HOW DO I?

HOW DO I?


Disclaimer: I Don't Own Gravitation or any of it's characters--but I'd love to "borrow" Eiri for a while.......
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Chapter One--Discovery
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I watch helplessly as the machines methodically, rhythmically, repetitiously, unceasingly continued pumping oxygen into your non-functioning lungs; circulating your blood, forcing your unresponsive heart to continue beating.

"Why?" That softly spoken question escaped my lips. "Why did you do this to yourself, ....to me....to us?"

Unbidden and unwelcome, the lyrics of a song I heard earlier that day entered my mind, torturing me, pushing me to imagine how empty and meaningless my life would be if I lost you.

How do I,
Get through the night without you?
If I had to live without you,
What kind of life would that be?
Oh, I
I need you in my arms, need you to hold,
You're my world, my heart, my soul,
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything good in my life.

And tell me now
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you ever go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?


Without you,
There'd be no sun in my sky,
There would be no love in my life,
There'd be no world left for me.
And I,
Baby I don't know what I would do,
I'd be lost if I I lost you,
If you ever leave,
Baby you would take away everything real in my life.

And tell me now,
How do I live without you?
I want to know,
How do I breathe without you?
If you every go,
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I live?


Another flood of pain coursed through me as I replayed the scene I had stumbled upon only a few hours earlier.....

***Flashback***

I unlocked the door to "our" apartment, frowning as I realized there were no lights on, despite the deepening shadows creeping across the floor, the darkness dwelling in the corners of the over-sized living room. The silence was deafening; no TV, no radio, no Nittle Grasper CD playing. In fact, it reminded me of the way it used to be...before a hyper-active pink-haired singer forced his way into my solitary existence, demanding that I learn to live again. That emotional boy who shattered the barricades I had erected to protect myself, to hide behind.

So where was he? When I had talked to him earlier, he was finishing up at the recording studio. I had just written another novel, and was wrapping up a meeting with my editor and publisher. Feeling relieved now that the stress of completing the book was behind me, I asked my lover if he felt like going out for dinner. It had been weeks since we had been given the opportunity to spend any quality time together; weeks since we had the luxury of indulging ourselves.

Excitement and anticipation had colored his beautiful voice as he responded to my proposal with an enthusiastic "YES!!!" I smiled to myself as I envisioned him dancing around the studio, amusing Hiro with his antics, frightening his high-strung producer, Mr. Sakano, who would most likely faint at the overwhelming joy emanating from the flamboyant frontman.

I shook off those memories. Where was my precious baka? He should have been here by now. My writer's imagination momentarily took hold of me; against my will, I imagined several different scenarios, each one ending with my Shuichi being injured. I shook my head to clear out those negative musings. Reaching into my jacket pocket, I retrieved my cell phone and dialed Hiro's number. If anyone knew where he was, it would be his best friend.

"Hello?"


I cleared my throat, feeling slightly foolish. "It's Eiri. Is he with you?" I prayed that he would say yes. Please say yes.....

Confusion and concern were apparent in his response. "No, he left before me. He said he had to hurry home because you were doing something special tonight. Where are you?"

Panic began to set in. Oh no! Shu, where are you? "I'm at home. I got home a few minutes ago and it's obvious that he hasn't been here. He didn't say anything about stopping on his way home?"

The answer was swift. "No."

Without giving him time to say anything more, I broke the connection and shoved the phone into my pocket once more. Confused, concerned, and frightened, my eyes narrowed as I looked intently around the room, searching for something, anything, that would provide a clue to my lover's whereabouts. Wait a minute....the bedroom door is open. I distinctly remembered closing the wooden portal when I left for my meeting. A feeling of dread crept into my brain, its icy fingers spreading along my nerves, threatening to close off my breathing. I forced my feet to move, walking slowly towards the bedroom.

Flicking on the light, I bit back a horrified scream as I found my lover, my Shuichi, lying in a large puddle of blood. Falling to my knees, I gripped his body searching for any sign of life. His soft skin was so cold! Desperately, I placed my fingers against his slender neck frantically searching for a pulse. There it was; weak, thready, but still, there was life. Retrieving my cell phone, I called for an ambulance.

"Hang on Shuichi!" I pleaded. "The ambulance is on it's way." There was no movement from him. Oh God! His skin was so pale; his eyes closed; those beautiful expressive violet orbs hidden from me. Anxiously, frightened, I stripped off his bloody shirt, searching for the wounds. There was so much blood! Ripping off my jacket and my own shirt, I wiped away the red fluid, the crimson fluid so necessary for life, searching, seeking it's origin. Where was it coming from?

Seeing the large gaping wounds on his wrists, his arms, my mind rebelled in disbelief. No! My Shuichi would never do that! Yet it was obvious that these cuts were self-inflicted. The razor he had used, my razor, covered in blood, his blood, lying on the floor beneath his slender body.

I ripped the sleeves from my shirt, tying them tightly over those gaping cuts, frantically attempting to slow down the blood pouring from my lover. Horrified, I watched as the white silk slowly changed to a brilliant crimson color as the material absorbed more and more of Shuichi's blood. I had never felt so helpless as I did in that moment. Nor so alone. I sobbed with relief as three paramedics entered my apartment, unwillingly releasing my dying lover, praying that they would be able to save him.

The grim looks they exchanged frightened me; those glances telling me more vividly than words ever could, how precarious the situation was; how little hope they had in saving him. Placing his limp body on the stretcher, they hurried back to the elevator to the ambulance. "I'm coming too," I stated, the coldness in my golden eyes preventing them from arguing with me. Nodding, one of them slammed the doors shut, the second one placing an oxygen mask over his beautiful face, continuously monitoring his failing vitals. The third member of the team drove the vehicle, racing toward the hospital.

***Present Time***

I heard the door open, the soft tread of footsteps which stopped at my left side. But I didn't look away from my koibito's beautiful face, the paleness a testament to the copious amount of blood which had flowed from those damnable slices on his thin arms.

"I thought you could use this, Eiri," a cup of steaming coffee appearing before my eyes. Grateful, I accepted the offering, sipping at the hot liquid. Automatically, I reached for my cigarettes; I desperately needed the nicotine to help calm my frayed nerves. I sighed in frustration, realizing that I would have to leave my Shuichi alone in order to satisfy my own selfish desires.

A harsh laugh emerged from me; "Brat, you have pressured me for months to stop smoking; it looks like you win --- I can't smoke in the hospital, nor can I leave you alone -- what if you wake up and no one is here? That is unacceptable." I gripped the coffee tighter, trying vainly to still the trembling of my hands.

The gentle touch on my shoulder startled me; I had forgotten that I wasn't the only person present. "Eiri, I'll stay here with Shuichi while you go smoke." Wide blue eyes bore into my golden gaze. "You'll have plenty of time to give up that nasty habit once he wakes up." Insistent, the hand pulls at my shirt; willingly, I stand, the clarity of those azure depths convincing me that it will be okay for me to run outside and have a quick nicotine fix.

More grateful than I was willing to admit, I flashed a brief, yet heartfelt smile at the slender man. "Arigato, Ryuichi." I placed a gentle kiss on the silky hair of the irresistible boy who had changed my life, freed my soul and captured my heart. "I'll be back in a few minutes, Shu." I caressed his cheek. "Aishiteru."

Outside, my shaking hands fumbled with my lighter; after three attempts, success was mine. I finally managed to light the end of my "cancer stick"; the nicotine flowing into my lungs, the drug calming me as it was absorbed into my bloodstream.

Blood....so much blood. I closed my eyes in an effort to stave off the images of my dying koi. Again, I wondered, why? What was so horrible that Shuichi wanted death to take him?

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Okay... I know it's kind of short, but I had to stop there==I didn't want to combine chapters. The next chapter will be up in a few days--Please read and review.