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Letters to the Lost	By : lifebyte Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > General Views: 1655 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gensomaden Saiyuki, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Discovery
- 2-Consequence
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First upload, first yaoi fic. Please be gentle.

General Disclaimer: No, I don't own any of the lovely characters mentioned in this fic. Oh, but if I did..

Letters to the Lost

Chapter 1: Discovery

The book was simple enough: a black canvas cover, off-white paper with dull grey lines, and nothing more. There were no cute pictures or cheery quotes, as was overly popular these days. It was a journal with no more embellishments than what was added by the writer's own hand.. and that suited him perfectly, Gojyo thought.

The red-haired kappa cast a glance over his shoulder at the thought of Hakkai. The last thing Gojyo needed was to add 'red-handed' to his list of crimson colored attributes. But Hakkai wasn't there, or anywhere near the inn, for that matter. He and the stupid monkey had gone shopping, and gods only knew how long that would take. Between Hakkai's frugal nature and Goku's need to sample--then devour--every display found in the marketplace, the duo likely would be gone until late in the evening. Using the promise of those occupied hours to reassure himself, Gojyo ran his fingers over the canvas cover with a sigh. Even all the stealth and cunning in the world wouldn't prevent Hakkai from knowing what Gojyo was about to do. Hell, that wiley bastard would probably know before he saw the damn book.. but that was Hakkai's way. Hakkai knew things, knew everything about everyone without even trying. Gojyo could only guess at half of the things that made himself tick, much less others. Hakkai just saw it, as if reading the words of a book. It made it all but impossible to keep secrets from him; not that the kappa had want to do so often. This, however, he dreaded Hakkai divining so easily as he did everything else. After all, Hakkai was hardly what one would call an open person. What facts he shared about himself were always necessary to the moment, and nothing more was ever offered. Gojyo had long believe that to Hakkai, the darkness of the past was a solitary burden. After all, in his own case, it had been Gojyo who offered up the tragedy of his childhood. Hakkai had never questioned him about it, but Gojyo felt an obligation. To describe it in terms the monkey could understand, Gojyo felt he owed it to Hakkai for some undescernable reason. But until then, Hakkai hadn't known, and even as Gojyo was telling it, he thought that perhaps Hakkai didn't care to. It hadn't been anything the brunette had said or done; it was just..

Gojyo let out a soft curse. The break in the fluid train of thought had snapped him back to reality. He didn't have time to sit there in a mental haze if he was going to read the damn journal. And there was no way he wasn't going to read it now. He'd already gone through all of Hakkai's crap to find the book, and he was as good as caught anyway. If he had to suffer the punishment of breaking the cookie jar, then damnit all, he was going to eat the cookies.

Fuck. He had to stop hanging out with the stupid monkey.

With a deep breath, Gojyo gathered his courage, opened the door, and began to read.

Dear Kanan;

Shit!

Gojyo dropped the journal, then looked to the door. Had he cursed out loud? Hell, he didn't even know, and its not like the damn monk would care if he had.

Shit. Gojyo had said it this time, with a mournful laugh in his voice. He had known it would be deep. Hakkai-angst wasn't something he expected to have all the sting of a field of daisies. Gojyo knew that it would be a closer experience to handing Sanzo a machine gun and calling him a pansy ass gay-bottom monk--it was going to fucking hurt. But Gojyo had never thought..

Scratch that. He had thought and known that she'd be a major focus of this secret work. She had been the focus of his entire past, after all.. and she was the one who drove Hakkai, then Gonou to murder well over a thousand in the name of rescue and revenge. But damnit..

Gojyo laughed, and leaned back against the matress. His right hand came up to his forehead, partially shielding his eyes as he stared into the lantern light above him.

Damnit..

He should've been able to get past two fucking words!

The cigarette between Gojyo's lips let up a thin trail of smoke that partially obscured his vision. With a sigh, the kappa closed his eyes. A pesky voice nagged at him, questioning the morality of pushing things any further than he already had. Gojyo had never listened to such voices, however.. unless they came with a pair of all-seeing green eyes. Gojyo let out the breath he had been holding with a huff, and straightened himself Mentally cheering himself on, he grabbed the book that had fallen into his lap. He'd come too far, damnit, and he wasn't leaving until he read at least one page. Steeling himself, Gojyo opened the journal to a random page.. or not. He hadn't counted on a bookmark automatically directing him to the last entry. The kappa had stared to close the journal again when he caught himself. Enough with the fucking games. The end was as good of a start as any, especially when it meant finally doing what he had been meaning to all along. Flipping back the single page to the start of Hakkai's most recent letter, Gojyo completed his sin as he began to read.

Dear Kanan;

In the ever changing course of a life, perhaps the only constant a person has is the past. Indeed, I would be hard pressed to find a second aspect of myself that is not likely to change. From something so simple as my hair color (would you believe I found a grey hair the other day?) to the more complicated issues of the heart; only what has already passed into memory remains untouchable. I am loathe to admit this to you . My love has neither faded nor dulled during the passage of time. You will forever occupy my heart (I suppose that will be my second aspect, yes, my lost beloved?), however..

However..

You had already faded into death when Chin Yisou emerged from the dying bowels of that prison. I can only hope that you were not forced to endure his sadistic depravity while you were alive. This demon killed the human (if any aspect of humanity could still be applied to my tainted soul at that point) Gonou, and became the first of many slaughtered by the physical manifestation of my demonic heart. Yes, Kanan, I killed him that day. But not unlike myself, Chin Yisou burned with a desire for revenge. He made himself a shikigami. I gasped when I first learned this, but now, in this quiet moment of reflection, I wonder if I would have done the same thing for you. The parellel sickens me. Today, for a second time, I killed him. And as before, I delighted in it. I felt the old hatred stiring within me, and I savored parching its thirst with his blood. But I will not let myself sink into that hopeless oblivion, again, Kanan.. and that is what I must confess to you. My dearest Kanan.. today I had the chance to return fully to the living hell which I deserve, to once again walk the path that leads to despair, and death. There was a time when I would not have hesitated to do so, for I could hope to catch a glimpse of your sweet smile before my soul fell into the fiery abyss. Today, I had that chance.. and I declined it.

Perhaps I am being selfish, my lost love... but I desire to live unconsumed by my past. Of course, I will not deny my sins. That would simply be folly. However, to let that black swamp surround me, to drown in the dismal mire of my own tainted heart would be to live for you, and to die for you. Oh, Kanan! It pains me, for I fear you will see this as a sign that my love has weakened.. but that could not be more false! Kanan, I will not destroy myself in your name. Instead, I will honor you, if you will let me, by living for myself, on my own terms. In my heart, I know that happiness is a bliss both undeserved and unobtainable. Still.. I wish to try. I offer this to you as the truest testament of my love for you. Your heart is far too pure even in death to wish for the suffering of another.. even for the blood-stained sinner that once dared to think himself worthy of you.

Kanan, I love you. And for that reason, I live.

Cho Hakkai

P.S. Do you believe it possible to love both a member of the dead, and the living?

Gojyo closed his eyes, a quiet curse coming out of his lips in the form of a sigh. He flipped ahead a few pages to be sure that what he just read was the final entry. Only grey lines followed, despite the fact that it had been nearly two months since they had faced that sick freak. As with Hakkai's concealing smiles, Gojyo couldn't help but feel a bittersweet curiousity following the entry. To read the truth of Hakkai's opinion of himself, and the raw, open dedication to the death saddened Gojyo.

It was a shared pain. Maybe Hakkai didn't know that.. he'd never indicated as such to Gojyo. But his guilt and self-loathing wounded them both equally.. perhaps Gojyo more. After all, Hakkai found justification for his feelings in his crimes. But Gojyo had failed his mother by living, and he murdered to keep on living. How could he see Hakkai as guilty, or let such a common crime eat away at his own devotion to the man?

Gojyo wasn't that eager to find a reason to hate Hakkai.. or even one to stop loving him.

Thankfully, it wasn't all bad. Hakkai wanted to live, saw the good of it and the value of his own life.. and that was a very good thing. So good, in fact that the hope presented in those words alone had almost been enough to overshadow the impact of Hakkai's final line. It had been written as an afterthought, the last unspoken sin of a weary confession.

Do you believe it possible to love both a member of the dead, and the living?

For Hakkai to have feelings for another, and actually accept them.. it was too much to hope for. But there it was, in the man's small, perfectly aligned handwriting. The possibility alone was enough to set Gojyo's mind to set off, imagining scenario after sweet, sex-filled scenario. He didn't linger on it, however. Better not to get the hopes too raised.. especially since there was no way in the world Hakkai would love a slob like him.

Without realizing it, Gojyo had searched each of the remaining pages of the journal. Hakkai hadn't written another word. Of course, even if he had, Gojyo was unsure if he had the strength to read any more. He could always go back, to look for hidden clues in prior entries.. but violating a man's privacy wore quickly on the soul. Besides, it really wasn't any of his business, and Gojyo thought that an an important consideration now.

Glancing briefly over the last entry, Gojyo stood. Instead of moving to put the book back in place, however, the kappa walked to the small table that came in each of their rooms, complete with complimentary pens. Even if he would read no further, Gojyo decided that he might as well give his friend a little push. It would be well worth it if it made the man smile genuinely for once. Gojyo'd be just as dead either way when Hakkai found out.. and he was in the mood for cookies.

Damn stupid monkey.
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Letters to the Lost