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August 5, 2013 at 12:00 AM
“Running on her three morning cups of coffee (there would be three more in the afternoon of course)” it’s not wrong to have things in parenthesis, but I think you could make it work better if they weren’t there. I always feel () are like an after thought and for me it takes away from the story itself. Just a personal opinion though.
The description of Kyoya’s need to know what’s going on in his business and how you compare it to a gardener knowing whether or not worms were gnawing at the roots of plants was great. It really made me appreciate the spontaneity of writing outside the box. I can’t comment on characterization because I only watched the anime once and it was way too long ago, but I still got a feel for what types of characters they are.
Okay so ‘fuck me’ was unexpected, but I liked it. Good transition to get on with the plot too, but a paragraph of a sex scene isn’t good enough for me. There were so many opportunities for more description. You can still make the scene quick, frantic, and fast without welching on the details. I would suggest going over this and adding to it. On another critiquing note your use of dashes and ellipses is a little repetitive. I get it though. I do it too. You find something that gives a pause and you like it. Just be sure not to over do it. Overall it was a good story that could be great with a few more well placed descriptive words. Keep writing!
The description of Kyoya’s need to know what’s going on in his business and how you compare it to a gardener knowing whether or not worms were gnawing at the roots of plants was great. It really made me appreciate the spontaneity of writing outside the box. I can’t comment on characterization because I only watched the anime once and it was way too long ago, but I still got a feel for what types of characters they are.
Okay so ‘fuck me’ was unexpected, but I liked it. Good transition to get on with the plot too, but a paragraph of a sex scene isn’t good enough for me. There were so many opportunities for more description. You can still make the scene quick, frantic, and fast without welching on the details. I would suggest going over this and adding to it. On another critiquing note your use of dashes and ellipses is a little repetitive. I get it though. I do it too. You find something that gives a pause and you like it. Just be sure not to over do it. Overall it was a good story that could be great with a few more well placed descriptive words. Keep writing!