What I Need

I do not own Saiyuki or the characters depicted in this fic. I made no money writing this. 

 
Special thanks to lawless523 for her amazing beta and loads of affectionate blame for evilchuckles, who is making me obsess over 383.  

++


You see through me when you look at me. You know I am tired, even when I am up past midnight going over these maps. You know I am lonely in this bed. I am still not used to sleeping alone and I doubt I will ever be. You know I need someone to take this book out of my hand. To lie in this bed with me. And talk to me. 

Well, all right. Maybe not just talk. 

You can be so thoughtful, Sanzo. Who would have known you could be? But you are, in your own matter-of-fact way. How extraordinary. 

"No more reading." You do not touch me. You just let your breath stir my hair. 

I put my monocle aside with the book. "Turn out the light?"

You just nod. So I do. And we  lie here. Not touching, but sharing the darkness like we always seem to. "Sanzo?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you ... want to?"

"No. I like lying in bed and staring at the ceiling."

I can't help smiling. "Can't  accuse you of seductive pillow talk, can I?" 

"Look at me." 

I wish I could. It is too dark. But if I could, I would see the most beautiful man I have ever known. Strong and fragile. Tough and, well, tough. You're just as scarred inside as you are on the outside. Like me. "Yes?" I want to touch you and hesitate, but you take my hand and place it in your hair. The hair you never let  any one touch. Any one but me, that is. You let me comb my fingers through it. I feel connected to someone again.  

Yes.

"You are the only person I can stand."

"Ah, let's not get carried away." I nudge a little closer. Close enough for our toes to touch. "But for the record, you are marginally tolerable." I wiggle mine.

"Marginally, huh?" Are you smiling? I reach out with no hesitation this time. And you are. Just a little. Just enough. 

I scoot closer. 

"You have your days." Your skin is rough near the jawline. You will have to let me give you a shave tomorrow. I will insist. "But I have to admit, you are nearly friendly right now."

"I'm a regular teddy bear tonight."

When I scoot this time, it's no half measure. Oh, it seems like just a hands beadth, but we both know it's more like jumping across a canyon. An unthinkable feat, to press my body against yours, and just as exhilarating once accomplished. 

And when you put your arms around me? "God, you feel so good." 

"Are you still talking?" You press your knee between mine. I always get a thrill feeling that denim through the thin fabric of my pajamas. 

"Sorry about that. Oh, I keep talking." 

Then you roll me over and you're on top of me. Pressed up against me, right there. Stay there. Just like that... "As long as you don't forget why I'm here."

"I have a feeling you will remind-ah!" Your mouth! So hot, so wet. Your teeth- "Sanzo!" The ear. Yes! Like that! Make me shiver. Make me squirm. I love it when you- "Ah!" Right there! My limiters. Keep doing that. "Lick them again, please?" It is like dying, in the best way. I wrap my arms and legs around you, hold on for dear life, and you grind me down into the mattress.  "Yes!"

You pull me up. You cup my face. You press your forehead against mine. "You done talking?" 

"I'm afraid not." I nip at your jaw. Your lips. Your tongue as you open your mouth. "Kiss me?"

"You do realize that means no talking, right?"  

"I think I can manage."

You nip back at my lips. Then kiss me. Taste me. Hold me so tight I can barely breath. I do not want to breath if it means you will stop. You know just how to make me feel so alive.

Your hands and my hands, they're everywhere. We break apart just long enough to get out of these clothes, then you're back and I'm here and you're everywhere. 

Especially...

"Sanzo! Oh, god. Like that, Sanzo!" You use both hands. You cup and you squeeze and you nip at my neck and you breathe, breathe, breathe into my ear. Hard, shuddering breaths. "Let me touch you."

"Quit asking!" You take my hand. You move it up and down and you are jerking off and then you press our cocks together and then-

"More! God, don't stop! Sanzo! Don't stop!" 

I can feel you whisper my name against my skin again and again. Say it, Sanzo. Say my name and make me feel alive.   

Oh, no. Oh, god- yes! "I  cannot... I  cannot... Stop..." 

++

You do not leave me. No. You stay with me. But I am not talking anymore. I am just listening to our breathing steady. 

"Finally, you stopped talking." You move an arm, probably to comb that hair out of your eyes - oh. You're combing it out of mine. You remember how it tends to do that afterward? "Get some sleep, yeah?"

But if one of us dies tomorrow, this will be our last night. No. I should not think this way.
 
I turn toward you. You turn toward me. I wish I could see your face, just once, but I am too tired to turn on the light. 

Click. Click. Click. 

Ah. You're holding your lighter above us. And I can see your face. 

"Quit worrying."

And now the light is out. But I can still see you, even when I close my eyes. I can feel you next to me, and I am not alone. We might die tomorrow, yet for a few moments we really were so alive together. And this is almost enough. Oh, Sanzo. You... You always know what I need. 


++

Inspired by evilchuckles. The lighter is hers though I refuse to give it back. I love that lighter.