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Conflicting Perceptions --- Conflicting Realties	By : cupnjava Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > General Views: 2401 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gensomaden Saiyuki, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Conflicting Perceptions --- Conflicting Realties
- 1
Bitch at me here: saiyuki_fan_fic@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: I don�t own Saiyuki (or the characters) nor do I pretend to. This is a ONE SHOT, PWP (rather PW -very little--P)

Warning: Potential Non-consent warning. One beta thought this was two friends going to any lengths necessary to help another. The second beta thought this was out and out rape. The third beta did not make her stance clear. My fourth beta, the one that has been with me since the beginning, was so disturbed she had to take a shower and warned me against posting it. She felt it should be heavily warned. A fifth beta found it very disturbing also and led me to believe it shouldn�t be posted. I�m concerned about tainting my reputation on AFF, but I think it is a thought provoking piece (I know that sounds boastful, I�m sorry) I, myself, am mixed -- it all depends on which reality is the real reality. Suppose, it boils down to asking where does the violation occur in the intent, the actions or the outcome? Somewhere in there --- resides the answer.

I�m leaving the actual declaration of �non-consent� to the reader. This story can be taken many different ways.

A thought experiment begins. . .

Conflicting Perceptions --- Conflicting Realties

Rene Descartes said it best when he questioned his own senses. Reality is all too often taken as a factual given. The sky is blue because it looks blue. Descartes asked himself -- what if his eyes lied to him? What if they were mistaken and the sky wasn�t really blue, but only looked blue. Descartes was actually asking himself about a candle not the sky. He questioned if the heat from the flame was real or if he felt it only because he believed it was hot. To make a long thought process short (completely destroying the eloquence of his stance), Descartes finally came to the conclusion that his perceptions must be accurate because a deity would not create life if it were malicious. This deity must be benevolent and a benevolent deity would not create senses that deceived the person. He came to this conclusion via his infamous quote �I think ergo I am.�
Descartes settled the conundrum in his own mind, but he left the world with lingering questions. Lingering questions, especially for those that reject the concept of creator-deities. How do we really know our perception of reality accurately portrays reality? How do we know we aren�t seeing what we expect and believe we should be seeing? We may both call it blue, but is it really blue? Is your blue the same as my blue? Is the blue truly blue or do we only think that it is blue?
What happens when realities clash? When perceptions conflict? Who�s reality is the truth? Is there even such a thing as truth?
For ages, wise philosophers have been unable to answer these questions -- there are no answers here. Simply, play ensconced in ponder.

One: Believes his reality.

One: Questions his perceptions.

One: Changes his reality.
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Crimson eyes opened to a new day. Gojyo ran his fingers down the sternum of his lover�s chest. He heard the hitch in his lover�s breath and knew the man was awake. He softly spoke, �Hey, Sanzo?�
�What?� Violet eyes opened. There was no point feigning sleep now; Gojyo knew he was awake.
�Friday is the day.� Gojyo sat up to look at his lover.
�The day?�
Gojyo nodded, �The day Kanan died.�
Sanzo blinked, �Damn. I thought he�d been moody. It�s hard to believe it�s been another year.�
Gojyo sighed and ran a hand through his long locks, �Yep, not faked nearly enough smiles recently and he�s been withdrawing.�
Sanzo nodded, �We can�t have this. I don�t need him distracted.�
Gojyo smirked, �What do you say we take his mind off it?�
A blonde eyebrow lifted, �I know that smirk.�
Gojyo chuckled, �It will be for his own good. I mean -- think about it -- damn. We�d be doing the guy a favor.�
Sanzo nodded, �We�ll have to tie him up.�
Gojyo nodded as he slid from the bed, �Maybe, gag him too.�
Sanzo dropped his feet to the floor, �Definitely, I hate it when people bitch.�
Gojyo snickered, �You�re twisted.�
Sanzo sucked his teeth, �You thought of it.�
The half breed buttoned his pants, �What if he resists? Ya know I don�t do rape.�
Sanzo slipped his head through his black sleeveless shirt, �Some times people don�t know what they need or want.�
Gojyo shook his hair free of his tank top, �Yeah, but---�
Sanzo buttoned his pants, �But nothing. It�s for his own good and we need him on point while we travel. What is right isn�t always nice.�
Gojyo slipped on his brown jacket, �Yeah,� Gojyo was beginning to suspect this wasn�t such a good idea, �He�s straight.�
Sanzo tied his sash around his robes and waist, �For now, he won�t be Friday.�
Crimson eyebrows knitted, �Maybe, we shouldn�t.�
Sanzo put a hand on Gojyo�s shoulder, �He�s been actively mourning her for over four years. You�ve seen the change in him -- it�s eating away at him -- devouring him. When was the last time he actually looked at a woman as more than someone talking to him?�
Gojyo blinked, �I�m not sure if I have ever seen him actually check out a chick. Four years. He�s not been laid in might as well be forever -- that can�t be healthy.� Gojyo knitted his brow, �Ya know, I don�t even think I�ve heard him masturbate.�
�Thank you for making my point.�
Gojyo�s mouth slightly opened, �Damn -- he�s lost so far in himself he�s forgotten his own needs.�
Sanzo nodded as he turned toward the door, �No matter what happens keep in mind it is for his own good.�
Gojyo stuffed his hands in his pockets and left the room behind Sanzo. He was feeling pretty mixed about all of this, but knew Sanzo had a point. What is right isn�t always nice.
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Friday Night
Hakkai was sitting on his bed in his room alone. He had his knees drawn up to his chest and cradled his pocket watch in his hands. The cold crystal of the watch was pushed against his forehead. He�d barely managed to keep himself together today and all he wanted right now was to be left alone.
To be left alone --- to drop the smile. To kill the façade. To cry. To be angry. To be bitter. To mourn. To wish he was with her -- not that she was with him, but he was with her -- wherever that may be. He�d long since decided to put a bullet in his brain once the mission was over. He�d had enough of this life -- someone else could use his share of oxygen.
During dinner he played with his food and shifted it around to make it look like he ate. The smell of it, alone, made him want to gag. He softly excused himself and walked up to his room.
Now sitting in his pajamas he had the opportunity to be alone -- and be the truth under the smile. He had a book sitting next to him; he didn�t know why. He hadn�t even so much as lit a candle. He knew he wouldn�t be reading.
The light of a full moon washed the room in contrasting silvery light and stark shadows. A mourning man cried.
There was a knock at his door and he didn�t look up. If he sat real still then maybe they would think we was asleep and leave him alone.
There was another knock. Hakkai sighed softly. Please, please just go away. I can�t do it right now. I just can�t fake it.

There was another knock. Just leave me ALONE!

�We know you�re in there.�
Hakkai gritted his teeth. That was Gojyo�s voice. He used the word �we� and that meant he wasn�t alone.
�We know you�re not asleep.�
Emerald eyes flicked up to the ceiling. That was Sanzo�s voice. Hakkai sighed, Let the acting begin. He curled five fingers around his pocket watch and wiped his face. One cheek was wiped with the palm of his left hand while the other was wiped with the back of his left hand. He put a smile on his face that a complete stranger wouldn�t believe, tried to sniffle softly and tried to put a polite tone in his voce, �Yes, come in. �
The door opened.
He glanced at his friends, �I was just heading to bed.�
Sanzo sucked his teeth.
Gojyo rolled his eyes. Yeah, right.

�With what can I help you?�
Sanzo and Gojyo nearly became nauseated at Hakkai�s tone of voice. He was trying too hard -- that smile and that voice mixed with the woe in those eyes was sickening.
Gojyo smiled, �I think it is we that will be doing the helping.� He pressed his lips to Hakkai�s as he grabbed the demon�s wrists.
Sanzo grabbed Hakkai�s ankles and yanked him flat on his back.
Emerald eyes popped as he twisted head and pulled his lips from Gojyo�s, �What are you doing?�
�Making you forget,� Sanzo pulled the sash from his waist and handed it to Gojyo. The robes fell to the floor.
Gojyo slid behind Hakkai and twisted the slightly smaller man�s arms behind his back, �This is for your own good.�
Panic began to wash over Hakkai. �How can you say that?� His voice cracked as Gojyo began to bind his wrists with the black sash. Hakkai kicked his feet and Sanzo easily dodged. He squirmed to get away from Gojyo and the pocket watch fell to the floor. His head whipped following the sound.
Gojyo bent and picked up the watch. He placed it on the nightstand.
Sanzo began to unbutton Hakkai�s shirt.
Hakkai bucked his hips and slammed Gojyo�s back against the headboard. �Please! Stop it!�
Crimson eyebrows knitted. This did not feel right. He whispered, �Hakkai this is for your own good, consider it an intervention.�
Hakkai twisted trying to roll from the bed. �Interventions are for addicts.�
Porcelain fingers curled around the waistband of Hakkai�s pajama bottoms, �You are an addict. You�re addicted to grief.�
Hakkai kicked trying to keep his pants on. He squirmed and bucked. His brow knitted, �Please, leave me alone!�
The whine in Hakkai�s voice gave Gojyo a shiver. Fretful crimson found steady violet. �Sanzo?� Gojyo�s voice went soft.
Sanzo firmly grabbed Hakkai�s face and locked into those emerald eyes, �You need this.�
�No, I don�t.� That grip felt way too similar to Chin Yisou�s. Fear shot through him. The grip was similar, but those eyes were truly Sanzo�s.
�Yes, you do.�
�I don�t.� Hakkai jerked his head trying to get away from Sanzo�s hand.
Sanzo held tight, �You�re slowly killing yourself. We can�t allow that.� Sanzo released Hakkai�s face with a push. �Gag him. It�s making me ill.�
Hakkai trembled and pleaded with his friends turned captors, �Please! Gojyo . . .� He craned his neck to look into the crimson eyes that use to be safe.
Crimson avoided emerald.
Hakkai knew it was pointless; he spoke anyway, �Gojyo, please don�t do this to me.�
Gojyo gritted his teeth and fought with himself as he pulled Hakkai�s sash off the top of the neatly folded clothes for tomorrow. He whispered, �I�m sorry, but Sanzo is right.� He slipped the light beige sash between Hakkai�s teeth.
Hakkai started to cry when he heard his pants rip.
Gojyo felt dampness roll onto his chest. He looked down and saw terrified emerald that reeked of betrayal looking up at him. �Sanzo, maybe he really doesn�t ---�
Sanzo cut him off, �In all the time you�ve known him, name one time Hakkai wanted something good for himself that didn�t involve helping us.�
Gojyo knitted his brow and softly kissed Hakkai�s forehead.
Sanzo finished ripping Hakkai�s pants from the green eyed man and tossed them to the floor. �Don�t fight me with this, Gojyo, it was your idea.�
�FFFvvvaaattt?� Hakkai screamed and then calmed. My admonishment has brought my penitence to be carried out with a priest. A muffled wail left Hakkai as he squeezed his eyes shut.
It was pointless to fight them. He was bound and gagged. Gojyo was sitting on the bed between Hakkai and the headboard. The half breed�s knees prevented Hakkai from rolling to either side. His head was pushed against Gojyo�s chest and his arms were crossed and bound just below his shoulder blades. Sanzo was kneeling between his legs. Hakkai had no clothes left -- he felt exposed, vulnerable, betrayed and he hoped it would be done quickly so he could shower and pretend it never happened.
He wanted punishment -- he craved it, but not like this. Not issued by people he thought were friends.
Then again, maybe it was best that it was to be delivered by his companions. That way he would be constantly reminded of it. Every time he looked at them -- it would be a reminder of the wretched thing he�d become.
Hakkai turned his head and looked out the window. He would struggle no more.
Gojyo took Hakkai�s calming as consent. He felt a bit better about this. Hakkai was always reluctant to comply with what he needed. He whispered, �That�s right. Tonight we know what is best for you.�
Emerald eyes winced. I�m sorry Kanan. I tried.

Sanzo pressed his lips to Hakkai�s neck, �You�ll thank us in the morning.�

I just didn�t get to you fast enough. A loud sniffle followed by a wet cough lifted from the gagged man.
Gojyo slipped his hands behind Hakkai�s thighs and pulled the brunette�s legs up and apart.
Sanzo trailed his tongue down Hakkai�s chest. Porcelain fingers danced down a tan thigh. Light pink lips parted and a pale tongue pointed.
This is my punishment.

Gojyo tightened his hold on Hakkai. Sanzo had one talented mouth. He knew this would evoke some serious movement. He smiled as he waited for the moan.
Hakkai did not moan or move as Sanzo took his flaccid cock in his mouth. This is my contrition. He felt the wetness from his tears finally seep though his sash.
Sanzo rolled his tongue around the soft muscle. He sucked it deep in his mouth and using his tongue pushed it forward to his teeth. He stroked the underside with the wet warmth of his tongue and pressed it against the roof of his mouth.
Hakkai�s stillness put a twinge of worry in Gojyo�s mind. Maybe they had gotten to him too late. Maybe the melancholy demon could no longer sense pleasure.
Hakkai jerked slightly as Sanzo�s fingers brushed his personal threshold.
Gojyo smiled. Hakkai was getting into it.
Sanzo pushed two fingers inside of Hakkai.
Emerald eyes went wide and a muffled scream escaped him. Sharp pain and searing heat split though him. He pushed against Gojyo�s chest and his hips bucked trying to get away.
Gojyo knitted his brow, �Sanzo. I think you forgot something.�
Sanzo blinked. In the heat of everything, he had forgotten to use lubricant. He pulled his lips from Hakkai and scanned the jerking squirming man. �It got a response.�
Gojyo let out a huff, �Like that, did you?� Who would have thought that a kink lived under that green shell?
A muffled reply emerged from around the gag. �Nnnmmmgggooooo. Nerk---ack.� A another wet cough flew from Hakkai.
Sanzo smiled as the cough sharply tightened Hakkai�s muscles around his fingers. �I believe that was �go�. Look at this, his body wants it so bad -- he�s holding onto me.�
Gojyo smiled and gently squeezed Hakkai�s thighs, �You nasty little devil. Hiding all of this need from us. You should be ashamed.�
Hakkai was feeling ashamed. Ashamed that he killed all those humans in their village. Exactly half a human village -- gone.
Sanzo rocked his fingers swimming in the resistance and soft give of Hakkai�s body. He smirked, �Gojyo?� He�s tensing at the right times.

Hakkai panted trying to catch his breath.
Gojyo grinned, �Yes?�
�I don�t think this is the only time he�s been with a man.�
Hakkai�s face twisted as his body tried to reject the invasion. He coughed again and a rough swallow made his head jerk.
Gojyo chuckled he thought that was a positive head nod, �Well�. Have you been getting some on the side and hiding it from us? Or is it that Kanan was just your first woman?�
Ashamed that he wasn�t man enough to protect his only lover --- the most important person in his entire life. Emerald eyes squeezed shut.
Sanzo backed his hand and pushed three fingers deeply within Hakkai. He sought out and stimulated Hakkai�s prostate. �Come on. Show us the whore inside, we all have one.�
Ashamed that he�d mistakenly murdered the Black Crow demon clan before making it to the Centipede demon clan.
Violet eyes narrowed. He�s been responding to the rough stuff. The pain. Sanzo softly shook his head in disbelief. You freak. This is going to be fun. He parted his teeth and pressed the enameled instruments of pleasure into the head of Hakkai�s cock.
Hakkai went stiff as piercing pain jolted through him. A scream began to emerge.
Sanzo let out a little huff. Paralyzed in pleasure. Damn, I�m good. The harder Sanzo bit down the louder Hakkai�s passionate plea became. Sanzo stopped when he felt the tinge of salt on his tongue.
Hakkai arched his back and his face went red as he finished his scream.
Gojyo thought Hakkai being lost in passion was one of the hottest things he�d ever seen. �Oh yeah, he likes it rough.� He glanced at pleading emerald eyes, �You little freak.� He teased.
Ashamed that he was such a person as to make his friends issue his punishment. He couldn�t even get that done by the proper authorities.
Hakkai�s immune system responded to the pain and the breaking of the tender skin by sending white blood cells and platelets to the source.
Sanzo backed his head and porcelain fingers danced with a firming muscle. He slowly pulled his fingers from the demon and began to unbutton his pants.
Gojyo�s face blurred completely in Hakkai�s vision. His sinuses kept draining into the back of his throat. When he would cough, he would jerk; then, he would pant to catch his breath.
Gojyo leaned over and pressed an inverted kiss against the stretched and salty lips of his friend. He thought Hakkai�s face was beautiful when it was flushed with passion. The water lines of released pent-up euphoria gleamed in the moonlight adding lines of sparkles that picked up the green in his eyes. He found it incredibly erotic to see and feel Hakkai writhing under Sanzo�s touch.
Sanzo pushed his pants down to mid-thigh and trailed his tongue up Hakkai�s thigh, across the head of his semi-hard erection and onto his lower abdomen. He paused to lavish attention on the scar that brought them together. Sanzo wasn�t the type to express emotions through flowery language, gifts, or even tender touches -- normally -- he expressed his emotions and feelings for his companions by giving them what they needed. Right now, this companion needed something and Sanzo was more than willing to provide that. He expressed his appreciation and affection for Hakkai by bringing out that which brought them together --- that what created the enigma now known as Hakkai.
Hakkai paled as the lingering evidence of his cursed existence was called out. His scar was much deeper than his skin. It cut all they way through to his core. This was his punishment for loosing his humanity and his jailers were not going to let him forget it.
Gojyo broke the awkward inverted kiss and brushed his lips against Hakkai�s exposed cheekbone.
Hakkai felt renewed panic wash over him when violet eyes filled his blurred vision. He was no idiot. He knew what was coming next. He turned his head and closed his eyes. This was going to hurt like hell.
Sanzo shifted his hips and pressed himself slowly into Hakkai.
Emerald eyes popped and flashed blank as acute pain darted through him. Heat from the stretching burst inside of him and sent him trembling. He struggled against his flesh and cloth binds. He screamed so loud and so long he felt himself going hoarse. �FFFFAAAAAAPPPPPP!!!!!� He felt his body tensing and trying to reject the invasion. Some of his muscles complied with Sanzo�s probing and some resisted. He felt his insides being pulled and tugged -- twisted in two opposite directions. He spent his breath and began to chough and choke on his own saliva and mucus.
Sanzo�s moans turned into distant grunting and Gojyo�s whispers about relaxing were muffles in the darkness. His head leaned limply against Gojyo�s chest. His vision somewhat returned and all he saw was that pocket watch on the night stand. The gold pocket watch shifted and jerked in his vision up and down -- up and down -- up and down -- as his body was pushed and pulled against the mattress. He felt his bangs hitting him in the forehead.
For some reason, he thought if he could just hold that pocket watch everything would be fine. They wouldn�t be here and he wouldn�t be in this position. If he could just hold that watch. Alas, he was restrained. He was barred from the watch. He couldn�t get to his item of comfort and safety.
Ashamed that he couldn�t reach her and just pull her through those bars. Ashamed that he was tardy -- thrice. He got home too late. He got to the cell too late and he got to her body too late to bury.
Sanzo pushed with his arms and raised his head toward Gojyo. As he bucked into Hakkai, he sought out the lips of his lover. Light pink met rich pink and lips parted. Tongues danced.
Gojyo felt Sanzo�s urgent breaths against his cheeks. He knew it wouldn�t be much longer. Sanzo was a good, but somewhat predictable lover. Fairly straightforward any moment now the kiss would break ---
He didn�t even have a grave to visit.
Sanzo broke off the kiss. His face tensed and the tendons in his neck strained under his pale skin. He released a low, chesty groan as his teeth parted. His body shook slightly as he achieved release.
Hakkai slowly blinked. At least it was over. At least the semen inside of him would make withdrawal easier.
Sanzo lightly kissed Hakkai�s forehead before shifting his hips and vacating the green eyed man. He whispered, �You felt so good.�
Gojyo shifted, �Don�t worry, Hakkai, we�re not done helping you.�

Please not again. Hakkai fell back against his bound arms. His head rolled back and the crown of his skull pressed into the mattress. Maybe if he stayed this way his neck would snap and he wouldn�t have to live this wretched existence anymore.
Gojyo and Sanzo scanned the limp demon as they changed places. Hakkai had his back arched over his arms. His legs fell together to one side, he twisted at the waist slightly and his body tried to square at the shoulders. His expression was blank -- he didn�t even blink. He couldn�t even cry anymore.
Gojyo smiled, �I think you wore him out.� He wrapped an arm around Sanzo and pressed a kiss against the blonde�s neck, �I�ve been there before, and I loved it.�
Violet grazed crimson, �We all have our gifts.� Sanzo hiked his pants up and fastened them closed.
Light pink lips pressed into light tan skin. Sanzo carried a line of kisses over the gag and nipped Hakkai�s ear. �You�re nearly spent.� He figured Hakkai�s shoulders had to be hurting from the strain of being bound and his body weight on them. He did his friend another favor and rolled Hakkai on his stomach. �Trust me, you won�t want to miss this.� He slipped between Hakkai�s head and the headboard. He shifted down the mattress and pressed Hakkai�s chest to his. He wrapped his arms around Hakkai�s shoulders.
Sanzo knew Hakkai lacked human affection -- lacked the attentions of a lover. He knew what the green eyed man needed because he was there. He was there until one drunken night with a certain water sprite. He left that cold lonely place and never looked back. He wanted Hakkai to feel that same warmth. He wanted this woeful man to be reminded that he was a sexual being and that it was alright to indulge in natural inclinations. He wanted Hakkai to know he cared --- he just couldn�t find the words. Sanzo wasn�t a words kind of man -- he hoped Hakkai, in his wisdom, would see the meaning behind the actions. He hoped Hakkai would realize that he was not alone. He had friends that would help him shoulder his pain and get through the dark times when grief seemed to surround and devour him.
Violet eyes flicked up to crimson. If Gojyo could help Sanzo with the rain -- then Gojyo could help Hakkai with anything.
Gojyo slipped a bottle from his pocket as he pushed his pants to his knees. Hakkai might enjoy it rough, but he figured after the treatment from Sanzo --- he would need little help dealing with �the big man�. He coated his arousal and drew a glistening line up Hakkai�s spine with his tongue. Tan fingers curled around light tan hips and Gojyo lifted Hakkai into position. He nipped at the slightly shorter man�s shoulder, �We care about you. We�re tired of seeing you so lost and we�re not allowing you to live without love any longer.�
Hakkai had his face smushed against Sanzo�s silk covered chest. A line of darkness underlined his tilted vision of the pocket watch. His beloved pocket watch. He just wanted to hold it was that so bad?
Gojyo curled one hand and felt for Hakkai�s arousal. He was crestfallen when he realized Hakkai wasn�t fully hard. He just knew they had gotten to him too late. The man�s grief had interfered with his normal physical functioning. Maybe -- they could turn back time just a little bit. He shifted his hips.
Emerald eyes went wide as Gojyo stretched his body. The half-breed�s girth pulled on the muscles and tissues that Sanzo bruised and a crisp, clear, edged pain shot through him. Hakkai cried out as he felt himself tear -- internally. His tears resurfaced as his hands balled into fists. He bit down on his gag.
Sanzo smiled at the moan from the green eyed man. �You can say thank you now.�
Hakkai felt his cheek being pushed and pulled against Sanzo�s chest. His stomach was being externally manipulated by its shifting against Sanzo�s body and his breath left him in short bursts.
Sanzo ran a hand through Hakkai�s sweat laden hair and lifted the brunettes bangs from his eyes.
Ashamed that not only did he fail to protect Kanan, but he�d lost his humanity. He was born human and was now a demon -- he couldn�t even protect himself.
Hakkai�s neck began to hurt from the jerking. There was that shifting pocket watch again. The crystal was broken during an act of violence. Kanan was killed via violence. Gonou died in a blood bath and Hakkai was born from a dead soul. It seemed fitting that his punishment -- his atonement should come through violence.
His friends and neighbors in that village betrayed him. Kanan betrayed --- no --- he betrayed Kanan. He betrayed himself. All of the people closest to him all throughout his life have hurt him or played a role in one of his various wounds. It seemed fitting that these friends should hurt him also.
He knew at this moment he was a tragically destined soul -- forever fated to be hurt by those closest to him. One cannot change fate nor fight it.
Sanzo felt what he thought was sweat seep though his silk shirt. He glanced down at Hakkai and followed the brunette�s eye line to the pocket watch. A porcelain hand reached out and porcelain fingers wrapped around the broken time piece.

Please. Give me the that at least. Please.

Sanzo rolled his head forward and kissed hot brown locks. He whispered, �You don�t need that anymore.� He opened the drawer in the nightstand and dropped the acidic reminder in it. He closed the drawer.
Hakkai cried out and squeezed his eyes shut. He reared up and began fighting with his binds.
Violet eyes widened, �You did something right, Kappa.� He wrapped his arms around Hakkai and pulled him back down to his chest. �Just feel -- take a moment for yourself. Let us do this -- let us help you.�
Hakkai�s sudden awakening triggered Gojyo�s release. He relished in an active and feisty lover. His stomach quaked as he draped himself against Hakkai�s back and bound arms. His hands rubbed the sides of that streamlined body and kissed a smoothly rounded light tan shoulder. �You are so sexy.� He winced as Hakkai�s body twitched around him. He knew an internal orgasm when he felt one --- he�d given and received plenty of those. Confident, he was doing right by his friend. He whispered, �We�re always here for you.� He just hoped that at some point they could get Hakkai�s body to respond properly so that he too could feel the pleasure of release. Maybe with enough exposure to the Kappa�s specialty, time could get turned back -- at least a little bit.
Hakkai�s body twitched between the two men -- trying to make sense of what had just happened to him. He felt dirty -- no beyond dirty -- filthy. He hurt all over. His shoulders hurt; he�d long since lost sensation in his hands and fingers. His cheek hurt at his cheekbone from pushing into Sanzo�s sternum.
Gojyo shifted his hips.
Hakkai trembled as Gojyo removed himself. He hurt internally. He was confident he was bleeding.
Sanzo shifted from underneath Hakkai and slid the brunette to the mattress.
Hakkai whimpered as his face and hips fell into the bedding. His hips hurt and his knees hurt. There was a heaviness in his chest that felt like a void. As he tried to breathe, it seemed to suck the air right from him. He wanted away, but it hurt too much to move.
All the while he knew he could have ended everything with a blast of chi. Most efficiently when he was on his knees. He dared not. He couldn�t be the one to harm a friend --- so in some regards by not fighting back he did this to himself. His stomach twisted.

Somebody -- kill me.

Sanzo�s sash was untied and Hakkai�s shoulders initially protested movement. He finally got one around his waist and he balled his tingling hand into a fist. He was angry at himself for not fighting back harder.
Sanzo leaned forward and ran his fingers through short brunette locks. Gojyo knelt down and got eye to eye with his friend. The shadow from Hakkai�s shoulder kept the crimson gaze from finding emerald, but Gojyo knew the contentment he would see.
Sanzo smirked, �Looks like we wore him out.�
Gojyo nodded and brushed his hand across Hakkai�s shoulder. He untied the gag as he whispered, �Rest well. Don�t worry, we�ll be here when you need us -- we know you won�t ask. We�ll just show up.�
A trembling hand lifted from the bedding and twisted into Gojyo�s white shirt as breaking and weak, �Why?� lifted from the lump on the bed.
Gojyo smiled, �Because we care about you --- even when you don�t care about yourself.� Don�t you know affection when you see it and feel it?

Confusion didn�t even begin to describe what Hakkai felt as the two sojourners left his room. Hakkai pushed his face into the mattress and wailed. He felt violated and betrayed. If they were just violent about it -- then he could deal with that, but why did they have to warp his sensibilities with the soft words and tenderness. All this talk of caring and concern -- and yet they ---
Oh that�s right -- he�s the cursed one. This is his fate and penitence for the lives he stole via revenge and incompetence. He should consider himself lucky for having contact with people that were willing to help him destroy himself.
He fumbled for the drawer and pulled out the pocket watch. His fingers curled around it and he tucked it under his chest.
Why couldn�t they just let him hold on to it? Why couldn�t they just give him that one piece of comfort.
Why had the gods frowned upon him since his birth?

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Gojyo and Sanzo returned to their room and changed into their pajamas. Gojyo wrapped his arms around Sanzo�s waist and whispered, �You better watch that stuff. You�ll get a reputation.�
�I have one.� Sanzo closed his eyes and rested his head against the pillow.
�Yeah, well if we keep doing this then you�ll get a reputation for helping people.� He kissed Sanzo�s shoulder, �We did a good thing tonight.�
�Yes, we did -- now, go to sleep.�
Gojyo blinked into the darkness of the room. Something ---We did a good thing --- something in the back of his head ---we helped him --- something was poking at him --- We showed him we cared. --- something whispered ever so slightly ---- He needed the touch of another caring being. ---- something hinted at him that maybe some of those responses weren�t quite right. The fact that Hakkai never achieved an erection bothered him. He sighed and attributed that to Hakkai�s lack of contact and overwhelming grief. They were just going to have to try harder to remind their friend of his sensual side.
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Hakkai laid in a sickening, trembling, flesh heap --- the filth he was feeling, the mental confusion, the physical pain and the lingering odor of contrition got to him. His stomach seized and he vomited onto the bedding. He nearly let himself just lay in it so he could truly be the wretched existence he felt he was, but the smell forced him to move.
He stood and felt blood run down the inside of his thigh. He swayed as he tried to stand. He lost his balance and fell to the floor. The pocket watch skidded across floor. He laid on the cold wood floor with that pocket watch striped by his trembling fingers. Again, the watch was just out of reach.
He hurt too much to move. He needed help and he wanted to cry out for it.
He dared not. This was his penitence. This was his contrition. This was his punishment and his alone.
He need not share his shame. He dug his nails into the wood and pulled himself across the floor. He wrapped his fingers around the pocket watch and realized that this is what he allowed to happen to Kanan. His chest caved in and his breath left him as a plaintive cry.
Eventually, his breathing calmed. Eventually, his eyes hurt too much to cry anymore. Eventually, the cold of the floor became too much. He pulled on the furniture and lifted himself to his feet.
He needed a shower -- to wash away the filth. He needed to get out of this room -- to free himself of the odor of betrayal. He needed to smile -- to hide from the pain.
He did just that. When they come down in the morning -- he would act like nothing happened. He could do that -- he could just change reality. He�d done it for years.
If he smiled enough and laughed enough --- maybe just maybe they would stop showing up in his room.
Maybe�.

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Endnote: This is substantially more creepy on the second read -- once the reader realizes this isn�t the first time nor will it be the last.
Two of my betas missed it -- so I�m going to point it out. The lines that indicate this is a reoccurring event are: �He�d done it for years.� and �If he smiled enough and laughed enough --- maybe just maybe they would stop showing up in his room.�
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One: Believes his reality.

One: Questions his perceptions.

One: Changes his reality.

Sanzo fully believes they are helping a friend.

Gojyo wants to believe that and at some points convinces himself of that.

Hakkai, come morning, carries on like nothing happened -- or so he thinks.
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Most of the dual meanings -- or what I called �creep out alerts� when my betas and I were breaking this apart to make sure I didn�t give it away before the �whammo� at the end --- are fairly obvious. I do want to point out a few things (by far not all).

Sanzo�s line referring to Hakkai: �You�ve seen the change in him -- it�s eating away at him -- devouring him. � Sanzo sees the change as the grief getting worse. Hakkai�s perspective is extremely different.
Sanzo�s line -- �I don�t think this is the only time he�s been with a man.� This is completely and totally sarcasm. He knows this isn�t the only time Hakkai has been with a man. He�s trying to remind Hakkai of the other times they have �helped� him with his grief.
Hakkai POV narrative --- Ashamed that he wasn�t man enough to protect his only lover --- the most important person in his entire life. Emerald eyes squeezed shut.
The word �lover� carries connotations of reciprocated feelings and emotions. He does not consider Sanzo and Gojyo �lovers� . Kanan was his only �lover�. This is manipulation of semantics.
Gojyo�s line --- Gojyo nodded and brushed his hand across Hakkai�s shoulder. He untied the gag as he whispered, �Rest well. Don�t worry, we�ll be here when you need us -- we know you won�t ask. We�ll just show up.�
He�s trying to convey that they understand him and will do what it best for him. He�s trying to be comforting to his grief stricken friend.
Hakkai�s POV -- this is a threat or maybe even a promise -- this this will happen again.
This was more or less a little thought experiment. I�m not sure if it is appropriate for me to say, �I hope you enjoyed it.� I didn�t enjoy reading this nor writing it.
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Conflicting Perceptions --- Conflicting Realties