Shuichi\'s Tale

It just couldn't be, Eiri thought.

It was something he'd been thinking all night. Ever since that afternoon when he'd come home early to surprise Shuichi.

Well, Shuichi and whomever that man had been. Although, looking back upon it, the unidentified man hadn't really been surprised. Only thoughtful.

Before chuckling like you have when caught by the husband in the past years, his conscious reminded him, or like some evil villain in your novels.

No. Stay focused, Eiri told himself. This was not some errant dream of his when he was stuck on a plot. This was real life, his real life. Not a script or his errant imagination.

Eiri wasn't being tricked and Shuichi had really been...

Fucking someone very much not Eiri.

"Eiri?"

Said author looked up from the burning cigarette he'd been smoking. Or tried to before his mind had tried to go somewhere that didn't hurt, that wasn't full of shocks and burning questions that had no real answers. They never did.

Shuichi's face looked like there were so many things that needed to be said. Or so Eiri thought because even though this was real life, he had written dozens of these scenes. He wondered what Shuichi's excuse was. They always had some kind of stupid excuse that didn't make sense and never fixed anything.

"I love you, Eiri, and I still want you," Shuichi said. Very much a cliche. Except for the fact that Shuichi did not look desperate. The only word which seemed to fit was...resigned and expectant.

A sick feeling he knew was not an ulcer started building in the pit of Eiri's stomach. He knew he could play two games. Either the spurned lover--which he refused to be because he was the one in control here, damn it--or the experienced "lover" he was.

So he sighed and waited.

Shuichi nodded as if he understood and continued. "I am not sorry and it is not your fault. I enjoyed what I did every time and knew what I was doing and I know that there is no way that I can put any of this blame on you. It's all my fault and I will take that fully."

He was surprised, yes, but he would not turn the conversation to desperate emotions. So, he sighed again and sat back. Shuichi had obviously changed, but there was one thing Eiri still knew was true. His Shuichi liked to talk, liked to share. It was why Shuichi was a song writer.

"It started last year, when you had that book tour here and in America. I was stuck here because of the new album," Shuichi began, still as calm as he'd been when he'd came to the park.

"The longer you were gone, the more depressed I got. K gave us some time off, if only to help me get back on track. I decided to go for a walk, to clear my head, and ended up in Yoshiwara. I got cornered by some thugs, but before they could beat me up or steal my wallet, some other guys showed up. Prostitutes, I learned later, but they didn't look it.

"After chasing my would-be attackers away, they took me back to their "office" where they were due to start work, to get me some coffee so I could calm down. They thought I was lost from another district and just a kid. But despite their protests, the owner sent them off to start their work and took me into a room where one of the female prostitutes worked.

"I got scared, of course, because as much as I do like women, I didn't want to do that to you." Shuichi smiled evilly and chuckled before continuing. "I got away from her eventually, but the place was a maze. I got lost, turning corners for a while before I wound up by a room that had a two way mirror."

At this point, Shuichi's eyes became glazed. He was obviously remembering that time instead of focusing on the now. "There was only that room in the corridor and there was a seat in front of it. I guess that it was meant to be for the voyeurs who came to the brothel. I was going to continue on because there was nothing there that I wanted to see, but then I saw blond hair out of the corner of my eye.

"I stopped of course, my confused mind thinking it might have been you. Not that it could have been, you were on a plane at that time I think to America. My mind, however, was easily tricked, and I looked in.

"Whoever it was, he was not Japanese. I think either English or American. Something like that. He was tall and obviously worked out. He wasn't wearing a shirt or shoes, only pants and the zipper was open. His body was slicked with sweat and he was panting. He had a whip in hand and there was another man, bent backward over a table with his hands handcuffed and his back was red, fresh from the whip.

"As I was sitting there, the foreigner started the whipping again and I couldn't look away. I didn't know why, but I just couldn't. The owner, who walks around to make sure that everything is going well, happened to be checking that corridor at the time, but I didn't see him. I was so entranced that I jumped when he spoke to me.

"'You can have him, if you want,' he said to me, 'I can arrange for a scene between you two. He's almost done now. I can set you up in a private room and he'll do what you ask. I'll even give you him for free tonight. What do you say?'

"I was shocked and ready to tell him that I'd never do that. But at that moment, just as the owner said, the foreigner turned away, having done what the "customer" asked, and I saw his eyes for a brief moment. Golden eyes, Eiri. Softer than yours most of the time, but still golden eyes." Shuichi closed his eyes and shook his head, not in regret, but to shake the memories. "I said yes."

Eiri could imagine the scene perfectly. He could imagine his old, innocent Shuichi being shocked by the inner workers of a brothel and being outraged by such an offer. It had happened before, when Shuichi had gone with Eiri to a bar and they'd walked home at 3 in the morning. This, however, was a different scene. Eiri was imagining how the night ended and he suddenly didn't want to know anymore. Only his need to find out about who this new person was, this Shuichi, kept him silent.

"I was shaking as the foreigner came in. He had showered, some, but still only wearing his jeans. They were zipped and I think that if they hadn't been, I'd have run. As it was, I kept my eyes down and bit my lip to keep it from trembling. And he chuckled at me. Almost like you in the first months, when I was doing something that meant I was new to sex, only this time, when he chuckled, it was soft and kind and understanding.

"'I know you,' he said, 'I've read about you in the papers. Your lover is away for some tour, right?' I was shocked, but I didn't look up. He chuckled again and started circling the chair I was seated in. 'I know what you want, if you wanted me. I can tell why.'

"He leaned in close, standing behind me. 'You were innocent before he touched you and then he changed you. And he's cold.' He put his hand on my shoulder and slowly moved it down my chest to pinch my nipple. 'He's gone now. You miss that coldness, the indifference.' He bit down on my ear and I cried out. 'You want it. Want someone to put you back in your place.'

"I was paralyzed because some part of my mind said it was true. And," Shuichi turned to look at Eiri was a bit of the old softness, the pleading Shuichi for love, "it is true. I wouldn't change you for the world, but you do like putting me in my place. As much as I love to be put in my place."

Eiri was silent by shock this time. He was ready to deny it, but just like Shuichi had said, a small part of him whispered that he liked the control over Shuichi. That he liked that Shuichi snapped to attention if he only happened to glance at the boy. 'Gods, what have I done?'

Shuichi took Eiri's face in his hands. His eyes bore in Eiri, demanding all of Eiri's attention. "It's the way you are, Eiri. In the present. I don't think it has anything to do with the past or Tohma's influence. I like you the way you are and I don't want us to change."

Us. Eiri took a deep breath, one of hands reaching up to cover one of Shuichi's small hands with one his larger ones. Would the boy grow anymore? He always seemed to small to Eiri. "I need time to understand...us..."

Shuichi smiled and nodded. "I know. It took me a while to understand, too."

A small piece of memory clicked into place in Eiri's mind. The increase of attentiveness in Shuichi, the way Shuichi seemed to always know what Eiri needed and how Shuichi was more...obedient. Maybe he didn't need time to understand "them". Just needed to get the pace of the change.

Meanwhile, Shuichi continued with his story. "In the end, I didn't have to say anything. The foreigner straightened and told me to strip. I did it without hesitancy. I knew that if I didn't, I would be in trouble. He spanked me, told me I deserved it because I was with someone who wasn't my lover and I needed to learn that my infidelity needed to be punished. And some part of me accepted that. I deserved to be punished for straying from you.

"He refused to get me off because he said that I didn't deserve it. But then I asked, what could I do to deserve it? I don't know what made me say it, his tone or that I was so hard it hurt or something else. But he didn't leave me anytime to think. He told me that if I blew him, he would reward me. Thankfully he didn't come in my mouth. He turned me around and fucked me. With a condom," Shuichi said, seeing the look on Eiri's face.

Shuichi took a deep breath. "I left after that. I couldn't believe I had actually done that. But then, a few days later, when my bum was healed, I found that I missed the burn. That I was craving it. I hardly thought about the brothel. I was anxious for you to come home, wondering if maybe you would come home early and I could tell you what I had done and you would..."

Shuichi trailed off, but he didn't need to complete that sentence. Eiri knew perfectly well what his lover was trying to say. Shuichi had been hoping that Eiri would get angry and do something that would fill the need that been realized.

Silence. Eiri hadn't ever known Shuichi to be quiet unless he was troubled, but looking at the boy from the corner of his eye, Eiri knew that Shuichi wasn't troubled. Far from it. He only looked like he had seen this situation arriving and had prepared for it.

Eiri dumped his cig on the ground, uncaring for the park rules, and lit another one. After letting out that first hit, he said, "Did you time today's 'appointment' because of the date?"

Shuichi blushed. Eiri found it adorable because, after all Shuichi had obviously been through, the boy still acted like a virgin around Eiri, like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Sort of. You are starting to come home early from your tours and..."

Eiri reached out and turned Shuichi with a light touch on Shuichi's chin. "And what?"

Shuichi licked his eyes and didn't break their eye contact. "I was tired of lying to you and I...I really wanted you to know how I felt."

If this were the kind of situation Eiri had first imagined it to be, he would have thought that Shuichi meant that they were over. Since it wasn't that kind of scene, Eiri knew exactly what Shuichi meant. He chuckled. "Still shy around me after all this time? It's a wonder you ever managed to continue with those men."

Shuichi's face darkened with anger, but he didn't say anything. He actually looked like he was unsure of what to do or say. So, Eiri made the choice. He realized, then, that he liked being in control of the situation with Shuichi. He had started to become accustomed to not knowing what to do next--because of Shuichi's erratic behavior--but now, seeing things in a new light, he realized that he welcomed the new sense of control.

Shuichi was shaking, his anger fading. "Eiri, I'm sorry. Really. But they--"

Eiri pressed a finger to Shuichi's lips. "Hush. It's fine now. I'll take this in hand." He grabbed Shuichi's hand and began the walk back to their apartment.

Yes, Eiri liked this very much.

FIN