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Aimless	By : Jedishampoo Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > Het - Male/Female Views: 1274 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gensomaden Saiyuki, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Title: Aimless

By: jedishampoo

Pairing: Hakkai/RYFC (Youkai
Female Character) (Hakkai HETOMG.)

Rating: R (not worksafe)

Summary: In the youkai village, Hakkai and Gojyo go their own
ways for a bit.

Notes: About 1600 words. For sharpeslass,
who wrote me a 35 and requested Hakkai het. It�s more about Hakkai angst
than the smexin�. I�m not sure how I feel about it,
but she liked it. Thanks for the beta, dahling.

The youkai town had proved mystifying,
surprising, and seductive. The whole idea of it.
The promise that someplace new would provide community, safety from the outside
world, from the past. That didn�t make it right, however. It never lasted.

�So, what was it like, being human?�

�In what way?� Hakkai asks.
He feels the youkai woman�s hands cradle his waist,
long fingernails pressing in ever so slightly. He can smell her hair and the
sharpness of the liquor on her breath. He remembers that he�d had some
rationale behind his decision to come here, to her home, but can�t remember how
he�d reached it.

�I mean, what did it feel like?�

�I don�t remember,� Hakkai admits. At least, he can�t
remember physically. He�s been this way for so long, in his new life, that it
seems normal. He does somewhat remember the pain of the transformation, the
fear he�d felt as something happened to his body that he couldn�t explain. The
clenching of his ribs, the sickness that rolled back and forth in his gut-- not
at the blood of the Maoh clan or at feeling his nails
and ears growing, but at the knowledge that Kanan was
dead. That she had despaired somewhere alone.

�I remember everything before I was reborn,� she says. Her skin is dark, and
her eyes are light brown. When Hakkai sets his hands
on her shoulders, hesitantly because he�s forgotten how to touch a stranger,
she releases a soft hmmm of satisfaction.

Hakkai feels like Gojyo had
looked, just before he�d left the bar with his own companion for the evening. A
brief, stymied expression had crossed Gojyo�s face
when the tall woman had clasped his hand and pulled him towards the door. Like he was waiting for something. Like he knew that Sanzo should appear out of nowhere to deny him the female
company, or even that Hakkai might give him a look
that said �this is a bad idea.� There had been confusion at the intervention that
never came, quickly covered, then eagerness, glee. Hakkai
often envied Gojyo his ability to take life as it
came. To care, and care deeply, when he felt like it, and to let go when he
didn�t.

Hakkai had drunk just enough liquor to care a little
less about everything-- the youkai town was low on
water while home-brewed hooch was plentiful-- but the feeling has worn off. He
wishes he�d brought some liquor with him, wishes that he could recapture that
moment of decision. Then he realizes that there isn�t enough liquor in
Shangri-La to make this right.

She�s still talking.

�Were you afraid of us?� she wants to know.

�I really didn�t think about it,� Hakkai says.

�Oh,� she says. �Well, it doesn�t matter.� Her face moves closer, like she�s
raising herself onto her toes, and her eyes close.

�I need to--� Leave, he thinks. His fingers pop open and his palms lift,
like he�s releasing a hot thing.

Her eyes fly open just as suddenly, and they�re a little frightened, a little
hurt. It�s the sort of look a woman might have in her eyes when she was hugging
herself.

�Oh,� she says again, and starts to back away.

�It�s just� I�ve been injured,� he says, not entirely untruthfully. His ribs
and stomach muscles clench against his injuries, the new one and the old one.
Too much freedom, too little direction; it wasn�t good for any of them.

Though Gojyo might beg to differ.
Hakkai wished he had Gojyo�s
way with women. The ability to put them at ease, to make them happy while
promising nothing. Never leaving hurt feelings behind.

He wonders what Gojyo is doing right now, then stops wondering because he realizes that he really
doesn�t want to know. He wonders how he possibly had said those things to Gojyo a few days ago-- about finding someone
indestructible. Even if he�d said them in jest. Even
if this woman understood that they wouldn�t be staying long. Fate had a way of
turning Hakkai�s reality into a joke of its own.

�It�s okay,� she says, and tucks her dark hair behind one delicately pointed
ear. She�s not looking at him. �I understand.�

Hakkai knows she is lying, and he wants to laugh at
his sin. It isn�t this woman�s, Xianling�s, fault
that he�d covered his distrust in fate with a new life, and she doesn�t deserve
for him to be untouchable now. He can never enjoy this, but there�s no way to
extricate himself without hurting her feelings. Like Sanzo says, keep moving, keep
moving, keep moving, we have a destination. Hakkai
can do this.

He smiles, and hopes she doesn�t recognize its falsity. Gojyo
and Goku and Sanzo would
never be fooled by this smile, but they aren�t here. He clasps her shoulders
and tries a Gojyo line. �Maybe I just need you to be
gentle with me.�

�Oh!� Xianling says, and her eyes clear some, and her
lips curl up at the sides, just the tiniest bit. �Of course.�
Silly man, her eyes say, but her hands hover just above his hips, as if
she�s not entirely convinced.

So Hakkai leans in and kisses her. Her lips are warm,
the inside of her mouth wet and she tastes like liquor, and something else. He doesn�t
remember the taste or this feeling, but he�s willing to go through with it,
anyway. Always, Hakkai performs the correct penance
for his mistakes.

Keep moving, keep moving, keep moving, we have a
destination. Part of him remembers something, because after a while his
hands switch positions with hers, and she�s the one grabbing at his shoulders
while his fingers press at the small of her back, his thumbs at her soft belly.
Her skin underneath the waistband of her skirt is softer than the homespun material.

And Xianling is gentle, as promised. When her fingers
venture down his aching breastbone and into the front of his pants, he hasn�t
even realized that she�d unfastened them. His body remembers the correct
response: his flesh is sensitive to the touch of the unfamiliar, and his blood
knows where to go. He gasps at the contact and the rush of blood and the way it
throbs in so many places at once, under each of her five fingers.

This thing is surprising, hard and demanding and almost violent when pressed
against the delicate frailty of a woman. He wonders how they stand it, welcome it, this imminent invasion. Kanan
must have, once upon a time, but he doesn�t remember. Now Xianling
laughs, a little, a happy laugh, when he gasps again. When she releases him to
tug at his shirt, pulling him towards her bed and unbuttoning her blouse with
her other hand, he follows, because there have been worse punishments, and this
is better than the guilt.

Hakkai kisses her again and remembers the taste he
couldn�t identify earlier: it�s the taste of the willing flesh of another
person, a woman. Memory piles on top of memory, now, tumbling
out faster and faster with each new touch. The skin of Xianling�s
breasts tastes like the past: something wrong, something he shouldn�t have, but
wants anyway, because his body demands it, and because it is the thing to do.
Find security in the arms of another. One of them is feeling it now, and
whether it is himself or Xianling hardly matters,
because this is how it goes: naked flesh against naked flesh,
spread the legs, hot constriction around his cock, the breathing, the low
half-formed words.

It�s not Kanan but it�s something like their
lovemaking was. In, out, in, out, seemingly aimless but not without a
destination: Hakkai does remember being Gonou, being human, and yes, he�d been afraid, but not of youkai, specifically. Only afraid of living alone, but then
he and Kanan had found each other. He�d not been
afraid in a town where the people were nice, where he always had a purpose in
his teaching; always had someone to come home to, someone who loved him. He
remembers thinking, finally, they�ve found somewhere they can be normal, where
nobody knows their past, where nobody cares that they were orphans or that they
were siblings because they have each other, they�re a unit, that nice couple
next door, the teacher and his girlfriend.

He remembers not feeling weak at all, just feeling normal. Strange, because he is much stronger now. His body is in
control, of his memory, of Xianling. She smiles as he
grunts, as he squeezes her breast, as he jerks his cock into her that last
couple of times, as memories crest like waves-- Kanan--

He hasn�t said it aloud, and he is grateful. He is grateful when the memories
fade again, also. When the woman slides languid fingers over his ear, however,
whispering to him how much more powerful he could be, he drags her hand away
without a word. He�s paid his price, reaped his reward.

And when the smell of sex fades from something remembered and arousing into
something odd and uncomfortable, Hakkai remembers his
rationale for coming here: it had something to do with new beginnings, freedom,
rebirth, he thinks. That all seems so sordid, now.

He�ll think of another Gojyo line, to extricate
himself with whatever grace he can muster. He�ll get dressed. Go find Goku, the house where they�d all woken, rescued from the
desert. He suspects that Gojyo will be there also. Keep
moving, keep moving, keep moving. Community,
safety, wasn�t always a place.

END

Thank you for reading! Flames, concrit, comments all
appreciated. Please be honest; I've never written in present tense before, and
I've not written Hakkai angst before, and want to
know if I'm crazy. :)
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