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Reviews for Sinners: Arc 2

By : Stormborn Apostle

From Pokeprof on September 04, 2009
What can be said about the length, drama, effort, and shear overwhelming experiences that your characters undertake that hasn't been said already. It's probably going to be the longest chapter in all of your work (For Sinners at least, and I hope we do get to see some of your other stuff soon, since I would ever so enjoy reading a Legend of Zelda from you.) and while you may not be the best writer when it comes to battle scenes, you've greatly improved and it was quite an enjoyable read.

Now for the stuff I'm curious/thought was bad/thought needed work on. The first thing I liked to bring up was the battles themselves. While I did find them improved from before, I found that you, especially later on in the Gardevoir/Aggron fight, simply called the Pokemon attacks names on what they were doing. And while any Pokemon fan (Myself included) will know what Rock Polish and other such moves would do, I can't help think that a little more description, especially when the moves first appear, would help. Also, I wonder why Kiako mentioned his ability as something more akin to Self Destruct instead of Explosion, the latter being more powerful and sounding much more worthy of killing someone of Rayquaza's power. I honestly won't go into how a Gardevoir would go about using Focus Blast and Mirror Shot, considering that attack moves are one of the few Pokemon rules you could break if you're smart about it, and you're clearly just that. I will say that I don't care if that Aggron is strong enough to fight on par with Rayquaza at full strength, a fully supped up Focus Blast is going to do enough damage to Aggron that he shouldn't be moving after such a blow, much less being able to do the stuff he did.

A thing that confused me. As we know, this Veil is an evil energy that's being held back by the Old King (Aka, the Greatest one, as I'm guessing.) and is something that, regardless, would be about corrupting the life about it and blew up Mt. Chimney, why would it suddenly vanish once Rayquaza cut off Kiako's arm. Yes, I know it's probably part of this 'Shadow' that's the Veil's true nature, but why would removing that remove the corruption? From what Mr. Green Dragon said, once Kiako's arm went bye bye, the entire Veil went along with it, and I thought it was a lot more then that.

Another thing I want to get clear. Just how healing are those Pokecenters? From the Ambush of Magma back when Psymako evolved, it seemed that they couldn't just stick the Pokemon into a healing cycle and have them pop out all nice and healthy a little while later. I ask this because with the extensive injuries some of the cast has suffered, especially Blaziken's arms, I'm wondering if they're going to be able to function at all, much less fight in the future.

Final thoughts for the moment is something that another reviewer brought up about the whole religon aspect you added when you first strated this story. I'm quite curious if you would have any other views for the Pokemon world Religions, like how Acurus shaped the universe according to D/P/Plat lore and how that might different from Jarachiism. In fact, I would think there would be at least one Pokemon Religion that wouldn't frown upon Pokemon/Human pairings.

Overall, though, I can't wait for more stuff from you, Slash, and while I love Sinners, let's see something from another universe soon (perhaps Zelda).
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From ANON - zero on September 03, 2009
hey greate work i was bening to think that yo may take far longer to update but thanks i was wordth it i had to re read from the bery begining so i could remember this fic greate work can't wait for more keep it up
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From xain34 on September 02, 2009
"This explosion was even more vicious than the previous, which had nearly killed him, and Kiako screamed in unbridled agony as his body tore itself apart from the force of his own power."

I forgot to read the last leg...So I'm still reading it apparently. o_o;
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From xain34 on September 02, 2009
One thing still confuses me Slash, his body tore itself apart, does that REALLY mean the end for him?

Because if it isn't it's a bit of a Dues Ex Machina in itself. o_o;
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From xain34 on September 02, 2009
You were wrong Slash, it took me two days to go through it all, and I loved every minute of it. XD

It was fucking epic...I must read more, in chapters of 200,000. o_o

I would then be complete. ^_^

I don't care if people call me a fanboy, I know great work when I see it. It being long gives me something to read...And I love Reading.
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From ANON - Sikozu Danicelle on September 02, 2009
This.
Is.
EPIC!

I've been reading Sinners for awhile now, and I haven't been disappointed. Not even once. The plot runs smoothly, and it both twists and turns in some spots, while in others it seems to be smooth sailing. I love the characters, and the whole story is really quite wonderful. I want to give Psymakio a hug.

I salute you sir, and all that you do. *bows*
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From Stormborn Apostle on September 02, 2009
ragdoll---Heh, amazing lucky considered how rarely I update. Like finding a shiny Pokemon or something. XD

Even after all the positive reviews, I still don't think I'm that good at writing battles...but indeed, I did enjoy giving the Pokemon a chance to shine. Growlithe's moment is yet to come; he's acknowledged that his power is inferior to his packmates, and he'll dedicate himself to catching up. It helps that a certain Fire-user Gym Leader is buddies with them now, huh? :-D

Kiako's false bottom falling out is the best description I've heard for his near-breakdown. For all of his power and pride, he's still human (if only partly), and unsure of his origins, purpose, and his place in the world. I'm eager to write the first reappearance of Kiako, mending at Rocket Headquarters, and all the conflicting thoughts swirling through his mind. He may have a few questions for Giovanni, as well...

The name melding is a complete coincidence (although it's also an awesome guess, and indeed fits perfectly in an accidental way). The name Kiako is one that I thought up waaaay back in middle school---thought up at random because it sounded Japanese to me, as I was an anime dork from the first time I saw DBZ, lol. Miyako was chosen because it sounded pretty and had an appropriate meaning (Slash even used it as a base for Psymakio's name; how he knew what it meant...well, don't ask too many questions, lol...). Quiero...the whole want and desire meaning drew me to it. So yeah, totally a coincidence with Kiako, but a cool one, heh.

I knew that I'd be making Torkoal the strongest of the good guys' Pokemon when I began the chapter, but he evolved into an ancient badass during my writing, heh. The only one of the good guys' Pokemon capable of matching (and even overwhelming) the incredible powerful Rocket Pokemon, honorable, willing to die to protect his teammates...unfortunately that meant that he was most likely to be killed, too. I thought about writing the final clash between him and Drapion---two mortally wounded Pokemon ending their lives with a final duel---but leaving it calm and ambiguous looked a lot more...well, fitting.

Kiako's Pokemon definitely believe in his pursuits, to the point of willing to die for it. And while Kiako isn't a swell guy, he's willing to risk his life for them, as well. The Rockets in Sinners generally train and bond with their own Pokemon (though likely not as closely as Kiako and his Pokemon), but this is not an absolute; the process of "mind breaking", which has only been alluded to thus far, will be a subversion of this, and only the most monstrous Rockets will use Pokemon that have been forced into doing their bidding.

And heh, I liked writing a (fairly) happy ending, too.

General Review---I don't intend to stop for a long time, and my break between uploading Cataclysm and starting the next chapter is only a few days; I plan to start writing chapter 30 tomorrow.

J. Winter---I am pleased to see people recognizing the references. It'll never get to the point of actual DT stuff showing up---even things like the Black Thirteen are taken in name only---but I'd be lying if I said that I don't enjoy sneaking in a few references now and then, heh. It'll be limited, though.

Jack Nativity---You're still reading Sinners! :-D

It takes no great predicative power to see the rape coming---Rayquaza is gravely concerned over the fact that the Aquas won't kill her but may hurt her, and all the possibilities that implies. He was clawing through hundreds of humans and thousands of Pokemon for a week trying to find her, and not just because his own well-being was on the line.

Sorry if you didn't think it was realistic---I am certainly not an expert. I just preferred to use my limited experience as the basis for the reaction because it's something I saw first-hand, since even a great deal of research cannot replicate seeing a loved one go through such an ordeal. There is, of course, a great deal of difference between being brave enough to go outside and take care of one's cats and being brave enough to stand down a brutal criminal with a gun and an iron monster for backup---but the reason for both actions is the same; something to cling to, something to help one forget. The possibility of Katarina wanting to be killed in the course of her duties is also something that cannot be ignored.

The main issue with Slash's dealings with Katarina is the issue of time. A volcano is threatening to destroy a large portion of the country, a god is near death, and the guys who want to destroy the world are dangerously close to succeeding. He did what I would have done (and I again defend this by stating that I'm only willing to operate on my personal observations)---leaving the "healing" care to the females who don't seem to scare her, and, when time began running out, nudging her with the reminder that she has something depending on her. This is only the beginning of Katarina's recovery---when she is brought to Mauville, no longer the Sky Maiden and forced to confront what happened, that courage may break down. And since Rayquaza can't hang around Mauville while everyone recovers...she'll have to do it without her best friend's help and rely on her new and still-unfamiliar friends, one of whom is going through her own loss.

Again, sorry if you thought it was portrayed poorly. I did my best to keep it strictly non-fetishized and keep the reactions (both of Katarina and Slash/Flannery's packs) as realistic as I could. Considering that it's a world of god-dragons and magical egg-guardians, I would argue that my extrapolation wasn't entirely unreasonable, but hey, you don't like it, that's your right.

Incidentally, Slash being a "Pokemon vigilante" is actually a rather nice description of him. As he discussed in the desert, he's rapidly becoming uncomfortable with the typical trainer lifestyle, from the use of friends in fights for sport to the hit-and-run training tactics against wild Pokemon. At the risk of spoiling some future chapters, I can tell you that Slash will, in fact, eventually rebel against the trainer system, abandoning the Gym Leader quest and the random battles and only fighting against those who are trying to fuck up the world...and on the way he will fight against what he and his pack perceive as abuse against Pokemon, as well (the slavery parallel with Pokemon ownership is another future issue in the story). Indeed, he is a vigilante who will fight on behalf of Pokemon and a vigilante who uses Pokemon to protect what he holds dear. This is, in fact, his whole character---becoming the new Prince figure who must protect both human and Pokemon alike while trying not to become a tyrant in the process. Very observant! :-D

Thanks for your continued reading! Should you continue doing so, I hope that you eventually find something you like in the story someday! :-D

Skyler---Nah.

Max---Heh, showing the chapter (and the last few chapters, in fact) from Growlithe's perspective would indeed be a little sad. He started out as Slash's first Pokemon, his original Kaishakunin. Now he's fallen behind, both in terms of power and importance to the pack (he would not be jealous of Psymakio, though; if anything he'd be worried about failing her in front of Slash). As I mentioned, he will indeed be training with Flannery and her Pokemon, and since he's the only member of Slash's pack to come out of the Cataclysm mostly unscathed, he'll have plenty of time to do it.

His moment is yet to come, but it'll come. And after the month-long timeskip, Cacnea will be growing his spikes and reaching the age of becoming battle-capable---and Slash did promise to train him eventually.

Vyers---Knowing that Sinners is compelling enough to keep the attention of people who don't like it is actually kinda neat, lol.

And as previously mentioned, she wasn't fine---a better description would be in denial---although yes, it will be continued to be dealt with in the next chapter. She'll eventually get a "happy ending"---or as happy as one can get after losing her family, her town, and her innocence. I don't mind spoiling the story to say that much.
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From ANON - Max on September 02, 2009
Good to see more, and a whole heaping load of more it was. It was delicious.

That aside, it has been somewhat disheartening to imagine growlithe's perspective in all this, but hopefully Flannery trains him and blah blah he'll be good. Other'n that having the cacnea semi-worthless is somewhat counted on I guess so I'll bear with for a while.

Anyways, hopefully not too much comes in the way of that next chapter, and hopefully the reviews don't turn into a horrific flame-war. I won't even try to explain why, it'd probably just make things worse.

Regards,
Max
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From on September 02, 2009
Oh, this is going to end badly.
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From ANON - Jack Nativity on September 01, 2009
I can't believe it. You went there again. You used child rape as a plot device in the story, and poorly at that. That's twice so far, by my count, to characterize Slash as some sort of DARK AND EDGY Pokemon vigilante, and give cheap thrills to the story. I actually called the child rape ahead of time after you mentioned that the girl was just a kid and that she was captive.

I said I wouldn't review your story again and remind you of your shortcomings as a writer, but this was so beyond the pale that I had to return to this den of never-ending praise. I was doing my thing, reading and laughing at your expense as always, and then I get to the rape scene. I get angry for being right about the "squick". Then I get even angrier when you make the little girl suddenly snap out of her believable catatonic state after she has been constantly raped for days, if not WEEKS, by Aquas and Pokemon alike. Then I am intensely saddened when Slash just treats her as an exposition device after she's said her piece and leaves her. And THEN it all goes to shit when I scroll past the never-ending, derivative fighting and find that not only has the little ten-year-old not stayed in the cavern as asked, but she shows up in the final fight scene to support Slash.

You wrote this armed with a single anecdote of life experience instead of doing the research on the trauma and multi-faceted reality of rape, even though you seem to be aware of it. You treat a ten-year-old not as a child but as some sort of super-being with an iron will, not two hours after getting out of a state of misery and a mind-breaking existence. You used this instance of rape, at best, trivially. At worst, you just tacked it on to up the shock value.

As Imasuky Lomae put it, this is beyond words.
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From zentillion on September 01, 2009
And so, Cataclysm came at last. The short of it: OH MAH GAH.

The long of it: I loved the fights, the mood, the performances. There are some negligible issues, but they've already been gone over by the other reviews for this chapter, so I'll spare you more of the same. It was epic, it was huge, it took me two sessions to read, it took a while to get here, but it was worth it.

So, the Dark Tower references were intentional, were they? Hmhmhm, I see, I see. And there will be more, no doubt. Just don't get too heavy on them, don't want it to look like you're completely ripping stuff off. I probably won't mind much, but others...? Yeeeeah. Gotta be careful about those sorts of things.

Anyway, I enjoyed it. Now, onto some lighter, fluffier issues for a little while! FLUUUUFFFF.
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From ANON - General Review on August 31, 2009
You evil, terrible, unbelivably awsome person you. You are evil for making us wait that long, terrible for making the chapter that long and unbelievably awsome for the...i dint even know a word to describe it, perfection is the closest i acn come to descrbing the climax of all of what you have written into the amazing series, turning what was a short story hardly worth mentioning into an epic saga the likes of which i have never read before. There are still some things like the aftermath that you must mention and if you do what some authors do and end it here, putting mentioms of what happens in the next arc, i will begin to dislike you with great intensity but if you dont do that, i believe you can take a well deserved break...after you write that last chapter i mentioned.
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From aragdoll on August 31, 2009
[Oh I hate you, AFF. I hate you so much. Let's type this whole review out again.]
[And again, goddamn crlf shenannigans]

I actually saw the chapter go up! I was using your page as a link to Pokemon>General, and between me clicking the link and the page loading, you'd updated.

Also, Sinners snags another milestone for me. It was already the first fanfiction I ever read, and the longest I've been following an independant story. It now also holds the title of the longest single update in any fanfiction I've come accross.

Not that I'm saying the quantity outstrips the quality - far from it.

The events of this chapter were amazing, and told so well that I'm pretty sure I could draw a map of the terrain covered and mark out each major happening.

Slash's team getting some focus was nice. With all the corrupt gods and hourglasses and internal battles of late, they haven't really had a chance to be much more than bodyguards. Seeing them battle on their own merit and getting reminded of their personalities was cool.

Kiako... it's like a false bottom has fallen out of his character, revealing a whole new level of depth. It'll be interesting to see where, if anywhere, he goes from here. I doubt a mere city-destroying explosion will be enough to finish him off, though. I also noticed something odd (though it was probably supposed to be obvious and I'm just slow). If Quiero is pronounced "Ki-er-o" and Miyako is pronounced "Me-yah-ko", is Kiako a marriage of the two names? I could make some mostly-uneducated guesses at what, if anything, that would mean, but I think it would be much too early to do so.

I was a bit saddened to see Flannery's Torkoal die, but I think everyone saw it coming. Somebody had to lose a teammate in this battle, and the young taking up the mantle of the old is an obvious theme in this tale. I would've liked to have his final battle with the Drapion detailed, but as it was I actually entertained a scene in which they just swap stories as they fade away. They seemed to have a grudging respect for each other after the battle, and the Drapion is clearly less cruel than it appeared, allowing Torkoal to talk with Magcargo uninterrupted.

Aggron taking the blow for Kiako was awesome. It is refreshing to see antagonists with Pokemon that actually support their cause, rather than the usual "they are evil and their Pokemon are slaves" take on things.

The finale with Rayquaza annihilating the ash and flying off into the sunset was just awesome. It felt like it could've been the end of one of the canonical movies to me, and that really reinforced the authenticity of the whole chapter.

As always, I can't wait for the next update (:
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From Stormborn Apostle on August 31, 2009
Perfect Purity---Thanks, I fixed it.

It's close to the end, especially in terms of sheer length, lol. There will be like, four or five more chapters (rough estimate, don't quote me on that), but none will be nearly this long. I'm hoping very much to have chapter 30 out in September, and 31 and 32 before October's done. I'm HOPING.

And...yeah...I took those off my "goals for this year" (and changed it to "goals for the nearish future") after realizing just how impossible that goal is, lol. I was hoping no one would notice... XD

Satoku---That's alright. I did take a long time, after all.

The issue of Katarina's reaction has been brought up in a couple e-mails and a livejournal post; I'll try to explain it on AFF so I don't gotta say it a bunch of times. Everyone has different reactions to being raped---some indeed become near-catatonic (some to the point of being a milder version of Caska from Berserk, even). Some do the stereotypical (and tragic, when it happens) shaking/crying/showering repeatedly to clean themselves deal. Some try to act like it never happened. There's no one 'correct' reaction, and it's kind of depressing to see how few reactions are shown in the media, because there's a huuuuge spectrum for it. My portrayal of Katarina is based off of my only experience with such a monstrosity---a friend of mine who went through it---and thus the only portrayal I felt comfortable showing, for fear of "getting something wrong". The initial shock and "muteness" was what I saw happen in my friend---an absolute refusal to talk to anyone, and getting upset when anyone persisted in trying to comfort her. I had Katarina cling to Flannery (and Psymakio to a far lesser extent) because, again in my personal experience, my friend clung to a female friend she was much less close to than myself, her best friend (I later learned that she felt uncomfortable around me because I'm a guy, regardless of how close we were). As for her seemingly quick recovery, Katarina was reminded of her duty and thus clung to it; my friend was mostly shaken out of the "shock stage" when constantly reminded of (and this may sound funny) her multitude of pets, which her family had taken care of while she was still refusing to leave her room. It didn't matter so much what it was---it was that it gave her something to focus on and take her mind off of it enough to recover gradually. Katarina was reminded of the urgency of the situation and her position (at Slash's urging; he tried what worked when his cousin was raped, as will be mentioned later), and she focused everything on that. The problem, of course, is that unlike my friend, who was able to gradually heal while engaging in activity, Katarina will reach Mauville, without her position, and thus will be forced to confront it. It's an extrapolation, but it's a fairly reasonable response based on what I witnessed, and the most difficult parts of her recovery are yet to come.

As for the reaction of the Pokemon, Blaziken would indeed have thorough knowledge of such things---as the Kaishakunin of a Gym Leader, who is the closest thing cities have to a mayor, he would be well acquainted with human affairs due to being near Flannery, including crime. Manectric was confused by what he saw, but he's not stupid; he and Blaziken heard what was happening (and the unmistakable sounds of pain and fear; couple this with Manectric's excellent sense of smell) and broke in to find it going on. He saw a little girl bleeding and being attacked by their enemies, and even one with no prior knowledge of rape would be shaken by the sight of someone in so much pain and shock. Confused, he left the building and Growlithe (who, as Slash's first Pokemon and original "Kaishakunin", would know all that Slash did) had to talk to him for a while to get him to come back in.

Pokemon who reproduce in "normal" ways all have mates; there may be a wide variety of mating processes, but they all come down to "Pokemon loving each other". To see the exact opposite of that, coupled with such violence and her fear...they'd figure it out easily enough.

As for Kiako, Aggron said it best---he never could decide on what he wants. Kiako's backstory is, so far, not yet shown, but I can say this much without spoiling anything major...Kiako grew up with his Pokemon as his only real friends, and he treats them as such. They're nakama, all working for the same goal---to put Kiako in power. However, while he can be caring toward his team, he also needs to appear ruthless and commanding (both to others and to himself), and thus he occasionally acts like kind of a dick, even when he's doing something honorable (like refusing to let Aggron get killed for his sake). It's pride, really. He can be "nice", but even when he is, he does it in a dickish way because he has a strong need to appear cold and ruthless. He would have acted differently if they had been alone and facing, say, a wild Pokemon, but surrounded by enemies? Very different story.

Kiako's backstory will be explained relatively soon. His origin was hinted at in one of the plotmails I sent out a long time ago...speaking of which, I need to make more of those...

Heh, I know I can be a little...heavy with expository dialogue/thoughts. I plead guilty.

There will not be a chapter of this size for a long, long time (if ever). The ultimate climax of the entire story might be a mega-long one, but the average chapter should be much smaller (like 6000-12000 words), with the occasional long one (20000-30000) for really, really important events (like arc climaxes, or really long sexings, rofl). I knew this chapter would be long when I started it, but I intended for it to be another 30k ordeal...but it ended up exploding, lol, and I'll avoid that happening again in the future, both for simplicity and so I can update more frequently...

The chapter with Slash's family is one I've thought about for a very long time, and it'll include a lot more than mating bond tensions. Slash's father was a trainer, too, so there will be a myriad of questions about Slash's career and adventures, especially about the adventures that nearly killed him. I won't spoil anything about that one, heh.

I like reviews like this---it's concrit and thus exactly what I want. I mean, I don't mind the overflowing praise, but I gotta have concrit feedback so I can keep in form, lol. I'll try to cut on the non-narrator exposition and the like in future chapters, heh. The next chapter (currently untitled) should be out in September, and feature the characters after having one month to recover from their injuries, and might deal with Kiako's aforementioned brooding, although I might save that for a separate chapter.

Imasuky Lomae---Partially, yes. Kiako refuses to be a trainer who hides behind his Pokemon, but he also doesn't want his friends to die. And his Pokemon are his friends, and are perhaps the only real friends he has. Few beings can call Kiako an idiot and live to tell about it...
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From Bishonen on August 31, 2009
To Satoku I personally think when Kaiko said "...no one will die for me. A king who cannot fight on his own behalf does not deserve to rule that was more about his own pride than honor I mean he thinks of himself like a God and to let anyone else die in his place would be the same as admitting his own weakness of course that�s just how I see it Slash might have been thinking something entirely different.

With Eternal Love, Imasuky Lomae

P.S. Slash I�m still not sure how to put into words just how awesome this chapter was it would take ten pages for me to just talk about the beginning.
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