The Heart is a Lonely Hunter

Finally~ It\'s been edited~!! bleh... didn\'t know I had so many spelling errors. -_-

Title: The Heart is a Lonely Hunter
Part: 1/1
Author: MicchiKo
E-mail: MicchiKo@aol.com
Genre: , Le, Lemon, drama-ish. AU-ish... I can\'t tell~!!
Pairings: SenKo, very small hint of MitKo, RuKo...
Rating: NC-17.... hmm... well, at least I *tried* to make it NC-17... =P
Archive: http://slamdunk.gong-zhu.net.... my meager site.

Notes: This is what happens when you\'re up late at night listening to depressing music and reading RuKo fics. The title\'s taken from the book by... argh... don\'t remember who... and the lyrics are from the song sung by Reba McEntire. C&C please~!! It\'s my first completed SD fic... also... it\'s the first time I\'m posting... =)

The Heart is a Lonely Hunter
by MicchiKo

The heart is a lonely hunter
With only one desire
To find some lasting comfort
In the arms of a lover\'s fire


Driven by a desperate hunger
To the dark of the neon light
The heart is a lonely hunter
When there\'s no sign of love in sight

How did he get here? Kogure wondered the same thing to himself as he watched the road from the passenger seat of Sendoh\'s car. He looked over at the spiky haired boy. He had to admit, the youth was quite good-looking, and charming, to top it off. Still, he found it awkward that he had agreed to follow the other boy, given that they had just met at a party that was being thrown by a friend of a friend. He found it awkward that he had even gone to the party to begin with -- and on a weeknight.

Now here he was, uncertain of what he was doing and why. In a way, he knew where they were going and what they were most likely going to do once they got there. But there was something about the situation that made him uncomfortable. Perhaps it was the fact that he did not want to admit to himself what he knew; and maybe more so, he did not want to admit that he wanted it. He could not help but feel that his being in Sendoh\'s car was already a sin in itself.

He continued to stare out the window. The road was dark and the street lamps gave off a strange light as they zoomed by. The sky was black -- not blue -- not navy blue -- but black. They began to leave the more \"populated\" area of the small town outside of campus and drove onto a narrower, more desolate path. The headlights were the only source paving the way into the night.

\"So, you\'re not involved with anyone now?\" Sendoh asked casually.

\"Hm? No, not at the moment...\" Kogure answered quietly.

\"I see...\" Sendoh nodded in acknowledgement.

\"My last relationship actually just ended recently...\" Kogure stated, not even sure why he felt compelled to tell a complete stranger things that some of his friends did not know. Perhaps it is the external position that a person you have just met has. They are not yet part of your life and so therefore, you find it easier to say some things.

\"Oh really?\" Sendoh paused. \"Yeah... same here...\"

Kogure turned to the other boy. \"You\'re serious?\" He asked, somewhat surprised.

\"Yeah... it was a few weeks ago...\" Sendoh stated as he slowly turned the wheel to make a turn. In the back of his mind, Kogure wondered if he was the only one who felt as though the road had become even narrower than before.

\"If you don\'nd mnd me asking...\" The bespectacled boy began. \"What happened?\"

Sendoh sighed. \"Well, you know... not really compatible... different tastes...\" The spiky haired boy answered vaguely. \"Things just didn\'t work out...\"

\"Oh...\" Kogure looked back out onto the road. The trees on the side of the path had become denser; their forms barely visible until the headlights shone on them. It seemed as though they were opening up to make for for the two, ono clo close as soon as they had passed.

\"What about you?\" Sendoh asked.

\"Huh?\" Kogure could not stop letting his mind wander. He sighed. \"Well, it\'s a bit of a long story... but, to make it short... he basically broke up with me... and...\" He paused. \"Not that he cheated on me or anything but somehow... I feel betrayed...\" Sendoh nodded, his eyes still fixated on the road. \"I don\'t know...\" Kogure continued. \"It just hurts when you put all your faith in someone and they let you down...\"

\"Well... I\'m sure it must have been hard on him too...\" Sendoh said softly. \"What was his name?\"

\"Mitsui... Mitsui Hisashi...\" Kogure said, more to himself than the boy next to him.

\"Mitsui Hisashi...\" Sendoh repeated and grinned. \"He sounds like he would be hot...\" Kogure chuckled. \"So was he?\" Sendoh teased.

Kogure sat back and smiled. \"Very...\" But for some reason, he could not help but feel a pang in his chest; it was as if something was stabbing him right in the heart. He was almost finding it hard to breathe.

\"We\'re here.\" Sendoh announced as he pulled up to the curb. Kogure coughed a bit. \"You okay?\"

Clearing his throat, Kogure replied. \" ...I\'m alright...\"

Sendoh stepped out of the car and Kogure followed his lead. They entered a partially run down apartment building. It was not elegant in any way, but at the same time, it was decent for living; it was an apartment building that a student was almost expected to live in -- affordable and somewhat cozy. They took the rickety elevator up to the 6th floor. The hallway was poorly lit and one light was flickering on and off, trying as hard as it could to provide some sort of visibility in the darkness. They walked down the hall until Sendoh came to a stop. He took out his keys and began unlocking the door. Kogure stared at the tarnished plate on the door that had the combination \'6C\' etched into it.

As they entered the apartment, Sendoh turned on the light and threw his keys down on the coffee table.

\"Make yourself at home.\" He said as he walked to his room.

Kogure nodded and slowly sat down on the beat up sofa. It was actually quite a small apartment. Perfect for one person but anything beyond that would be questionable. It was slightly messy; magazines strewn here and there, a few letters all around, some cds not on their racks. Other than that, it was neat.

\"Do you need to borrow some clothes?\" Sendoh asked as he reappeared into the living room in his boxers and a t-shirt. Kogure unconsciously looked down at his khaki slacks and button-down shirt.

\"If you have anything....\" He replied. With that, Sendoh went back into his room. Kogure looked at the clock. 2:13am. He was beginning to wonder how he was going to make it back in time for his 8:20 class. Well, missing one class should be ok. He tried to argue with himself. With that, he had decided that he would not go. Being as tired as he was, physically and emotionally, he was in no mood to be thinking about school. In the back of his mind, he realized that Rukawa would be wondering where he was since he had never missed a single day of class.

\"Here you go.\" Sendoh threw a t-shirt at Kogure, breaking his train of thought. Kogure opened up the plain navy blue t-shirt. \"If you wanna wash up the bathroom\'s over there.\" Sendoh jerked his head to the right.

\"Thanks...\" Kogure said quietly as he got up from the sofa. He went in the said direction to the bathroom, taking the t-shirt with him.

urneurned on the light and set the t-shirt down. Taking off his glasses, he began to rinse his face. When he was finished, he turned off the water and by impulse, looked into the mirror above the sink. He saw the water droplets cling to and roll down his cheeks and forehead. When he looked a little closer, he could see the weariness in his brown eyes. A small voice inside him asked, once again, what he was doing there.

He wiped his mouth and shook off the water from his hand, almost wishing that he had not looked into the mirror. He could not face anyone, not even himself. He took off his shirt and pants and slipped on the t-shirt. He wondered if he should ask for shorts and then decided not to bother; it would not really make a difference any way. He put his glasses back on and walked out of the bathroom, finding his way to Sendoh\'s room. He knocked lightly on the slightly ajar door.

\"Come in.\" Sendoh said from inside. Kogure slowly entered the room. \"Done?\" The spiky haired boy asked from where he was sitting at his desk.

\"Un...\" replied Kogure. Sendoh got up from his seat.

\"Sorry about the mess.\" He smiled at the other boy as he left the room.

\"It\'s alright.\" Kogure smiled back. He looked around. There was a pile of clothes sitting on the floor near the dresser. The desk was cluttered with papers, pens and pencils, and some more cds; the computer seemed to somehow rise out above the junk. The adjacent bed was unmade and had three pillows randomly about. Kogure sat down at the desk. He noticed the bookshelf of cds to his left and his eyes began scanning the collection. Just then Sendoh reentered the room and sat down on the bed. The small size of the room did not allow for much space between the two of them. Kogure could not help but feel as though his surroundings were closing in on him, just like the trees along the side of the road.

\"So when is your first class tomorrow?\" Sendoh asked casually.

\"8:20...\" Kogure answered.

\"Ugh...\" Sendoh grimaced. \"That sucks...\"

\"It\'s alright...\" Kogure said. \"I\'m not going.\"

Sendoh raised a brow. \"Are you sure?\" He asked, not wanting Kogure to make any impulsive decisions.

Kogure looked at the other boy, still wondering what had urged him to come here. He also could not understand why he had to constantly remind himself where he was and who he was with. He forced himself to smile. \"It\'s ok... really...\"

\"Well, if you\'re sure....\" Sendoh said reluctantly as he ged aed at the clock. \"Gee... it\'s getting a little late, isn\'t it?\"

Kogure looked over at the same direction and nodded. \"Maybe we should call it a night...\" he said quietly as Sendoh turned to him.

Sendoh smiled and replied. \"Yeah... I guess we should...\" Kogure took off his glasses and placed them neatly on the desk. \"Wow... you look different without your glasses...\" Sendoh commented.

\"So I\'ve been told...\" Kogure smiled.

\"I think you look better without them...\" Sendoh leaned over a bit. Kogure\'s heart skipped a beat. \"You have really nice eyes...\" He stated as he took a closer look at the other boy. Kogure felt as though he was at his doctor\'s office for an examination. He got up from his seat, feeling a bit jittery as he did so. He looked around for a bit.

\"Where should I...\" he trailed off.

\"The bed\'s big enough.\" Sendoh eredered, sitting back as he guessed what the other boy\'s question was. \"But it\'s up to you...\"

For a moment Kogure did not know what to say. It was as if the question he had been asking himself all night took its final form. He looked down at Sendoh\'s bed. He had known what he had come for. Now, it was time for him to decide whether or not he truly wanted it. His mind wandered back to Mitsui. \"I don\'t mind...\" he said, walking towards the bed mechanically, knowing full well that the bed was really not large enough for the two of them to sleep comfortably.

\"Great.\" Sendoh exclaimed as he got up from the bed and walked over to turn the lights out.

Kogure lawn own on the side that was against the wall. In some ways, it made him feel trapped. But in others, it made him feel secure -- as though his decision had already been made for him. He stared at the ceiling, thinking of nothing in particular. When the lights went out, he stared into the darkness. Just then he realized how lost he felt.

The weight on the bed shifted and that was when he noticed that Sendoh had crawled in as well. The taller boy sighed and Kogure found it strange that he could feel Sendoh\'s breathing pattern. It was not so much that he could feel the other boy\'s existence. But more that he could feel it, knowing that it was Sendoh and not who he wished it was. He tried to brush aside the thought.

\"Hey, can I ask something personal?\" Sendoh spoke out after a few silent minutes.

\"Sure...\" Kogure responded. He hated it when people began with that question as a introduction to the actual question; he would always by reflex, bracmselmself for whatever was to come.

Sendoh was quiet, as if trying to figure out the best way to phrase his inquiry. \"Have you ever... you know...\" He paused, hoping Kogure would understand what he was asking.

Yes... Kogure did not say anything, waiting for the other boy to finish \". \"... Slept with anyone?\" Sendoh finally blurted.

\"Yes...\" Kogure whispered. \"My last boyfriend... He was... my first.\"

\"Oh... I see...\" Sendoh replied, as if he was pondering to himself. \"Yeah... same here...\" He whispered as he turned over to face the other boy, propping himself up on his arm. He was about to touch Kogure\'s face with his other hand but then paused mid-way, waiting for any sign of refusal. When none came, he reached over and began to stroke the soft bangs that came down to the boy\'s cheekbones.

At first Kogure merely lay there, feeling the presence of Sendoh\'s fingers through his own hair. He closed his eyes and exhaled, trying to convince himself that there really was nothing wrong with what they were doing and that even if there was, it did not matter any way. Turning to face Sendoh, he propped himself up on his arm as well. He almost could not believe how close they were; he could already feel Sendoh\'s breath. Sendoh pulled his hand back, waiting to see if Kogure would do anything further. To his surprise, the seemingly shy boy did. Kogure reached out for the hand that was still hanging in the air and gently guided it over his shoulder. Following his lead, Sendoh leaned in until he was about to fall forward due to the unbalance in weight. He took the opportunity to give Kogure a small, innocent kiss on the cheek. Taking the initiative, Kogure then caught Sendoh\'s lips on his own. He was amazed at how he had nearly forgotten how soft and tender lips could be.

Sendoh returned the favor with more force then it was received. No longer bothering to balance on his arm, he allowed himself to tip over, placing Kogure half under him. Eagerly, his tongue darted out between Kogure\'s lips. Understanding the other boy\'s request, Kogure complied and opened his mouth. He found it strange, however, how Sendoh seemed tasteless. No matter how much he probed the other boy\'s mouth with his tongue and vice versa, it felt no different from drinking warm water.

Sendoh broke away and began to trail along kisses down Kogure\'s neck. Kogure wrapped his arms around the other boy, feeling a stab in his heart as he realized that he also had not felt the warmth of a body next to him in what seemed like forever. buriburied his face in the area between Sendoh\'s shoulder and neck. He tried to breath in Sendoh\'s scent, but could not. He could not even smell the scent of sweat. It was as if the boy was not completely there. Of course Sendoh was physically there -- but all Kogure could feel was nothingness. No taste. No smell. Nothing.

He felt his heart contract.

He inhaled, trying again to catch Sendoh\'s scent. It was not musky, like...

He kissed Sendoh, trying once more to taste him. It was not distinct, like...

He ran his hands through Sendoh\'s hair. It was not short and thick, l..
..

Sendoh continued to kiss downward. Kogure wondered in the back of his mind when the other boy\'s hand had began to wander up his shirt. Sendoh then pushed the shirt upwards, revealing Kogure\'s firm abdomen. It was all going too fast for Kogure to even think. His heart and mind were in turmoil and he felt helpless. He wanted it to stop -- he did not see how much he had overestimated himself. He thought he would be able to handle a one-night stand but only now, it became all too clear that he could not. He could not even bring himself to explore Sendoh\'s body; it made him feel dirty. He did not want to share his body with someone who did not care for him, did not even know him. And yet...

As much as he tried, Kogure could not will his body to stop reacting to Sendoh\'s ministrations. He felt Sendoh\'s hand reach into his boxers and enclose on his hardness. He did not want to give into the temptation but he also could not deny the fact that he yearned mor more. He thrust up towards Sendoh\'s hand. Sendoh squeezed him lightly and soon began pumping up and down along his length. Kogure shut his eyes tightly, wishing that he could think of someone else, anyone else. He dared not to think of \"him\". It hurt too much to recall the one person he loved who had become merely a ghost in his life. He dared not to even think of his name. Feeling a moist coolness on his face, he turned and wiped his face against the pillow. Only then did he realize that he was crying.

A soft kiss on his stomach jerked him back to reality. He opened his eyes and looked down, only to find Sendoh hooking his fingers around the waistband of his underwear. He could hear his heart beating loudly in his chest. The other boy deftly slipped the garment off Kogure\'s hips. The cool air hit Kogure\'s heated skin and he suddenly felt bare and vulnerable as his groin burned in anticipation. Wit det delay, Sendoh ducked down and took the tip of Kogure\'s member into his mouth. He sucked gently as he made his way further down and gradually began to swallow the older boy whole. Kogure could feel Sendoh\'s tongue rub against the underside of his manhood. The heat, the friction, the pressure. He writhed on the bed -- his body in pleasure, his heart in agony. He did not want to come into Sendoh\'s mouth.

Yet again, his body betrayed him. By reflex, he thrust into Sendoh\'s mouth, urging the other boy on. Sendoh complied and sucked so hard it began to hurt. He moved faster, taking Kogure back in as soon as he had reached the tip. Kogure felt dazed, his mind swimming in thoughts of nothing at all. He panted heavily and his skin was covered in a thin layer of sweat. He knew that he would come soon. He wanted it to stop; just like he had when they had barely began. He did not know what to do, what to think. He became frantic as he searched for an answer. He could still feel Sendoh between his legs, sucking him hard and fast. He could not deny that his body longed for the other boy. But it hurt too much. It reminded him of how there was no love connecting the two of them. It reminded him of how he needed love to share something as sacred as his body. And more so, it reminded him of the only person he loved.

He was coming closer and closer to reaching his climax. He did not want to come into Sendoh\'s mouth. He could not bring himself to...

\"SENDOH!\" He screamed at the top of his lungs. Sendoh stopped and looked up in shock, taken aback by the sudden outburst. He released Kogure and crawled up the bed to the other boy. Looking down at Kogure, he gently brushed away a few tears that had welled up in the boy\'s eyes. Kogure flinched under the touch.

\"Are you alright?\" Sendoh asked with genuine concern. Kogure brought his arm up to cover his eyes. He felt ashamed -- not only for having followed Sendoh but also for leading the boy on and not be able to live up to what was expected. He breathed slowly, trying to calm his body.

\"I-I can\'t do this...\" He finally admitted.

The corners of Sendoh\'s lips turned up in a sympathetic smile. \"It\'s ok... I understand.\"

\"I\'m sorry...\" Kogure whispered under his ragged breath.

\"Don\'t worry about it.\" Sendoh reassured as he moved over to his side of the bed. \"I\'ll drive you back in the morning.\"

Kogure did not know what to do. He actually did not expect the other boy to be so obedient. He could not think of anything else to say except, \"...thanks.\"

\"No prob.\" Sendoh grinned as they both quielay lay there in the darkness. Hoping Sendoh would not notice, Kogure silently cried himself to sleep.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Kogure woke up in his room the next morning. He felt a slight headache in memory of what had happened the previous night. He remembered stumbling to his bed after being dropped off and then....

He glanced at the clock. It was already past noon; he had missed his classes for the first time since school started. Convincing himself it was too late to do anything about it, he decided to go back to sleep. As he relaxed on his bed he heard a soft knock on his door.

Who could it be? He wondered. \"Come in.\" He said, clearing his throat and rubbing his eyes as he sat up. The doorknob turned slowly as light began to pour in through the crack. A tall figure quietly entered the room and shut the door behind him. \"Rukawa!?\" Kogure said in surprise.

\"Sempai...\" The taller boy said respectfully. \"You didn\'t come to class today.\" He said as he sat down on Kogure\'s bed, looking at the other boy\'s bloodshot eyes. Kogure seemed worn out, as if he had had a rough night. \"Are you feeling alright?\" Rukawa asked quietly as he boldly reached up to stroke Kogure\'s hair away from his face.

Kogure stared at Rukawa in disbelief as the younger boy gazed at him. He could feel the intensity in Rukawa\'s dark blue eyes, as if they were pierced through to his very soul. He did not even realize that he had forgotten to breath. \"I\'m ok...\" He said, swallowing hard as he turned away from Rukawa\'s hand. He knew he would not be able to lie to Rukawa so directly -- especially when the other boy could see through him so cly.
y.

Rukawa gently took Kogure\'s face into his hands. He looked straight into the boy\'s deep brown eyes. He wanted to say something -- anything, to comfort Kogure. But he did not know what. He was never good at saying what was on his mind, let alone what was in his heart. Instead, as he got up, he placed a soft lingering kiss on Kogure\'s forehead. Kogure\'s heart stopped. It was the single most affectionate act anyone had given him in the longest time. He closed his eyes, trynot not to cry. \"I\'ll go get some water.\" Rukawa said in his soothing soft-spoken voice.

Kogure stared at the other boy\'s retreating figure. \"Rukawa...\" He called out. He looked at the taller boy who was standing in the doorway, looking back at him. \"Thanks...\" He said under his breath but loud enough for the boy to hear.

Not knowing what else to say, Rukawa gave a small smile and nodded. Kogure fell back onto his bed, smiling to himself as the younger boy gently closed the door.

*owari*