A Fishy Situation

A/N: I raise Celestial Eye and Bubble Eye goldfish and I happen to have two called Ken-chan and Yuuri-chan, so this crack!fic just naturally developed. And yes, I know it's full of shit, but that's what makes it funny. Everyone needs a little crack!

If you are curious to know what Bubble and Celestial eye goldfish look like, check them out with Google Images.

Enjoy!


A Fishy Situation


"And now, Heika, please recite to me the names of the previous Maohs in descending-"

"Gunter," Yuuri interrupted, "How long have you had those?" He pointed to a little ten gallon tank with two beautiful goldfish swimming happily inside.

Gunter, temporarily thrown off balance, beamed.

"Those, Heika, are my new pet project!" Yuuri cringed as Gunter's eyes lit up like flood lights and he clasped his hands together joyfully.

"Would you like to hear about them?" he asked Yuuri, gripping his shoulders. "You would? Oh Heika, they'll be thrilled to meet you!"

Yuuri was confused. "They're just goldfish."

The shock and horror of Yuuri's statement was captured in the shape of Gunter's mouth as it hung open.

"Just fish?" Heika, these are special goldfish. This one," he continued, indicating a beautiful, shiny, bright orange goldfish with two large fluid-filled sacks under its eyes, "this one is called Yuu-chan. It's a bubble eye goldfish. Say 'pleased to meet you', Yuu-chan!"

"Pleased to meet you, Yuu-chan," the Maoh said, bemused. The other Yuuri just mouthed at him wetly.

"No, Heika, I meant for Yuu-chan to say hello to you! And look, he did!" Overjoyed, Gunter wrapped the glass tank in a warm hug.

"Do I even want to know what the other fish's name is?" Yuuri said hesitantly, watching the fish carefully as though they might jump out and bite him.

Gunter sighed happily. "His name is Ken-chan," he said. "The foreign name just rolls off the tongue so beautifully, doesn't it?"

Yuuri closely examined the other fish. He was a gorgeous silver celestial eyed goldfish, his multi-coloured, bulging round eyes pointed permanently upward towards the sky. Yuuri had seen this variety before; Murata raised them at his house. When they were born, their eyes were just like normal fish, but as they got older, their eyes slowly rolled upward until the only direction they could look was up. This was why they were called celestials, and as a result, they had a very difficult time seeing.

"Okay, that makes some sense," Yuuri said slowly. "But why did you name your pets after me and Murata?"

Happy that his king was finally showing some true interest, Gunter's manic grin widened.

"You see, these two are the best, most perfect specimens of their varieties that I could find. What I'm trying to do," and here his voice lowered to a conspiratory level, "is produce the first Shin Makoku cross between the Bubble and the Celestial. Can you imagine a goldfish with eyes as beautiful as the celestial and cheeks as cute and fluffy as the bubble?"

Yuuri sighed. "You didn't answer my question."

"Well," Gunter reasoned, "I had to name the celestial eye Ken-chan because the poor thing sees about as well as Geika does. And I named the Bubble eye after you because you're so cute when your cheeks are puffed out from pouting about some injustice," Gunter was pinching Yuuri's cheeks. "Oh, Heika, you're so gentle and innocent..."

Gunter went on for a few minutes until Yuuri's voice interrupted his litany.

"Wait, you're mating them?" Yuuri squeaked. "But which one's the girl?"

The look of surprise in Gunter's eyes said it all. "Well Yuu-chan is, of course!"

"Me?" Yuuri shrieked. "Why do I have to be the girl?"

"Because when they mate, the male shoves himself hard into the female until the female releases her eggs so he can fertilize them. You're much too gentle to be a male."

Yuuri sighed. He wished he'd never asked.

"I think I need a break."

As Yuuri left the room, an insane smile warped Gunter's lips. And he went off to find Annissina.
******

"Ne, Murata?"

"Hmm?"

"Have you seen Gunter's new fish?"

Murata looked up from his book.

"Of course. I helped him prepare their tank and get them moved in safely."

"Okay, fish guru, did you know he has one named after you?"

Murata smiled. "He named the cuter one after you."

"Cute?" Yuuri shouted, "It looks like it's wearing testicles on it's head!"

"It can't possibly, Shibuya. Yuuri-chan is female."

He was hit was a pillow, a stuffed bear, and an alarm clock.

"Saa, Shibuya, don't be upset. It's just one of Gunter's whims."

"He's mating us together, Murata. Doesn't that disturb you?"

Murata squeezed the teddy bear he'd just been hit with. It squeaked. Must be Wolfram's.

"Don't take it so personally. In Shin Makoku tradition, it is usual for animal breeders to name their breeding specimens after actual demon couples who are in successful relationships.

"Also," Murata continued, "there is an older tradition which says that if an animal couple that bears the names of a demon couple is successful in breeding, the demon couple will remain together and be as fruitful as the animal couple was."

Seeing Yuuri's completely lost look, Murata added "But, that's simply the Shin Makoku equivalent of an old wives' tale. No body really believes that anymore."

"Hey," said Yuuri slowly, "does that mean Gunter's wanting us to...be together?"

Dropping the bear, Murata stood and went over to Yuuri, plopping down onto the bed beside him.

"It appears so," Murata said softly, his eyes holding just a hint of something dangerous, "and it would certainly be a shame to let Gunter down, now wouldn't it?"

Yuuri smirked and leaned in close to Murata, brushing his lips against the other boy's.

"A capital shame."

****

In the hallway outside Yuuri's door, Annissina yanked her eyes away from the keyhole and strode off at a ladylike run for Gunter's office.

"Gunter!"

Gunter looked up at Annissina as she stood in the doorway, an inquiring look on her face. His eyes were tearing. He pointed to the fish tank.

Annissina peered in. Sure enough, Ken-chan was shoving Yuu-chan against the side of the tank, almost rhythmically. The two watched as Yuu-chan finally spilled her eggs and Ken-chan went to work fertilizing them.

Annissina leaned up. "Well, that was easy. I think things might have been a little further along on Heika and Geika's end than we thought."

Gunter blew his nose loudly. "Just think, we'll soon have little Heikas and Geikas swimming around everywhere. Er, and maybe walking around too!"

****

"Ne, Murata?" Yuuri said sleepily, leaning over for another kiss, "it's a good thing I'm not actually a girl, or those fish could really have us up a creek, right?"

Murata leaned into the kiss, running his hand down Yuuri's naked, sweaty back.
"Mm, yes. But remember, Shibuya, you're still in Shin Makoku, and many of the most basic rules of Earth don't apply here..."

For a moment, Yuuri was absolutely still, frozen in time.

And then...

Annissina and Gunter dropped their celebratory drinks as a high pitched scream echoed throughout the castle.

And in their cozy little aquatic home, Ken-chan and Yuu-chan chased each other around the bowl, swimming together happily.