To the Sunrise

Disclaimer: I don’t own Touda, or any other character of Yami no Matsuei, they rightfully belong to Matsushita-sensei, for whom I utterly adore in bringing these characters to life so that I can…do…horrible… things to.

This is an idea I’ve been stewing on for a few days, and have finally gotten around to attempting. I am dedicating this to my good friend who I met while playing as Touda, and he was Tsuzuki. This fic is more or less dedicated to him for the simple fact that he’s helped me indulge my insatiable craving for ToudaxTsuzuki luffins.

Note: This is going to be written in a first person view, from Touda’s perspective. This is also my first fanfic attempt, because I don’t think my normal RP’s counted!! XD So please bear with me.



Can anyone truly describe the feeling of a sunrise? The feeling you get when you see the first rays of Dawn’s light reaching over the edge of the horizon, her long slender fingers stretching across land and sea, forming over rocks and slipping between the trees? It seems nothing can hide from the rays of the sun, or from the feeling she brings when she breaks the twilight.

I remember a time when I wasn’t able to sit here atop the roofs of houses and watch the sunrise; bask in the warmth of its touch. It was, to be frank, the most suffocating part of my long and eternal existence. Many know that story here, know of the crimes I committed so long ago. I can clearly feel those memories as if it had only been experienced days ago. All that death, and my flames, of course, being at the very heart of all that destruction. Did I feel any remorse, or pity? No, of course not. Destruction is in my nature, its what I am…who I am… or at least, that’s all I had ever believed.

There is no doubt in my mind that it was right of SohRyu to have me locked away within the bowels of Tenkuu for my crimes, I never denied what I had done, and I know that my powers…my very being is a threat to the existence of our already fragile world. I did not utter a single word of complaint then, when they locked me away. And I remained so silent for countless numbers of years, years that I had no way of keeping track of, nor having any real desire to do so. But after some point, I began to feel the overwhelming suffocation of loneliness within those dank walls. Not the loneliness felt by those that had so many friends beforehand, no, I am much to cold for that, and I do not relish company. No, my loneliness was felt by the inability to be outside, to feel the cool air through my hair, to soar through the sky as I had done so many times before. Freedom…how I longed for it. And how I broke because of it, but I would never allow anyone to know of that. There was…only one who saw the truth in my eyes, and, to this day, though my eyes are covered by this obstructing black visor, I know only he can still see that truth.

It was because of him that I began to question myself, something I never even dreamed of doing beforehand, I was always complacent with my place in the world, I had no desire to change what I was, much less question my own nature. But then…I felt the touch of the sun on my skin again for the first time in ages, and I thought, just for an moment, is that *really* what I am? What I want to be?

Oh how you confuse me so…with your kind words, your gentle voice, and those deep violet eyes that speak troves of pain behind carefully placed smiles. You alone know me, inside and out, and I *too* know you. For in you, there is a part of me, the part that destroys everything it touches, that darkness that holds on to you tightly, chokes you, and threatens to consume your pure soul. Oh how I *know* you my master…because you are me, and I…I am you.

I remember the day you came to me, promising freedom with the only catch being that I play the part of your Shikigami. You thought that it was something so simple as that…but we both knew that the bond between Shinigami and shikigami is something so much more complicated than that…And SohRyu and all the others who argued with you against my freedom knew this too. I had to test you, and if you proved yourself to be worthy, then I would agree. And of course, all thought I would never agree to such a thing because of my nature. So reclusive, and cold, and…of course, lets not forget arrogant. Me….server a human…? Even one that is Immortal? Perhaps under different circumstances, things would have turned out much differently. If you had come to me while I was free, would I have accepted you?

An interesting question and one I have often brooded over many days atop these roofs while greeting the morning light. Would I have agreed to be yours if I had already been free, at first, the most obvious answer would have seemed to have been no. Of course not. But then, that’s something that everyone would have assumed because I am Touda, I am the Hellfire Snake. And as always, being a creature of evil, I would not settle for such an *obvious* insult to my godly status. I would have turned you away without hesitation…if not kill you outright for the insolence. But then…I wondered…would I have seen the same things in you there as I did when you came to me in the dungeon? Was the time and place that both of us were in the only reason why you had taken the actions you did? Would you have even bothered coming to me at all if I was free that whole time?

These questions…though I would never have given them any real passing thought before, I find that, I can’t seem to stop wondering about such things since meeting you. And…somehow, the thought of things being different because of that hypothetical situation really bothers me. I can’t explain it, not easily, and part of me finds such a feeling to be so ridiculous but…it really bothers me. It’s obvious. You’ve had such an affect on me, and though I may never admit it, it all really came down to that day you promised me freedom. I said yes, that much is obvious because I am here now, outside of Tenkuu with all of the restraining devices that I had to bear in order to gain such a ‘freedom’. But, in truth, I gave more that day than you or I could have known, and it took me awhile to realize what it was.

SohRyu and Suzaku will never believe that my loyalty to you is anything but real. They will always believe that I will turn on you someday, take your life and try to escape the bonds that were placed on me. And, to be honest, there was a time when I believed I might have done something like that…but that was a time long before I had ever met you. On that day…you gave so much to me, you gave and gave and gave, you even tried to give me things that both of us knew you had no right to. But…there is a saying that goes, ‘It’s the thought that counts’, and truly, at that moment, the thought really did count. More than you could have known, and certainly more than I could have ever been able to voice at that time. You found me when I was broken, and in one single action, you managed to fix me. How could I *not* give myself to you after such a sacrifice. And yes, it was a sacrifice, a sacrifice that you will never understand, but one that I will always remember.

I fell for you that day. I fell completely, but I had not yet known that. You see, how can a man not fall in love with the first rays of the morning sun when he’s not seen a sunrise in what felt like an eternity?
My nature was complicated on that day, I grew so confused, there were so many contradictions to what I had always believed, and what you were slowly forcing me to realize. It was because of the confusion that I always seemed so cold and sharp towards you. You complicate me in ways that I have such a hard time explaining, explaining to myself as much as to you. You alone know the heat of my flames, their power…and you alone know the passion that burns just as deeply behind my destructive fires. I burn for you, burn in ways I have never done for *anyone* in all my long life.

How does one explain the feeling of being able to breathe again for the first time when its felt like you have been suffocating for so long? By your words I live, by your command, I breathe…and its never felt so good before, never felt so… *right*. This is where I belong, I feel it now, I *know* it. My loyalty to you is beyond anything that mere words can describe, and with it, is something that is so unfamiliar to me as I am familiar with destruction itself. Love, this…thing, this idea, this concept, I find it so ironic that nothing in the world could truly harm me, or touch me in anyway that I would not want it to…and yet, this silly thing called love, this cruel master that burns me alive, and destroys me from the inside out, --destroys me--, I welcome it as I welcome each breath I have taken since being freed from my prison. I would give anything for you my love, my master…

And then that fateful day came. There in Kyoto. I had been feeling the bond between us shimmer and fade weeks before, that bond weakening with each passing moment that you became more and more depressed as that…that…fool of a doctor tormented you. Of course I wasn’t the only one of your shikigami that was feeling your pain, but…on that day, when you finally gave up, you knew that I was the only one who could give you what you really wanted at that time. The only one who was willing to give you what you wanted. You asked me to take your life that day, you were so tired, and I could plainly see that, you wanted so much to escape that torment, and in truth, I wanted to give you an escape. I asked you if you were sure this was what you wanted, and you said yes. All I wanted was to see you happy again, and most of all, I wanted to feel that bond between us always. But, taking your life, I knew that I would end that link, and so, on that same day, I planned to consume my own life within the black flames of Hell. We would go together, and you would be free, and in essence, so would I. It really wasn’t all that bad at the time, perhaps at another time I would have berated myself for showing such a weakness, but then…you changed my nature with your kindness…

However, though you asked me to kill you that day, the boy, that partner of yours, Hisoka, he convinced you to live again, and…though I was irritated by such an interruption in that private moment, I was also somewhat…relieved.

It took you months to recover, but then we both knew the price of you summoning me, and I knew that you were not angry with me for hurting you, because its what you wanted me to do at that time. And so, I did not feel any remorse for my actions, how could I? I was giving you what you wanted. But, of course, such an act was only going to further the distrust and hatred that was always shown to me here. Suzaku would have killed me, and did indeed try several times and…then there was SohRyu…well, that was a most unpleasant confrontation but, I don’t really like being around any of the others even when I haven’t done anything to earn their ire. Through all that arguing, and all the attacks on me, I could not help but smile privately inside, because though they condemned me for portraying the very thing that I had always believed myself to be, I knew that it was not the same, not anymore.

So much time has passed since that little event. And though I will never be trusted by any of the others for as long as I live, that idea simply has no importance in my life. I could care less if things never get better between me and your other shikigami, as long as I remain yours, I can survive. Our relationship has even grown into something far more than I think either of us could have imagined. You visit me often here, you share my bed, and we make love. I tell you I love you, even though we still have some issues between us. You know I will never be able to tell you everything; I will never be so open. But you know that I will always love you, and that I am yours completely, and that seems to be enough for both of us. I don’t feel any regret for my decision, nor will I ever, to be this free is something that I have always longed for. And it doesn’t bother me that I am not something you would call upon so quickly to aid you in your fights as you do with Byakko and Suzaku, or any of the others. If you truly need me, I know that you will call on me, and I will always come when you call.

---------------

Ah, see, there I’ve always had the knack for brooding so much that I never seem to notice when you come to visit me. And yet there you stood before me, your eyes sparkling, and what’s that? You’re offering me sweets, you know I don’t like sweets, but I will take one anyway, I always do, never have I really denied you any form of pleasure. You sat next to me on the roof, eating your sweets as I casually nibbled my own, your hand always finding a way to brush up against mine so softly, as if you were trying to make it look like an accident. I always find it amusing how you do things. You say one thing, and mean another, do one thing, and of course, there is always a deeper meaning behind it. Why can’t you just be blunt with me? Except you’re not. You want to talk about other things, fine I’ll play this game. I’ve played this game with you a thousand times already, but I will never stop so long as you want me to.

You speak of your days at work, how Hisoka is treating you, how everyone treats you, so poorly it would seem, and yet I know that that isn’t even half the story, but I know you want me to comfort you, to tell you that you’re too sweet and that no one should mistreat you.

You honestly think something like that is going to escape my lips? Honestly Tsu, you should know me better by now. My response is simply to call you an idiot, I just don’t understand you can let little insignificant details like that get to you. Oh…you caught that, and now you’re frowning at me, you read me so well, you know exactly how I am going to respond to every little trivial detail about your life that you feel the necessity to drop on me. And yet you still set yourself up, perhaps you hope for a different response each time that you try?

Yes, that’s it I can see it in your eyes. You want me to dote on you, to shower you with affection, take you into my arms and settle on a couch together and watch chick-flicks while we gorge ourselves on sweets. I tilt my head, and arch an eyebrow as I am always prone to do when you expect things from me that you know is not in my nature to give. I ask you if this is all that you came to GenSouKai for, to complain to me about your work, and you of course take that the wrong way.

I sigh.

Here we go again.

Everything that happened next, is more or less what seems to happen every time you come to visit me. Always with the intention of showing up without having an argument, or at least a one-sided argument as I honestly don’t see what the problem is…you came to spend time with me, so why not just do that? We both know where things will end. And I went so far as to say that much, and you of course, blushed, as if talking about such a thing was something entirely new.

Yes, every time you come here with the intent to see me we always fight because I am so cold, so insensitive, and yet, at the end of the day, we always end up in my bed, heads hidden almost completely by my blankets and fast asleep.

Like a movie stuck on repeat, you cry after we exchange a few sharp words, and I of course, apologize for being myself, as I always do when that seems to upset you. Does it bother me that I have to apologize for being me all the time? Not exactly, but it does get a little old, and so I sigh as I did every other time before, and I say, ‘What did you have in mind for today Tsu?’ and your response as always is, ‘I just wanted to spend some time with you.’

Hm…now, normally, most people would have been hit with a strong sense of guilt at that point, but, I seem to be detached from that part of my conscience. So I simply tilt my head and shrug saying, ‘So then spend time with me.’

As if it’s really that simple? Of course it is, you want to spend time with someone, then do it, don’t waste time on trivial things, if I wanted to know how your works been, I’d have asked. Does that mean that because I never seem to ask you how your works been, that I don’t care? Well…why don’t you try not telling me about your work right off and wait to see? To be honest, I see no reason to delve into your work life so long as someone isn’t trying to kill you. I think I’d be far more interested in what you plan on doing with me while you are here and now than hear about things that have already passed.

Silence passes between us for a long moment, then you sigh, stand and motion for me to get up as well. I do so, and for a good part of that day, I spend following your heels while you go to visit all the others. Do I enjoy the thought of being around Suzaku? No, not at all, the woman tries to kill me every chance she gets…but…then…you want me by your side. And so I bear it all, the insults, the…always missed tackles that seem to land on you and end with you getting hurt… all this and more. I don’t enjoy being around anyone else but you, but I grit my teeth and follow you as I always do, because you enjoy the other’s company and stubbornly wish my own at the same time.

I know what you are trying to do. You want to make me feel more comfortable around others, and you want them to see in me what you found. But they’ll never see that side of me Tsu. No matter how hard you try, they will never see me as anything more than Touda, the Hellfire Shikigami. It hurts you each time you try, and I can see that, but you still do it in hopes that the reaction may be different someday. Do I blame you for it? No, of course not, I have often entertained the idea of what things might be like for me if that part of me was revealed to everyone around me.

Would I be more easily accepted? Trusted even? But then, at what cost to myself? I have also often thought of what kind of person I would be if it was easier for me to be around people. Would I be a more pleasant person, or would I still be cold, but instead of being viewed as something negative, would that suddenly become a “cool” aspect of me? Would I find it easier to express my opinions without the fear of being blown off completely before I finish my statement….would I even *have* an opinion?

I look at you now, watching you carefully behind my visor and listening to every single word you say, even if you think I am not. Before loving you, I never thought it important to give my opinion unless it was asked for…hell, I didn’t even *think* of one until asked. And yet, when I am with you, I find myself constantly analyzing everything you do, and then…turning it around on myself, asking myself, how does this affect me, and more importantly of all, Why?

So it’s come to the point in our day together that we are alone, you’ve had your fill of friendly conversation with the others; conversations that you would like to have with me, but know that I am impartial to, and would more than likely shrug off.

You look at me with those eyes of yours and they silently ask me, ‘What is it you’re looking for? What do you want out of this day?’

What am I looking for? What do I want? If you could see my eyes then you’d know my thoughts, I would be exposed before you like a devout worshipper before his priest in confession. I am both grateful and irritated by the presence of this visor because of such things. What I look for is nothing more than what you want from me that I could easily give. Anything within my nature that you can bend safely to your desires, I give willingly. What I want…I just want to remain yours, I want renew that feeling of ownership you have over me like we do every time you come to visit…and likewise, I will get a part of you that belongs to me and only me in return. That’s what I want. That’s all I’ll ever really want.

We’ve made it to my room now, you make your way to my bed and sit on the edge, your hands coming to rest in your lap as they always do, and you sit upright and stare at me with those piercing eyes. Commanding me, and yet asking me at the same time. A rare smile spreads across my face. I know what you want, and I will not deny you that.

I close the door quietly, not even bothering to lock it, there is no need, for no one aside from my master ever comes to my room. To approach a snake while he lies within his own home is a very foolish thing to do, and knowing that the other shkikgami know that, I can find comfort in my time with Tsuzuki.

You return my smile, but yet again, you know nothing of my inner thoughts, let you think that that smile was meant for something more lewd. There will be plenty of other smiles that mean that in the time to come anyway.

You beckon me over to the bedside and I come to stand before you. You lean forward to wrap your arms around my waist and press your face into my stomach. I can feel your fingers running across my lower back, not quite touching my ass, but…I know that’s where you’d like to have your hands right at that moment.

I can sense your desire for me, I can smell it, and I find it so amusing, so of course, I chuckle, and that startles you, and you look up at me, your eyes questioning me. I simply shake my head and lean down to come face to face with you, my lips not quite touching yours, but close enough to feel both of our breaths on each other. We stare at each other for only a few moments, and then I give a deep purr, a sound I know you thoroughly enjoy and say in one of my huskiest voices, ‘Tell me what you want me to do to you…’

You shiver, I can tell my words alone are enough to set the flames alight inside of you. I seem to be very good at that, I can get you so wound up without really trying. I simply need to touch you in the right spot, or say the right things at the right time and I know you’ll belong to me. It seems very much like the spells you use to bind your shikigami to you then finally pull them into the material planes of Earth where you use us for you own purposes. My touch, my words, the promises of things that I could do to your body are enough to bind you to me without actually having to perform any of those things at all. And then, in such a vulnerable state, oh the things I could do to you..

If anyone knew what took place here, in my room, I am sure they would say that its all just an elaborate scheme to get you vulnerable so that I can hurt you…or even kill you. Would I do such a thing? I lift a hand, a hand that is sheathed in metal and ends in deadly points on each fingertip. I take such a point and run it along your cheek, just to see your reaction, and whats this? You close your eyes and shiver once more, oh yes, that must feel so good, I can tell. But don’t you know how much trust is needed for such a simple act as this, don’t you know how vulnerable you are before me? I trace that single death-promising claw along your throat now, barely touching the delicate skin so that it was sure to send goose bumps all over your body. I could kill you now, if I wanted to. But would *I* do something like that? Would *I* take such a sensual moment and turn it into something horrifying by slitting your throat here and now?

Another smile slides across my features, and your eyes flutter open to catch it. Once again you misunderstand everything I have been thinking up until this point. But that doesn’t matter, because I would never harm you, and you know that. You trust me completely…and that warms me. Now I smile for you, but you can’t tell the difference, and I remove these deadly claws, tossing them aside so that you can feel my fingers across your skin now.

You’re moaning softly now, and I enjoy that so much. I wish to hear more, I want to complicate you as you complicated me on that day that you came to free me. Pushing you down onto my bed is no effort on my part, you go easily, and undressing you is likewise just as simple. And now, as I was in the dungeons before you, you are bared before me. I run my hands slowly across every curve of your body, tracing every line, I can feel your heat, and that too will be mine soon enough.

Now it’s my turn to undress, I know how much you enjoy this part. You find my physical form intoxicating, and I know you like it when I give you time to get an eyeful of my body, and even touch as much of me as you like. Already you are sitting up in anticipation and I haven’t even taken off my shirt completely.

I can feel your fingers on my skin as I lift my shirt up over my head, those soft digits running along the contours of my body. It’s a very pleasant feeling and I let you know with a sultry purr, urging you on to what I know you really want to feel. And you of course don’t hesitate long. You relieve me of my belt and unzip my pants, slipping both pants and my underwear down my hips in one sudden movement. I chuckle, you’re always in such a hurry, but then…so am I in some cases…

A shiver passes through my body and I feel a moan escape my lips as you grab my already hardening erection, you take it in your hand and gently stroke me over and over. Mmm the things you do to me…a hiss escapes me, I’m really feeling it now and I need to release myself in you…but not quite yet, not yet. I pull your hand away, and you pout, not wanting to let go of me, but I reassure you with a smile as I push you onto your back. Slipping out of my clothing completely, I crawl into the bed and in between your legs, easily spreading them apart with a single hand. Leaning upwards to kiss you deeply, I don’t stay long, oh no, I have other plans. And so I make myself comfortable within a nest between your legs, I spread your legs even wider, exposing the tight hole between your supple cheeks, and I smile again, but of course you can’t see this smile.

I will taste you, taste all of you. And so I go in and gently lick across your entrance with my tongue, you always taste so fine when you make yourself so vulnerable to me. The moans escaping your lips are enough to keep me going, and I take you a little dipper, slipping inside your tight hole to lap up treasures that only a tongue like mine can enjoy. But soon you complain, you want to feel more.

More more more….always more. Very well, I nip along the inside of your thighs, and deposit a quick lick and suckle to your own erection which of course makes you moan oh so very deliciously. I pull myself up above you and wriggle my way between your legs, the tip of my cock already touching your entrance. You pull me down for a deep kiss, releasing me shortly afterwards, your eyes sparkling and pleading with me silently to fill you.

How could I ever deny you such a thing? I nip your jaw and press into you slowly, you wince, and as always, my mind suddenly becomes fearful that perhaps I may hurt you too much, but of course you reassure me before I could change my mind with a long moan that tells me to push all the way into you. Once inside of you I relax a little, moaning softly into your ear, letting you know that I am enjoying this as much as you are. But we both know that such courtesies are only short lived because instinct always takes over, and something far more feral becomes our love-making sessions. But, you seem to enjoy that very much, so I do not hesitate to begin pulling out almost to the tip before sliding back into you.

I continue this slow rhythm with you for as long as my rational mind can handle, the slow ministrations with which I fuck you are enough to grant me wonderful cries from your lips. But I want more, I want to mark you. I feel a part of myself release, and I know at that point its time to let instinct take over. Suddenly my thrusts become much more forceful, I slam into you to the hilt and pull out just as quickly. You cry out in ecstasy, and this of course only serves to drive me on. I can vaguely recall how violently the bed rocked as I made you mine, and you were loving every minute of it, urging me on with your delicious moans and verbal encouragements. Tch. As if I truly needed it.

My mind is suddenly focused now, one thought consumes me in this moment, a thought that makes me growl ferally, a growl that entices a moan from you. You.Are.Mine.

Yes, that’s it, that’s what this moment all builds up to as we rise together, as I feel my climax build to such a point that I know I can no longer hold, but I don’t want to release yet, not before you. So I slip my hand between us, where I find your soft hand already at work, stroking yourself off. I take over for you, stroking impossibly fast, and you arch into my grasp, moaning as loud as you can before finally releasing your seed all over my hand. The feel of you tightening up so much inside with your orgasm forces me to finally release my own deep inside of you. I ride my climax out, slowing inevitably before I finally collapse.

We lock eyes again, a very pleased smile spreading across your beautiful features and you thank me. My only viable response at the moment is to simple chuckle, my rational part not having regained full control yet. But somehow I manage to pull out and collapse next to you. You turn onto your side and curl up next to me, soaking up as much heat from my body as we both begin to rapidly cool from our exertion. And I figure, now that I can actually think again, now would be the best time to get under the covers. And so, after a momentary displacement, we find ourselves in my bed yet again at the end of the day.

Your eyes are getting heavier by the second as you look up at me, your head resting comfortably on my shoulder as I slowly stroke your hair. You tell me you love me, and that you want to stay like this forever, wishing that even though we can’t, you’d still like to at least be able to call me to you whenever you like.

I say nothing in return, my nature restraining my lips from ever voicing my real thoughts, so instead I simply ‘shh’ you to sleep. But in truth, what I would have liked to have said was:

“To the light, to my morning sun, the rays that warm my skin, I will always come when you call.”

~End