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Relax and Hang On -- Again	By : cupnjava Category: Gensomaden Saiyuki > General Views: 20723 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Gensomaden Saiyuki, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 9
- 10
- 11
Summary: Ensconced in chaos: one piece of salvage limps, the other gets a tug. Strength, Kappa Rolls, Butterflies and Stubbornness -- all connected in the shadows.

Just a note: I think this chapter seems more “anime-ish” if you envision cutting to a shot of a butterfly -- at the appropriate times. Just a note...take it or leave it.
One of my beta’s felt I needed a note about the butterfly thing. Chaos Theory has been a hidden plot theme since the beginning. This time, I’m bringing it out in to the light. You need not have a deep understanding of Chaos Theory (goodness knows I don’t) I’ve “hidden” a basic explanation in the fourth paragraph of the chapter. This is also known --because of the movie -- as “the butterfly effect”. I’ve not seen that movie, so I cannot make an analogy.
Chaos Theory , (who knows if it is right or wrong) takes the idea that you can “back-up” a cause and effect line to a point of origin. Take the basic idea of cause and effect, throw in a whole bunch of math that is way over my head and you end up with:
A butterfly flaps it’s wings, shifting the air around it. That air travels, building up force, changing things as it moves; by the end of it all, a storm is created, destroyed or the path of a previously existing storm is changed. Maybe, this results in lives saved, lives lost or maybe the storm hits village “B“ instead of village “A“. I don’t know if I fully believe in Chaos Theory, but I do think it is fun to ponder.
In this chapter, the butterfly wings represent a divergence in the plotline (a hidden impetus --- the “butterfly flaps“ have been here, I‘m just writing the phrase for this chapter) --- hmmm…maybe I’m using a bit of “parallel universe” theory too (can’t remember what that one is officially called).

Influenced by:
Savage Garden: “Violet”

“If there’s a way that you can be everything you want to be. Would you complain that it came too easy? Just like the games with you and me… a resolution hard to see. But, that’s ok, cuz I don’t see things that are plain to see. […] If there’s a way to infiltrate you…sway your mind and complicate you … I’m gonna crash into your world… and that’s no lie… […] Contemplate jealousy intermixed with urgency. A million things take a damned good shot at you and me.”

Evanescence: “Going Under”

“Now I will tell you what I’ve done for you. 50 thousand tears I have cried. Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you. And you still won’t hear me. Going Under. Don’t want your hand this time I’ll save myself.”

Limp Bizki : “Break Stuff”

“It’s just one of those days where you don’t wanna wake up. Everything is fucked. Everybody sucks. You don’t really know why, but you want to justify ripping someone’s head off. No human contact and if you interact youf life is on contract. You’re best bet is to stay away mother fucker. It’s just one of those days […] First one through the plane leaves with the blood stain. Damn right, I’m a maniac […] I feel like shit. My I suggestion is to keep your distance. Cuz, right now, I’m dangerous.“

Linkin Park, Breaking Benjamin, Limp Bizkit, NIN, “Total Eclipse of the Heart”, Anne Clarke’s “Our Darkness” and “Tainted Love.“

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Relax and Hang on X : Butterflies and Salvage Rights

Jiroshin returned to her throne-side after his eighth trip from feeling the need to examine the contents of his stomach. He wouldn’t even dream of crying foul for wanting to take back this move. He hoped she would ask…he hoped she would…take back this move. He turned to her, “Why…why did you not intervene?”
She debated Jiroshin’s question. This wasn’t hers to take back….was it? Alas, a nonexistent answer.
She blinked at the flowers floating in the pond. “Chaos theory.” Her voice was heavy with sadness, with pity …with mercy.
Such was the role of bodhisattvas, sometimes participants….sometimes audience members. But always knowing…always knowing that things happen for a reason. Cause and effect…two totally unrelated events and yet intimately connected … connected in the shadows. All things happen for a reason; all things have an impetus. The Great Kannon knew… she knew….what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger -- even if it changes you. Yes indeed, the point to ponder…the question to ask… the answer to never come….Does God Play Dice?
Jiroshin blinked and looked over the pond. Great, more of that cryptic god crap. He sighed….he sighed long and loud. He wondered when some other butterfly somewhere was going to flap its wings.
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Kenren looked around. “Gojyo?” He was surrounded by heavy darkness. His tree was gone.
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Hakkai sat in the window over-looking the street in front of the inn. He’d been here since Gojyo left …no, not left…please… please not left. He’d been here since Gojyo had failed-to-return-yet. He saw the sunset, sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset, and now the sun had risen one more time. Sunlight washed across his legs and lit up a room that contained no Gojyo. He didn’t remember sleeping. No doubt, he had drifted in and out of wakefulness during that time, but he didn’t recall it. He hadn’t eaten either. The rock of despair in his chest, the nausea of worry in his stomach and the tension of guilt in his mind prevented him from even so much as feeling hungry. Three full days, would this be the fourth?

He couldn’t shake the feeling… a feeling deep down inside…a feeling that seemed arcane and yet contemporary….a feeling….a sense….that something was horribly wrong with Gojyo.
Sanzo and Goku hadn’t headed on west. They remained in that room with Hakkai.
Hakuryuu was torn. He had a duty to the Marshal and to the General. He didn’t like the idea of the General going on a solo mission -- especially one unexpected, one unauthorized and one this deep in hostile territory. Yet, he had a stronger duty to the Marshal. The Marshal had to be protected at all costs. If he had more troops at his disposal, he would have sent a group out after the General, but such is the lot of special tactics teams: Limited Resources.

[Somewhere a butterfly flapped its wings]
Many times he would look at the door and debate going after that unruly General. Konzen and Goku could protect the Marshal while he recovered one of his men.

[Somewhere a butterfly flapped its wings]
Then, he remembered when they emerged from the cave… they didn’t seem capable of protecting the Marshal. He’d failed the Marshal that day… he couldn’t let that happen again. He took a risk those two nights not too long ago, he took a risk because he knew there was one person that carried a stronger sense of duty to the Marshal than he, and that one person was the General. Both he and the General tended to forget that fact --- especially in times like this, but they knew it. Deep down within his royal dragon soul … he knew it.
If only the General, knew he was the General.
As cold as it sounded, Gojun had to follow his orders… he had to stick with the Marshal. As cold as it sounded … Gojun knew one more thing. He hated it… but he knew it. In the whole scheme of things… if the worse case scenario were to become reality… he knew … the General could be replaced.

Gojun was mistaken -- that unruly General could never be replaced.

Tenpou had been reassuring Hakkai that Kenren had everything under control. As time wore on, he began using his words to Hakkai was a way of reassuring himself. By night fall on the third night, he began to wonder if Kenren had any affect on Gojyo. Could Kenren be more stubborn, more obstinate, more persistent and more unruly than himself?
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Kenren’s eyes widened and his head jerked as he felt something. He felt… the merest … softest…whisper of a breeze on his arm. The a waterfall of “oh-shit”, washed over him “Gojyo! Gojyo! Damn it! Where the fuck are you?”
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The kappa-rolls rested on the table. They remained wrapped up and uneaten. Uneaten, even by Goku. Those kappa-rolls were for Gojyo. They’d long since spoiled, but no one could get themselves to throw them out. It was too much of a morbid metaphor. As long as those kappa-rolls sat on that table there seemed to be hope that someone -- a certain someone -- would return to eat them.

[Somewhere a butterfly flapped its wings]
On the second day, one of the housekeepers at the inn came by the room. She moved to pick up the box of uneaten food, Sanzo stopped her with the touch of his hand on her wrist and a shot of violet. The next day, she didn’t even so much as look at the box.
This morning, the fourth sunrise, stair-stepped with the fourth sunset, beginning the fourth day since the night Gojyo failed to come to the inn for dinner, the same housekeeper walked into the room. Today, she carried a box in her hand. She caught that violet glance… that violet gaze that could give the most powerful of deities pause. She didn’t smile. She didn’t blink. She took that violet gaze, without pause, and opened the box in her hands. The box contained a fresh order of kappa-rolls.
Sanzo blinked.
She sat the new box on the table and moved to remove the old box.

[Somewhere a butterfly flapped its wings]
Sanzo touched her wrist.
She blinked. Have it your way, Konzen.

She left the room … and left both boxes on the table.
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Panic resonated in Kenren’s voice as he called out, “Gojyo! Goddamn it! You can’t do this shit!”
“Don’t be so fucking loud.” Gojyo’s voice wavered heavily as he spoke.
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The box inside Hakkai’s mind: the box that he wanted wrapped up in pretty paper with a large fluffy bow on top…looked pitiful. The bow had long since been discarded. The wrapping paper was crumpled and torn…it laid somewhere dark, cold, alone, neglected and nearly forgotten. A lone, solitary box sat undecorated.

Hakkai slowly blinked. He quickly blinked. He head jerked. His hands pressed against the glass. He scrambled to his feet. He stumbled as he found his footing. He tripped over the corner of the bed. He scrambled back to his feet. He bumped in to Sanzo’s chair as he turned toward the door. He grabbed Sanzo’s shoulder and shoved as he barely managed to maintain balance. He grabbed the doorknob. He pushed on the door. He jiggled the door knob. He turned it again. The side of his left fist pounded against the door. He jerked the door knob and pulled the door open. He nearly lost his footing as he turned to walk down the hallway. He dashed down the steps. His feet barely touched every third step. He fell down the last three steps. He turned his ankle on the floor. He ignored it. He barreled past the front desk. The front door to the inn slammed closed behind him.
Hakuryuu’s head popped up as Hakkai started his mad dash. Goku and Sanzo shared a glance. Sanzo tried to stand and Hakkai had shoved him back down in the chair. By the time Sanzo and Goku got out of the room, Hakkai was already at the stairs. They stepped out of the inn barely a minute after Hakkai.
They saw Hakkai in a running-limp barreling toward Kougaiji, Yaone and Dokugakuji. Dokugakuji was cradle-carrying a badly beaten, half-naked, unconscious Gojyo.
Hakuryuu screeched. He didn’t coo…he didn’t peep… he out-and-out screeched… long and loud.
Hakkai’s vision focused on Gojyo.
The box flew up…turning…twisting. The lid flipped through the air. The contents finally revealed: a void.
The enemies that never really were suddenly felt like true foes as his vision widened. What are they doing, flaunting the kill? Hakkai never paused his run as he jutted his arms out. His palms slammed into Kougaiji’s shoulders. “What did you do?!” Hakkai yelled.
Sanguinans yanked at his chains. Tenpou was feeling impulsive. Gonou reeled back, hit with betrayal. Hakkai…Hakkai, himself, was solidly angry and utterly confused.
One limiter began to shake.
Kougaiji stumbled back. Hakkai shoved again, “Divide and Conquer?!”
A second limiter began to shake.
Kougaiji stumbled back. Hakkai shoved again, “Did you bring him back for a 21-gun salute?!”

[Somewhere a butterfly flapped its wings]
The first limiter fell from Hakkai.

CLINK
Hakkai didn’t notice his limiter falling. His rage was so intense, his furry so enflamed, his hurt so deep, his betrayal so biting that he didn’t even feel the change begin. Sanguinans strained against his chains…clawing…demanding attention.
Kougaiji stumbled back. Hakkai turned to Dokugakuji. “You! You! He’s your brother! How could you?! Did you just stand by or did you help?!”
A third limiter began to shake.
Dokugakuji was stunned by Hakkai’s erratic movements, loud voice, uncharacteristic (as far as he was aware), aggressive, and impulsive actions. He stopped and stood static holding …cradling his brother in his arms. His brow knitted.
Goku scrambled toward the fallen limiter. He knew this was bad news.
Hakkai snapped his head toward Yaone. He tilted his head down slightly and emerald eyes pierced right through a woman with purple hair and magenta eyes. “You! I always expected more from you.” His voice had dropped in register. Anger and fury stuck to his words as they lumbered through the air.
Yaone was utterly stunned at Hakkai’s forcefulness and the jumble of raw emotions coming from him was tangible. Her mouth dropped open as she saw the shadow of a vine emerge from under his skin.
Hakkai’s head smoothly turned toward Kougaiji: a target had been locked and loaded. His shoulders began to rise. “All this time, I thought you had some honor. Care to try that on stronger prey?”
Kougaiji pushed his shock from Hakkai’s partial transmogrification away and grabbed Hakkai’s shoulders. He shook and spoke firmly through his teeth. “Reign yourself in, Hakkai! We didn‘t do this!”

[somewhere…right here…a monkey twitched its tail -- countering a butterfly]
Kougaiji’s words cut through the fog building in Hakkai’s mind.
Goku backed away from Hakkai. He’d returned that limiter in just enough time to keep this situation from getting real ugly, real bloody and real final.
Hakkai trembled as his rage rolled away. He stood shaking …thinking….allowing the gravity of the words and his actions settle in his mind. Sanguinans screamed as the chains tightened again: teased and taunted with sniffs of freedom…with partial glimpses of access … with half promises of being allowed to search.
Sanzo, a needed voice of calm controlled reason, spoke, “What the hell happened?”
Kougaiji spoke to Sanzo, but kept his eyes on Hakkai, “We found him. I have to admit it was a rogue attached to me that did this, but they acted without authorization. “ He blinked at Hakkai. “I do have honor. I have some pride left…and I would not do this.”
Hakkai looked up from his trembling hands. “Don’t you know that a leader is accountable for the actions of his troops? Responsible for the men and women in his command!” Something snapped inside of Hakkai. Something jolted right through him. Something shook him to the core. That something was his own words.
He dropped to his knees. Tenpou dropped to his knees. They’d failed. Hakkai believed he had failed to save Gojyo. Tenpou believed he had forsaken Kenren.
Kougaiji closed his eyes and clenched his jaw as Hakkai’s words hit him. Yes, of course I know that. I live that. Everyday, I live that. He spoke through his self-castigation. “The rogue has been extinguished.”
Yaone finally saw the Hakkai she knew and respected. She ran to him and knelt beside him. She softly touched his shoulder and whispered, “He’s not dead. We can still help him. I can‘t do it alone.”
Hakkai touched her hand on his shoulder and looked into her soft magenta eyes. “I have to. I have to do it alone.” This was his to salvage…this was his duty to perform.
He stood.
She stood, nodded and handed him the black bag in her hand. “If you want it later, there is help in here.”
Hakkai nodded and turned toward Dokugakuji. He took Gojyo from his brother’s arms and held him with steady strength no one though possible from the human-turned-demon. His face was downcast…looking at Gojyo’s sundered abdomen. “I owe you my deepest apologies and gratitude --for my behavior and for doing what I failed to do. I know…I know you wouldn’t do this. I know you have honor.” He slowly turned and began to walk toward the inn. “I hope you can find it within yourself to forgive me.”
Everyone noticed Hakkai’s limp. Hakkai didn’t notice his ankle was hurting.
They would forgive him. If the roles were reversed, they all knew they would have reacted the same way if not more so….more explosive…more violent. Hakkai , however, would never forgive himself -- for what almost was.
Yaone looked at Sanzo, “Some of his wounds…looked…” She tried to push the visual from her mind. “How long has he been missing?”
Sanzo shot her a flash of violet, “Three full days.”
Kougaiji felt someone hit him in the gut. Three full days? This had been going on right under his nose for three full days and he hadn’t noticed? Something had to change. He couldn’t have this. The amount of time needed to build that torture chamber, the time Gojyo spent in that room, the … How many others have been tortured in my name? Something had to change. Something was going to change. Dr. Ni? No, even he would not do something like this. Or would he? No. For the life of him, for the sake of all his honor and remaining pride…he could not fathom who in his organization would have done this. Was it possible that this really was a lone rogue…a lone rogue … acting under the radar of everyone?
One day Kougaiji would know the warped deviants working under his step-mother, one day he’d know their twisted plan and their warped nature -- but that day was not today.

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[Somewhere a butterfly flaps its wings]
A beautiful blonde woman coughed against cold stone.
A scientist carrying a bunny offered her his hand and helped her to her feet. “Meditation works. Works every time. I see you’ve been listening.”
She nodded as she rubbed her neck. It would take a while for those bruises to heal. She opened her mouth vainly trying to speak.
“Hmmmm,” He looked at Bunny. “We need to tend to her, don’t we?”
Bunny nodded.
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[Somewhere a butterfly flaps its wings]
The parties split without any additional words; without any mention of the sutra; and, without any discussion of the next fight that would, no doubt, end lacking true finality.
Rivals…foes…enemies… none of these words seemed to explain the energy between these two groups. Maybe…star-crossed….maybe cross-fated… maybe elegantly-tragic --- those were the only words that could describe the dichotomy of these two groups.
One needed what the other possessed and yet could not relinquish -- and vice-versa. Alas, if they were to combine their strengths and resources the synergistic effect would lead to the resolution of all issues concerned. Even the resolutions that some did not yet fully recognize they wanted. One bitterly tragic example of yet unrealized intentions is Kougaiji not really wanting his vicious father to once again terrorize the world… slaughtering innocents…thieving innocence… crushing pride … eliminating honor.

Maybe the best word….is ironic.

Tragic-Irony

Damn it.

Damn it to Hell.

Damn that…

cursed…

butterfly.

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“I hurt all over…I hurt all the fuck over.” Gojyo was engulfed in a world of inky blackness and pain…overwhelming…all over…pain. “Goddamn. My fingertips even fucking hurt.”
“I know…I know.” Kenren softly shook his head. He’d seen a lot of shit in his life. He been through “interrogations” and more battles than he cared to count -- but he’d never seen anything like this.
“What the hell did we drink last night?”
Kenren’s eyes widened. Oh shit.
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Hakkai carried Gojyo into the room and laid him on the bed. He dropped Yaone’s bag beside the bed. He pulled a chair bedside and sat down. He leaned over and cupped Gojyo’s head in his left hand. His right hand gently lifted Gojyo’s crimson strands from behind his bruised face. He tenderly laid Gojyo’s head back down on the pillow.
Goku and Sanzo stopped by the front desk and requested, bowls, water, some sponges, towels, sheets and blankets brought up to the room. They’d been through this before…more times than either wanted to count.
Goku wondered if there was any way to send for Tano as they walked up to the room. She fixed Hakkai flawlessly, couldn’t she do the same for Gojyo?
Hakkai began to scan Gojyo’s exposed skin. A part of him was making a detached assessment… falling into the role of healer…trying to determine the most serious wounds and begin the process of recovery. A larger part was just trying to wrap his mind around what could have possibly happened. All he knew is that Gojyo was found. Found where? Doing what? By or with whom? And, why?

He noticed the myriad of blue, black, yellow, purple, and red marks over Gojyo’s chest, face and arms. He saw abrasions circling his wrists, he knew that meant Gojyo had been restrained -- somehow. The harsh edges and solid red line of the abrasions indicated to him that the restraints were wide yet somewhat sharp. Like a metal cuff without the edges having been polished.

He blinked his eyes several times. His eyes widened and a waterfall of apprehension washed down his body… he pieced it together. The stripes, the punctures, the bruising...the restraint marks. He realized…Gojyo had been bound and tortured.
He knew he couldn’t handle this alone. He knew… he should have accepted Yaone’s assistance. He also knew he had to do this alone. As he looked at his beloved admonishment, he knew that crimson color of his dreams and nightmares needed him…needed him desperately and yet again … he’d failed to be there for someone that needed him. However, alone…he could try…try to recover what had not been saved.
He tried to prepare himself for what he would find. He tried desperately to leave the lover role and operate as the necessarily detached healer. He lifted Gojyo’s left hand to check for a pulse. He felt the weak pulse and noticed that Gojyo’s hand moved in a very odd way. The shape was off even accounting for swelling. The bruising looked --- Oh no…broken.

Hakkai looked at Tenpou. “I can’t do this alone. Those bones need to be set…I don’t know how to do that.”
Tenpou smiled. He’d done many a field dressing in his day. “I can help you with that, but we need something to keep the bones set. “ He was thankful Gojyo was out for this… he really didn’t think Hakkai could handle the screaming. He knew he couldn’t.
Hakkai tentatively opened Yaone’s bag. He’d hoped she had something in here to act like a splint or something. Gauze, rolled cotton, more gauze salve, ahhh….plaster mix. Hakkai removed the items and placed them on the bed. He did not look through the rest of the bag. First things first, he had to work the broken bones.

Hakkai turned to Goku, “I need you to do something for me.”
Goku blinked. “Yeah sure, Hakkai, whatever you need.”
“I need you to go to the kitchen and get a measuring cup. We’re going to have to mix this precisely. Get one of those four-cup incremental measuring cups... that way we can have it for whatever else we might need. Oh, and a whisk.“
Goku blinked and left the room.
Sanzo sighed, “How bad is it, Hakkai?”
Hakkai pressed a hand to his forehead, “I don’t know yet.”
“Can you handle it?”
“I don’t know … yet.” No.. no I can’t.

Hakkai leaned over and brushed his fingers through Gojyo’s hair. He slowly twisted a strand between his fingers. He scanned Gojyo, his eyes darted from wound to wound. He worried his lip as crimson stands of hair faded with no delineation against sections of Gojyo’s skin. Panic washed across Hakkai’s face as he realized two things…one: those two unruly locks … weren’t being unruly. Those locks had fallen and intermingled among the rest of Gojyo’s hair. Two: these wounds continued under those black pants. This wasn’t all of it.
He curled his fingers under Gojyo’s left palm. Using his thumbs and careful instruction from Tenpou, he slowly …methodically…and with cautious calculation adjusted the slender delicate bones. He felt them gently jolt into place.
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Gojyo’s words slammed into Kenren. No… not denial. No…not that. Denial was tolerable as a short term coping mechanism, but the long term effects were heavily detrimental. He wasn’t going to do that to Gojyo.. No… not that. Not to just have to memories slam into him for years and years to come --- from some unknown trigger. No. He wasn’t going to plague Gojyo with half memories, mixing emotions and confusing dreams. No… Gojyo deserved better than to have his memories locked up somewhere. “It’s not the booze and you know it.”
“Man, I am never drinking that much tequila again…ever. Never again… you hear me?”
“It’s not the tequila and you know it. Gojyo, you know it!”
“Shhh…man…not so fucking loud. Ya know my old drinking partner would never let me drink this much. He… always had my back. You suck.”
“Damn it! Do you have to so stubborn!” Kenren clocked Gojyo right across the chin.
Gojyo reeled back. “Do you have to be so obstinate?”
“People are counting on you!” He shoved Gojyo back. “People need you!” He slapped Gojyo. “Ya gotta do it! Ya gotta do it for him!” He reared back and Gojyo caught his wrist.
Gojyo spoke though his teeth, “Hit me one more time and I’m gonna kick your fucking ass.”
“Do it …fucking fight…or are you some kind of wuss?”
Gojyo didn’t speak he just offered Kenren his best right.
Kenren staggered back a few steps. “That’s right…for him. Fight for him.”
Gojyo knitted his brow.; then, howled in pain as he cradled his left hand.
Kenren smiled. He didn’t feel a thing.
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Hakkai smoothed out the last piece of plaster soaked gauze. He inspected his work. Not bad. He left the thumb and half of the fingers exposed to allow for circulation checks. The cushioning cotton layer should help keep the skin from being irritated. He propped the wet cast on another chair so that it would dry evenly.
He looked up at Gojyo’s face. He smiled --- one of those unruly locks was back to being unruly.
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“I fight for my damn self.” He shoved Kenren back.
Kenren ran forward, “That’s a load of shit and you know it. We’ve always fought for others and ourselves. “
“What’s this we shit!? I fight for myself.” Gojyo fisted Kenren’s duster and jerked him forward.
“Bullshit. I’m calling bullshit on that one.”
“Bullshit? Bullshit?! Who the fuck do I fight for then?” He shoved Kenren away.
Kenren shook his head. “We fight to protect. Protect ourselves and our friends. We always have.”
Gojyo sneered. “I don’t have anyone for fight for anymore.”
“Yeah, you do.”
“Who?”
“Prince Nataku.” Tenpou would kick his ass if he ever found out about this, Kenren’s hand had been forced. To hell with that , ’Don’t upset the natural order of things,’ bullshit! He was going to use all resources available to knock some fucking sense in that blasted red-head.
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Hakkai took in a deep breath and continued his assessment. He lifted Gojyo’s shoulders and saw “YES” carved into his flesh -- carved thrice. His head spun. His eyes burned as they tried to tear up. He… he… he… wavered… tilted… the room spun … the walls dripped… his feet ran off without him… his legs ran off too.
He fell over. He was laid out.
Sanzo snapped up from his chair. He rushed over. He remembered that Hakkai hadn’t eaten and barely slept for… three complete days. Sanzo gritted his teeth. “Goku, go get some soup.” Sanzo was going to get Hakkai to eat something if he had to do it a gun point.
Violet eyes scanned sundered Crimson. His eyes narrowed. He remembered the day in the cave. What Gojyo took for the mission and for him. Could this… be related? That stupid kappa! No, wait…those in the cave were obviously associated with Homura. Kougaiji admitted this was done by one of his --- Kougaiji might be “the enemy“, but he didn‘t lie.
Many times people looked at him as the leader of this little band of ragamuffins. He didn’t feel much like a leader. One of his got separated and tortured. Another one was crashed out on the floor from lack of sleep, nourishment and dehydration. All he had left was the monkey and a command to go west. Great. This so pathetic. This is crazy. Leader? Not by a long shot… tour guide is what it felt like. A tour guide for a four-ring traveling circus. Five-ring circus counting the perfectly normal not-at-all-crazy concept of a dragon that turns into a jeep. “Tch.”
Goku returned with a soup tureen, five bowls and spoons. He dished out one bowl.
Sanzo shook Hakkai.
Hakkai failed to wake up.
Sanzo shook harder.
Hakkai failed to wake up.
“Damn it, Hakkai!” He jerked the green-eyed man’s shoulders.
Hakkai failed to wake up.
Sanzo gritted his teeth. He slapped Hakkai.
Hakkai failed to wake up.
Sanzo pressed a hand to his forehead. Shock knocked him out -- shock would have to wake him. Sanzo pushed his lips against Hakkai’s.
Goku smiled, that wasn’t so weird.
Hakkai’s eyes popped open. He gently nudged away from Sanzo and gasped.
Tenpou howled with laughter. He knew, Kenren was going to be PISSED when he learned of this.

Maybe, strength isn’t the answer to everything. Sanzo titled an eyebrow. “Don’t read too much into it. It was a means to an end.” And, if he told himself that enough, he’d believe it.
Hakkai softly chuckled, “You could have at least bought me flowers or something.”
Sanzo looked over at the soup, “Eat or I’ll kill you.”
Hakkai blinked. “I have to care for Gojyo.”
“That’s why you need to eat. Hakkai, you can’t care for him like this.”
“He can’t wait.”
Sanzo cocked his gun, “You can’t care for him when you’re dead.” Strength still had its purposes --- the combined strength of a violet gaze and a Smith and Wesson… got a lot of shit done.
Hakkai’s eyebrows lifted. He stood. His passive-aggressive belligerent nature kicked in. He stumbled as pain shot from his ankle. He tried to ignore it. He picked up a bowl and didn’t bother with a spoon. He drank the soup from the bowl. He didn’t even taste it. Sanzo wanted him to eat, then FINE! He was going to eat, but he was going to do it quickly and in his own way. He left out a terse huff.
Sanzo began counting down from five in his head.
Goku watched Hakkai stumble, “Hakkai, your ankle…it’s swollen.”
Hakkai wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, “I don’t care.” He looked over at Sanzo. “Happy now?”
Sanzo lifted an eyebrow, One. He watched as Hakkai doubled over.
Hakkai’s stomach seized. His heart raced. Sweat began to soak his head band.
Sanzo sucked his teeth. “Remember that feeling and don’t let it happened again.” He put his gun away.
Hakkai stumbled toward the bed. His arm pressed into his own abdomen. Something was wrong with Gojyo --- and that was fundamentally unacceptable. His ankle could wait. His stomach could wait. His irregular heartbeat could wait. Gojyo could not wait.
He leaned over Gojyo and pressed his hands against the mattress beside his friend and lover -- they were still lovers --- he was going to see that aspect of their relationship return to reality. He took a moment to collect himself and forced himself to stand. “I need you to step out while I get him undressed.”
Goku rolled his eyes, “Oh c’mon. We’ve seen him naked before.”
Hakkai looked over his shoulder. He didn’t know what he was about discover. Gojyo deserved the choice of telling Sanzo and Goku whatever he wanted to tell them about his injuries. “We owe him a level of privacy. Now, please excuse me.” He waited for them to leave the room.
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Gojyo ran his right hand through his hair, “Who is Nataku? You expect me to fight for someone I don’t even know?”
Kenren shook his head and softly waved his hands. “No, I do not expect you to fight for someone you don’t know.” Three negatives in on sentence --- well ---verbal communication was never his strong suit. He sighed and continued, “I expect. I expect you to do what I failed to do.”
Gojyo knitted his brow, “What was that?”
“Protect him.”
“Now, you expect me to protect someone I don’t know?” Gojyo flicked his hand as if he was batting a fly away, ”I don‘t need this shit, man.“
Kenren grabbed Gojyo by the shoulders and shook him, “No, damn it! Gojyo! I expect you to save him! I failed to protect him and now you have to save him. Shit!”
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Hakkai began to remove Gojyo’s pants. He curled his fingers around Gojyo’s pants’ button. The sundered flesh felt cold and feverish. He unbuttoned the button and began to pull the zipper down.
Hakkai’s heart was racing -- this time from anxiety not from electrolyte imbalances. Sweat -- cold sweat ran down his back. He didn’t tremble; he shook. He’d opened Gojyo’s pants plenty of times these past few months -- from several different angles. However, nothing felt or looked like this.
As the inflamed, broken, ruby and sapphire skin came in to view he froze. His mind went blank -- he couldn’t even gasp.
…
…

Oh,

…
…

My

…
…

GOD

…
…

Gojyo.
His senses slowly returned to him. He grabbed and clutched at the detached healer role --- that distance was absolutely critical now.
He began to pull the black denim down. Damp blood transferred from the black fabric to the sage sheets on the bed. Hakkai closed his eyes and whipped the fabric from Gojyo’s body.
Gojyo’s legs softly and limply bounced on the mattress.
Hakkai opened his eyes. He saw the wet blood seep from between Gojyo’s legs. He wavered as he wrapped his fingers around the top sheet.
…
…

Gojyo,

…
…
…

I’m sorry.

His world went black. Hakkai’s legs fell out from under him as someone so rudely jerked the floor. His knees crashed against the floor. His body slumped forward and pushed against the mattress.
Goku and Sanzo shared a brief look. No words were needed, they heard the thud and just knew. They threw the door open and dashed to Hakkai’s side.
Goku gently nudged Hakkai’s shoulders, “Hakkai!”
Sanzo wrapped his fingers around Hakkai’s collar and pulled the brunette to his feet. His put his nose a whisper off Hakkai’s nose. “Wake THE FUCK up!” He lifted an eyebrow.
Hakkai failed to wake up.
Sanzo sighed, “Don’t make me get the gun.”
Hakkai failed to wake up.
Sanzo cringed, “Don’t make me kiss you, again.”
“I’m awake.” Hakkai muttered --- he even had the strength to nearly chuckle.
Hakkai took his own body weight and adjusted his shirt, “Thank you --- I think.” He weakly smiled. “Where would we be without your strength, Sanzo?”
Sanzo knitted his brow. Could it be that his companions saw him as strong? If so, why did he still feel weak? Especially, when he looked at the bruised and battered form that once was Gojyo. “Tch.” He stepped away fishing in his robes for his cigarettes.
Goku pulled his eyes from Gojyo, “What..” his voice tailed off as his brow knitted. “Wh--what…” He turned and closed his eyes.
Hakkai sighed and put a hand on Goku’s shoulder. “He’s been tortured.” Hakkai scanned Gojyo’s sheet covered form. Luckily, he was able to pull the sheet just enough to offer Gojyo privacy as (or maybe before) he lost contact with the world.
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Gojyo jerked Kenren‘s hands off his shoulders and took a few steps away. “Look, I don’t know what you are talking about.” He motioned wildly with his arms, ”I’m on some stupid ass mission west to do some shit with some demon for some fucking reason and somehow all this is suppose to save the goddamn world.”
“No, it is much bigger than that. You have to … rescue the one that was, save the one that is and protect the one that will be.” Kenren unintentionally mimicked Gojyo’s arm movements.
Gojyo tilted his head and his shoulders dropped. He spoke with resignation, “Who the fuck are you talking about? What are you talking about?”
Kenren sighed as his shoulders dropped, “The MONKEY, man, the MONKEY!”
“Goku?” Gojyo’s brow knitted.
Kenren rolled his eyes and smacked a hand to his forehead, “Yes… cause one of these days…” He pulled his hand from his forehead and held it loosely to the side. He spoke with mild resignation, “Heaven’s gonna to need a new puppet and you, Sanzo and Hakkai have to…”
Gojyo felt something twist inside himself. He pushed a hand to his stomach. He went a bit dizzy.
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Tenpou gasped as he looked at a worried, weak and befuddled Hakkai.
Tenpou pulled his glasses from his face, ran a hand through his bangs and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He knew there was a solution here somewhere. He just needed a moment to think. Something poked at him through the fog of worry in his mind. He wasn’t sure if he’d heard it, read it or even said it at some point, but it was fitting. “Wise men wonder while strong men die.”

That’s it! Hakkai was being too clinical. Hakkai was being too detached. He was being too technical.
Tenpou removed his hand, put on his glasses and looked at Hakkai, “That’s it.”
Hakkai titled his head, “What’s it?”
Tenpou sighed, “Wise men wonder while strong men die. Strength is the solution. Take a clue from your blonde friend.”
Hakkai shook his head, in his current condition strength wasn’t an option. His head slowly stopped shaking and he stared at his friend in the white coat. His eyes narrowed. “No. No way. It is too risky.”
Gonou --- the one that has been the most reluctant. The one that had grown quiet in confusion and soft protest over the whole situation. The one that only relented a little

walked over to Sanguinans, bent , picked up a chain and looked at Hakkai, "We can do it. We have to do it." He still wasn’t entirely on board with this whole “gay thing“, but he knew love and friendship.
Hakkai turned and faced Sanzo; he squeezed Goku’s shoulder, “I can’t do this alone.” He pushed his hands to his face and wiped them down. He looked at Goku, “You’ll have to stop me.” He looked at Sanzo and a obviously forced smile appeared on his face, “You’ll have to kill me. Don’t let the madness take me, please.”
Sanzo knitted his brow, “You’re not…” His voice trailed off as Hakkai’s actions made the situation clear.
Hakkai could control Sanguinans. He knew it. Gojyo had proven that to him, but he was going to hedge his bets. His fingers opened ---

CLINK … CLINK
Two limiters fell as Hakkai cried out.
Sanguinans pulled at his chains his muscles rippled under his skin. Jade was more than ready for a hunt. His lip curled and a pointed canine gleamed in the light.
Emerald stared down Jade, “We won’t be searching today.”
Jade lifted an eyebrow. No one tells him what to do. He yanked at the pressure of his remaining chains. His voice rumbled through Hakkai’s soul. “Why did you call?”
Hakkai picked up a chain, “We cannot find what we seek. We need to save that which has not yet been taken from us.”
Pointed talons stretched for Hakkai.
Hakkai held up a hand to block the attack. His stomach clenched as fear washed over him.

Had this been a horrible mistake?
Had he just sacrificed all his friends?

[Somewhere a butterfly flapped its wings.]

Talons interlaced with rounded nails. “Gojyo?”
Hakkai was shocked. “You recognize Gojyo?” He settled his hand around the vined demon fingers --- a rounded thumbnail rested on the outside of a pointed talon capped thumb.
“I do now.” After that night a couple of weeks ago, he should recognize Gojyo. With or without limiters Hakkai was Hakkai --- the core was the same even if it was mangled, distorted and warped during the implementation. Hakkai never forgot a lover. “I am answering your call.”
Jade shared Emerald and Jade didn’t mind --- too much.
Softly slanted emerald-starburst-with-jade eyes looked at the sheeted figure. The struggling demon “tented” his hands together and the chi “turbo boost” kicked in.
Sanzo and Goku watched in shock as their friend struggled under his clothes. The back of Hakkai’s green shirt ripped and the cloth slipped down his shoulders.
Goku solemnly walked over and picked up the two limiters.
Sanzo drew his gun. He didn’t like this one little bit.
Goku walked over to Sanzo and fingered the two small pieces of metal. “Sanzo, how does something so small contain something so frightening?”
Sanzo eyed the young man in his tutelage. “You’d be better qualified to answer that than me.”
Goku looked up, “You mean my limiter?”
“No, I mean you.”
Hakkai wavered on his feet and collapsed to the floor. Goku ran to him and put the limiters on his ear.
Sanzo stuffed the Smith and Wesson in his robes; thankfully, it remained fully loaded. He always knew it would come down to him to save his friends from the madness. He’d kept his distance because of it. It was extremely difficult, even for Genjyo Sanzo, to kill something that had a name, had a face, and was the recipient of affection. His jaw set as he wondered if he could even do it. Truth be told, he wasn’t sure if he could offer his --- friends --- a mercy kill.
Goku wrung out a sponge in one of the bowls of water they’d requested earlier. He began to wipe the blood from Gojyo’s skin.
Sanzo hooked his arms under Hakkai’s and began to pull the man from the floor. One of Hakkai’s hands twitched and gripped Sanzo’s arm. Sanzo sat Hakkai in the free chair beside the bed.
Hakkai slumped forward.
Violet eyes scanned the sheeted figure before him. “He’s still not healed.”
Goku shook his head, “No, but there is some improvement.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kenren continued, “… protect him. Don’t you see this?” He knitted his brow, “Are you ok?”
Gojyo nodded, “Yeah, that felt…strange.”
Kenren nodded, “That’s probably just Hakkai …”
Gojyo bent over. “Aww shit man…” His heart began to race and sweat began to bead on his forehead. His brow knitted and he panted softly with his mouth slightly open.
“Gojyo?”
Gojyo collected himself and shook off whatever it was that upset him, “It doesn’t matter anymore anyways. “
“Why is that?”
Kenren and Gojyo hadn’t yet figured it out, but the “whatever it was that upset him” was the effects of his own Pavlovian response to the sound of Hakkai‘s name twisted with healing chi.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hakkai remained incased in darkness for several hours. Blurry emerald looked at the figured before him.

CLINK … CLINK
Goku ran to grab the limiters. Sanzo sucked his teeth.
Green chi lit up the room, it faded and Hakkai collapsed.
Again, Goku replaced the limiters. Again, Sanzo lifted him in the floor.
Goku looked at Hakkai’s ankle, “Sanzo, look.”
Sanzo shook his head. Hakkai’s ankle was swollen three times its normal size.
The two of them walked back to the table in the room.
Goku folded his hands by his chin, “Why do I feel so useless?”
Sanzo looked at his charge. Why was it the golden-eyed man-child seemed to speak the thoughts the blonde desperately tried to bury?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gojyo held his hands out, “I’m done…they can do it without me. I’m done. I’m sick of this. I’m sick of the traveling. I’m sick of fighting. I’m sick of the pain and injuries. I’m sick of Goku irritating the shit out of me.” He pointed a finger at Kenren, “And, I’m absolutely sick to death of Sanzo’s attitude.”
“What about Hakkai you sick of him too?”
Gojyo folded both arms around his stomach and bent over. His head began to pound. Sweat rolled down his face and yet he felt cold. He tilted his head to make eye contact with Kenren, “He left me, man.” He straighten up. “He left me! I don’t need to stay where I’m obviously not wanted. I have a place to go. I don’t need the issues … the fucking issues.” He wiped his hands down his face.
Kenren watched Gojyo’s contortions with confusion, “So, you’re just giving up, huh?”
“Yeah…I’m just quitting.” Gojyo nodded as if the statement needed punctuation.
“I always pegged you as a pussy. I suppose I should have seen you giving up when things got tough.” Kenren could play hardball. He was the King of Hardball. He’d play dirty if he had to. He’d even go juvenile if it got the job done.
“What the fuck? I’ve taken hits and I stood up afterward. I’ve been knocked down and I got right back up!” He shook a fist at Kenren, “I’m not a pussy!”
“You sure seem like it now.” In all of history, there was never a more smug voice.
“Fuck you…I don’t need you.” Gojyo flipped off Kenren.
That was true. Kenren couldn’t argue with that, “No, you never really have… until now.”
That was true. Gojyo couldn‘t argue with that, but he would anyway. “I don’t need you now. I’m going home.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hakkai twitched.

CLINK … CLINK
The process repeated itself over and over again. Each subsequent time resulted in less healing time and more unconscious time.
Sanzo watched as his companion worked himself to an early grave. He stood up and pulled Hakkai from the floor. He moved Gojyo’s now dry cast and sat in the chair next to Hakkai. He waited. He waited for that green-eyed demon to offer one glimpse of wakefulness.
Hakkai twitched.
Sanzo snatched Hakkai’s wrist. “Stop.”
Hakkai swayed in his chair. Weak, dull emerald looked around violet. “Go--go--Gojyo.”
“Has been healed as much as you can. You’ve been at this for two days.”
Hakkai lazily blinked at the sheet figure, “Bl--bl--blood.”
“Old and dried. His wounds have closed.”
Hakkai took in a breath of strength, “There’s more…” under the sheet.

Sanzo slapped Hakkai -- straight out pimp-slapped him.
Hakkai reeled in his seat.
Sanzo used his hand around Hakkai’s wrist as a means to keep the man from the floor. “You’ve pumped enough chi in him to keep him from the flu for a decade. He’s healed! DAMN IT!” He grabbed Hakkai’s face and dove into wavering emerald eyes. “Shit Hakkai! You did it! You saved him. All he needs is time. You are killing yourself and I won’t have it. I’ll kill you first!”

Saved him? Hakkai’s eyes went wide. Sanguinans cried out in victory. Saved him --- working together they’d saved him. They had rescued a loved one from certain death. Today was a good day.
Hakkai managed a weak smile. “Where’s my shirt?”
Sanzo sighed. He’d never understand the brilliant, but often scattered brained man sitting before him. “Getting repaired.”
“Oh.” Hakkai was so weak and worn out he sounded child-like. He looked down at the floor and lifted his ankle, “Oh my, that’s big.”
Sanzo stood up and cringed. He bent over and grabbed Hakkai’s pant leg. He sat it on the chair he previously occupied. “Keep it up. We’ll get you some ice.”
Hakkai felt his ankle. “Oh good, it’s not broken.” His eyes fluttered back and he slumped forward. His head landed in Gojyo’s stomach.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kenren knitted his brow. His tactics weren‘t working. Gods! Life was so much simpler when he could just punch his way to being right. He pondered Gojyo‘s weaknesses. His own weaknesses. A glint briefly twinkled in his eye, “What about what other people need, Gojyo? What about that? Why do you have to so selfish?”
Anger and resentment flashed behind crimson eyes. “Selfish! Selfish! I drop my whole life for this. I took him in. How dare you call me selfish!” How dare someone call him selfish. He’d sacrificed nearly everything for everyone else. He’d given up so much! And, one night when we was young he was willing to sacrifice himself just to stop some tears. Selfish --- that was ludicrous!
“So with all you have sacrificed and with all that everyone else has sacrificed … you can just walk away?” Kenren lifted an eyebrow and suppressed a smug smile.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Half-breed fingers twitched and touched human-turned-demon fingers.
Somewhere deep in Hakkai’s mind the twitched registered. His head wavered as he slowly lifted from Gojyo’s stomach. He blinked slowly three times as he tried to capture his senses. He saw Gojyo’s dark tanned skin touching his light tan skin and his soul soared! He blinked quickly and grinned. He scanned Gojyo’s sheet covered form starting at his lover’s feet and ending at that wonderful face. He chuckled as he noticed that second lock of unruly hair was being unruly. He softly spoke, “That’s right Gojyo, fight. Come back to me, please.”
Hakkai’s eyes crossed suddenly as a jabbing pain dove into his midsection and radiated across his abdomen. He swallowed. He was hungry. He was famished. He was starving! He smirked, This must be what Goku goes through.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned. Emerald found violet.
Sanzo softly spoke, “You need to eat.”
Hakkai nodded, “Yes, I do.”
Violet cut toward crimson. “How is he?”
It didn’t shock Hakkai that Sanzo cared. He knew Sanzo cared. Sanzo has cared since the beginning, it’s just that the blonde priest didn’t know how to express himself. Genjyo Sanzo didn’t allow himself the pleasures of friendship and caring. “He needs rest. His body is healed.”
Gojyo’s body was healed. All the cuts, all the abrasions -- internally and externally -- had been healed. The bruises and redness remained. Some of the wounds were thinly covered with skin so some bandages remained, but the red-head’s skin was now intact. Gojyo was healed thanks to all the fractures of Hakkai working together. If anyone of them had been absent then --- well --- one should just be thankful a butterfly wasn’t around or rather one should be thankful a butterfly was around about 500 years ago to start this line of ordered chaos.
The ordered chaos that led the situation to where it is now:
A priest, a monkey, a demon and a half-breed heading west to save the world.
Sanzo sucked his teeth. Another situation not solved by him, as this journey lingered on he felt more and more useless. He could fall off the face of the Earth and these three would be able to complete the mission. They might even be able to complete it faster if it weren’t for his human weaknesses. His innate ability to walk right into fists and blades -- just slowed down everything.
Hakkai touched Sanzo’s hand, “Thank you, Sanzo.”
Violet twitched an eyebrow, “For what?”
“For your strength. I took a clue from you, I hope you don’t mind.” Hakkai’s stomach rumbled.
Sanzo listened to the words and tried desperately to hear them. Did he really have a purpose beyond transporting the sutra that hung around his neck? If he took off the robes would he still have worth? When he looked into those emerald eyes --- sometimes he wondered. He wondered that the man that wore the robes just might have some value. Some value, beyond being a flesh hanger for the robes and sutra. “You were out during dinner. I made sure the monkey saved you some.”
Hakkai leaned on the chair as he stood. He stepped over a sleeping Goku and made his way to the table. “Thank you.”
Sanzo sat down at the table next to Hakkai and handed the green-eyed man a wrapped bowl. “I put the rice in the soup so it would get soft. Your system can take anything too solid now.”
Hakkai’s hand brushed Sanzo’s as he took the bowl. “Thank you, I’ll be sure not to eat too fast this time.”
Sanzo’s heart skipped a beat as Hakkai brushed his hand. He withdrew his hand and tucked it into his robes. That joke all those months back it was all a joke, right? None of that was serious was it? His behavior earlier, it couldn’t be some kind of deep seated Freudian Slip, could it? No, he couldn’t allow such things. That would just complicate things.
Hakkai picked up the porcelain spoon and began to slowly eat.
Sanzo crossed his arms over his chest, “It’s cold and I don’t want to hear any complaining.”
Hakkai smiled, “It’s fine.” He enjoyed these moments alone with Sanzo. The softer side --- softer-in-relative-comparison-side of Sanzo came out. Sanzo let go of some of his walls … some of his guarding while the two were alone. “So, if I ever leave do you still want me to take you with me?”
“Yes.” He eyed Goku sprawled out on the floor and Gojyo carefully laid out on the bed. No one was going anywhere: Hakkai knew that and Sanzo knew that.
It seems as if the “two adults” in this foursome needed the “two children” more than Sanzo cared to admit. “Although, we wouldn’t be able to play Mahjongg.”
Hakkai chuckled, “We could figure out other ways to entertain ourselves.“
Sanzo blinked and knitted his brow. Was that a come on? Sanzo shook his head, surely Hakkai meant cards, or reading or even philosophical discussions.
Hakkai nodded as he continued, “You’re right about the Mahjongg. Suppose we shouldn’t leave then?” The effects of the electrolyte imbalance caused by going too long before eating began to kick in. This time it wasn’t so bad because Hakkai was slowly eating. He still didn’t like the way he internally trembled, his heart raced and his skin broke into a cold sweat. He shivered. “I need a shower.”
Hakkai slowly stood. He didn’t need to ask Sanzo to do anything. He didn’t need to tell the priest to come get him if Gojyo were to so much as indicate that he might possibly wake. He didn’t need to tell him because a flash of violet told him that Sanzo already knew and had already decided to abide by the unspoken requests.
Tenpou smirked. He’d known Konzen centuries longer than he knew Kenren. He and the blonde had always been able to communicate better with unspoken words and eye contact than they ever could with verbal language. He couldn’t help but to wonder how bored Konzen was now --- how that blonde was doing inside that other blonde.
Sanzo regularly heard one voice --- Goku’s. The others he ignored ; they just pissed him off. Irritated the hell out of him, except for one and that one didn’t speak to him nearly enough. That was the voice of his Master. The rest of his conscience could take a flying leap into oblivion, he didn’t need them.
Konzen rolled his eyes, at least in heaven he had documents to stamp which alleviated the dullest edge of boredom. Here: he had Goku. He had Goku in a way he couldn’t have Goku before. He hated to admit --- even if it was just to himself --- how much he needed that monkey. And yet, he needed that green-eyed man. He was slowly getting through to Sanzo, but it was a long and arduous battle.
Headstrong, stubborn, obstinate --- all four --- ALL of them. Hakuryuu AKA Gojun wasn’t so uptight this time around and Goku had , thankfully, matured. But, the four humanoids -- the Gods, the demons and the human --- were indeed stubborn -- too stubborn for their own good.
Sanzo lifted an eyebrow, “Hakkai, are you sure that is wise?”
Hakkai tilted his head to the side, “What are you talking about?”
“Are you sure it --- after what you have been through …” His voice trailed off. “If you fall in the shower, I’m not picking you up.”
Hakkai smiled, “I’ll be fine.”
“Tch.” Aside form physically restraining the green-eyed man there was nothing Sanzo could do. He knew it. Hakkai was soft spoken and polite, but that man was too stubborn for his own good.
Sanzo waited until the door clicked closed and took up vigil in the chair by Gojyo’s bed. He sucked his teeth. “Stupid Kappa.” He muttered. “How dare you delay us like this.”
Sanzo was torn to pieces over this. He was wrought with worry and guilt. Three men and a dragon -- that was all he had to keep an eye on and he couldn’t even do that. His companions had sustained enough injuries to last lifetimes and they weren’t even halfway west yet.
“Tch.” He didn’t want something that needed protection. He couldn’t have people with him that couldn’t look out for themselves. He didn’t need the black, blue and purple reminders of his fallacies!

Damn it. Damn them! Sanzo hoped they would live long enough for him to kill each and everyone of them for making him feel. “Damn it! If you die on me…” He pushed a cigarette between his lips and lit it. He scanned the candlelit room and rolled his eyes. Hakkai had remembered a his shampoo , soap and towel, but had forgotten his pajamas. He sucked his teeth again and turned in his chair. He tapped Goku with his foot, “Monkey!”
Goku remained asleep.
He tapped harder, “Monkey!”
Goku pretended to be asleep. If I lay here, they will leave me alone like they always do.

“Damn it!” The fan flew.
“Shit! Sanzo! That hurts!” Goku rubbed his head as he sat upright. “Gods! How do you make paper hurt?!”
“Take Hakkai his pajamas. He‘s taking a shower.”
“You do it, if you want it done so badly.” Goku whined as he pulled himself to his feet. “Why me?”
“Because I said so!”
“I don’t wanna!” Golden eyes rolled and Goku sucked his teeth. He was gearing up for one serious hissy-fit and he wanted the world to know.
“Damn it! Do as your told!” Sanzo knew this was going to get ugly. Where was the maturity he saw when they had their moments alone? Who was this temperamental defiant child in front of him?
“I’m not your servant! Do it your damn self.” Adolescent attitude poured from the golden-eyed man. Goku sat down at the table in a huff.
Sanzo rubbed the bridge of his nose as veins began to pop out on his forehead. “If something goes wrong with Gojyo, will you know what to do ---”
Goku interrupted, “Yeah, get Hakkai.”
That damn monkey was going to get it and get it good. Sanzo stood and stormed across the room. The fan flew -- again --- and again. “I said take them to him.” Whack! “And I mean it!” Whack! “So move your ass!”
Goku hopped around trying to duck and dodge the paper as it flew. “Ok! Ok, ok, ok. I’m going!” He grabbed Hakkai’s night clothes and stormed from the room.
Sanzo sat back down and looked at the cigarette that was still in his hand, still intact and still lit. He took a drag. There was no way he was going to be alone in a room with a naked Hakkai. He didn’t trust himself that much.
Konzen sucked his teeth. He was reluctant too --- in the beginning. Especially, once Tenpou began seeing that damn General. In the end, everything worked out. Why did these beings have to make everything so complicated. “It could ---.”
Sanzo interrupted the noisy and nosey long haired blonde, “Don’t!” He didn’t need anyone giving him ideas. “It would complicate things even further. So, just shut the hell up.”
Konzen crossed his arms in front of his chest, turned sharply and walked off into the recesses of Sanzo’s mind. Blonde hair swayed below his hips as he angrily walked. He didn’t need this shit. Well, it could work out. It did before.

Sanzo snuffed out his cigarette and eyed the half-demon in front of him.
Gojyo shivered.
Sanzo knitted his brow and watched for signs of consciousness on the half-breed’s face.
A still dripping, but clothed in pajamas, Hakkai walked in the room alone. “Goku went to bed.” He was wearing his summer pajamas, the off-white short sleeved cotton knit shirt and matching shorts. They were out of season as this was early autumn, but he gotten so use to sleeping naked with Gojyo, he just knew he’d miss the skin contact .
Sanzo lifted an eyebrow. That had to have been the quickest shower in history. “He shivered.”
Hakkai lifted both eyebrows in pleasant surprise, “Really? That means he’s cold, that means he’s on his way back.” He hoped his tone of voice convinced Sanzo.
“Bullshit. That means he coming around enough to go into shock.” Those emerald eyes told of worry inside his companion.
Hakkai ran a hand through his wet bangs, “Why don’t you go to bed? I’ll keep an eye on him.”
Sanzo stood from the chair, “As if I have a choice.” He stepped toward the door and put a hand on the doorknob, “Hakkai…” He turned and violet glanced at emerald.
Hakkai nodded, “No, heroics. I promise.” Hakkai held up is palm in a melodramatic gesture of sincerity. “You’ll just be on the other side of that wall. I’m sure, “ a big smile washed across his face, “the bullet will reach.”
“Tch.” with that Sanzo was out the door. Sanzo tried to remember the last time he’d shot at Hakkai. He couldn’t recall it. Surely, he had. All of them at some point was the recipient of one those infamous Sanzo “next-time-I-won’t-miss” warning shots. Yes, it seemed Hakkai irritated him the least. On some days, he was willing to admit he actually liked the guy.
Hakkai eyed his crimson haired lover and brushed his fingers across Gojyo’s scarred cheek. “Fight, Gojyo…please.”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kenren saw Gojyo smile, “That touch feels good doesn’t it.”
Gojyo softly closed his eyes, “Yeah, it does. It’s warm and inviting -- comforting.”
“It’s more than that.” Kenren leaned his back against his favorite tree.
The tree had returned, that meant everything was going to be alright. Everything was going to work out.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hakkai leaned over and lightly kissed Gojyo’s lips.
Crimson eyes opened.
Hakkai backed his head just enough to view is lover in focus. He smiled warmly.
Gojyo’s field of vision was full of emerald eyes. Everywhere emerald. Everywhere ---

[Somewhere a butterfly flapped its wings]
Something twisted inside Gojyo. Being left handed, Gojyo’s natural inclination was to start with that hand.
The cast swung.
The last person in the whole world Hakkai ever expected to hit him was Gojyo. He was caught off guard. That hand wrapped in hard plaster connected on his cheek bone. Hakkai reeled back crashing into the two chairs.

[Somewhere a butterfly flapped its wings]
The chairs skidded across the floor and knocked into the table. The table tilted and fell over. The falling of the table shifted the box of kappa rolls. The boxes fell to the floor. The kappa rolls rolled out of the boxes and intermingled.
The old spoiled Kappa rolls were forever mixed with the “new” Kappa rolls.
Forever changing things.
Crimson eyes softly closed.
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Gojyo looked at Kenren as panic washed across his face. “Were still here!”
Trepidation surrounded Kenren; he dropped his wine flask. Oh shit! Oh fuck! GODS! “No, Gojyo…no.” Not denial!

Gojyo nodded quickly, “I got a hit in this time. They won’t have such and easy time doing this shit to us again.”
Kenren’s jaw set, “Damn it Gojyo! You’ve got to remember!”
Gojyo’s eyes narrowed. “I do remember. I remember all of it.”
“Not if you hit Hakkai… you don’t remember it. You don’t remember it right.”
Gojyo winced at the sound of Hakkai’s name. “Fuck you! I remember enough!” He did remember enough. He remembered just enough to be violet, angry, and totally terrified.
Kenren noticed that wince and his mental wheels started turning.
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Hakkai hobbled and stumbled to his feet. His ankle throbbed. His cheek hurt. He rubbed his quickly forming bruise. He eyed his lover as he knitted his brow. Gojyo would never strike out at him. He knew that. He harbored no doubts about that --- it had to be the memories.
Sanzo barreled into the room, “Hakkai!”
Hakkai tried to wave off the blonde, “I’m fine.” He lifted his hurt ankle as he tried to upright the table.
Sanzo wrapped his arms around the wavering demon and immediately regretted his that decision. He only meant to urge his friend toward stability. He… he … wasn’t expecting this tingle… this odd tingle.
A violet eye glared from behind long blonde bangs. Glared … narrowed and waited. Damn it, you’re not stupid! Recognize it!

Sanzo assisted Hakkai into a chair, “What happened?”
Hakkai glanced at violet and then starred at crimson, “He hit me.”
“Hit you?” A blonde eyebrow lifted.
“Yeah, I know he didn’t mean it.” He rubbed the point of collision with his fingertips, “There was no sense of recognition in those eyes. He was awake, but he wasn’t here.”
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Kenren scanned Gojyo’s face, “Gojyo?” He softly spoke.
Gojyo was planning --- he was thinking of ways out of this situation. “What?”
Kenren needed to test a theory. “Hakkai.”
Gojyo winced. “What about him?”
“Tenpou.”
Gojyo didn’t wince, “What do you know of him?” Gojyo was really asking. He was getting pretty tired of other people knowing a lot more about his situation than he did.
“Emerald.”
Gojyo winced, but not as strongly as before.
Kenren raised an eyebrow and gritted his teeth. His plan --- the game they played had backfired and he now saw it. “Damn.”
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Sanzo scanned Gojyo and carried his gaze to an obviously worried Hakkai, “You know he is too stubborn to die.”
Hakkai smiled, “And, you’re too stubborn to let him die by any other means than you.” He sighed as scanned Gojyo. “Which means, I have to stick around to keep you two from killing each other.” He tired to softly chuckle.
Sanzo lit a cigarette, “Tch.” Do you have to cover up everything with that damned smile?

Hakkai glanced at Sanzo and looked back at Gojyo, “Go back to bed, I’ve got everything under control in here. I refuse to let him go … again.”
Sanzo shrugged and turned. He knew it was fruitless to point out to Hakkai that the green-eyed peacemaker was far from having everything under control. “You might be the only one more stubborn than he.” With that, Sanzo left the room --- again.
Hakkai knitted his brow. He could be stubborn. When he set his mind to something --- when he became determined he could be damn stubborn. Tonight illustrated that he could be stubborn to a self-sacrificing fault. He was too stubborn to give up on Gojyo.
He lifted himself from the chair and slightly raised his hurt ankle --- just enough to get his toes from the floor and release the pressure. He knew it just needed rest, the swelling would go down with time.
Time --- rest and time. He scanned his lover. Just like this ankle -- the swelling would go down, the hurt would fade --- with rest and time.
He thought about Gojyo and what Gojyo’s comfort zones were. Touch… companionship….togetherness. Sitting here and looking at Gojyo wasn’t going to bring his lover back to him. He needed physical contact with Gojyo. Gojyo needed a physical reminder of where he was and with whom he shared a bed.
Hakkai straightened his pajamas and smoothed out the short cotton shorts against his upper thighs. He leaned over and slowly lifted Gojyo’s back from the bed. He propped up the pillow against the headboard and slipped between Gojyo and the pillow. As he pulled Gojyo down to his chest, he wrapped his arms around his lover.
There in the pitch dark of night he held and comforted he mentally lost lover. Hakkai tilted his head forward and rested his forehead on Gojyo’s shoulder. He pulled the warm bedding up to the at-one-time drifter lover’s chest and answered the comforting call of skin on skin contact with his best friend and lover.
Confident that Gojyo could go no where without his knowledge and that no “lone rogue” could harm his lover in the safe emerald palace he’d created, Hakkai slowly allowed himself to sleep.
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Gojyo knitted his brow, “What?” His face quickly soften and his body visibly relaxed. Crimson eyes lifted and held a special twinkle --- a spark of the light of life. “What is this?”
Kenren smiled --- he knew that look. He knew that look -- that sparkle -- was only evoked by the touch of his green-eyed lover. “That’s him. That’s the one you are trying to run from.”
“No, I’d never run from this.” Gojyo sat down and leaned his back against the heavenly tree. He felt warm, calm and comfortable. He jumped to his feet. “No, this is some kind of trick.” He narrowed his eyes and began to pace on the soft green grass. “What the hell am I doing?”
Kenren lifted an eyebrow. This isn’t good.

Gojyo looked at Kenren. “I got a hit in. That means I’m not restrained anymore.”
Kenren blinked. Uh-oh.

“I’m Sha Gojyo!” His chest puffed with pride. “I don’t just take this kind of shit from strangers.”
Kenren’s eyes widened. “Gojyo, you’re going down the wrong path.”
“Wrong path! Bullshit!” Anger flashed behind crimson eyes. “I’ll tell you wrong path. The wrong path is when that bitch though she could just do whatever the hell she wanted with my body!” Gojyo clenched his fists. “It’s time I showed her what the wrong path is.”
Kenren shook his head. “No, Gojyo you got it wrong.” He does remember… here. Why doesn’t he piece it together on the outside?

Gojyo had tuned out Kenren -- he was lost in anger and resentment. He grabbed his shirt, “I own this!” He shook his right hand in the air. “This is mine!” He slapped a palm to his chest. “Mine! This is mine! I choose who I touch and who touches me. Where and how! Not her.”
Kenren stood in front of Gojyo and glared, “Gojyo we are not there anymore.”
“Let me pass.” Gojyo took a step to the side.
Kenren mimicked that step. “Listen to me, damn it!”
“Let me pass!” Gojyo yelled and took another step to the side.
Kenren mirrored Gojyo’s movement. “You’re going to do something you’ll regret.”
Gojyo’s mouth curled into a snarl as his head tilted down. A low soft disturbing chuckle left him. “Me… no you got that wrong. I’m going to show her she’s done something to regret. I’m about to … help her get a real deep understanding of regret.”
Kenren stretched his arms out to grab Gojyo and his hands passed right through their target.
Stubborn --- unruly -- obstinate didn’t even begin to cover this.
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Crimson eyes glistened in the dark of the room. They pierced the inky blackness. Behind me. He whipped around and --- pondered the heaviness of his left arm. A cast? To hell with it, he’d use it.
Hakkai gasped as the hard cold plaster pushed against his neck, “Gojyo.”
Gojyo gritted his teeth, “Mistake bitch, you unchained me.”
Hakkai flinched in fear. He’s still not here. “Gojyo, it’s me --- Hakkai. Hakkai!”
Memories twisted in Gojyo’s gut and that fueled his aggression. He used his cast to restrain his target and a hand traveled up a bare thigh. “Lying bitch. You don’t have the right to say that name.”
Gojyo was going to reclaim his body and take hers -- just to make sure she understood the pain.
Hakkai writhed and twisted under the pressure of the cast. He knew he could get out of this with one calculated blast of chi, but where would that leave his lover. “Gojyo…” ,he barely sputtered, “Gojyo…”
“Remember that name.” He wormed his fingers between Hakkai’s shorts and his thigh. He pushed up and found warm flesh. He balled up a fist and began to press. He sneered, “Sorry, I don’t have a bat.” He softly chuckled.
Panic jolted through Hakkai. He felt his lover pushing against his personal opening and sharp pain seared through him. His eyes began to water as his hips jerked trying to get away. He coughed for air and kicked his legs. He whipped a hand to crimson strands and forced words through his constricted airway, “Stop , Gojyo, stop. You’re hurting me, Gojyo!”

[Somewhere a butterfly flapped it’s wings.]
Gojyo froze. Memories invoked by that sentence flooded him.
**************************************************************************************
“You’re hurting me, Gojyo,” Breathlessly whispered from Hakkai’s lips.
“I warned you. Cum for me.” He increased the speed and pressure.
“You’re hurting me,” slid from Hakkai’s lips.
“Cum for me.” Again, he increased the speed and pressure.
“You’re hurting me, Gojyo!” Hakkai’s eyes widened and his back arched.
“You’re cumming.” Gojyo smiled, he knew Hakkai was right on the edge.
“You’re hurting me!”
“You’re cumming.”
****************************************************************************************
Gojyo trembled. What was he doing? He didn’t do this. He didn’t act out in this way! He didn’t turn sexuality into a weapon not matter the circumstances. He was dangerously close to crossing a line. He was teetering --- toying with becoming what he left when he found home. He was pushing someone else into his personal hell -- his horrid memories.
That anatomy by his fist was not that of a woman. This scent filling his senses was not that of perfume. This all over body tingle was not caused by pain. He lifted his cast and heard a soft gasp followed by a rough cough.
He slowly slid his hand from that warm soft thigh. Hollow hurt and internal fear pulled upon him. Fear over the monster he nearly became. Fear of what these flashes of emotion --- these half-memories were pushing from him.
He could no longer trust himself.
Crimson eyes shifted through the velvet black of the air.
Hakkai rubbed his neck and took in a breath of relaxation. Emerald eyes scanned the pure ink of the night air.
There ensconced in utter darkness --- two lovers --- to pieces of salvage were just inches away form each other and they could not see each other.
The lights on the lighthouses had burned out --- it would take time to get the lantern relit.
Gojyo pulled himself from the bed and staggered to his feet. His head spun as the cool hard floor pushed against the warmth of his feet. He teetered and stretched a hand out.
Hakkai felt Gojyo lift from him and sat up. He raised a hand in the air and felt for his lover.

[Somewhere a butterfly flapped its wings.]
Gojyo’s hand connected --- with the wood of a chair.
Hakkai’s hand swished freely through the air.
They missed. They missed each other on a multitude of levels.
Someone somewhere needed to shoot a butterfly.
Weak with hunger, dehydration, lingering effects of injuries and mental confusion Gojyo leaned on that chair. He spoke through clenched teeth as he cradled his cast against his chest, “Don’t we have a mission?”
He could just turn back time. He could just pretend none of this happened. He could just push this back in his mind and let it rot. He didn’t need this shit. He needed to rescue the one that was, save the one that is and protect the one that will be.
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The Great Kannon looked over her water garden and sighed.
A swarm of butterflies swooped through the blue sky and nearly skimmed the water. Hundreds --- thousands --- millions of butterflies landed on pink petals and green leaves. The pond was covered in a kaleidoscope of color and the air hummed under the vibration of their wings. With one great flap of unity, the whole swarm lifted and returned to flight.
War Prince Nataku failed to blink.
The bodhisattva looked over at the golden-eyed child that was trapped in his self-protecting flesh prison. She sighed, “I wonder if there will ever be enough butterflies for you.”
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End of Chapter

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End Note 1 : This is getting too heavy, the next chapter will be a Gaiden chapter -- gotta lighten it up.

End Note 2 :

Stewart, I. (reprint 1990). Does God Play Dice? The Mathematics of Chaos .

UK: Blackwell Publishers
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++++++++REVIEWER FEEDBACK ++++++++++

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Flamingolo 2004-10-20
New twists, new twists *cheers*. I especially liked the way you did Hakkai and Gojyo's thoughts; excellent job making it just 'like a car crash'. This ficcies is so wickedly funny...you had me giggling like an idiot with Gojyo's interspersed 'comments' to Kenren. Lovely job, nice mix of humor, sex, action, and gore. Three cheers for the gore *cheers again*. Ever eager for more!

Flamingolo -- I’m glad the “car crash” carried. Sometimes it is hard to tell if it is just in my head or if it is really coming through. Thanks for letting me know. I find it mildly off-setting that you are reviewing a torture chapter with the phrase “wickedly funny.” Makes me wanna call you a friend. LOL. Do the studios have any idea how deliciously twisted Saiyuki fans can be?
More? You want more? We can’t leave it like this --- that would be sacrilege! Sure there’s lots more. *grin*. Thank you for all your feedback. I always look forward to hearing what you have to say.
Cupnjava c[~]~~~*sip*
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Hakuryuu 2004-10-20
Oftentimes, I feel the best writing crosses a few lines. Yours trampled a few boundries. I am speechless... floored, and in awe. This was incredibly deep, psychologically thought out and really well organized into something that gave me the chills and still left me unable to look away. You used really nice syntax in the repitition and the importance of the inner personas... but oh goodness... that last part gave me absolute chills. I can't wait to read your next part but I know I'll be bawling through it. And, above all, you created another variable within the relationship that still keeps them in character. ...wow... forget studying tonight. Just... hoooo I need to take a breath. I might start bawling now.

On to your response to the review... jeez. Happy thoughts. I totally invision a bunch of us getting together at some con and getting into some incredibly deep conversation about the meaning of life through saiyuki and stuff... I already got into a mini one with my lit teacher who has no idea about Saiyuki... :) but whatever. I would love to do that... that'd be soooo much fun. Definately.

Good luck with the surgery and everything!

- Hakuryuu (gyu!)

Hakuryuu -- You sweet white dragon, you. I cried while writing parts of this fic. I kept saying, “No I don’t wanna. I will not be a part of this.” And yet -- here we are. I really feel I crossed a heavy line. A heavy, bold, glow-in-the-dark, scratch-n-sniff line. I figured the spikes under the nails would just make you shiver.
I cannot express my appreciation for your readership as I debuted on AFF and as I find my footing. Thank you , thank you so very much.
The meaning of life via Saiyuki --- and here I thought I was alone. I’d *LOVE* to meet you guys at a con. Too much fun for one weekend no doubt.
There is always room in any journey for a dragon.
Cupnjava c[~]~~~*sip*

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Lychee 2004-10-20
Ohmyfuckingod! "Complicated" indeed. So, while my husband and the rest of the east coast is screaming at the tv (game 7 Red Sox vs Yankees), I am at the computer trying to tune him out so I can focus on something important; devouring your fine story. And now I'm going to crawl off to bed and probably lie there obsessing over what just happened to my Kappa, and where it'll go from here. I see much angst in the future... I'll have to re-read some of the previous, more light hearted chappies to cheer myself up. In particular, I loved the bit in the jeep with the laughing fit from hell. I've been in the thralls of something like that before. I was quite nervous when I read your notes at the begining about how much is too much. But I gotta say, I think you did a hell of a job. I spent a lot of time twitching and wincing. It was descriptive enough to make me wince, but not so gory as to make me hurl. I can't say I "enjoyed" it, but you did a remarkable job. However, I will be glad when we can get back to the more pleasant love-making between Crimson and Emerald. Even when they're being kinky, smutty, and slutty they're still "making-love". Definately. Keep up the amazing work (bows to the author).

Lychee -- (bows back) I find myself in the same position as you. I want to just fast forward through all the healing and get them “there” get them back to the wonderful couple we know they are. Sigh. The process has to be walked and I’m so glad you are will me as we travel.
I had no intentions of letting this fic get this heavy. This was going to be a few short chapters of smut --- walking through the “sides of Hakkai” and then presto done. Yeah, the characters lied to me --- fooled me deeply.
I feel another addendum coming on --- just to lighten it a bit. Hmmmm, yes time to take that out of the brewer and on the table.
Cupnjava c[~]~~~*sip*
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Maetel 2004-10-22
Oh dear god... I almost started crying for poor Gojyo while reading that chapter. (Sign #1 that you are too into an anime series: You cry when the characters are tortured in fanfics.) As for the hardest part to write being the bunny part, I think that has to be because honestly, people lose themselves when writing violence because they disconnect themselves. When a person has to start thinking of what to say after writing violence makes the writer think back to just how they wrote the scene. Humans like to think that they are above violence, and when they get the chance to be violent, they look back and can't believe the horror.

Maetel -- Thank you for putting it back in perspective to me. You’re reasoning hit me at a time I really needed to hear it. I think you are dead-on accurate. I was detached while writing and researching it and then I was forced to reflect. *Shiver*.
If sign number #1 is that you are too into an anmie series is you cry when the characters are tortured in fanfics -- what does it mean when you are the one writing the fanfic?
Oh I feel I top 10 list starting.

Top 10 Signs That You are Addicted to Saiyuki (beta edition)

10) You drive by the jeep dealership and draft a letter to Perroit Studios asking for a “special edition” release of the famous vehicle.
9) You would buy that vehicle (in a heartbeat) when it was released and get personalized tags.
[yeah, I completely have my eye on a green jeep and found someone to airbrush a yin-yang symbol on the wheel cover]
8) You read and write fanfics. Look for fanart. Make and watch AMV’s. All the while your kitchen goes unused.
7) You watch each episode with the Japanese voice track and subtitles then watch it with the English track while running the subtitles so you feel as if you get the “whole story”.
6) You can quote dialog -- entire scenes! Entire episodes. Thus proving we know the characters better than the voice actors. You notice when the writers make continuity errors and you find symbolism when they didn’t mean to put it in there.
5) You find a multitude of Yaoi whispers -- that are just SO obvious until you find whispers of a conflicting pairing which are just as obvious and then you throw them all in bed together. Problem solved. LOL
4) You learn and use words like Yaoi , Yuri and a whole slew of other words that aren’t part of your first language.
3) Lemon, lime and citrus no longer have anything to do with plants --- and they NEVER WILL again.
2) You cry while writing fanfics.
1) You cry while reading fanfics and you leave messages on your friend’s voice mail:
“You bitch! You so suck. I can’t believe you did that to Gojyo. I’m coming over there and you better fix him. And fix him right!”
Don’t worry, PuffyMonkey didn’t break my fingers when she came over to tell me what she thought of “Red Velvet and Crimson Cries”. I love my friends (both IRL and cyber) --- of course --- I love the my friends and the readers on AFF -- a special bond formed through our mutual addictions.
Thank you for coming with me on this ride.
Cupnjava c[~]~~~ *sip*
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Shinigami_senpai 2004-10-24
Hey, since we're sharing TMI on a personal level...I own a copy of Soty of O! Love it! Excellent chap. I was so excited to see a new chapeter posted I've stayed up way past my bed time to read. Thank you thank you thank you. I too read at work. How else will I ever stay "on task"? Hope you're getting settled after the Big Move. Thanks for the great story and keep up the good work.

Shunigami_senpai -- I’m glad to know I’m not the only one losing sleep over this fic. Gods! Look at the time, I have to be up in 4 hours. Sheesh. LOL. Wanna know a secret? I have a notebook that zips closed and I write at work. If they only knew. LOL.
Make sure you protect that book, put it in a glass case and get that special gas to go around it. It will be very difficult to replace if anything happens to it. Too bad we all aren’t as connected as Tenpou.
The move -- I don’t even want to think about it. I still have slept in the new place!
Thank you for your words,
Cupnajva c[~]~~~ *sip*
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Addictedtomarbles 2004-10-24
Ack, I am a sick person. I found that chapter gripping and you were right about the car crash thing. I read it at work again on the e-mail and it gripped and made lots of spelling mistakes in my documents. It was graphic but you gave lots of warnings and it had me thinking about it as I trip-trapped to the coffee machine to calm down. It pushes the line just enoguh but makes the wounds healable, I think death and dismemberment is indeed my line. However it has one negative effect, I who am usually quite patient am now begging you to update, it's so sad. I want healing and Hakkai healing at that. Please please please. I know you're busy but think of our redhead suffering! It's made me hop skip and jump for the next installment. I have chocolate sugar cookies in my bag (new batch, orange and cinnamon) and can get some to you in less than a week. Pretty please

Addictedtomarbles -- You are sweet on so many levels. *smile*. I’m glad you like the car crash thing -- that was hard to write without screaming and slapping them. “No, don’t you see it!”
Hakkai healing --- of course --- had to make sure we could heal the kappa!
Hakkai did heal him right? Fully …right? But alas something still seems off in our Kappa…. Our beloved crimson topped man still seems a bit lost. Let’s hope all he needs is time and rest. Sigh. Something tells me all is not well.
*Yeah I know I’m totally evil*
I update as soon as I can --- don‘t want to just slap crap up on this board. *smile* Yes, dear you are patient and understanding and I appreciate it. This fic is important to me and my readers are important to me. What you guys and gals think really means something to me --- I take it to heart.
I PROMISE you I won’t let this be another unfinished fic on this board. Sometimes I want to e-mail the authors … “ok look I understand real life and all , but it’s been MONTHS upon MONTHS --- if you aren’t going to finish it can I?” There is one on this board I’m about three keystrokes away from contacting the author. Sigh… but that would be wrong.
More sweets! Wow you really don’t want me to keep the weight off… I’m not even at my goal yet…. Arrrggghhh temptation ---- gripping me ---- calling to me---- cookies …. cookies calling my name……
Acckkk!
Cupnjava c[~]~~~ *sip*
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Shinigami2278 2004-10-24
For some reason this chapter moved me, and I'm a big Gojyo fan, so what does that say about me. I figured I would respond to this chapter since you seemed to be really worried about it. It was good, most authors stay away from torture, for the reasons you stated. Sometimes it just needs to be written, and then to draw back on the Pavlov theory again was a nice touch. To write the emotions, inner thoughts and to keep the action going is hard to do. I'm really liking this story so far. The cliffhangers keep me comming back for more. Please update when you get the chance. I only wish, if I ever dabble into fanfiction, that I can do it as good as you.

Shinigami2278

Shinigami2278 --- Wow, what a compliment. I’ve sat here looking at my desk through the glow of the screen for 10 mintues trying to think of a way to thank you for that compliment. Wow. Words fail me -- they fall pitifully short.
I was nervous about this chapter. Ahh, hell, I AM nervous about this whole fic. I’m afraid I’m going to write a sucky chapter and my house of cards will fall. I’m scared that I won’t continue to entertain. I’m anxious over if I have written myself into a corner. And it makes me tremble to know that the characters won’t tell me how this is all going to work out! They talk to me and then they go quiet. Whispers slip into my ears as I try to go through my day and then … at night with my headphones on surrounded by the darkness of the room and the glow of the monitor.
I close my eyes -- listen and my fingers start to move. I finally hear them --- and this is what we get --- good, bad or indifferent.
*smile*
I’m looking forward to seeing your name on the board. There’s a story inside of you if you are considering writing. Listen and feel and I’m sure it will be wonderful.
Have faith in your creativity and don’t be too scared to fall -- goodness knows we’ve all done that.
Cupnjava c[~]~~~*sip*
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Shauna 2004-10-28
Arrrrg!!!! Cliffhangers are evil!!!! I can't wait until the next chapter. Please keep writing. Your fanfiction is so good!

Shauna --- A new voice! Thank you for reviewing. I didn’t realize it until I was reading the reviews, but “Red Velvet and Crimson Cries” is a cliffhanger. Honestly, it felt like a good natural ending to me….how could I have been so blind? Yes, cliffhangers are evil. Sorry about that.
I’m glad to know I have entertained or was that enraged… LOL … you.
Welcome to the ride,
Cupnjava c[~]~~~*sip*
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CloeyKujaku2004-11-05
I say we kill that damn Flaxen bitch! -Readys pitchfork and torch.- Ahahaha.

Yea Kougaiji! I hope Gojyo will forgive Hakkai! I was gaping throughout the whole chapter. And the little conversation between Kenren and Gojyo made me laugh my ass off. "Blablabla" "Yep." "Blablabla" "Yep." XD I love the general! He's such a little ass. But I really hate bimbo blonde lady. -Sniff.- Poor Gojyo-San. Yaone shall save him!

And the appearence of Nii! Yeaaaa! Nii is awesome! And Bunny!

Ah, only you can portray the Saiyuki boys so well in a fanfiction with yaoi and make it not UNBELIEVABLY OOC. If you ever stop writing this fiction, I will take it upon myself to hunt you down and force you to write. ^_^ And just as a joke, use the tactics Flaxen used! Giggu~.

But you better write more, or else you'll have a pissy fan knocking at your door! ^_~

Lovebites.- UPDATE SOON!
-Clojaku

Clojaku --- GULP… not …. Tools of Persuasion to finish the fic! No! Please not that! I PROMISE this fic will be finished. I have a commitment to you guys. All of you have honored me by reading and reviewing and I will not forget that. It will write -- no need to hook up with Flaxen. Giggle.
“Hope that Gojyo will forgive Hakkai” … interesting. You see it as Hakkai needing the forgiveness. That’s real interesting. Of the people that have contacted me a third think Hakkai needs to forgive Gojyo, another third thinks Gojyo needs to forgive Hakkai and a the final third think they both need to be slapped upside the head -- no one needs to forgive anyone and just talk out the misunderstanding --- honest communication fully and completely with no hidden words. Hmmmm. The jury is still out I see.
Which third is right? Or are all of them right?
We shall see… we shall see….
Thank you for complimenting my characterizations. It is difficult to write yaoi and keep it from getting too far OOC. Face it, ya know, there is an element of OOC just because it is yaoi --- but I try to make it believable. The characters are what we love in his enigma known as Saiyuki. If you break the characters or heal their cannon angst then they are not the men we know and love. It is indeed a bumpy ride.
Thank you for reviewing --- and please at least leave my hands intact so I can type. Giggle.
Cupnjava c[~]~~~*sip*
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Sorchafyre 2004-11-07
I thought you had a good balance in this chapter. From the warnings, I was afraid of some Auswitch style torture, but what you chose to use was... traditional? Can one use the term 'tasteful torture' without sounding like a complete wacko? You conveyed the depth of the horror, without getting too graphic or outre, as I said a nice balance on the correct side of the line, at least for me.

Gojyo's fear-based reaction to Hakkai's overture was nicely realistic, as was their individual thoughts leading up to it. The whole bar scene was wonderful, especially the looking up half-expecting it to be Hakkai every time someone walked in the door. You were incredibly accurate conveying his mental state, convincing himself he was angry, but secretly wishing to be rescued. Nicely written.

I must admit, I didn't get why Gojyo was trying to connect Hakkai with his pain, it was obvious to me where it was going to end up. It wasn't until I got to the 'safe harbor' line that I had an inkling of what he was attempting to do. That was confusing, even though Kneren 'understood' I would have been happier had it been spelled out a bit more. I knew a few lines in that he was going to have that automatic association between Hakkai and pain/fear, but I like the sentence you used "an inverse of Hakkai's association, although thankfully not as intense" or something like that, I forgot to write it down before I started this review. That was nice phrasing.

I've very much enjoyed this story, and look forward to seeing where you're going with it.

Sorchafyre--- Wow, what an insightful review. Thank you for taking the time to write it and letting me know what you think.
I may have “over warned” “Red Velvet and Crimson Cries“. I didn’t want anyone blind-sided by what they may not want to read. I erred on the side of caution. I believe it is better to make a “type A error” as opposed to a “type B error“. It is hard to find a balance between warning and over-warning.
I hoped the bar scene would hit home with readers. I suppose we’ve all been hurt and upset --- and yet couldn’t get ourselves to take that first step. Sometimes we just need someone to reach out to us. Make us take that first step. I’m glad that worked well for you.
I wondered if the chanting thing with Kenren was too cryptic. I tried to create narrative that would make it more clear, but it always seems to upset the flow of the chapter and action.
So, let me take a moment now. It’s like the saying “A drowning man clutches at a straw.” Gojyo was reaching out for anything that would separate him from what was happening. He was drawing upon the kinky games ( the D/s games) he and Hakkai had played before to distance himself from the reality. Because if this was Hakkai then he wouldn’t really be hurt or be killed --- it would just be a GAME -- a game followed by tenderness. Hakkai wouldn’t actually hurt him. A twisted mental game brought to us via Kenren and Gojyo.
In my mind, Kenren did the same thing when he was being interrogated. However, Kenren was a god; therefore, he could take a lot more (hence the more “active” nature of his and Tenpou’s “foreplay”) than what the non-divine being of Gojyo can take. Kenren did not see this coming.
Simply put, Gojyo was going for a strong place of comfort.
This is a common tactic of abused children. Given Gojyo’s history in the anime and the added history in this fic -- he’s very good at this type detachment. Now, we see he is too good at it. It bit him hard.
I hope I clarified that for you.
You saw it coming huh? Man, I gave it away before I wanted to give it away. Sorry about that. I tend to either be to cryptic or too revealing -- I’m trying to find that sweet spot of balance. I’m still working on it and I’ll pay even more special attention to it now that you have brought it out.
Thank you for reading my fic and reviewing. I hope you continue to enjoy this fic.
Cupnjava c[~]~~~*sip*
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