Ranma\'s Tattoo Blues

It had been a hard battle in which the typical things had happened. It had started with Shampoo glomping onto Ranma in front of Furinkan High School and ergo Kuno, Ukyou and Akane. Mousse had magically appeared out of nowhere to witness his ladylove in the reluctant embrace of his friendly enemy, which caused him to explode and charge the other martial artist. That he was struggling to get away from her never registered to his blind eyes.

Naturally Ukyou got jealous and had tried to prise Ranma from the embrace of the lusty Amazon, and then the murderous male one. Akane had gotten mad at being snubbed by Ranma as the two girls struggled for the attention of her own designated finance and had left in a huff. This caused Ranma to chase after her, pursued by the other three.

Ryoga had turned up on the scene, had taken one look at Ranma being chased by amorous females (and one non-amorous hidden weapons martial artist) and had declared he was cheating on Akane. Kuno had agreed and they'd teamed up to both take vengeance on Ranma. Chaos had ensued when all three boys had tag teamed Ranma, while the girls charged to his defense, causing a mish mash of flying chains, duck training potties, giant spatulas, bokkens, large umbrellas and flying kicks. Even gym weapons were present and accounted for as Kodachi had conveniently left her own school and turned up on the scene, much as Ryoga had done. Eventually Ranma cornered the girls and demanded that they leave or they might get hurt. This caused the three advanced female martial artists to bond over macho bullshit and all of them parted ways in a huff, leaving the four battered and bruised boys struggling to catch their breaths. "You know, I get really sick of this shit" Ranma said out loud to no one in particular.

"I do to" Mousse admitted.

"I feel the same way" Ryoga added.

"I think we need a drink" Kuno declared, setting his bokken on his shoulder.

The other three just looked at him. "It's the morning and we have to go to school" Ranma pointed out to him.

"I offer libations that would make the angels weep with envy, a bottle or two shared amongst fallen comrades is supposed to be pleasurable experience" he rang out.

"Its expensive shit?" Ryoga asked.

"You better believe it pig man" Kuno said, looking at him shrewdly.

"I do have the day off" Mousse ventured.

"And I don't go to school" Ryoga mused.

"I could get Kasumi to write me a note explaining why I was absent" Ranma add.

"Come gentlemen, the matters settled; to my humble abode" Kuno said striding ahead.

Several hours...and several bottles later, all fours boys were nicely pickled.

"That Akane's really hot" Kuno said with a belch.

"Yeah, but what a crazy temper" Ranma said with an almost feminine giggle.

"Hey, Akane's perfect!" Ryoga cried, staggering to his feet.

"I beg to differ my friend, I have several times felt the claws that that kitten conceals" Kuno objected.

"You take that back!" Ryoga threatened.

"Look, she beats me up all the time..." Kuno said.

"Me too!" Ranma said, launching himself to his feet, only to stumble and fall back heavily into his chair. "Kuno I think there's something wrong with your chair, it won't let me up"

"Akane's temper makes her go bat shit" Mousse declared, "even I can see that."

"Not you too" Ryoga said, starting towards him in a threatening manner.

"Have another drink my friend" Kuno suggested and poured one into Ryoga's empty glass. "We are all on neutral territory here and won't disturb the peace...or break my furniture" he threatened.

Ryoga peered down to find his glass magically full "I guess I will drink this...what were we talking about?" he asked, having forgotten his anger in his fog of drunkenness.

"We were saying that Shampoo's a cold hearted bitch" Mousse declared, the liquid courage causing him to say things he normally wouldn't even dare think.

"I'll drink to that" Ranma said, launching himself to his feet, only to fall into his chair again. "Seriously Kuno, does this chair have some sort of glue on it?" he questioned.

"You know who I love almost as much as Akane?" Kuno asked.

"The Pigtailed Goddess" all three said without thinking.

Ranma did his giggle again "Kuno, I am her" he declared.

"It's true, Mousse and I turn into a duck and a pig; those are our curses. His is to turn into a girl" Ryoga said.

"Stop mocking my love!" Kuno cried.

"She has my face. Picture me in a red wig, only shorter and feminine" Ranma said.

Kuno shuddered at the idea "she's a woman through and through" he declared.

"She can be, Ranma's kind of cute as a girl" Ryoga said and slapped his hand over his mouth. His blush matched Ranma's while Mousse just gave the lost boy a look.

"She's me!" Ranma said, doing his stand up/sit down routine.

"As if a man would choose to live as a man if he had a choice. A woman's body is so much nicer" Kuno said.

"I agree with that. So why do you live as a man?" Mousse asked Ranma.

"So I won't get hit on by you when you aren't wearing your glasses...again" Ranma said and laughed when Mousse blushed.

"You know who else I think is cute? Ukyo" Ryoga declared.

"I agree with you there" Mousse said.

"I thought you never looked at other girls besides Shampoo?" Kuno said in confusion.

"I may be blind, but not that blind" Mousse said with and exaggerated shrug.

"She is cute" Ranma agreed.

"There's something wrong with my drink" Ryoga interrupted, peering into his now empty glass.

"You're drunk," Mousse slurred with a laugh.

"I am not!" he said weaving towards him.

"I think I am" Ranma said, watching the room spin. "Does this mean we have to go get tattoos?"

The rest pondered this "That's not a bad idea" Ryoga mused.

"I want to get a swan in flight on my back" Mousse declared.

"A blue lightening blot on my shoulder blade would look stunning" Kuno said, getting into the idea.

"I thought you were the blue thunder?" Ryoga said looking at him.

"You can't draw thunder" Kuno said with a shrug.

"I could find something there" Ranma said.

"And I know a tattoo artist, he used to work with me at the circus as a tattooed man" Mousse said.

"A Chinese tattoo artist; how original" Kuno said drily.

"Look, he's good and runs a clean shop. I could call him" Mousse ventured.

"Do it" Ryoga said, handing Mousse his cell phone.

"Hello Phil, my friends and I would like to get tattoos. Are you free this afternoon?" Mousse asked. 'Phil?' everyone mouthed in confusion at each other.

"Yes we've been drinking" he admitted and paused and listened to what his friend was saying. "He says that he normally doesn't tattoo people that have been drinking as alcohol causes tattoos to bleed more then normally they would. However, he says that he will do it if we sign a release form stating that if we bleed to death he isn't liable. You guys game?" he asked them.

"Tell your friend we'll be right there" Kuno said steepling his fingers under his chin.

"Phil?" Ryoga slurred.

"He's Chinese-American" Mousse explained in the cab over.

They were greeted by an enormous muscular Chinese man; every part of his exposed skin was covered by tattoos.

"Welcome to Art-A-Torture" he said, leading them into a large and exceedingly clean tattoo shop.

"Hi Phil, these are them" Mousse said indicating to the other males in an exaggerated manner.

"Yes Mu Tzu, I had gathered that when they arrived with you" Phil said in amusement, he'd never seen the younger man drunk before. "How much have you had to drink?" he asked them.

"A bottle of wine" Kuno said cautiously.

"Actually three bottles of wine, a bottle of sake, a couple beers each, a bottle of whisky and then we decided to try making margaritas. Mousse's strawberry and pickle ones sucked" Ryoga declared a tad too loudly.

"Okay, we're going for smaller tattoos then" he said and started sketching what each person wanted. Everyone cracked up when Ryoga chose a dolphin tattoo.

"Dolphins are for chicks!" Ranma said with a giggle.

"Dolphins are peaceful and friendly creatures," Ryoga said in a huff.

"And look great on chicks," Mousse countered.

"Focus everyone. How do you plan on paying for these?" Phil asked.

Everyone looked from one to the other and then realized that they lacked money.

"Do you take credit cards? Wait, isn't this a cash only business?" Kuno questioned.

Phil looked at him and seemed to be rather offended. "This isn't some biker tattoo place from the 1970's that's operated out of the supply room of a headbanger shop. I have a business license, have been written up in the papers several times as running a good place and have a twenty four hour tattoo marathon every Christmas where I donate everything I make in that time to Toys for Tots. I take cash, debit, credit cards and cheques if photo id is provided" he explained.

"Then I shall happily finance the purchase of my comrade's tattoos" Kuno said, slapping down his credit card.

"You're so generous" Ryoga said giving him a hug that almost caused Kuno to be crushed.

"I love you Kuno" Ranma said honestly; he loved everyone at that moment.

"That should cover it, who wants to go first?" Phil asked.

"I shall my good man" Kuno said and stood up in a wobbly way. One by one they emerged to show each other their new ink. Kuno's blue lighting bolt actually looked quite nice. Mousse's swan was done on the small of his back.

"You have a tramp stamp" Ryoga cried, almost falling over in helpless laughter.

"I do not! I wanted it to be larger like angel wings, but Phil insisted on making it small. So we chose here" he said hotly.

"It'll look great with your low rise jeans and crop top" Ranma teased.

"I hate you people" Mousse said and sat down and sulked, crossing his arms.

"I think it's cute and so are you" Ryoga said, having become a cuddly drunk. Mousse just stared at him with nervous eyes.

Ryoga's dolphin looked nice curving over his shoulder and even the others had to admit that they liked it. This left Ranma, who couldn't decide what he wanted. He kept on looking at the flash sheets and the books until the other became impatient. "Ranma I'm starting to sober up; just choose something already" Ryoga complained.

"Why don't you guys go on ahead and I'll meet you back at Kuno's?" Ranma suggested. They all agreed and left him with money for a cab. Finally Ranma pointed to a tattoo "that one," he said "can you put a girl's name in it?" he asked.

"You sure you want to do that? I mean you will have to live with her the rest of your life if it doesn't work out. I know that for fact, my wife Ann resented my ex-girlfriend Lily's name being on my body. I had to get it tattooed over to please her"

"It's going to work out. Could I get it on my butt?" Ranma asked, thinking that being the most unlikely place that anyone would discover it.

"I'll put it anywhere you want" Phil said with a shrug, leading him to the table. Afterwards Ranma started to feel ill and called the others to say that he was just going home.

Ranma woke up with a sore head and behind the next day, he managed to piece together bits and pieces of the day before and laughed out loud at some of the things that had been discussed before they went to the tattoo palour...He gasped when he remembered this part. He quickly ran to the bathroom, he yanked down his boxer shorts and moaned at what he saw there. He fished out Phil's card and called him to ask how to get the tattoo removed; he was flabbergasted to learn that it had to be done by laser treatment.

He was met at school by a pale and sickly looking Kuno, "now I know why they call it shit faced" he said, studying Ranma's own drawn features. "I had to kick everyone out at midnight; what a bunch of lushes. What tattoo did you end up getting?" he asked him.

Ranma blushed and said "I chickened out" he replied.

"Really? Phil charged me for four tattoos; he emailed me the receipt this morning" Kuno said in confusion. "I'll have Mousse call him to get this straighten out" he resolved.

"It's okay, I'll pay you back for the one he charged you for me" Ranma said hastily.

"Nonsense I hate being taken advantage of" Kuno said and pulled out his cell phone.

"Really, he overcharged you? That doesn't sound like him; Phil's the most honest guy I know. I'll take care of it" the hung-over Mousse said with a groan and called Phil.

"What do you mean I didn't give Ranma a tattoo? I most certainly did" Phil said in confusion.

"Really, what was it of?" Mousse asked, figuring that Ranma had woken up and had been embarrassed by his choice.

"I can't divulge that information, it's up to Ranma to tell you" Phil said.

"Not even a hint?" Mousse asked.

Phil hesitated "it's a very popular design with a woman's name on it; it's on his rear" he said.

"Which woman's name?" Mousse said sharply.

"You're going to have to ask your friend that" Phil returned, he got the impression that he'd just opened a can of worms and wanted to protect Ranma. Mousse got suspicious at this. He reported what Phil had told him to Kuno, who also wondered who's name it was. Mousse decided to sleep in; unaware the Shampoo had been listening at his door.

"So airen got Shampoo's name tattooed on body?" she whispered, getting excited at the idea.

Nabiki's bug caught the same information, "I wonder how much Kodachi and Ukyou will pay me for this information? Akane I'll tell for free just to make things more interesting" she mused and broke into a grin that would have rivaled the Cheshire cat's.

"Tattoo?" Akane asked at Nabiki's revelation.

"Yes, apparently the boys got hammered last night and got tattooed; Ranma's is on his rear and has a woman's name on it" Nabiki said.

"Whose name?" Akane asked.

"No one knows, but I intend to find out" Nabiki said.