Dry My Tears and Make Me Smile

Mello paced quietly, casting quick and uneasy glances from the door to the closet. His rabbit was making scritching noises at the closet door, obviously trying to get out. In reality, Mello was terrified of it. He only let it out when he felt brave enough to do so, and now was not one of those times. He left the door shut.

He raised an index finger to his teeth and chewed on it nervously, gaze flicking back to the door. Was Kadaj really coming for him, or was it a prank? Sesshomaru hated Mello, and Kadaj was clearly infatuated with Sesshomaru...maybe this was a prank. The thought made Mello jerk his head up suddenly.

What if none of it was real? What if all that had happened, inside of the experient and outside, had just been a giant joke?

Mello backed against the wall, eyes incredibly wide, and slapped a hand over his mouth, tears beginning to pool in his eyes.

Kadaj couldn't have been just using him...he really understood...didn't he?

Mello pressed himself to the wall, clamping his eyes shut in a vain attempt to blockade the tears that couldn't be stopped.

This was all so fucked up...

Kadaj's hair still hung a little limply from the incident with the sprinklers. The floor was still wet in places, and he'd been going barefoot to spare the irritating sensation of water in his boots. He had also changed out of his usual leather attire, replaced by a sleeveless turtleneck and a pair of comfortable looking dark linen pants. The leather had been something that was almost a safety instinct, and this week well... that insecurity had been forgotten.

When he reached Mello's door for the second time that day, he rapped on it lightly with his knuckles and called out.

"Mello...? Are you there?"

Mello made a strangled noise and looked up almost fast enough to give himself whiplash. He kept a hand pressed to his lips, but was afraid of going too close to the door. What if he was dragged outside, moved from the safety of his room?

"Kadaj," he choked quietly. The word brought him comfort at the same moment it made his heart suddenly clench, painfully. He winced sharply and closed his left eye. "Aah...K-Kadaj, wait..."

Fuck.

He dropped to his knees, used to this kind of thing, but definitely not in front of other people. Kadaj didn't need to see his weakest state. Mello made another agonized noise and closed his other eye. He panted softly, his left hand clenched over his shirt, fingers curled so painfully tight that they were shaking.

"Ho-old on...please..."

What the hell was going on in there? The remnant ignored Mello's plea and fumbled frantically with the doorknob in front of him. When the door swung open, what Kadaj saw made his heart race, luminescent aqua eyes wide with shock and worry.

He fell to his knees next to the blonde and leaned forward to look into his eyes. He was so afraid that he wouldn't be able to do anything, afraid that Mello's heart had finally had enough. Was it his fault...? Had this morning been too much...?

"Mello... Mello...are you okay?" He asked, reaching out and putting his hands on the man's shoulders.

Mello raised his head, eyes locked onto Kadaj's, his breathing labored.

"F-fine...used to it..."

Not THAT used to it, but he knew it wouldn't kill him. He knew how to ward it off. It wasn't a real heart attack...just the remnant of the one that should have killed him and didn't. The irony was killing.

Mello reached out, arm trembling, to grab Kadaj's arm. He pressed his forehead against him, body convulsing with every breath he took. His eyes burned with tears from the pain, but he felt the effects of the attack dying down, and exhaled slowly, ignoring the painful tightening in his chest.

"Fuck, Mello..." He breathed and pulled the blonde closer to him. Kadaj tightened his arms around him to try and stop him from shaking. The remnant's heart was racing again, so fast that it made him feel light-headed. Why was he so afraid...? Was he really that frightened of being separate from Mello now? Kadaj buried his face in the blonde's hair and clung to him.

"Is it your heart?" He asked gently, putting a hand on Mello's chest and feeling the irregular beat.

"Fuck, Mello..." He breathed and pulled the blonde closer to him. Kadaj tightened his arms around him to try and stop him from shaking. The remnant's heart was racing again, so fast that it made him feel light-headed. Why was he so afraid...? Was he really that frightened of being separate from Mello now? Kadaj buried his face in the blonde's hair and clung to him.

"Is it your heart?" He asked gently, putting a hand on Mello's chest and feeling the irregular beat.

"...Scared the shit outta me." Kadaj said, his voice betraying something of the meekness of his true self.

"I dunno...I get upset when you're hurt." He managed, loosening his grip a bit.

The remnant couldn't stand it, that was truth enough. But he was still feeling odd about admitting to things. He didn't want Mello to feel pressured, while at the same time he wanted to bend Mello to his desires.

Mello nodded, cerulean eyes solemn and understanding.

"I'm sorry. It was my own fault...I triggered it. I need to keep calm...or...as calm as I can."

If only Near had the heart problems. Or no, that wasn't right. The entire reason Mello had them was to prevent Near from having them.

The irony was so fucked up that he laughed.

Kadaj released his grip and rocked back onto his knees. He wanted to give Mello room to breath, and see what he was going to do next. He was laughing about something, and the remnant just looked at him, honest curiosity blanketing his face.

"Mello...are you...laughing?" he asked, and a smirk played at the corner of his mouth.

"It's nothing, forget it," Mello chuckled, his laughter fading fast. "Just thinking about...how screwed up life gets."

The smile left his face and he glanced at his closet door. A white paw was visible in the small gap, and Mello sighed, shaking his head as he turned back to Kadaj.

"I don't want to pry, but...you know me down to my last scar...what exactly made you hate rain so much?"

Kadaj folded his leg beneath him, looking in the direction of the odd scrabbling noise from the other side of the closet door. There was only one thing it could be...but...Mello? No way.

He figured there was no getting out of this conversation, and before he was feeling too weak to admit to things....more or less, now would be a great time to work on it.

The remnant ran a hand through his damp hair and sighed.

"Mother's cells were passing into the lifestream, infecting humans with a disease called Geostigma. In theory, the afflicted all had the potential to become like myself and my brothers; made in the image of Sephiroth. There was another force in the lifestream though. It was different, white to the black that is my mother. She sent a healing water that removed mother's cells from the children... it was...painful to us remnants." He sighed, recalling far too intensely his last moments in his own world.

"I consumed the last pure sample of my mother's cells and became a vessel for Sephiroth. Her waters couldn't purify me then... He was able to control my body then, even though it wasn't complete. We did battle against Cloud Strife...we would have won if it hadn't been a last resort. Cloud defeated us and Sephiroth left my body. When I came back in control...I tried to lash out at Cloud but I was too weak...my body was spent. The last thing I heard was mother's voice calling me to the lifestream, and the rain falling on my face..." He stopped, the mixed emotions welling up in him.

"He held me then... in the last moments. He had fought me and yet... dared to treat me like that at the end. With gentleness..." Kadaj wasn't sure why he hated that fact so much. He felt like it had been patronizing, like it had been nothing but pity.

Mello listened with wide eyes, soaking in every word and understanding, and at the same time, completely unable to comprehend. Kadaj's death had been caused by a wasted life. His entire existance had been to provide a back-up plan for Sephiroth. Kadaj was nothing more than their tool, and Mello couldn't help the hot tears that trickled down his cheeks for the soul that deserved so much better.

"Kadaj," he choked, eyes shining. He extended a trembling hand to lightly brush his fingertips. He found himself jealous and regretful...regretful, selfishly, that Kadaj had had someone to hold him...regretful that Kadaj had to die in the first place...

And he was jealous of Cloud, and angry at the fact that Mello himself had been unable to provide a warm embrace for Kadaj's last moments.

"...I'm sorry."

The remnant instinctively wrapped his fingers around Mello's hand. The gesture was odd to him, something he'd never done before but it was comforting and he accepted it. Holding Mello's hand was something that he didn't quite understand, but he slowly moved his thumb, caressing the back of his hand.

"Don't cry for me Mello...I don't deserve your tears." He said, sounding gloomy. He couldn't help but reach up and brush away those tears though. His aqua eyes shimmered a bit, hinting at something... and he bit his lip, a tiny show of his missing insecurity.

Mello raised his free hand to brush silver bangs out of Kadaj's eyes. He smiled weakly, affection evident in his gaze.

"If you don't deserve them, then I'm not allowed to cry. No one deserves them but you."

A shadow of Kadaj's old self was peeking through the cracks, a remnant of a remnant. Mello watched him carefully for more signs of a change.

"You've...spent a long time telling people not to cry...haven't you?"

Don't cry. Mello'd lost count of how many times Kadaj had said that to him.

Kadaj was surprised at this, and he was deeply touched. The remnant thought he felt his eyes burning, tears that refused to fall under his new facade. It was difficult to hold back, and when the remnant spoke, his voice was thick.

"I've always told them...not to cry. But if you want to... I guess that it's okay." He said. It was impossible for him to tell Mello not to cry when his own gaze was so hazy. Kadaj squeezed the blonde's hand, enjoying the feeling of closeness and tried to relax his mind. Maybe it was better to cry. Maybe crying would make the turmoil in his heart come to rest.

"Mello...thank you. Thank you so much." He owed the scarred man so much. It wasn't fair, all that he'd given to him in such a short time. Kadaj reached out and pulled the blonde against him, that fiercely protective instinct still burning brightly in him.

"I... want you to belong to me Mello. I want to protect you, to be here when you cry." It didn't matter to him if it was the experiment talking.

"I am not one of them, Kadaj."

Mello wiped the back of his eyes with a bare hand and took a shuddering breath. He rested his head against Kadaj's chest, closing his eyes in comfort. The remnant was always taking care of him, experiment or not. What bothered Mello now was his level of intelligence. Despite the fear and sorrow and ache for belonging that gripped him, his eyes darkened with realization.

They weren't usually like this. Mello couldn't believe that the man who had snarled about his hungers or called out about his anger was him. The old Mello picked so many fights...and Kadaj was so weak, so submissive. He craved attention and love, and Mello nestled closer to Kadaj, mind working.

"When this is all over," he whispered, his voice heavy, "we won't be the same. You'll be the one trying to grip me for comfort...but I'll be too proud of a bastard to give it to you. But...for now...I don't want you to go..."

Kadaj's mind wasn't quite as sharp as Mello's, but he wasn't stupid either. He turned those words over in his mind, slowly teasing out the obvious logic. If it was an experiment making them act different then...was this all that...? Was this feeling nothing but an illusion? The thought left the remnant feeling hollow. It couldn't be true.

"Mello... I don't care... as far as I can tell, it's our reactions that have changed, not our feelings. The fact that I'm feeling this towards you...it hasn't changed at all, truthfully." He said quietly, stroking the blonde's hair. He hated it, thinking that this might happen...that it would. He remembered like in a dream what he had been like, following around on Sesshomaru and Mello's heels. It made him tremble with self-loathing, feeling genuinely sick as he dropped his head against the blonde's shoulder.

"Fuck...I don't...want to lose this."

"I don't either," Mello said quietly. "But..."

But what? The plain truth was that in his current state, he wanted Kadaj to be close. He wanted to be cared for by him and to care for him, and above all else, he just wanted to keep feeling that gentle comfort that only the remnant could bring him.

Mello raised a hand to run his fingers through Kadaj's hair, still slightly wet from the rain. Could he be like Cloud? Kadaj had held him while he cried, stayed close and gentle even through their most violent moments. That was something Mello didn't understand. Even when Mello's heart had given out, Kadaj had been waiting with open arms. Kadaj had already saved him from the wreckage of the cafeteria, brought him to safety, saved his life by draining the poison away...and that was when they were in their normal states of mind.

Kadaj had done a lot, and so much of it had nothing to do with the personality-altering experiment. Was it the fact they had been vampires? Or was Mello really narcissistic enough to feel so much for Kadaj just because of how unbelievably similar they were?

Mello doubted that he'd ever spent so long considering the consequences of a single decision in his life.

"But...do we have a choice?"

"I...don't know." The frustration in his voice was evident. This... was quite possibly the most cruel experiment yet. Even more than the hallucinations, more than the disappearances. If the consortium was capable of giving and taking something like this... It reminded him of just how powerless they all were, toys in the hands of these sick bastards... The remnant shivered.

"If...everything's really going to change then... I don't want to take this...whatever it is, for granted." He said, the thoughtful look on his face tinged with worry. What was this going to mean...? He could almost remember a time when such news would have made him burst into tears. It was a foreign feeling.

"We promised though. Nothing changes that." He added, feeling a little better about it. Even their personalities, or whatever had truly been altered, couldn't change the words they had spoken with such sincerity.

"I don't like lying," Mello hissed quietly, bowing his head. Tears were flowing again. "Even if I apologize to someone for having to kill them, I can't stand lying...especially to you. I only lie if it means my survival is at stake...or if my vengeance is at hand."

He let out a choked noise that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob, but not quite either. He gripped Kadaj's arm tightly, shaking.

"I wasn't lying when I said I wanted to stay with you...I just don't know what will happen when I hate everything again..."

He didn't know who was more unhappy - his regular self, or his experimentally-affected self.

"Mello..." It was almost physically painful to see him hurting like this. The remnant's chest hurt, his whole body tensing up when it became evident that he was trembling. Mello was so upset...it made Kadaj worry about his heart.

He let the blonde hold tight to his arm and pulled him closer, gathering him against his chest and tightening his hold on the trembling man.

"Don't worry about it now. We're together now. Right? This is good enough... maybe these memories are enough to keep us together." He pressed several soft kisses to the top of Mello's head, memorizing the feeling of the soft golden strands.

None of this pain was anything new. It was more than just a series of overreactions. Mello sensed that every doubt, every hint of uncertainty and pain that crossed his mind, was truth hidden behind his true personality. They were tiny, honest variables in his mind, in his life, that his misguided arrogance and shameful pride had blocked from him.

He wasn't sure if he'd ever admit these things on a regular basis, even to himself. He wasn't sure why he was telling Kadaj everything that had ever mattered to him, either. Maybe it was an instinctual trust.

"You'll never be a memory..."

Kadaj was rendered speechless, those words echoing in his head. He had heard them before, or something like it. The remnant found his body trembling violently at the memory of pain unlike he'd ever felt before or since. The feeling of his very cells being ripped asunder...

"Mello..." He breathed, voice trembling in an almost dangerous way.

I'll never be a memory.

He released his hold on Mello to cover his own face, suddenly feeling very afraid. Was it just residue from that time? It took him several long moments to combat it.

"I'm...glad." He said quietly, voice much weaker than he wanted it to be.

Mello could feel Kadaj's body shaking against him before the latter pulled away, hiding his gorgeous face from Mello's wide eyes. Mello put his hands behind him for support as he leaned back, away from Kadaj, his eyes glistening with fresh tears.

"I said something...to hurt you...didn't I?"

Everything he said seemed to trigger something within him. Mello wondered how many of Kadaj's memories of him could possibly be good...

"No, no! You didn't hurt me." Kadaj laughed a bit at the irony. The emotions had been mixed ones, but it wasn't a bad feeling. He wasn't just Sephiroth's vessel...he was more than an empty shell. Mello would remember him. Like Cloud would remember Sephiroth no matter how much he wanted to forget.

"Mello...that... you made me really happy. Sorry. I didn't mean to freak you out." He was laughing now, eyes sparkling from the wetness that had gathered there. The remnant refused to cry though, and wiped at the tears stubbornly.

"I've...waited a long time for someone to tell me that." He wasn't sure how long it had been, but it felt like a life time. The irony was priceless. For that phrase, Sephiroth's words to mean something so different and so precious to him.

Kadaj reached out, wanting to be close to Mello now more than ever, and he wrapped his arms around the blonde's waist, pulling him close and bringing their lips together.

Mello flinched, eyes widening further, when Kadaj laughed. He'd been expecting many things, but that certainly hadn't been one of them. He'd made him...happy? Mello had made Kadaj happy? Then...what were those tears for?

It seemed all too impossible to believe.

Mello made a soft, surprised noise as Kadaj suddenly captured his lips. Blinking back tears, he snaked both arms around Kadaj's neck and shoulders, pulling him close enough to feel the remnant's steady heartbeat against his own chest.

Kadaj hummed softly when he broke the kiss, letting his lips linger against the blonde's. It felt good, so good to know that someone felt that way...that someone would remember him.

Somehow, Mello had known every one of the different kinds of hunger that had been tearing at the remnant's insides. Or maybe he hadn't, but he had managed to feed every last one of them. Kadaj felt almost like he wasn't a remnant, like he was alive... human even. It was different from anything else he'd experienced, and it that was exactly what he needed.

"You're... amazing, Mello." He paused for a moment, their earlier conversation over the network coming back to bother him.

"Is... that other name... is that you?" He asked, eyes full of concern and sincerity.

Mello's lashes fluttered and he exhaled softly, his gaze locked with Kadaj's cool aqua ones.

"Yeah. That's...me." He looked away. "At our orphanage, we had to maintain an alias. Most of us shortened our names to just the first letter. L was L, and Near was N...but I never followed that tradition. I was just "Mello." We were L's children...not biologically, but in the sense that we were his successors. My real name killed me while I tried to prevent Near's real name from being discovered. My real name...was the one that signed my death warrent."

He blinked slowly.

"Mello is an arrogant bastard. But my child self...wasn't. I think the part of me that is gentle and good desperately wants to go by that name, but I guess it doesn't matter now."

Kadaj absorbed that information and tried to remember the foreign syllables. Even then, he had turned the name over in his head for a long time, trying to put a face to the name. He was confused at the time. There was no one by that name.

"Mi...hail." He said, barely above a whisper. It felt...almost like he was touching something holy by saying that name, and Kadaj flushed suddenly, the blush entirely unexpected.

It wasn't a bad feeling. He felt like it gave him some claim on Mello somehow, as though he was the only one who could say that. Maybe it was wrong for him to use that name, but Kadaj wasn't afraid to test it.

"Mihael Keehl," Mello replied, his voice thick with the accent he couldn't shake off upon speaking the cursed name. "It feels foreign on my own lips. I've not been Mihael for a very long time."

The hairs on the back of his neck prickled slightly at a shadow of the anger he'd felt upon the Doctor calling out that name. Anger, and cold fear.

"The Doctor knows...everything about us."

"Let him know. If they keep putting more people in here, we'll find away eventually and they'll bite of more than they can chew." He said, voice more confident than he felt.

Kadaj shifted, stretching out his legs and leaning his back against the edge of the bed. He was quiet for a moment and smiled softly.

"Mihael. Sorry. I like it...I won't say it in front of anyone, okay?" The remnant corrected himself and then found himself reaching out, arms open to Mello. Kadaj wanted him to come to him, wanted him to let him hold him.

Mello looked up solemnly at the correct pronounciation of his name, spoken by the lips of an angel and taking away the effect it would have had if it'd been spoken by anyone else. Mello's eyes glinted and he crawled back into Kadaj's open embrace, head bowed submissively.

"Even if you do...I guess it doesn't matter."

If Kadaj saw him as Mihael, he could be Mihael. Mello would still be Mello.

"No...I think that I'll keep this for myself. It's precious." He said, definitely settled on that. Mihael was his. No one else could have him. Kadaj sighed and nuzzled against the top of Mello's head, loving the feeling of him so close, submissive in his arms.

"Let's not waste it...this time we have together. If next week might take it from us..." He didn't want to think about it. Kadaj tightened his grip on Mello and kissed the top of his head. The gesture was something that he found himself doing a lot, and it was comforting. He wondered if Mello had come to expect that from him.

"Precious?" Mello whispered. "Something about me is precious?"

For once, it was something other than his intelligence. That made his eyes twinkle, and he closed them, gratefully leaning his head against Kadaj's shoulder.

"Even if this doesn't fade when the experiment does...we might...still be taken from each other at any given time, huh?"

The thought made his heart jerk painfully. He flinched.

"I don't want that."

"Something...? Everything, Mello." He knew he was biased, that no one else would feel that way. It didn't bother him at all though. Kadaj had never thought like others. It just wasn't in his DNA, and in some sense it made him happy if he could be able to find something this beautiful in Mello that no one else could see. It made this even more special.

"I... hope that this doesn't change. But beyond that, I'll fight. I'll fight as hard as I can so that we don't get taken from each other... even if we can't do anything...I won't let go." He said, moving his hands to caress the blonde's face.

There was a moment of quiet before he spoke again.

"There's got to be a way out...but I won't let myself despair. I won't take anything for granted."

Mello moved his head to nuzzle Kadaj's hand affectionately, a soft sigh passing over his lips.

"Nor will I. Not anymore...and after this experiment, hopefully never again..."

He watched Kadaj cautiously, his eyes bright and hopeful. This was a new feeling...to be able to put so much trust into someone, especially someone who had been a stranger not three weeks ago, was shocking. A flickering smile touched his mouth.

"I told you I was coming over to make you feel better." Kadaj sighed and leaned his head back against the edge of the bed. There was something warm, safe about being wrapped around Mello like this.

"Mihael, I always want you to be content like this. It's a tall order, but I'll do my best." He chuckled lightly and gave Mello a squeeze around the middle.

The remnant was having trouble putting a name to what he was feeling. This week had flipped everything around, given him the confidence to act on things he normally wouldn't have ever considered. In the end, this may have been a great gift...but it could still so easily be taken away.

Kadaj reached down and lifted Mello's chin, planting a lingering kiss on his lips.

Mello tilted his head, giving Kadaj full access to him. He couldn't help but to smile into the kiss, so gentle and caring that he almost wanted to pull away from fear, but he resisted the urge.

The addiction had, for him at least, now fully developed, and Mello was mildly amused at how fast everything had happened, and how honest it all was. Everything was silver and gold.

Mello brushed his fingers through the silver lightly, eyes half-open and drinking in Kadaj's image.

Seeing that supreme, almost divine happiness on Mello's features was a great reward. It was all worth it... in some way, he felt like this was the only service that he could offer to the blonde, the only way that he could do anything for him.

Kadaj felt a shadow of his old self, how he wanted so desperately to give Mello what he wanted. If only he could be there and keep this feeling alive for the other man, then maybe he could learn to put up with himself.

"Fuck... I have to admit I don't want to think about this being over." He buried his face in Mello's hair, breathing his scent and clinging to him tightly.

Mello turned his head so that his face was buried in Kadaj's chest. His ear was pressed firmly against Kadaj's soft heartbeat, absorbing it, willing it to keep going forever.

"I don't, either. I like this too much..."

He loved how tightly Kadaj was holding him. There was a brief moment where he feared he may have fallen apart if Kadaj let go, and he pressed closer, just in case.

"Then...we just won't let it." Kadaj said, sounding more confident than he felt. It was easy to make up your mind about something and make a decision, right? The remnant probably knew that better than most. He combed his hands through the ends of Mello's hair.

There was a lot of things that he should have been worried about: This place did something to people, made them desperate for companionship since there wasn't anything else to do. He had ignored that with Sesshomaru but now, holding Mello against him, the thought was haunting. Was this all just a trick of the mind? He refused it. Denied it with all of his strength.

"Mello...Mihael... If we hold on tight enough... maybe this feeling...maybe it'll stay." He hoped that his point got across, but he was so deep, so lost in Mello that he wasn't sure.

"Kadaj," Mello murmured softly, his mind working through solutions in a gentle flow. "Even if things change...you know, after the event...will you wait for me? I mean...I'm not entirely sure...if we'll like each other or hate each other, but if you can...wait. Please?"

He was shaking, truly afraid of losing the trust and comfort he found in Kadaj. It had all happened very fast, and if the past entries were any indication, Mello would fight it off tooth and nail once he was back to normal.

Kadaj closed his eyes and idly drew patterns on the blonde's neck with a finger as he spoke, staring at the top of his head like he was mesmerized. What did it mean, when he asked him to wait...? Kadaj had waited before, he had been left behind every time. It was hard to make this agreement with Mello. Not Mello...he had to believe in him, had to believe that he wouldn't leave him.

"I'll wait. I promise I'll wait for you...even...if... even if you hate me." He said, hating those words when he said them. Kadaj would hold himself to it, but he was afraid... some deep part of him that could reach the surface felt like crying. How could he stand it if Mello pushed him away...? He'd just have to hold on even if the blonde tried to pry him off.

Mello wound his arms around Kadaj tightly and pulled him close, so close that their bodies likely would have melted together if they'd been anything but solid. Mello was unprepared for the agreement; when he'd make the weak request, he didn't know what to expect, but for Kadaj to make that promise touched him, and he broke down completely, crying into Kadaj's chest.

He'd seen what had happened with Sesshomaru. Despite anything that happened with those two, Kadaj had left Sesshomaru for Mello when he'd been neglected by the former...if Mello was the one to neglect him, would Kadaj leave again?

Maybe the promise was sincere...God, Mello hoped so...

"Shh..." Kadaj cradled the thin blonde against his chest, swaying a little bit as he ran his fingers along the older man's spine. He wanted to comfort him, and could barely comprehend all of the tears that the blonde had shed.

It was so hard to keep his mind wrapped around everything. This had happened so quickly, but the addiction to Mello was undeniable. Even before this switch, he couldn't remember any resentment towards the blonde... The remnant shifted to make them both a little more comfortable and continued to rub Mello's back.

"..It's okay." He hoped that this promise could be kept. At least he knew that it came from his true desires, not from his desire to be controlled or to offer himself to someone in authority. It came only from his desire to see Mello be happy, and because Mello made him happy. Kadaj clung to that realization and tried to hold tight to it.

Mello made a miserable, muffled noise against Kadaj's chest, trying to stop his tears to little effect. He nestled closer to the warmth and comfort, sighing shakily as he attempted to calm down.

"I didn't dislike you at all before the experiment," he managed, his voice raw. "I really didn't...if anything, you were one of the first people I've ever considered my friend...especially here..."

He closed his eyes tiredly.

"I don't...want to lose that..."

"Mello...Mello..." He frantically tried to comfort the man in his arms. Kadaj hated him being upset, hated seeing him hurting and not being able to do a damn thing. The silver-haired teenager lifted Mello's face again, his thumbs brushing scar tissue on one side and soft skin on the other.

"Are you...really that afraid of this...? I believe in you Mello. You're the first person to ever stop and listen to me. The first person who's ever understood me... what it's like..." His gaze was firm, expression serious. It was all he could do to offer this reassurance.

"What can I do...to make you feel better, to make you stop worrying?" He asked gently, kissing away the blonde's tears. He pulled away, tasting salt on his lips. "Just name it."

Mello pushed Kadaj's hands away from his face and moved forward to bury his eyes in Kadaj's chest again, desperate for that comfort above all else.

"Just don't leave...no matter what I do...I'm addicted, too..."

He felt as though he needed Kadaj there. He'd definitely needed the presence of someone like him for a very long time, but they were so similar, and understood each other better than anyone. Kadaj knew Mello better than Near, or even L himself, and that thought made Mello's tears stop.

"Okay. I can do that at least." He sighed, relaxing and letting Mello lean into his chest. If there was anything he could do, staying by the man's side was easy. It was almost selfish, that he loved the other's presence so much.

Stay with me... It felt so good that he could say such a thing. No one had ever wanted Kadaj...

"Not even my own mother wanted me..." He scoffed against Mello's hair, stroking it slowly. The irony was almost painful.

"I'll never know if mine truly did," Mello said softly, "but being an orphan teaches you to be alone, even when you're surrounded by other people. Blood doesn't mean anything. Strangers are the ones who become friends or enemies, or fall in love, or join up to fight side by side...I'd rather have a friend than a mother..."

Kadaj's gentle movements threatened to lull Mello to sleep. He exhaled quietly, his body relaxed against the younger boy's. The honesty in his words was completely pure.

"You're wearing yourself out." He sighed, and began to shift, getting up on his knee and hooking his arm under Mello's legs, making a soft sound of effort as he lifted the blonde and transferred him to the bed. Kadaj climbed up next to him, propping himself up on one arm.

"Relax...close your eyes." The remnant said gently, smoothing the golden strands that fell onto the pillow.

A soft whimper escaped Mello's lips and he glanced back at Kadaj sleepily, his eyes screaming for an escape from his exhaustion. He watched his companion cautiously for a few moments, taking in the sight of someone hovering over him, coaxing him to sleep, stroking his hair...the faintest ghost of a smile touched his lips.

"If I do, will you still be here when I open them again?"

"I'll be here." He had told Sesshomaru that he'd check on him but...

"Don't worry." The remnant said gently. He was still bemused... Mello clinging like this was interesting. Before, Kadaj had had to all but beg for him to stay with him when he had been upset.

Kadaj began to realize what all of this meant. Maybe Mello was one of those people who built walls between himself and what he wanted, what he really felt. If that was the case, then he really had wanted Kadaj all along. There had been an almost supernatural connection from the start, and the remnant had been aware of it. Had Mello felt it too, the thread of their similarities?

"I'm going to hold you until you make me stop..." He said, more weight in his words than he wanted there to be.

"I won't," Mello said meekly. "I don't want you to."

Kadaj's presence meant everything that mattered. Safety. Comfort. Trust. Loyalty.

"But you don't have to stay. Not if you don't want to."

Even his most possessive side was rendered submissive by the experiment. Mello vaguely sensed that his true self would have demanded one of the extremes, for Kadaj to leave, or stay. In his current state, however, he couldn't bring himself to be that strong and confident. Not against Kadaj.

He sighed gently, eyes closed.

"You know I want to stay..." Kadaj laughed lightly and watched Mello's face as he closed his eyes. He looked so quiet, peaceful even. That was something that wasn't true often enough. He was beautiful, almost cherubic like this...

The remnant closed his eyes, trying to forget about all of the things that were going to come back to haunt him very soon. This wasn't something he wanted to spoil.