Reviews for Lostlorn Chaos

BY : Skyro


  • From Joseph_Nathaniel_Spears on November 30, 2012

    Whoa... nice story, bra :D

    Poor little girls... I hope they uncover all this mystery soon

    Rona's story was a bit sad... I hope she is okay in the next chapter

    Please, continue it!!

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  • From Coelacanth on August 07, 2012

    I agree with Mudblood. It would be way easier to read if you split paragraphs when different characters spoke. I like the story, and I enjoy the angles you have going on. I find myself wanting to know wtf is going on with, so it hooks pretty well. I'll be watching for more in the future.

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  • From RogueMudblood on August 06, 2012

    In reading this, a slight change in dialogue format is the first suggestion I have. This is a basic thing that is overlooked by a lot of fanfiction writers, but makes it so much easier on the reader: when a new person begins speaking during dialogue, a new paragraph should begin.

    You have:

    "Morning Mew" Snivy said. "Have you heard the rumors?" he asked. Mew stared at him, quickly shaking her head. "Apparently someone is kidnapping cute females somewhere between here and Chargestone Cave. Human or Pokémon, it doesn't seem to matter" Snivy said. "How dreadful… any idea if it's a human or not?" Mew asked. "No one knows. The attacker strikes at night and it seems to be very strong. Reports from survivors are that they suddenly felt someone grab them and then strike them hard enough to knock them out" Minccino said. "Then they wake up back where they were taken or near a Pokémon Center" she added. "Survivors?" Mew asked. "There might be some that just don't tell what happened to them but as far as we know everyone has returned, no worse than they started off" Leavanny said softly. "Scary stuff" the others said. "No worries everyone. Even if there is some evil force I will keep this forest and its residents safe" Mew said cheerfully.

    As jumbled together as that is, it makes the story very difficult to read. This would be clearer:

    "Morning Mew" Snivy said. "Have you heard the rumors?" he asked. Mew stared at him, quickly shaking her head. "Apparently someone is kidnapping cute females somewhere between here and Chargestone Cave. Human or Pokémon, it doesn't seem to matter" Snivy said.

    "How dreadful… any idea if it's a human or not?" Mew asked.

    "No one knows. The attacker strikes at night and it seems to be very strong. Reports from survivors are that they suddenly felt someone grab them and then strike them hard enough to knock them out" Minccino said. "Then they wake up back where they were taken or near a Pokémon Center" she added.

    Breaking the text up like that also helps you to spot repetitive issues. The "she added" when Minccino is the only one speaking is superfluous, as is the second "Snivy said". Formatting in this manner highlights punctuation issues as well: "Morning, Mew," Snivy said. "Have you heard the rumors?"

    As to content, I like the subtle byplay with Rona. That Minccino and Mew are both alluded to being possible partners for her is interesting. I like the subtle interest Rona was showing in them both.

    In contrast, the aggression that Minccino displays in the encounter in Mew's abode is overwhelming. It appears both out of character for what you have so far displayed for Minccino, as well as happening suddenly as far as the story's development is concerned. While longstanding relationships certainly have their moments of spontaneity between partners, it seems quite sudden to have the sexual encounter with little established sentiment between the two. You started to develop some reasoning behind the interaction with Mew insisting that the others were treating Minccino unfairly. More description of that aspect would help to make this scene - and the affection you're attempting to convey - much more believable.

    To help deliver on the promise the story shows, I would recommend enlisting the aid of a beta. Their services would help not only fix the problems herein, but give it a shine and polish that would make a more enjoyable reading experience for all.

    I would also be very interested to see more development in the group overall, as well as individual relationships between the characters. You've started off with a more unusual theme of having the pokémon involved with each other rather than having pokémon and trainers interacting sexually. The difference would make this a very interesting read.

    Thank you for sharing. Happy writing!

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