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Reviews for As the Smoke Clears #4 in Rivalry Series

By : kurahieiritrJIO

From ANON - Raen on July 19, 2014
You Know you really need to fix this... it's doubled XD
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From ANON - Anon on December 07, 2013
*claps* that was hot... very hot... lol dunno whether it was my suggestions or not that helped you with the writer's block but n.n glad you got it out and as always your sex scenes make me squirm... *fangirl squeal* oh... I suggest reading the webcomics Avarice and Young Protectors by Yaoi 911 young protectors isn't done but the writer of both comics is like you... sorta... well like you in the sense that he prefers his characters being more realistic in character than fantastical... I think you'd like Avarice at least. Young Protectors is a superhero based Yaoi webcomic. n.n hope they help in inspiration email me more it's nice to talk to you :3
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From ANON - Old Owl on May 05, 2013
I read two chapters, I figured I should because they belong together. The first Chapter 37 was intriguing. I didn`t know that ceremonies could get so elaborite. You did a lot of reserch my friend. The way that the scenes were set up, dialogue, and how many of their friends were going to be there was sweet. It brought a tear to my eyes knowing all the problems they had overcome and more to follow. Chapter 38 was the ceremony, how fantastic being there must have been. The decorations, dialogue, priest being there and how very much they meant what they said, made it more meaningful. You did a great job hon, I really appreciate it.
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From ANON - Old Owl on May 05, 2013
I read two chapters of your prose this morning. Chapter 35, one small problem; Paragraph 19- Fujiwara, nephew/ Fujiwara in fresh scars, nephew. You have a flair with the English language. The scenes, dialogue, confusion on the part of their teammates were correct in every detail. I saw a concern for Takumi that was humbling. Very good my friend. Chapter 36, was in a restaurant. The care that the three men took of little Hikaru was very wonderful. For someone with no parenting skills that he knows of Keisuke is doing a very good job of being a Dad. The scenes, the tenderness between their teammates and them, dialogue and how the threesome try to answer questions that Lupine asks is awesome. A very good chapter to read, it sort of calms you down. What next?
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From ANON - Old Owl on May 04, 2013
I had to read four chapters this time. Chapter 31; Paragraph 6-tries to take/tries take. Paragraph 68-rest he was intriqued/ rest was intriqued. Wow, you did not pull any punches. You have the right stuff; the scenes, dialogue and other things were correct in every angle. Chapter 32 made me wish my signicant other was here. Definately lemon, the heat was there. Wheew! Chapter 33- a confrontation with one grandmother who was being nasty to Itsuke was something to behold. Keisuke and Takumi standing up for him was great. The tension in the room was there. Great dialogue, scenes, standing up for the third in their threesome was humbling. Chapter 34- Was a realization that, they could make the ceremony more than it meant was wonderful. All of those parts I meantioned before were there. I enjoy reading something this good. Can`t burn myself out. Bye.
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From ANON - Old Owl on May 04, 2013
I just read three more chapters in your story. In Chapter 28, the only way that Keisuke could keep his family safe was get them out of the hospital. Reading about the two things that caused his change of heart were correct. They have a long way to go. Scenes, dialogue, and togetherness all are great. Chapter 29, two small problems; Paragraph 30- good/goo, Paragraph 46- ate/at. This is a touching look into how Hikaru was brought up. The scenes, dialogue, and way that Hikaru is reassured are excellent. Chapter 30, a hoot. Keisuke having an arguement with his brother is priceless. Scenes of the brothers fighting, dialogue, frustration on both parts, point blank, you got it friend. Hope to read more, soon.

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From ANON - Old Owl on May 04, 2013
I just finished three chapters in your saga my friend. Chapter 25; the same as the last except, it is at Twyla`s home. I get to see Martonelli in action, what a pain. Just right to battle Ryosuke. Excellent scenes, dialogue, conflict to come. The next chapter 26; Paragraph 4 he/h he. Interesting intriguing, hot. Hee, hee, hee. Very good lemon scenes, didn`t know three could fit in bathtub at hospital. The dialogue, heat, touching of the three was on point. Chapter 27; two of the three poisoned, no!!!! Keisuke`s thoughtfulness in getting his life mate`s car there is great. Haven`t yet seen how Takumi and Itsuke are doing, next chapter? The scenes are stellar, dialogue great, intriquing how Tatsuhiko san manages to make a point about cars making difference.
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From ANON - Old Owl on May 03, 2013
Hmmmmmm, okay, that`s something I never thought of, hmmmmm, okay. You have me blushing my friend. The way you set the scene is exact, the dialogue telling, and the sex well....... Very, very, interesting, in the best way I can think of... What are those three going to be up to next.
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From ANON - Old Owl on May 03, 2013
Wow, I can see problems if Itsuke doesn`t take Keisuke up on his offer. Very graphic, very rousing, very sad--- how the slavers got their `property` to preform even if they didn`t want to. You were right on with setting the scene, dialogue, frustration, and anguish. Very good. I admire Keisuke for admitting he hasn`t got the stamina to keep up. Wow, as I said before. Keep writing and revising my friend.
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From ANON - Old Owl on May 03, 2013
Excellent chapter 21, it was slightly lemon but you knew that. Paragraph 24 is disconnected. Paragraph 29- his/hiss? Dialogue is right on, can tell who is talking to who. You make it sound like there wasn`t enough room to have sex in the bathroom, more than enough my dear. Enjoyed it thoughly, interesting ways to go about having sex. Must read on.
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From ANON - Old Owl on May 03, 2013
Wow, Takumi has an inheritance. Is it possible that Rin was an aunt or related in some way? I`m confused about a phrase in here. Seven paragraphs from the bottom of the chapter 20, `I`m happy to continue working for you would like`, huh? Aside from that You did great. Dialogue point to point; confusion, rampent; scenes, little-- the dialogue is too important for anything like that. My typing is improving, yahoo. Must get more reading done.
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From ANON - Old Owl on May 03, 2013
The way the chapter starts is very hard but understandable, the possibilities of loosing Keisuke`s love are real for Takumi. Keisuke has been supportive of everything Takumi and Itsuke need to have done. Excellent story telling, very good getting to root of Takumi`s feelings, wonderful how supportive Keisuke is, and the dialogue is first rate. The story in this chapter flowed hon. Must get more reading done.
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From ANON - Old Owl on May 02, 2013
Just finished reading three chapters, wow. Sammy has her hands full but is getting on with her Japanese group. I especially enjoyed how she introduced them to three Legends. Precise, excited `brought a smile to me lips` and damn cute were the only words to describe how It was. As usual, you are getting much better, dialogue on point. Seems like a rodeo but I like it. Descriptions are correct, not wanting anything. Good read. The next chapter was heart wrenching, seeing how much each man means to the others... don`t break them up. The next chapter was sobering, psychiastic can either make or break you. You made it work, Cudos my friend, you made almost everything clear and excellent dialogue in all. Must go.
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From ANON - Old Owl on May 01, 2013
I hate courtrooms. The amount of torture that the bf had to go through is horrible. The dialogue is on point, the descriptions are graphic and the way Keisuke feels is understandable. Excellent story telling in this chapter. Must read on.
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From ANON - Old Owl on May 01, 2013
What a heart wrenching scene I just went through. Itsuke and Takumi talking about their horrendous time in that hell hole. What Itsuke had to do in order to stay alive. I give him `chops` for helping his best friend out when he wasn`t breathing. You could tell the anguish in Itsuke`s voice when he told of some of the things he had to do. Takumi asked for his forgiveness for not being able to save him from the torture. They both had a lot of healing to do. Itsuke felt like he had to say good bye for a bit. He didn`t understand his feelings for Takumi except to say that he loved Tak in a different way. He has to sort things out. Wow, what power in this chapter.
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