Things to Dream

Title: Things to Dream
Author: Lauand
Beta: Purpleicicles
Pairing: Gojyo/Hakkai
Rating: NC-17
A/N: Written for the Saiyuki_time LJ community. The "Hey-Hakkainess" is pretty concealed in this one. Thank you very much to purpleicicles for the beta-reading.

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It was October, but Hakkai decided it was time for a spring clean. He was sure the name was just a convention, anyway. And he had never been excessively good regarding those.

He reserved the bedroom for the end and started with the kitchen. That was mainly his territory, so it was kept tidy and neat. He chose to throw away a burnt saucepan and some old rags, but otherwise, it was a fast affair.

Next, he attacked the bathroom. It was small, but one can always find corners to scrub in this kind of places. He undertook the task with passion. Empty gel bottles, used disposable razors and discarded, old toothbrushes met their end in the trash bin. Bleach was poured into the toilet and vinegar compresses applied to the stains of lime. The tiles were duly scrubbed. The mirror polished. The inside of the cupboard cleaned. The shower tap was dripping, but no matter what he tried, he couldn’t fix it.

Sighing, Hakkai wiped out his brow. Maybe he could skip the living room and start with the bedroom before Gojyo arrived and they had lunch. He could continue in the afternoon then, in the case that Gojyo decided to take a nap in bed.

Gojyo used to say that bedrooms were full of surprises. Hakkai had to inwardly agree as he found more lost socks than he even had suspected Gojyo owned. Hakkai smiled when he found the hidden stack of porn magazines. He flipped through the pages. Gojyo liked big breasts, it seemed. Emptying the entire drawer to clean it properly, he paused as he found a notebook. He hadn’t known Gojyo liked to write. Carefully, he took a look inside. Gojyo’s big, irregular handwriting peeked back at him. It looked like a diary of sorts, but there was no date to the entries.

“Whoa, last night I dreamt I could fly! Those are always my fave (well, I mean after the ones where I have sex, or feel like I’m having it. ‘Cause sometimes you aren’t having it, but the feeling is the same, and it’s great anyway). I mean, it was like being and eagle or some shit. Free. I could see the ground below me, the little people down there, the wind in my hair. That one I didn’t see, of course, but I could feel it. So nice… Then the scene suddenly changed and I was at the bar buying groceries. Which is weird, ‘cause in the bar they don’t sell them, but dreams are often like that. I woke up after that.”

Hakkai passed some pages. It wasn’t exactly a life’s journal. It was a dreams notebook. Gojyo wrote down what he dreamt. Who would have guessed.

“Yesterday, it was Jien. It’s been a long, long time since I last dreamt of him. In the dream I wasn’t a kid anymore and mom was alive, but he left anyways. I can’t remember much, only his figure against the light coming from the door. He looked back and said something I couldn’t hear. Then he walked away. That’s all. I thought I was old enough to stop dreaming shit. And today’s raining, I can hear the pit-pat on the roof as I write this. Great. Fucking great.”

Hakkai suddenly realized that maybe this was as intimate as an ordinary journal and he was trespassing. He shouldn’t be reading this. He shouldn’t…

“Mmmm… last night it was great. I dreamt of Ling-Ling. It’s a pity she’s going out with that idiot of Fa Xian now, ‘cause she was really good. In the dream, I had her face down on the mattress, all spread and eager for my cock. She’s so hot… in the dream even hotter. I don’t know how it started, but I clearly remember the thrusts, the mounting pleasure as I slid inside here again, and again, and again, and again… and every time I pushed inside her she would make those sweet, sexy mewls and she would shudder under me and thrust back. She was so slick and so tight and so hot… fuck, I’ve woken with a mess in my pants how I hadn’t had since I hit puberty. God, how I love those dreams, I can still hear her mewling moans and feel her heat. Stupid Fa Xian, he doesn’t know how lucky he is. Or well, maybe he does. What the fuck, I don’t care. This is the worst about writing shit; that I never know when to stop, and saying good-bye to myself is plainly stupid, so fuck it.”

Yes, most definitely, he shouldn’t be reading this. He flipped some pages quickly just to give the dream diary a last look before putting it back where he had found it when he suddenly glimpsed his name in it. He was convinced now that what he was doing was wrong; he had never disrespected Gojyo’s privacy liked this, but he couldn’t stop now, no when his name was written on those pages.

“Last night I dreamt of Hakkai. That’s not so strange, I dream of the people I know sooner or later. But it was not the kind of… I mean, it was a… well, it was a dirty dream. Kinda. More or less. Rather on the weird side, but definitely sensual. It was… as always, I don’t remember how it started, I think I was doing some shit in the bedroom (normal shit, looking in the closet for a shirt or something) and he entered the room. I didn’t see him, but I knew he was there. ‘Cause in dreams, you know that sort of stuff. So, well, I knew. And I turned back to him. And he’s looking at me with that intense gaze he has sometimes when he’s really focused, all bright eyes and half drawn eyebrows. I don’t know, just intense. Plus he wasn’t wearing a shit, which is weird in itself ‘cause Hakkai doesn’t like showing his belly. Not that I was looking at his belly, ‘cause he was gazing at me so hard that I could only stare back at him. Frozen. It was a while and without him moving, he was suddenly closer. Like a vampire or something (I saw in a movie that they can pull that kind of tricks). And then, he whispers ‘May I touch you?’ and I can’t really explain how his voice was or how the light was dim or why I thought so, but I suddenly felt that he was the most sensual being I had ever had in front of me. Which is ridiculous, ‘cause Hakkai has only two speeds, polite and psycho, but… who knows. Maybe that’s what he was like before Kanan. Or rather, with her. Who knows. And then… then I think I nodded (‘cause I’m a moron even in my own dreams and I’d forgotten how to speak), and then he took a step towards me and I kept on staring, kept on standing still and he slowly, slowly, as in slow motion, reached out and touched me. Nowhere embarrassing, mind you, just… just his fingers on my brow. My brow, ha, ha... Then, he gently caressed upwards to the roots of my hair and he got another step closer to reach farther still and to softly follow a lock with the pad of his fingers, barely there at all. His hand returned to the roots and stroked one of the funny bangs that stand out no matter how I comb, gel or cut them. I’ve tried everything to keep them in place, really, but they just have a fucking mind of their own. Anyway, the thing is that Hakkai strokes one, carefully, as if it was gonna break or something. Then he touches my face again. My brow. His fingers slide down my nose and then caress my cheek, the left one, gingerly thumbing my scars. All the while, he looks me in the eye. He follows the line of my jaw with his index finger and goes up the side of my chin to brush my lips. He stalls there, pressing against them gently, grazing them, feeling them. Before I can part my lips and let him in his fingers caress his way down my chin again and touch my neck, press lightly against my Adam apple, dip in the hollow of my throat, trace my collarbones… his hand opens and caresses fully my chest, then closes again and the back of his fingers touch my belly, then open once more and, well, they… they go slowly south to skim over my pants and finally, finally, they cup my groin. And the thing is that I can feel him, that I can sense the warmth of his palm against my crotch, I think I can still--”

The abrupt noise of the front door slamming shut startled Hakkai from his reading and suddenly, his heart tried madly to get out of his chest, beating like a wild thing. Quickly, as fast as his trembling fingers let him, he put the notebook back to the back of the drawer and placed precipitately the clothes that covered the journal on it.

Desperate, knowing he only had a couple of seconds left, he grabbed for the first think he saw and pretended to read.

“Hi,” Gojyo greeted him, entering the room.

“Hello, Gojyo,” Hakkai smiled, horribly conscious of the sweat on his palms, the heart pounding in his ears and the guilt written al over his face.

“Uhm,” Gojyo seemed nearly amused; he pointed to the porn magazine in Hakkai’s hands and commented, “you don’t have to read it, you know. I can come back later if you feel like--”

“Oh, no, no!” Hakkai interrupted him cheerfully, “I was just in the middle of a spring clean and I got... distracted.”

Smiling indulgently, Gojyo took off his jacket and threw it carelessly to the bed.

“Hakkai, we’re in October.”

A bit calmer, Hakkai managed a small smile and returned the magazines to the drawer they belonged to. He didn’t need to answer that.

“So…” taking a seat on the bed, next to where Hakkai was sitting on the floor, Gojyo inquired, “what’s for lunch?”

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He had tried. Really, he had tried. Very hard. But as he scrubbed with violence a completely clean and shiny pot, Hakkai realized he wasn’t going to take it out of his head… he had to know how that dream ended. He had to know what Gojyo had written afterwards. He had to know if he had been appalled or aroused. He just had to know.

Reaching his conclusion was like the signal his hands on autopilot needed to stop scrubbing and finally rinse the pot out.

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It was different when you planned a wrong deed out. The crime was the same, but being able to carry it out in cold blood made it far worse. Hakkai had resigned himself to going to Hell, but the perspective of betraying Gojyo’s trust scared him much more.

Carefully kneeling in front of the drawers, he took the clothes and the magazines out, digging for the dream notebook. Ears straining to be able to perceive any sign of Gojyo’s return, he searched for the entry he was interested in. Not knowing how much time he had, Hakkai’s eyes skimmed quickly over the sex description and fixed hungrily on the words after.

“…and the weird thing is that it’s not the first time I’ve dreamed of having sex with a man (God, I once dreamed of having sex with a sheep, I still shudder when I remember about it…), but this time, I mean, this is the first time I’ve wished that, I don’t know, that the dream came true. That Hakkai would get out of his… thing with his great, fantastic, incredible and dead woman and would look at me and asked if he could touch me. Hell, yeah, you can man. You could. ‘Cause Hakkai is…” There was a whole paragraph scratched after that. At least five lines of trying to define who or what Hakkai was were so heavily scratched that the characters weren’t recognizable anymore. Hakkai wasn’t sure how he felt about it. He resumed the reading when the scratching ended. Only a very short sentence was left in the entry, but somehow, it moved him deeply when he read it. As though it contained some intimate definitive truth about himself. Maybe it did. “Hakkai is Hakkai.”

He shut his eyes and closing the notebook, pressed it against his chest and he just breathed.

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The most difficult thing was deciding if he really wanted to do this or not. Once the mind was made up, the perfect moment had to be created and not waited for, but Hakkai had always been good at planning and scheming. He was sure he had been some kind of intriguer in a former life.

Hearing Gojyo’s rummaging in search of a shirt he was not going to find anytime soon (unless he came up with the idea of looking for it in the cupboard under the sink, but that was highly improbable), Hakkai entered the bedroom and started to unbutton his tunic, nervously, fingers shaking in anticipation and fear. Gojyo remained oblivious, upper half buried in the closet, long legs in jeans shifting as he searched deeper.

“What the fuck…”

Hakkai started, adrenaline making him twitchy and ordering his heart to beat deafeningly in his chest, but he soon realized that the muffled voice wasn’t referring to or addressing him; Gojyo just couldn’t understand where his shirts were gone to.

Too nervous to fold it properly, Hakkai left his tunic on the bed and got near Gojyo’s back. Near enough for the redhead to feel a presence behind him, to sense the body heat. Hakkai swallowed and waited.

Gojyo growled and began to straighten up, not conscious at all of the man behind him.

“Hey Hakkai,” he called, “you know where my fucking--?”

He halted abruptly in mid-turn as he saw Hakkai so near. It was just a second later that he noticed the man was without a shirt, too. Gojyo’s eyes widened a little. Then he simply stood there, cautious, waiting.

Hakkai knew it was his cue. Fisting his hands to gather some bravery, he forced himself to calmly inhale, eyes fixed on Gojyo’s.

“May I touch you?”

His voice was breathier than he had intended to, the whisper lower. His mouth was dry.

Gojyo’s eyes widened again and his lips parted in surprise. He stood there motionless for a while until he faintly nodded, eyes still spooked, glued to his roommate’s.

Hakkai forced himself to breath and raised a hand that wanted to tremble to Gojyo’s face. Slowly, as though in fear of something. In fear of scaring Gojyo, in fear of making a big mistake, in fear of rejection… that, neither of them knew.

Finally, the pad of his fingers reached Gojyo’s brow. Gojyo let out a shaky sigh and let his eyes fall closed, utterly immobile save for the fast raising and falling of his chest as he breathed.

The noises of the world outside the room disappeared from Hakkai’s senses. He couldn’t hear the birds, or the wind, or the by-passers, or the dripping tap of the shower. He could only hear Gojyo’s breath, see the tanned skin, observe how his lashes were, girlishly long and much darker than his eyebrows, watch how the scars were vivid red instead of pale white like Hakkai’s own had become, feel how warm Gojyo was, skin rougher than Kanan’s had been.

Slowly, Hakkai followed a path up the brow towards the hair. He didn’t remember exactly how the dream went, but he had a general idea; it would have to suffice. He wanted to smile at feeling how ridiculously soft Gojyo’s hair was, how the pad of his fingers glided on it as though it was water. Red water. Blood.

He traced the funny antennae, untameable, always standing out, unable to be shut up, so much like its owner. His fingers stroked his way back to Gojyo’s face and touched the fine eyebrows, the close, delicate eyelids, the scars on the left cheek. He followed the strong jaw up to the ear and watched Gojyo shudder as he caressed the shell and the neck under it. Hakkai’s hand featherly stroked down the tendon that died in the collarbone and touched lightly the hollow between them. Then he caressed his way up the throat, both seeing and feeling the prominent Adam’s apple go up and down as Gojyo swallowed. Such a sensual creature, such a perfect body held still, immobile under his fingers; letting itself be touched. Hakkai bit his lips and took a step closer just to be able to feel Gojyo’s heat more clearly, to sense him nearer still.

Hakkai’s fingers rolled up the chin and gently grazed Gojyo’s lips. Hakkai loved Gojyo’s mouth, so wide, so prone to smile, so made for sin. Tempting, tempting mouth that opened slightly under his touch. Hakkai run his fingers across it for a last time, memorizing the feel of it, engraving in his mind how it gave softly in under the lightest of pressures, and then he caressed his way down the chin and throat to open hesitantly his hand to palm that broad, firm chest.

Gojyo’s rapid heartbeat was easy to sense there, far easier than on his throat. The temptation was too strong to resist and Hakkai’s hand touched the whole expanse of skin and muscle, fingertips brushing nearly unconsciously those defined, dark nipples. A bit of sweat was beginning to make the area of the breastbone slippery and the still man’s heartbeat and breathing rate increased a little more. Hakkai pressed his hand with a bit more of force over Gojyo’s heart, feeling it strong, beating against his palm. Alive, so alive…

Hakkai finally moved down to caress the hard abdomen, the subtle valleys and hills of the muscles, subtle but definitely there. The navel was rounded, begging for him to thumb it, to circle it, to dip in it. Gojyo twitched slightly and breathed audibly, but forced himself to keep quiet and still, eyes closed, arms deceivingly relaxed at his sides. Hakkai took air and his hand travelled lower and lower, until he was fingering the rim of Gojyo’s jeans.

Should he…? Could he…? Hesitantly, Hakkai tried to swallow, not minding that his mouth was too dry, and his fingers cowardly stroked up again towards the safety of Gojyo’s belly and chest.

The sudden but gentle grip on his wrist startled him, and Hakkai looked up to see that Gojyo had half opened his eyelids and was watching him intently. Slowly, their gazes still locked, Gojyo kindly guided Hakkai’s hand down, brushing the skin of Gojyo’s belly, never breaking the contact, to the waist of Gojyo’s pants and below.

The denim was rough, a stark contrast to the pliant skin he had been touching. Hakkai swallowed again as Gojyo guided him towards his crotch. Hakkai was suddenly hot. He let his fingers open and obligingly cupped Gojyo’s groin. Gojyo sighed and his half hooded eyes shut again as he gently rubbed himself against Hakkai’s hand. Hakkai let him, heart beating madly in his chest, Gojyo’s cock hard and up under his hand, thick denim hindering a full contact.

Not really seeing anymore, even if he kept his eyes half open, Hakkai got closer still to Gojyo, hand moving between the other man’s legs, face so near to him that it was for mere millimetres that they weren’t touching. Hakkai inhaled shakily, scenting Gojyo. He couldn’t believe he was doing this. They were doing this. He breathed once again against Gojyo’s skin, Gojyo’s cheek, Gojyo’s neck, scanning the warmth of his skin as much as the scent. He then rested his temple on the other’s cheek, all the while gently rubbing his hand against Gojyo’s crotch, the redhead’s fingers still around his wrist.

Neither had uttered a single word; only some trembling sighs and the occasional muffled moan could be heard along with the rustling sound of skin against denim and their ragged breathing.

It was Gojyo who finally moved his head and angled it to catch Hakkai’s lips, but Hakkai turned his face a little bit and Gojyo’s mouth grazed his cheek instead. Never stopping the movement of their hands, Gojyo’s mouth chased Hakkai’s once again, never leaving Hakkai’s skin, nuzzling his way after the elusive lips that, softly smiling, manage to duck his. Gojyo changed strategy then and cupped with his free hand the nape of Hakkai’s neck to be able to trace with the lips his way to the other man’s mouth.

Hakkai sighed and breathed against Gojyo’s lips, alternately nibbling and escaping Gojyo’s mouth. Gojyo didn’t relent and chased after him once and again, wide mouth grazing against his, not kissing as much as touching, nibbling, being there, not letting go.

Hakkai strangled a high-pitched moan as he felt for the first time Gojyo’s tongue tentatively touching his lips, carefully sliding inside his mouth only to withdraw again, leaving him hanging. He braced his left arm on Gojyo’s shoulder and his own tongue darted out to taste Gojyo’s mouth. The man tasted like cigarettes, but his heat, his soft lips and the way he kissed overpowered by far the actual flavour. Breaking the languid rhythm, Hakkai finally gave up his teasing games and kissed Gojyo in earnest, his grip on the other’s crotch tightening, providing more friction.

Without a real transition that divided the ‘before’ and the ‘after’, they began kissing desperately, breathing noisily through their noses or panting against each other’s mouths, hands leaving their previous occupations to grab shoulders and waists, to tangle in each other’s hair, cup each other’s faces or dig in each other’s skin, as they frantically kissed, mouthed, sucked and bit wherever they first reached, bodies pressed tightly together, rubbing and grinding, trying to melt.

Tongue throat-deep in Hakkai’s mouth, Gojyo let his hands fall from Hakkai’s face to his ass to press their loins closer as they ground against each other.

As if it was some sort of secret signal, Hakkai felt his way once again from Gojyo’s broad shoulders to the front of his jeans, squeezing his hand between their pressed together bodies to undo the button and lower the zip.

Gojyo mimicked Hakkai’s movements by touch only, mouths still engaged in savage kisses. Soon after, they had fished each other’s cocks out of their pants and they were jerking one another.

“Go… Gojyo…” Hakkai tried to reason with an extra tongue in his mouth, hands frantically moving up and down the other’s cock, his own dick being stroked in the same fashion, “what… what are we… doing?”

Thrusting his tongue in and out of Hakkai’s mouth once again, Gojyo withdrew and bit gently Hakkai’s lower lip, then the chin, then the jaw.

“No… fucking… idea…” he managed to reply, supposing Hakkai wasn’t referring to the obvious.

“Ah…” Hakkai threw his head back as Gojyo’s thumb rubbed the head of his cock and he jerked his right hand in earnest as his left arm circled Gojyo’s shoulders once again, keeping their bodies together, “…how…reassuring…”

Gojyo smiled, panting against Hakkai’s throat, a hand moving up and down Hakkai’s dick as the other slid under the partly off underwear, grabbing his ass.

“Down,” he whispered, gently dragging Hakkai to the floor where they kneeled, pants open and partly down, masturbating each other like crazy.

The time came when they stopped kissing and concentrated on chasing the pleasure, cocks slick with precum sliding into each other’s fists, ragged sounds muffled into each other’s shoulders and hair, soft, wet, delicate skin against the inside of their hands, nerves singing, intense pleasure only heightened by the heat of another’s body, the smell of that special kind of sweat that beaded out during sex, the knowledge of who the other was and what he meant.

“Ah!”

There, there, there, there, there… With some wild, impolite thrusting, Hakkai spilled all over Gojyo’s hand and torso; the tightening of his hand made Gojyo follow shortly after with a stifled groan.

They sat down on their knees for a long time, loudly panting, hands still down each other’s pants circling messy, softening cocks.

Even when they became aware again of their surroundings, realizing that they had their eyes open and what they were seeing, they didn’t move or talk.

The seconds turned into minutes and the dripping of the shower tap made itself noticeable anew, but they still stayed quiet, avoiding each other gazes, eyes fixed elsewhere.

Hakkai was the first to finally take his hands off Gojyo. He was always the more self-conscious one. Gojyo reluctantly released Hakkai’s spent cock, not without caressing it lovingly in his way out. Maybe he wouldn’t have another chance.

Softly sighing, Hakkai asked.

“And what now?”

Gojyo pressed his lips together and risked a glance at him.

“…Cuddle?”

Hakkai smiled tiredly and looked back at him.

“My priority would be a shower, if you don’t mind,” he made a pause, as though looking for the right words, “I was making reference to a less immediate moment, though.”

“Oh.”

Gojyo’s fingers twitched, aching for something to fidget with – a cigarette, for example – but dirty with Hakkai’s come as they were, he managed to keep them still.

“I like you,” he blurted out suddenly, “a fuck of a lot.” He then added, nearly defensively, “If that’s what you’re asking, I mean.”

Gojyo wasn’t sure he had said the correct thing – he wasn’t too good at it – but he saw Hakkai slowly relax, so he guessed he hadn’t fucked it up too badly, either.

They sat there, on their knees, as if they were having a tea ceremony or something. More seconds ticked by, but Hakkai didn’t reciprocated Gojyo’s awkward confession. Not that Gojyo had asked for it. Some sort of reassurance would have been nice, though.

“Shall we take a shower then?” Hakkai finally asked, soft smile in his still glistening lips. As if sensing Gojyo wouldn’t dare to presume, he then clarified, “Together, I mean. It’s been a dry year, we should probably be spare with our water resources.”

In Hakkai’s twisted way of expressing himself, that had to mean something relevant and life-saving, but the problem with Hakkai’s twisted way of expressing himself was that only Hakkai understood what he was trying to convey.

Gojyo decided to hold onto the word “together” and forget the rest of the shit.

“Ok,” he agreed, still not moving, waiting for Hakkai to do something.

As if reading him, Hakkai kneeled up and, leaning in, kissed Gojyo softly on the right eyebrow, of all places.

“Let’s go, then.”

Without waiting for Gojyo, Hakkai stood up and walked to the bathroom. Gojyo assumed it was safe to smile and followed after.

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Afterwords: Gojyo's awkward confession at the end is not entirely mine. It's a mix from Itainohime's wording in "Beyond all Limits" and Emungere's timing in "Ranma X-over". I wanted to explain and apologize for the lack of originality. Thanks to s0mam0miji for helping me place the references.