Yaten's Journal

Yaten's
Journal

By: Sabi-san (sabisan25@aol.com)

Rating: H

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon and Company. I just usedm fom for a while.

Warning: Please don't read this if you're under the required age.

Yaten's Journal

I can't believe it. I don't know why I didn't see it before, see it coming.
This is the worst thing that could happen to me. I don't see any good coming of
it. I am completely attracted to Taiki.

At first I was nervous. She touches me a lot. Not anything suggestive, but it's
very...nice. I've started to dream about her at night. I fantasize about
touching her and loving her. I want to hold her and touch her so bad. I can't
bring myself to try. What if she doesn't love me? Maybe she doesn't even want
to be touched by another woman. Though, I really think that if I did touch her,
she would like it. She wouldn't push me away.

**************

I wish I had a chance to show her how much I want her. To be able to touch her
how I want to. I want her so much that sometimes it's all I can think about.
Touching her, kissing her, holding, her, tasting her, giving her pleasure after
pleasure; I think about it all day. Over and over I see myself running my hands
over her naked body, kissing her nipples, touching and rubbing and tasting
until she comes. I feel her touching me and loving me in my dreams. Will it
ever really happen?

***************

I keep having this dream where Taiki and I are laying in bed together. We are
either touching each other, making love, or just holding each other. It's very
comforting but very sad. I wake up content because I fell like I have held her
in my arms, but, at the same time, I feel depressed because it was only a
dream. Will I ever hold her in my arms like that?

****************

Longings

I
long to touch your soft breasts,

To
tease your taunt nipples with my lips.

I
long to run my hands down your body,

Down
your arms,

Over
your waist,

Up
your creamy thighs.

I
long to taste your passion wine,

Sweet
and smooth.

I
long to smell your gentle fragrance,

Soft
and tangy.

I
long to slide my tongue between your petals,

Caressing
your silken folds,

Until
you quiver in passion.

*******************************

I went to the park with her today. I had to. I wanted to see her so bad. All we
did was talk. If she had given me one sign, I would have gathered her in my
arms and made love to her. I wanted to hold her so much. Touch her. Run my
fingers through her long brown hair. Kiss her ear, her neck.

****************************

I simply want her. I want to sleep with her. I want to sleep with her because I
know she would love it. Why am I kidding myself? I want to sleep with her
because I love her. It would be beautiful with her. I want to show her how much
I love her. As time goes on, I love her more and more. I want to touch her and
hold her and wake up with her in the morning.

************************

I have decided to tell her. I don't know how. I don't know when. I just know
I'm going to tell her. I need her to know. I want her to know. Maybe she feels
the same way. I really have no idea how this will turn out. Something inside me
believes that she loves me. She makes me feel like she loves me. But I still
have a small doubt. I just can't push it aside. What if she doesn't love me? Or
even like me? Can I still be around her knowing how she feels? Will she treat
me differently knowing how I feel? Is it better to leave things the way they
are and not take the chance that she loves me? Could I do that? Not tell her
and sit by always being only a friend?

********************

I told her. I didn't go at all like I expected. We went to a movie and dinner
afterwards. I felt very protected all night, like she was taking care of me.
After dinner, we went to the park and I told her. She was surprised, said she
had no idea. Needed to take some time to think about it. I asked if we could
get together some time, but she gave me a lot of excuses. I have a feeling I
have lost her.

***********************

It's been weeks since we talked. I see her every now and again, but not as much
as before. Nights are torture. I see her face before I fall asleep. I dream
about her at night. I wake up and she is the first thing I think of. This is
agony. All I want is for things to go back the way they were, before I told
her.

****************************

We spent time with each other for the first time in months today. I thought,
after all this time, seeing her again, I wouldn't feel the same. Not true. The
feelings are still there. I want her more than ever. I fantasize about her. I
dream about her. I watch her when she walks by. So beautiful. Silky brown hair.
Long elegant legs. Beautiful eyes. So intelligent. So caring. I didn't think it
possible that I could love her more. She was so nice to me. Not afraid to be
around me or touch me. I've only been gone from her for a few hours and already
I miss her.

*****************************

I was going through some pictures tonight and found a few of her. All I could
do was stare at the pictures and cry. I miss her so much. I want to see her and
talk to her and hold her. I wish I could be with her now and just hold her.

Had another dream about her. This one was different. She was lying on the bed,
naked. I slowly leaned over her, kissing her white stomach. She reached for my
face and drew me down to kiss me gently. It was a short dream, but sweet and
comforting.

**************************

Talked to her today. sug suggested we spend the weekend together. I didn't get
my hopes up; she sounded very distant. I've come to terms with the fact that she
doesn't love me. Why does she want to spend the weekend together then? I will
go with her, though. I want to see her again. And to see her for a whole
weekend, just the two of us. At least I will see her and talk to her. I must
content myself with that.

********************

Right now, she is laying in the bed in the next room. Having her so close but
not being able to touch her is driving me mad. Earlier she came in to tell me
she was going to take a shower. The whole time all I could do was imagine her
running the soap over herself. The water washing the suds down her naked body.
I could see her stepping out of the shower, glistening with water droplets. I
could feel the towel brush over her silky body. It took all I had not to go in
there and lay her on the floor and make love to her. It is taking all I have
not to go in her room now and do the same. I just want to hold her and love her
and make her moan in ecstasy. Is this what the weekend is going to be like? Am
I going to be out of my mind with desire for her all the time? I won't be able
to stand it.

*****************************

She doesn't love me. We talked tonight. No, she talked. I sat there, trying so
hard not to cry in front of her. She loves Seiya. She invited me here this
weekend to tell me, but wanted me to have a good time, to show me that we could
go places and do things, as friends. Not lovers. I felt as if my heart had been
ripped out and trampled on. She loves Seiya. Not me. I couldn't take any more.
I told her I had something to do and left that night. I went home and haven't
seen her since. Every time I pass Seiya, I get a pain in my chest. She loves
Seiya, and Seiya doesn't know. She doesn't know that a beautiful and talented
woman would do anything for her. That she loves her with all her heart. That
she turned me down just to be with her.

********************************

I miss her so much that it hurts. I want to see her, but I don't dare. I know
that if I did, I would burst into tears. Her caring and pitying eyes. I can't
look into them. I know she feels sorry for me. I know she is trying to make me
feel comfortable and treat me like nothing has changed. It doesn't work. I
still love her. And I still know she loves Seiya. I can't act like nothing has
changed. My heart is not stone. She and Seiya have started to spend time
together. They are fast on the way to becoming lovers, if they aren't already.
I can't be around them. They're so beautiful together. Seiya is perfect for
her. I don't know how I ever thought I was worthy of her.

*********************************

I never should have told her! If I hadn't, she and Seiya would be happy all the
time. They wouldn't have to worry about me being sad. They could go places, do
things by themselves and not have to bring me along so I won't feel left out.
Why did I tell her? What is it that makes people tell their feelings? If I had
known at the beginning that she loved Seiya, I would have never told her. I
would have buried my feelings. I would have eventually gotten over it. Right?

*********************************

I can't take it any more. She thinks I've gotten over her. She's wrong! She
talks to me like we did before all this mess started. Only difference is that
she talks about her all the time. Seiya this and Seiya that. Seiya is worried
and Seiya is sick. Seiya can do this and Seiya can to that. Seiya is a great
friend. Seiya is a great lover. All I can think is 'What about me?' Can I not
do the same things as Seiya? Am I not as good a friend as Seiya? Do I not love
you just like Seiya? But I'm not Seiya. That's the difference. I'm not Seiya. I
never will be. I never can be. Being me is not good enough. She doesn't want
me. She wants Seiya.

********************************

She asked if we could go to dinner tonight. Gave me the whole spiel about not
spending a lot of time together and all that. I told her I had something to do.
There was no way I was going to go to dinner with her to hear her talk about
how wonderful Seiya is. I don't need that. I can't take any more 'Seiya is great'
speeches. I can't handle anymore. I've never felt so hurt, so pushed aside
before. So passed over. She has made me feel like the most unworthy person in
the world. Before, all I could think about was how much I loved her and how
happy I would be if we were together. Now I find myself crying at the thought
of her. I love her still, and I always will, but I'll never have her. She
doesn't love me.

********************************

Taiki, if you're reading this, I guess my h got got the better of my mind. I
kept telling myself that it was no way out, that it was running from the
problem. As time went on, seeing you two together, happy, I could think of
nothing better to do. I had no reason to go on. The one thing I wanted, I could
never have. You were not to be mine. I could not have you. I hope Seiya loves
you as much as I wanted to, as much as I could have. I wish you every
happiness.

        With all my heart and soul,

        Yaten

FINIS

Author's notes: I was a bit depressed when I wrote this, if you can't tell. For
those of you who know me: yes, some of this did come out of my journal. See if
you can figure out what did. ^.- As for
writing a sad fic, it was an attempt. Everything I've written so far has had
happy endings somewhat or elude to a happy ending (Long Night Part Five is on
the way -.-' ) I wanted to try something different. As usual, I love feedback.
Let me know what you think. (Yes, I do have a new email address. Ask me what I
think of aol sometime.) I really do listen to what people say. I have many fics
in progress and would like to make them better for the readers if possible. I
can't do that without knowing what people think of my writing. Thanks for
reading! I hope you liked it!

Sabi-san

Sabisan25@aol.com