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Reviews for Bang Bang!

By : phoeyay
  • From GossamerSilverglow on August 05, 2013
    “Running on her three morning cups of coffee (there would be three more in the afternoon of course)” it’s not wrong to have things in parenthesis, but I think you could make it work better if they weren’t there. I always feel () are like an after thought and for me it takes away from the story itself. Just a personal opinion though.

    The description of Kyoya’s need to know what’s going on in his business and how you compare it to a gardener knowing whether or not worms were gnawing at the roots of plants was great. It really made me appreciate the spontaneity of writing outside the box. I can’t comment on characterization because I only watched the anime once and it was way too long ago, but I still got a feel for what types of characters they are.

    Okay so ‘fuck me’ was unexpected, but I liked it. Good transition to get on with the plot too, but a paragraph of a sex scene isn’t good enough for me. There were so many opportunities for more description. You can still make the scene quick, frantic, and fast without welching on the details. I would suggest going over this and adding to it. On another critiquing note your use of dashes and ellipses is a little repetitive. I get it though. I do it too. You find something that gives a pause and you like it. Just be sure not to over do it. Overall it was a good story that could be great with a few more well placed descriptive words. Keep writing!
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