Easy to Break; Not so Easy to Fix

Was it easy to break me Yuki?

I’m sure, that somewhere deep in that ice cold heart of yours… you resented me. I was too foolish to not see that and caused myself to believe in a lie I made myself… of you loving me back. I swore, that in those rare moments you gave a smile, and embrace, a simple chaste kiss… that maybe you loved me. That you didn’t hate everything I ever was or will ever be; that you simply just loved me.

Loved me…

But you never loved me, did you Yuki? You loved to play with my emotions, to use my body for your own pleasures and then throw me back out into the dark, I swear, you’re sadistic Yuki, but I suppose it was my fault… because I stayed with you and let you do those things to me and I was selfish:

I wanted you to love me. To only look at me, see me and want me. I loved you Yuki, I really honestly did and I threw myself at you every whim, without second thoughts just like the whore you treat me ass, the one you made me into.

All because I loved you.

Was it that wrong Yuki? Was it so wrong to love you and crave to be loved back?

Was it too much?

Sometimes, I wonder why I’m still sitting on your couch, sleeping in your bed, living in you home… because nothing here is mine, it’s all yours… and I’m simply just a parasite living off of you… or that’s what I seem to you, right Yuki?

But now I hate myself.

I hate what I’ve become. I don’t know when it started, one day, I woke up. And Shuichi was dead. Instead it was just this outer shell of a dream, of a person so filled with life, of a singer who didn’t know what it was like to give up.

But I know now Yuki.

I gave up… on us.

On me.

On you.

I have no life. I have no dream. Because what do I do when the person that I live for doesn’t live for me… doesn’t love me back or even give a slight notice to my existence? When I hear those three simple words anywhere, I’m crushed because the reality of it never happening or being said to me sinks into my skin and registers in my brain.

Then again, it was never us Yuki, it was always just you and me. The romance novelist and the brat.

I’m not Shuichi anymore, I don’t know who or what I am… I’m just the creation you molded me into.

We’re complete strangers now, we don’t even talk. Not unless it’s when you yell at me. But that’s it. There’s no more cheerful welcoming to you house, no one calling you name, no one eagerly sitting by your door, waiting for you to go to bed, no one to say goodbye when you leave, no more warm smile made just for you.

Not like you cared.

Did you even notice?

I left Yuki, a week ago I left you… just to see… that maybe you would worry about me? I didn’t tell Hiro of my plan, even if he did deserve to know since I was once again back at his apartment… but I didn’t want him to worry about me, I just told him… that we had a fight, and I wanted some alone time… he didn’t question me, just opened his door and let me in with open arms.

But that entire week, I didn’t receive so much as a phone call, a graced moment of your presence, an acknowledgement to my existence. Another week passed and nothing.

So I, mustered up the strength to go back to your apartment complex… but I was only greeted with your cold stare and a suitcase of the remaining few items I left in you home.

“I was about to throw these out.”

So much malice. Do I disgust you Yuki? What’s wrong with me? Did I make you angry when I left without even a note?

“Take them and go, I have a meeting in 20 minutes. Hurry the hell up, you’re blocking the elevator.”

“I… I love you Yuki.” I whispered, even I couldn’t hear my own voice, I could see you straining to hear what I said and you lifted a brow in response. I willed myself to repeat it.

“I… I l-love you so much Yuki… y-you mean everything to me, I would do almost anything f-for you, just to hear you say that you l-love me back… d-do… you love, me… Yuki? Do you love m-me back?”

I stood, with hopeful eyes, that maybe you’ll take me back like you did so many other times, and maybe… just maybe this time, you’ll change? You looked at me, and I know you must’ve seen the desperation, the desperate cling to hope, to my last chance of happiness. My last thin string of sanity. Because Yuki, without you… I’m better off dead that being this empty shell.

“No.”

You didn’t even think twice before pushing your way past me to the elevator, and as the door closed you looked at me with the cold demeanor that I knew too well… after all, you looked at me the most with that expression.

Everything that built me, built Shuichi Shindou died at that moment when those doors had close, and I felt the world collapse under my feet. But… I should have expected this, I saw all the sign and I know… deep down that this would happen. I slid down onto my knees, clutching my chest and trying to calm myself.

I don’t know what happened, I couldn’t think, I could comprehend anything, couldn’t breath, couldn’t feel… I was numb to everything. And I felt the last bit of my sanity, the last clinging bit of Shindou snap, break, crumble, fall and burn. Now I truly was an empty shell of myself.

I guess…

This means that it’s all over now, right Yuki?

I do… sometimes, I think of ending this ‘life’ of mine, cause sometimes it gets too hard.

But I’m afraid. I really am.

But that’s all I am, I’m afraid, terrified. After you left me, I realized just how cold the world and fate could be to someone. I never… never wanted to take any chances, initiate a situation, because I’m afraid of hurting Yuki. But you managed to rip my heart out, crush it in you palms and still gaze down at me with that cold demeanor and it still hurts.

And i'm still alive. Curious. How could someone live when thier heart was ripped out right from thier chest?

That's what it felt like, but everytime i look down expecting to see a bloody nothingless of where my heart should have been... i don't see the pieces of my shatter heart sheering from the inside out. Makes me wonder... how long i could live like this.

I don’t want to hurt anymore.

But I guess you can’t get rid of this never healing scar in my heart.


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Remember Taki? He’s the lead vocalist for ASK.
He and Ma-kun came by the apartment the other day when Hiro wasn’t around. They thought it was amusing to see the once was Shuichi Shindou on the very edge of a nervous breakdown.

I was watching yet again another live concert of NG trying to ‘relax’ as K put it before our very own live. I didn’t notice when they came in… just when they appeared in front of me and leered down and the empty shell, they laughed… and I would wonder if you would’ve too Yuki… if you saw me.

Are you surprised that I haven’t had a complete break down yet, Yuki? Well I’m doing it for the band, not the thought of you coming back to me, cause I’ve long ago gave up on that. I’ve been doing that lately, giving up. And it gets easier each time I do.

They… took advantage of me, right inside Hiro’s apartment.

And I…

I didn’t do a damn thing to stop them.

Not a gasp of utter shock when they tore at my clothes, no scream or yell of refusal when they ripped me open, giving me the feeling of being ripped apart. I didn’t plead for them to stop as they repeatedly plunged into me, bleeding me raw. I didn’t cry when they released themselves in me, stinging my damaged insides. I didn’t move or try to run away, in fact I braced myself and allowed them to go deeper inside me.

To be honest, I enjoyed it. I embraced the pain.

At least someone wanted me… right?

I should have cleaned up, or left.

But I’m so clueless like that. Once the member’s of ASK were done with me, they tossed me aside like you did Yuki. It didn’t hurt though, in fact, I remember clearly what I said. And what they did.

“Again. Please… again.”

I was begging them to rape me again, but then again, I enjoyed it. So it wasn’t rape right?

But they looked at me, confused. And I loved it. Loved how baffled they were, how scared they were. I loved every moment.

They just silently exchanged glances at each other, and Ma-kun for a moment had a flicker of regret in his eyes, Taki was so confused it could’ve made me giggle in the sick satisfaction it gave me. But they didn’t stay, didn’t use me again. They left silently in their self loathing and failure of trying to break Shuichi Shindou. Then again you can’t break something that’s already broken.


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Hiro came home.
Oops.

I was still laying there, naked and bleeding onto the carpet. Sorry Hiro, I know blood and cum is hard to get off the floor, heh, heh, you looked so worried over me.

You couldn’t even look at me. And I was confused. I thought you saw me like this once before Hiro…

But when I looked at myself I understood why. Damn Ma-kun and Taki-chan were sadistic. I didn’t know the extent of what they really did, I was too lost in my fun and relieving world of pain to care.

I think my arm was dislocated, and there were so many cuts and bruises on my once flawless skin, hard to think it was once flawless and the hand-given nipple piecing was new, make me curious on exactly where I was when they gave it to me. Oh, and those hand shaped print on my hips, they looked like they hurt and would last. The nail marks driven down my back somewhat stung now that I registered it in my mind. No wonder you couldn’t look at me Hiro.

You called Tatsuha.

He came. And he called Ryu.

Ryu was lost with Kuma-chan in the subways system and he called Tohma.

Tohma didn’t care, he called K.


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K came over, cleaned me up with Hiro’s help and then placed me in the car with a god forsaken thick blanket around me. I didn’t want to go to the hospital though… I was fine with band aids and tissue.
I tried to smile, I think I did… or maybe it was my twisted version of one. Did that make me a masochist for liking this throbbing and numbing sensation?

And to my Surprise K smile back. Just what was he thinking to be able to smile back at me… after this? He started to mumbling in English. I recognized the words ‘stupid’ and ‘idiot.’ But it confused me on how he said with such relief.

I hate being confused. It scares me.

Scares me more than ever now.

I have to be sure of things, cause I don’t take chances of initiating remember. People take them for me. People initiate the situation first. I’ll just follow after.

“K… how can you smile?” I said, burying myself into that hot itchy blanket. But it made me feel secure I suppose.

“Cause I think I found a way to get the old Shuichi Shindou back.”

I could’ve laughed, could have. But I scoffed and shook my head instead. “No one can get the old Shindou back, because you can’t bring back someone from the dead K-san.” I sound so damn polite when I wanted to bite his head off at the mere mentioning of the old Shindou Shuichi. Somewhere, I hated that happy, joyous, ‘gatta find your spark’ brat.

“Yeah you can’t bring back the dead Shindou.” He had said it so seriously. I was confused again. And it made me furious to be confused.

“But you can fix something that broken, right Shindou-kun?”

I hate him, because I knew he was right. But maybe, just maybe… I didn’t want to be ‘fixed’.


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TBC?!


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And another fic brought to you by Enbi-chan!!!! Mwuhahaha, i like them angsty fics and to be honest i'm a fucking hyperactive person in real life. I just like them angsty fics. A lot. There's just one more Chapter left for this short little one and yes i know i should be continuing on my other fics... which i have been ignoring... a lot lately. That's what happens when Enbi-chan is one of the biggest procrastinators known alive!
Rate and REVIEW pwease. I'm ganna be mean and do one of those When reviews reach 15 i shall continue on with the next chapter kind of thing. Why? Because Enbi is very mean and cruel like that.

And as for new projects... i want to do an Gundam Wing AC. Good ol' Heero and Dou suicide fics are fun. But i love Dou too much to kill him off... Heero... eh not so much love for him. I love the pairing though.

Er... i was getting sidetracked. But yeah, hope you like this story and it's a K and Shuichi one this time. Why? Cause Enbi likes that long blonde haired, gun slinging, foul mouthed, american. WHOO.