For suddenly, I saw you there | By : BarbaraSheridan Category: +M to R > Peace Maker Kurogane Views: 3266 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0 |
Disclaimer: I do not own Peace Maker Kurogane, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. |
(I guess this is technically
another PeaceMaker fic but since they haven’t responded to my request for a PMK
category I’ll put it here with RK. don’t own Okita or Hijikata or their
fictional counterparts in PMK. I got the title from a quote site and it’s
supposed to be from the composer George Gershwin not sure if its part of a song
but it fits....)DISCLAIMER--I do not own the characters or PMK)
For suddenly, I saw you there
by
BarbaraSheridan
Mibu 1865
"I was nine,"
Okita said in a tone so unlike his usual cheerful one. "I...was
nine."
"I understand
now," he continued when Toshizou Hijikata failed to comment."You
don't want to repeat the mistake you
made with me."
The words haunted Toshi, and
as the hours dragged silently by they cut deeper with each echoed repetition.
What could he have done, how could he possibly have said anything to explain or
excuse what he'd done to Souji so long ago.
Souji had been a child, an
innocent little lamb of a thing so eager to please, to be accepted by the much
older boys at the Sheiken dojo. He'd hung around the place like a lost puppy
waiting for any scrap of attention they showed him. And when Toshi jokingly put
the sword into his tiny hands he never thought little Souji would have the
strength to hold it let alone master it by the time he turned thirteen.
The boy had spent untold
hours practicing until he was too exhausted to stand, until his hands were raw
and bleeding before the callouses formed and toughened enough to shield him
from the rubbing of the katana's corded hilt.
Toshi had been there the
night Souji Okita killed his first man. It had been a bandit who'd set upon
them as they were walking home after a festival. They were lightheaded from to
much sake and not nearly as attentive as they'd normally be but when the man
stepped into their path, demanded money and drew his katana, Souji acted out of
instinct and sliced the man nearly in half before the poor bastard’s mind could
register what such an “innocent child” had done to him.
Souji hadn't said a word he
simply stared down and watched the sea of blood spread and soak into the ground
at their feet.
But that night, in the wee
hours just before dawn Toshi had heard him crying. He'd made his way to Souji's
room and found the boy in tears, grief-stricken as the child he still was
finally realized what the hitokiri within him had done.
Friendly concern made him
reach out to wipe Souji's tears and instinct caused the boy to cling to the
strong supportive young man before him, but before long, before either of them
thought to question the primal force that motivated them they were naked and
entangled in each other's arms; their
bodies, sweating, aching, yearning for what the other alone could give.....
That had been so long ago and
yet the memory of it was as fresh as if it had happened only moments ago.
Exhaling a beleaguered breath, Toshi sat up, wiped the sheen of sweat from his
brow and looked towards the door closing off the corridor that led to the other
Shinsengumi leaders' quarters.
He slipped into Souji's room
needing no light to tell him where to step to avoid the futon or pile of books
that were stacked near it. He'd slipped in here in the dead of night many times
as Souji had done to his own room.
"It's only me," he
whispered when he heard the scrape of a
sword being drawn in the darkness. "I forgot a paper in here
yesterday, go back to sleep. I didn't mean to wake you."
"Liar," came the
soft reply.
His eyes adjusting to the
pale moonlight outside the high window, Toshi watched Souji's shadowy form sit
up, knees bent, arms wrapped around them. Ignoring his own inner advice he sat
beside the younger man and simply stared while so many things flooding his mind
like a play of their lives being reenacted before his mind's eye.
"I'm sorry," he
said at last.
"It's all right. I
wasn't that sleepy."
"That's not what I
meant," Toshi whispered back, wishing he'd stayed the imulse to come in
here.
"I know," Souji
said, resting his chin upon his bent knees."Am I really so awful that you
want to spare Tetsu-kun from becoming like me?"
Without a forethought Toshi
reached out and place his hand gently on Souji's head. "It isn't that at
all."
"Then what is it?"
Souji asked, his dark eyes opened wide and full of infinite sadness.
Toshi let his fingers glide
down Souji's cheek. "I just want to spare him the pain I caused you. I
can't take your pain away but if I could...."
Souji closed his eyes and
held Toshi's hand against his cheek. "I can deal with the pain as long as
you're by my side," he said softly, taking hold of Toshi's hand and
tenderly kissing the calloused palm. "I've been able to deal with everything
as long as you're with me..."
# # # #
1868
If only I could be with
you now. If only things had turned
out differently, if only you hadn’t gotten sick. If only...
It was Hajime Saitou whom
he’d last seen at Toba Fushimi some
months before. Saitou’s gaze flitted towards the note Toshi held in his hand.
Understanding, he opened it and read.
Okita-san’s spirit is
shrouded in darkness and it cries out for you. He hasn’t much time in this
world. He’s at the quarantine hospital in Edo. Nagakura’s sister is his nurse.
She’s been by his side for days not wanting him to be alone when the end comes.
Go if you can.
Toshi made a move to stand to
question Saitou further but the other man shook his head and stood and Toshi
saw why it had to be this way. Saitou was wearing a uniform reminiscent of
those worn by the new Imperial military. So, the rumors he’d heard of his old
friend and comrade were true. After
Toba Fushimi Saitou had been captured and had been given amnesty by the
new Ishin government due undoubtedly to his connection to former Bakufu high
officials.
In answer to the questioning
look Saitou gave him Toshi nodded and lifted his sake cup.
Toshi finished the sake then
looked at the silver pocket watch he’d picked up when he’d bought this suit. If
he started now he’d be in Edo before dawn.
“His room overlooks the
garden on the left side of the hospital at the rear,” Saitou said from the
shadows when Toshi stepped outside.
“When did you see him?”
“I wasn’t there in person.
His spirit came to me last night when I meditated.”
“Ah,” Toshi said softly
walking away, his surprise at the Mugai master’s unusual spiritual talents
having dissipated long ago. “Thank you.”
As he walked, Toshi checked
the inside pocket of his jacket. There it was an extra copy of the one
photograph he’d had taken just before coming here. He’d sent two copies back to
his family in the hands of young
Tetsu Ichimura partly to give
them a remembrance, mainly to shield his ever loyal young page from the
disaster that surely awaited up in Hakodate, where he’d planned to head tomorrow
to join forces with Enomoto and the other Ishin resistors.
It would be futile in the
extreme, they were out manned, outgunned and yet Toshizou Hijikata’s warrior
spirit would not allow him to quit the fight he’d begun so long ago. He’d vowed
to fight the Ishin Scum then and planned to go to his grave doing just that
now.
For a moment he wondered if
he’d feel the same way if Souji were well and with him. Would they have
committed seppuku rather than surrender or be captured? Would they have escaped
and embarked on this mad quest of rebellion together? Or would they have taken
the practical outlook like Saitou and Nagakura and surrendered, taken the
amnesty then faded into obscurity to live out their lives?
You could still do that, a tiny voice whispered from deep within him.
Perhaps. But then without
Souji’s smiling face to wake to and fall asleep with there wasn’t much point in
existing in this new Meiji world, was there?
# # # #
Edo
Sneaking in to the quiet
hospital was e and and a feeling as much as Saitou’s direction guided Toshi to
the private room overlooking the garden.
He slipped inside, crept to the side of the high western style bed where
Shinpachi Nagakura’s elder sister sat dozing, her hand resting lightly
atop Souji’s.
He placed his hand gently
upon her mouth and calmed her with a quick, whispered greeting when she started
awake. She relaxed, her dark eyes brightening and he moved his hand.
“Toshi-san, is it really you?
It’s been years.”
“A lifetime.”
Midori Nagakura nodded and
moved from the chair, motioning for him to sit. Her expression grew serious as
her gaze skimmed Souji’s face then returned to his. “His waking moments are
getting fewer, but his mind is clear. He usually wakes at dawn. I’ll see you’re
not disturbed.”
“Thank you.”
When Midori left and the room
was silent save for the labored breathing of Souji, and the faint stir of
crickets outside in the garden did Toshi look at his friend and former lover. He
reached out and took hold of the younger man’s hands that had once wielded a
katana with incredible force.
Souji had never been a big
man but he was so thin and frail now. So pale, so weak looking that it tore
Toshi’s heart to countless pieces. He’d trade places with Souji in a moment if
only he could...
His thoughts broke off when
Okita stirred and he gave in to impulse and brought Souji’s hand to his
lips.
With a rasping breath and a
half murmur Souji slowly forced open his eyes, blinking several times as if to
focus his sight. “Dream,” he whispered. “Just a dream...” His eyelids slid
closed once more.
“It’s no dream, koishii.
I’m here,” Toshi whispered, the fingers of his free hand skimming the side of
Souji’s face as he’d done so many times in the past to wake him after slipping
into his room.
Inhaling sharply and coughing
because of it, it took a moment for Souji to recover. But once he did he
offered Toshi a smile to so loving and heartfelt that it brought the rarest of
tears to the older samurai’s eyes.
“You shouldn’t be here,”
Souji said, trying to sit up. “I hear there’s a reward for you.”
Toshi stood and helped him
then sat on the edge of the bed. “I was close, I had to come to see you. I’m
sorry I didn’t before—“
“It couldn’t be helped.”
Souji squinted and reached up to touch Toshi’s head as pink dawn light began to
filter in the window. “You cut your
hair. And those clothes...”
“What was that Sannan used to
say? I was always too fashion conscious?”
Okita offered a half smile
and Toshi regretted mentioning their old friend whom he ordered to commit
seppuku. Okiad bad been the one to deliver the final blow to sever Yamanami’s
head. If only he could go back....
“No,” Souji said quietly as
if reading his thoughts as he did so well. “No regrets. We agreed on that long
ago.”
Toshi nodded. “That we did.”
A shiver ran through him when Souji ran his slim fingers through his shorter
hair.
“I think I like you this
way,” he said skimming his fingertips down across Toshi’s neck to rest lightly
upon his chest.
Silence fell around them but
it wasn’t an awkward or tense silence but the peaceful type of quiet intimacy
that close friends and lovers shared.
All too soon the tranquility
was broken by a fit of coughing and Toshi watched impotently as Souji gave
himself over to it, turning away, trying to discreetly hide the bloodied towel
on the nightstand.
There was still a trickle of
blood at the left corner of Souji’s mouth and Toshi wiped it away with his
fingers then bent to place a tender kiss upon Souji’s lips.
“I feel so cold,” Souji
whispered in a voice that was clearly weaker than before. “Would you...hold
me?”
Toshi sat further on the bed,
shifting Souji so that he was nestled against him just the way they lay so many
nights in the past.
Souji breathed a familiar
contented sigh and relaxed, drawing Toshi’s arms in front of him like a
protective mantle.
They were still laying
together when Midori Shinpachi cin nin near noon to check on Okita.
“He’s gone,” she said. “He’s
grown cold.”
“I know,” Toshi whispered. “I
couldn’t bear to lem gom go.”
Taking a deep breath and
blinking back the tears he would not shed in front of another he finally
released his hold on Souji. He lay him
back, smoothed his dark hair from his pale, pale face and folded his hands
across his chest. Almost as an afterthought he remembered the spare photo he
had tucked in his jacket and placed it in Okita’s hands.
“Could you see that this is
buried with him?”
“Of course.”
# # # # #
June 20, 1869
Hakodate
Toshizou Hijikata drove
himself headlong through the fray at Fort Goryokaku , cutting down opponents
with his katana in one hand, a pistol in the other. The chaos of battle
engulfed him–-the crack of rifles, the screams of the injured and dying, the
roar of charging horses, the sound of clashing steel, the acrid smell of
gunpowder surrounded him.
Without warning pain seared
his chest, thigh and arm. Bullets. He
felt them burn, strike bone, drive him to his knees. He cried out when another
bullet grazed his temple.
Suddenly the cacophony
withdrew and a rush in his ears tore Toshi’s attention from the carnage around
him, the feel of blood soaking through his clothing, the weakness engulfing
him. He felt the warm June sun bathe his sweaty blood- streaked face.
Toshi.....Toshi.....
His vision blurring, Toshi
struggled to look towards the voice that called to him. He knew that voice. It
was...Souji’s voice...
The pain was fading rapidly
into the distance along with the chaotic noise of the battle. The sun grew stronger,
his body grew stronger yet oddly lighter. He stood, though it felt as if he
floated to his feet. He looked towards the northern stone wall of the fort to
see a black cat staring at him.
The cat hissed then purred
and looked to the wall as a ivory mist seeped through the stones from somewhere
on the other side. The mist swirled and thickened and in the center Souji Okita
appeared.
He looked wonderful, so
bright and glowing and full of life. And he was smiling the bright ever boyish
smile that never failed to warm Toshi’s hardened heart.
Souji held out his hand. “Are you ready?”
Toshi
stepped—drifted–-forward his arm lifting of its own accord. “Ready?”
Souji took his hand. It felt
so solid, so comforting, so warm and full of untapped energy.
Toshi shook his head, tried
to clear his thoughts that were so unusually muddled. He tried to look behind
him but an odd stern warning from Souji stopped hi:p>
“No. Don’t look
back.” His tone softened. “Leave it.
Come with me. Stay with me. Please.”
Toshi gazed at Souji’s
youthful handsome face. He never could deny the younger man anything. He felt himself smile and went forward. He
draped his arm around Souji’s shoulder and stepped with him through the vanishing
stone wall.
THE END
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