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In Defiance of Destiny	By : krillia Category: +S to Z > Utena Views: 1538 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Utena, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Disclaimer: Shoujo Kakumei Utena is copyright the original creators and, in America, Central Park Media. No infringement or disrespect is intended by this work of fan fiction. This is a work of noncommercial amateur fan fiction; it is not published for profit or material gain. The author has no intent to infringe any intellectual property rights held by the owners of existing copyrights in Utena or its derivative works.

In Defiance of Destiny
By Krillia
Ruka leaned over the dormitory balcony, watching the last few of Ohtori�s students enter through the doors directly below him. The night was crisp and clean, and the saberist breathed in deeply, taking the smell and taste of the air, unadulterated by the disinfectants and other chemicals that permeated every corner of the hospital.

Under different circumstances, Ruka might have enjoyed the openness of the courtyard, but he was intelligent to know the difference between freedom and an open space. He had learned long ago that Ohtori academy was nothing but a prison for those who walked through its gates. A sparkling, well-camouflaged prison, but the chains which held them were stronger than any that held those who broke the law. Ohtori academy didn�t hold bodies: it held souls. Being kept in the hospital for so long had given Ruka a unique perspective on life in Ohtori, and still he�d come back. There was a part of him, the insidious part of his mind that doubted and tore apart everything he did, that wondered if it really had been Juri he�d come back for. Ultimately, Ruka knew he�d come back because he�d needed too, because Ohtori was the only place he could come back too. Juri was a part of that, but so was That Man.

Caught up in his own thoughts, Ruka didn�t immediately take notice of the figure standing in the shadows, and Touga took the time to study the other boy. He had known Ruka before the former head of the fencing club had left the school, but they had never been close. They had been rivals for obvious reasons, and they had shared a grudging respect for each other, stemming from the fact that they were masters of their relative arts. But fate had determined that, if nothing else, they were never unguarded in each other�s company, and certainly never relaxed. Ruka had changed since leaving the school, and there was a fire in his eyes that those who battled for the Rose Bride inevitably lost. Ruka had either rekindled the spark, or had never lost it, and Touga was determined to know why.

Now, Touga wondered if perhaps that fire had only been an illusion. Ruka was completely unguarded, believing himself to be unobserved, and he looked drained. Eyes dark with emotion, Ruka stared into space with a pain and longing that made Touga�s heart ache. Seeing the strong saberist this way somehow unnerved him, and Touga cleared his throat, suddenly not wanted to intrude any longer. At one time he would have continued to observe, to learn as much as he could about the weaknesses and testing points of his enemy. The situation had changed, though, and Touga recognized that Ruka was no longer his opponent. The saberist had abandoned his claim the instant he had walked back though the door and chosen to back another duelist. He was nothing more than an idealist now. Touga wondered whether he should pity Ruka, or be jealous of him.

Ruka�s head snapped up when Touga made his presence known, turning to the red-head even as his defenses easily slid back into place, and he was smiling by the time he made eye-contact with Touga. �President.� He greeted simply, the words bereft of recognizable emotion, and not giving any indication of his thoughts on Touga�s intrusion.

Joining the other boy at the rail, Touga ran his eyes over Ruka�s body in much the same way he had studied his bearing from afar. Up close, Ruka seemed to almost contradict himself. The determined set of his head and shoulders was belayed by the lines of pain in his face; by the edges of his body that the well-tailored jacket seemed to exaggerate rather than hide. When Ruka turned to look at him curiously, Touga bent his head away, averting his gaze to look into the evening the blue-haired boy had abandoned. For several minutes, it was a game they played, trying to figure out the other, while at the same time intent on revealing nothing. They soon abandoned the game, choosing instead to study the twilight as it closed around them. Despite their entrenched distrust of one another, there was a strange sort of camaraderie between them, and they spoke volumes in their silence. In many ways, the two boys were of a kind. Although Ruka was struggling to hold onto his reign, they were both kings of their domain and, for the same reasons, they were both slaves to Ohtori academy.

For a time, neither spoke. When the silence was broken, it was done so by Ruka, as the blue-haired boy stared up at the single pinpoint of light that had appeared in the sky. He smiled wistfully, head cocking slightly.

�Grant the wish I wish tonight.� He whispered, breath misting the rapidly chilling night air.

�Hm?� Touga inquired quietly.

Ruka simply shook his head. �An old childhood fantasy. It is of no matter.�

Touga had to smile wryly at the comment, the deeper meaning not lost on him. True enough Ruka had aged, wisdom replacing the fantasies of childhood dreams, as was the natural evolution. However, the meaning was different when applied to their specific lives. Childhood fancies and games were no longer allowed; they had given way to a darker game, and even deeper fantasies. Studying the empty pavement below them, Touga answered as truthfully as he could. �Like truth, what matters is in the eyes of the beholder.�

Ruka swung his head sharply to look at Touga, his expression surprised, and seemed about to say something. At that moment, however, something seemed to seize a hold of the blue-haired boy, and he doubled over. Shudders of pain wracked his body as he gasped for breath, whatever he had been about to say choked off by the attack. Concerned, Touga moved to stand closer to the fencing captain, ready to offer support, or call for help if need be.

Slowly, the spasm seemed to subside, leaving Ruka coughing weakly in its wake. He straightened, holding unsteadily to the rail. Glancing sharply at Touga when the redhead opened his mouth, Ruka stopped any inquiry by speaking himself.

�Mr. President, you�re going to have to excuse me. It is getting late, and I am needed for a somewhat important engagement tomorrow.� He murmured before squaring his shoulders and pointedly walking away.

A thousand thoughts and questions crowded in Touga�s mind as the blue-haired boy walked away, but he chose to say nothing as he stood, staring with a somewhat unfocused gaze at the spot Ruka had just vacated. His heart was at war with itself, conflicted by pity and sympathy for the other boy, and tempered by a lust and attraction to the fire and ice that seemed to course within Ruka�s veins.

A sharp gasp and more wracking coughs brought his attention back to the present. Turning, he saw Ruka leaning against the wall, one arm wrapped around his stomach and the other desperately searching for a purchase on the wall that could keep him upright. Swearing, Touga nearly ran to the other boy�s side, sliding one hand around his waist and whispering comforting words to Ruka as the blue-haired boy convulsed next to him. The sound of voices echoed around the corner, and Touga found himself being pulled down desperately.

�Please�Mr. President.� Ruka managed between coughs and desperate gasps for air. �Don�t...don�t let them�see.�

Confused, Touga looked around briefly, unsure of the saberist�s meaning.

�President�.Touga�please, get me�out�here.� Shaky, but fearful eyes glanced down the hallway, and Touga realized that Ruka was worried, no, truly afraid that someone would see him in this state. In that moment, Touga realized just how much destiny had affected their needs, and recognized his desire to help the other boy as more than altruistic. He himself understood how helpless it made one feel to be seen as weak, and this was one of the few ways he could help Ruka without interfering in the duels. Nodding quickly, Touga slung one arm around Ruka�s waist and half-carried, half dragged the tall fencer towards his own room, only a couple of feet down the hall.

Unlocking the door with one hand and kicking it open, Touga turned to glare at the two schoolgirls who were watching the proceedings curiously. Both girls dropped their gazes, blushing, and rapidly resumed walking down the hall. Glancing at Ruka to see if the other boy had noticed the exchange, Touga was shocked to see tears had started running down the other boy�s face, presumably from pain. Cursing again, Touga picked up the weakened boy and gently laid him on the bed. Ruka said nothing; simply curled into a fetal position and continued to cough. For the next few minutes, the silence in the room was only filled by the sound of wracking coughs. Touga carefully dampened a cloth from the nearby pitcher of water, and then sat on the edge of the bed, one hand resting lightly on Ruka�s shoulder, hoping to comfort the blue-haired boy. Slowly, far too slow for Touga�s liking, the coughs subsided. When the attack appeared to be over, Touga helped the other boy sit up, and despite Ruka�s slight discomfort at the movement, began to carefully wipe the sweat and tears away from the narrow face, brushing back damp strands of hair away from Ruka�s eyes.

The blue-haired boy was pale and shaking as the spasm stopped, and he leaned heavily on Touga. �Is it often like this?� The redhead asked quietly, still running a hand down Ruka�s � too slender � back.

Ruka shook his head, �Only when I�m under too much stress.� He said, managing a wry smile. �The drugs do a great deal for me, but if I take any more tonight, they will begin to harm me, rather than help.�

�I never guess it was so bad� Touga commented, truly regretting that he hadn�t seen something that now seemed so obvious. The pain and illness were clearly reflected in Ruka�s deep set eyes and the dark circles surrounding them; in the way the graceful young man would, from time to time, simply stiffen for a few moments before going back to what he was doing. It now seemed obvious in the slight hesitations in his fencing, never enough to throw a bout, but obvious to anyone who had seen Ruka train and duel before illness had sent him to the hospital.

�I cannot appear weak in public, and to appear ill is to appear weak, and I can�t�.if only for her.� Ruka explained, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. And it almost was.

�Ah.� Touga made a sound of understanding. He could feel the other boy shaking next to him, and slid an arm around Ruka�s shoulder. Silently, he gave thanks to whatever being at Ohtori Academy that allowed them brief moments of happiness that he was being given the chance to get close to this determined creature, so strong willed and desperate to give his last moments in life to another.

�You�re cold.� He whispered, hands instinctively going to Ruka�s collar, to remove the jacket which had become wet with sweat in the past few minutes, the garment now rapidly drawing heat from the slender body it encased. Ruka immediately stiffened and moved away, eyes betraying his distrust of the redhead�s motives. Touga gave a sad smile at the reaction.

�I guess my reputation precedes me.� He said, voice touched with wry humor as he reached behind himself to pull a blanket off the stack at the end of his bed.

Ruka looked somewhat upset by his own response. �I�m sorry, Touga.� He said sheepishly, taking the proffered blanket and wrapping it around his shoulders. The tall redhead laughed.

�Don�t be. It�s not like I don�t deserve the reputation.� He replied with just a touch of bitterness.

Ruka studied the other boy for a minute. �Perhaps.� He whispered under his breath. A silence fell between the two duelists, each lost in thoughts deeper than understanding, which were broken when Ruka began to cough again. Touga quickly poured another glass of water from the bedside table, holding it until the shaking subsided. When the attack seemed to be past, he handed it to Ruka. After drinking deeply, he handed the glass back to Touga with shaking hands.

Touga, in his worry for the other boy, had moved closer and, as Ruka looked up to express his gratitude, Touga found himself mesmerized by dark eyes, glazed with pain and deep with sorrow. Never one to hold himself back from what he wanted, Touga gave into impulse. Leaning closer to the blue-haired boy, Touga ran a careful finger along his throat, catching the narrow chin and holding it up.

�Like I said, it�s a reputation I deserve.� Touga said, the words whispered darkly, and then found himself enveloped in an embrace; warm lips pressed to his own.

For a moment, shock froze the blue-haired boy into place, but as his body began to react to the contact, he leaned hesitantly into Touga. A part of Ruka desperately wanted this touch, too long denied him, wanting to be wanted, to be desired by someone who understood him. The warmth of another human was seductive, and Ruka found himself giving in. A shaking arm wrapped itself around Touga�s neck, and the redhead moaned, sliding his hand around Ruka�s back to rest across his shoulders, the other bracing him as he leaned forward to add leverage to the kiss. Ruka shuddered deeply, and suddenly pulled away, scrambling to the other end of the bed and watching Touga with scared eyes. He shook as thoughts ran jumbled through his head. /No. No. I can�t, not with HIM�Dios, Juri, what have I done?/

Touga smiled sadly, part of him wishing to just let the other boy be. His nature would not allow such compassion, however, for he had started a conquest, and if there was one thing Kiryuu Touga wouldn�t allow himself, it was to leave a conquest unfinished. He truly wanted to help Ruka, or at least he told himself so. Unfolding himself from the bed, he moved to stand behind the shaking saberist, gently laying a hand on his shoulders. He could feel the muscles tense under his hand, and Ruka pulled away to stand, facing the door.

Touga sighed. �Ruka�I�m not asking for anything permanent from you. Just tonight.�

A bitter smile formed on Ruka�s face. �Touga, tonight is everything to me. It is either the beginning of the end, or a fresh start, and you�ll have to forgive me if I don�t want to spend it betraying the one I love.�

Touga laughed. �If it�s so important to you, why aren�t you spending it with the one that you love?� He asked with feigned naivety.

Ruka stiffened. �You know why.� He hissed.

Touga nodded. He knew exactly why Ruka had been pining on that balcony, alone and in every type of pain there was, but that wasn�t the point. �Ahh, yes. She thinks you�ve taken Shiori from her.� He paused. �Perhaps you should be spending it with that one, instead.�

Ruka spun on the taller boy, venom plain in his eyes. �I would prefer to spend the night in the morgue of the hospital than stay with that�that she-wolf!�

Touga raised an eyebrow. �From what you�ve shown me tonight, I think you�ll get that soon enough.� He said with a shrug. �However, you�ve made your point.� He paused, considering, than added. �But do you really want to spend this particular night alone? After all, you said yourself that this is the beginning of the end, and no one wants to be alone at the end.�

Ruka shook his head, and began to move towards the door without intending to answer. As his hand reached for the knob, however, Touga�s voice stopped him.

�No one wants to be alone, Ruka. That includes me.�

He didn�t turn, but the words made him pause. �You�re lonely?� He asked, just a hint of disbelief in his voice.

Touga closed his eyes for a moment, two thoughts crossing his mind. The first telling him that he�d succeeded, Ruka was his, at least for the moment. The second thought was that the blue-haired boy�s disbelief undeniably hurt. /You have no idea how lonely, Ruka. It is beyond your comprehension./

He couldn�t say that, however, not now or ever. �We all feel alone sometimes.� He replied instead. �If you�re going to be alone psychologically, at least allow me to offer some physical comfort.� He added, the suggestion of secrecy between them underlying the meaning. Ruka turned his head hesitantly, looking warily over his shoulder . Touga smiled, the expression touched with sadness, but genuine. �I�ll help you, if you�ll let me.�

An understanding dawned on Ruka as he studied the stone-grey eyes in front of him. �That�s why you�� The blue-haired boy trailed off suddenly, unsure of how to phrase his question, although his mind finished the question. /That�s why you fuck everyone and everything that comes your way, isn�t it? You want to burn away that loneliness which permeates your existence every second. Because you know more about what goes down behind the closed doors of the duels than anyone in this god-forsaken school, except for perhaps the devil himself, and you�re powerless to do anything about it, aren�t you?./

Ruka paused for a second longer, than opened the door. �I�m sure you can find someone perfectly willing to relieve your �loneliness�, if that�s really what you want to call it.� He growled as he walked out the door.

Touga cringed, although he wasn�t all that surprised by his classmates response. Ruka had an ingrained honor and a sense of justice that was truly enviable, if warped. But for a brief moment, he had believed that the other boy might stay. A sigh, interesting close to a sob, echoed through the nearly-empty room, and Touga was surprised to realize it had come from him. �I�m sorry, Ruka.� He whispered. �You deserve better than this.�

Touga winced as he voiced the words; he could almost feel what Akio would do to him if the dean knew that his right-hand man was having such thoughts about the duels. He still ached from the last time he�d tried to defy the Ends of the World.

Slowly, the redhead removed his clothes in preparation for sleep, and as he crawled into the infamously wide and decadent bed, he considered pursuing the other boy, to continue the seduction which had come so close to being successful. Internally, Touga was fuming, unused to being denied anything he wanted, it both hurt and confused him to be denied the object of his desire. �You�re losing your touch, Touga.� He laughed to himself. �That�s two for two that have denied you access to their bodies.�

Unsatisfied, aching, and empty, Touga thought about asking another into his bed, for there were certainly enough of them in Ohtori who would willingly come. He couldn�t bring himself to do it. He didn�t want a cheap imitation of what he truly sought, and tonight he had sought Ruka. He had wanted that fire, that passion, and that nobility for himself. In return, he had wished to relieve some of the pain that the blue-haired boy way feeling. Ruka would certainly have more than his share of pain the next morning, after the almost guaranteed outcome of the duel he had thrown his very soul into. With a groan of defeat, Touga pulled the heavy covers of his body. The temperature within the dorm wasn�t precisely cold, but he wanted to be encased in the heat.

His bed had never felt so empty, and the rose-embroidered sheets had never seemed so mocking
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In Defiance of Destiny