Saitou Hajime: An Owner\'s Guide

Disclaimer: RK is not mine.

Summary: Now that you’ve landed one of the sexiest cops this side of anime fandom, learn all about him for a howling good time. This Guide will teach you all you need to know about your Saitou.

Notes: Many thanks to Theresa Green for letting me reproduce her ingenious creation. And my deep appreciation goes to Firuze and Kamorgana for their corrections, inspiration and suggestions. ^_^

Statistics for Saitou were taken from Let it Burn.


Saitou Hajime: An Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manual

***CONGRATULATIONS!***

You have managed to get your hands on one of the most desirable units around, SAITOU HAJIME. In order to ensure that you know how to fully utilise him to get your money’s worth, please read this manual carefully.


**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: Saitou Hajime (Alias ‘Fujita Gorou’. Will respond positively to nicknames such as “Captain” and “Miburo” in intimate/heated moments)
Type: Man (Lean and Mean variety)
Manufacturer: Wolves of Mibu Pte Ltd
Height: 183cm (5ft 11 inches)
Weight: 71kg (156 Ibs.)
Length: 26 to 30 inches of 100% pure Japanese blade that has been proven, through extensive tests, to be the best
Level of Skill: Extremely swift and lethal thrusts that are guaranteed to always hit the mark
Occupation: Assistant Inspector/Spy/Full-time eradicator of evil


**ACCESSORIES**

The accessories your SAITOU comes with depend on the version you have ordered. For sneaky owners who tried to order both versions, we would like to reiterate our company’s policy. Due to the overwhelming demand for the SAITOU unit, each owner is only allowed to have one.

A) SAITOU MK I (Pre-Meiji Era)

This SAITOU unit comes with:

i) Tradition gi and hakama bearing the patterns of the Shinsengumi
ii) One pair of sandals
iii) One pair of white tabi
iv) Japanese nihontou and wakizashi

Note: This particular SAITOU unit’s hair is long. Remember, this unit existed in the pre-Westernisation period of Japan. Any attempts to bring him to the hair salon will result in certain grievous bodily harm and possible death to either you or the unfortunate stylist.

Although long hair is unusual in this day and age, think of the positive aspects. You will be required to spend more time with him in the shower to ensure that his hair is squeaky clean and silky smooth. It may also come in handy for combat in the bedroom. If you are clueless about this, do not fret. Your SAITOU is an incredibly creative person and will show you the ropes (you may also want to show him any that you have bought for such occasions). Ask him about the many uses of belts and jackets as well.

B) SAITOU MK II (Meiji Era)

This SAITOU unit comes with:

i) Navy jacket and pants (complete with belt)
ii) White shirt
iii) Black fitting T-shirt
iv) One pair of white socks
v) Western boots
vi) Cigarette pack
vii) A box of matches
viii) Japanese nihontou
viiii) A pair of white gloves

Owners who have chosen to purchase the optional “Medicine Peddler” outfit should ensure that
I) One hidden sword

And

II) One medicine box containing a small amount of Ishida powder is also included.

As for those of you who assumed that the SHINSENGUMI THIRD UNIT set comes with the SAITOU MK I unit, we specified very clearly that this is a separate set that has to be purchased on its own.


**INSTALLATION**

Considering the kind of character the SAITOU unit is known to possess, all owners are instructed to exhibit self-control. Take a cold shower, several if you must, or sedate yourself. At no point should you scream, squeal or attempt to violently open the box. This will only cause your SAITOU unit to call you ‘Ahou’ and will earn his scorn.

Once you are ready, approach the box with an oxygen mask and a large fan. Owners who do not do so may be rendered unconscious by the thick smoke fumes that will escape once the lid is removed (What else did you expect him to do?).

Do not complain about the smell. Do NOT attempt to take away your SAITOU’s cigarettes. If you want to remain whole and unharmed, let him keep them. Buy an air purifier if you must. On a brighter note, your SAITOU, being a clean and hygienic unit, will not object to the hot bath you offer him.

Your SAITOU is a quick learner and it is your responsibility as his owner to show him how to use modern shower facilities. Introduce him to your collection of soaps, bath oils and shampoos. Ensure that he knows exactly how to use these to increase the pleasure that may be derived from baths.
After his long journey, your SAITOU will undoubtedly be in need of rest. Tuck him into bed (married owners who desire their husbands and marriages to remain intact should not attempt to do this in the matrimonial bed) and make sure he is comfortable. If you must, get in with him to be doubly sure. After a light nap, your SAITOU will be ready for any activities you have in mind.

WARNING: Should your SAITOU unit insist on scoping out your house either before his bath or after, do not worry. He, being the seasoned cop/warrior that he is, is simply checking out his surroundings and assessing the security of your home. Rather than get in his way, offer to show him around. Give him the extended version of the tour if you think he is up to it.


**OPERATING PROCEDURE**

Owners of the SAITOU unit invariably agree that he is an extremely talented individual who is able to adapt to different surroundings. For those of you who have tested this in your living rooms, attics, basements, beaches and even swimming pools, you should be aware that your unit has more functions other than that of the rather unorthodox and unofficial one of LOVE MACHINE.

I. PERSONAL SPY:

Knowledge is power. Can’t stand your overbearing boss? Sick of the way your colleague takes credit for your work? Never fear. Hand their names over to your wolf and let him loose on them. Your SAITOU will inevitably dig out their deepest, darkest secrets. The next time your boss harasses you, tell him you know what he’s really doing with that SHISHIO unit he bought on eBay (“So that explains the cries of ‘Mummy!’ eh?”).

WARNING: It is imperative that you i) do not use this information for petty blackmail ii) inform your SAITOU beforehand that this information is for self-protection/preservation. Loyal as he is, your SAITOU is instilled with a high sense of honour and the last thing you want is for him to lower his estimation of you.

II. PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR:

For those whom have always wanted to be Sherlock but are more Watson, this is your chance to shine. Let your SAITOU have a go at those cases and be content at basking in the glory of his achievements.
WARNING: Since your SAITOU has almost zero tolerance for morons and a habit of running his underlings into the ground (a talk with the CHOU unit will confirm this) it is best that you not accompany him on any investigative jaunts.

Do not worry if he disappears periodically. As your SAITOU will very confidently tell you, he has earned a reputation for being immortal. When he does return, perhaps a bit bloodied and with more scars, do not complain; he will not appreciate that. Instead, show him your concern with a thorough physical check-up which will result in his willingly returning the favour.

III. PSYCHOLOGIST:

Having neatly dissected the twisted minds (amongst other things) of enemies such as the USUI and MUMYOUI units, your SAITOU has proved his competence in the area of analysing the human psyche. Instead of having the patient come in for endless visits, all your SAITOU needs is one session to get to the root of their problem.

WARNING: This function is to be used solely at your discretion. Being the bluntly honest character that he is, your SAITOU will not hesitate to call them a weak sissy, freak or failure if he deems them as such. We will not be responsible for any psychological traumas, runaway rurounis or deaths a la DARTH MAUL style during the said treatment.

IV. INSTRUCTOR:

Learn from an entire range of skills (no, we do not mean THOSE skills) that your SAITOU unit has acquired.

Aside from being one of the best swordsmen in Japan, he is also an expert in the art of street-fighting. If you’ve never learnt to swim, get him to coach you. Anyone who can swim across a harbour in full uniform, reach his destination in under five minutes without losing his breath and still demand a duel is more than qualified.

WARNING: While not as rabidly jealous as the YUKISHIRO ENISHI unit, owners should be aware that their SAITOU unit, like the wolf he is, can be extremely possessive about what he considers his property, namely you. This is especially so if owners have triggered the LOVE MACHINE function. While our company will not be responsible for any stalked, beheaded, slashed-right-down-middle, severed-in-half and pinned-to-the-wall husbands/partners, we have kindly suggested some answers to this potentially messy and bloody quandary.

All owners should:

A. Make sure that they have a separate home for their SAITOU unit. This will avoid any jealous confrontations in which your spouse/partner will come out the worse for wear. If they are still breathing, that is.

B. Under no circumstances allow your SAITOU unit to discover that you are having an affair with another unit. Your SAITOU is extremely stubborn with a very long memory and once he gets it into his head to eliminate his competition, there is nothing you can do. For the sake of health, happiness and public safety, please choose option A if you are indeed, snogging someone behind his back. Whole neighbourhoods have been reduced to rubble by SAITOU units thrashing it out with ENISHI units, KENSHIN units in BATTOUSAI mode, SHISHIO units and even the odd AOSHI unit. Again, our company will not be responsible for damage costs to either said units or for any demolished property.


**COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS**

With the exception of some units, your SAITOU should be able to live in reasonable peace with the rest (meaning that no lives and limbs will be lost. Egos are not guaranteed though). Below is a list that we have compiled for your benefit.

HIMURA KENSHIN:

Extreme caution is advised should you desire to let the KENSHIN unit interact with your SAITOU unit. Unless you happen to be one of those maniacs who enjoy bloodbaths, ensure that the KENSHIN unit is not in BATTOUSAI mode.

Should such an unfortunate event occur, quickly get hold of an OKUBO TOSHIMICHI and KAWAJI TOSHIYOSHI unit. It is very important that you get BOTH of them. While the KAWAJI unit may be able to stop the SAITOU and KENSHIN units from beating each other into bloody pulps, the presence of the OKUBO unit will end the fight, thus ensuring that your SAITOU does not get arrested for insubordination.
It is also advisable have a MEGUMI or GENZAI unit ready to deal with wounds ranging from deep gashes and bruises to loss of teeth. This is also your chance to renovate as the smashed walls, cracked floors and bloodstains really won’t give you much of a choice.

Aside from this, barring comments about how useless being a wanderer has rendered him, the occasional knock on the head to remind him to keep his cool and commenting on his poor familial relations, your SAITOU unit will largely ignore the KENSHIN unit unless there is a SHISHIO or ENISHI unit plotting nearby.

There is also a rumour circulating that it is possible to set KENSHIN and SAITOU units to slash mode. THIS IS ABOSULUTELY UNTRUE. Any attempt to engage said units in a sexual relationship of any kind will swiftly end in excruciating death, castration or seppuku.

If the yaoi fangirl in you demands a slash pairing for your SAITOU, you may try an OKITA SOUJI unit. Since the latter is his best friend, your SAITOU, should he reject any advances made, will be unlikely to do any damage to the OKITA unit. At the very most, he will tell the OKITA unit that the latter is not in any state for a relationship because of his tuberculosis.

There have also been attempts to initiate relationships with the SANOSUKE unit (for results, see below) and the SETA SOUJIROU unit. With regards to the latter, the main advantage here would be that should your SAITOU decide to reject the SOUJIROU unit’s advances, the SOUJIROU will be able to escape with his head intact.


SAGARA SANOSUKE:

Initial contact between the SAGARA SANOSUKE and SAITOU units will be painful and bloody. For the SANOSUKE unit, that is. Expect the SANOSUKE unit to insult the size and shape of your SAITOU’s eyes, as well as punch him in the face. While this behaviour may stir in you a desire to wring the SANOSUKE’s neck like the rooster he is, contain yourself. Your SAITOU will very calmly proceed to disparage the SANOSUKE’s skills and using a sword, ram him through a wall before knocking him out cold, which is incidentally, the best way revenge is served.

Several more beatings may follow since the SANOSUKE unit is an especially stubborn idiot, to quote your SAITOU unit. If you own the HORSE AND CARRIAGE SET, expect to find some holes in the roof. Tell the SANOSUKE unit very firmly that jumping and yelling on the roof while the carriage is in use is unacceptable. The next time he does this, you will strap him to said roof and let the SAITOU unit go for a joyride. That should solve your problem.

Once the roughhousing is out of the way, your SAITOU and SANOSUKE units should get along fine. Meaning, your SAITOU will occasionally taunt and use the SANOSUKE unit as a verbal punching bag, thus providing you with a never-ending source of entertaining amusement.

WARNING: There have been attempts made to initiate a slash pairing between the SANOSUKE and SAITOU units. Successful attempts have only come about because owners have painstakingly studied their units’ personalities and arranged convincing situations to induce romance. If you are not willing to undergo this arduous task, please do not consider this pairing. There is only one conclusion for sloppy matchmaking: It will end badly.


SHINOMORI AOSHI:

Interaction here depends on what mode the AOSHI unit is in. If the AOSHI unit is still in the SEEKING TITLE OF STRONGEST mode, expect him to quiz your SAITOU about the whereabouts of the KENSHIN unit. On the other hand, should the AOSHI unit be in MEDITATING ON SINS mode (also known informally amongst AOSHI critics as “Beating Myself Up”, “Human Paperweight”, “Buddha Boy” mode), expect your SAITOU unit to mock him about meditating. The AOSHI unit however, has considerable intelligence and will ignore this.

At one point or another, your SAITOU unit may boast about how his network is bigger than the AOSHI’s network. But since that is the truth, just let things be. In terms of a working relationship however, the SAITOU and AOSHI units are professionals and will form an extremely strong team.

NOTE: Should you be missing a KAORU unit or an ENISHI unit and are too tired to track him/her down again, simply buy or rent an AOSHI unit and have him cooperate with your SAITOU. They’ll find your KAORU or ENISHI in no time.


SHINSENGUMI THIRD UNIT:

While it is true that every owner should have their own loyal pack of Wolves, we must caution you that these units are only compatible with the MK I SAITOU unit. Due to a conflict in philosophies or simply a gross lack of understanding of your MK II SAITOU unit, it is highly likely that any encounters with the THIRD UNIT will end in a bloody brawl. Of course your SAITOU unit will emerge victorious but having to slaughter his former comrades is hardly the thing to put him in a good mood (not to mention a total and complete waste of your cash).

Therefore, it is highly advised that owners of the MK II SAITOU unit keep him somewhere else while they are out gallivanting with their pack. Or else, purchase the MK I SAITOU unit, set him and the THIRD UNIT on the neighbourhood undesirables and watch them lay down the law.

WARNING: Should you intend to do literal watching, remember to keep a distance. You don’t want to be caught in a rain of blood which will firstly, be very difficult to wash out and secondly, identify you as one of the culprits should the police come a-knocking.


TAKAGI TOKIO:

Due to the non-appearance of the TOKIO unit in the RK manga, we have had many varied requests for different versions of this unit. Please feel free to visit our website and select the kind of TOKIO unit you desire to purchase. We have everything from the HITTOKIRI model, the CROSSDRESSING/DISGUISED AS SHINSENGUMI model to even the GODDESS/SORCERESS model. We even have a limited collection of MARY SUE models which we guarantee, by virtue of the SUE programme, will be universally loved and pitied by every RK character. Yes, even Shishio. After all, there’s something about Mary.

A word of caution: Should you purchase his wife, your SAITOU unit will then experience conflicted loyalties between her and yourself. Unless you wish to breed from your SAITOU, we see no need for you to bring the competition home.

If it is a question of keeping him happy, do not worry. There are many ways of accomplishing this and they include bathtub privileges with you, playing games like “Crime and Punishment” (a game that is rather popular with ENISHI owners), “Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf” and the evergreen “Cops and Robbers”.

Should you run out of ideas, please visit our website at DominatrixDreams.com. Aside from our bestselling catalogues such as Metallic Mania, Furry Fantasies and Luscious leather, and our edible range, we have also added a costume range called Vamps ‘R Us. Those in need of nurse uniforms to match the “Medicine Peddler” outfit, Red Riding Hood and policewomen costumes are more than welcome to place their orders (the latter is highly recommended by our group of scientists and researchers after extensive and exhaustive testing).


**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

Question: Based on what I have read from your manual, it seems that it is extremely difficult to initiate a slash pairing for my SAITOU unit. However, my neighbour has acquired a SETA SOUJIROU unit and my SAITOU unit spends the better part of the day staring at it. This worries me. Is my SAITOU having designs on the SOUJIROU unit?

Answer: We are pleased to inform you that your SAITOU is not having any designs on the SOUJIROU unit, unless he is already planning how to carve up that smiley face. It is safe to say that your neighbour has left their SOUJIROU unit in EMOTIONLESS ASSASSIN mode. Your SAITOU is merely trying to read the SOUJIROU’s ki, or rather the lack of it. Do not worry about any life and death fights; so long as he cannot read his enemy’s fighting spirit, your SAITOU will not rush headlong into battle. Eventually he will figure out the problem and leave the SOUJIROU alone.


Question: I have intercepted a letter from a KENSHIN unit to my SAITOU. It states that the KENSHIN would like to meet my SAITOU in a deserted field, at night, when the moon is full. This smacks of a midnight rendezvous. Worse, my SAITOU has not refused but simply walks around looking deep in thought. How do I rescue him from the clutches of that red-haired minx of a rurouni?

Answer: Before you jump to conclusions, take a deep breath and calm yourself. If you had read the RK manga series properly (meaning that you didn’t just open it to drool shamelessly over pictures of SAITOU), you would know that this is not an indecent proposal but simply about settling old scores. There is absolutely nothing to worry about. Your SAITOU is not interested in fighting a KENSHIN unit that has deleted its BATTOUSAI mode.

Remember to have plenty of cigarettes and ashtrays on hand to console him. If your SAITOU requires other means of comfort, be as accommodating as possible.


Question: My SAITOU is racking up a fantastic record for solving cases. However, my agency has been swamped with requests lately and I hardly ever get to see him anymore. Short of cutting back on the business aspect, is there anything else I can do?

Answer: Do what every great boss does: delegate. Since you are doing so well, it shouldn’t be a problem to buy/rent a CHOU unit. Make use of him to do the dirty work for your SAITOU so that your SAITOU can concentrate on the most important task at hand: You.


Question: My SAITOU is going around calling various people in the neighbourhood names such as “Tanuki”, “Weasel”, “Fox” and even “Rooster-head”. And I’m not just talking about the units! What can I do to make him stop before he annoys my neighbours?

Answer: Be very sweet about this. Tell your SAITOU that his creative talent is wasted on the ignorant masses. Instead, if he wants to think up nicknames, he should limit them to you. For every great one that he comes up with, you’ll give him a reward of his choice. If you don’t want him demanding unlimited excess to soba and sake, make sure he sees the handcuffs and police costume when they arrive at your home. The situation should automatically resolve itself.


**TROUBLESHOOTING**

Problem:
Ever since I purchased my SAITOU unit, I have noticed that my other units, namely the BRAD CRAWFORD unit (from Takatori Enterprises), my ANAKIN SKYWALKER MK II unit (from Sith Empire Unlimited) and my SHISHIO MAKOTO unit have been acting extremely uneasy. To make matters worse, I get home everyday from work to find parts of my house completely totalled. What is happening?

Solution: Quite the alternative fangirl, aren’t you? While we applaud you for daring to support evil in all its various hot and handsome forms, we must remind you that you did order one government spy whose motto in life is “Evil Swiftly Slain”. Or were you too busy shagging him to notice this?

As for your house, it is obvious that while you were out at work, your SAITOU was also working equally hard to kill your evil bishounen and Sith apprentice. Next time, please do your homework. Just because we catalogued him under the RK Bad Boys label doesn’t mean he endorses evil.

There is only one solution here: You have to give up either your SAITOU or your collection of evil hotties because they will never be able to coexist. In the event that you should decide to return your SAITOU, send him back to us at the address that was printed on the box he arrived in. To save on posting costs, do not bother to pack his clothes.


Problem:
My SAITOU is coming home everyday with his sword broken and his belt missing. He refuses to tell me where he has been and I am getting tired of having to stock up on his accessories. What can I do to stop this?

Solution: You may want to make enquires as to who in your neighbourhood has purchased a KENSHIN unit that has yet to delete its BATTOUSAI mode. Once this has been done, rent/buy a SOUJIROU unit, arm it with a Nagasone Kotetsu and send it to your neighbour’s house. This will result in the KENSHIN unit’s sakabatou being cut in half and it will be quite some time before your neighbour will be able to purchase another since sakabatous are extremely rare. This should help you to save on accessories, and not to mention, get even.


Problem:
I brought back some alcohol one night and offered it to my SAITOU. While he refused at first, he eventually drank some at my insistence. To my horror, he became tipsy after the first cup, grabbed his sword and disappeared into the night. The next morning, I was told that some USUI, JIN’E, AKAMATSU and SHISHIO units were either destroyed or attacked. Exactly what did the alcohol do to my Wolf?

Solution: We apologise for omitting this small detail. We’re surprised however that your SAITOU did not mention that when he drinks, he feels the desire to kill excessively (and we are not making this up).

However, this doesn’t mean that you can’t give him any alcohol. There are advantages to wolves gone wild, if you get our drift. The next time you give him his choice of poison, make sure you lock him in a room with no windows and lots of air-conditioning after removing all sharp, pointy objects. He’ll need something to vent all that excessive energy so offer yourself as target practice. We’re extremely confident that come morning, you’ll never think of the Gatotsu in the same way again.

Problem:
As my spouse insisted that I go away with him for the weekend, I agreed to lend my SAITOU unit to a friend. To my horror, when I returned, he greeted me by spouting poetry, acting incredibly sweet and even bought me a puppy! He’s also promised me that he will not harass the neighbour’s KENSHIN unit as the latter is “a good man”. It’s like living through an invasion of the body-snatchers. I want my old SAITOU back!

Solution: We strongly caution that you make sure you know who your friends are before putting your SAITOU in their hands/clutches. Different owners have different preferences. Some owners have been known to tinker with their SAITOU’s programming, thus resulting in a radical difference from his original state of mind and personality.

To solve your problem, we will send you Nobuhiro Watsuki Interpretation (NWI) chip. This should enable you to re-programme your SAITOU and return him back to the character that you know and love. Needless to say (but we’ll say it anyway): Do not ever lend him to that friend again.


**FINAL NOTE**
While he may be bitingly sarcastic at times and hard to please, your SAITOU will remain absolutely loyal and loving (in his own very understated way) for the rest of his days. SAITOU units have a lifespan of up to 72 years so remember to make the most of the time you have together.