Illusions of Life

Important disclaimer: I have jacked these characters from their rightful owner in order to live vicariously through them. They do not belong to me in any way, shape or form. Nor do I make any money off of them.

EiriXShu

NC17 but not until chapter 10 (sorry.)

If you have time, please review.

Illusions of Life

Chapter One - Save it for Later


Two dozen other dirty lovers,
Must be a sucker for it.
Cry, cry, but I don’t need my mother,
Just hold my hand while I come…to a decision on it
Sooner or later your legs give way,
You hit the ground.
Save it for later,
Don’t run away and let me down
Sooner or later you hit the deck
You’ll get found out
Save it for later,
Don’t run away and let me down.
You let me down.

Two dozen other stupid reasons
Why we should suffer for this.
Don’t bother trying to explain then,
Just hold my hand while I come…to a decision on it.
Sooner or later your legs give way,
You hit the ground.
Save it for later,
Don’t run away and let me down
Sooner or later you hit the deck
You’ll get found out
Save it for later,
Don’t run away and let me down.
You let me down.
You run away , run away
and let me down.


New York

The pounding on the door wouldn’t stop. Why wouldn’t it stop? I sat up suddenly, my head clearing and my neck aching. I had fallen asleep at my computer again and I knew my body would make me pay for my folly with neck and shoulder pain for the next few days. I stood up gingerly, working out some kinks as the pounding continued, “All right!! All right, I’m coming!!” I shouted in English as I stumbled to the door. Lousy, loud Americans. After all this time, it seemed that I never would get used to some things.

I opened the door and tried to shut it again but a .44 caliber gun was aimed at my head so I thought better of it. It was Bad Luck’s psycho manager, K. Behind him stood the sniveling, hand-wringer Sakano.

“Yuki-san,” K purred at me, “a moment of your time, please,” it was not a request.

I turned and walked to my living room, grabbing my cigarettes and staring out at the Manhattan skyline. I left the door open, I figured that was invitation enough for the two idiots. The phone rang. Hmm, what perfect timing, I thought. I answered it, hoping to draw out a conversation and be as rude as possible to my unwanted guests, “What?”

“Eiri-san, good.” Tohma crooned from the other end, “Have K and Sakano-san arrived yet?”

My eyes flickered to them and suddenly I was very interested what these three combined might have to say. Had to be about that idiot, Shuichi. My stomach clenched, maybe it was bad news. “Yes, they just burst into my home. What’s going on?”

There was a long pause, “Please Eiri-san, I think you should listed to what they have to say,” he hung up.

My heart starting beating wildly. I stared at the phone and then at the two invaders, “What the hell is going on?”

“Yuki-san,” K started slowly, “when was the last time you spoke with Shuichi?”

I shrugged and took a drag off my smoke, trying my best not to let my fear show, “I don’t know. A month, maybe six weeks.”

Sakano and K looked at each other and nodded.

“Was it…” K searched for a word, “unpleasant?”

I thought about that…

Five weeks earlier:

After about four hundred rings my temper finally snapped and I grabbed the phone, “What?!!”

“Um, it’s me,” a small voice trembled on the line.

“How the fuck did you get this number?” I snarled. So far I had changed my phone number four times. He had managed to get it every time. It looked like change number five was on it’s way. “What are you, a freaking stalker?”

“Look Eiri,” the voice gathered strength, “I just need to know one thing. Did you ever care for me? Even a little?”

I couldn’t answer him. How could I? He had saved me. He had sacrificed everything for me. All I had given him in return was pain. The best thing I could do for him was to let him go, push him to get on with his life.

“Eiri? Please, just answer. I won’t bother you again, I promise, but I need to know.”

I closed my eyes and steeled myself, “No, you blind idiot. If I had cared I’d still be with you. Just how stupid are you?”

“Blind. Idiot. Stupid.” he whispered back to me.

I wanted to take back the words but it was too late. He’d already hung up.

It turned out, Shuichi was true to his words, I didn’t have to change my phone number because he never called again.


“Yuki-san?” Sakano asked quietly, bringing me back to the here and now, “Yuki-san, we have a problem and we need your help.”

I shook my head, “If it’s about Shuichi, believe me when I say he’s much better off without me. I can’t help you.”

K laughed and threw down a file folder of newspaper clippings in front of me, “Better off? Maybe you should see these.”

I looked at him but then sorted through the pile of newsprint. I was shocked. True, most were tabloids, and not the best place to get your information from…but still. They were all about Shuichi. Shuichi and his “multitude” of lovers. Arrests for racing on motorcycles. Hospitalized for injuries resulting from crazy stunts. Wild parties.

“What the hell?” I whispered as I slumped into the nearest chair staring at the articles. This wasn’t Shuichi.

“Yes,” K agreed with me “what the hell? He’s completely out of control. He was getting pretty wild anyway, but about a month ago he just lost any sense of discretion. At first, I just figured his, er… wild actions were just a way of getting you out of his system. I mean, we’ve all been on the rebound trail one time or another. And when you are one of the most sought out pop stars in Japan, finding willing partners is easy. But lately it’s more then just sleeping around…”

I fought a bout of nausea. Willing partners. Out of control. Wild parties. Sleeping around. And racing? God lord, who would allow Shuichi to have a license? If even one tenth of what was written was true, what happened to that innocent, wide-eyed boy? Where was Shuichi?

“What do you want me to do about it?” I asked, “Shuichi and I aren’t a couple anymore.”

K studied me, “So, you still think that leaving him was better for him? Did you read any of that tabloid crap in front of you? We’ve even managed to cover up a bunch of indiscretions. Luckily, Tohma has an enormous amount of pull, but even he is out of options. NG is about to drop Bad Luck if we can’t get Shuichi under control.”

I lit another cigarette, “Again, what do you want me to do about it?”

“Yuki-san,” Sakano said quietly, “we can make it worth your while.”

I raised my eyebrows, “So, are you are offering me money to play nice with Shuichi?”

“We are rather desperate at this point, Yuki-san,” he lowered his eyes.

“Well, fuck you, Sakano!!” I hissed. “Has anyone simply tried to talk to the idiot? Or is that idea over your simple minded heads?”

K shook his head, “He won’t talk to any of us.”

“What about Nakano?” I was beginning to get a bad feeling.

Sakano sighed and leaned his head against the wall, “Not even him. Or Sakuma-san.”

Well now… this was bad. I thought about Shuichi and his relationship with both Nakano and Sakuma. What would drive him away from those two? I looked at the articles again, what would drive him to this? I looked at a photo that had the idiot sprawled out on a gravel road, a destroyed Ducati motorcycle resting near him, while paramedics stood over him. Was he trying to kill himself? The next picture showed a disheveled Shuichi with one arm wrapped intimately around a stunning young man, in his other hand he held an opened bottle of whiskey. A surge of unwelcomed jealously welled up inside me.

I chewed my lip, carefully weighing my feelings. Would he even talk to me after everything that I had said and done to him? The truth was, I really wanted to see him. I wanted to help him if I could. After all, I owed him.

I sighed. I was sure I would regret this, “All right. I’ll go, but not for you. And not for Tohma. Now, get out.”

They both turned to leave, before the door closed completely, K popped his head back in, “Oh, and Yuki-san?”

I glared at him.

“I’d try to stay clear of Hiro-kun, if I were you. He’s pretty bitter about you.”

Like that was a news flash.


Tatsuha met me at the airport, borrowing Mika’s car to pick me up. I hadn’t seen him for almost a year. He still looked too much like me for his own good, but now he was older and taller.

“Aniki!!” he was clearly glad to see me.

“Tatsuha,” I nearly smiled. I was genuinely glad to see him.

“Mizuki got you this really sweet flat not to far from your old place. You’ll love it.” He winked at me.

“And how long will you be staying with me?” I sighed in surrender.

“Oh, I figured all the trouble I’ve been through for you was worth a good week.”

“Huh,” I lit a cigarette, happy to be back in Japan where smoking was not considered a moral outrage. “Do you know if I have the option to stay on with the lease?”

“Why would or wouldn’t you?” he asked with curiosity.

“I’m tired of America. It’s too noisy. Everyone freaks out when you smoke.”

Tatsuha laughed, “It wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain singer would it?”

I glared at him, “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

“Well, brother,” his laughter disappeared, “if you have come to help Shuichi find his way again, I wish you all the luck. You’ll need it. He’s like a … a …”

“…wild animal, so I’ve heard. Tatsuha, what happened to him?” I asked with all seriousness.

Lighting up his own cigarette he stopped and met my eyes, “Stardom and a broken heart, brother, make a very potent poison.”

And didn’t I know it. Fuck.



I had fallen asleep on the couch again. Someone was pounding at my door. Why wouldn’t they go away?

Wait…not in America anymore. Who would…

The door burst open and a wild, very, very angry Nakano Hiroshi came through the wreckage. I leapt to my feet, anger and confusion surging through me, “What do you think you are doin…” I didn’t get to finish the sentence before his fist connected with my jaw and the force of the blow tumbled me over the back of the couch.

“You son of a bitch!!” he screamed at me, “How dare you even consider stepping one foot in Japan after what you’ve done.”

Fuck, that hurt, I thought as I shook my head trying to clear my vision, “Nakano.” I started to stand and he stalked towards me. Crap, was bigger than he used to be?

“What are you doing here?!!” he demanded, closing the distance, winding up for another pitch.

There was a blur in my peripheral vision and suddenly Nakano was pinned on the ground by his lunatic, gun-toting manager, “Hiro, you need to chill, buddy,” K managed to say while grappling with the insane guitar player.

“Fuck that!!” Hiro snarled, trying to wrench himself free, “This time, I’m gonna kill that fucker!!”

K punched the struggling Nakano in the stomach, subduing him momentarily, “I told you, he doesn’t know. He’s here to help!” They were both breathing heavily from their struggle.

“How can he help? He caused it in the first place!!”

K sat on Hiro’s stomach and began to loosen his hold on the musician. K’s fingers gently brushed the hair out of Hiro’s eyes, “we don’t know what caused Shuichi to change. I think it was a lot of things, Hiro-kun. You know that. You can’t blame it all on Yuki-san.”

“But…” Hiro’s voice caught, “but if it wasn’t him how will we ever get Shuichi back?”

I was stunned as I watched the ever stalwart Nakano emotionally crumple in front of me. Whatever was happening with Shuichi, it was enough to send the mild mannered, even-tempered Hiro over the edge.

I wanted a cigarette. I rubbed my jaw and winced, “Looks like we need to talk. You want some tea?”

Five minutes later I was in the kitchen and the tea kettle was beginning to whistle when I heard additional voices in my newly redecorated, open air living room.

“Wow, Kumaguro is impressed! Who did this?”

Great. Another nut bar to add to the mix of already insane people currently occupying my apartment.

“Be careful, Ryu-chan, you’ll get slivers.”

And the mind-control freak, Tohma. Perfect.

Only moments later, as if the whole thing had been planned, Sakano and Fujiski showed up. Imagine my surprise. I sighed but resigned myself to hearing them out. What I’d been able to find out so far was that Shuichi was completely out of control. Drugs, alcohol, reckless behavior, and lots of sexual partners. He sounded a little like… well, maybe that train of thought could be derailed for a little longer.

I set out the tea pot and six cups, after I made my own tea. I figured they could pour the stuff themselves since they had all been so rude about coming into my house. No one spoke for a while as they sorted who got what and got settled.

K looked around, “Well, it looks like everyone is here. As you all know, we have a serious problem with Shuichi.”

Fujisaki snorted, “You got that right.”

K ignored him, “So my question is what can we do to get him on track again?”

All six of them turned and looked at me.

I was leaning up against the kitchen counter and glared back at them, “Have any of you considered that I have not been a part of Shuichi’s life for over a year? I don’t even know him any more.”

“Nor do any of us,” Hiro said softly.

I sighed and sat down on the long sectional sofa that held most everyone else, “Maybe I need to know what you’re up against. None of you can talk to him? Not even you Nakano? Or you Sakuma?”

Hiro and Ryuichi looked at one another guiltily and then shook their heads. Hmmm, what was going on there?

“Nakano? What’s the deal?” I rubbed my sore jaw, hoping he wouldn’t come after me again.

Nakano’s hair fell over his face and he didn’t answer but Ryuichi did. And not as the crazy, childlike Ryu-chan but as Sakuma Ryuichi, the confident singer of one of the most popular bands in Japan. “I think Hiro-kun and I are partially to blame as well.”

No one in the room looked surprised. But no one spoke either. After a few moments I made eye contact with Ryuichi and said, “You are partially to blame because…a little help here, I have been out of the loop.”

Ryuichi met my stare, “Shu-chan was pretty devastated when the two of you split. He was lost. I can only speak for myself in this, but I wanted to…help him. I wanted to ease his pain. I wanted…to be his boyfriend.”

Jealousy flared in me and I was momentarily at a loss for words from his frank confession. I knew how Hiro felt about Shuichi, but I had never known this. Well, not openly. I had always been suspicious of anyone that got close to Shuichi. It was a failing on my part that I was always so, shall we say, possessive of him. “So,” I had to clear my throat to say the next thing, “you became lovers?”

Ryuichi smiled but there was no humor in it, “No. Not lovers.”

I felt a part of me unclench.

“More like fuck-buddies,” he blurted out, and I felt my heart spasm with what? Jealousy? Envy? Loss?

Ryuichi continued, “There was no love on Shuichi’s side. I think he just slept with me out of a feeling of obligation. I thought we were, you know, just having fun, but it has very neatly destroyed our friendship.”

“Fuck,” I whispered. I considered what that would do to Shuichi. Destruction of the feelings he had for his “god” would not have been a good thing. I was afraid to ask, but the curiosity was rampant in me now, through clenched teeth I finally said, “Hiro? Is your story similar?”

He couldn’t answer me because he was crying too hard. Adult Ryuichi wrapped his arms around Hiro and answered for him, “We were both trying to “help” at the same time. We didn’t know about each other, Shuichi never said anything. We figured it out about a month ago, when he refused to see either one of us.”

Fuck. Oh, gods…Shuichi all alone…

It was Tohma that painted the picture for everyone, “So, after Eiri left, the closest people to Shuichi both hit on him. Afraid that he would lose them as well, he never drew the lines that he needed to draw.”

Fujisaki finished, “He lost his lover, his best friend and his idol all at once. No wonder he won’t let anyone get close to him. It all makes sense now.”

The anger I had been working on keeping under control for the last 18 months blossomed within me. I stalked over to Nakano and pulled him to his feet, “You fuck!! You try to blame this all on me? You’re just as bad!!”

“Stop it, Yuki-san,” Ryuichi dislodged my hands from Hiro’s limp form, “there is enough blame for everyone. And you didn’t see Shuichi after you left. We did. It was awful. Horrible.”

No I didn’t. I could imagine though. And I’ve always known that Nakano loved Shuichi. Once I was gone, why wouldn’t he have taken a crack at the love of his life? To comfort and hold him, to be there when Yuki-the-bastard had left again? Why would I begrudge him that? How could I?

Now we knew what had happened, the colossal mess we had made of Shuichi’s life. No wonder he was out of control, he was trying his hardest to feel anything other than love or caring for others. Making sure he lived moment to moment so he did not have to wonder about an empty future or relive a shattered past. Keeping everything superficial and shallow, not caring if he lived or died, slowly becoming an empty shell. I was familiar with what he was doing because I’ve spent a large portion of my life doing the same thing.

Shuichi was living an illusion of life.

I rubbed my hand through my hair, sick with the thought of the ever happy Shuichi turned into a shadow of himself, “So, the three people Shuichi loved the most hurt and betrayed him. What can any of us do about it now?”

“I think,” Hiro started, his sobbing had subsided enough for him to get out the words, “you should see him, Yuki-san,” he leaned against Ryuichi, “he won’t see either of us. You are the only hope we have at this point.”

“We could force him into a confrontation. Like an intervention,” Fujisaki added.

Sakano shook his head, “He’s like a wild animal right now. I’m not sure that backing him into a corner would help.”

K stood up and sidled up to me, sliding his arm around my shoulder he said, “Well, right now we have a secret weapon. I think we should try it. It might shock him into reality.”

“Or, he might attack Eiri in a rage,” Tohma said quietly.

“It wouldn’t be the first time,” I admitted.

“Well, I’d watch out anyway,” Hiro mumbled, “he’s been taking martial arts lessons and his right cross is a whole lot better than mine.”

“You speak from experience?” Sakano asked.

The long-haired man nodded, “From more than one occasion.”

K nodded too, “Yeah, for a little guy, he packs quite the wallop now.”

I rubbed my sore jaw again in anticipation. Great. But then again, maybe I had it coming.


TBC

Lyrics from:
Save it for Later - English Beat