Messages in a Dysfunctional Workplace

Disclaimer: Neither Black-Dranzer-1119 or Jesus-of-suburbia2o2o own Death Note or anything else referenced in this fic, but they very much wish they did

Host: The insane minds of Black-dranzer-1119 and Jesus-of-suburbia2o2o proudly present to you their first truly co-authored fic and it is even more insane than the other ones. So what are your thoughts on your first co-authored piece?

Jesus-of-suburbia2o2o: Since it's technically our first, I'd say it's very awesome. You just have to love Pervert!L and Naive!Light.... and what's this about a Pervert!Matsuda?

Black-dranzer-1119: Very... VERY scary. Are you sure he's not gay?

Host: I guess that will be one of the many questions that will be answered in this fic.

Jesus-of-suburbia2o2o: Hehehe, we're not even sure if Matsuda's gay... but we can wave the magic wand and make it so. Because we're the freaking writers, man.

Guest: Ermm....

Host: As you can tell we have an anonymous guest here with us today... who is actually looking rather scared. So tell us what did you think of the preview you have read?

Guest: At first I was nervous.... and I'm still nervous. How is L going to seduce Light?

Jesus-of-suburbia2o2o: Well, read on, dear Guest.... read on.

Host: Ok, I bet you all can't wait to start reading this fantastic story that will be sure to have you all laughing your heads or ...*cough* going insane. We will be back at the end of this chapter. Enjoy!

***

To: Light-kun
From: Ryuuzaki
Subject: Hello Light.
Light......................................... I'm thinking of you.

To: Ryuuzaki
From: Light
Subject: Re: Hello Light.
Shouldn’t you be working right now?

To: Light-kun
From: Ryuuzaki
Subject: Maybe...
Surely I can work, Light-kun but not the kind of work you have in mind. We are... but your pretty face is distracting me.

To: Ryuuzaki
From: Light
Subject: Re: Maybe...
Um... thanks, I guess. But seriously Ryuuzaki, I thought you were serious about catching Kira so stop joking around. The sooner we catch Kira, the sooner my name will be cleared so if you're not going to work fine but at least let me do so.

To: Light-kun
From: Ryuuzaki
Subject: Pushover!
We are serious. I am preoccupied and horny. I'll work ten times as better if you come with me to the nearest closet. It'll only take a half an hour.

To: Ryuuzaki
From: Light
Subject: Re: Pushover!
Way too much information, Ryuzaki. Anyway I thought I was talking about you. The rest of the team is working great. I think even Matsuda has done more work than you! Why do we need to go to a closet anyway?

To: Light-kun
From: Ryuuzaki
Subject: Because.
There could be more information, like right now I'm thinking about walking a chain length away and kissing you senseless while I am preoccupied and horny. Matsuda can't do more work than me because I am L and L is the leader. And leaders can have sex breaks in closets. Closets are dangerous. Do you have a preferred location?

To: Ryuuzaki
From: Light
Subject: Confused
Ryuuzaki, are you feeling okay? I mean are you eating too much sugar or not enough or what? And yes Matsuda is doing more work than you as all you have been doing is stare at me for the last few hours and eat cake. By the way do you happen to remember the little person named Misa? Because I have a date with her in a few minutes and I want to get this thing finished. So stop bugging me about being *shudder*... horny.

To: Light-Chan
From: Ryuuzaki
Subject: Re: Confused.
I am feeling perfectly fine.
...
...
DON'T FUCKING GO!!!!!!!!!! CANCEL IT AND MOVE FOR TOMORROW! YOU'RE ALL MINE TODAY!!!!!!! And I will not stop bugging you until you 'scratch my itch'.

To: Ryuuzaki
From: Light
Subject: Are you sure?
I can't cancel it because I have already cancelled it three times. Anyway I may be your suspect in the Kira case but it's not like you own me or anything.
Ps. Scratch your own itch. I think you old enough to do it yourself. I thought I told you to stop bugging me. Thanks to you now I have even more work to catch up on tonight. Looks like Misa's here.

***

To: Light-Kun 345-2949 ((AN: random number))
Sender: RESTRICTED
Light, do you even know what 'scratching my itch' even means?

To: Restricted
Sender: Light 345-2949
That you have a skin irritation that you wish to get rid of by grazing your nails over the skin in order for the pain to distract you from the itch. Stop texting me, Misa will notice and I am quite prepared to blame you after the stunt you pulled earlier.

To: Light-Kun 345-2949
Sender: Restricted
No. If I scratched THAT itch, I would be making inappropriate noises that include moaning wantonly and panting heavily. That's why I need you to do it, because Light-kun's anal cavity is a very good scratcher. And she's a stupid bitch and won't notice a thing.
... Light, if you come home and sit on my lap we can talk about the first thing that pops up!

To: Restricted
Sender: Light 345-2949
How would my 'anal cavity' be any good at scratching that itch? If you get so worked up over scratching yourself then have Watari supervise me and Misa while you take care of it. Why would I need to sit in you your lap to talk to you? How old do you think I am... five? Also, stop insulting Misa.

To: Light-Kun 345-2949
Sender: Restricted
GD FCKING DMMIT, Light. I want sex with you. My genitals are very antsy and excited (THE ITCH *cough*) and your anal cavity is the only think that can satisfy my genital itch. For an eighteen year old male, you are very naive.
*face palm* Hey baby, wanna play lion? You kneel over there and I'll toss you my meat.
And I will not stop insulting Misa.

To: Restricted
Sender: Light 345-2949
UMMMMMM....... Ryuuzaki what on Earth are you talking about? I am your suspect remember?! And could you stop talking about your genitals already?! What's with the whole lion thing anyway?

To: Light-Kun 345-2949
Sender: Restricted
Never mind then. Light, I need you to come home... now... There are 265 bones in the human body. Want another one?

To: Restricted
Sender: Light 345-2949
Does that mean you letting me go home and see mum and Sayu? There are actually only 206 and no, I don't want to be a mutant.

To: Oh Naive One 345-2949
Sender: Restricted
That's the last thing I'm letting you do. Hi, are you a screamer or a moaner?

To: Restricted
Sender: Light 345-2949
I seriously don't get what you are going on about today. What do you mean am I a screamer or a moaner?

To: Oh Naive One 345-2949
Sender: Restricted
Nothing's going on except what's in my pants. Hey, you're good at math, right? Isn't 69 a perfect square?

To: Restricted
Sender: Light 345-2949
What? Do you keep your phone in there? Anyway 69 isn’t a square number and you should know that already, genius.

To: Oh Naive One 345-2949
Sender: Restricted
You know, you're right, I should put my phone in there; I've always wanted a vibrator. Want to see why they call me tripod?

To: Restricted
Sender: Light 345-2949
What do you mean you want a vibrator? What for? Do they call you that because you like cameras? That would explain a few things…

To: Oh Naive One 345-2949
Sender: Restricted
Never mind. No they do not. They call me that for another reason entirely. I want to take my extension cord and stick it all the way up your electrical outlet.
Oh and when are you coming back? Will you come for me?

To: Restricted
Sender: Light 345-2949
Thanks a lot. Now because of you texting me I have to go on a movie date with Misa. I hope you hate Barbie. What electrical outlet? If I remember correctly this is your building. Anyway now that Misa is gone I better finish that work that you kept stopping me from doing.

***

Ryuuzaki says:
Light-kun, my name is Haywood. Haywood Jablome.

Light says:
Would you tell me how you pronounce that?

Light says:
And after that stop bugging me I have way too much work to do and you're not helping.

Ryuuzaki says:
You pronounce it like Hey. Would. You. Blow. Me. And are you a horse?

Light says:
Strange name. I think I will stick to calling Ryuuzaki and no last time I checked I am human. Stop asking me stupid questions already.

Ryuuzaki says:
Light-kun, if you are not a horse, can I ride you anyway? And my name is Ryuuzaki and I do not have a gag reflex.

Light says:
So I guess choking you on that lolly pop won't work. Could you at least pretend to be doing something constructive?

Light says:
And I am not a damn horse

Ryuuzaki says:
Ha-ha, can I just suck on your lollipop? I know you have one; you don't need to hide it from me. I am doing something constructive, can't you see my erection?! And I never said you were one. All I'm saying is… did you know you can feel your pulse in your groin? I'm willing to test it on you. For free...!

Light says:
I don't like sweets so why would I being carrying a lollipop around with me? I can see your building, I am in it after all but that has been long finished so you 'were' doing something constructive but not anymore. You can also test you pulse in your neck and wrist but my heart rate is fine so no thanks.

Ryuuzaki says:
I put one tear drop in the ocean. I won't stop loving you until you find that tear drop.

Light says:
Ryuuzaki what are you saying?

Ryuuzaki says:
That's as obvious as it gets. Clarinets are wood and trumpets are horny, but a Ryuuzaki can do it in 7 positions.

Light says:
Do what?

Ryuuzaki says:
I'll give you a hint. If I were to rearrange the alphabet I would put 'you' between F and CK.

Light says:
fyouck???

Ryuuzaki says:
*bangs head against wall* did the sun just come out or did you just smile at me?

Light says:
No. It is three in the afternoon and I am getting more pissed off at you by the second. Let me do my work.

Ryuuzaki says:
May I help?

Light says:
Fine!

Ryuuzaki says:
*wiggles eyebrows* Annnny problem you may have?

Light says:
You can start by checking over that list of people Mogi just brought up and cross reference them with the pile that Aizawa will bring up in a minute.

Ryuuzaki says:
I mean more... personal problems. If Kira was to suddenly kill Misa, I'm the shoulder you can cry on.

Light says:
Why would Kira kill Misa?

Ryuuzaki says:
Because he wants to be my only rival?

Light says:
But she isn't a criminal and if she is then she would be the second Kira who is helping Kira.

Ryuuzaki says:
Are you gay?

Light says:
No I am not feeling very happy at the moment. As I keep saying if you aren't going to help keep quiet so I can.

Ryuuzaki says:
Are you homosexual?

Light says:
NO!!!

Ryuuzaki says:
Have you ever tried it, Light-kun? Would you like to?

Light says:
No I am completely uninterested.

Ryuuzaki says:
Before you, I thought I was straight too. Even geniuses can be proven wrong.

Light says:
You better not let my Dad find out or he will probably kill you himself.

Ryuuzaki says:
Find out about us or about me?

Light says:
You're the pervert.

Ryuuzaki says:
Tell me, how did you come up with that conclusion?

Light says:
For starters you claim to have an attraction to me you have consistently invented situations where it requires you to see me naked. You even forced me to go through a rectum check to make sure 'I hadn't put anything up there'.

Ryuuzaki says:
Light, if I were to go over to your chair and kiss you sweetly, then go back my chair, what would you do?

Light says:
You would risk your life by kissing me in front of my father and the rest of the investigation team?

Ryuuzaki says:
If it meant that I got to die happy, then yes.

Light says:
Then I would probably punch you.

Ryuuzaki says:
Come on, what if you liked it?

Light says:
Why on Earth would I like you kissing me?

Ryuuzaki says:
Because you're secretly gay?

Light says:
Now you're just being ridiculous

Ryuuzaki says:
Let's be hypothetical. Say you like it. What would you do? (Oh, if you don't answer, Light-kun, up 34%)

Light says:
How does that make me Kira?

Ryuuzaki says:
Because you're failing to answer a question. I am L, so I can ask any question and expect an answer.

Light says:
That doesn't even make sense!

Ryuuzaki says:
You're not answering my goddamn question. If you don't answer, we'll stop being hypothetical and I'll get with the experimental.

Light says:
I'm not answering because I already know that I won't like it.

Ryuuzaki says:
I'm going to try it now.

Light says:
Don't even think about it.

----Seven minutes later----

Ryuuzaki says:
Judging by your stunned expression-- you liked it.

Light says:
What do you mean you think I liked it! If Aizawa wasn't holding my arm right now I would be making those bruises around your eyes even bigger.

Ryuuzaki says:
While you're doing that, there's something else that wants to get bigger. We both have one.

Light says:
What... a brain? Because I think yours has shrunk in the last day or so.

Ryuuzaki says:
Wrong again =D Do you need a hug?

Light says:
NO. I. DO. NOT. NEED. A. HUG!

Ryuuzaki says:
You're in denial. That's okay. I can do many other things besides kiss.

Light says:
You’re the one that's in denial Ryuuzaki.

Ryuuzaki says:
You'll be screaming that later.

Light says:
In your dreams

Ryuuzaki says:
And in yours. What if I told you that I loved you?

Light says:
I would know that you are only saying that to get close to me so that I will 'confess' to being Kira.... WHICH I AM NOT!

Ryuuzaki says:
... That hurt.

Light says:
The truth often does, bastard.

Ryuuzaki says:
That wasn't the truth at all. That's a blatant lie. I couldn't do that to you.

Light says:
You're saying you meant it when you told me I was you're first friend?

Ryuuzaki says:
Why wouldn't I?

Light says:
Because I am your prime suspect and you want me to be Kira.

Ryuuzaki says:
You're my first friend and my best rival. Surely we can add 'lovers' to the list?

Light says:
NO!!

Light says:
Because then I would have to trust you.

Ryuuzaki says:
...
*is inwardly sobbing*

Light says:
I won't allow myself to manipulated by you Ryuuzaki.

Ryuuzaki says:
What if I can prove it's not manipulation? Or, if you would prefer, we can have sex once with no ties.

Light says:
AS IF I WOULD GIVE UP MY VIRGINITY JUST TO HAVE FUCK WITH SOMEONE WHO WOULD QUITE EASILY SENTENCE ME TO DEATH!

Light says:
I mean…

Ryuuzaki says:
Sorry. We don't have to speak of this again. I'm sorry for any inconvenience. I'm going back to work.

***Ryuuzaki has logged off***

***Light has logged off***

***

Host: Ok, welcome back. I hope you all enjoyed reading the first chapter of this story. Unfortunately that is all we have time for today but it would be very much appreciated if you leave a review on the way out.