X - Starlovers

= Starlovers =
by Katalyst

Obligatory Disclaimer: CLAMP owns X. I make no claims to it. In fact, if I owned it, it probably wouldn\'t have made it past the first manga. >.>

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Subaru stood, frozen in his doorway and blinked, not quite sure he wasn\'t hallucinating. He rubbed the back of his hand across his eyes.

Still there. Seishirou was still sitting on his couch, smiling at him, a magazine dangling loosely from his fingers.

\"Welcome home, Subaru.\"

Subaru didn\'t move. He, rightfully, didn\'t trust the assassin who was smiling at him urbanely, sitting in his apartment as if Subaru didn\'t have every right to want to rip his heart out.

And perhaps, he didn\'t quite trust himself. Even now, nine years after Seishirou destroyed his life, he could feel his pulse quicken around the older man. It was just one of the many things he hated about himself, the fact that he still loved the man had had almost broken him, and then murdered his sister.

\"Seishirou,\" he managed, keeping his voice steady and monotone.

Several moments ticked by as Subaru stared at the intruder in his apartment, wondering how Seishirou had found him, and more importantly, why the older man was sitting on his couch, acting as if he had every right to be there. Finally, he slid his shoes off and made his way to the kitchen counter. There was a pot of tea on the stove - he checked it, it was warm. There was also a covered plate of something that smelled wonderful, but Subignoignored it in favor of the tea.

He sighed, pouring himself a cup, wrapping his chilled hands around it and taking a sip. He noticed Seishirou had gone back to his magazine. He stood, inhaling the steam in silence, staring at the other man as he drank.

The world tilted around him as he finally turned to rinse out the empty cup. It was absurd and surreal. Seishirou sat in his apartment as if it was his own. As if they were...

Subaru shook off his thoughts, annoyed, and walked back to the door, sitting down to put his shoes on once again. Staying here would be stupid, inviting a confrontation. He needed to leave, to clear his head. He stood up, checking his pockets for his keys and cigarettes.

\"Going somewhere, Subaru?\" The voice startled him, and he paused, his hand on the doorknob. Warm arms slid around him, heated breath rushed over his ear. \"I wanted to wish you a happy Tanabata.\"

Tanabata... the Star Festival. The night that two lovers - stars separated by the milky way - were allowed to meet.

Subaru closed his eyes. Inhaled deeply, through a throat that was suddenly too tight. Hands that were too gentle to be real slid up to his jacket, easing it off his shoulders. He didn\'t move, hardly breathed, allowing Seishirou to pull it off, toss it aside.

He leaned back into the other man\'s arms, eyes still closed.

\"Is this a dream?\" His voice sounded worn; thin, even to himself. He couldn\'t count the times he had dreamt he was in the assassin\'s arms, just like this. Only this felt so much more real... Seishirou\'s hands caressed his arms, moving down to tangle their fingers together.

A half chuckle, spontaneous bursts of air that brushed across his neck and sent chills up Subaru\'s spine. \"Would you believe me if I said no?\"

Subaru didn\'t reply. He was shivering, a fact that had nothing to do with the antiseptic chill of his spare apartment and everything to do with the swirl of unidentifiable emotions coursing through him. He couldn\'t tell whether he wanted to laugh or to cry. He still couldn\'t open his eyes.

Seishirou lifted his hand, running his lips over the back of it. Subaru whimpered, feeling the stars Seishirou had embedded in them tingle slightly. Power, calling owerower. It was a truly intoxicating feeling, almost liberating, even while he felt trapped by Seishirou\'s mark, powerless. Prey. An object to be used and discarded. And then the older man turned his hand over, to run his lips down his palm, his wrist...

Subaru\'s eyes snapped open, and he tensed, trying to free his hand from the other man\'s grasp. It was too late, of course. Seishirou stilled, staring at the thin white line that crossed Subaru\'s wrist.

Subaru tried to say something, but the words stuck in his throat, a muffled whimper.

Moments of silence ticked by, each more agonizing then the last, as Subaru struggled to find his voice again. \"I didn\'t,\" he whispered, bowing his head, suddenly ashamed. He hadn\'t been trying to kill himself, really...

\"I know.\" Seishirou\'s lips smoothed the scar, faded with years.

Subaru pulled his hands away, wrapping his arms around his shivering body. He stared at the door, even as he allowed Seishirou to hold him, to press phantom kisses over his hair.

He shouldn\'t be allowing this. But he couldn\'t keep himself from warming every time Seishirou\'s teeth scraped along his neck or tugged at his ear.

With a sigh he pulled slightly away, turned to face Seishirou, eyes downcast, even as his chin was caught, dragged up, and Seishirou leaned down to kiss him.

He was not gentle, but Subaru didn\'t expect gentleness. Their kiss skirted the edges of savage, too much passion fighting to be released. Subaru\'s head swam with it, with so many conflicting desires that he wondered how his body could contain so much emotion. His breath stilled in his throat, and he could see stars on eyelids that had just slid shut, and he felt like he was falling, melting.
ishiishirou broke away, and Subaru, pulled tightly against the older man, could feel breath rushing in and out of his chest. He let his head rest on it, listening for the rapid heartbeat that echoed his own, suddenly feeling weak, boneless. He inhaled deeply. Seishirou still smelled the same, the acrid smell of cigarettes blended with aftershave, and ever so faintly, sakura.

\"When was the last time you ate, Subaru?\" The words didn\'t make sense at first, Subaru was so dazed. He barely registered the sigh, then Seishirou\'s strong hands were on his shoulders, pushing him away. He blinked, confused, up into Seishirou\'s gaze.

\"Subaru, when was the last time you ate?\" Seishirou was staring at him with what, in anyone else, could be read as concern. Subaru noticed the corners of his mouth were tight, as if holding back a smile.

He paused for a moment, struggling to focus, and shrugged. He couldn\'t remember. Did it really matter? He was in Seishirou\'s arms and it was almoske dke dying.

Seishirou sighed, shook his head, and lead him back to the kitchen, as if he was a child. Subaru wanted to say something, but instead let Seishirou reheat the plate of food that was on the counter, pushing it and a pair of chopsticks into his hands.

Subaru ate, mostly to avoid Seishirou\'s eyes. He didn\'t taste it. All he could taste was Seishirou. He knew he was blushing, could feel Seishirou\'s gaze on him.

When he was finished, Seishirou rinsed his plate, then pulled him into an embrace, lips pressed to his hairline in a kiss that was almost parental. Subaru closed his eyes, trying to make the closeness last forever, trying to shut out the part of him that was screaming in rage for ever allowing Seishirou to touch him.

When Seishirou stepped away, Subaru stayed there, one hand reaching out to the kitchen counter to sy hiy himself, eyes still closed.

He heard Seishirou walking away. Listened to him putting on his shoes. His hand clenched on the counter. Seishirou was walking out of his life again. But he couldn\'t let that happen. Not tonight, of all nights.

\"Going somewhere, Seishirou?\"

There was a slight pause in Seishirou\'s movement, barely noticeable. Subaru opened his eyes, turned and made his way across the apartment, catching Seishirou around the waist just as he was reaching for his jacket.

\"Did you come here just to make I a I ate?\" Subaru pressed his forehead against Seishirou\'s back. He was shaking again. He wondered vaguely if he had ever stopped, even as he let his hands slide down Seishirou\'s stomach, hooking trembling fingers into the waistband of his slacks. He ran his fingertip around the curve of the button, almost teasingly.

Seishirou\'s muscles were tense, and he stood perfectly still. Subaru straightened to brush his lips over the back of Seishirou\'s neck. \"I wish you wouldn\'t go,\" he said quietly.

It was a night for wishes. All across Japan, people were praying for their wishes to come true. At one time, Subaru and his sister would have done the same. However, he was not so foolish anymore.

Seishirou shuddered very slightly unSubaSubaru\'s lips. Then, suddenly, he turned to face Subaru, grabbing a thin wrist in an almost vicious grip. Subaru stepped back, uncertainly. Seishirou pushed more, turning him so that he was pressed up against the wall, then pinned him. Subaru\'s eyes were wide with surprise and just the slightest bit of fear as Seishirou stared at him impassively, holding his wrist above his head painfully.

\"You want me to stay?\" Seishirou\'s free hand pulled slightly at the waistband of Subaru\'s pan

S

Subaru stared up at Seishirou, breath caught in his throat. He could feel himself blushing. \"I...\" The words wouldn\'t come past the knot in his throat. He raised his free hand to brush over Seishirou\'s face, falling to his lips. He pulled against the older man\'s grip, ignoring the pain and stretching to press his mouth to Seishirou\'s.

Finally, his wrist was released, and hands grasped his shoulders, pulling in in closer, for another kiss that struck him like a punch, so intense that he got lost in the pain and pleasure of it.

The world was spinning and Subaru was clutching at Seishirou\'s suit jacket barely kicking his shoes off as the older man pulled at him, drew him away from the door and through the living room, into Subaru\'s bedroom.

Seishirou pushed him down to sit on the bed, leaning down to nip almost painfully at Subaru\'s neck as he slid his hands up under Subaru\'s turtleneck, pulling it up and over his head in a k mok motion. Subaru shivered as Seishirou\'s hands slid over his naked chest, pushing him farther back until Subaru was barelyportporting himself with his elbows. Seishirou had lowered his lips to ghost into the hollow at the base of Subaru\'s throat, brought his hands up to slide over Subaru\'s chest.

Subaru arched into Seishirou\'s touch caugcaught his lip between his teeth as the older man brushed his fingers over a nipple and nipped at his collarbone almost playfully. Seishirou leaned over him, kissing him again, and Subaru helplessly pressed into it, moaning softly. He could feel fingers at the waistband of his pants, deftly undoing the button, tugging at the zipper, shivering as Seishirou\'s hands slid under him, pulling his remaining clothing off of his body.

Seishirou pulled away after a minute, with a low chuckle. He stood up and Subaru watched hicertcertainly. He couldn\'t see more than the other man\'s silhouette against the light from the other room. He sat up, pulling his legs onto the bed, and sliding back on it a bit as he watched Seishirou shed his clothing.

Seishirou moved back towards him, and he was uncomfortably reminded of being stalked. Even in the dark, Seishirou\'s gaze was intense, predatory. It was a tangible presence, and Subaru shivered, feeling vaguely as if he had willingly walked into a trap. A hand slid up his body, and he was being pushed back into the bed, as Seishirou moved over him, settling between his legs.

Subaru froze, catching his lower lip between his teeth as Seishirou\'s hands slid down his body, caressing him. He clung to the older man as knowing hands traveled lower, stroking him, wringing small, involuntary cries from him. Seishirou\'s mouth ghosted over his shoulder, moved lower to scrape teeth over a nipple, and Subaru arched into the touch.

He used to have dreams of this, before. He used to imagine Seishirou taking him, gently, tenderly. Reality was nothing like dreams - it was harder, sadder. The older man\'s hands had moved under him, pulling him closer, his legs farther apart. He watched in the dim light as Seishirou reached over to the nightstand, hand closing around the small bottle of lotion there. He turned his face aside, pressing it into the pillow and squeezing his eyes shut as Seishirou pressed fingers inside him.

Seishirou was impatient; barely spending the time to prepare him before taking him. Subaru didn\'t care. He didn\'t expect or want anything more; certainly not tenderness. He didn\'t want the illusion of love, of care, and even if he had, Seishirou didn\'t allow him to have it. Being with him was hard and violent and cruel, and it was like dying only sweeter and more intense and oh god, he was crying, hot, round tears slipping down his face as he let out a strangled yell, burying his face into Seishirou\'s shoulder and praying for this to never stop, ever.

He only dimly heard Seishirou\'s sigh; felt the lips smoothing away his tears with uncharacteristic tenderness as he sobbed, all his tangled emotions fighting to be free. The other man rolled slightly to settle onto the bed, still holding him close. Another gentle kiss was pressed to his forehead and his damp hair was brushed back, as Seishirou chanted almost inaudibly. Subaru felt the subtle threads of Seishirou\'s spell tugging at him, dragging him into sleep, and he gave into it, exhausted.

The world faded away, and Seishirou held him, and it was the closest thing to happiness he had felt in nine years.