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The Watcher	By : GhostHelwig Category: +. to F > Diablo Views: 1979 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Diablo, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-The Watcher
- 1
Disclaimer – I do not own or profit
from Diabolo or “I Will Carry You”.
Diabolo belongs to the incomparable Kei Kusunoki
& Kaoru Ohashi., and the song belongs to Clay
Aiken. Rated R for sexual
situations and adult subject matter.
A slash story.
In fact, a very
slashy story.
Do consider yourself duly warned, please.

Author’s Notes – I’ve read the
first two volumes, and there are major spoilers ahead for both, in
particular volume 2. If that bothers
you, please don’t read this.

Oh, and on a personal note, if you have read volume 3 already and choose to
review me, please don’t tell me anything about it. For the first time ever, I’m succeeding in staying away from spoilers for myself. (*lol*)
Thank you for your consideration.

Anyway, enjoy. Peace, all.

*******

The Watcher

by Ghost Helwig

*******

He watched, for the longest time. It was all he could do. The person held so high above him in his own
head, the one who had occupied some part of his every thought since they’d met,
had forgotten him completely.

He tried very hard not to take it
personally.

“Yeah I know it hurts...”

Because he knew, in his heart, that Ren
hadn’t forgotten him deliberately, or even willingly. But still...

It mattered to Rai, this forgetting,
because Ren mattered so very much to him.

“Yeah I know you're scared...”

So when he approached Ren, he was gentle
at first. Didn’t want to scare him off,
didn’t want to make him run. Saved him
from those nasty boys who picked on him (and an irony, that, oh yes, an irony),
but he knew that wasn’t enough to really do... anything.

“Walking down the road that leads to who knows where.”

But Ren was strong, stronger even then he
thought. Though Ren didn’t want to leave
his mother, when she died (and you dream
about it, don’t you, Ren? I hear you
scream at night; your every whimper is a cry for her. Your loyalty will shatter you. Don’t you see? Must I always be the one to show you
darkness?), he went with Rai almost... happily. He wanted to help. He wanted to save.

He was too giving, by far. But Rai would not let that stop him from
taking.

“Don't
you hang your head.”

They traveled together after that, through
dark streets, dark lives, dreaming dark dreams.
It got to Ren sometimes; a child of sunlight couldn’t walk through
shadows and feel at home.

Rai could.
But then, Rai wasn’t made of light.

“Don’t
you give up yet.”

But Ren held on, kept moving, kept
trying. Rai was so damn proud of him for
that. No matter what horror they faced,
Ren faced it with the same bright-eyed, hopeful strength, the same determination
and undying will. He would protect all
the innocents from the Diabolo if he could – and looking in his eyes, one
thought that maybe he really could.

Was Ren really the sword, and not the
shield? Sometimes, Rai wondered.

“When courage starts to disappear...”

But then...

Blood, everywhere. A massacre.
A hospital turned into a mausoleum.

He could still hear Ren’s horrified scream
in his head. He hadn’t screamed. Not even
on the inside.

But then, he didn’t really mind the
blood. No, not really.

...

Not at all.

“I will be right here.”

But he held Ren then, and even though some
part of him – most of him, God help him, he was falling -
was consumed with the bloodlust, the need,
another part of him, quieter, gentler, aching, was clinging to Ren with an
altogether different kind of need.

Long ago he’d stopped believing in a just
world. But when he realized what he was
feeling, what he was needing, he
finally stopped believing in a just God.

“When your world breaks down...”

He could not protect Ren from the
Diabolo. He could not protect Ren from
his mother’s incestuous insanity, from feeling the pain of others, from the
unresolved loss of his beloved cousin Mio.

And most especially, he could not protect
Ren from the pain he knew he would inflict on him very, very soon.

But he could protect Ren from his lust.

“And the voices tell you ‘turn around’...”

That night, Ren slept uneasily,
undoubtedly dreaming of the blood he’d seen, the viciously brutalized
bodies. Rai didn’t dream – he didn’t
sleep.

Instead, as a last defiant act, he kind
of... prayed.

“When your dreams give out...”

Even when he prayed, his first and last thoughts,
as always, were of Ren.

“I will carry you...”

It
isn’t fair to him. What kind of God are
you, that you let the Diabolo take someone like him? If I still believed in your magic, I’d stake
my life that he was one of your angels.

“...carry you.”

He
should have had a normal life. I... was
never meant for much. But he was.
He’s special. And now he has a
demon inside him. Your angel’s been
infected.

“When the stars go blind...”

But
you don’t care, do you? You put him on
this forsaken planet, and you let them take him, and I’d hate you for that but
that’s not even the worst thing.

“And the darkness starts to flood your eyes...”

I
think... I could’ve found a life with him.
I want to, now, now that it’s too late.
It was too late when we were children, and innocent, thinking we were strong enough to save Mio. It’s far beyond too late now.

“When you're falling behind...”

I
hate you for that more than for anything else.

“I will carry you.”

He wiped icy tears from his cheeks, the
demon rearing up for a moment, demanding blood in return for every tear his
human soul had forced him to shed. Only
by staring at Ren’s sleeping face was he able to lock it away,

“Everybody cries...”

He pretended to sleep as dawn approached,
not wanting Ren to know he’d lain awake all night, watching him. Ren would worry, and wonder, and he really
didn’t want Ren to do either of those things.
Especially not on account of him.

His pain wasn’t so important, wasn’t so
special. It was the demon inside him
that he had to fight every single moment
that was truly worthy of being worried about.

But he couldn’t let Ren see that, either.

“Everybody
bleeds...”

Deep breaths – that was what it took. Deep breaths, and the easy remembrance of the
warmth of Ren’s body whenever he touched him, the heat of mingled friendship
and care, trust.

Nothing dirty in that, no, nothing at all.

Which hurt a little, quietly, but his pain
just... had to be handled. And it was.

“No
one ever said that life’s an easy thing.”

But then Ren made him promise. Pinky-swear, as they’d done as children. Was Ren still that innocent, where a
pinky-swear was the most binding vow of all?

Yes, it seemed he was.

Had he not already fallen for this untainted soul, that would have been all
he needed to begin his descent.

“That’s
the beauty of it...”

So he promised to tell him the truth,
something he had no intention of doing – not just yet. But that didn’t matter, not really, not to
him.

He would follow Ren anywhere, everywhere,
until the end. And at only seventeen,
that should have been a difficult inner promise to keep; one made in haste but
sincere, though ultimately fruitless.

However, with destiny fast approaching and
a demon eating at his thoughts, he
knew he wouldn’t follow Ren for much longer.

But he would want to. Inside, deep, where Rai would go when the
monster reigned. Deep in there, he would
want to follow Ren until his death.

“When
you lose your way...”

Will
you kill me, Ren, when the time comes? he wanted desperately to ask. Can you
really do it? Will you really do it? Can you go through with it? If I were to stop right here, to be brave and
tell you what I was feeling, would you kill me?
If I were to beg you to stop my heart, to steal my breath, could you do
it?

Will you kill me, Ren, when the time comes, when I’m forced to admit I’m
falling?

Will you kill me, Ren?

Please?

“Close your eyes...”

Then, they met the girl. Tsukiko.
Pretty enough, but something strange, awkward, ugly, in her eyes... Reminds
him of the first time they met Hiromi, who reminded him of him...

It’s sickness. He doesn’t say it aloud, not to Ren, the
great innocent, the naive child, but he thinks it all the same. She’s sick.
Like Hiromi. Like him.

“...and
go to sleep...”

They try to save her, anyway. Because really, what else is there to
do? Sit by and let the darkness win,
gnaw his fingers to nubs, watch Ren with lust-love-loss clouding his gaze? Each of those roads leads only to sadness.

Each of those roads leads to his ruin.

“...and wake up to another day.”

He wishes suddenly that he could
sleep. Curl in Ren’s arms and just...

Rest.

“When
your world breaks down...”

There’s a robbery at the mini-mart where
he’s buying Hiromi’s clothes. Such a small thing to the clerk, but such a big thing to him. Because they should be
stopped. Evil should be stopped.

A fine line, thinking that without falling
into hypocrisy, but he walks it just fine.

“And the voices tell you ‘turn around’.”

But he lets it go, tastes the blood he’s
drawing from his own finger without recognizing it for what it is. Not just blood-

The sign that his fall
from grace has begun.

“When your dreams give out...”

They take Tsukiko to her home, a condo, so
fine – too fine – for someone as down
on her luck as she is, as her friends probably are as well. But they trust her.

Or rather, Ren trusts her, because Rai
can’t really feel anything much either way.

“I will carry you...”

Upstairs, her home, and it isn’t what they
expected it to be. Far
from. The creeps are there, the
same ones they ‘saved’ her from earlier, and the irony of that makes Rai want
to laugh.

Or vomit.

Either would be appropriate, Rai thinks.

But Ren’s outrage and confusion are
pulling him in, and the human, horrified part of him is winning-

Until he sees them, the creeps, and
Hiromi, she’s letting them...

She’s letting them.

“Carry
you.”

Ren is fighting this, that’s obvious, and
his cheeks are slightly flushed and passion lights his eyes-

And is it the human or the demon who is
now watching him with lust? Rai can’t
even tell.

“When the stars go blind...”

Ren doesn’t see. Ren doesn’t even look at him, is so caught up that he’s ignoring him completely, not
forgetting about him again but that’s what it could be, what it feels
like. That would hurt, really, if Rai
were paying attention.

But he isn’t.

“And the darkness starts to flood your
eyes...”

All he can see is that body.
Not Tsukiko’s, though hers is bared to all, and lovelier than many. Oh no, not hers, he can’t even see her.

What he can see is what he’d like to be doing, in that den of filth and
depravity and blatant, never-satisfied hunger. Oh yes.
He can see what he wants very well.

“When you're falling behind...”

Ren, nude, spread-eagled
on the bed. Himself, bent over
him, devouring that perfect skin, drowning Ren in kisses and caresses, marking
that milky flesh with red, pressure-marks from his anxious fingers.

Ren, bent over a chair, jeans around his
ankles, hands fisted in the cushions.
Himself, behind him, thrusting in hard,
wanting to hear Ren scream, smiling in satisfaction
when he does.

Ren, wanting him. Ren, moaning for him.
Ren, aching
for him.

Ren, letting him.

“I will carry you.”

He’s disgusted with himself, because in
this the human and the demon are in total agreement.

“You should know now that you're not alone.”

He listens to Tsukiko’s story, listens, is
horrified, and doesn’t care. The devil
in him is winning. The Diabolo is winning.

And even now, he can’t let Ren see.

“Take my heart and we will find...”

Violence is looming – that much is
obvious. And then suddenly it’s there, the blood, the pain, and he
overloads. Can’t take this, not now, his
need for blood mingling with his need for Ren, one demonic and foul, the other
all too human and pure, and it’s like his mind is being raped by this demon,
and when he thinks of raping Ren the demon part of him is aroused.

And so the human flees.

“You
will find...”

But he can’t leave like this, with this
conflict inside him, with this human soul and its desires and fears and
heartaches on the one hand and the twisted desires and fearlessness and
savagery of the demon on the other. He
can’t leave here with that vow still on his hand, an invisible mark around his
pinky finger, heated, a band of heat like a fire ring. He can’t take that with him. It’s the last of his purity, and he’s going
to hell.

So he leaves it behind.

“...your
way home.”

Ren turned when it was all over, wanting
only to see Rai behind him, to share his pain and confusion with the only person
in the world who would understand – the only person who ever understood
him. But Rai was gone. He was truly alone.

He’d never been alone before, not
really. Even though he’d not felt
connected to his mother ever since the day she saw him covered in blood (though
he tried to deny it, he knew in his heart it was true), this was still...
different. Because he knew, now, what
being connected to someone, to Rai,
was like. And now...

He was... without.

“When
your dreams give out...”

That
empty room terrified him. Scarred him like not even his mother’s insane lust had.

Was this what his life would be now? Had the end begun?

Was Rai... gone?

“I
will carry you...”

He screamed, screamed, but this time...

No one heard him.

“...carry you.”

Gentle hands picked him up as he lay
helpless in the street, carried him out of the rain and into warmth. Some part of his consciousness, even mired in
this fainting-sleeping world as it was, noted the care he was being given. And as he had experience of this with only
one person in his life, he immediately thought of Rai.

Only it wasn’t thoughts, not really,
because he was dreaming, and dreams, his dreams, were more vivid than thoughts
could ever be...

“When the stars go blind...”

Rai was touching him, gently, just a
little. A caress, not even the ‘biggest’
touch Rai had ever given him, but Ren felt it in his bones. It was... warmth.

He bled this, now. This warmth was everywhere. It enveloped him. It had awoken with Rai’s sudden
disappearance, awoken from the realization that it must awaken now or be
forever lost.

But he was drowning in the heat. Even in a dream.

“...and
the darkness starts to flood your eyes...”

Rai was smiling at him. He smiled very rarely of late, even less ever
since the massacre that Ren himself couldn’t even bear to think about. What a nightmare that had been, and still was,
and he’d ask Rai if Rai dreamed about it, too, but Rai wasn’t really there...

Except he was.

“When
you're falling behind...”

“Ren,” he said gently. “Please open your eyes.”

“I will carry you.”

“Hmm... Rai?” It hardly seemed right, for Rai to be here now,
but Rai was still looking at him and he couldn’t focus... He was drowning in the light, the heat...

The need...

“Carry you.”

Slowly, his mind began to clear, and Rai
was still there, gazing lovingly down at him, making joy tremble in Ren’s
throat. The last night, then, with its
orgy and blood and stench of sin, must have been a nightmare, too... Just a nightmare...

He had a lot of experience with those.

“I will carry you...”

“I’m glad...” he whispered. “I... was dreaming.” An understatement, and a poor one, and he
spoke again as he finally, truly awoke.

“I dreamt that you were gone...”

And it was true.

“...carry you.”

The man above him wasn’t Rai. Had it been, Ren
would have pulled him close, pulled him down...

Kissed him, maybe. Yes. Definitely kissed him.

But it wasn’t, and he didn’t. He screamed instead. But what he really wanted to do...

Was cry.

“I will carry you...”

Kyouya was nice, had saved his life, fed him
and apparently let him sleep in his bed, had even taken his wet clothes so he
wouldn’t sicken from sleeping in them.
But he wasn’t Rai. Hardly his
fault of course, and Ren couldn’t very well blame him for not being Rai, but he
kind of wanted to.

Because Kyouya was here,
and Rai was not, and Ren needed Rai to be. He needed him to be here, to be watching over
him, to be loving him... He needed this not to be the end. It couldn’t end yet. He had something he needed very badly to say
to Rai first.

“Carry
you.”

You
were always the stronger one. You were
always the one who did things, who
knew what needed to be done. You blame
yourself for it, for the Diabolo, but I need you to know – I always loved that
about you, Rai. That you could run where
I could only walk. That you led me on
the paths I could never traverse on my own.
And even when we’re both dead, I want you to know that you left a mark –
you mattered. And even then, when we’re dead, when we’ve
killed each other to save each other, I will remember you.

And I’ll love you.

“I will carry you.”

And he’d kiss him then. Yes. Probably. No –
definitely. Because he
couldn’t leave this world without getting at least that.

No lifetimes for them, no
roses and houses with white picket fences and gardens with beautiful
ponds. No children, no grandchildren, no
family gatherings at holidays. No
passionate nights and flirtatious days and knowing, desiring looks scattered in
between. They couldn’t have any of that.

But they could have a kiss. He could steal one. Before the end. Before they ended each
other.

And it would warm him, as his body grew
cold. Yes. It would warm him.
- 1
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The Watcher