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Dear Debbie\'s corner	By : kamorgana Category: Rurouni Kenshin > General Views: 1929 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Dear Debbie's corner
- 1
Disclaimer: RK is property of Watsuki and co. I only borrow the characters for fun.

Warning (1): This story is about the RK characters love and sex life. It is R rated for hentai humor (just to be safe, it could pass as strong PG-13).
Warning (2): This is a *parody*, meaning I have no respect whatsoever for *any* of the characters. No worshipping here.
Warning (3): The characters �write� using pennames, therefore people having seen just a handful of the anime episodes might not understand.
Warning (4): I am still not an English native speaker; sorry for the remaining mistakes.
Dear Debbie�s Corner

Every week in Meiji Woman Magazine, many lost lovers ask for Dear Debbie's good advice...

***

Dear Debbie,
I�m a graceful, cute and cheerful young kenjutsu teacher. Well, for some time I had only one student, and he�s a little brat who calls me ugly, but this isn�t my problem, as I can solve it with a few bokken strikes. And I have more students now. My dojo is beautiful, no matter people calling it crappy. I can make them revise their judgment with a few bokken strikes, too. My social life is very satisfying, as I have lots of friends who visit all the time, especially around lunch. Then they complain about my cooking, but this isn�t my problem either, as they shut up after I throw the food at them or give them a few bokken strikes. And if my cooking was that bad, they wouldn�t come all the time, would they?
I also have a very, very handsome and caring and tender Rurouni living at my place. He�s doing the laundry and the housework and the grocery shopping and he likes my cooking, too! He�s so sensitive and loves me so much that each time he eats what I cooked he turns all pale and green with emotion! Isn�t that cute? He was a terrible and fearsome assassin before we met, so there are always his former enemies kidnapping me to get back at him. It�s a bit inconvenient, but my Rurouni is very strong and always saves me, it�s sooooo romantic! Like living every day in a romance novel, you see? Of course, he�s also very popular with women, he even has been married (luckily she�s dead!) and I have to be careful with that b*** doctor who is a terrible flirt�.though now that my Rurouni and I are in a relationship, she isn�t a problem anymore. He�s a very true and faithful man. I�m so lucky!
So I should be perfectly happy, but lately I have very confusing dreams about other men. I began to dream about our friends, like the gambler one, he seems deliciously naughty�.Then it got worse, I dreamt about my Rurouni�s ex-brother in law, who kidnapped me, too, and is a very mean person, but he�s very intense, he has those deep blue eyes�and I�m quite sure that he saw me naked, as he abducted me in my kimono and I woke up in a robe. Then, about that psycho cop who looks like a wolf, and he�s a TERRIBLE person, but he�s so fascinating�And now, even about the icy guy my best friend has been in love with for years, I�m certain that there�s fire under his cold appearance�Oh, no! I feel so terrible, because since yesterday I also daydream about them! My Rurouni boyfriend is always very delicate with me in our intimate moments, it�s wonderful, I can�t believe that I have all these nasty fantasies, I have the feeling that I�m betraying him.Help me please!
Tanuki-chan.
***
Hello Debbie-san,
I�ve been married for several years, and I have three sons. Though it was an arranged marriage, I love my husband, and he loves me. Of course, we never told each other, we both despise stupid love fools. I knew he cared for me as he used to slice up men merely for looking at me�*sigh* I regret that time. Not that I�m complaining about our marriage or intimacy, which is VERY satisfying (he�s away a lot because of his work, but he makes up hugely for it when he�s back�believe me!) still, with these moronic new interdictions to kill whoever he wants, he doesn�t have occasions to be that romantic anymore. Luckily I have a chance now to show my affection, since I noticed that the Tanuki girlfriend of his former archenemy is sending him sassy looks, the last time we went to her crappy dojo. I�m going to give her a little piece of my mind just after posting this letter.
My problem is my husband�s imagination. He always identifies people with animals, and unfortunately I ended up as a bunny, for reasons that still escape to my comprehension. I�m certainly nothing like a bunny, as I�m not chubby, I don�t have any addiction to carrots, and I don�t eat the furniture. For our last anniversary, he even gave me a bunny tail and bunny ears. I know that he�s waiting for me to wear them. But I never told him that I have a terrible phobia of bunnies. They are CUTE. How disgusting. As I�m a resourceful person, I managed to distract him using handcuffs and ropes (he really likes dominating but I usually don�t let him too often, to keep his interest), yet he�s growing impatient�What can I do?
Mrs Wolf.
PS: If you go anywhere near my husband with bunny ears and tail you�re dead. If you just go anywhere near my husband you�re dead too.
***
Hi Debbie-chan,
I�m so desperate! I need your advice!
I�m a cute 16 years old, and although I have a lot of responsibilities, since I�m the head of a spy organization, I�m always happy happy happy! I believe in having a positive attitude�although when I�m alone I�m crying a lot, because I�m in love with the most incredible man in the world, and I don�t know if he loves me back! A-sama is soooo [skipping 3 pages] well I hope that these few words could give you an idea of what a wonderful man A-sama is.
I tried everything to get his attention: waiting for him all day while he�s meditating, to provide for his every wish, which is not difficult since he only wants tea. He didn�t even notice me. Making him jealous with that little nice guy S-san, but A-sama didn�t care either. Wearing a kimono, to be feminine and seduce him (blush) but he didn�t react!
Well, I�m keeping faith and I know that one day I�ll have my A-sama.
My terrible problem is the following one: I noticed that my best friend, K-san, is looking at MY A-sama with dreamy eyes lately. She says she�s very in love with her boyfriend, H, but can I believe her? A-sama is sooo [skipping 5 pages] that only a crazy girl couldn�t fall for him. Thinking about it, she�s a bit crazy, though. What can I do? I don�t want to loose my best friend, but if she�s trying to steal my A-sama, I have to do something!
Genki girl.
PS: Sorry, I can�t wait for your advice: I�m going to confront A-sama to know if he could like her�I�m going to his room right now! Wish me luck!
***
Dear Debbie,
Well, I know that your column is girlie stuff and so, but I don�t know whom I can talk to. I just hope that nobody I know will read this letter!
I�m in love with that doctor chick, Megumi. She�s hot! She was in love with my best buddy Kenshin, but now that he�s in hands (poor guy, Kaoru is cute but she�s a terrible cook) I have my chance. It�s obvious that Megumi needs some!
The problem is that Megumi is older than me, and a sophisticated, smart kinda girl, so I get all shy and awkward when she�s around. I�m sure she thinks that I hate her. I don�t write to know how to confess my love, I saw the Weasel girl all around Aoshi: I took notes. I could even write a book on the subject. By the way, the rumor that I can�t even read or write is FALSE. I have to kick Saitoh�s ass, I�m sure he�s responsible for it.
The bigger issue is that I�m still a virgin. Don�t tell anyone, I lied about it to all my buddies�How can I improve my skills (I practiced on my own a lot, I shouldn�t be that bad) without sleeping with another girl, I just couldn�t do that to Megumi even if we�re not together yet?
I have to be sure before confessing my love to her, I bragged to get her interest and I don�t want to look like an idiot afterwards. Please, answer me and don�t tell anyone!
Sagara Sanosuke.
PS: Lately Kaoru looks at me in a very strange way, I think she wants me. Am I too self-centered?
***
Moron,
I found your column in a newspaper that my wife reads in secret. This is very unlike her to read that kind of crap, which only reinforced my suspicions that she�s cheating on me.
I have several evidences of it. First, she is very demanding, which is normal, but she wants me to tie her up all the time, which isn�t. Of course I like this because she looks a little weak, which she isn�t, or I wouldn�t have married her. I despise weakness, but I�m excited by domination. I�m complex, I know. Back to the point: she�s trying to distract my attention from something. It can only be another man.
Second, I offered her a special present for our anniversary, and she doesn�t wear it. It�s fishy.
Third, the last time we went to the crappy dojo of my former archenemy -who has turned into a pathetic housewife- his Tanuki girlfriend kept on sending me sassy looks, and my wife didn�t even gouge her eyes out. It�s the definite proof.
I know that I�m away a lot, but I make up for it HUGELY when I�m home, so she has no reason to be unsatisfied. The problem is that I can�t slice up, on the spot, the morons who just dared to look at her. With these new stupid laws, and being a policeman, I have to do it discreetly, later, and she may think that I�m not the romantic man she knew anymore.
Not that I need your help. I�m kind of a Cupid myself. For example, a few minutes ago, the Rooster provoked me into a fight under the ludicrous pretext that I spread rumors about his stupidity. Like I need to do this for people to realize that he�s dumb. Moron. Nevertheless, I gave him what he really came for: I beat him into a pulp so that he could have his wounds treated by this Fox woman he�s a sucker for. I�m too nice, sometimes.
I know what I could do to get my wife back, but it�s impossible. I could be romantic in the usual moronic way, offering her flowers and so. The idea only makes me sick. Or I could try to excite her jealousy by answering to the Tanuki-girl�s advances. Unfortunately, seppuku is a more attractive option to me.
One of my informers just told me that my wife is going to the crappy dojo. She�s cheating on me with the housewife! I leave you here, I have an old rematch to perform and this time, it�s personal. Provoking a bloodbath is always the solution. As you see, I don�t need your advice. Moron.
Fujita Goro
PS: I you trace to my actual identity you�re dead. If you�re in fact a man and go anywhere near my wife you�re dead too.
***
Dear Debbie,
I�m having a secret affair with a wonderful man, but my best friend keeps hitting on him! What can I do?
Oni girl One
Dear Debbie,
I�m having a secret affair with an incredible man, but my best friend is trying to seduce him! What can I do?
Oni Girl Two.
***
Dear Debbie (what a cute name you have!)
I�m having an affair with two girls. They don�t know about each other, but even if they did they�d stay with me anyway, as I�m incredibly good-looking, strong, and I�m a genius in everything I do (EVERYTHING�you know what I mean?).
Don�t think that I�m cynical. Deep down, I�m a romantic man, but I�m losing faith. Even my dumb disciple found a woman whom he loves more than himself. He�s even getting a little wacko with it lately. Why can�t I find a woman whom I love more than myself?
I know I should decide between these girls, only they�re working in a restaurant and I get free sake each time they visit me. If one was bringing more sake than the other, I could choose�Sake is the only thing that I ever loved more than myself until now.
I found a way to solve that dilemma (I told you: I�m a genius). So, why am I writing to you, would you ask.
You seem to be a pretty smart woman, you and I devoted our lives to educate people (in love or war) so I was wondering if you liked nature and the change of seasons, pottery, alcohol and physical activities�If so, and if you�re cute, contact me on my e-mail address!
Hopefully yours,
Sei-chan@shishou.com
***
Dear Debbie,
I�m a beautiful, witty and interesting woman. I�m a doctor. So can you explain me WHY I don�t have a boyfriend? I wonder if it�s because I have a thing for the guys who saved my life.
The first man who saved my life, K-san, preferred an uneducated tomboy to me. It was a blow to my ego, and to my plans, since I�m devoted to my patients and I need a husband to take care of the laundry, the housework, the grocery shopping and so. Anyway, K-san insisting on wearing pink clothes, not my idea of a manly man, I guess that I can leave him to the Tanuki tomboy. He�ll die of food poisoning soon with her cooking anyway, and my ego will be avenged.
The other man who saved my life is awful, he�s an ex-thug and a smart mouth but he�s incredibly sexy and naughty, and really WHY doesn�t he just take me for meaningless, animal sex whenever he comes to my clinic under false pretenses, like today? Does he really expect me to believe that he went to provoke that policeman SH for a stupid rumor? I mean, the psycho cop beat him into a pulp like what, 15 times already? Nobody can be THAT dumb, even him!
If I recall well, SH, the cop, saved my life too once, and he�s attractive and smart, but I�m not crazy enough to try him. I just saw his wife going to the crappy dojo with a sword in hands, threatening the tomboy with retaliation for hitting on her husband, she�s even more of a psycho than him and I hold my life dear�
So here�s my little problem. The Rooster keeps on telling how good he�s in bed, we established that he wants me, and I really need to get some. So I thought about a little�trick, nothing terrible, just making a powder, with boosting effects, absolutely innocent. It�s no more than a little push to nature, after all. I wanted to give it to him today, but I realized that it disappeared. I suspect that the Weasel girl stole it to melt her Icicle, but I can�t ask without revealing my sexual misery. What can I do?
Foxy Lady
PS: I never tried it and I have no idea of the real effects, it must depend on the dose. A quick answer would be welcomed, just in case.
***
I-don�t-know-your-last-name Debbie,
I�m in hell once more.
No matter how much I meditate, my sense can�t control my sensitivity anymore. I�m a failure again. I�m not the strongest by the sword, and not even the strongest by the mind either.
I should be punished. I don�t deserve happiness. I don�t deserve the woman I love, my pure and innocent Misao. I would destroy her life like I destroyed my companions� life.
Yet, it�s more and more difficult to resist to my attraction to her. She stays all day with me at the temple, bringing me tea. She knows exactly when I need it. She makes it perfectly, the perfect taste, the perfect temperature. Very hot. It creates impure thoughts in my mind, ruining my meditation. I�m sure she noticed how troubled I am when she�s around.
She briefly had an interest in Seta Soujiro, and I was feeling murderous. I was going down the evil path again, dreaming to cut his tiny dwarf�s guts with my swords. I�m sure she noticed that too, and was scared at my evilness.
Lately, I imagine dirty things all the time�like Kamiya Kaoru sending hungry glances at me. And when Misao came to the temple in a kimono, I even thought that she wanted to seduce me! I�m so perverted. I have to save Misao from my pernicious influence.
I just made myself some tea, to calm down, using some special powder they keep here in Kamiya Dojo. It isn�t very strong and I had to use the whole bag to get some taste. It made me think about Misao and the perfect tea she brings to me.
I�m trying to meditate again but I hear some yelling outside, and crashing sounds, this place is terrible, I can�t get any concentration. So I still think about Misao.
Help me. I�m insanely obsessed with her!
Melting Iceman
PS: She just asked if she could come in my room. What can I do?
***
Dear Debbie,
Should I break up with my boyfriend?
Y-chan�no, Y-kun, is a promising swordsman, very noble and brave already, and he�s sweet, but he wants to have a closer relation with me. You know, like bees do with flowers�
I�m willing to give my flower to his bee. BUT I want to be married first and become a housewife, so that I can quit my job at the restaurant, the uniform is VERY distasteful and I�m tired of booze-stinking old guys hitting on me.
It worked for all my friends. Why not for me? Am I too subtle?
Cutie.
***
Dear Debbie,
I don�t need an advice but an address for good psychological counseling. I�m branded for life with what I saw today.
I wanted to ask my friend Genki Weasel for some advice on my girlfriend (I think she wants to get married, but I�m not sure) she wasn�t in her room so of course I went to her wet dream the loser Icicle�s room, and when I entered, EWWWW!
Under the shock, I ran out to the Dojo, and I arrived to find it half destroyed, and the Psycho-cop and his wife were EWWWWWWWWW!
My Busu Teacher (BTW, she�s not very careful with her appearance usually, but her kimono was all torn and her hair ripped off, she should pay more attention) and her boyfriend Laundry-Lover were there too. Thank God he was just holding her hand. Anything else would have killed me.
I was hoping to have sex with my girlfriend, but I don�t want it anymore. Even when I try on my own, these disgusting images reappear�I�m traumatized!
This is serious. You�re my only hope of being a normal teenager again. Save me from this nightmare!
Wannabe Samurai Boy.
***
Hi, Debbie-dono,
How are you? I�m taking the liberty to write you as I have a problem concerning love.
I�m absolutely in love with a wonderful, refreshing young woman. She�s very different from my wife (I�m a widower, of course I�m not a cheater, whatever my ex-brother in law thinks) and maybe that�s the problem. My wife was older and experienced, and my lovely K-dono was very innocent at the beginning of our relationship. She is still shy, which leaves me a bit unsatisfied. I feel guilty about it.
Maybe I should start by saying that I have a wild side. I was a fearsome assassin when I was younger. I promised myself not to kill anymore, this I can manage, but giving up my dark side on other levels is more difficult. The only way I can get some satisfaction the way I had with my former wife, now, is to stand in the way of my sweet K-dono when she hits people with her bokken or throws food at them�She�s very good at it, and incredibly sexy when she does! But it makes me feel guilty in a way.
I thought I had found a solution. Unfortunately it ended up in a complete disaster.
Some time ago, I went to visit M-dono at her clinic, and she was preparing a powder to suppress sexual inhibitions (she was talking alone out loud, I think she really needs to get some�) So well, I thought that this could help my K-dono to unleash her real personality in intimacy, and I borrowed it. I just forgot to ask M-dono, so I shouldn�t feel guilty for that, should I?
I started by giving K-dono a little of the powder in her tea every night. It didn�t work the way I wanted. She began to talk in her sleep about my pal S, and I was so jealous that my dark side pushed me to spread false rumors on his inability to read and write. I�m very ashamed of that. I�m relieved that it didn�t have consequences. I would feel so guilty otherwise!
I increased the dose, and she obviously had dreams about my ex-brother in law YE and my former archenemy SH. This is SO unfair! They are BAD guys! Is that because they are tall and dark and fascinating? I know that my liking for pink clothes and my long hair gave me a certain reputation, but I can be wild and manly too! (and with higher heels on my geta I can even get taller!)
So I decided yesterday to give her some powder with her breakfast and lunch too. I noticed some suspicious eyeing towards an ex-enemy who became my friend, SA (I have to precise because almost all my friends are ex-enemies). But still nothing when we were together.
Unfortunately today, I noticed that the powder has disappeared! I didn�t have time to hide it after lunch, as the Dojo got suddenly a bit busy. BTW, I don�t know why T-dono wanted to kill K-dono, or why her husband SH thought that I had an affair with her and wanted to kill me too, or why they ended up making out in front of us and talking about bunnies. The idea of that psycho surrounded by cute bunnies being very disturbing, and as I had to clean the Dojo (again) I didn�t pay attention then.
But now I�m worried�
K-dono�s student, Y-kun, was looking very strange at dinner tonight�did he steal the powder to use on his girlfriend? I think that time has come to have a conversation with him about, you know, flowers and bees.
That�s why I need your help. The only father figure that I have is an egotistical seducer who tries to pass for a romantic misanthrope (as if his ego could afford nobody to worship him, ha!) even at his age he has TWO girlfriends and it�s not enough, so I can�t ask him on the healthy way to talk about �it� with a teenager. Look at what his education has done to me!
Would you be kind enough to answer me? I feel responsible and guilty now.
Gozaru-kun
***
Debbie woman,
Reading your column, and seeing the dysfunctional love life of all these people, would you explain me please why on earth I�M the one to be called a weirdo, for doing so little as worshipping my perfect sister like she deserves it and trying to get rid of her unworthy boyfriends?
Wild Tigerman.
PS: Coming to think of it, I may have a little problem. I always fall in love with tough, intelligent, strong, stubborn girls. It�s exhausting, I�m fed up with having to go to the Macho Anonymous, so I wondered if you knew a cute, virginal girl who would hate violence, have no particular brain capacities, and be fond of cute things, like candlelight and white flowers for example?
***
Dear readers,
I have no time to answer you this week (hopefully not the following weeks either) since I�m going to a pottery seminar somewhere near Kyoto.
V(^0^)V
Debbie.
****the end****

Author�s notes:

*starring* (in order of appearance): Kaoru, Tokio, Misao, Sano, Saitoh, Okon, Omasu, Hiko, Megumi, Aoshi, Tsubame, Yahiko, Kenshin, Enishi.

Enishi�s last request is an allusion to Sayo (anime, Christian Ark).
Oni is short for Oniwabanshu, not a reference to the Japanese demons.
Of course, as it�s a parody, there are anachronisms (^-^).
Just in case: seppuku is the samurai way of committing suicide, and geta are traditional Japanese shoes.

Bunny Tokio belongs to Mara-Amber, and features in her great story �The Right Side� (thanks for letting me use it (^-^)).
Thanks a lot to Mara, FiruzeKhanume and L.Sith, for their precious comments and grammar check (^-^)

Written spring 2003, first posted on my site on December 1st, 2003.
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Dear Debbie\'s corner