Yukishiro Enishi: An Owner\'s Guide

Disclaimers: As always, RK is not mine.

Notes: My references sources have come from Sharkaria’s Enishi list, site Let it Burn and Maigo-chan’s translations. Special thanks goes out to Theresa Green for allowing me to use her ingenious creation and also to Firuze for inspiration and suggestions.

Yukishiro Enishi: An Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual

***CONGRATULATIONS!***

You have finally acquired a YUKISHIRO ENISHI model. To make the most of this gorgeous purchase, please read this manual that has been compiled to ensure that your satisfaction will be guaranteed.


**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: Yukishiro Enishi (will also respond positively to “Tiger” in heated/intimate moments)
Type: Man (Painfully Gorgeous variety)
Manufacturer: Oibore Enterprises
Height: 175cm (5 feet 8 inches)
Weight: 68kg (149 Ibs.)
Length: over 30 inches of the best combination that Chinese and Japanese craftsmanship have to offer
Level of Skill: Mind-blowingly fantastic with an ougi that will knock you out of this world
Occupation: Revenge/Triad Leader selling arms and weaponry


**ACCESSORIES**

Your Enishi should arrive with the following articles:
A) One navy blue travel cloak
B) One complete suit of Chinese clothing
C) One pair of soft black shoes
D) One tachi
E) A bath robe (for those who wish to dress him in something more comfortable, not to
mention convenient)
F) One yin and yang earring (quite the trendsetter, our boy)
G) One pair of uber cool sunglasses

Owners who opted for the additional ENISHI equipment range should ensure that the

I) fancy engraved gun

and

J) 3 hot-air balloons (helium not included) have been sent as well.

As for those who thought that the EVIL MINIONS were included in the addition equipment range, we specifically told you that this is a separate set that has to be ordered.


**INSTALLATION**

Contrary to what your excited instincts/hormones/lust attacks tell you, do not attempt to rip the box apart trying to get to your ENISHI. Being the temperamental person that he is, a patient and gentle procedure is in order. Expect him to complain about the long boat ride back from Shanghai and don’t resent his lack of patience. Instead, give him a hot bath to get him in a good mood.

Being the responsible owner that you are, it would be most cruel to throw your ENISHi into a bathroom full of modern facilities he would not know how to use. Spend as much time as you need familiarising him with the hot tub, the various bath oils and shampoos in your extensive collection. Your ENISHI is used to the good life and will not turn down the services you offer.

After this, your ENISHI will undoubtedly be exhausted and in need of rest. Make sure you tuck him into bed (Owners who still wish to have their spouses alive and their marriages intact should not attempt to do this in the matrimonial bed). If need be, get in with him and make sure he is as comfortable as possible. After a light nap, your Enishi will be awake, energised and raring to go.

WARNING: If for some reason you have purchased a TOMOE unit, please keep her out of sight. If your ENISHI sees her he will completely ignore you and slip into WORSHIPFUL BROTHER mode. In fact, it would be better to send/sell TOMOE away. Do not attempt to lock her in your basement. Any ill treatment of his sister will trigger the NERVES OF INSANITY mode in your Enishi and your life, as you know it, will be over. Literally.


**OPERATING PROCEDURE**

Owners of the ENISHI model invariably agree that he is a most talented and versatile unit. For those of you however, who have proved this beyond a shadow of a doubt in your living rooms, dormitories, cars, garages, tabletops, floors et cetera, there is more to your ENISHI than the rather unorthodox and unofficial function of SEX GOD that we must repeat, is initiated solely at said owner’s will.

CRIME LORD:
Aspiring to run your own empire and carve a place for yourself in the underworld? No idea where to start? Never fear. Leave everything to your ENISHI. As the most feared Dragon Head of Shanghai who clawed his way to the top with nothing, he is the best person to help you get a head start. Not only will he look after the technical aspects of the business, he will also help get rid of the pesky competition.

BODYGUARD:
Your ENISHI unit is nothing if not loyal. He will protect you with his life. Physically, he is at the top of his game. To paraphrase the SAITOU unit’s accurate assessment: His spirit is greater than his body. He also has the added advantage of being able to psych his opponent out with their past sins. Therefore, you may relax and leave yourself in his more than capable hands.

MARTIAL ARTS INSTRUCTOR:
Having taught and trained himself from ancient manuals, your ENISHI is more than capable of passing on those nifty moves to you (no, we are not talking about THOSE kinds of nifty moves or the Kama Sutra). Save yourself a ton of money by having him instruct you in the fighting arts. Better yet, have him teach several classes and watch the dollars roll in.

NUMBER ONE FAN: (Locked)
This function will only be triggered if you have managed to earn your ENISHI’s total and complete loyalty, not to mention undying affection. The results vary but the most common scenario is that he will start a fan club for you which will amazingly, grow very quickly. This is because your ‘fans’ will have been bribed, commanded, coerced with death threats et cetera if they do not worship you and think that you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread.

WARNING: Owners should be made aware of the ENISHI unit’s high propensity for jealousy. Aside from your father and brothers, the ENISHI unit will not tolerate the presence of any other males around. For the general sake of health, happiness and public safety, owners should:

A)Make sure they have a separate home for their ENISHI unit should they decided to trigger the SEX GOD function. Our company is not responsible for any decapitated, disemboweled or psychologically traumatized husbands who wander off to the nearest slums.

B)Warn off all admirers/potential admirers and tell them to beat it. If they do not comply, said admirers may have the living daylights punched out of them and possibly may end up as shark bait.

C)SHOULD NOT engage in any dalliance whatsoever with any other units known to be equally possessive. Unless you want your ENISHI unit to engage in a battle to the death over you in a jealous rage, it would be wise to adopt option A. Whole neighbourhoods, buildings and schools have been razed to the ground by ENISHI units dueling with SAITOU units, KENSHIN units in BATTOUSAI mode and even SHISHIO units. Again, our company will not be liable for the damage costs either to said units or for any demolished property.


**COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS**

Being the devoted creature that he is and having been put through the TRAUMATISED CHILDHOOD programme, it is understandable that your ENISHI is on the anti-social side. Therefore, owners should consider carefully whom to allow him to socialise with.

HIMURA KENSHIN:
Under no circumstances is your ENISHI to meet this model without supervision and tranquilizer guns on hand. Otherwise, your ENISHI is likely to attempt to kill the KENSHIN unit by slicing him to pieces or smashing him against trees. Do not be alarmed though, if your ENISHI unit takes out his gun. All attempts to shoot the KENSHIN unit will miss, resulting in your ENISHI finally throwing the gun at his mortal enemy. The only damage done to the KENSHIN unit will be a bruise or two on the head.
Also, a rumour has been circulating that it is possible to engage KENSHIN and ENISHI units in Slash mode. DO NOT BELIEVE THIS. Any attempt to pair up said units in a sexual relationship will result in immediate castration and painful death.

If you insist on a slash pairing with your ENISHI, try the SETA SOUJIROU unit or the HONJOU KAMATARI unit. At least no bodily harm will come of an unsuccessful pairing as your SOUJIROU unit may have fled and ENISHI is unable to harm the KAMATARI unit as the latter’s feminine appearance will trigger the DO NOT HARM YOUNG WOMEN mode in him.

KAMIYA KAORU:
It is relatively safe to allow your ENISHI to socialise with this unit. While he may generally ignore her, make comments about her cooking, throttle and occasionally threaten to kill her if she moves out of a confined area, the above-mentioned DNHYW mode will prevent him from ultimately harming her.

You may want to keep a close eye on these two units though. If there is a KENSHIN unit lurking around, your ENISHI unit may feel compelled to kidnap and take her away to a deserted island in order to plunge said KENSHIN unit into a hell of despair. If seeing Kenshin rot away makes you happy, remember to pin a homing device on your ENISHI so that you can retrieve him when the time is right.

You may also wonder at your ENISHI’s insistence on undressing the KAORU unit if she looks grubby or unkempt and putting a bathrobe on her. Do not worry about this. He is merely being gentlemanly and getting her into something clean. Again, the DNHYW mode will guarantee her modesty.

WARNING: It is possible, given time, that if you set your KAORU and ENISHI to ROMANTIC mode, that something really might happen. If you truly wish to pair them up, buy them two tickets to the Caribbean and do not allow your KENSHIN unit to discover their whereabouts. Remember to give your KAORU unit nothing but bathrobes to wear. Or better yet, take her shopping and buy Agent Provocateur/ Victoria’s Secret underwear.

YUKISHIRO TOMOE:
As mentioned above, any contact with a TOMOE unit will reduce your ENISHI unit to the WORSHIPFUL BROTHER mode and you will never be able to truly enjoy him again.
Unless you possess the virtue and generosity of a saint, do not allow your ENISHI unit to ever see a TOMOE unit. There are other ways of making him happy and these include bathtub privileges with you, playing “Hide the Tachi” and “Crime and Punishment” (a game that has garnered rave reviews from SAITOU unit owners).

Should you run out of ideas, please visit our website DominatrixDreams.com for more suggestions and a range of apparel and instruments. Our bestsellers include the catalogues Metallic Mania, Furry Fantasies and Luscious Leather. We also have an edible range. Feel free to browse around and make your choices. If possible, include your ENISHI unit while deciding what to purchase. Being the forthright character that he is, he will not fail to speak his mind.

EVIL MINIONS SET A:
Should you and your neighbour play “SEIGE OF THE KAMIYA DOJO”, you may want to purchase this set in order to give your ENISHI a fair chance of victory. Okay, so they all lost and he could take the KAMIYA RESIDENTS set on single-handedly but you don’t want to dirty him more than necessary right? Who wants to wash the grime and sweat off his sleekly muscled shoulders, his firm pectorals, his tight and toned waist, his huge— (content here has been omitted mainly because it exceeds the manual’s rating)

The main point is, no self-respecting villain turns up without an entourage. Simply purchase the BANJIN, OTOWA, MUMYOUI and GEIN units even if you think they are white elephants. We are currently offering a discount on this set for a limited time only.
WARNING: Do not allow your GEIN unit near any of your Barbie dolls or your KAORU unit. If bodies go missing from the cemetery or morgue, lock your GEIN unit in the basement. If you wish to get rid of him, rent/borrow an AOSHI unit and toss him inside. Have fire extinguishers and a spade ready.

EVIL MINIONS SET B:
This set comprises of the SUSHIN units (SEIRYUU, SUZAKU, BYAKKO and GENBU) and their leader HEISHIN. Generally considered as useless, even more so than EVIL MINIONS SET A, especially since their loyalty does not lie with your ENISHI unit, nonetheless, we highly recommend you purchase this set simply to fill up your shelf space. If nothing more, you could always rent them out as punching bags and make them useful.

WARNING: Do not allow your HEISHIN unit to socialise with your ENISHI unit. Prolonged exposure to each other will result in potential triggering of NERVES OF INSANITY, wild random shooting by a near insane HEISHIN and beating up of said HEISHIN unit. If there is no KENSHIN unit to intervene, your HEISHIN unit may prematurely expire.

In general, these are the only units you need to take note of. If you are in possession of the SAGARA SANOSUKE and MYOUJIN YAHIKO units, they may threaten to kill your ENISHI unit. He, however, will ignore their empty threats and all other members of the RESCUE TEAM set. As can be gathered by any discerning owner, unless you like threesomes, it’s best to keep your ENISHI unit all to yourself.


**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

Question:
In spite of following your instructions and even purchasing products from your bestselling catalogues, my ENISHI simply refuses to go into SEX GOD mode. In fact, he blushes, looks extremely ill at ease and keeps calling me “Nee-san”. What the hell is wrong with him?

Answer: Do you have long hair? Are you the silent, ice-princess type? Do you have difficulty smiling? If the answer is a definite “yes”, then we advise an immediate image makeover. Cut your hair short, start grinning and grow a personality. The moment you stop resembling the TOMOE unit, your ENISHI should snap out of it and proceed to rock your (tabi) socks off. On the other hand, if you deliberately dressed like the TOMOE unit, we advise you to seek counselling.

Question:
A few days after my ENISHI unit arrived, I noticed that my Transformers collection and the guns and grenades from my G.I Joe collection have gone missing. Is my ENISHI stealing them?

Answer: What a ridiculous question. Of course he is! You did order one hot, irresistibly sexy Triad boss who specialises in smuggling firearms. Or were you too busy shagging him to read his occupation?

Question:
My ENISHI has become sullen and withdrawn of late. When alone, he cries over his Nee-san and does nothing but plot revenge. How can I help him?

Answer: There is only one solution to this problem. Your ENISHI has gone into JINCHUU mode and nothing will satisfy him save for the destruction of a HIMURA KENSHIN unit. Borrow/ Rent one such unit, key in the END OF A DREAM mode and place the KENSHIN unit at your nearest slum/rubbish dump. Then, take your ENISHI there and assure him that the KENSHIN unit’s death is inevitable. He will immediately perk up and be back to his jolly old self.

Question:
My ENISHI has been visiting a neighbour who has purchased the SHISHIO unit. I have ordered him not to go anymore as I am concerned for his safety but he insists that he is fine. Also, he will not let me accompany him there. What’s going on?

Answer: Do not worry. Your ENISHI unit will not come to any harm. He is merely brokering a deal to sell a RENGOKU unit to the SHISHIO unit. On the other hand, if the thought of a ship with enough firepower to level a city in the hands of a mummified maniac frightens you, you might want to slip a hint or two to either a SAITOU or KENSHIN unit. They will, together with a SANOSUKE unit, destroy it.

Question:
My ENISHI unit has gone all anxious and frantic. He keeps asking me to smile for him. What’s up with that?

Answer: Have you been suffering from a lot of stress lately? Any major disappointments in your life? Whatever it is, make sure that you smile (and sincerely we might add) at your Enishi at least twice a day. Your ENISHI unit is extraordinarily sensitive to your moods. His happiness is dependant on yours.

A word of caution: If your ENISHI unit discovers the source of your unhappiness is caused by a person i.e. overbearing professor, pain in the ass boss, jealous husband/boyfriend, he will speedily attempt to alleviate your suffering. In other words, he’ll kill them.


**TROUBLESHOOTING**

Problem:
My ENISHI, lovable creature though he is, refuses to listen to me at times. I have had to pry him off my neighbour’s KENSHIN units. I am tired of tracking him down to random islands in order to retrieve him, the KAORU unit he absconded with and searching the sand for his earring. In other words, I am having an obedience problem.

Solution: We are very pleased to announce that we have a new addition to the ENISHI equipment range. It is recommended that you purchase a TOMOE HOLOGRAM RING. Tap the faux ruby once to produce SMILING TOMOE. For UNSMILING TOMOE, tap twice. This is only for extreme cases and should not be used lightly since TOMOE’s smile or the lack of it is enough to make or break your ENISHI’s day/life. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility.

Problem:
There have been a few shady characters hanging around my place. One looks like a Rambo reject, the other like a distant cousin of the SKELETOR unit (from Masters of the Universe Inc.). And there’s something skulking about around my ceiling.

Solution: You have to be firm about this. Tell your ENISHI this is not his mansion; this is your house. If he wants to plot the destruction of the KENSHIN unit next door, he’ll have to do it by himself. Better yet, use the RING (no, not the ONE RING) and convince him that TOMOE does not want him to waste his life on revenge. She wants him to be happy. More specifically, she wants him to make sure you are happy. Your ENISHI will, from that moment on, be your willing servant/love slave/consort and anything else you want him to be.

As for that thing in your ceiling, call Miburo Exterminators. They will be more than happy to send their best man to get rid of it.

Problem:
My ENISHI is going around saying, “I see dead people.” It’s freaking me out.

Solution: While generally independent and able to take care of himself, your ENISHI still needs some amount of supervision. Do not allow him unrestricted access to your DVD collection. Remove “The Sixth Sense” immediately along with any horror stories that feature ghosts.

Problem:
My ENISHI unit is saying that his strength comes from negative emotions. In fact, he has taken to wearing my black motorbike helmet, a black cape and has been persuading me to give in to my anger. Has he gone bonkers?

Solution: Two things have possibly occurred. Firstly: that your ENISHI unit has been talking to a TAKANI MEGUMI unit. Do not let her attempt to analyse the source of his strength anymore.

Secondly: We repeat again, do not allow your ENISHI to have full access to your DVD collections. Also, please pay attention to the movies you bring him to. As any self-respecting Star Wars fan will tell you, your ENISHI unit is channeling the DARTH VADER unit. If you do not stop this soon, pilfered LIGHTSABERS will soon be appearing in your home.

To stop your ENISHI from continuing down this path of humiliation, show him what happens to those who follow the Dark Side. Generally, they rot, corrode, are more machine than man et cetera. If that does not deter him, then take him to see Batman Begins. If he must follow a dark knight, at least give him a positive role model. And promise him you’ll buy a BAT MOBIL accessory. That should do the trick.

Problem:
My ENISHI, while in possession of drop-dead good looks and a to-die-for athletic body, is not what you promised. He doesn’t care about what TOMOE thinks, insists he has a brother and is hell bent on world destruction, not Jinchuu. Is this a programming problem?

Solution: We’re afraid, in more ways than one, that you have not been issued with an ENISHI unit but a KNIVES unit instead. KNIVES is an extremely volatile unit and a confirmed psychopath. Do not attempt to directly confront him. Do not attempt to keep him unless you yourself are a crazed person on the path to world domination. If possible, sedate/drug the KNIVES unit and return him to us.


**FINAL NOTE**
Though somewhat pampered, spoilt and stubborn, your ENISHI will more than make up for his flaws by making you the centre of his world. Be sure to see that he gets enough mental and physical stimulation so that he remains in tiptop shape. With diligent attention and lots of loving care, your ENISHI unit should last you for many years to come.