The Darkness in My Heart

Title: The Darkness in My Heart that My True Love Does Not See
Author: JadeHeart
Archived: Found on CLAMPesque Board. If anyone else would like it, please ask me first!
Fandom: X/1999 (anime & manga)
Rating: R
Warnings: reference to sex, including with minors; prostitution; potential adultery; death; murder; general angst (I think that’s all!)
Timeline: Throughout the series.
Characters: Karen, Subaru, Yuto, Aiko, Kamui, Satsuki, Yuzuriha, Kusanagi, Beast, Arashi, Sorata, Kakyo
Feedback: Yes, please – if you like.

Summary: Musings that reveal some dark thoughts.

Author’s Notes: I hope that readers can pick which segment belongs to whom. I think they are all pretty self explanatory to anyone who is familiar with the characters.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this, they are all CLAMP’s, nor am I making any profits from this.

She doesn’t know.

She doesn’t know of the divorce papers filed. She doesn’t even know about me. Who I really am. What I am. What I can do.

She doesn’t know that I’m a Dragon of Heaven. Or what the future may hold. I haven’t told her any of it.

What would she think if she knew all the secrets I have been keeping from her all this time? Would she understand why I have, or would this betrayal be too much to bear?

I love her. I truly do. From the time we met, back when I was a struggling young editor. She was beautiful. She made me laugh. I fell in love.

I love our daughter. She is the sun that brightens my day. The hope for the future. That is why I fight. That is why I will stand at the Final Battle. Or for as long as I can in these End of Days. I will not give up.

She doesn’t know.

She doesn’t know that I find her breath-taking. She thinks I am a loving husband and father. She thinks I’m a nice man. She doesn’t know the feelings I habour for her. She is a colleague, a fellow Dragon of Heaven. We will fight side by side. We have already. When she drugged me and took my place, I was terrified. I thought I had lost her.

I remember when we first met. I had forced myself to concentrate so hard on my research so as not to look at the vision before me. I tried to ignore the scent of musk that hung around her. She was lovely. She had a beautiful face. She was so graceful, and her eyes sparkled with laughter, and were full of kindness White flawless skin, her scantily clad body exciting me beyond belief.

When she had leant towards me, she had mistaken my flushed face for embarrassment. She didn’t realise it was pure carnal desire. I wanted her. Completely, utterly. I don’t want to lose her. Not now. But I can’t tell her.

So she doesn’t know.

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He doesn’t know. He’s so kind, so good, such a wonderful man. I’ve watched him often. His warmness, his kindness, his comforting presence when with the younger Dragons of Heaven. My heart aches to be with him. I don’t want him to come to harm.

But he truly doesn’t know me. He doesn’t seem to think why I still work in a bathhouse. Why I haven’t left.

I had been alone since my mother died. I had already seen the darkness of humanity. I learnt there was more. Being young didn’t save you. There were predators everywhere. Even those that were called ‘father’, who were supposed to take care of you. I had many foster families. Until the last. The police never found the cause of the fire that swept through the house. It was a terrible tragedy. The whole family killed. There was only one survivor.

Me.

I learnt I had some value then. There was money to be made from me, what I could offer. Someone was supposed to take care of me, look after me. But there was also greed and brutality. No-one missed that one. There wasn’t enough left of him in the charred remains to have been easily identified.

That was my life. Until I arrived at ‘Flower’. And I met him.

A sweet man, doing research of all things. I found that truly delightful. I couldn’t remember the last time a man had been in my room to just talk. And when I propositioned him, he had actually blushed.

Back then, I hadn’t known I would see him again. But I did. We were both Dragons of Heaven . How amazing. He was powerful, truly a Master. And he seemed glad to see me again. To work with me.

He hasn’t ever looked down on me. Even though he knows what I do. But he doesn’t know that I’ve killed, and more than once. He doesn’t realise that I chose my profession, not just because of necessity, but because I like it. He doesn’t realise I stay because I can lose myself in the false embraces, false smiles, fake passion.

Because I can’t have the real thing. Because I can’t have him.

He truly doesn’t know.

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Want 10011 Her 01101 Him 01100 Them 01001 He wants 11110 Can’t have 0000 Wont let 0110101 Fight 110110101 Help him 000011 She wants 10011 Wants him 11100111 Wont 011001 Wont help 011 Not anymore 101 Not his 110011 Can’t have 00011 He can’t have 111011 Blood 00110 Destruction 11000 Kill 011 Death 10011 Gone 00011 He’s gone 11110011 She wants 01100011 Wants to go 0000011 Go to him 1100011 Can’t 00011 Wont let 10011 Wont let her 110011 Not to him 00001001 Never to him 011101 Mine 10011 Always 000011 Forever 0011…..CONNECTION TERMINATED

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Does he know?

Does he know my secrets? Has Kanoe told him? Possibly. Probably. Who knows? Kanoe does as she wishes.

If he knows, what would he think? Would it bother him to know I had killed? Killed my father because I didn’t want to do as he wanted? Would he understand?

I’ve killed others also. In the lab when I finally escaped. Would have killed again, there in that building basement. Would have, if he hadn’t come. Why had he come?

It is so hard to read him. I don’t like dealing with people. I don’t understand them. They are not logical.

But his touch is warm. His hand, resting on my back, touches something inside me. I don’t know what, but I feel different. Odd.

Did he know that I have wondered what it would be like to bring him into my cyber world, so he would be with me always? He would then be mine, and mine alone. There would be no way Kanoe could have him again. She would not be able to take him from my world, for she has no way of entering it.

If he was in my world I could delve into his mind whenever I wished. I would be able to interact with him completely. The thought was intoxicating. I knew how to act in my world. It was just this one that I didn’t understand.

However, if his mind was within my world, his body would eventually rot. He would not be able to continue to survive in this world. He would not be able to exist in both worlds as I do. Therefore, his mortal remains would waste away. That would be a pity. He had a nice body. I had noticed this, and was beginning to appreciate it more each time, after each touch.

But I still wish he was in my world. There always, every time I entered. Then he would truly be mine.

Does he know?

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He doesn’t know.

He thinks that I am something I am not. Yes, I have been trained for this. Yes, I chose to eat. But he doesn’t understand that to decide to remain alive, does not mean the same as to ‘live’.

Yes, I had remained alive. I had trained as required. I had come as needed. I was doing everything as was requested of me. I would do my duty.

But then he came along.

I don’t understand him. I don’t understand his attitude. Or why he has chosen me. Yes, I was concerned for him when he was injured. But he doesn’t understand that I felt such guilt. Because he was injured protecting me.

I truly don’t care if I live or die, but he had been harmed trying to protect me. I didn’t want that guilt, didn’t want that responsibility lain on my shoulders. He was being very unfair in forcing me to accept such a thing.

I didn’t stop him when he took me to his bed. Didn’t stop him because I felt so guilty, and it was all I could offer as atonement, trying to absolve my own feelings of guilt and denial. He doesn’t understand that all I was offering was my body. There is nothing in my heart.

He will never know.

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She doesn’t know me.

I deliberately act lightly, foolishly, deliberately aggravating her. She just gets annoyed, she just thinks I’m so completely love struck and silly. She doesn’t see the fear inside.

I’ve known I was destined to die since I was about nine years old. No-one seems to understand or think just how hard that must have been. Do you know what it is like? To be so young, enjoying life, feeling invincible, believing the future is stretched out before you. I had dreams for that future.

It was hard enough to find out that I was to be a Dragon of Heaven, and to be part of the Final Battle for the fate of the world. That was pretty heavy. But it hadn’t been completely fatalistic, because the fate of the world hadn’t been decided at that time. Wouldn’t be decided until the End of Days. And that was far in the future at that point.

I had been really relived to hear the Stargazer tell me that I wouldn’t die for Kamui. When I heard that, I thought everything was okay. That I would be okay. I was wrong.

My heart had felt like it was stopped in my chest when the old man said that I would die. That I would die for a woman. I had to grow up with that dark cloud hanging over my head. When I was told it was time to leave Mt Koya, I was scared. I was only nineteen! And the days of the Final Battle were already beginning.

When I met her, I thought she was beautiful. She was so calm, poised, collected. Everything I wasn’t. I chose her because of that. And I wanted to make as much of it as I could. So I pushed her, pushed the limits to see how far I could go. And I hid from her all my fears and doubts.

When I took her to my bed, I revelled in the feel of her body. She truly was beautiful. And I wanted to make certain this really was a special moment. And, selfishly, I wanted that for myself, more than for her.

She thinks I love her.

She doesn’t know.

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My life is pointless.

No, that’s not entirely true. There is a point to it. I want to die.

But it’s not that easy. It’s funny in a way. Nothing in my life has been easy. Not being head of the Sumeragi clan at age sixteen, not my work, not anything.

No, nothing in my life has been easy. Not even death. For I have one stipulation to my wish.

Hokuto would understand, I think. Though then again, perhaps not. She had lived life so fully, almost larger than life sometimes. So would she understand my single minded search for death?

It doesn’t matter now anyway. She’s no longer here. I lost her long ago. My family wouldn’t understand. They would be shocked at my desire, wouldn’t be able to get their heads around why I would want such a thing. That’s because they don’t know. Don’t know what I feel.

The only person likely to understand would be him. Not because he would ever entertain such thoughts, and understand where they come from. He doesn’t pursue death as I do. He deals it out. Swiftly, surely, mercilessly.

Did he enjoy playing with us, with his victims? From all I know now of the Sakurazukamori, that trait only seemed to come out in his dealings with me. Perhaps I had provided him some amusement during that year.

He thinks I want to kill him. He really has no idea. He’ll never understand. Death for him is just a job. Death for me will be a final release. I will finally find some peace. At his hands.

No, he really doesn’t know.

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She doesn’t know.

She’s so young, so innocent. Her bright, cheerful personality bubbles out. Her smile lights up her young, fresh face with joy in a way that makes you want to smile with her.

She’s so open in her thoughts and feelings. How else could she say she loved me? She doesn’t know, doesn’t realise that as a member of the SDF, I am a killer. I was trained to kill. Had killed.

She doesn’t know I’m a Dragon of Earth. That I was destined to play my part in the final destruction of this world. She doesn’t know that my destiny was to kill her and everything else.

Ironic, isn’t it? I was prepared to try and kill our Kamui when he had tried to harm her. Yet what would have been the point? Save her that day, only to kill her on the Final Day?

She has no idea of what type of man I really am. It would have been much better if she had never me. Perhaps it would have been kinder to just have let her die in that battle, the battle where she had lost Inuki. Let her die with her spirit dog, and save her the pain to come.

Too late now. I had stepped in and saved her, tried to comfort her. Now she would have to face the time to come.

And she doesn’t know my other thoughts. What I had been thinking, feeling as I held her small battered body in my arms. I had been excited. That first time, when she had flung herself into my arms, later when she had professed her love, I had felt my body burn. I had wanted to take her. She would be gone soon, and I would have lost my chance.

That was pretty sick. I wanted to have sex with an underage girl. But it would have been the only opportunity I would have had before the Final Day.

But I didn’t act on it. But I never stopped thinking about it. Wishing for it, wanting it. I thought it in the darkness of the night, imagining the feel of her in my arms, the touch of her skin.

No, she didn’t know what I was really like.

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He doesn’t know what I would do.

I would do everything I could. Not for the world, not for the future of the Earth, of mankind. I had to do it for me, for him. I wanted him back. I needed him back. I had already lost Kotori. He was all I had left in this world.

The others were here and, yes, I had come to like them. Even care about them. I was grateful to them. Especially Subaru. That man had risked a lot for me, showed me so much. And it was that which had brought me back, made me find the will to return. For the pain that Subaru had felt, and was still feeling, was the same as mine. And that conflicted love Subaru was seeking, that I, too, could relate to.

I hadn’t known really what I had wanted. Not until it was gone, taken from me. Not just taken from me, but replaced. Would he accept me? Could he accept my feelings? I didn’t know.

It had been so long since we had seen each other. We had just been children back then, too young to understand these feelings. And we had parted in a swirl of pain, death and tears. And my return had been heralded by death as well. The death of my mother, and then his father. So many other events had been happening, and we had had no time for ‘us’.

Would he be shocked by my feelings? What would I do if he refused me? What would he think of me if he knew that I would let the world burn in Hell, if it would just bring him back? He doesn’t know just how far I could go for him. I would do anything. Anything for him.

He doesn’t know.

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She doesn’t know.

She didn’t know the fate that awaited her, what was to come. I knew. I had seen it in my dreams. I knew that it didn’t matter if I told her of it. It would change nothing.

I had pulled her into my dreams. I was lonely, so lonely. I desperately wanted some sort of contact, contact that was denied me. But I hadn’t expected someone like her. Dreamseers tended to be such mild personalities – so calm, serene, quiet. She was nothing like that. She swept into my blank, dark dream and…. teased me. I had been so surprise. She had taken me from my darkness and into her dream. It was so bright, so beautiful – just like her.

I couldn’t tell her I had seen her. Seen her covered in blood, seen her die. I had seen her going to her death. I didn’t know why. That wasn’t revealed to me. I simply saw the end result.

So I said nothing. Simply savouring every meeting we had. Always in dreams, never in reality. Whilst I waited for the fulfilment of my dream, the loss to come. I never told her.

So she never knew.

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She doesn’t know.

She doesn’t understand about people, about people’s emotions. Why they do things. I’m not sure about such things myself.

I like her. I think I like her better than Kanoe. Does she realise that my liaison with Kanoe is meaningless? Or does she think there is something more there, something deeper?

She should know me better. I go with the flow, taking things as they come, nothing more.

I shared Kanoe’s bed. I would bed her until sweat clung to our bodies, until muscles shook with exhaustion, nerves singing with our final release. Kanoe would then lie back and slip into an exhausted sleep. A sleep in which she walked the dreams of her Dreamseer sister, like a dark shadow.

I would get up, shower, and clean off the evidence of our sexual activity. For that is all it was. Simply an act. Enjoyable enough, yes, and I got my release, but it was more a way for Kanoe to make herself tired enough to slip into others dreams more easily.

After bathing, I would change into my silk pyjamas, lying back on the bed and getting some sleep. But I never had any desire to remain in that bed, next to a woman I felt nothing for. At least felt nothing stronger than in accepting that these circumstances were amusing enough to keep me for a time. Because of that, I would frequently rise far earlier than Kanoe and make some tea. I found it a soothing activity. It never bothered Kanoe. None of it did.

But I think I was looking for something else to put in my life. A change. I needed something else to amuse me. Perhaps that is why I found her so interesting.

She was definitely very different from anyone I had ever met. And watching the computer wires twine around her body and embed themselves in her young flesh, I often wondered what it would be like to bury myself in that body also.

We both didn’t like to be bored. Didn’t like to be tied down to anything, not of our own making. We were surprisingly similar in some ways. But she was so difficult to read.

Would she think my answer was right? Was it wrong to kill humans because someone would cry? Was that right? Would she cry? I didn’t know. I wasn’t a Dragon of Earth because I wanted to kill anyone really. I was just following what my destiny had laid out for me, nothing more. Perhaps there was something wrong with me. Perhaps I should have felt something for what I was doing. But I didn’t.

She doesn’t know how shallow I am. I really wasn’t capable of feeling anything very deeply. My emotions ebb and flow like the tide, appearing sometimes like a trickle of water, and disappearing as swiftly. She did everything so deeply, so intensely. Just as she gave herself so fully to the embrace of her Beast. She doesn’t know I am like a hollow vessel, waiting to be filled. Perhaps she can fill it. Perhaps not. Perhaps I am looking to her for salvation. As a way to prove that I am human.

She doesn’t know.

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He doesn’t know what is inside me.

He thinks I’m just a young girl. But I am more than that. I’m also a Dragon of Heaven.

He doesn’t know that to have been chosen for this role. I would have had to have had the strength of will to kill, if I needed to. Yes, as a Dragon of Heaven I wanted to protect. But to protect, I had to be prepared to kill. Not just anyone can do that.

He doesn’t realise that I had thought about killing before. When I was very young and being teased so much. When I had felt so alone, ostracised because no-one else could see Inuki. I had hated those children. I had hated them for what they said to me. Hated them with all the passion of my six year old heart. So I knew about hate. I knew about death. I’m not as pure and innocent as he thinks.

Yes, I am young, younger than him, but my heart is not so clean. And he doesn’t know what other thoughts I have. Those thoughts also aren’t pure or innocent. I may be only 14 years old, but I’m old enough to know full well what happens between and man and a woman. I know about sex. I may not have done it yet, but the feelings I have for him, the thoughts that burn through my mind and set my body on fire, are not those of a child. They are not pure or innocent or chaste. They are dirty, sordid, hot and I wanted them. I wanted them with him.

He doesn’t know about that. He doesn’t yet know about me.

~End~