Addicted

Summary 2: Matt is taking drugs years after he's left Whammys, and starts to hallucinate. He begins to wonder what is reality and what is fake. Songfic.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Death Note or the song Addicted (which belongs to Kelly Clarkson)

AN: If there is a way to keep my format, I can't figure it out, so everything here is a mess, so

-if anyone want s to read it in its original form, without all the issues from this site, go to

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5392447/1/Addicted

~Song lyrics~
^hallucinations^ (or a waking dream).
Everything else, normal thoughts/etc are just text


“Addicted”

~It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down~

I had gotten used to life on my own without Whammys... without Mello.
It wasn't easy to drown things out, to block them from my mind. I was a genius, as stated by Whammys. My mind didn't stop working just because I wanted it to.

Alcohol was only a temporary and disgusting fix. Like trying to put a Band-Aid on a gunshot wound.

~It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time~

Hacking, cigarettes and random sex could only go so far... but drugs? They could take a person much farther. It was an upgrade. It was a roll of bandages or duck tape.

~And I know I let you have all the power~

But even they run out after a time... take too little and you can still feel the pain... take too much... and you start to lose it.

~It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me~

I had taken more than intended this time.

Mixed one too many…

Things seemed..... different...

Fake....?

I saw a flash of blond hair and whirled around but there was nothing there.

~It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me~

^"Long time no see Matt." Mello said with a hand on one of his slim hips.

Slim leather clad hips.^

~And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time~

I shook my head; this shit was powerful if I was seeing things already.

Sitting down I powered up my laptop and decided to surf the net. I pulled my goggles up, everything was... weird.

The text… moved?

I shook my head and concentrated on the screen…

~It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you~

^His lips attacked me and my vision exploded in a wash of color. Everything was pure bliss.

His hands trailing down my chest, his hot mouth sucking at my neck.

Everything.^

~I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think~

I woke up on the floor beside the computer and there was a pop up for porn with a blond chick in leather. My head ached and I was nauseous. My stomach churned at the lack of food and at the thought of eating anything.

My boxers were wet and sweat had dried to my skin leaving me feeling sticky.

I touched the screen and blinked.

Was this real?

~Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts~

Had I been dreaming, hallucinating? The fact that I was alone and lying on the floor with the aftermath of an orgasm should have told me to lay off the drugs.

But Mello....

Did I really want to stop seeing him?

~In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me~

Maybe I was dreaming now, maybe this was what wasn't real.

Picking up a discarded lighter I held the catch down until a small flame was produced, I brought my arm up to it and hissed as the flesh burnt and bled.

~It's like I'm not me~

I was awake. But the hallucination had touched me, I had felt it... so was I really... yes I had to be awake.

But it didn't have to stay that way.

I popped a few more pills into my mouth and waited.

~It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly~

^Mello opened the door to the shower and stepped inside, his hands rough on my skin. I groaned as he bit my ear and forced me against the wall.

The cold made me shiver but his hot breaths along my neck warmed me.
Oh god did it feel good.^

~It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone~

I was dizzy and falling down, it seemed dream like.
Everything was… disconnected.

~And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone~

^His hands reached lower and grabbed at my erection. Cold fingers slowly pumping me towards release.^

~And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now~

My head exploded in pain, what was going on?

Had I fallen....?

~It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything~

^I banged my head on the shower wall as he entered me. God, and without anything to lesson the pain.^

~Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think~

It was cold, something was sliding down my face... water?
Blood?

~Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts~

^"Matt!" he hissed my name before collapsing against me, spent. We both shivered in the now freezing water.

"Mello..." he gave me a tiny, sad smile, and kissed me.^

~In my dreams
You've taken over me~

Mello Mello Mello Mello....

He wasn’t here; there was something wrong with this. He wasn’t here.

Why was I seeing him?

~It's like I'm not me~

My vision blurred before me, my lips tingling. I was on the floor again. The angle was different than before, I was beside the coffee table.

The edge was hovering close to my face, when had I moved?

Everything was sluggish, I felt drained.

How long had I been here?

~It's like I'm not me~

I touched my face when I felt something slide down. I pulled my hand back and it came away red. I had hit the table.... it was getting dangerous.

What day was it?

How many had passed?

Mello.....

Did I honestly care?

I reached foreword and grabbed a few tablets off the table.

~I'm hooked on you
I need a fix~

^Mello kissed around the gag and I whimpered at the dark look in his eyes. He pulled back and picked up a red candle off the table.

The flame flickered as he titled it over my body, the wax running across my flesh.^

~I can't take it~

It was burning, painful.

The wall was… moving….?

Or was I moving…

~Just one more hit~

^Little red droplets hit my skin and it was painful, and just as much pleasurable.^

~I promise I can deal with it~

My fingers burned...

Why was it my fingers?

It should have been my chest, right?

What was real?!

~I'll handle it, quit it~

^He moved the wax over my erection and I stared at him with wide, pleading eyes......^


~Just one more time
Then that's it~

My fingers fucking burned. The cigarette had burned past the filter.

I stuck the injured digits into my mouth and sucked.

But the pain seemed a little dulled.

I was dreaming again.

Dreaming of a time away from Mello...

~Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you~

^It was wrong, oh so wrong how good I felt.
His tongue swirled around the tip, and cleared away the wax.^

~I need a fix
I can't take it~

It was wrong, I wasn’t sleeping! But it felt like I was... Mello was standing beside me.

Turning I looked but he was gone. A ghost?

No, he would have to be dead for that.

"Matt." he whispered.

I shivered.

~Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it~

^I glared at him; I couldn't tell him what I wanted with the stupid gag.

He smirked.

Cold hands traveled across my stomach and up my chest.^

~I'll handle it, quit it~

I clutched my head. "Shut up!"

~Just one more time~

^His tongue plundered my mouth, the gag lying on the floor helplessly beside the bed. My arms were still chained above my head and I longed to touch him.^

~Then that's it~

"Matt, your losing it, aren't you?" I crumpled to the floor and sobbed.

"Leave me alone... I don't want to hear you...." I cried weakly.

~Just a little bit more to get me through this~

^"Scream for me Matty, scream!"^

~It's like I can't breathe~

I screamed.

~It's like I can't see anything~

^My senses went into overload, and only Mello could ever do this.
Only Mello.

God how I… missed him....?^

~Nothing but you~

I was shaking so badly, so very cold.... I could just take another and solve this problem...

But if I did that the voice.... would come back...

Or leave….?

~I'm addicted to you~

^"Love you Matt...." he kissed my temple and held me. I closed my eyes and drifted off.^

~It's like I can't think~

I woke up and puked all over the floor. It hurt so bad... everything ached. I rolled over and curled into a ball.

It was so fucking cold... when had I last eaten?

"Just a little?" the voice cooed. I shut my eyes tightly.

"No! No more..." no more reality... or dreams or whatever!

No more...

I let the darkness take me.

~Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts~

My phone rang and I dove across the table to answer it.

“Matt? I need you to come get me.” I could clearly hear Mello's voice through the phone, and yet I could just as clearly see him sitting across from me, mouth doing horribly perverse things to his chocolate.

“Sure, just tell me where.” I found myself saying. The... hallucination pouted as I wrote down the address.

~In my dreams
You've taken over me~

“I'll be there soon Mello.” I hung up and I didn't hear his voice anymore.

Something in my chest ached at that. I grabbed my keys, and when I looked back, the other Mello was gone.

~It's like I'm not me~

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a handful of pills. They seemed to almost move across my hand.

I shook my head and tossed them in the trash before leaving.

~It's like I'm not me~

-End-

AN: OK, who’s confused as to what the hell went on? *everyone raises a hand* Hahaha. Basically, if you didn't get it, Matt was so fucked up by the drugs that he started to hallucinate.

(The drugs I was imagining Matt using was a combination of Dimenhydrinate (found in Dramamine (and other over the counter drugs); which is for motion sickness, I’ve used it before, but can cause hallucinations if abused.) and LSD.)

and since Matt (or rather this version of Matt) was oh so messed up by Mello leaving, he started to see him, and even hear him. So Matty went a little crazy with the drugs in his system. K. So now that that’s done. What did you think?

I'm not really expecting anyone to love this, as I think I was high on sugar when I wrote this, but I would LOVE feedback. K? Yeah.......