A Brother\'s Love

I felt ridiculous, and a mad red blush was engulfing my cheeks. Kosuke laughed in glee, and I turned to glare at her. “If I’m so funny, maybe I won’t help you at all,” I was trying to joke, but the words sounded more serious than I’d intended.

“No my Lord, it’s not that. It’s just that seeing you… dressed as me… is so unusual.” Now she blushed.

I couldn’t deny it though, it was strange. “Well, you know how much I care for you now, that I’ll do something like this for you. You better get going, remember, the longer Lady Kosuke is missing, the longer Lord Yukimura is missing. I can’t vanish for too long.”

Kosuke bowed low to me, her characteristic thin smile glimmering. “Thank you my Lord, I am forever in your debt.” And she turned and rushed out of the room.

I sighed to myself. I couldn’t believe I was doing this for her, pretending that I was gone missing, and she was here as always, being the proper lady she was expected to be when she wasn’t me. It was too bizarre.

I didn’t know the peasant girl Kosuke had gone to meet with, apparently she was a laundry woman that Kosuke found herself drawn to. It was impossible for my dear body double to do anything of her own accord; she wasn’t her own person. I cared about her too much to watch her pine and suffer though, so I had suggested this plan, and we followed through with it, leaving me in a lady’s kimono, alone in our joint rooms.

If asked, I was to say that I (Yukimura) was off wooing the village girls. It certainly would not have been the first time I’d snuck out of the palace grounds to do so, but it was for Kosuke. I just hoped that she would return soon.

Time passed slowly, and I decided it wouldn’t hurt anything if I made my way to the kitchens, picked up some food and maybe some sake. We were still young, and I knew that it was hard enough for me to acquire my sake in the middle of the day, but I wasn’t sure about Kosuke. Very few things seemed off limit to her. On one hand she was just a servant, but on the other she was treated with all the dignity of a noblewoman. I hadn’t really spent much time thinking on it, but her life had to be very complicated indeed.

In the kitchens, the servants took little notice of me, a comfort, because I wasn’t sure if I could speak like Kosuke. To my delight, I easily grabbed a bottle of sake and stuffed it up my sleeve. Maybe today didn’t have to be so bad after all. After eating some I felt much better about the situation than I had before. I turned down the hallway, intent on returning to our rooms, and waiting for Kosuke to return, so I could go back to being a boy.

That was when things began to get all mixed up.

It was my old nanny. She’d never liked Kosuke, maybe she was jealous because a common born girl was treated to a noble life, or maybe it was difficult enough to keep after me, nonetheless two of me. Whatever the case, I knew it was bad news when I ran into her.

“Kosuke, Lord Nuboyuki is looking for his younger brother, find Yukimura and bring him in!”

“Lord Yukimura is… gone. I tried to stop him Ayumi, but he wouldn’t stay. He promised he would not be gone long though…” For the first time in my privileged young life, I was slapped across my face.

“What do you mean you insolent brat? Yukimura can’t just leave, you know that!” And with a smirk of satisfaction, she grabbed my arm and dragged me down the hall. I was shocked from the slap, and enraged that anyone would dare to treat my closest friend this way. I wondered what else Kosuke went through silently, never saying a word to even me, close as we were.

We wound up outside my brothers apartments, and my gut dropped a little. He would know, I knew he would know. And then, what would Nuboyuki do, seeing his younger brother dressed like this? He always teased me, first because I was father’s favorite, then because my body double was a girl. He’d called me his little sister as long as I could remember, and a shame tinged rage grew in my veins.

Respectfully Ayumi knocked, and we were beckoned inside. My brother still donned his night clothes, and he appeared to have just gotten out of bed. “Ayumi, I sent for Yukimura, not her. There are some things still that he can deal with on his own, don’t you think?” Nuboyuki sounded bored and frustrated, but Ayumi couldn’t care less, probably because she remembered pulling him into this world, bloody and screaming, from between our mother’s legs.

“She says that she let Yukimura leave, but not to worry, he’ll be back soon,” I was aghast, because there was really nothing Kosuke could do to stop me if ever she were so inclined, and to insinuate that she could just wasn’t fair. “I brought her to you, because I didn’t want to trouble your father with her, he’s far too busy to concern himself with punishing this little whelp. Now, if you’ll pardon me, I believe I should send some men to find your brother.”

“Don’t bother, no need to disgrace whatever poor village girl he’s defiling. He’ll be back, and I will deal with him then. As for now, I need to speak with Kosuke, so you may go.” Hearing them speak of me in this way, I hung my head in shame. I instantly felt guilty for all the poor village girls I could never keep, and I’d left crying in heaps, carrying bastard Sanadas into the future. I was incredibly indignant when Ayumi shut the door.

“So, Lady Kosuke, how long has my little brother been sneaking away like this anyway? Don’t you know it’s your job to protect him? How can you do that when he’s out causing problems?” As Nuboyuki spoke, he stepped closer to me, his eyes cold and predatory.

“I cannot dissuade Lord Yukimura, when he gets an idea in his head there’s nothing anyone can do. I apologize my Lord, I will try harder in the future.” I bowed my head, and backed toward the door. Nuboyuki put his hands on my shoulders, effectively stopping me. The look in Nuboyuki’s eyes froze my blood, and I truly regretted the arrangement that had landed me here. My heart stopped when my brother leaned in and pressed his mouth against mine.

“My Lord! Surely you would not push yourself on me? I am practically your sister!” I tried to summon tears, but I was too terrified. Since my childhood I’d been trained to fight, with or without a weapon, but now I wasn’t even myself, I was a girl. If it was uncovered that it was truly me here, and Kosuke was the one out taking advantage of village girls, there would be hell to pay. I couldn’t let that sort of trouble befall my devoted body double, but I stumbled into the wall away from my brother anyway.

“Push myself on you? I will not ‘push’ myself on you. I’ll merely give you orders, as you are a servant, and not my sister at all. My little brother may treat you as an equal, but you are not. You are not a Sanada. Not even close.” Nuboyuki lunged for me, and I sidestepped as quickly as I could.

In sparring, my brother often defeated me, but barely. We were an even match, born with swords in our hands, thrown into a ring to constantly compete for the love of our father. I’ll never know if it was good or bad luck that when I dodged, my brother smashed face first into the wall. If I’d been faster, more maneuverable in women’s clothing, I could have gotten away, but I stumbled, and Nuboyuki landed atop me, in a sick fury.

I kicked and screamed and tried to bite, and Nuboyuki wrestled his hand up my legs, trying to rip apart my clothes. On my belly, I could only ineffectually stutter and make empty threats, and try to stave off hysteria as I felt my brothers cock prod against the small of my back. I thrashed and wriggled, and to no avail.

In moments I will never forget, the silk of Kosuke’s kimono ripped, the sound harsh and loud in my ears, and tears blurred my eyes. “No No No Nuboyuki stop! Don’t do this!” I was naked, and my brother nipped at my throat, not having yet seen the obvious. He ran his hands up my flailing arms, keeping me down with his weight. “Please Nuboyuki, don’t! We’re brothers!”

He grabbed me by the hair on the back of my head, and slammed my face into the floor, growling in a rage. Then he flipped me over and saw.

Though my eyes were puffy from crying, and my head rang from the blow, I could see the look of utter disgust on my brother’s face, he’d been about to rape me, not Kosuke. I thought it was over, Nuboyuki would let me up and apologize, or threaten to tell father, or something. I would have never expected what did come next.

“So, you want to be a girl?” My brother’s face went very dark, his blue eyes clouding to black. I heaved away from him in terror, but to no avail. Nuboyuki hooked my legs up with his arms, smashing them back into my torso. My knees were pinned by his shoulders, and he caught my wrists deftly and held them above my head. With one hand, he pulled himself loose of the layers of clothing that contained him, and pushed with angry force into me. I squealed in sickened pain.

Again I tried to bite him, my teeth catching his collarbone. I couldn’t deter him though, Nuboyuki was mad with rage. He panted a litany of years of hatred into my hair, and I shrank within. For years his resentment had built. I was father’s favorite, but he was the first born, the heir. Even though he was the heir, I had the Juuyuushii to protect me. Women fell head over heels for me, and I was not even quite a man yet. Men admired me. But mostly, behind all the other reasons and all the other problems, it was father. Father loved me more. Nuboyuki matched his hatred to our father’s love, and beat into me as hard and unyielding as he could.

The sounds of my own cries were no longer so loud in my ears, and I tried not to look at my brother, I didn’t want to see the rage that held me here. My stomach flopped and I felt myself ripping around him, my wrists bruising beneath his fingers. I think I begged, but I’ll never know if it was out loud or not. I tried to leave, to meditate, to sink into oblivion.

My brother’s spittle dripped on my face, and I cringed. A new string of crying erupted from me, and Nuboyuki just thrust into me harder and harder. Then, as quickly as it had all begun, he slumped against me, his sweat soaking into my skin. His cock throbbed inside me, twitching two, three times, then stopped.

Lightly, Nuboyuki kissed my forehead.

“I love you Yukimura, you know that? I will always love you.”

Nuboyuki stood up and wiped his face and wilting length with the shreds of Kosuke’s kimono. He pushed his hair back from his face, and I cried as I watched him. “You know you can’t tell anyone, it would bring shame on all the family,” this was the last thing my brother said to me, as he rearranged his clothing and walked out of the room.

I lay on the floor crying for some time longer, hating how true Nuboyuki’s last statement was. There was nothing I could do. At length, I rolled onto my side, trying to push myself up, and spotted the guilty bottle of sake that had led so unknowingly to my rough deflowering. I gripped it with clumsy hands, and slowly gained my feet.

Nuboyuki’s rooms were not far at all from mine and Kosuke’s, but I was afraid to step into the hall in such a state. Though disgusted by the idea, I stole some of my brother’s clothes, and gagged on the scent of him they held.

Without incident I made it to my own bed, and fresh tears awakened from my eyes. I slumped onto the mattress, gently mindful of the abrasions and cuts covering my body. I ached in my gut, and I could feel blood and my brother’s seed seeping out of me, but I lay still for some time and tried not to think.

By the time Kosuke returned, I had drank the bottle of sake, and settled into her bed. She never asked what happened, but with a small cry of terror flung herself at me, and wrapped me in her arms. Hot tears pattered from her eyes to the top of my head, dampening my hair, and I held onto her as though she was life itself.

I did not leave our chambers for days, and Kosuke stood in for me completely. No one knew the difference, not even my father. The physical wounds began to heal, but whenever I knew some event or other involved being near my brother, Kosuke would attend to it. Even soft and beautiful as she was, she could harden her pretty face into that of a samurai warrior, and betray nothing.

Kosuke protected me, healed me, and never ever brought the incident up.

The things we did for each other, the things we were glad to do, and never mentioned, that was love. As I’d fall into sleep at night, holding onto Kosuke for dear life and sanity, I was able to push the demons away, and feel at least some joy, that such a wonderful woman could care about me, who I really was, because of everyone, only she really knew.