rate_review Reviews

hey I love your story\'s but I was woundering if you could make a second chapter,that would be great thanks bye for now

Hi there. First of I just wanted to start off by saying it looks like you have a good strong story line, and you're carrying out the series of events pretty well, however since I know that if I were writing a story I'd like a bit of constructive criticism, I'm going to give you some. First off I think you've done a great job sticking with Keitaro and Naru's base line personalities, but you could hilight some of their trademark quirks just to remind readers who the characters are (This goes for Su too. She'd never just go about burning crap down with a flame thrower unless she had invented it for something, and had a "valid" reason to be pointing it at the Hinata House.) Also, I think a little more description of what the character is thinking or feeling, as well as whats happening in the enviornment around them (is it cold, is it windy, is the sun dancing through the leaves of a tree, is rain falling, that kind of thing) because it really adds to the feel of a story, and captivates a reader more than simply using a cliche like "the wind was blowing through [insert name]'s hair" generally readers (or at least I do.) turn to the R and up rated stories for the quality, and creativity in the writing. and I'm sure there are those of us out there that are looking for the Fan-service friendly stories, even then it's no fun to have to read through a bland story just to get to what your looking for. A fan fic should be captivating every step of the way, and I think this story has great potential!! Keep up the fantastic work, you've god a great story so far. Please Update soon! ^_^

Oh, it's me again. I just wanted to give you a link to my all time favorite fan fic, to give you an example of wh was was talking about. I don't knowyou you like Inuyasha, but if you read this story it's a great example. http://www.mediaminer.org/fanfic/view_ch.php?id=54982&cid=165380&submit=View just copy and paste that entire line (from "Http" to "View") into your browser, and it should come up. if not its located both in Mediaminer.org, and Fanfiction.net and it's called "Eien Ni Nakunatta Shunkan" ^_^

Terrible. Absolutely terrible. Seriously, shit happened for no reason whatsoever, the dialogue was forced, and to say that the pacing was "too fast" would be a colossal understatement. I'm giving the author a D- for this, just as I assume his teacher will once he or she receives this obviously rushed 4th grade English Lit. homework assignment.