Bittersweet

(This is the very first time I\'m publishing anything on this site - been a member for five minutes *waving a flag* - so if everything\'s all messed up with chapters and titels etc, I apologize right away.)

Fandom: Angel Sanctuary
Pairing: Rosiel/Katan (or maybe K/R)
Rated: NC-17/R (chap.3) otherwise *hmm*...PG-15
Other comments: M/M, yaoi, lemon, BDSM, MC
Disclaimer: Non of the characters belongs to me, not making any money, etc, etc- you know what I mean... Oh, right- and the text written between the ` ´:s is the beautiful song \"Hearthache every moment\", written by even more beautiful Ville Valo (HIM). Enjoy ;)

Chap 1: BURIED ALIVE BY LOVE

‘From lashes to ashes, and from lust to dust. In your sweetest torment I’m lost. And no heaven can help us...’

I love him. I always have. I always will. Always does not change. Always just is. But love changes... “Love hurts”... “Love lifts us up where we belong”...”Love is only a feeling”... “Love’s the funeral of hearts”...

Before it all started; before he began to tear this causeless life of mine apart, it all hurt. Every touch was torture – I am an angel, those thoughts are forbidden (and now I dread them...).
Every word was judging and terminate- his opinion meant everything. If he’d feel sad, I’d cry with him and caress him, if he’d feel happy, I’d join him in his triumph. And if he’d ever be disappointed at me, I’d want to die. And then I’d cry my eyes out, because that won’t ever happen. I will be stuck in this cursed and blessed and beaten and soiled body for eternity... It hurts.

*As I hear a scratching sound – where it comes from I don’t know- I force my shattered and sored body to its feet. Just in case it would be him. In case he would have forgiven me...

‘Ready willing and abel to loose it all, for a kiss of fatal and so warm...’

The chains around my wrists and ankles makes a razzling noise that cuts the thick air like a knife through butter. I turn my gaze from the damp light I’ve been sitting in to the darkness in the other half of this frightingly large cell, where I know the door is. For what feels like hours, I stand like a statue, just starring. And then all by sudden, comes... a rat out of the shadows. As the little animal comes into the light, it stands up on its hindlegs and blinks as if surprised. And then it looks at me, as I slowly slide down the cold stonewall, until I’m back on the floor in the dirt. Where I belong... And I cry. I cry, thinking that first when I’ve cried my eyes out, I will have the strenght to ignore stupid feelings such as love. And the little grey rat puts its head on one side as he’s eying me, feeling blessed to be just a rat.

Yes, Rosiel- it hurts. It hurts so much...

‘Oh, it’s heartache every moment. From the start ‘til the end- it’s heartache every moment, with you.’*


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I think I was about... Well, in human years, you might say I appeard to be sixteen years old; when he first asked me to dress him of. It was late at night, and we had been working on some report to present to one of the counsils. When we where finished with the deadly boring paperwork, I immediatly excused myself and turned to the door, so tired I almost saw double, and besides, I knew He wanted His privacy.
But that time, he wouldn’t let me go (he never will...). The memory is all foggy, but the sound his cloak made as it fell onto the floor, and the feeling of his naked body clinging to mine through the thin material of my clothing, is unforgetable. At first, I didn’t think he was serious (- soon enough, though, I learnt that he always is). Like an unspoiled child, he has got the ability to speak whatever comes to his mind in times when others would have hold their tongues, and at other occassions (like in this picture of the past), hide his true motive; wrap it in silk or dirt as he please, leaving me more naked than he could ever be.

Now- when I’m finnally able to look at it in a different perspective – I think the main reason to why I remember this event at all, is because I think of this as the very first time I ever showed him how week I really am.
I have always adored him.
He has always teased me.
Teasing turned to loving turned to torment.
My torment.
And now- when he has finally been forced to open his eyes-
His torment...

‘Deeper into heavenly suffering our fragile souls are falling. It’s heartache every moment with you’

*I wipe a dirty hand over my swollen eyes. I’m so tired...
Why is he doing this to me? Why can he not see that his hatred against me is enough of a punishment? He hates me because I love him, and he hates himself because he has feelings for me to. It is all so simple. Then why should it be so impossible to solve? Why is it forbidden?

Why should it be so bad to be bad, when it’s so hard to be anything at all?
At least I’m not nothing... Or am I?
Can’t bear to cry anymore.
Can’t bear this restlessness anymore.
Please, come back...
I don’t care if yo’ll kiss me or kill me –
just come back and speak to me again.
Judge me. Touch me. And love me in whatever way you want.

Lord, please, help me to ease my pain... Catch me as I fall. Because fall I will...

So tired...
‘We sense the danger, we don’t want to give up. There’s no smile of an angel without the right of God...’

(This is the very first time I\'m publishing anything on this site - been a member for five minutes *waving a flag* - so if everything\'s all messed up with chapters and titels etc, I apologize right away.)

Fandom: Angel Sanctuary
Pairing: Rosiel/Katan (or maybe K/R)
Rated: NC-17 (chap.3) otherwise *hmm*...PG-15
Other comments: M/M, yaoi, lemon, BDSM
Disclaimer: Non of the characters belongs to me, not making any money, etc, etc- you know what I mean...

Chap 1: BURIED ALIVE BY LOVE

‘From lashes to ashes, and from lust to dust. In your sweetest torment I’m lost. And no heaven can help us...’

I love him. I always have. I always will. Always does not change. Always just is. But love changes... “Love hurts”... “Love lifts us up where we belong”...”Love is only a feeling”... “Love’s the funeral of hearts”...

Before it all started; before he began to tear this causeless life of mine apart, it all hurt. Every touch was torture – I am an angel, those thoughts are forbidden (and now I dread them...).
Every word was judging and terminate- his opinion meant everything. If he’d feel sad, I’d cry with him and caress him, if he’d feel happy, I’d join him in his triumph. And if he’d ever be disappointed at me, I’d want to die. And then I’d cry my eyes out, because that won’t ever happen. I will be stuck in this cursed and blessed and beaten and soiled body for eternity... It hurts.

*As I hear a scratching sound – where it comes from I don’t know- I force my shattered and sored body to its feet. Just in case it would be him. In case he would have forgiven me...

‘Ready willing and abel to loose it all, for a kiss of fatal and so warm...’

The chains around my wrists and ankles makes a razzling noise that cuts the thick air like a knife through butter. I turn my gaze from the damp light I’ve been sitting in to the darkness in the other half of this frightingly large cell, where I know the door is. For what feels like hours, I stand like a statue, just starring. And then all by sudden, comes... a rat out of the shadows. As the little animal comes into the light, it stands up on its hindlegs and blinks as if surprised. And then it looks at me, as I slowly slide down the cold stonewall, until I’m back on the floor in the dirt. Where I belong... And I cry. I cry, thinking that first when I’ve cried my eyes out, I will have the strenght to ignore stupid feelings such as love. And the little grey rat puts its head on one side as he’s eying me, feeling blessed to be just a rat.

Yes, Rosiel- it hurts. It hurts so much...

‘Oh, it’s heartache every moment. From the start ‘til the end- it’s heartache every moment, with you.’*


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I think I was about... Well, in human years, you might say I appeard to be sixteen years old; when he first asked me to dress him of. It was late at night, and we had been working on some report to present to one of the counsils. When we where finished with the deadly boring paperwork, I immediatly excused myself and turned to the door, so tired I almost saw double, and besides, I knew He wanted His privacy.
But that time, he wouldn’t let me go (he never will...). The memory is all foggy, but the sound his cloak made as it fell onto the floor, and the feeling of his naked body clinging to mine through the thin material of my clothing, is unforgetable. At first, I didn’t think he was serious (- soon enough, though, I learnt that he always is). Like an unspoiled child, he has got the ability to speak whatever comes to his mind in times when others would have hold their tongues, and at other occassions (like in this picture of the past), hide his true motive; wrap it in silk or dirt as he please, leaving me more naked than he could ever be.

Now- when I’m finnally able to look at it in a different perspective – I think the main reason to why I remember this event at all, is because I think of this as the very first time I ever showed him how week I really am.
I have always adored him.
He has always teased me.
Teasing turned to loving turned to torment.
My torment.
And now- when he has finally been forced to open his eyes-
His torment...

‘Deeper into heavenly suffering our fragile souls are falling. It’s heartache every moment with you’

*I wipe a dirty hand over my swollen eyes. I’m so tired...
Why is he doing this to me? Why can he not see that his hatred against me is enough of a punishment? He hates me because I love him, and he hates himself because he has feelings for me to. It is all so simple. Then why should it be so impossible to solve? Why is it forbidden?

Why should it be so bad to be bad, when it’s so hard to be anything at all?
At least I’m not nothing... Or am I?
Can’t bear to cry anymore.
Can’t bear this restlessness anymore.
Please, come back...
I don’t care if yo’ll kiss me or kill me –
just come back and speak to me again.
Judge me. Touch me. And love me in whatever way you want.

Lord, please, help me to ease my pain... Catch me as I fall. Because fall I will...

So tired...
‘We sense the dange, we don’t want to give up. There’s no smile of an angel without the right of God...’

So- what d’you think? Lame? ‘Cause if you don’t like it, I won’t add more chaps. Thanks for reading, anyway!