Bittersweet

&&&&&&&

In my hallucination, I saw my beloved’s flower garden.
In my vertigo, in my dizziness, in my drunken haze,
Whirling and dancing like a spinning wheel,
I saw myself as the source of existence.

&&&&&&&

TOKYO, January 26th 2013
12:19 a.m.

*Flick*

A cigarette lit and embers glowed with life.

*Click*

“Why so glum?” Matt breathed out the thin smoke.

Mello’s eyes glared at him through long, blonde bangs.

“It couldn't happen my way, could it? It had to end this way.”

*Crack*

Bitter chocolate snapped through his teeth.

“Whaddy’a talking about? Mello, we get Takada, make sure she strips, and keep her in the back of the truck. What’s the issue?”

“No! It’s not just that. Don’t you get it?”

*Crack*

*Puff*

“Don’t tell me you’re still hung up over the whole Near thing? Ca’mon! What’s it worth anyway?”

Mello grimaced.

“Everything.”

He rose and threw out his chocolate bar as he made his way to the bathroom. Matt sat sucking on the remains of his cigarette. Finally putting it out, he got up and followed Mello. He found the blond leaning against the sink. Mello raised his eyes to the mirror and gazed at Matt’s reflection. Smiling, Matt pounced on his friend, covering his mouth with his hand, and placing an imaginary pistol against his temple.

“Hey, Mihael… Haven’t forgotten it’s just a game, have you?”

Mello struggled and finally elbowed Matt. The brunet coughed, released him, and continued sputtering and wheezing.

“Wow, I really do have to stop smoking, huh?”

Mello left the bathroom and loudly stormed around the apartment.

“Hey,” called Matt, “if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’ve got a hard-on for the albino nerd! What gives?”

He heard Mello coming back to the bathroom, boots stomping. Three… two… one….

Mello appeared at the entrance, fuming.

“Just shut up, o.k.? Shut up!”

“K.”

“This whole thing, this whole thing has been for nothing! I mean… I could have done it, Matt! I could have been the next L! If it weren’t for that stupid, gadget-obsessed freak, I could have won this!”

“Well, think about how I feel. I was third in line!” Matt held up three fingers. “I should have just killed both of you, but who cares? Really! I’m helping you. We’re all L’s successors, in a way.”

He smiled and winked through his goggles. Mello relaxed, noticeably.

“All right. I’m sorry, Matt.”

“Yeah, ca’mon, who wants to watch Misa-Misa all day?”

“Fine,” muttered Mello. “Just don’t get mushy on me, o.k.?”

“K. Hey, wanna play on the Wii?”

Mello shook his head. “Look, I just want to go to bed.”

“That sounds fun too…”

“Yeah,” Mello breathed, pulling Matt against him. “I… I need you right now.”

“Ooh,” said Matt, wrapping his arms around the blonde. “Now who’s mushy?”

“Hey! I didn’t say I couldn’t get mushy!”

“Whatever, master.”

They made their way to the bedroom, arms slung around each other, cigarette case and chocolate bars at hand.

&&&&&&&

I was there in the beginning, and I was the spirit of love.

&&&&&&&

TOKYO, January 26th 2013
2:36 a.m.

Hours later, the two boys lay naked together in the dim light, leather and furs strewn across the bed and the floor.

“You’re awfully cranky,” teased Matt as he leaned against the pillow. “You’d think all the chocolate would help with your P.M.S.”

Mello punched the brunet, not hard enough to bruise but enough to sting.

“Ow. See?”

“You deserved it.”

“Yeah, there’s a couple of things I thought you deserved, but now I’m second-guessing.”

A smile played on the blond’s lips as he narrowed his eyes.

“Fine, then. I’ll set boundaries and make sure this relationship is strictly 'professional'.”

“Great idea! So you’ll pay me?” Matt’s green eyes brightened.

Mello frowned and dragged the other boy under the covers to wrestle. They ended up getting flustered by the friction and began rubbing against each other again.

“Matt,” gasped Mello, “you stupid fuck, why do you always do this to me?”

Matt sucked on the blond’s collarbone, rubbing his waist and grinding against him.

“Must be my charm. So, Mello, did you ever have a hard-on for Near?”

Mello swallowed and moaned as his friend’s fingers ran along his erection.

“Would it make you hotter if I said I did?”

“Oh yeah,” Matt breathed. He gripped the other boy and stroked him once.

“Then yeah… yeah, I did. Ohh…”

Matt kissed his way down Mello’s chest to his nipples. He took each one in his mouth, sucking and biting, as he picked up a rhythm stroking his cock.

“Really?”

“Yeah… I’ve wanted that stupid -ah- fucker’s cock inside me all along. Makes me… harder thinking about it.”

“Mello, Mello, Mello…” Matt whispered as he sucked the skin on the blond’s hips. “What am I going to do with you?”

Mello choked back a cry as Matt’s tongue brushed against the base of his member.

“You can… suck me off.”

Matt brushed his lips softly up and down the shaft.

“Yeah, you want that?”

“Yeah, baby.”

The brunet stopped abruptly and crinkled his cute little nose.

“Nuh uh, not ‘baby.’ How ‘bout…?”

Mello sat up on his elbows, eyes laden with lust.

“Yes, seme,” he whispered.

“There you go.” Matt ran his mouth up Mello’s length to the very tip to French kiss it. Mello moaned and bucked his hips forward.

“Shh, sh, be still. Tell me more about Near and how you want him to bone you.”

“Yeah, yeah… I want to blow him and have him… oh …aah.” Matt had taken Mello’s long stiff prick into his mouth and was now languidly deep throating him. “Have him put it in me hard and never stop!”

Matt “mhm’d” around Mello and winked.

“Maaaatt...” the blond moaned as he threw his head back.

“Shhhemmehh!”

“S-sorry. Seme!”

“Khhhp ghhohng!”

“I want him to fuck me – ah – good, make him lose control, ride me all—oh—night to break that… that stupid calm he always ha-a-aaas!”

Matt had moved from Mello’s cock down to his opening.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” whispered Matt between making little circles around him with his tongue. “Open for me, Mihael. Ever want to be the one fucking him?”

“God… oh… well, I did fuck him once.”

Matt sat up excitedly at the gossip.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Mello panted. He wound his hand in Matt’s hair and brought himself up to whisper against his cheek. “Fuck me,” kiss, “and I’ll tell you.”

“What was that?” Matt put his hand up to his ear.

“All right, all right. Seme!”

“K.”

Mello spat in his hand, stroked Matt’s throbbing erection a few times, and helped guide the other boy. Matt thrust inside Mello in one outrageous motion. Both boys moaned and grinned in spite of themselves.

“Oh, fuck yeah,” groaned Mello as he fell back against the mattress.

Matt grabbed Mello’s infamous rosary beads from under the pillow, put them on and bit down on the crucifix.

“Now call me Kira,” he said between the metal and winked.

“You really do have an oral fixation problem, Matt,” gasped Mello. “—I mean, seme—I mean, Kira. Goddammit, just fuck me!”

“K.”

Matt began moving at a perfect rhythm—just fast enough to enthrall, but slow enough to torture.

“Yeah... yeah... so… while we …ah… we were at… fuck… Wammy’s, I… I couldn’t stand it anymore… so, I went in-into the jerk’s room and-and I attacked him.”

“Yeah? …where was I?”

“Prolly, oh, playing Nintendo!”

Matt kept his pace but began thrusting harder, gazing down at Mello, tonguing the crucifix in his mouth. Mello’s eyes widened.

“Keep talking, baby,” Matt groaned.

“Oh God … yeah… I… yeah, seme, I jumped his bones… oh…and he got hard in like, two fucking seconds.”

“Did he break?”

“No… no… no, the asshole stayed serious. He… he was g-good though, seme… tight and hot… shit, Matt!”

At that encouragement, Matt began thrusting faster and harder, right against Mello’s spot, and began fisting the blond’s erection. Mello’s fingers clung to Matt’s hips, aiding him deeper.

“M-Mello, my Mello,” moaned Matt, crucifix falling out of his mouth. “You’re so hot, baby boy.”

Mello closed his eyes in ecstasy.

“Love you,” he breathed.

“I love you too… Mello… Fuck, Mello! Dammit, I’m gonna come…Fuck, fuck!”

Mello’s eyes opened under his mass of blonde hair and glanced victoriously up at Matt. Oh, he couldn’t help himself… that was just Mello. He could have compassion and morals—and, yes, he could love—but in the end, he had to win. With a smirk, he watched Matt break on top of him and mutter a slur of unspeakable curses.

The brunet collapsed against the blond, auburn hair wet against his face, as he emptied himself. He smothered Mello with kisses and continued pumping the blond’s throbbing dick.

“Let me…” moaned Mello into Matt’s hair. “Let me inside you, seme…”

Matt panted and gasped against Mello’s shoulder. He nodded, rising out, and Mello beckoned him up with a wave of his leather-gloved hand. Matt kissed him sweetly and crawled up to him. Mello guided Matt till he was sitting on his face. He tongued his entrance slowly at first, beckoning the opening to widen and then faster and faster until Matt was swearing violently. Mello let him ride his tongue while he lightly stroked himself, careful not to jiz right there. Finally, he dropped a kiss onto Matt’s inner thigh and motioned for him to get off. He flipped the boy over and loomed over him, licking his lips.

“Seme tastes so good,” he purred. “Is he ready?”

Matt nodded, waggling his tongue like a puppy. Mello buried his head in the pillow next to Matt’s head and positioned himself. He eased into the boy, and as he did, he felt it: that rush—that piqued arousal, that feeling of absolute control. He filled himself inside Matt and the boy wrapped his legs around him. And off Mello went. Bucking methodically, he rode Matt out until suddenly everything turned to white heat… he was winning, he was winning! —he was seme, L, Kira and God. He threw Matt’s legs over his shoulders, running his hands along the brunet’s thighs, and he knew he wanted to fuck everyone in the world, and be the one they all remembered who beat the Devil at his own game. Fuck Near! He wished what he said to Matt was true; he’d always wanted to screw the cold-blooded freak just so he could break him. He wanted it… he wanted omniscience—Mello felt himself coming at the thought, that sweet, familiar pulling in his lower abdomen… oh, it was good to rule. Goddammit, why couldn’t everyone feel the way he did? So, so, so good… Fuck! God, fuck!

“Matt… Matt, I’m gonna—! ”

Panting and salivating, Matt hooked his arms around Mello’s thighs and thrust him harder and further into him.

“SHIT! FUCK! HOLY-GOD! MATT! …Mail… MAIL! Sssuuuhh! Guh… oh, oh, yeah… yeah! … fuck… Ahhh…”

&&&&&&&

Now, I am sober. There is only the hangover,
And the memory of love, and only the sorrow.
I yearn for happiness; I ask for help, I want mercy.
And my love says…

&&&&&&&

TOKYO, January 26th 2013
3:25 a.m.

They lay calm, Matt smoking his third cigarette in a row while Mello went over their plans for the next day again with a marker.

“It can’t fail… it’ll put Light Yagami in a spot where he can’t get in touch with Mikami, and they’ll both have to act. And the only way that woman would know my name is if Yagami told her, confirming he’s Kira…she can’t have the eyes, she can’t!”

“’Cause Mikami would serve no purpose…”

“Yeah! Even as a decoy, we know from Lidner that he’s using the real notebook… ”

“Mhm.”

Matt puffed and puffed away as Mello brooded.

“Cheer up…” he threw a bar to Mello. “Have some more chocolate!”

“Fuck you!”

“Did!” Matt grinned cheekily. “By the way, you’re supposed to follow through with the ‘seme’ till the end, Mello!”

“I like to be in control! What’s it to you, anyway? I followed it through up till when you came!”

“True.” Matt took another drag. “I think you’re lying about the nerd, though.”

“Yeah, I was. Was it lame?”

“Nah, it was o.k. It was like one of those ‘forbidden’ things. I'm kinda glad it wasn’t true, though…”

Mello glanced up from his papers with a smirk.

“I mean,” continued Matt, sputtering a bit, “I wouldn’t wanna think the dick I’m eating’s been in Near’s butt. Not that I care if you ever fucked anyone before…”

He looked sideways at Mello. The blond's smirk only widened and he took a bite of chocolate.

“Yeah, of course,” he said. “This is all about not giving a shit. And the whole ‘love’ stuff… you know… everybody loves you when they’re coming.”

“Yeah,” agreed Matt, grinning.

Their eyes glinted at each other’s.

“So,” Matt said, “after this, we actually join with Snow White?”

“Yeah, I guess so…” Mello suddenly became dejected. “After so much, it’s back to the three fucking Musketeers.”

“Hey, hey, easy on the drama.”

“Whatever. Let’s just see if tomorrow works before we make plans about Near.”

“Well, everything’s ready… the car, the guns, the bike, the truck—”

“What if I die?”

Matt sucked extra hard on his drag, gazing at Mello with big, green eyes.

“You’re not gonna die."

“I could,” insisted Mello. “I could die…”

Matt placed his hand against Mello’s shoulder and shoved him over.

“If you do, I’m totally getting your jacket and your guns.”

Mello made a face.

“Fuck, Matt! Can’t you be a little more sympathetic than that?”

“You told me no mushy stuff!”

Mello stared off with a distressed, anxious look. Putting out his cigarette, Matt snuggled up to him. Mello resisted at first and then finally gave in. This is so gay…

“If you die, you die,” said Matt. “You know it won’t be in vain. Ca’mon! You can’t worry about stuff like this, you’ll drive yourself nuts. Just do what needs to get done while you’re still alive. That’s it…”

“Yeah,” agreed Mello, nuzzling Matt’s auburn hair, “I guess the fact that we’ve made it this far.... Goddammit, Matt, I hope this works. It started out as just a competition with Near, but the closer we get to solving this, it’s like…” Mello paused, frustrated, putting a hand up to massage his temples. “He killed L! He’s Satan. It’s just… I feel like I don’t even care anymore who gets him! Whatever it takes, the bastard needs to lose… even if I die to do it.”

“Wow,” said Matt. “True confessions… Nah, I hear ya. It sucks. But, like you said, someone’s gotta do it.”

“Yeah. Look…” Mello paused. “Thanks for everything, Matt. And, really, if I die, just… do the best you can. All right?”

“You got it!” The brunet winked. He leaned into Mello’s sad face and whispered against the corner of his mouth. “It’d give me all the more reason to shoot the guy in the face.”

And he kissed the blond affectionately, basking in the vulnerable, un-Mello moment. The un-Mello moment ended as Mello pushed Matt away, disgusted. Matt chuckled.

“Sorry, I got over-excited.”

Mello blushed, and then let a little smile come through. He shoved his companion affectionately.

"Matt." His voice cracked. "What if… what if I'm just like him, Matt? I... I'm sorry this is like true confessions, you're right... but I can't help thinking I lived so selfishly. I killed people without caring! It’s been all about winning, and about me."

"Hey, hey, Mels,” said Matt. “Calm down... C'mon, you know it's not so bad. God damn, you're not Kira!"

Mello's mouth twisted in frustration as realization dawned: he wasn’t likely to survive tomorrow. He would be killed either by Yagami, or Mikami, or even Takada somehow. He had less than 24 hours to live.

He had less than 24 hours to live.

The thought made him want to vomit. So, he did. Stumbling, Mello made his way to the bathroom and regurgitated the afternoon’s worth of chocolate.

Matt lit another cigarette.

As Mello appeared at the doorframe, he wiped his mouth and gazed over at the guns. They sat, glinting and exposed, in their respective cases. Strolling over to them, he felt the sweat forming on his forehead. Mello brushed his hand along the glittering pistols, so much power held within their barrels. How many had he killed to prove himself back in L.A.? Dozens? All it had taken was a pull of the trigger for each. Just one and they were gone. Like the fucking notebook. One scribble. Had he never realized his hypocrisy?

Furious tears threatening to spill out of the corners of his eyes, he made like he was checking the guns. What a fucking way to finally see the truth, leading yourself to death.

My only redeeming act is to do this, to give up this silly game of “win and lose”.

It was so hard for Mello. So hard not to think of himself and himself only.

As if on cue, Matt chirped.

“Not to talk like the addict I am, but cigarettes are supposed to calm your stomach muscles. You want one?”

Matt didn’t have problems thinking outside himself. Then again, Matt would most likely survive all this. Mello had gone over the specific instructions with him earlier:

TOKYO, January 25th 2013
10:49 a.m.

“How much ammunition will you have with you?”

“The one smoking gun and three semi-automatics: one in my collar, one in my vest, and one underneath the seat.”

“How many shots will you fire at the crowd?”

“Just one.”

“What’s the maximum speed you’ll go?”

“Mello, these are dumb questions…”

“Answer me, dammit!”

“Aright, aright. 110.”

“What direction will you head in?”

“West, as far away from you as possible.”

“Which streets?”

“All the main ones, avoiding narrow ones.”

“What will you do if they try to shoot you down?”

“Swerve, only shoot back if they start aiming for me.”

“What if you crash?”

“I die.”

“What if you survive?”

“Make it look like I’m more injured than I am so that they have to call an ambulance.”

*Flick*

“Don’t crash, Matty. What will you do if they catch you?”

*Puff*

“Get out, act very casual, joke around, make conversation so they see me as human, blah blah blah, remind them that they need me.”

“What if they look like they’re gonna shoot you right there?”

“Slowly reach for the gun, shoot as many as I can while getting back into the car and getting the fuck away before they kill me.”

“And if they arrest you?”

“Get in the back of the cop car, stay calm, and keep quiet.”

And so on and so forth with specific answers to all kinds of possible questions they would ask Matt.

TOKYO, January 26th 2013
3:51 a.m.

Mello gazed off. Oh, Matt. Through all this, Matt was the only person he really ever trusted. The only person he wouldn’t dare dick around, just ‘cause, well… it was Matt, and Matt would never believe Mello to abuse him. Mello would never abuse him.

How strange… the only person who would be all right with Mello’s ego problem was the only person Mello didn’t give it to. What the hell?

Mello then remembered Wammy’s House orphanage as if it had been this morning:

LONDON, October 10th 2004
4:18 p.m.

“You’re losing, Mel.”

“That’s what you think!”

The two boys lay on their stomachs playing Nintendo.

“No… No… NO!”

Mello desperately moved the controller to make his character escape, but it was too late… Matt cornered him and released a secret weapon he had acquired in Round 2 in the last 10 seconds. Then Game Over.

Matt’s win.

Both controllers were ripped out of the Nintendo box and flung across the room, knocking some ridiculous Near construction over completely.

“WHAT THE HELL, MATT!?” Mello roared at the brunet. “Everybody’s got to pull something out at me last minute! Yeah, I bet you think you’re so cool now, don’t you? Just ‘cause you won some stupid, pathetic game you think you’re special. You’re not that special! You’re—“

Mello stopped himself. He couldn’t continue. He couldn’t, not with that face that was staring back at him. A face not of fear, or anger, or disgust… nor even a face of the slightest bit of victory. It was a face of sadness and of understanding. Matt had won at Mello’s expense. If only he’d have let him win this one time! After all, Mel had been in such a nasty mood since L left. Matt couldn’t believe he’d forgotten how much L meant to Mello; of course Mel would be upset. Aw, he would have been so happy to win…

The brunet nodded, practically encouraging Mello to continue if he had to. Matt didn’t mind at all, if it brought his best friend some comfort.

The blond’s anger fell away. His beating heart calmed as a strange feeling came over him. He was left completely disarmed: he should be even more angry at this! But, he wasn’t… It felt too much like freedom.

“I’m sorry, Matt,” Mello’s voice cracked as he looked to the floor, away from that face. “You won fair and square and you deserved it. You are special, no matter what the Hell I ever say. Look, I’ll clean this up and leave you alone. Good job, Matty.”

He bravely looked back up and saw Matt’s soft eyes. He knew that Matt knew what it took for him to say that. They didn’t speak another word, and Mello left Matt alone after cleaning up. But after dinner that night, Matt left his chocolate cake for Mello since the blond had been punished for knocking over Near’s elaborate block construction (he hadn’t been able to reconstruct it exactly before the nerd found out). It sat on Mello’s bed, thick and rich. Mello never thought about it, but he never degraded Matt or insulted him or betrayed him in any way, shape or form after that day. He wasn’t sure if Matt noticed, but Matt never made any indication that we would think Mello capable of treating him badly. It was an unspoken trust.

TOKYO, January 26th 2013
3:51 a.m.

“O.k. I guess I’ll just smoke the one I offered you, since you’ve gotten kinda quiet… Totally not blaming you! Puking sucks. But, if you want one, I’ve got another pack—“

Just then, Mello strode over to the brunet, jumped into bed, and gathered him to him like a true lover.

“Mel? What the—haha, hey, hey…”

“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever fucking seen,” right against his cheek. “Goddammit, Matt. You— I’m sorry,” he pulled back from the startled Matt, wiping his eyes. “Is this o.k.? I just want to tell you this, but I don’t want to freak you out.”

Matt’s mouth hung open in an adorable surprised smile. This was odd! …kinda gay, really. But of course it was o.k.! They were gay, no matter what Mello ever said.

“Well… yeah… it’s fine, of course it’s ok!”

Mello nodded.

“Good.” And he threw himself back into Matt’s arms, kissing the brunet’s cheek, hair and neck.

“Mail,” he murmured softly, still kissing his friend. “I—you know when I say it, I… I’m really not lying.”

Matt’s heart did a somersault. He smiled.
“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Guess that makes me a fag, huh?”

“It’s o.k. I’ll still like you.” Matt pulled back and gazed into Mello’s blue eyes. His own spoke volumes. Suddenly, years of trust and something they didn’t want to really talk about called “love” spoke between them, like whispers in the air from motorcycle-riding, pistol-wielding angels.

“’Cause I do like you… a lot. So, I guess now we’re Valentines or something.”

Mello crashed his mouth against Matt’s in pure, unadulterated bliss. A single tear rolled down his cheek. Matt would always be Matt, and Mello would always be Mello, no matter the fuck what, and if they both died tomorrow they died knowing God exists and that Yagami would fall along with all darkness. ‘Cause he never had this, he never had Matt, and he would never know.

And that’s what made Mello different from Kira.

&&&&&&&

And my love says, “Look at me and hear me, for I am here just for that.
I am your moon, and your moonlight too.
I am your flower garden and your water too.
I have come all this way eager for you, without shoes or shawl.

I want you to laugh, to kill all your worries,
To love you, to nourish you.
Oh, sweet bitterness, I will soothe you and heal you;
I will bring you roses…
I, too, have been covered with thorns.”

&&&&&&&

Mihael “Mello” Keehl.
Date of Death: January 26th 2013
Time of Death: 9:07 p.m.
Cause of Death: Heart attack (the Death Note)
Reported Conditions: Remains found in the driver’s seat of a freight truck parked inside a burning building (causes unknown) along with the remains of Kiyome Takada
Location: MusashiMurayama City, Tokyo

Mail “Matt” Jeevas.
Date of Death: January 26th 2013
Time of Death: 7:16 p.m.
Cause of Death: 24 bullet wounds from shots fired by Japanese police squad
Reported Conditions: Body taken to police headquarters for autopsy identification
Location: Toshima, Tokyo

&&&&&&&

End Notes: Lyrics from the poem “Bittersweet” by Rumi.

&&&&&&&