Tell Me Who's Sick

Tell Me Who’s Sick


“You’re fucking nuts.” I wanted to hit him, but I knew that’s what he wanted. He wanted to be punished by me and I wasn’t giving into his twisted needs. Instead I turned and walked out the door. Fuck him.

I took off towards the boardwalk, I needed to walk off my anger, and the ocean was one of my favorite places to do it. I used to walk in the park near our apartment, but that was his place, and today I wasn’t going there.

The sky was the kind of flawless blue that could make your heart ache so fierce that tears actually welled up in your eyes. It was deep and perfect enough to make me sad that I was wasting it. Wasting such a gorgeous day wallowing in hatred and self-pity, but once the salty breeze of the ocean pushed the hair out of my face I could breathe again. I needed to breathe. I needed to not hate him so fiercely before I went back. I didn’t want to hate anybody.

Stashing my shoes under the stairs running down to the beach, I rolled up the legs of my jeans and headed towards the surf. The beach was surprisingly empty on such a perfect day. Maybe today wasn’t that perfect for everyone else either. I wanted to be alone anyway. I needed to work things out.

I know that I’m fucked in the head to a certain extent. I’m a total masochist, I learned that the hard way, but even a hardcore masochist will get sick of being used all the time. Won’t they? Maybe I’m not that hardcore after all. Or maybe I’m just in training.

Yuki enjoyed how I was early in our relationship … insecure and afraid. I wasn’t afraid he’d hurt me physically, but he liked it when I was subservient, when I let him do whatever he wanted to for fear of losing him. He liked me submissive to his needs, quick to apologize, quick to roll over and just take it.

Thank you sir, may I have another?

Fuck that.

I’m not quite sure when things started to change. Maybe when I realized how fucked up he was - when I realized that the extents of his depravity had nothing to do with me. He was always testing my limits, testing the boundaries. He’d cheat and make sure I knew about it, push me away as hard as he could until he could feel safe that I’d come back. He’d made sure I was secured in his web – bound to him.

The first time he shared me with another man I’d gone with it. My sex life had started and ended with him, so I was willing to try new things. Fuck, I just wanted to make him happy. After the second time though, he realized that these other guy was taking a liking to me, so he put a stop to the three-ways. My body belonged to him, and he didn’t let me forget that. No matter the reason, I was so relieved, I hated being used – I hated that it had gotten him off watching someone else fuck me.

But the mind games were much worse. His mental illness primed him for dark and twisted ways to mess with me. To keep me on the edge – constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I’m an idiot – I waited – I wanted to believe his caring side was the real side, that if I loved him enough he’d reward me by showing his true self. I actually thought it was, and for a long time things had gotten better. Hell, things had been pretty damned good.

Fool.

I loved him, I still do, but I hate him too. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and start shooting heroin; it would be less dangerous.

This thought started me laughing; I could hear the near hysteria in the sound but figured it was better than crying. I stopped and hugged myself, suddenly realizing that I wasn’t alone on the beach. An elderly couple that had been walking towards me had just made a b-line for the boardwalk. Heh, and I was supposed to be the sane one.

Seeing other people brought me out of my fugue, and I looked down and to notice that my cuffed pants were soaked – the tide had been rising without my knowledge. It fucks with my head how quickly I can lose myself in thought lately, but then again I have a lot on my mind. I’m happy that my anger has faded to a dull throb. Now I can start thinking about what this is really all about.

So messed up.

Last night I came home to find Yuki, and his brother, sitting in the living room with a bottle of whiskey. It only took me a minute to realize that they’d switched to the big guns because they’d drank all the beer in the house. I must’ve interrupted some deep conversation, because they both had this … strange expression on their faces. Hell, they could’ve been talking about anything – their family is as fucked up as you can get.

I tried to bow out, apologizing for interrupting … I had figured I’d change my clothes and just head out. Go to Hiro’s. Go anywhere. I didn’t care, as long as I could go. I should’ve tried harder.

“Come here.” Yuki’s voice was surprisingly steady in light of the amount of alcohol that appeared to have been consumed. I wanted to tell him no and walk away, but it had been a command and I didn’t want to cause a scene in front of Tatsuha – Yuki was in one of his … moods.

I hate myself now for how I obediently moved to stand in front of him. Was I always this weak?

I saw Yuki shoot Tatsuha a look, but I chose not to think about it. If I had been a little more aware everything that happened may have been prevented. I wasn’t.

“Aren’t you going to give me a kiss?” Yuki asked, brushing his fingers across his mouth before pulling me down into his lap. I felt very self-conscious kissing Yuki like this in front of his brother – somewhat shocked with how Yuki was acting. He tasted funny on my tongue, and I realized too late he’d kissed me with something in his mouth. I tried to pull away, but he gripped me tightly, kissing me and forcing me to swallow.

“What did you just do?” I gasped, pulling away forcefully enough to fall off his lap onto the floor with a thump. “What did you give me?”

“A little something Tatsuha brought over to share.” Yuki glared at me, motioning for me to return to his lap. “Shouldn’t you thank him?”

I looked at Yuki in disbelief – what the fuck was wrong with him? But the expression on his face frightened me – I knew the look, I knew it well. I just wanted to get out of there, so I turned my attention to Tatsuha whose eyes were glazed and bloodshot.

“Thank you, Tatsuha.” I whispered, trying to figure out the game.

“You can do better than that Shuichi.” Yuki chastised, prodding me with his foot. “Come on the couch and thank Tatsuha properly.”

I couldn’t figure out the game, but it wouldn’t take long before the rules became evident. I tried to sit on the other side of Yuki, but he pulled me to sit between them. He grabbed my face to make me look at him, and smiled. “I think Tatsuha deserves a kiss for being so thoughtful.”

It’s futile to argue with Yuki when he’s like this, so I leaned over and kissed Tatsuha’s cheek. “Thank you.”

Before I could pull way Tatsuha had pulled me towards him and his lips were on mine. I could feel a hand on my back pushing me into it, and I realized it was Yuki. Slowly the game was becoming clear – this was a whole new low for Yuki.

So I kissed Tatsuha, letting him part my lips with his tongue. He tasted like booze, but under it I could taste something familiar… something musky and …

I pulled away and turned to Yuki wide eyed. “What have you been doing?”

“Spending some quality time with my little brother.” Yuki laughed and the sound made gooseflesh cover my arms. “And now you’re here …” He snaked his arms around me from behind and ran his hands up my shirt. My nipples were incredibly sensitive when he ran the tips of his fingers over them. I was starting to feel light-headed and pretty much figured out what they had given me.

The smart part of my brain – the strong part – wanted to tear away and walk out. But I wanted to believe that Yuki wasn’t capable of this – I wanted to stay and give him the benefit of the doubt that this wouldn’t happen.

In a small, dark recess of my mind I hoped that it would happen. I didn’t have it in me to fight anyway.

Yuki kissed the back of my neck, biting and sucking hard on the flesh to mark my body as his. I was covered with such marks, and I have to admit it usually turned me on when he did it. Now was no different.

“Kiss him again.” Yuki breathed in my ear while easing my shirt off. He was pressed behind me, and I could feel how he was getting into this – feel it pressing against my ass.

Tatsuha met me halfway, exploring my mouth with his tongue and ghosting his fingertips across the bare skin of my chest. He pulled away and leaned over my shoulder, and it only took me a second to realize he was kissing his brother. Again I was filled with contradictory emotions, but I couldn’t stop myself from turning my head and watching them kiss. They appeared comfortable with each other, and I couldn’t believe that I didn’t know this was happening behind my back. It was mind blowing.

I had trouble focusing once they both started on me. I have to admit that they weren’t the least bit selfish in their attentions. They teamed up and worked on my body, rendering me into a quivering mass. I have no recollection of being moved into the bedroom, just of opening my eyes at one point and finding myself there.

Despite being two years my junior, Tatsuha was skilled, and now I had to wonder how much had he learned from his brother. Or was it the other way around? Regardless, this was the first time Yuki had shared me with anyone and it had been about me – he had usually expected me to perform … to entertain. They were both selfless partners and it took me off guard.

I’d be lying if I even tried to convince myself that seeing the two of them in an embrace wasn’t a huge turn on. They complimented each other in an almost artistic way – the light and the dark – sharing the same genes making them too perfect next to each other. Yuki kept a watchful gaze on my expressions as they played, like he could only experience his own pleasure through my eyes.

I wasn’t thinking clearly. It took me too long to realize that this was planned, and when I did I was too swept up to be angry – but I didn’t realize the extent they wanted to share me. When Yuki penetrated me from behind I was slightly embarrassed to have Tatsuha watching so hungrily. Yuki pushed as deep as he could go before lying down on the bed and taking me with him, my back pressed against his chest. Before I could figure out what they were doing, or try to pull away, Tatsuha was hovering above me, his fingers sliding in where Yuki’s cock was seated and stretching me further. I had started to panic and I think I asked for them to stop, but now I can’t be sure. All I remember is Yuki’s voice in my ear, trying to be sooth me and get me to relax.

I’d never experienced pain so acute as when Tatsuha pushed his way in – both their cocks buried in my ass. But once they started moving it was a whole different story. They filled me so completely that it felt… incredible. And really, the thought of the two brother’s cocks rubbing against each other inside of me … I’m almost ashamed to admit what a kinky thrill it was.

I’m not sure when we all collapsed from exhaustion. At one point Tatsuha had slipped me another pill, and I don’t think I was the only one to take one. I know that each of them had fucked me individually before the night was through, and I’m pretty sure they had fucked each other – although I don’t have any concrete memory of it. Much of the night is fuzzy around the edges. I know that neither of them hurt me – intentionally anyway.

When I woke in the morning sandwiched between them I was overwhelmed. Sharing me with other men I could take, humiliating me for his own sick libido I could get over, but incest? I didn’t know about that one.

The sun was starting to set and I suddenly realized that I was about a mile from home. My pants were soaked and I was getting cold, so I turned around and started to head back. When I left Yuki had said I was overreacting. That I had no right to be freaked out … I didn’t know what to think anymore.

I walked through the door to find Tatsuha sitting in the kitchen drinking black coffee and staring at nothing. He looked self conscious, and part of me felt bad for him – another victim of Yuki Eiri’s demented twist on life. I was shivering with chill, and had no idea what I could say to him. I just averted my eyes, but couldn’t help the heat I felt rising to my face, remembering what we’d done the night before.

I made a b-line to the bathroom, stripping out of my wet clothes and starting the shower. I needed to warm up first, and then I could let myself think about things. I washed quickly, but couldn’t bring myself to shut off the water and get out. I just stood under the spray zoning out. I’m not sure when I ended up sitting on the floor, watching the water swirl down the drain. My hair was plastered to my face and the water was starting to get cold when Tatsuha’s voice pulled me out of the void.

“Are you okay?” He asked tentatively, sounding so unsure of himself, but also worried which kind of surprised me. Tatsuha could never bother to be overly concerned about anyone.

“I’m fine.” I answered, wishing I had it in me to be angry with him.

“He went looking for you, you know…”

Huh? He went looking for me? “Why?”

“He was worried that you were gone so long. I think he felt bad.”

“Good. He should feel bad.” I stood and turned off the water, the sudden silence in my head a bit frightening. I thought about asking Tatsuha to hand me a towel, but he’d seen me intimately and I just didn’t have the energy for modesty. I opened the shower curtain and reached for my towel. I heard Tatsuha gasp and I turned towards him, suddenly irritated.

“What?” I started toweling off my hair. “I’d think after all the ways you’d seen me last night seeing me naked wouldn’t be shocking.”

“My god Shuichi … did we do this to you?”

“Huh?” I looked down my body, the small bruises marking m torso and my thighs. “Not all of it.” Which was true, some of it was old – the bruises turning that sickly yellow. “Some of them were there already.”

I finished toweling off, trying to ignore how Tatsuha was looking at me, and wrapped the towel snuggly around my waist. “You mean you didn’t know about your brother’s … tastes?”

I didn’t wait for an answer; I just wanted to get dressed. I moved into the bedroom and pulled on warm dry clothes. Tatsuha hadn’t followed me and I was relieved to get dressed without an audience. What I wanted to do was crawl into bed, but I didn’t feel mean enough to leave Tatsuha like this. It was obvious he was feeling horribly and I was still so confused.

I found him on the couch, wrapped in a blanket staring at the black screen of the television.

“Does he hurt you?” Tatsuha’s voice was small, and I was starting to feel bad for him.

“No, he doesn’t hurt me.” How do you explain that you actually like being marked, being claimed – especially by someone who always acts like he could leave you at any moment. “Does he hurt you?”

Tatsuha shook his head. “It’s not like that.” He raised his head to look at me, and there was more emotion on his face than I’d ever seen him express. “Shuichi, I know he shouldn’t have kept things from you, that he … we shouldn’t have lied … I wish you could understand.”

“How can I understand if everyone treats me like I’m stupid?” I hadn’t meant to raise my voice, and made an effort to lower it. “I don’t understand why he insists on playing his twisted games with me. Why he can’t actually trust me enough to talk to me…”

“He wanted to.” Tatsuha shook his head. “He just didn’t know how.”

“Then you tell me. Make me understand why my lover of over 4 years has been fucking his brother behind my back?”

Tatsuha sat there for a long time before he spoke. I tried so hard to be patient because I knew it wasn’t easy for him, but I really wanted to shake him.

“Fuck it.” Tatsuha said with a sigh. “I’ll tell you and probably get my ass kicked. Sit down at least.” Tatsuha said exasperated, pushing over to give me room. I sat down and he twisted his body on the couch so he could look at me. I leaned back into the cushions and crossed my arms over my chest.

“I know he told you about New York, but there’s no way you could know what it was like when he came back. I was just a kid and couldn’t believe how fucked up he was.” Tatsuha clenched his hands into fists and took a deep breath. “My father wasn’t the least bit understanding, and Eiri just locked himself in his room. He didn’t eat – I don’t think he even slept. He was so incredibly alone, and everyone seemed relieved to have him out of the way, to not have to deal with him.”

Tatsuha cleared his throat, sadness choking him up as he remembered. I found myself softening more. “He ignored anyone who tried to talk to him, not that they tried hard. People would discuss him around me like I was invisible – I didn’t really understand but I knew the whole thing was a horrible embarrassment to them.”

“I couldn’t take how everyone was pretending he didn’t exist half the time, so I started going into his room. We used to be close before he left, but I was a little afraid of the person he was when he came back. I would go into his room and he’d be buried under his covers and I’d just sit with him. Sometimes I’d talk to him, and other times I’d just be there.”

Tatsuha looked at me, his eyes were glassy and I knew this was hard for him. Yuki had never really told me anything of substance – maybe if he had we’d be different people now. I wanted to say something, but I just sat silently and let Tatsuha talk.

“He was so alone and everyone treated him like he was contagious. I don’t know how long it went on like this. Days? Weeks? I was a kid and time was funny back then. Looking back I don’t know how he existed on just air and isolation. But one day I went in and sat by him and he started to cry. I remember being scared, but also relieved that he was still alive under there.”

He scrubbed his face with his hands and took a deep breath. I reached out and took his hand and held it. He looked at me and forced a small smile. “I wish you could’ve known him before. He would laugh and play … anyway, when I was really little we used to hide under the blankets together. Sometimes he’d tell me stories; sometimes we’d just look at our textured womb and be close. I don’t know what made me do it, but when he started crying I crawled under the blankets with him. He didn’t scream and tell me to leave, he held onto me like he was drowning.”

“I realized at some point that I was the first person to actually touch him since the rape. They all treated him like he was dirty – they wouldn’t even talk to him.” Tatsuha’s voice peaked with sudden anger.

“It took a long time for him to be able to leave his room. I’d sit with him everyday, and started sleeping in there with him at night. He’d been having nightmares and wasn’t sleeping, but would sleep better if I was there.”

Tatsuha shook his head, as if trying to clear away the memories. “It was actually me who suggested that we … explore. I was knee deep in hormones and he needed to feel…normal.”

I couldn’t keep my mouth shut any longer. “Normal?! He’s your brother.”

“Don’t you think we didn’t know it was wrong?!” Tatsuha ran his free hand through his hair, still hanging onto my hand with the other one. “We tried to stop. Eiri moved far away from me and started sleeping with anything and anyone willing to share his bed. But he was self destructing and I was afraid for him.”

Tatsuha squeezed my hand and actually smiled. “We did stop for a while, when he met you. I was happy for him, but part of me was so fucking jealous. But it was alright for a while.”

“They why? Why did you start again?”

“You’d go on tour and leave him alone. Eiri doesn’t do well with being alone.” Tatsuha rested his head on the back of the couch – he looked so tired. “He loves you Shuichi, and didn’t want to cheat on you. He… we figured that what we had wasn’t cheating, not really. What Eiri and I had … have, doesn’t take away from what you two have.”

“So it was alright that he was fucking you behind my back because he was keeping it in the family?” I spat. I was just so confused.

“Haven’t you been listening to me? He felt so guilty but he couldn’t be alone.”

I tried to pull my hand away but Tatsuha wouldn’t let me. I glared at him before giving up and closing my eyes. This was all too much to take in. I’m not heartless; I could feel the loneliness, the anger. I think it hurt more that he’d been lying to me than the fact that he’d been fucking his brother. The lie just made me feel stupid.

“Why didn’t he tell me?”

“He did. Or that’s what he was trying to do.”

I opened my eyes and looked at him in disbelief. “You guys are fucked in the head if you think that drugging me then double teaming me is telling me!”

“But it wasn’t supposed to happen like that! We’d been sitting and talking about telling you, the lies were eating him up. We started drinking, trying to figure out what to do, then things got … out of hand.”

“You think?” I snapped sarcastically. My head was reeling.

“Was it so bad?” Tatsuha asked in a small voice.

“Yes! No ... “ I wanted to scream! “I don’t know, I just wish I had more of a choice. I wish Eiri thought enough of me to just tell me the truth.”

I hadn’t heard him come in, and I had no idea how long he’d been standing there. “Now you know the truth.” Yuki’s voice was hoarse, startling me.

I turned and looked at him – he looked like shit. I wanted to hate him, but he looked so dejected it made my heart ache. “Is it the whole truth?” I asked, “How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough to know that Tatsuha told you everything.” Yuki stuffed his hands in his pockets.

“And?”

“And what?”

I pulled away from Tatsuha’s grip and moved to stand in front of Yuki. “So me knowing the truth should make it all okay? That you tricked me into fucking the two of you at once?”

“That wasn’t what we intended!” It didn’t take Yuki long to anger, and it was actually comforting to see his same old defense mechanisms kicking in.

“So what did you intend?”

“We were just going to talk to you about it. Then we got a little carried away.”

“Funny, Tatsuha said the same thing. You’re both fucked in the head!” I tried to walk around him, to get away, but he grabbed onto me and bear hugged me from behind.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered into my hair, refusing to let me go. Giving up I started to relax against him – resigned to my fate.

“You liked it though, didn’t you?” Yuki breathed into my ear. “It wasn’t all bad…”

I refused to answer, closing my eyes so I didn’t have to look at Tatsuha’s guiltily hopeful expression.

“Just tell me we can try to work it out.” Yuki asked, running his hand down my body and ghosting it over my crotch.

I nodded. I didn’t need heroin, Yuki was drug enough.