Soliloquy

Soliloquy

By Leloi

How dare they?  How
dare they force him?  How dare he allow
them?  What stupidity must have gone
through his mind to allow them to mount him like that? 

His friend told me he did it for MY honor. style=\"\">  I never asked for that kind of relationship. style=\"\">  No one should ever have to be gang raped just
to secure MY honor.  This is insane… how
could he allow it?

I may as well have been the one to pay them
off.  The kid did it for me to keep my
reputation
safe with no thought to his own safety. 
The difference between us… is he willingly let it happen
just to protect
me.  Would I have done the same? style=\"\">  No… I couldn’t do the same. 

Gods, this is so infuriating. 
My anger and my rage that these assholes
would try and rip away all the kid’s innocent, trusting nature as it
had been
taken from me.  When my fists took them
it was like facing my attackers so many years ago. 
Except this time I had the power and the
strength to beat them without a gun. 

Damn kid… why did he have to let them?

At least the film is gone now. 
There’s nothing left to be held over his
head.  “Look… Bad Luck’s lead singer
takes dick.  His tight ass wasn’t tight
enough… someone else beat us to it. 
Someone else broke him in.  And
he
cums even when the dick inside of him is rough…”  It
would ruin his career… ruin his life… all
because he fell for me. 

Fuck.  No doubt
they’ll come after me now.  Shuuichi
you’re such a fool.  Why would you risk
so much for me?  I’m not worthy of this
kind of devotion.  I’m a killer… a
murderer.  And yet you throw yourself at
me… careless of who I am or what I’ve done. 

They say it was self defense… what I did. style=\"\">  It doesn’t make it feel any better. style=\"\">  I can still see HIM when I close my eyes…
haunting me… hating me.  I don’t deserve
to be happy or loved.

A romance writer who can’t be loved… that’s
called
irony.  

And I’m… afraid to love you back. style=\"\">  Once you know the real me you’ll run away and
I’ll be alone again.  This emptiness
within me is slowly being filled but I know if you understood who I
really was,
that would all end and I would miss it… the emptiness will grow deeper. style=\"\">  I’d miss your obnoxiously cheerful
disposition.  I’d miss the way you try so
very hard to be the perfect mate for me. 
No one has ever wanted to be a mate to me… just fuck me
and take my
money.  I’m too cold and cruel to attract
any woman who wants a real relationship. 
Why even try when I’m hard to crack?  
It’s stupid and foolish the things you make me do… like
bandaging your
fingers or cleaning my ears… no woman before you would ever dream of
doing such
a thing.  I DON’T deserve it. 

I don’t deserve long walks by the water or
candlelit
dinners.  I don’t deserve breathless
kisses as you whisper my name… his name. 
My name ceased to be years ago. 
The name you utter isn’t my own. 
It’s the name I took to give him back life… so I won’t
forget it was my
fault he is gone.  And when we make love
it’s his name you moan.  But you make
love to me… not him. 

I can’t stay here.  I
can’t allow you to get close.  Already
you’re too close and at any moment you’ll learn who I am and leave. style=\"\">  These jackasses that sought to steal your
innocence wanted information on me.  No
doubt they will find it if they dig down far enough. 
I can’t allow you to find out about that and…
hate me.  If you are to learn of my past
you should be seeking it from the source and not these fools who would
use it
as blackmail.  No, Shuuichi, no whispered
secrets from fools.   I don’t want to
tell you because I know this will all end… but if you want to know, I
won’t hold
back from you.  If you honestly love me…
you have every right to know.  But if
your love wavers, I…

I’ll go now and leave you to your innocent
dreams.  If you know me as well as you
think you do
you’ll know where I am.  Part of me prays
you’ll move on and find someone else more worthy of your heart. style=\"\">  And a part of me is selfish and wants you to
follow.  Will you follow me?