Fear

Titel: Fear
Oneshot
Autor: Sünde
email: Aya.Fujimiya@web.de
Fanfiction : Weiß Kreuz

Disclaimer : Weiß and Schwarz aren\'t mine (why not? sniff), they belong to Kyoko Tsuchiya, Takehito Koyasu and Project Weiß.
I don\'t make money with this story.


Rating: R

Warning : Angst, Dark, OOC

Pairing: ?


---------------------------------

FEAR


Again another sleepless night.
Again another nightmare.
Again my body is drenched in cold sweat.
Again I empty the contents of my stomach into the toilette.
Again I loose another piece of my soul - a piece of myself.

It\'s not a dream, but a memory.
Sometimes I see what really happend.
Sometimes my brain just twists the events, shows, what else could have happend.

All those years I thought I\'d known You.
How could I\'ve been so wrong?
Back then I didn\'t even understand what it was all about

Often You looked at me, laughed with me.
Often You tickled me, held me in your arms.

Then you went one step to far.

I still remember as if it happened just yesterday.
You pulled me onto your lap, your hands roaming my thighs.
I started to squeal and scream.
But all You could say was:
\"Do you always scream when a man tries to seduce you?\"
I freed myself and ran away.
\"Seduce\", what does it mean?
I\'m only eleven years old, I don\'t understand.

Your desire for me encreased.
My behaviour around You changed ...

Whenever I heared You would come over for a visit, I fled.
If I didn\'t have the chance to flee in time, I stayed sitting at the table, being to scared to leave the livingroom alone.
You could have followed me.
You could have shoved me into a corner again, using my fear and helplessness against me.
Again I would have felt your hands on my body.
Your lips on mine, your tongue in my mouth.

I started to shiver in your presence - out of fear.
I got nervous.
The feeling of disgust rising in me.
My feelings and sensations going crazy.
There was so much but no one saw it.
Fear, rage, helplessness, hate, selfdoubt, sadness, loneliness, panic, ...

The most dreadful thing was the knowledge, that we have never been alone.
The house was always full of people, but no one noticed a thing.
They were all clueless to the deviant game You played with me.

*****

Five years later You folloed me unnoticed into the basement, grabbed me and tried to rape me.
I was so shocked and scared that I couldn\'t even scream.
My family was only two floors above us but no one could help me.

After You crossed the lines like this I couldn\'t hold back any longer.
Crying I told my parents what You did to me during all those past years.
Their reaction shocked me:
\"It\'s your own fault. Just stay away from him.\"
They even told You what I entrusted them with and they laughed.
You all laughed about me.

My world shattered.

I couldn\'t trust anyone anymore, I was on myself.

Loneliness and fear became my constant companions.

*****

At the age of eighteen I left my parents house to start an apprenticeship in an other city.
But I couldn\'t escape from You.
Suddenly You were standing in front of my door.

You wanted to talk ...
I gave you a chance ...
How naive I\'ve been ...

Our conversation started so harmless, somehow I hoped that You might have changed.
My apprenticeship, mobile phones, your family, your kids - that\'s what we\'ve been talking about ...
till You grabbed me, held me tight against your body, forced your kiss on me.
Till You forced me down onto my couch, laying yourself on top of me and started to caress me.

\"You\'re shivering\" You stated surprised.
Tears blurred my sight.
\"I don\'t want this. We aren\'t allowed to do this. You\'re my uncle.\"
Your unbelieving look, your nearly sympathetic smile ...
\"I\'m everything for you, except your uncle!\"
With these words You captured my lips again and held my wrists tight.
No escape possible ...

Hours later - You\'re long since gone - I\'m leaning over the toilette.
Vomitting my soul out of my body.
Why did You suddenly go?
Why didn\'t You take what You wanted so badly?
Why are You doing all this to me?

I don\'t understand anymore.
Did I ever understand at all?

Fear is freezing my insides again.
You said that You would come back again.
What shall I do?
Why doesn\'t anyone help me?

It\'s already dark outside.
I\'m waiting in my car since over a half hour in front of this building.
Now it\'s all or nothing!
Am I going to be strong enough to enter this building?
Can they really help me?
I take a deep breath, then I\'m walking with determined steps inside the building.

A little spark of hope sprouds inside of me...

~~~~~

The phone is ringing.
Is it You again?
Tense - I grab the receiver.
\"Hallo?\"
\"It\'s me. Are you alone? Can we talk?\"
I was right - You\'re trying to talk your head out of the loop.
\"What do You want?\" I ask - my voice determined and icy.
\"I want to know what you told the police. My lawyer needs to know it, too.\"
Your voice sounds excited, desperate.
Only a little satisfaction for me.
\"Why should I tell You what I told the police? You got to know it. You where there whenever it happened! And your lawyer has the right to take a look at the records.\"
Disdain, hate mirror my words.
Angry I end the call with just hanging up on You.

It was a bigger satisfaction to find out that your wife threw You out of the house and took away the kids from You.
I also heared that I wasn\'t your only victim - but I was the only one You always returned to.

I didn\'t count with my parents help, I thought they would disown me.
I never understood why they suddenly believed and helped me.
Why didn\'t they help me before?
I would\'ve been spared of so many things.

*****

Weeks went by.
Then the district attorney called.
What You did to me wasn\'t enough to get you imprisoned.
Your lawyer would rip me into tiny pieces if we go to court.
And even then your penalty would stay the same.

According to the law my youth, my life that You took away from me was only DM 500 (US$ 220)worth.

I started to laugh aloud when I heared of your fine.
Madness and hysteria crawled into my laughter before my emotions crashed entierly over me and I broke down crying in my fathers arms.

My parents sent me to Paris for two weeks out of fear that You might try to hurt or even kill me.

But even after my return fear became my companion again.
I never left the house without a weapon, I started to suffer from the feeling of being pursued.

*****

I never saw You again ...

*****

Lack of appetite, insomnia, panic attacks made my life a living hell.
How often did I sit on my bed with a knive cutting my arteries from wrist to elbow - always drawing blood, but not even deep enough to leave scars.
Why was I such a coward?
Why couldn\'t I just end my life?

*****

Years are gone since then and it took a long time till I started to trust someone again.
It took even longer to find love.
But now ...

I came back to Germany only for a few hours.
I wouldn\'t miss your funeral.
I want to convince myself that You will never get near me again.
And even if everything seems to be far away in the past, I still couldn\'t come alone to face your dead body.

Everyone is already gone, I\'m standing alone at your fresh grave.
My own family didn\'t recognise me.
Well, I\'m not a little boy anymore.
I changed a lot over the past years.
Now I\'m a grownup man.
Too old for your taste. You wouldn\'t want me anymore.
And with that I reached my purpose.

Even today I\'m still suffering from the consequences of your abuse.
But I know that there a people who help me and I can trust them.

\"You almost got me. I almost broke ... nearly died\" I whisper to your grave and turn to leave.

I enter the main way and a small smile graces my lips.
Yes, I was scared to come here alone, but I didn\'t have to.
Sighing I put my arms around my companion and rest my head against his strong shoulder.

I don\'t believe that everything turns out to be OK now that You are dead.
It\'s never going to be OK again.
But it\'s going to get better - slowly it will start to get better.

My companion gives me a small kiss on my forehead and starts to gently rub my back - trying to indicate that we have to depart now.
I understand.
Our flight goes in three hours and we have to hurry.
At home in Tokio our two friends - our family - are waiting for us impatiently.

And while we are leaving the cemetary I slowly become aware of the fact that You can never hurt me again.
Slowly a large burden is falling from me.

I suddenly stop.
With tears in my eyes I look at Brad and say out loud:
\"Finally I\'m free.\"