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Acceptance	By : Nakkinomiko Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1451 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: : I do not own Gensomaden Saiyuki, or any of its characters. I make no money from this fic.

Chapter List
- 1-Acceptance
- 1
Disclaimer: I do not own Gensomaden Saiyuki, or any of its characters. I make no money from this fic. I just like playing with them. :P

A/N: I wrote this fic years ago! I completely forgot it existed until I was going through folders on my computer. This takes place at the end of the first anime and contains some mild spoilers. This is Sanzo/Goku, so here’s the yaoi smut warning! Hope you all like this one. :-)

*****

Acceptance

It didn’t surprise Genjo Sanzo at all when sleep would not come that night. Too many things had happened during the day, and he kept turning events over and over in his head, unable to stop doing so. The one thing he kept coming back to was the fact that there had been several moments where death had been a very real and imminent danger, that he and his companions had very nearly been destroyed that day. He hadn’t thought about it much earlier, but now that it was quiet and he was surrounded by the quiet sleeping sounds of his companions, he couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Of course there were other things about the day that bothered him, things that got under his skin and worried at him like a terrier on a bone. Homura’s death was first and foremost amongst these things, and not because it had been such a senseless death, but rather because of the effect it’d had on Goku. The youkai had wept bitterly over the half-god’s demise, and even though Sanzo had seen Goku get emotional about things before, there was something about the moment that made his anguish seem so much sharper and real. It had taken all of Sanzo’s iron will to keep himself from comforting the saru in front of Hakkai and Gojyo. Instead he had remained silent until the necessity of fleeing the crumbling tower had forced him to bark sharp orders at all of them to get the hell out or die in that place.

Of course now he despised himself for not reaching out to Goku in that moment. He hated how cold he’d become, but at the same time, couldn’t help himself. Even after all these years, the loss of his Sensei still weighed heavily on him, and because of it, he was afraid to let himself care too much for anyone or anything. If he cared, he could be hurt again, and that kind of pain Sanzo decided he could really do without. At the time it had been a decision he had consciously made and stuck to relatively easily, and since he was a Sanzo priest, he could demand to be left alone and not a single person could deny him that.

But then he’d heard that voice calling him, and it had led him to the mountain prison where Goku had been chained for centuries, and the moment he made eye contact with the youkai he’d known that he was in for it. Something in Goku’s golden eyes had called to him on a deep level, and he was unable to stop himself from releasing the saru and taking him with him. And even though he tried not to, he found himself caring. It pissed him off, that the juvenile-acting youkai had easily pierced his resolve when so many others had been unable to touch him at all, and it scared him, too. As a result, he found himself constantly snapping at Goku, especially when the saru did things that put himself in danger. “Baka Saru” seemed to fall off his lips on a regular basis when he was talking to Goku, and he steeled himself against the hurt it always caused in Goku’s expression. He had convinced himself that it was better that way, that if no one knew how important Goku really was to him then it was less likely that anyone would attempt to harm the saru in an attempt to get to him.

It was a ruse that worked, for the most part, until the day Hakkai and Gojyo had walked into their lives. Sanzo knew that Hakkai saw through his façade, that underneath his surly attitude and constant threats there was something more than anger and bitterness to be found. Gojyo, he thought, suspected the truth, but like Hakkai, was smart enough to keep it to himself. And like Goku, there was something about Hakkai and Gojyo that called to Sanzo, and even though he tried very hard not to, he found himself caring again. He felt more annoyance at his own weakness, and more fear. Now there were two more things that could be potentially hurtful to him. He buried his feelings beneath a façade of annoyance and biting sarcasm, but he had his doubts as to whether or not Hakkai and Gojyo were fooled.

Goku was a different problem all together. The more time Sanzo spent around the saru the more he became aware that while Goku seemed a naïve child, he wasn’t really. He was a 500 year old youkai, and as he spent more time in society his mental processes were maturing. He and Gojyo seemed to fight less and less over stupid things, and Goku was learning that Gojyo picked fights with him to alleviate the boredom more than anything else. Sometimes, Goku would rise to the bait, but lately Sanzo had the feeling it was more to enjoy the banter between he and Gojyo rather than to really fight. The saru’s comebacks were becoming quicker and more intelligent, and a few times he’d actually managed to shock Gojyo into silence.

Goku had shocked them all into silence the day he’d made an offhand comment that had hinted at the fact that he was more than aware of the growing relationship between Gojyo and Hakkai, something that Sanzo had been well aware of, even though Hakkai and Gojyo were more than a little discrete about it. The fact that Goku had noticed made Sanzo realize that the saru really wasn’t as naïve as he’d thought, and it made Sanzo reassess his opinion of the youkai. He paid more attention to Goku after that, watched him closely, and after a time began to realize that Goku had matured a lot since he’d found him in that mountain prison, that he and the others had mistaken Goku’s open and fun-loving personality as naivety.

On the heels of that revelation came another more earth moving one. Sanzo didn’t want to admit what he was seeing at first, when he realized Goku watched him a lot. He tried to force himself not to notice the longing he sometimes saw in Goku’s eyes, or the adoration he saw there. On lesser occasions it was just raw passion, and Sanzo wondered if Goku even realized what it was he was feeling. Sanzo knew though, and it scared him, because he felt an answering need stir deep within every time he caught Goku looking at him like that. It was something he couldn’t afford to let himself feel--it was too dangerous to his already wounded soul. At least that was what he’d told himself.

He wasn’t so sure now. Again, he thought about the day’s events, and how close he’d come to losing Goku and the others. Not until faced with the reality of life without them had Sanzo realized just how much the others had come to mean to him. Hakkai for his unflappable calm and understanding, Gojyo for his heart of gold, and Goku . . . Sanzo took a deep breath and tried to center his thoughts. He couldn’t hide from his emotions any longer.

He made the decision consciously now, but realized he’d already made it earlier in the day, when they’d first arrived at the inn. He’d asked for a room with two double beds in it instead of four separate rooms, and at the time he’d sourly informed them that he didn’t feel like paying for four rooms. But now, he was willing to admit the real reason. He’d wanted them close, so that he could hear their breathing as they slept and comfort himself with the fact that he hadn’t lost them, that the men he’d come to see as his only friends were still alive and breathing and safe within the four walls they now shared.

Sanzo ignored the aches and pains in his body as he sat up and shifted himself so that he was leaning against the headboard, and he moved slowly as to not disturb the form huddled beneath the blankets beside him. Goku’s hair was the only thing visible above the covers, and his breathing was slow and regular as he slept away the exhaustion of the day. They’d all been surprised when he’d only rented one room, but even more so when he’d made it clear that Goku would be sleeping in his bed instead of on a cot. Goku’s expression had been confused, and yet happy at the same time. Gojyo had opened his mouth, no doubt to make some smart comment, but Sanzo’s glare had pretty much silenced him.

That had been nearly three hours ago, and they ate dinner and retired for the night, and he still could not find sleep. He sighed with frustration and reached for the pack of cigarettes on the bedside table. His hand froze midway there when he heard a soft voice from beside him.

“Sanzo?” Goku’s voice was muzzy with sleep, and his form shifted a bit and his head appeared from beneath the covers. He blinked slowly a few times before his gaze seemed to focus on Sanzo, and then a frown turned the corners of his mouth downwards.

“Go to sleep,” Sanzo murmured to him.

Goku seemed to think about that for a moment, and then he shifted again until he was propped up on an elbow and peering up at Sanzo through his auburn bangs. His eyes were almost luminous in the wan light afforded by the moon’s rays streaming through the room’s one window, and Sanzo found himself comparing them to polished amber, only Goku’s eyes were far more striking.

“Can’t you sleep?” Goku’s tone was tentative, as if he were afraid the question would invoke a violent reaction. And it might have, in the past. But tonight . . .

“No,” Sanzo replied after a moment. He finally finished the reach for his cigarettes and tapped one out of the pack before exchanging it for his lighter. His hands were trembling slightly as he lifted the cigarette to his mouth. It took him three tries to get the lighter to work before he was finally able to light his cigarette. He took a long pull before setting the lighter aside. He glanced sideways at Goku. The saru was frowning again.

“What’s wrong?” Goku asked, again his tone filled with caution. Beneath that caution was a very real concern that was openly reflected in his eyes.

“Just thinking too much,” Sanzo replied quietly. “Go back to sleep, saru. I’ll be fine.” He took another pull on his cigarette, aware that Goku wasn’t showing any signs of listening to him.

“Demo . . .” Goku let his words trail off, and he caught his lower lip between his teeth. He seemed frustrated now, as if he wanted to say or do something, but didn’t know exactly what the something was. The longing was in his expression again.

He really has no idea, Sanzo thought. He really has no clue what it is he wants from me. So, Goku wasn’t naïve, but he was still innocent enough to not recognize desire in himself yet. It would be only a matter of time, though. Goku wasn’t stupid--he’d sort it out sooner or later on his own. He’d realize just exactly what it was he wanted from Sanzo. And what would happen then? Would Goku try to hide it? He imagined just how miserable Goku would be if he tried to deny his own feelings and pretended as if nothing were different. It made Sanzo’s heart wrench almost painfully. It would kill Goku’s spirit. Sanzo was sure of it, and for some reason, it was a thought he couldn’t live with. Not after all that had happened and all that they’d been through together.

“What is it?” Sanzo asked, and he was careful to keep his tone neutral.

Goku seemed to think about it again. He was unusually subdued, but then again, he’d been that way ever since he’d watched Homura die. Sanzo hoped it would pass--he already missed the youkai’s usual exuberance and cheerful smile. He hadn’t realized just how much he’d depended on them to keep his own dark moods at bay.

“I want . . .” Goku seemed unable to finish the thought. Again, he seemed frustrated, and Sanzo thought he detected a bit of uncertainty there as well.

“What do you want?” Sanzo asked after it became apparent that Goku wasn’t going to continue the thought on his own.

“I . . . I don’t know!” Goku finally exclaimed, his voice a harsh, agitated whisper. “To help you?” A question, not a statement, and Goku seemed more frustrated now.

Sanzo pressed his cigarette out in an ashtray before he turned his full attention on Goku. The youkai seemed to draw away slightly, as if afraid his confusion would somehow anger Sanzo. It gave the monk pause, and he berated himself for every time he’d ever lashed out at Goku. He deserved better.

“To help me?” Sanzo repeated softly.

“Yes,” Goku replied, his voice so soft that Sanzo almost didn’t hear it in the dark room.

“Is that all?”

“Is that all?” Goku repeated the question, confusion once again written on his face. He thought about it before he met Sanzo’s gaze. “I . . . I want.” Again, he made a frustrated noise and shifted to sit cross-legged on the bed. The covers pooled in his lap and revealed Goku’s bare chest and arms, all whipcord muscle and hidden strength. From what Sanzo could tell in the dim moonlight, his skin was flawless--an amazing thing considering all that he’d been through in the last twenty-four hours. He felt a strong temptation to reach out and touch Goku, to run his fingers over that tan flesh and feel its texture beneath his touch.

I want, too. The admission came hard, even though he’d only vocalized it internally. Yet, he couldn’t run from it any longer. This moment was too real for him to ignore the want in those golden eyes any longer. He reached out and slid his fingers beneath Goku’s chin and with a grip that was both firm and gentle turned the youkai’s face towards himself. Goku went very, very still under his touch. Sanzo shifted closer, and then leaned down and pressed his lips against Goku’s. He kept the pressure light, and after a moment he felt Goku shudder slightly and then lean into him.

Sanzo backed away from their first kiss slowly and gazed down at Goku with half lidded eyes. Goku was staring up at him, his eyes reflecting wonder and surprise in the soft moonlight. Sanzo waited, and as he watched, he could see Goku’s brain working to piece together the puzzle of his emotions. Sanzo suspected that he had given the youkai the final piece he needed to complete it, and wasn’t at all surprised when he saw comprehension dawn in Goku’s amber eyes.

“Oh!” His voice was a breathless, barely audible whisper, and his eyes seemed to grow wide for a moment. “Sanzo! I know . . .”

“What you want?” Sanzo finished. He hardly recognized his own voice, so low and colored with a warmth and affection that he’d not allowed himself to express before now. One kiss and he was nearly undone. There was no ignoring the fire that now warmed his blood or the urgency of his own want as he gazed down at Goku.

“Yes,” Goku whispered. “Can . . .”

“. . . you have what you want?” Sanzo shifted closer still, and now he could feel the warmth radiating off of Goku’s lithe form. He shivered slightly. He hadn’t realized how cold the room was until that moment.

Goku snapped his mouth shut and swallowed audibly before he slowly nodded his head.

“Yes,” Sanzo murmured. “You can have what you want.” He closed the distance between them again, and this time, the kiss was more insistent. Goku moaned softly, and his lips parted unconsciously to accept Sanzo’s tongue into his mouth.

“Sanzo!” His name was a barely audible whisper on Goku’s lips as he broke the second kiss.

“Hush,” Sanzo whispered into his ear. “Quietly, ne?”   He dipped his head lower and pressed a kiss against the flesh just below Goku’s ear before he opened his mouth and flicked his tongue out to taste his salty skin. Goku made a soft, almost choked sound before he sunk back onto the bed. Sanzo followed him down, his lips still showering kisses over Goku’s flesh. He felt the youkai’s fingers slip into the hair at the nape of his neck as their lips met in another kiss. Goku’s arms were warm around him, and Sanzo stifled a moan as he let the saru pull him even closer.

“More,” Goku whispered breathlessly into his ear. “More, please?”

“Yes.”   Sanzo slowly broke away from Goku and pulled the covers away before kneeling between his legs. He reached out and slowly opened the fly on Goku’s pants, every hitch in Goku’s breath a symphony to his ears. He tugged the pants down, careful to not catch Goku’s already rigid member as he did so. He let the pants drop noiselessly to the floor and bent down to capture a dusky nipple between his teeth. Goku didn’t make a sound, but his back arched off the bed and his fingers clutched at the sheets as Sanzo’s tongue drew lazy circles around the hard nub of flesh.

“Sanzo!” Another breathless whisper.

“More?” Sanzo replied. He shifted again so that he was lying on his side next to Goku and reached out to brush a teasing touch across the inflamed head of Goku’s arousal.

“Please!” Goku’s hips arched upwards into Sanzo’s touch.

Sanzo smirked softly to himself as he wrapped his fingers around the silken hardness and slowly ran his fist over the length of it. Again, Goku surprised him by keeping silent, but his body spoke of his pleasure. His hips lifted off the bed again as Sanzo slowly worked his arousal, his eyes closed and his mouth slack with his pleasure. Sanzo shifted downwards and pressed a kiss to the tip before flicking at it with the tip of his tongue. Goku gasped sharply and his eyes snapped open before slowly closing again.

Sanzo took it into his mouth then, and ran his tongue across the sensitive underside before he applied gentle suction to Goku’s arousal. He tasted salty sweet and not at all unpleasant, and Sanzo gave a soft hum of appreciation. Goku’s breath hitched sharply at that, his whole body tensing as galvanizing pleasure radiated through his body. Sanzo gave his arousal one last lick before he let it slowly fall from his mouth, and he shifted upwards to kiss Goku again.

“Sanzo, please!” Goku gasped the words against his lips. “I want it all!”

“Do you know what you’re asking for?” Sanzo asked between kisses.

“I’m not stupid!” Goku managed to gasp the words out. “Do you think I don’t know what it is Hakkai and Gojyo do when they spend nights alone? I’m not a child!”

No, Sanzo thought, you are not. I was mistaken to ever think of you as such. Of course, he was now faced with a dilemma. He wanted to do this right, to make this moment as pleasurable for Goku as possible, but now realized he had nothing to ease the way for Goku. He cursed himself silently even as he wrapped his fingers around Goku’s hardness again and kissed the saru hard. He wouldn’t do this without lubrication. Next time I will give him what he wants . . .

Even as he finished the thought he heard a soft plop on the bed beside him. Goku was so lost in the sensations Sanzo was giving him that he missed it entirely, but Sanzo looked sharply towards the room’s other bed and found himself looking into Gojyo’s crimson eyes. His blue eyes flicked away long enough to ascertain that the soft plopping noise had been a small vial of oil landing on the bed, and when he met Gojyo’s gaze again, the kappa was smiling slightly. He didn’t speak, but the expression on his face seemed to convey the message of I thought you might want that. He gave Sanzo another sleepy smile before he closed his crimson eyes and pulled the covers up to his chin and seemed to drop off to sleep again.

Hentai, Sanzo thought, but there was none of the normal acid behind the thought. Gojyo had, after all, saved him from disappointing Goku. He was grateful that the kappa had remained silent--he had a feeling that Goku would have been mortified, and it was a feeling he wanted to spare his lover.

Lover. Sanzo swallowed hard at the implications of the word, and he had a moment where he was overwhelmed with emotion. Goku seemed to sense it, and his gold eyes opened slowly and he gazed up at Sanzo dreamily.

“Is there something wrong?” He murmured.

“No,” Sanzo assured him. “Everything is as it should be.” He bent and kissed Goku again before pulling away completely. He stood from the bed then and quickly and efficiently stripped out of his clothing, not really caring where it fell. Goku’s eyes were locked onto him as he stripped, his gaze an almost tangible touch against Sanzo’s skin. He joined Goku on the bed again. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

“Yes.”

Sanzo wordlessly nodded as he reached for the vial of oil. He poured a generous amount of the viscous fluid into the palm of one hand before re-corking and setting it aside. He shifted so that he was kneeling between Goku’s knees again and used his free right hand to lift Goku’s left knee upwards and out. It left his saru completely exposed before him, and Sanzo felt a flash of sharp lust and desire and another emotion he wasn’t ready to name yet.

“This will hurt if you don’t relax,” Sanzo warned.

Goku surprised him with an almost inaudible puff of laughter. His golden eyes opened and he gave Sanzo a slow, lazy smile. “It certainly won’t be anything at all like the beating I got from Homura today will it?” The smile disappeared then, and was replaced with an expression that was much more serious. “I’m not afraid of a little pain.”

“I didn’t think you were,” Sanzo whispered. “I just want it to be good for you.” He dipped his index and middle finger into the oil cupped in the palm of his hand and then feathered them over Goku’s weeping arousal before moving lower and circling the tight opening he found there with slick fingertips. Goku made a soft sound of pleasure, and his eyes closed again as Sanzo gently pressed the tip of his index finger into Goku’s clenching warmth. Sanzo worked it in and out slowly a few times before sliding his middle finger in to join the first. Goku moaned raggedly, still not very loud, and pushed his hips downwards.

“Oh!” Goku gasped sharply as Sanzo felt his finger brush over the youkai’s prostate. “Oh, do that again!” he gasped.

“This, you mean?” Sanzo feathered a light caress over the spot, and was rewarded with another breathy moan from below him. It was a delicious sound, and Sanzo felt himself grow even harder. He brushed over the spot again before completely withdrawing his fingers.

Goku made a disappointed noise in the back of his throat.

“Be patient, Goku,” Sanzo chided gently. He took the remaining oil and slicked it over his own arousal. He bit down on his lower lip as his own touch sent an electric shock of pleasure through his system. He wasn’t going to last long at this rate, but figured Goku wasn’t going to either, so he didn’t worry about it too much. “Ready?”

“Yes!” Goku’s voice was almost a desperate whine now. How long had he waited for this moment? How long had he waited for Sanzo to see him as something more than an annoyance?

Long enough, Sanzo thought to himself. He repositioned himself between Goku’s legs and lifted them to wrap around his waist before positioning himself at the youkai’s tight entrance. He rocked his hips forward slowly, and after a moment of resistance, the head of his arousal slipped into Goku’s warmth. Sanzo moaned low in his throat as Goku’s slick heat surrounded him and seemed to urge him deeper.

Goku made another soft noise as Sanzo slowly worked his way deeper. Sanzo watched his face closely, looking for signs of pain, but all he saw was pleasure and need in the golden eyes that stared up at him. After what seemed like an eternity he felt himself bottom out, and he was completely buried in Goku’s clenching warmth. He paused and kissed Goku slowly, their tongues tangling in a slow, lingering dance that left them both breathless. Sanzo shifted then and pulled Goku up until he was sitting on the bed with Goku impaled on his lap.

“Sanzo!” Goku wrapped his arms around Sanzo’s shoulders and pressed his face against Sanzo’s neck. “It feels so good,” he murmured, and he rocked his hips forward slightly and created a delicious friction between them.

“Yes, it does,” Sanzo whispered. He let his hands drop to Goku’s hips, and used them to lift Goku’s weight upwards slightly. He felt his arousal slide out of Goku’s warmth, and then he allowed the youkai to settle downwards again, and he slid deep within his lover again. Goku’s breath hitched audibly, and he whimpered when Sanzo repeated the motion again, this time punctuating it with an upwards thrust of his hips as he pulled Goku downwards again.

No more words were exchanged then. Instead, lips locked in another kiss as Sanzo continued to rock himself upwards into Goku’s tight heat, each thrust bringing them both closer and closer to the release they both craved. Sanzo felt the remaining walls around his heart start to crumble one by one, until the only thing left was an aching need and adoration for the youkai he was making love to.   His name was falling from Goku’s lips in a near-silent mantra, each upward thrust producing breathy moans that drove Sanzo to increase his pace, just so he could hear more of them.

Goku succumbed first, his body suddenly going rigid as the pleasure broke over him in intense waves. Sanzo registered sticky warmth on his stomach a moment before he was all but blind-sided by his own orgasm. He held Goku close against him as the pleasure radiated over and through him, and tears squeezed themselves out from beneath his blonde lashes as he was overwhelmed by the sensations and emotions of the moment. He buried his face in the crook of Goku’s neck, and a moment later he felt Goku’s fingers thread their way into his hair.

“I love you.” Goku’s voice was a soft whisper in his ear. “I’ve always loved you, even when you were being mean. Because I knew, Sanzo.”

“Knew what?” Sanzo’s voice was muffled against the flesh of Goku’s neck. He didn’t want to move, because Goku’s confession made him feel vulnerable, and for the first time that entire day, he felt warm.

“That you loved me too,” Goku whispered. His voice was colored with a wealth of affection. “I know that it scared you, and that’s why you were so mean sometimes. You were trying to distance me. But you don’t have to be afraid, Sanzo.”

Sanzo bit back the automatic reply of “I’m not afraid” that wanted to leave him. It would insult Goku’s intelligence, and the last thing Sanzo wanted to do was ruin this moment with careless words. Instead he lifted his head and met Goku’s golden gaze. Goku’s lips were curled in a slight smile as he gazed back at Sanzo. He untangled the fingers of one hand from the golden strands of Sanzo’s hair and moved it around to touch the monk’s face.

“I’m not wrong, am I?” Goku asked.

Sanzo leaned into his touch when Goku rested the palm of his hand against his cheek, and he turned his head to place a kiss in the center of the palm before resting his cheek against it again. He closed his eyes as the warmth of that touch seemed to spread to the rest of his being, and he felt his soul center and then settle. He opened his eyes then, and Goku was still watching, waiting for his answer.

“No,” Sanzo finally whispered. He swallowed audibly before speaking again. “I do love you.”

Goku grinned hard, the smile lighting up his eyes, even in the dark room. The grin faded into a soft smile. “Can you sleep now?” Goku asked softly. He lifted his hand to brush Sanzo’s bangs away from his eyes before he carefully disengaged himself from Sanzo and lay back on the bed. Sanzo used a far corner of the bed sheet to clean the evidence of their lovemaking from Goku’s skin before completely removing it from the bed. He settled himself next to Goku and pulled the thick blanket up and over them.

“Yes, I think I can,” Sanzo said. He pulled Goku close and tucked the blankets in around them. Goku burrowed closer to his warmth and rested his head against Sanzo’s chest. “Goodnight, saru.”

He felt Goku grin against his chest as he used his favorite nickname for the Youkai.

“Goodnight, Sanzo.”

*****

“Gojyo, you ride shotgun today.”

“Excuse me?”

Sanzo smirked at the floored expression on the kappa’s face. “Baka, are you going deaf now? You ride in the front today.”

“Ah, sure,” Gojyo said, and his brows disappeared into his hairline.

“Sanzo?” Goku sounded just as surprised as Gojyo looked, and Sanzo smirked again as he climbed into the back seat of the jeep and settled himself next to the youkai.

“Yes, Goku?”

“You always ride in the front,” Goku said, his tone hesitant.

Sanzo turned his head slowly and met Goku’s golden gaze. He held it for a moment before he reached out and captured one of Goku’s wrists and tugged him close. He ignored the surprised sounds Hakkai and Gojyo made as he leaned down and kissed Goku hard. Goku’s expression was joyous as Sanzo pulled away and smiled down at him.

“Not anymore.”

*****

End
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Acceptance