The Youkai Inside You

Chapter 1


Blood. There was so much blood. On his clothes and hands, the crimson heat covered him. He even thought he could taste the coppery red liquid on his tongue, yet was too possessed with fury to care. He felt the knife ripping through the youkai's gut with a satisfying wrench of the blade he held tight in his fist. More life blood spilled over his hand, and he kicked the body back onto the floor where it landed in a heap next to other slaughtered wastes of flesh.

The night cried with a storm that only seemed to get wilder as he progressed through the castle. Lightening flashed through the window to give him a better view of the carnage he was inflicting. He walked through pooled blood to move on into another room where one of the pathetic excuses for a living being cowered in a corner with his hands over his head. He started to scream as soon as he was heard entering. He would have smiled at the sound if he had been inclined to, but he wasn't without heart like them. No, not like these youkai who took his lover from their home and dragged her away to this place of terror. He didn't waste time and cut off his screams with a deep slash across his throat. The gurgling sounds only lasted a moment before the youkai toppled over dead.

He had lost count of how many he killed. How was one supposed to have the mind to do that when they were murdering one after the other? How many really didn't matter when they all deserved to die. Before tonight, he had never had a thought of harming a soul. It was amazing what could motivate a person to kill, but none was stronger than the protection of the ones you loved. Kanan. He loved her like no other and these beasts had brought her here. His precious Kanan, that had never harmed anyone. A kind and gentle woman that would never even speak an unkind word. They took her. They took her.....

The spiraling stairs took him lower into the castle, deep in the dungeons. It was colder here. Dark, foreboding and cruel. As he took his last step off the stairs, he looked at the hallway lined with bars and cells. He knew she was here, her soft cries giving her away. He ran until he saw her and called out. Everything would be okay now. He would break her out of this place and they could run. They could go far away and find a new home away from that damn village that would only be a place of bad memories.

"Gonou!" She hugged him through the bars, her body trembling with cold and fear.

She wasn't sickened by the blood or what he had done. Everything was fine. Everything.

"Gonou.."

They could run. They could forget this happened.

"Kanan." His confusion started when she moved back out of his arms. He didn't even realize she had taken the knife from his belt until she was too far out of reach for him to grab it away.

"I'm sorry, Gonou." The knife went up to her neck.

"No. Kanan, don't!"

Not again. Please. I can't see it again. Make it stop.

"I have to."

"Kanan, no, we can get out of here. What are you doing?!"

Please...no...no...

"Goodbye." She stabbed herself through the throat, a vision he would see over and over again, unable to stop it. He screamed, hand reaching through the bars even as she fell, the light dying in her eyes.

No.

"I'm so happy for you."

God. No, you bastard!

Hakkai's head turned, like it had so many times before to meet the eyes of Chin Yisou.

"Her suffering had finally come to an end."

Blood. There was so much blood.

"No!" Hakkai sat up in bed, gasping for breath and groaning when his old scar ached dully like a rotting tooth. He pressed his hand to stomach and looked out at the storm raging outside his window, letting himself fall back on the bed with a deep, shaky sigh.

"Dammit," he whispered, feeling the threat of tears behind his eyes, but in the end, he stayed their fall. Enough water was falling outside for his taste, and he'd rather stay dry. He closed his eyes and saw the flash of lightening behind them, then counted silently to himself until the thunder rumbled after. Sleep would be impossible.

Hakkai got up and pet Hakuryu at the end of the bed where he was curled up sleeping. He was grateful he hadn't woken his small friend with his yell. He left the bedroom and headed for the kitchen to make tea. Perhaps a nice herbal could help him get back to sleep. Alcohol wouldn't work. He shook his head at the thought as he kept his hands busy. He had never been able to get drunk, and he could never figure out why, but it was something he wasn't concerned over. In fact, he felt that maybe it was luck. After seeing how Gojyo got on those late nights out, he was grateful for this oddity about himself.

He watched the teapot and sighed. This was bothersome. It had been so long since he had been plagued by memories. Chin Yisou was dead and gone. He knew the bastard hadn't used any tricks last time to save his skin. After he killed him for a second time, he was sure this would not rear it's ugly head again. Through the rest of the journey west, and all they way back east again, his mind had been at peace. Everything went back to normal, or as normal as things could go after the minus wave. Some still feared the remaining youkai that were now acting as they had before the catastrophe happened. Who could blame them really? Even he still hated them, and the part of himself that was like them.

The teapot hissed and squealed. He gasped, then shook his head again. He was thinking too much. He took it off the stove and got the cup ready, listening to the storm outside. It was not letting up. Even if he hadn't had that dream again, he would have surely woken with the storm. He sat, stirring a small amount of sugar into the tea, listening to the house creak when a harder gust of wind blew outside. He had a thought, and stopped stirring. Had Gojyo come home? He had went out to the bar earlier, soon after they had eaten dinner, but it hadn't been raining then. Hakkai got up from the table. Best to be sure.

He went back down the hallway and stopped outside his closed bedroom door. He reached to knock, but stopped. He didn't want to wake him if he was in there. He touched the knob. Again, he wasn't sure if he should just open it either. It was a privacy thing, and Hakkai was too polite to interfere with that unless he thought danger was about, and he felt nothing like that in their home. Also, if he had brought a woman home with him, it was absolute that he wouldn't want Hakkai just letting himself in.

"Well, this is a conundrum," he muttered to himself. On one hand, Gojyo was a grown man that could take care of himself. On another, Hakkai had to save his ass on more than one occasion. If he wasn't in this room, then he was still at the bar. Maybe brawling for all he knew. Or he could just be waiting the storm out there before he headed home. He made a decision. He turned the knob and opened the door a crack, just enough to see the bed. It was still made from this morning. He had done it himself too, so he could tell it hadn't been disturbed at all. So he hadn't been home yet. Thunder shook the house again. It was late. Maybe he was with a woman, but just not here. That wouldn't be unreasonable to think.

Hakkai shut the door and walked down the hall again, not toward the kitchen, but to his own room to get dressed. Perhaps he was being too protective, but he thought it best to see if he was still at the bar. Knowing Gojyo, he wouldn't have thought to bring an umbrella. Not like he could sleep anyway. He'd rather go out in this mess than risk having the nightmare again tonight. He let Hakuryu sleep. Not point in all three of them being out in this storm. He pulled on a coat and grabbed two umbrellas for the trip.

The bar was not far from where they lived. Could be the reason why Gojyo went there almost every night. Gojyo had went back to gambling again once they had returned from their journey with Sanzo and Goku. Old habits died hard, but it had probably never really left Gojyo's system. The game was as addictive as the cigarettes he smoked.

When he stepped outside, he could understand why Gojyo probably hadn't tried to venture out to get home. The wind nearly ripped the open umbrella out of his hand, but he clung to it as he locked the door up behind him. He made sure the other umbrella was closed and tucked snugly under his coat before he stepped out for the walk. He couldn't avoid the puddles along the path. The whole area was covered, the rain falling so hard and fast that the ground couldn't soak it up fast enough. And his boots were getting covered in mud as he splashed along. It was a nasty storm. One that was worse than any they had in a long while. It was coming down like it had that night....He stopped the thought, stepping over a puddle. No, that wouldn't help his problem when he analyzed things that way.

Hakkai neared the town, the buildings coming into his sight through a few raindrops that had managed to get past the umbrella onto his glasses. No one was out in this, and he wasn't surprised. No sane person would be, but he had to figure he wasn't completely sane, and here he was, half soaked and shivering in this unforgiving rain that was falling in sheets. He came up to the bar and opened the door, getting in quick to claim some of the warmth that filled the place. A few patrons looked over at him, then went about their business. He looked over at Gojyo's usual corner of the bar and there he was, gambling with a few other men. From the look, he was winning. Two women hovered behind him watching the game, giggling and fawning over the redhead. Yes, all was normal. He felt rather foolish now for coming out.

Gojyo glanced up and saw him, just as he was putting his hand back on the door to go back out. His friend looked confused for a second before he smiled and beckoned him to come over to the table. He had no choice now, so he walked over, dripping rain water all over the floor. No one seemed to mind.

"Glad to see you here for once, Hakkai. Sit down then, since you risked this shit storm to come."

"Well, I don't..

"Sit, man. Have a drink. You're here, aren't ya?"

"I suppose." He sat. No point in upsetting his friend by refusing.

"Come on, Gojyo. Enough talk. You in or out?" one of the men asked gruffly. He looked familiar to Hakkai. Someone he had seen in town before perhaps.

"I'm so in." He showed his cards and both men cursed, throwing their own down on the table amongst the cash that was piled there.

"How about you, buddy? Want a game?"

Hakkai looked over. "What?"

"A game. You want to go a hand?" The man grinned like his night might get luckier now that he found someone other than Gojyo to play.

Gojyo chuckled. "I wouldn't bother, boys. I'm good, but Hakkai here," he smirked, "would gamble the clothes off your backs before you realized what happened."

"Gah, forget it then," the man said and got up. "I need those to get home at least."

"One us will beat you one night, Gojyo. You'll see," the other promised and headed off into the rainy night with his friend.

"Doubtful," Gojyo said and lit a cigarette, pouring him and Hakkai a shot of whiskey.

"Really, Gojyo, I don't want any."

"Drink, you're in a bar. Not like you'll get drunk right?" He smiled.

"Maybe that's the problem," he said softly and drained the shot glass with a quick swallow.

The two women had gone quiet, both of them with a hand on Gojyo's shoulders. Gojyo looked at him, gradually losing his smile. He silently gathered up the money on the table and stuffed most of it in his pockets, then handed some money to the women over his shoulder.

"Ladies, go get yourself something to drink. I need to talk to my friend here, okay?"

"But Gojyo.."

"Go on."

"Okay," they both said in unison, looking rather put out, but they walked over to the bar. One, then the other looked over their shoulder as if they were trying to make sure Gojyo wasn't going to leave without them.

"Really, Gojyo, there is no reason to make them go. I'll head back to the house."

"Why did you come out anyway, by the way?" Gojyo asked and stilled him when he went to get up.

"I don't know. The storm. I know you, and I figured you wouldn't have brought one of these." He took the second Umbrella out from under his coat.

Gojyo laughed a bit. "I don't see the need for one. Look at you. You had one and you still managed to get half soaked."

"It is a bad storm." He nodded soft, looking at the empty shot glass. Gojyo tilted the bottle and filled it for him again. He drank, if only to get the taste of the alcohol over his tongue.

"Did you come here for my benefit, or your own, Hakkai?" Gojyo asked softly.

"What do you mean?" He looked up, not quite meeting his eyes.

"You had that nightmare again, didn't you?"

"What?"

"I've heard you, Hakkai. Late at night, crying out. Yelling her name, cursing Yisou..., begging for it to stop." His voice was low. "I almost woke you myself a few times, but I knew if I did, you'd be upset because I knew."

Hakkai swallowed. "I don't know what's happening. Logic tells me it's just some phase, that maybe I'm just remembering while I'm asleep and it will all pass eventually." He took the bottle and poured more. "There have even been nights when I don't dream at all, and I think it's over. Then it starts again the very next night. It's like I keep reliving that part of my past, over and over. It always seems so real, like I'm there again, following along like a script that can't be changed."

Gojyo took a drink. "Maybe you should go see Sanzo."

"I don't see how that will help."

"Well, maybe it's a spiritual thing. Dreams are funny. I know I don't understand them." He looked over at the women talking at the bar. "Then again, maybe you just have some pent up frustrations." He took a drag of his cigarette and blew a few smoke rings.

"Pent up frustrations?" Hakkai snorted soft.

"Yeah. Like, when was the last time you got laid?"

"I really don't think that.."

"When?"

Hakkai sighed and looked away. Leave it to Gojyo to turn it around into something to do about sex. He didn't feel frustrated, and he wasn't completely celibate. He did take care of himself on occasion, but it wasn't something he just talked about. Gojyo cleared his throat with obvious impatience.

"Gojyo, please."

"You haven't since Kanan, have you?"

"Gojyo, you're going too far," he whispered.

"Am I?" He sighed and looked at the women again. "Hakkai, even I have trouble focusing on two women at once, and Jia Li is looking at you pretty hard right now."

"What?" Hakkai looked over and the blond gave him a little wave and a wink.

"She wants you. Why not give her what she want?"

"Because I'm not like you, Gojyo," he said and looked back at him.

"Few are, but doesn't mean you have to live all proper like Sanzo."

Hakkai stood. "I think I'll take your first suggestion and speak with Sanzo."

"What? Right now?"

"Yes."

"Hakkai, it's raining and late at night. His mood isn't going to be the best if you just show up at the temple and wake him up."

"A storm like this, I doubt he's sleeping." He handed the umbrella to Gojyo. "Take the girls to the house if you want tonight, Gojyo. I'll probably stay at the temple."

"Hakkai, come on."

"See you tomorrow sometime." He headed for the door.

"It's a long hike to the temple!"

"I think I can handle it." He turned back and smiled. "Besides, it looks like the rain is clearing up a bit." He waved and went out the door before Gojyo could say anything else. In fact, the rain was falling just as hard as when he arrived, but he opened his umbrella again and started walking toward the temple.

Hakkai thought Gojyo might try to follow, but he was happy not to see him on his heels when he looked back. He hurried along as quickly as he could without running. He hated making the trip this late, but having this nightmare terrifying him was worse. Maybe Gojyo was right. It could be spiritual in some way and if that was the case, Sanzo was the best one to go to.

The mud got thicker once he got outside the village, and the rain continued to cascade down around him, the heavy drops drumming on the top of his umbrella. His feet started to get cold and his glasses kept misting over from all the moisture in the air, but he trudged on. Only other option was to go back to the bar or home, and neither was a acceptable choice. Once he started something, he didn't stop. Also, he didn't want to come home looking like a drenched puppy and have Gojyo say the dreaded, I told you so.

The walk gave him more time to think about what to say to Sanzo once he got there. The priest rarely got angry with him. It was usually Gojyo and Goku he took after with his fan or gun brandished. Hakkai smiled a bit. As grumpy as the man got, he found it difficult to believe he would ever make good on his promise to kill them. Sanzo preferred to waste his bullets on enemies. Luckily for those two. Still, what to say? Sanzo would probably call him an idiot for coming out in this storm to ask his opinion on a mere nightmare.

Lightening flashed to light his path, and thunder rumbled under his feet. He had been in worse situations. At least his gut wasn't cut open this time. He shuddered and walked on along the curving path that began to incline up toward his destination. He could see the top of the main roof when another crack of lightening took over the sky. He moved along through the heavy torrent, legs feeling heavy from the caked mud that surrounded his boots. Sanzo might very well shoot him if he dared to enter the temple tracking this sludge.

He entered the main courtyard, knocking as much of it off on the stone as he could before he just gave up and shut the umbrella and let himself gets completely drenched to wash the mud off. He shivered as icy rain went down the collar of his coat, and wondered if he wasn't indeed an idiot after all.

"You there! What are you doing out there?!"

Hakkai looked up to see an old monk standing at the open doors with a sour expression on his face. Against his own best inner judgement, he laughed. He just couldn't help it. Here he was, probably looking like a caught thief, and not a very good one in the sorry mess he was in, and he was laughing like an idiot. I am a idiot. He laughed harder. Thinking the guy looked like an older version of Sanzo with that grump like expression, it was just too comical.

"I said, what are you doing, fool?!"

"I'm sorry." He fought the laughter, snorting when the monk put a hand on his hips and sighed with exasperation.

"What's going on out here?" Sanzo looked out, sounding as Hakkai thought he would; pissed off.

"A stray apparently. And a mad one the way he keeps laughing, Master Sanzo."

"....Hakkai?"

"Yes, that's me. The mad one."

Sanzo shooed the monk away and opened the door more. "Get inside!"

"Thank you." Hakkai stepped inside, still shaking with laughter.


~*~


Hakkai used the towel to scrub his hair dry as he stepped out of the bathhouse, his body covered with a robe that Sanzo had given him. Physically he felt better, but his mind was still troubled. Sanzo hadn't asked him yet why he had come. He had just gone through the motions of getting him to wash the mud off and get warm. He stopped and looked at Sanzo who stood waiting for him. The priest said nothing, only waved him to follow as he went down a shadowed hallway.

They entered a small, cozy room, and Sanzo slid the door shut behind them before he sat to take up a tea cup. He motioned for Hakkai to sit on the other side and Hakkai obliged him, walking over and sitting on the soft mat on the floor to join him. He took the cup and drank. It was warm, and had just the right amount of sugar that he preferred. It made him think of the tea he made before leaving the house, and it seemed like ages ago.

"So, why did you walk here in this shit, Hakkai?" Sanzo finally asked.

"Well, I.... It's probably nothing."

"Can't be nothing if you're here. Unlike some at this temple, you wouldn't waste my time."

"Where is Goku?" Hakkai asked.

"Asleep, though I don't know how he can with that going on outside, and don't change the subject or I will get pissed off."

Hakkai chuckled soft. "You caught me."

"Hakkai, what brought you here?"

"The past three months or so, I've been having a nightmare. It's about that night. I haven't dreamt about that since Chin Yisou tried taking his revenge."

"Mm." Sanzo took a sip of tea and thought a moment. "You don't think he managed to survive again, do you?"

"No, I don't get a sense of that."

"Well, that's one less worry then."

"What do you think is causing it?" Hakkai asked.

"Hard to tell. Has anything occurred that would cause you to reflect on what happened?"

"No, nothing like that. Outside the nightmares themselves, everything has been fine."

Sanzo looked at him. "Have you talked to Gojyo about this?"

He nodded soft. "Just tonight actually. He had two suggestions, the first being to come talk to you."

"And the other?"

"I'd rather not say in such a sacred place."

Sanzo rolled his eyes. "That stupid water sprite told you to get laid, didn't he?"

Hakkai chuckled. "Well, there you go."

"That moron." Sanzo lit a cigarette on the candle that sat on the small table between them.

"Can't say he didn't have my best interests in mind though."

"Mm." Sanzo looked at him through a trail of rising smoke as he took a drag. "I'll ask, but I can already guess the answer."

"What?"

"Have you taken off your limiters since we stopped the minus wave?"

Hakkai looked down at his tea. "Of course not. Why would I?"

"Why wouldn't you?"

"Sanzo." He looked up, shocked he would even suggest it. "You know, even before the minus wave, I never removed them unless I absolutely had to."

"I'm well aware of that."

"Then why?"

Sanzo silently watched him, puffing on his cigarette. Hakkai continued to look back into his purple eyes. He wasn't going to back down. He wanted an answer to this madness. Taking his limiters off seemed ridiculous and unnecessary. How could doing something so foolish resolve his problem? He hated that part of himself, and he thought Sanzo, of all people, knew that.

Candlelight flickered shadows over the walls of the small room, and it made the space look soft and peaceful. The mood was anything but peaceful. Their eyes stayed locked in a silent battle, and Hakkai felt a twinge of anger. He smiled a little, and Sanzo raised an eyebrow. Yes, he knew what that smile meant. Only his closest friends knew about that particular smile of his.

"Mm, I hit a nerve."

"Damn right, you did, Sanzo."

"Why is this so hard for you?"

"You know why."

"You hate youkai."

"Yes," Hakkai growled the word.

"You hate that part of yourself."

"Yes," he said again.

Sanzo watched him quietly for a moment. "And you've dealt with it."

"That's right.

"Dealt with it, but not accepted what you are."

"You...don't know anything about it," Hakkai said and finally looked away from his friend's intense gaze.

"You've flowed along, hiding the youkai inside you like it's a horrible secret."

"That's not true. The minus wave..... It's not like I could walk around without my limiters, and I wouldn't want to regardless! I never have!"

"Exactly." Sanzo crushed out his dwindling cigarette.

Hakkai sighed and closed his eyes. he didn't want to be angry at Sanzo, but he was. When he came here, this is not what he expected would come about. He had been hoping for some enlightening words of wisdom, but instead he was being told he had to remove the one thing that he always struggled with.

"This won't help my problem," he whispered.

"I think it will, and I'm rarely wrong."

"Well, that's only half cocky of you, Sanzo." He looked back at the priest.

Sanzo grunted. "You are what you hate."

"And I killed a thousand to get here," Hakkai said softly, hands trembling.

"Well, when you think of it in those terms, maybe your human side is more dangerous," Sanzo said, watching him.

"You bastard." Hakkai sighed and relented, raising his hand to his ear. His fingers touched over the three small cuffs before he pulled them off. They dropped to the table and the change was immediate. He bit back the urge to yell as he felt himself turning youkai. He watched the claws grow out on his fingertips, and felt the slight ache of his teeth as the fangs grew. His ears lengthened as his hair did, the tickle of the soft locks sliding over the skin on the back of his neck. But the most sensation that always took over were the vines that covered his body like tattoos that had a life of their own.

Sanzo watched his transformation with no change of emotion, even taking the time to light another cigarette while he waited the short time it took. He picked up the three limiters and looked at them on the palm of his hand. Hakkai looked at him just in time to see Sanzo close his hand over them and chant something softly under his breath.

"What are you doing?"

Sanzo looked at him and opened his hand that was now empty. "You won't need those for a while."

Hakkai's eyes widened. "Sanzo, that's not funny!"

"I don't joke," he said with a tsk and smoked unhurriedly, eyes on him.

"Bring them back, please."

"Not for a while. This is your test, Hakkai."

"Give them back!"

"No."

"Why are you doing this?" He was too scared to be angry now, and that feeling was worse.

"To help you, Hakkai." Sanzo's sharp eyes softened. "It will probably take time, and if this isn't what the problem is, then we'll deal with that later. Alright?"

"I..." Hakkai looked down at his hands that rested on the table and jerked them back. Ragged marks marred the wood where he had been clawing at it without being aware. "Shit." He looked at Sanzo. "I'm sorry."

"It's just a table." Sanzo shrugged softly. "I trust you, Hakkai."

"I know," Hakkai said softly, eyeing the marks.

"You'll stay here at the temple while we work this out."

Hakkai looked at him and nodded. "I understand."

"Good." Sanzo seemed satisfied and relaxed more where he sat, taking up his tea cup again to drink.

Hakkai stayed silent, thinking about what might lie ahead with this little experiment. He slipped his glasses off, no longer needing them. He always had better vision in his youkai form, even through his artificial eye. He still trembled slightly, but he was already feeling more at peace being here. The temple had always been a relaxing place to him. Perhaps he needed a little of that too. Maybe that's why Sanzo wanted him to stay.

Loud voices in the outer hall had Sanzo up and sliding the door open quickly. Hakkai stood for the danger that might be coming, but when he heard the sound of Gojyo's voice he relaxed again. What the hell was he doing here?

"Look, old man, I just want to make sure Hakkai got here okay!" He appeared in the doorway with three monks trailing behind that were furiously yelling after him. He was drenched from head to foot and mud covered his shoes, much like his had been when he arrived. "Hakkai...wow, what's going on?"

"Gojyo...." His name passed Sanzo's lips like a curse. "Did you just trail that mud all the way through the temple?"

"What?" The redhead looked thoroughly confused, probably the shock of seeing his friend in his youkai state. Gojyo looked down at his feet. "Oh shit. Sanzo, man, I'm sorry."

"Dumb ass, water sprite!" Sanzo's fan seemed to come out of nowhere and he swung it furiously over the top of Gojyo's head.

"OUCH! I said I was sorry!" He raised his hand to try blocking the dreaded fan, but then his hands got the brunt of it.

"Stupid, Kappa! You are going to clean every bit of that up!" He kept swinging, punctuating every word with a landed blow.

"Shit! Okay..OKAY! Stop..hitting me!"

The blows stopped, but Sanzo grabbed the neck of his jacket. "Come with me," he growled and pulled Gojyo out of sight.

Hakkai blinked and looked at the three monks that were still outside the doorway. They all stared back, then whispered amongst themselves before hurrying off in the opposite direction of where Sanzo dragged off Gojyo. He sighed soft, wondering now if the monks would think of him as an unwelcome guest. He stood in the room alone, contemplating his situation. After a time, he closed his eyes listening to the absolute silence. The storm outside had finally stopped.

AN: This is one of those fics that I just started writing out of the blue. At first I thought it would come out as a one shot, but I realized it will have to be at least three chapters long or more. Hakkai is my favorite character out of the 4 guys, and his struggle over being part youkai has always interested me. I wanted to explore that. Hope you enjoy, and don't worry, sex will make an appearance. **grins*