Now She Knew

Alice conversed absently with the potted plants on her balcony of her family's apartment when she spotted a familiar face across the way. “Hi, there.” she called. Rin smiled at her, but it wasn't his usual boyish grin. He...smirked at her. It was a bit disconcerting. He'd been acting so strangely ever since he'd gotten out of the hospital. Almost as though he'd grown up in the short time he slept. She blushed, in spite of herself. The way he looked at her made her feel as though he knew everything about her, but was probing just the same. Because he could. She'd read about girls feeling this way when stared at by perverts on the bus, but never when a seven year old kid they baby-sat smiled at them.

“Can I talk to you?” He perched himself on the railing, feet dangling over the side, hands grasping the bars. He swung his feet confidently, as if nothing had happened and heights shouldn't bother him at all. She nodded once, smiling. “Sure.”

“I wanted to apologize,” Rin said, facing her, eyes downcast. She was taken aback. “Apologize? You haven't done anything.” She sighed, slumping. “I should be apologizing to you.”

He grinned at her, his eyes meeting hers. “Again?” he asked playfully. She couldn't help smiling weakly back. His boyish charm was ridiculously...charming. And his smiles were always catching. “For kissing you like that without asking first,” he answered without batting an eye, smile still in place. Her cheeks flushed the deepest crimson she thought they could ever manage; her face had never been so hot. Did he have to bring that up? “T-thank y-I-I mean, it's okay,” she stammered. He chuckled at her embarrassment, still strangely calm. She couldn't meet his gaze as he continued, his face coming closer to hers with each word. “But,” he said, “since we're engaged, now, I don't think it matters much.”

His lips met hers in a soft brush of a kiss and her eyes shot wide open. She froze.

~*~*~*~*

He kissed her and something flared in him that he couldn't quite identify. Some kind of wanting...No, it was more like a need. And it had to do with Alice. And Mokuren. But, Alice was Mokuren. He knew it. Why else would he – Shion – want her this badly? The lines between himself and his past self blurred where Alice...or Mokuren...was – were – concerned. He was confused and his insides were shaking and he couldn't tell if he wanted to cry or hit something or just keep kissing her.

~*~*~*~*

His breath danced across her lips and cheeks in hot gasps. His eyes were closed and his face a little flushed. She couldn't tell what he was thinking. His brow was furrowed, but his lips were parted. She should back up. She should slap him. Well, maybe not the latter. She'd been down that road and vowed never to be violent on a balcony ever again. But there was something terribly...wrong. About this whole thing. He didn't look like a grade school kid pecking his pretend fiancée on the lips. He looked...like one of the strapping heroes from the movies just after he rescues his fair damsel and they share a passionate kiss.

Passion. That's what it was. That faint brush of lips held more passion than a child could possibly be capable of. It was far too...sensual.

All this flashed through her mind in the few moments that his face hovered fractions of an inch from hers and she found herself unable to move, unable to react. She was afraid.

~*~*~*~*

He decided that he didn't care. He let go of the railing, floating just above it, so he could still reach her, and touched her shocked face. He caressed her. His Alice. His Mokuren. “I love you,” he said, from both of him to both of her, and brought his lips down on hers again. She didn't stop him. He wondered why, but only briefly. He knew what Shion wanted. He thought it was kinda gross, but he wanted to show Alice how much he loved her, and if that's the way he was supposed to do it, he would. Somewhere within him, Shion smirked. Rin didn't know why, but he was afraid.

~*~*~*~*

He kissed her again, more forcefully, this time. She then finally regained her wits enough to back away, eyes wide in horror. “Rin?” She couldn't keep her voice from shaking. “What's come over you? You're not yourself...” She kept backing up until she hit the sliding glass doors. Her knees gave and she lost her balance, her butt falling onto her feet, ending her in a terrified heap on the floor of the balcony, her back against the glass.

~*~*~*~*

There. She had rejected him. He'd expected that. He wasn't angry; he just needed to make her understand.

~*~*~*~*

He flew at her. He flew! Over the potted plants, until his face was less than a foot from hers as he hovered in the air. “Rin, what's going on?” she asked, more and more confused with each moment. He smiled down at her. It was...condescending. His expression said, 'Silly girl, don't you see?'

“I love you, Alice,” he told her, more firmly this time. “And I'm going to show you that I love you.” He touched her hand with which she had been trying, subconsciously, to protect herself, and then they weren't on the balcony anymore. They were in what she guessed was Rin's bedroom. It was decorated in bright primary colors. His coat and baseball cap were hung neatly on a hook by the door, his shoes on the floor beneath them. The bedspread she sat on was adorned with cars and planes. A cursory glance of the rest of the room showed that there were action figures in a chest in the corner, a few of which were still left out on the floor. The room was for Rin, the little boy, and yet her heart leaped into her throat from fear when she registered where he'd taken her. He just smiled at her, a tiny smirk that hadn't left his face. She tried smiling back, tried to be casual. “It's close to dinner time, isn't it? What should I make us?” The look in his eyes didn't change. He was having no distraction from...whatever it was he was trying to accomplish. “Rin?”

“Shh,” he said calmly, sitting on the bed next to her. “Just lie back. Don't make me force you.” He wasn't smiling anymore. Something much darker had entered his expression.

~*~*~*~*

She still didn't seem to understand what he was trying to do. What he wanted. It was frustrating. Why couldn't he just be a grown-up? Why couldn't he get people to do what he wanted, like Shion? What did he want? He wanted...her. But what did that mean? He wanted to be inside her, to surround her and be surrounded by her, to never be without her. Could it be that literal? He looked to Shion for the answers.

It was that literal. But...he couldn't do that. He couldn't put that there. He couldn't do any of those things. Because he wasn't grown up. Well, he'd just have to try. He wanted to show Alice that he could be grown up, and he would.

“I said,” he repeated, “'Don't make me force you.'” It was too late, though. He was already forcing her to lie back. His mind willed it and it was so. She struggled, wrestling with the invisible force pulling her to the mattress. But his will wasn't limited by his small body. He easily overpowered her. “Rin! What are you doing? Stop! Please!” she protested, but he didn't hear her words. Just that they were loud. He cupped a small hand over her mouth, muffling her cries.

~*~*~*~*

Tears stung her eyes as Alice struggled in against the invisible bonds pinning her hands together at the wrists and above her head. His hand covered her mouth and her tears leaked out the sides of her eyes. Suddenly, with eye-widening realization, she knew what was going on. She fought harder. How could a little boy do such a thing? And why? Why her? His smirked widened. “Oh, so you figured it out.” He chuckled softly. “Good.” He paused. “Are you going to be quiet, or am I going to have to force you to do that, too?” She nodded, eyes pleading. He smiled. “Good,” he repeated, then removed his hand, sitting back down on the mattress next to her, watching her.

“Why?” she asked. He shook his head. “Because. You're Mokuren.”
“No, I'm not-” she began passionately, but quietly so.
“You just don't know it. And this will wake you up. We know it.”
Those words inspired in Alice the worst fear she had ever experienced. “Who's we?” she asked, truly terrified of the answer, and too afraid to wonder why.
“Shion and me,” Rin answered simply, as if it were obvious.

All she could do at that point was shake her head, muttering the same word over and over again, tears flowing freely down her cheeks, now. “No, no, no, no, no...”

He smiled down at her peacefully, as if there were nothing at all wrong and this whole thing was a picture of normalcy. “Don't cry,” he cooed, kissing her wet cheek, “Everything will be alright. I'll try to make you...feel...nice.” He hovered back down the length of her body, eyeing her with what looked like hunger.

~*~*~*~*

He glided down to her feet, slipping one shoe off, and then the other. He wanted to see all of her, touch every inch of her soft skin, but he didn't understand why, exactly. “Rin, please,” she was saying, “Don't do this.” He ignored her. Instead, he continued reassuring her softly as he relieved her of her socks, kissing her big toe. “Don't worry. I won't hurt you at all. I can't. I'm not a man. But I'll make do until I can have all of you.”

~*~*~*~*

She lay there helplessly, crying, pleading with a child not to deflower her; and when he reminded her that he couldn't, she felt silly. That combined with his tickling kisses on her feet made her giggle in spite of herself. He stopped. “Is something wrong?” he asked, his expression that of true concern. “That tickles,” was all she could manage between giggle/sobs. She imagined she looked quite ridiculous.

“Sorry,” he amended, then went back to his...exploration. He smoothed a path with his warm little hands up both her calves and his fingers ran circles around her knees. By the time she'd stopped laughing, he was massaging her thighs, kneading her muscles slowly. She looked down at his expression. It was that of concentration; every movement was purposeful. He skimmed the hem of her skirt on the way up to kiss her again, lightly, as though he didn't want to ask too much or invade too far. She didn't respond, but lay still, lips trembling along with the rest of her. “This is wrong,” she whispered against his cherub lips when they left hers with the slightest 'pop.' He just shook his head, smiling down at her still. “Just relax,” he soothed her. She just closed her eyes tightly against the whole thing, accepting that she was powerless to do anything. Again. All she could do was cry.

~*~*~*~*

He was determined that he would touch every last inch of her. Satisfied with her feet and legs for now, he stroked her pretty black hair, splayed out around her head like a halo. Her bangs parted in the middle, showing the part of her forehead where her Kiches should still be. He brushed his fingers over the spot lovingly. “He couldn't take it away from her. She didn't love him,” he muttered to himself, “The way you don't love me.”

“But, I-” she started, but he cut her off. “Shh,” he said, stroking the side of her face, “It's alright. I understand.” And he did. How could he love her? She was nine years older, a lady, and he was still a boy. But he would love her whether she liked it or not. He trailed his fingers down her slender neck and across her collarbone, and as he did his hands began to shake with that unidentified emotion that welled higher and higher in him. It threatened to break him apart. But he wouldn't stop. He couldn't. He'd come too far and she wasn't likely to let him get this close to her again. Her chest was heaving and shaking from her crying. It made his heart hurt to see her like that, but he had to do this.

His trembling hands skirted the edge of her blouse, then went to the top button, unfastening it with only a little difficulty. He'd never done it backwards before. Alice gasped and lurched her shoulders, shaking him off. His brow furrowed as he looked down at her. “Lie still!” he snapped, “I want to do this properly, but I can't if you insist on wiggling around! I don't want to hurt you.” The threat was there, but he decided to be vague and leave it up to her imagination. She looked at him, sadness and fear in her red, watery eyes, her shaking lessened from the shock of being snapped at. “I thought you said you would behave,” he continued, more softly. “I said I would be quiet,” she corrected him in quiet defiance. “True,” he conceded.

“Alright,” he said, lowering himself from the air to lay on top of her, “Will you behave? Or are you going to make this difficult?” He wrapped himself around her, his short arms barely reaching the other side of her arms, his feet hooking his legs around her waist. “I want to make it good for you.” He nuzzled her neck, smelling her sweet skin. “You smell like clean air and soap,” he sighed. She relaxed under him, her breathing evening out. He closed his eyes, happy to lay there with her for a moment or two. She nuzzled him back. “Will you let me go, now?” she asked softly. His eyes opened. “Not, yet,” he said, floating up again to resume his earlier task.

He got the second button on her blouse undone before she jerked away again. He gave her a pointed look, landing with his legs on either side of her on the bed. “Sorry,” she whispered, face flushed and tear stained, eyes downcast, “I'll...I'll be good.” She looked away, then. He smiled, anyway, happy that she saw it his way. He undid the third button more easily, getting used to the method. The fabric of her blouse fell open a little at the top, exposing more of her skin, which he began peppering with light kisses. The fourth button practically undid itself, along with the rest of them in quick succession. With still shaking hands, he brushed the fabric off of her stomach, revealing her whole torso to him. Well, almost. There was another...thing, still covering her. A white thing that attached to her with straps like on a backpack. He gave the odd bit of clothing a puzzled look. He'd never seen one of these before. Not in any of his lives. He tugged at it with a hooked index finger at the middle where it combined the triangular pieces.

~*~*~*~*

She couldn't look at him. She wouldn't look at him, but he seemed to have stopped...undressing her. Her face was so hot...All she wanted to do was be anywhere else, be asleep, be dead. Anything to make this go away. She chanced a peek at the boy above her. He was looking angrily down at her bra. “How do you work this thing?” he asked impatiently, pushing one of the straps off her shoulder, then the other. She didn't say anything. She closed her eyes again. If she didn't tell him, maybe he would just give up. She shut her lips tightly.

~*~*~*~*

She was being difficult. “If you aren't going to tell me, I'll just have to cut it off. It'd be a shame to ruin it. Whatever it is,” he said, still tugging at it in hopes that it would give way to him. She sighed and looked up at him. “It unhooks in the front,” she told him almost inaudibly, “Push the two halves together until it clicks open, then pull them apart.” He considered the garment for a moment, discovering that she meant the little part in the middle. He clasped it with both index fingers and thumbs and pushed inward. He heard a small click as the two bits of plastic disentangled themselves and he pulled them apart, watching as her breasts revealed themselves to him. She let out a small cry and looked away again. The offending triangles of cloth were forgotten as he reached for the little mounds of flesh that were topped with cherry nipples. He rubbed them lightly, gulping nervously, a blush beginning on his cheeks. His body was trying to react the way Shion's had, but it just couldn't figure out how to, yet. Instead, Rin experienced a terrible longing somewhere deep within him that couldn't be satisfied because he couldn't name it and didn't know what it was for, and hardly felt it at all, really. That pressure building in him swelled again, but he tamped it down, moving from her breasts to her stomach, his fingers drawing patterns over the soft planes of her porcelain skin. He traced back up and along her arms, kissing her hands and fingers.

Then, taking a deep breath and readying himself, he descended upon her chest, again. This time, he wouldn't shy away. He cupped one of her breasts in his hand, kneading it softly, and took the other's nipple in his mouth, sucking gently, feeling the soft skin tense up and harden under his mouth. Alice gasped and shuddered above him, her eyes widening and then fluttering shut. He smiled. This was going to be easier than he'd thought. After a few more moments, he switched, giving the same amount of attention to each breast, the way he was supposed to. They were so soft and nice to squeeze, and her skin felt good in his mouth. He smirked again as he remembered Mokuren. Her breasts were much bigger and even more fun to touch and lick, but to be fair, Alice was barely a woman.

~*~*~*~*

She couldn't watch. She didn't want to know what he was...doing to her. She knew about kissing, a little. But, this? This was...not kissing. And, yet...It didn't feel...bad. But it was wrong. Even so, her body betrayed her, reacting to his hands and his...mouth in ways she'd never even thought of. She was getting hotter everywhere, like she was embarrassed about something, but it didn't feel bad like embarrassment. Her...breasts were tingling where he touched them. And something new was building in her. Something warm and heavy and...wet. It leaked out of her. Her mind was fogging over, too, like he'd drugged her. All she could do was try to block out the weird new sensations and not to breathe as quickly as she felt she needed to. “Please stop,” she tried again. The only answer she got was the slurping sound he was making as he sucked on her.

~*~*~*~*

Satisfied that he'd been thorough enough, and impatient to continue, he moved his attention lower. He passed the edge of her ribcage, her soft stomach and her bellybutton, the waistband of her skirt. As he lay down on the bed next to her, propping himself up on one elbow, to watch what was coming next, he slid his free hand up the inside of her thigh until he found the smooth fabric of her panties. He stroked her there, with just the pad of his finger, testing. He watched as she bit her lip, blush deepening. She made little noises in her throat as she fought back a louder noise. Her eyes were shut tight. It was entrancing to watch her squirm like that. He remembered seeing it before, but never had the pleasure of enticing those reactions himself. His heartbeat skipped and sped up, his unknown want pressing him forward urgently. As he sat up, so did Alice. She picked her head up off the bed, imploring him, her eyes beseeching him as she begged. “Please stop, Rin! I know you think I'm Mokuren, but I'm not. And you're not Shion! You're just a little boy! Please! This is wrong!” He ignored her again, focusing on his Sarches power. He pulled her around in a half-circle, so her legs dangled off the side of the bed, her feet on the floor, and then he stood in front of her, only a little taller than his bed. He tugged her skirt off by the hem and let it fall to the floor, kicking it aside absently with a graceful flick of his foot. Realizing, he supposed, that she was about to be made really and truly naked, she snapped her knees shut, being difficult, again. He sighed.

Not wanting to waste more time persuading her, Rin fashioned two more binds like the one holding her hands, mentally fastened them to each of her ankles, and pulled her legs firmly but smoothly apart; he didn't want to yank too hard and hurt her. Taking the last bit of clothing left on her by the elastic band at the top between his fingers, he pulled the white cotton panties down and off of her, allowing them to pass through her invisible bonds. Then he drank in the sight of her, naked and beautiful and splayed out before him. Her hair was tousled from her head shaking over and over again against the bed. Her arms were suspended above her gracefully, making her look even taller and more slender. Her face was flushed, still, but dry, now that she had stopped the crying, and her lips parted slightly. A light sheen of sweat had appeared on her forehead and her chest was heaving a little, again, her breath coming quickly. A tuft of hair covered the crux between her thighs. And her legs...He parted them further with a thought, stepping in closer, his heart racing, as he could tell hers was.

“What are you doing?” she asked, voice soft and afraid. He smirked. “Making love to you,” he answered bitterly, condescendingly. But he didn't lie.

He bent forward a little so he was eye-level with that secret part of her and studied it a moment. It was quite possibly the oddest thing Rin had ever seen. It was so pink and shiny, and so alien. It was new to him, but through Shion, he knew about it very intimately. He prodded it with two outstretched fingers and Alice gasped. “No...” she moaned softly. His fingers came away wet and sticky. His puzzled expression at the sight before him melted back into his ever-present smirk. “If you don't want me, why are you so wet and ready for me?” he asked her, just as Shion had asked Mokuren. He hoped to wake her with that. No realization dawned on her face, though. Only puzzlement. “What?” she asked in response. He didn't bother clarifying. He didn't need to. If it didn't work, it wasn't important. Instead, he wiped the sticky substance off on the leg of his coveralls and leaned forward again, steadying himself with a hand on top of each of her legs.

Opening his mouth and sticking out his tongue, he gave her an experimental lick. Alice started above him, crying out, trying to struggle out of the way. “Mmm...” he sighed. She tasted like roses, only sweeter. She was like some exotic, pink, liquid candy. He lapped at her like a cat drinking milk from a saucer, her pink sideways lips twitching and producing more of the wetness. Alice was making all kinds of noises, now. It sounded a little like she was in pain, but he licked little circles around the bump he found near the top and he knew better.

He smelled her, tasted her, felt her, saw her. Every sense was overwhelmed. He felt consumed by that welling feeling in him, completely desperate for her. And yet, he was utterly calm. The racing of his mind and heart didn't match the stillness he felt. The serenity he was experiencing was utterly bewildering. But, instead of dwelling on things that couldn't be helped, he abandoned himself to his senses and his task. 'Please wake up,' he begged them silently, hoping his idea would work. He wasn't so sure, anymore.

~*~*~*~*

He was licking her...there. Could you do that? Apparently so, but it made the whole situation seem even more perverse that he was doing something so not normal. At least, not from the way she understood things. A small part of her that was growing larger with each flick of his warm tongue across that same spot didn't really care about how taboo it was. The part of her that was still sane kept pleading with him to stop. “Please! No more,” she begged even as her breathy voice told him that it wasn't entirely a bad idea to continue. He closed his lips around her, sucking on that spot, and she couldn't suppress the moan that came to her lips. She just bit her lip again, praying he would snap out of it and let her go. Or that he wouldn't. She wasn't sure.

~*~*~*~*

As he sucked on her, enjoying the sounds she was making and watching the battle she was fighting with herself, he moved his right hand from her thigh, his fingers searching for her entrance. He toyed with her folds for a moment, relishing the soft slickness of her skin, then slipped his two fingers inside her, gently, carefully. His fingers were small, but she was still a virgin and deliciously tight. The hot, wet bumpiness of her left very little room for movement as he slid in and out of her, her walls jerking and spasming around him already. She was shaking her head again and biting her lip, making noises through her nose. He could tell, too, that she was fighting to keep herself still, making her legs quiver with the effort not to writhe from the pleasure.

With the skill and experience of a man far beyond his years, he found the softer spot within the seemingly endless softness within her and rubbed it gently and rhythmically, in time with his mouth on her other sensitive spot. Her mouth and eyes shot wide open and she let out a yelp. She looked so adorable when she was surprised. Her labored sigh and furrowed brow were indication enough to keep going. Her eyes closed, her face screwing up. Her head rolled back and her hips began matching his rhythm as her open-mouthed sighs and moans reached a fevered pitch. He swelled with pride at his accomplishment. He was making her feel good. He was showing her how grown up his feelings for her really were.

~*~*~*~*

The whole world was fire. She was sure of this because she was on fire, and she was the only thing in the world. Her, and him and his hot little mouth. She couldn't control her writhing hips anymore, and she'd given up on trying, only vaguely aware that she had hips or a body at all.

And then everything exploded. She was thrashing uncontrollably and all sorts of strangled cries were coming from her mouth, hurting her throat as they caught there. She was dying; she knew it. She was floating in the air and nothing existed. Not her, not him, not the earth, not the moon. Nothing. She wrapped herself in the sweet oblivion and cried. Weeping, she came crashing back down. Crashing and drowning in sobs. Because she was Ko Hass Sei Te Moku Ren, and Zai Tess Shi On had raped her. Because she was Alice Sakaguchi, and Rin Kobayashi had raped her. And still, she loved him. And she hated herself. She hoped she choked on her own vomit.

~*~*~*~*

She orgasmed. Or something like that, he thought. She looked like she was seizing and she made the strangest shouting noises, like she was choking on her own voice. He released her bonds, then, so she wouldn't hurt herself, but continued his movements against her, lapping up every last drop of the sweetness that came out of her. Finally, she quieted, growing still. “Shion,” she sighed his name like a curse as she relaxed completely onto his bed. He withdrew from her, standing upright. He watched her watch him lick the sticky wetness that had soaked his fingers off of them. Wide-eyed horror was the only thing she showed him and her hand flew to her mouth as she sat up.

He held her hair back as she leaned over the side of his bed and wretched onto the floor. He hated himself, and he hated Shion. But he would survive. And now they could be together, because she knew. She knew what a terrible person he'd been. Still was. She probably hated him. But he would always love her. And now she knew.