Protege\' Moi

A/N: Written as a birthday gift for Salomesensei.

It gets a bit AU at the end, thur guize. But it was so worth it.

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And from this clash, from this embrace between despair and skepticism, is born that holy, that sweet, that saving incertitude, which is our supreme consolation.
~Unamuno

“Light-kun seems different today.”

“Everything is different today, Ryuzaki.”

L nodded. “Yes. I am aware.”

“So why did you say that I seem different if you know that everything is different?”

“The situation is different, Light-kun. I, however, am not. But you… You are.”

Of course he was different. Light had just spent the better part of four months bound to L, unaware of his own motives and aims, having succumbed to disgusting things which he would have not even thought of otherwise. Now it was as though a switch had been flipped on in his head and everything came together: The reason that he was even in this place, playing nice with the awkward detective, every single thing he had done before allowing himself to be placed into L’s custody. Yes, he allowed it, he told himself. There was no way that L would have been able to produce the necessary evidence needed in order to legally chain a person to him, let alone for four goddamn months.

His eyes slid to the Note, sitting on the large table in the middle of the main investigation room. Just…sitting there. Everyone was afraid to touch it for a second time, it seemed. Though it was all for the best. After all, it was his. By all rights, he shouldn’t even have allowed anyone else to touch it if they tried. Not that it really mattered. Everyone had already seen Rem, who was now hovering behind Matsuda, of all people, clearly aware of the fact that it would have raised suspicion if she divulged through her actions that she was, in fact, attached to Light.

“Light-kun?”

It was almost a struggle to tear his eyes away from the Note and look at L, who was peering at him like a fucking insect with those huge, black eyes. Everything about L was almost…monstrous. The way he had his head tilted to the side as though waiting for a response, his posture, the way he always had to have something in his mouth like a child. Why the hell was he staring at Light like that, anyway? “What?”

“I asked you what you think should be done about the notebook until it can be verified that this was the method Higuchi used in order to carry out the murders.”

Oh.

“Are you sure you are alright? Perhaps some time away would be necessary.” L crossed the space between himself and the table, reaching out and lifting the notebook between his forefinger and thumb, dangling it in front of his face for a moment before placing it back down and returning his attention to Light.

What fucking right did L have to touch his Notebook? It was Light’s. It was his before all of this happened and it was his meticulous planning that allowed it to even have been returned to his custody. And now L had his spindly fingers hovering over it, staring at Light as though he had any right to do anything besides…

Besides die.

Bringing his hand up to wipe a stray piece of hair from his eye, Light fought to maintain his composure as he suggested the last thing he wanted to say. But it had to be said. Anything more or less would raise suspicion and now that he had come this close to his win, there was no way he was going to allow that to happen. “You already know the answer to that, Ryuzaki.” It was true. L already not only knew exactly what Light was going to say, but knew exactly what he intended to do with the Note. Another test. Light would have been foolish to assume that just because L had claimed that he and Misa were cleared of all suspicion, it was true. “It’s obvious that it would be illogical to trust a single person with it, so it stays in police custody. As a matter of fact…” Light paused to look around at the other men in the room. “I’m not sure you would even trust yourself with it. Am I wrong?”

“You are correct.”

“Right.” Light felt himself calming a bit. “In that case, there has to be something we can do that would require every single person in this room to authorize contact with the note before it occurs. A safe, maybe? We could all have different codes and it would require all of us to input our code before the lock is released. That way, there will be no flying accusations or suspicion involving any of us.”

L nodded, pressing his thumb to his bottom lip as he looked to the floor, weighing the possibility. “That does seem like a good idea, Light-kun. However, it has been proven that Kira has the ability to control a person’s actions before their death. In that case-“

“Kira isn’t here, Ryuzaki.” Light interrupted him. Perhaps a bit too quickly. “We have the notebook, Higuchi is dead, and Kira is not in this room. Do you honestly have any reason to believe otherwise?”

The look that L shot him then answered his question. Yes, L still suspected him. As to what reason he had to do so, Light honestly had no idea. He strongly doubted there was any evidence built up in L’s mind besides him hopelessly clinging on to his “Light-kun is Kira because I say Light-kun is Kira and I am never wrong” theory, which really couldn’t be considered a theory at all. It was more speculation than anything and Light reminded himself that it would do him no good to allow himself to become unnerved by it. After all, hadn’t he gone four months with L constantly at his side, accusing him of being Kira in every other sentence?

“And may I ask you, Light-kun, why you seem so positive that this notebook is Kira’s only method of killing? Or even that it is the method he uses, at all. You seem very sure that this notebook is the single weapon that Kira has used in order to carry out his actions.” L’s hand still lingered above the Note, as though he were contemplating picking it up again.

Light knew he should respond exactly in the same manner now as he did then.

“I’m as sure as you are.” Light mirrored L’s own bland tone, feigning disinterest in the underlying accusation of that question. He swore he could actually see the percentages rising in L’s head at that answer. As of late, L seemed more concerned with proving that he was right than presenting actual facts, which was to his detriment. The rest of the men had become rather annoyed with his constant accusations toward Light when there was no concrete proof to supply his musings.

Yes, musings. That’s all they really were. Defined by L’s insistent need to prove that Light was Kira simply to hide the fact that he may have been wrong the entire time.

No matter that, in actuality, L had been completely correct in thinking that Light was Kira, because Light was Kira. Perhaps not consciously during his stay in the headquarters, but L had never faltered in his conviction. Not once. Not even when they…

Dammit. Light nearly winced. He needed to push any memories of that to the back of his mind, where they belonged. But how was that even possible with L giving him that imploring stare, silently wishing he would just confess while every second in which he looked at Light, he seemed to be fighting between outright accusing him and begging him not to be Kira? It was all over him. Light could see it clear as day in the way L seemed to not even notice that everyone in the room had done nothing but watch him watching Light for a good two minutes.

---

You are one of God's mistakes,
You crying, tragic waste of skin
I'm well aware of how it aches
And you still won't let me in
Now I'm breaking down your door
To try and save your swollen face
Though I don't like you anymore
You lying, trying waste of space
Song to Say Goodbye ~Placebo

“The Shinigami hangs around Matsuda an awful lot.”

“Yes.” L closed the door behind them, though it was unnecessary. Everyone had gone home for the evening. Everyone besides Light, who had insisted that he should stay in order to “help with the investigation.” At those words, Yagami-san had eyed them both a bit warily, most likely as a result of thinking that L was pushing his son to remain late in order to further his accusations without anyone present to object. “I have noticed that, Light-kun. It’s almost as though she is purposely lingering around Matsuda-san in order to prevent herself from appearing to be around any of the other team members—namely, you.”

Flopping down onto the bed in what was honestly sheer exhaustion, Light stared at the ceiling, not wanting to even look at L, let alone entertain the thought that perhaps in a matter of minutes, he would be joined on the bed by the detective, as had become custom between the two. “This isn’t why I stayed, Ryuzaki. If you wanted to further your theory that I’m Kira, it could have waiting until morning.”

“Of course not.” Something akin to a smirk played on the corner of L’s mouth as he eyed Light, deciding that the most effective course of action would be to play the game as usual. He stalked over to the right side of the bed, still somehow convinced that it was his side after such a long period of time in which it was his side. Absently, he rubbed his wrist where the cuffs had been, massaging the skin in some form of relief from the fact that it was slightly unsettling to have them gone. “You did not remain in order to further our argument. You stayed because you cannot bear to leave that notebook out of your sight.”

His words hung in the air; a lingering thickness between the two of them. A challenge to respond. A statement of what he knew to be truth. “Aren’t you going to attempt to prove me wrong, Light-kun? Tell me that I am being paranoid? That my assumption holds no facts behind them? You cannot honestly believe that I would accept that you are tired of this argument.”

Light only continued to fix his eyes on the ceiling, offering no immediate response. While they were downstairs, still deciding what to do with the Note, he had momentarily indulged in the possibility that there would perhaps be a way to avoid having to dispose of L. Maybe it was only the lingering memory of how those insect eyes appeared when they were engaging in…activities, but for less than a second, Light had actually looked for a way out of killing L.

It was only his psychological response to a physical memory, he reminded himself. Their interaction had become a bit of an addiction, though the thought of something so vile as that being true was enough to make Light want to be rid of L even more. The truth was that the detective had all but mindfucked him into feeling any form of remorse for his future plans by manipulating him when he was most vulnerable.

For four whole months, Light was nothing more than a boy intent on capturing a murderer in order to clear his own name and all but obsessed with the only one who could assist him in doing so, though L had never once shown any interest in doing anything besides convicting Light of the very things he swore to clear his name of.

And L had taken advantage of this to the best of his ability. He had provoked Light, both physically and otherwise, until it somehow ended in the two of them pressed against each other, whispering challenges and lies until it had finally turned into something that Light could only recognize at the time as…love?

It had been fake. It had all been a lie because Light was not himself, in the truest sense. Yes, he was Light Yagami, but he was not the Light Yagami who had planned the whole thing from the beginning, intent on overcoming L with such a fierce passion that he had gone as far as to give up his Note in order to further this plan. Granted, he may have felt something that could have been mistaken for affection, but it was not he who felt these things. It was a shadow of his true self; one that had been tainted by L’s manipulation.

L was such the perfect liar. His ability to do so convincingly nearly put Light’s acting to shame. It was all lies…the lips that grazed his cheek were ones that spoke blasphemies against Kira in the name of false justice. They were the same lips that lied and lied and lied so many times in order to convince Light that the detective was out to do anything but see him to his eventual death. Yes, L had stated on every possible occasion that he would see Kira to the death penalty, but whispered that he could understand why Light would go to such lengths to see the world at peace.

God, but Light had denied it until he thought the words would stop coming. How many times had he been broken down to the point of falling to his knees and all but begging L to stop, just please stop accusing him of being a murderer because he couldn’t take the accusations anymore from the same person who would so easily slip into bed beside him and indulge in his flesh as though the two actions had every right to exist side by side?

L was a spoiled child of indulgence: One who got what he wanted, when he wanted it and it had baffled Light as to how L could both want him and his confession in the same breath.

But no, Light knew better now. He knew that it had all been a ploy in order to cause Light to trust him enough to divulge his secret. That he had even believed that it was anything else was more foolishness than his current self was prepared to withstand. Now, it was different. The tables had been turned and it was Light permitting L to drag his shirt up over his torso and slide his hands against his skin, only to deter him from the constant accusations that seemed to fill his every thought.

“Light-kun seems tense tonight.” Hot breath in his ear, whispering observances, stating beneath the passive comment that L knew. He knew, he knew. God, how? How could L discern from a fucking glance that Light was lying?

He didn’t know. He was bluffing. He had to be. Couldn’t Light just be tense from the events surrounding the past two days? Wasn’t that entirely possible? How could the simple tightening of his muscles be considered evidence? It wasn’t. It wasn’t evidence. L was just doing that…thing he did when he was intent on drawing out a confession.

Pretend you already know and they will come spilling truths thinking them already revealed. Yes. That was it.

“Yeah…” Light forced his voice to trail off. “It’s just…the Shinigami. Where is she? I don’t like knowing that we’re not alone.”

He was rewarded with only a shrug and the tip of a wet tongue snaking over his nipple, flicking at the tip before teeth bit down, causing Light to suck in a shaky breath, his hand involuntarily shooting out and gripping L’s ebony strands. Every inch of his body tightened and it hit him like a hammer:

Light was afraid.

He was afraid to have L touch him, afraid from what might be done to him if L was truly convinced at this point that he was Kira, afraid of what might spill from his own lips, even. There was no doubt in Light’s mind that L would do anything it took, torture included, to extract a confession if his percentage somehow went up to one-hundred.

Of course, he told himself that none of that mattered. L could do whatever he wanted. The fact was that all that had to happen was for Rem to know that Light was in danger of being outed, thereby threatening Misa’s freedom, and L would be dead in a matter of moments. It didn’t matter that the Shinigami despised Light-which he knew was the case. All that mattered that as long as he was safe, Misa was safe and if Light were to be discovered as Kira, there would be little proof needed to prove that Misa was the second Kira and…

Well, that would be the end of L.

The end. After that, Light could go about his plan without having to worry about a spidery, relentless bastard attempting to preempt his every move. There would be nothing in his way, nothing to convince any of the other members of the Japanese police that he was Kira, no one constantly accusing of him of being what he was, no one to insist on throwing fake notions of justice in his face for the sake of being right. Nothing. Nothing left but the greater good. Nothing left but absolute justice. Nothing left but the new world in which he was God.

L would be the ultimate sacrifice to his cause. His death would show people that good always triumphed in the face of blasphemy and injustice. Yes, blasphemy. L was perhaps the greatest sinner when it came to this. Every syllable that dripped from his tongue was a crime against Kira. He should have died a thousand times over for his pettiness and with him gone, there would be only one thing left: A clear road towards Light’s utopia.

Once L was gone…

Shit.

L was grabbing Light’s face, palms pressed flush against either side of his jaw and Light felt as though he couldn’t breathe, and everything that had happened: every single word, movement, interaction, thought, all came crashing down like someone had opened a floodgate above him and the only thing left was the finality of death. L. Defeated. Gone. And then…

“Light-kun, why are you crying?”

---

If I gave you the truth, would it keep you alive?
Though I’m closer to wrong, I’m no further from right
And now I’m convinced on the inside that something’s wrong with me
Convinced on the inside, you’re so much more than me
Truth ~Seether

If it wasn’t for the lingering sound of their breaths mingling together, it would have seemed that the two figures splayed on the bed were lifeless; eyes locked and unmoving, one’s expression of utter interest and the other…the other’s was broken, terrified, as though a great calamity had befallen him suddenly.

And, by all rights, it had. In a desperate effort to break the silence that seemed to have lasted for hours, as opposed to only seconds, Light pushed up against L’s splayed palms and captured his bottom lip between his teeth, pulling him down further. If he could do this, nothing else would matter. Not now. It wouldn’t matter that on a psychological level, the two of them were staring each other down, each waiting for the other to make his move. The only thing true to the moment was that his mouth knew L’s so well, having mapped out each inch and crevice hundreds of times before. Light had been so afraid to engage in this; nearly terrified that it would have ended in him pushing L away from him, disgusted, only to have the detective decide that such actions were the only proof he needed that Light was not the same Light than before they had left in the helicopter to capture Higuchi.

And then he was being pressed back against the mattress and L’s hands were pulling his clothing away, completely silent as he did so. It was so different without the chain attaching the two of them. Light realized that nothing was stopping him from getting up and leaving this time. He had a choice. He could do whatever he wanted. He could wrap his hands around L’s throat and be done with the whole mess.

His eyes were burning and no matter how hard Light tried to close them against the thing that was producing this effect, he found that he couldn’t keep them closed because he needed to see L on what would perhaps be their last night in this situation. If he could just remember every detail of his face, of his expression, the way his skin tasted, the scent of his hair, then once L was gone, he wouldn’t really have to be gone. It would only be his body that existed no longer, buried in the earth. As long as Light took this time to learn the remaining details of L, he would be able to remember and then this, all of this, wouldn’t be so lost to him as he feared.

This was humanity in its most rotten state. No rationale to justify actions, nothing making any sense beyond the physical need for contact and gratification, the need to hold L against him and bask in the knowledge that he was alive. And God, it could stay that way. It could. If only there were a way to…

“Does Kira cry for all of his victims?”

No. Only you.

“Ryuzaki, please.” Light’s back arched off of the bed as the same mouth that had been on his only moments before trailed down his throat, his chest, leaving tiny bites in its wake until he felt teeth grazing his torso and his mind was too far gone to form any coherent thought beyond wanting to feel that warm, engulfing wetness lower. “Just shut up.”

And L did. He ceased to speak and instead took Light into his mouth, pushing down, even as his tongue swiped upwards until Light was pressing against the back of his throat, everything he wanted to say replaced by tiny moans and gasps. Perhaps this was the ultimate truth behind it all. This: L, the one who had sworn to capture Kira, capturing him in an entirely different manner. He owned Light as long as the boy was beneath him and Light hated it. He hated that L fucking knew and still worked his tongue over the tip of Light’s erection until Light was gripping the blankets on either side of him and wanting to do nothing but confess.

Yes, confess. Be done with the whole thing and not have to concern himself with anything besides this and the torrid affair that had developed as the result of a boy chained to a detective seven years his senior. It was simplicity and human and the only thing that allowed Light to escape from the fact that it was never supposed to come to this. This was L. His rival. The only one who even possessed an inkling of a chance at destroying Kira’s world and Light nearly hated himself because all he wanted to do was curl up in bed beside this monster and be in love like an idiot schoolgirl.

In this truth lied the deeper truth that Light was no God. A god would be immune to these things, able to put personal gratification aside for the sake of the greater good, which is exactly what Light had been doing until he let himself slip.

And he fell.

And now? There was nothing left. Yes, he could be rid of L and do exactly what he had been fighting to do since he realized the power of the Note. Save humanity and sacrifice his own humanity in the process. But what was he saving them from? This? Love? The ability to feel things and react and not have to worry about whether their actions would have dire consequences. God, how many loves had he taken with his actions? How many lovers left on their knees, crying into the floor because the one they held to them was gone? Is this what it felt like? This sense of doom? This…finality?

Light hated this. He hated that a stupid need for sexual gratification had blown up into such epic proportions until he doubted himself. He hated that L held the ability to inflict this upon him, all the while knowing exactly what he was doing. He was breaking Light.

L was winning.

He knew it, the bastard. That was why he had the most immense look of satisfaction on his face as he forced himself into Light, sparing him no gentleness because this was not Ryuzaki and Light stealing away from everyone in order to indulge in each other. This was L fucking Kira, plain and true, with no pretty words or false murmurs to mask it. Each thrust drove the point home until Light was completely unable to hold back his tears any longer and he let them go, flowing over his cheeks and onto the pillow. Nothing mattered. It was finished.

And as long as he could find some way to keep L when all of this was done, he didn’t care.

“Ryuzaki…”

“Just say it, Light-kun.”

“I…I don’t-"

“Stop.” L stilled for a moment, still pulsing inside of his lover, his enemy. “No more lies.” He whispered, bringing his hand to Light’s hair and running his fingers through it as he drew out of him, only to slide back in, drawing out every second with deliberate slowness. “There is no need for it to be this way, Light-kun. No need to fight any more.”

“You can’t.” Light was so close to downright sobbing that he had to swallow back his words before they broke from him like a pathetic child.

You can’t make me.

“Say it.”

L’s fingers tightened in his hair as he drew back and slammed forward, hitting that one place inside of Light that had nearly caused him to sob a thousand times over and he spilled, sweet release over his own stomach, his arms wrapping around L’s neck and pulling him down. Down, against him, where he should be, always.

But Light couldn’t. He couldn’t say, “I am Kira.” Because Rem would hear and if Rem heard, then L would die there, on top of him, still inside of him and Light would lose himself completely. No. He couldn’t. But some things were only whispered amongst lovers and as much as he could keep the truth from L, he could do the same with Rem.

L’s lips were on his ear again and his breathing was harsh as he found his own completion and with a shudder, he let himself go, clinging to Light as though without him, he would fall as well. “Light,” He whispered, the honorary gone, “I will not let you die. Trust me. Believe me, please, Light.”

“Ryuzaki… L… Save me.”