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Learning to Land	By : Suteishichic Category: Prince of Tennis/Tennis no Ohjisama > General Views: 11419 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Prince of Tennis (Tennis no Ohjisama), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Learning to Land by Suteishichic. Chapter One Hundred One ~Shishido~
Warnings: Yaoi, Love, Angst, Fluff, and Lots of Sex. Some kink. You've been warned ;)
Disclaimer: Nope not mine. Still in my dreams. ;)
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"Lay down on the bed, baby." Shishido added so it didn't seem like an order, "Please?" He took Choutarou by the hand and helped him. Adorably and almost automatically Choutarou switched hands to try to cover up his large erection. Tried and failed, but his blushing over it was so damn cute.
Shishido tried to think of some way to quickly relax and reassure the shy freshman without being too obvious. He thought how easy girls were. With a girl all Shishido had to say to one who seemed shy or hesitant was she was pretty or had a nice body. Next thing he knew the girl would be all over him and willing to do whatever he wanted. Hell, most of the time he was the one trying to slow the girl down. One of Gakuto's more common jabs was how bored Shishido must be with all the girls. The little redheaded bastard would comment whenever he had a chance that all Shishido had to do was, "give one crooked smile and a flip of his hair and a girl will be on her back with her legs in the air faster than a hot knife cuts through butter..."
The only way to shut the little computer dork up when he got on this subject was to point out to Gakuto how he was just jealous, but the damage once again would already be done. It wasn't that the guys always laughed. It wasn't even how Atobe looked for a moment annoyed every time or how Choutarou always looked in pain while everyone laughed like it was the first time they heard this rather than the ten millionth. No. The girls on their back joke hit too close to home to be in any way funny to Shishido. It was close to true, but not in a ha ha funny way. Not when you understood what Gakuto was really saying.
Shishido wasn't stupid no matter how many times the little shrimp called him that. He knew the girls offered little challenge, but whatever, it didn't matter because in his heart, Shishido knew it wasn't really him, or Gakuto, or even any of the other Hyoutei regular or sub-regular guys the girls were after. Not the majority of the girls they knew anyway. Hyoutei girls weren't actually looking for love or a guy's heart. No matter how real it seemed at the time, or what they promised, the girls did not have true intentions. Their feelings were not real. None of it was.
On the surface, an outsider looking in might just think it was normal teenage love and sex going on, but at Hyoutei looks were always deceiving. A pretty smile usually was hiding a smirk or a scowl. Romantic words were said and promises were made without an iota of feeling or intention behind them. Vows were exchanged in the heat of the moment and conveniently forgotten the next day.
The guys laughed because everyone knew how much it sucked, but there was nothing a guy could do except try to enjoy the few perks he had. You had to try to enjoy the sex at the time, but know to not get too attached because it's not you a girl really wants or loves or even likes. Only another guy who was a sub-regular or regular in the tennis club like Shishido could really understand. Only another guy who had everything -- status, popularity, power -- and still he found himself skilfully played by the girls enough times would know. Only someone else who had on the surface everything a girl would want could know the horrible realization the girl you're dating and like, her feelings for you aren't real at all.
More than anything, Shishido didn't want Choutarou to know or experience any of this.
Choutarou was not just a challenge for Shishido. Yeah, it was intriguing that the freshman was not about to let his big brother touch him wherever he wanted just because Shishido gave a few complements to the shy freshman. No way. Choutarou was even more than a worthy, lofty goal simply because he was real. Amazingly real and pure. Choutarou wanted Shishido for no other reason but he felt something for his senpai. A real person like Choutarou having feelings for someone like Shishido at a place like Hyoutei -- Shishido considered it as damn near a miracle as he was ever going to get.
And even more miraculous, Shishido sensed Choutarou's feelings for him were real and true. There were no benefits Choutarou would receive for falling for him. He wouldn't impress anyone with how cool he was because he might be gay or bi -- that had been happening lately with all the girls squealing over some actor who recently came out of the closet. The girls might squeal over someone famous, but they wanted the guys at Hyoutei -- especially more popular ones like him and Atobe to be straight. When they were together, the girls offered both Shishido and Atobe if they were up for tons of threesomes and orgies. It had nothing to do with sex or really liking either of them. It was simply opportunistic girls trying to split them apart and hoping to gain favor of one or both of them in the exchange. Or girls hoping to get gossip on them and gain an advantage that way. Without ever talking about it, he and Atobe laughed and told the girls they were being ridiculous. No way would either of them sleep with another guy. They insisted they were just good friends. Surprisingly, their each saying no and denying anything was going on only made the offers increase. Even after they were over. Girls and guys approached them separately and together promising them anything -- just for a little bit of power and momentary school status.
It annoyed Atobe, but it sickened Shishido. After a while, after Atobe, he sort of stopped dating. All he was getting were offers that were about him and Atobe being together or not being together more than people having real feelings for him, and it just hurt too much to think about.
Choutarou wasn't a common tennis club member who slyly hoped that by sleeping with Shishido he could improve his status and move up early. He wasn't some guy without money or a name looking to gain favor by stealing away what Atobe wanted to maybe trade Shishido back to the Vice-Captain for reward. He wasn't a conniving girl trying to get close to Shishido to gain popularity or status or power or anything else. He simply seemed to want Shishido's heart.
Just his heart.
This changed everything. It made Shishido want, will, and wish the freshman would fall for him in a way that was lasting, real, and tangible...and it made him want to protect Choutarou fiercely.
Yes, on one hand Shishido felt bad because two men being together would mean Choutarou would give up a lot of things -- they both would. He'd worried over this already to himself, but Shishido decided before they ever kissed that he was willing to try to make up for anything Choutarou might miss out on.
Shishido considered all of this long and hard. He even calmly assessed what he himself would gain and lose here, and even though his stupid piece of crap laptop rebooted itself and he lost the list before he could save or finish it, Shishido already knew this was worth it. He decided no matter what happened, he would give Choutarou whatever he had and do whatever he could to just to make this work -- whatever it took to make Choutarou happy. And that started right now with him making the freshman feel relaxed and comfortable -- before pleasing the hell out of him in ways the naive guy hopefully didn't yet know existed.
Shishido smiled at the thought. He let go of Choutarou's hand just before he stretched out alongside him. He lay on his side and propped his head up in his left hand to look at him. Shishido slid his right hand along the perfectly toned muscles of Choutarou's chest. He liked the way his own long hair spilled dark and soft over across Choutarou's pale shoulder when they lay together. Choutarou had a perfect tennis tan. He had tan hands and arms until the center of his biceps. Where their tennis jersey shirt fell there was a solid line. Above the line, the freshman had almost porcelain white skin.
It was surprisingly attractive. Warm, soft, pale skin tight over solid, hard muscle. Now that he was looking so closely, Shishido thought to himself Choutarou had nice nipples too. Girls would be jealous if they saw because they were the perfect pink color and size. Plus for some reason, they always seemed partially hard. Very kissable. In fact, unable to resist, Shishido moved in closer for a taste. He sucked and kissed on the one nearest him, bringing it to full hardness in his mouth.
Choutarou tensed up when Shishido first licked and kissed his chest, but after a moment he felt the freshman relax. Shishido moved to give some attention to Choutarou's poor other neglected nipple. When Choutarou sighed in one of his little turned on noises, Shishido looked up and smiled at him. He noticed for the first time how long Choutarou's eyelashes were. Long and a darker brown, about the color of Choutarou's eyebrows but their tips were bleached blond by the sun. He was so cute.
His little brother was probably thinking Shishido had mistaken him for a girl by licking at his nipple, but then Choutarou must have discovered it felt good to be kissed there. His nipples hardened like a fist each time Shishido touched one with a finger or his tongue, and Choutarou sighed in one of those little hot noises. His hard nipples were so pink and perfect that idly Shishido wondered where else on the freshman's body he might find this pleasingly pink color. Just the thought brought Shishido's erection completely back to life. Not that he'd gone completely soft. Not while touching Choutarou and laying this close to him.
Shishido paused a moment to feel the freshman's heart beating beneath the palm of his hand, like a warm, strong affirmation. Wanting to explore and maybe teach the freshman more new things that felt really good, Shishido began sliding his hand down lower.
"B...but Shishido-san?" The freshman seemed to hesitate as Shishido's hand moved down his cut stomach. All their long hours of practice gave Choutarou an enviable six pack there. Different from the way Shishido was more naturally cut, but nice. Sliding lower to the V shaped muscles of his lower abdomen, Shishido attempted to move Choutarou's hand away or at least replace it with his own. Choutarou suggested brightly, "It's just you...you said we could do it together, Shi...Shishido-senpai?" The freshman looked very hopeful and adorably flushed with a strange, beguiling combination of bashful innocence mixed with being completely turned. It was something only Choutarou could honestly pull off.
Shishido didn't want to force Choutarou or make him feel uncomfortable so he stopped trying to pull the freshman's hand away. Instead he reached up to gently stroke a fingertip over Choutarou's kiss-swollen red lips, tracing their supple outline.
Choutarou's gaze moved to Shishido's face. The freshman had this naked expression that looked somewhere between intense interest in what they were doing, personal embarrassment of Shishido seeing him naked, and complete adoration of his senpai. In many ways, he seemed almost surprised Shishido was even there with him. Almost like Choutarou still worried this all might just be a very good dream or fantasy that could disappear at any moment.
Shishido absently half-smiled at how very perfect and beautiful his little brother really was, "Mmhmm...we will. Together. Don't worry. I just want to touch my little brother a moment first. I love your mouth, baby. I love how you kiss..." Shishido drew his thumb across the seam of Choutarou's mouth and the freshman surprisingly licked and sucked at it.
Choutarou closed his eyes and practically growled a little noise of wanton lust. Such a quiet sound, but he was trying to make more noise at least. He was expressing he was very turned on and enjoying this, and all just from Shishido's thumb. Damn, that was hot.
Shishido smiled more and dropped his head to his arm to purr into Choutarou's ear, "Mnnn...see how sexy you are? I love it when you do hot things like that, baby."
"S...sexy? Hot?" Choutarou stammered and gave a small laugh that sounded self-mocking, "Ha ha. M...me? Sexy? I'm not sexy Shishido-senpai, but you are so..."
Shishido silenced whatever Choutarou was going to say with a kiss. It was annoying how the freshman couldn't see himself for the amazing and desirable person he was. Still, Shishido decided he should count it as a blessing. If Choutarou ever did learn just how hot, sexy, and adorable he was, he'd be a total monster to live with and love. The other side of Shishido's mouth turned up into a full smile as he thought how ironic it would be to witness his little brother become the next Atobe. Well, Shishido'd make damn sure that never happened, although with Choutarou there was no way in hell it would. No way. Choutarou was just too damn cute and lovable and trusting. He was amazing. And he kissed so damn good...
Still smiling and suddenly inspired, Shishido moved to kiss him. He slid his tongue in a slow lick across Choutarou's lips. He ran it between them and felt along the front of the freshman's strong, white teeth before seeking out Choutarou's tongue with his own. Shishido held Choutarou's face steady in his palm while he kissed and played with the freshman's mouth. He was fun to kiss around with and tease because Choutarou responded quickly and so enthusiastically to everything Shishido did. It was like when he taught Choutarou the information he needed to know to pass the upcoming initiation ceremony. Choutarou's quick mind was like a sponge soaking up everything he experienced. He was so willing to learn and anxious to please.
While trying to keep Choutarou concentrated on their kissing, slowly Shishido moved his hand along the freshman's cheek. He traced his cheekbone, along his jaw, and down his throat pausing to run his thumb across the hollow. Shishido was trying to memorize his lover's features with his hand. He trailed his hand over the freshman's strong chest and again down his stomach as they kissed even deeper. Shishido tried to relax away any last traces of tension or worry and he kept at it until Choutarou slid one arm slowly, almost hesitantly, around Shishido's back.
Shishido took the opportunity to touch his little brother almost everywhere while they kissed. After several minutes, he was rewarded when Choutarou finally relaxed enough to embrace Shishido tenderly. The freshman gave a soft little sigh of pleasure, or maybe it was Shishido. Sometimes he couldn't tell when they were this close and touching. It all felt so damn good that Shishido found he really didn't care.
The problem basically was Shishido didn't know exactly what to do next. Really, he wanted to do everything and feel everything with Choutarou, but he didn't want to push or rush them. He wasn't sure what sex things Choutarou experienced with his best friend. Shishido was jealous enough without asking details or thinking too much about it. It was better he figured to just let things go naturally along rather than worry or wonder about what Choutarou did or didn't do or hadn't done or wanted to do.
They were both guys and that meant they didn't need to sit around and talk about their feelings or other annoying things like that. Shishido knew from his many experiences with girls, those kinds of conversations were uncomfortable at best. Plus, Shishido didn't want to talk about things like this because even mentioning or asking might pressure the shy freshman. He knew his little brother well enough by now to know Choutarou had this need to please thing going on. At least, the freshman always seemed to do this when it came to Shishido. What that meant was Shishido had to take extra care to make certain Choutarou was really ready for whatever they did instead of Choutarou going along with what he might think Shishido wanted. It was a huge responsibility and more than slightly confusing during heated moments like this.
Shishido felt sure though that he could handle this -- especially when it came to his feelings for his little brother. He would be lying if he said he didn't want to have sex with Ohtori right here and now, but sex wasn't worth hurting Choutarou. Shishido could wait and honestly, he thought it was best if they waited. Waiting would make it sweeter and mean even more. What Shishido ultimately wanted was for them to really be together, in that dopey soul-mates kind of a way.
Feeling this way was new for Shishido. Before Choutarou, whenever a girl asked if Shishido believed in this kind of stuff he would have told her no way. It sounded like a myth. His parents were happy like that, but going to Hyoutei and seeing how frequently most of his classmates and hell, how often most of his classmates' parents changed partners, divorced, and cheated left him doubtful at best. He'd always told anyone who asked that true love seemed like a lie. Shishido figured his parents struck it lucky in a winning a lottery kind of way, but he never before thought he would have feelings like this for someone. He never thought he would meet anyone that he felt closer to than even his immediate family. He never thought there would be someone for him that he couldn't imagine a day going by where they wouldn't once talk together, or laugh, or touch, or kiss.
His cynicism when it came to love at Hyoutei, especially regarding his own love life, made Shishido unusually passive when it came to picking his partners. In the past, whoever had an interest in Shishido first and was cute ended up being Shishido's latest crush. Liking someone was reciprocal for Shishido because he never thought it would last anyway. Usually this wasn't a problem because there were many hot girls at Hyoutei and plenty of them seemed interested in him.
It wasn't planned, but Shishido also passively pursued people who liked him first. A girl would confess to him and if he was interested enough back they would date. Most of the time he let her do the actual pursuing and date planning. The person who liked him always set the pace, and this meant that if things changed, she could just stop calling him. He never had to worry that way. Shishido was content to just go along with whatever happened. Usually, after a few days or weeks of dating someone, he could take or leave them. Hell, half the time he really did get their names mixed up because most of the girls at Hyoutei seemed to be carbon copies of each other. Sure, some were taller, shorter, thinner, prettier, wealthier, or whatever, but the simple fact was when he got to know each one a little bit better, not one of them had even a little of the spark that made Choutarou so unique, special, interesting, and...beautiful.
His next idea was to stop dating people who confessed to him. Shishido started hanging out with girls who seemed cool. Ones who seemed like they just wanted to be friends. This backfired on him too. Just like guys who weren't in the tennis club that he hung around with, each one eventually either confessed to him or suggested they have sex.
Shishido wasn't completely stupid. He knew the girls who were interested in him pushed for sex right away to create some kind of deeper bond between them, but usually the opposite happened. Instead of feeling closer after sex, all Shishido wanted to do was pull very far back and get some space. Some perspective. He found when he pulled away that he didn't feel into the girl after all, and the more a girl insisted she loved him, the more it turned him off. The more she pushed, the more flaws he saw in her and in her fake feelings for him. He often wished he waited longer to have sex with a girl he went out with.
Shishido didn't regret the sex -- mostly because it was done and there was nothing he could do. It was fun at the time, but Shishido often had a feeling that things might have been different if he and the girl waited. Maybe then they could have really gotten to know each other better and build things up for real. Maybe he would learn what someone was interested in him for if he had the time to think it over instead of the mad rush that was love and lust at Hyoutei. Or even better, if he found he didn't like her much and didn't want to have sex, he and the girl could have had a much cleaner breakup. Maybe they could have ended things as friends. He didn't know. What he did know was he wouldn't have felt guilty and the girls wouldn't have been able to accuse him after sex of using them.
It was annoying as hell and still they said it. He didn't use them. Honest, he didn't. While Shishido was cynical about love, he wanted it. He imagined it as a possibility and always hoped it happened. Yet time after time after sex or a breakup, Shishido had to point out to some girl that she was the one who hit on him first. She was the one who insisted that it would be fun if they had sex. Or she was the one who told him she just wanted a friendship with him, sex didn't matter, and sex was no big deal. Or she was the one who said she wanted to have sex with him just once and it would be fun. Every time, the girls would insist before having sex that all they were looking for was only friendship and fun, but after sex actually happened, they would confess feelings of love to Shishido. Love! When he barely knew her! Shishido always ended up feeling betrayed and lied to and yet somehow he always wound up looking like the bad guy when the girl ran crying to her friends.
And really, it wasn't his fault. He heard the other sub-regulars talk about this enough to know this wasn't just happening to him. The girls weren't hot for you just because they liked you or wanted you to be their boyfriend. Not at Hyoutei. Dating a sub-regular guy gave a girl instant status and popularity. Date a guy with enough status and power and that rubbed off on you. Most of the girls at their school would give anything to be Naomi and be Atobe's little sister. Hell, they probably thought a sharing was a wonderful idea when it completely disgusted Shishido. Being with a sub-reg or a regular meant you had access to power and status like you'd never imagined before. Shishido's shy little sister won vice president of their class and she didn't even campaign. It was just because of her relationship to him even though he barely spoke to her. Hell, there was an entire elite dining room table filled with cheerleaders and girls who were all either dating or sleeping with a sub-regular. The girls who were dating the regulars were even more powerful. They refused to sit by or associate with the sub-reg girlfriends. They had a separate table of their own and you had to be very in to be invited. These girls who sat with each other, they were all supposedly good friends, but if a couple broke up, a girl found herself suddenly left out and not even invited to eat with the same people who seemed to be her best friends just a day before.
Some girls would and did do anything for their status -- even if it meant dating or sleeping with a guy they weren't into. Shishido knew this happened, and he knew now to ask questions when a girl suddenly seemed really into him. Hell, he could never tell what the heck a girl wanted most of the time anyway. Shishido found girls at Hyoutei lied about a lot of things. They knew to be cute and polite to your face and then very different behind your back. Reputation mattered. Who you were with was as important as who you were, what you wore, and what your family name was. The girls who said fooling around was just fun and sex didn't mean anything -- they lied. The ones who said they just wanted to be friends -- they lied. And the ones who said they really liked you or even loved you when they didn't know you, they were all lying too.
Hyoutei girls were smart and cunning. They did what they needed to do to get whatever it was they wanted. Shishido was a good guy, but even the greatest guy can be tempted. Most of the time the girls who confessed to him or were his friends pushed for full-on sex right away. Whatever he wanted to do they usually said and suggested things he'd not thought up even in his wildest fantasies. Sure, in the past Shishido would want to have sex with the hot girl all over him who was swearing she loved him. He was only human. It felt good at the time, and a girl all over you saying it was just sex and for fun and tempting him battled against that little voice in the back of his mind saying he should wait until they were more of a couple or until things were real.
Being real was very important to Shishido. It was a rare thing to find anyone real at Hyoutei. Shishido knew real things took time -- if they ever happened at all. So when the girls pushed, he would always try to slow them down and suggest they wait. Many of them would say things like they loved Shishido, or they would agree to wait, but then the next time they were alone with him they would try again. Or some would just push for sex just as friends.
The more he said no, let's wait, or let's do other things, the more a girl would get angry or upset. They would sometimes ask him what his problem was. They would ask him if he didn't want to because he didn't like them or something. If he thought they weren't pretty. If he was into some other girl or maybe even gay and into guys. More than one asked if he wanted to sleep with them and their best girlfriend. Or even sometimes their closest guy friend. Strange combinations that he knew no one who really liked him would suggest.
When Shishido rejected these offers and asked what the hell were they thinking? They would shrug and say it was just for fun. As if they wondered what his problem was.
It was confusing and there was a lot of pressure. If they didn't have sex that night, Shishido knew the relationship wouldn't make it through the next day, and was that what he wanted? It would not only be over, but the girl would cry to her friends and say how mean he was. How he lead her on. How he didn't like her. How he must secretly like someone else. They would whisper how he must not be into girls because she was so pretty. They would say in low tones how horrible he was because he tried to fool her. How he was a heartless bastard. For days there would be gossip and rumors and tons of speculation everywhere about the relationship, how it ended, and who it was Shishido really wanted.
At first to try to fix this, Shishido would have sex and fool around with a girl if she really pushed him to. Hell, this was before Atobe, and he hated to see a girl beg or cry. Shishido always felt weird saying no when a girl insisted she wanted to have sex -- like he wasn't supposed to say no or something because he was a guy. The truth was Shishido hated to be forced to do anything -- even to have sex. Many times he had sex with a girl and that was exactly how he felt -- like he had to go through with it even if he didn't want to or didn't think it was a good idea because it would have been weird or cause problems if he didn't. It felt like a guy was supposed to have sex with any girl who liked them no matter what -- unless they were into some other girl, couldn't get it up, or gay.
Going ahead, the sex wasn't horrible or anything. Shishido usually thought the during parts of sex were okay -- especially if he wasn't close to passing out, or the girl liked to kiss. After sex was a very different story. He wanted space and he found he didn't respect the girl much after -- or himself. He never felt anything close to love after having sex and the girls always acted like the sex and being with him didn't matter very much. Like it was something they did and now their job was done so they wanted some kind of reward.
It made Shishido feel used for status and that made him feel worthless. He would go from feeling intense like for a girl to after sex feeling defeated and let down. Shishido always wondered after sex if his feelings for the girl had been real at all or if they were just lust. Most of the time he figured they were a combination of normal teenage hormones and this uncomfortable feeling he had where guys weren't supposed to turn down what seemed like freely offered sex. At least not "normal guys" anyway.
Shishido knew himself by now. Although he'd had a lot of it, the truth deep down was he didn't like casual sex. It was fun for a moment but empty long after. He always felt very alone after, probably because there was no one around he could talk these things over with. He knew people called him a loner, but really the only times since he arrived at Hyoutei when Shishido ever felt alone was after his brother left, after he and Atobe were over, and after he had empty sex with a girl. Shishido wanted more and needed to feel more than casual sex offered.
And he already knew he had stronger feelings for Choutarou than intense like, so he really worried about feeling let down and disappointed if they went too far too fast. Choutarou wouldn't use him, he was positive of that, but what if after they fooled around like this if Choutarou decided he didn't have feelings for Shishido anymore. Choutarou wouldn't know how to tell him he wasn't interested or had regrets and so Shishido figured the freshman would try to avoid him. Damn, just thinking about that hurt.
But what if the opposite happened? What if Choutarou wanted to spend all their time together and was all clingy like a freshman girl? Shishido worried about his own need for space after sex or intense fooling around. Choutarou might not understand if he pulled away even just a little, and Shishido didn't know how to explain if the freshman asked him why or tried to crowd him. Hell, half the time Shishido didn't realize he was pulling away or avoiding a clingy girl until she hunted him down and told him -- usually in shrill tones screaming down a crowded hallway, letting everyone know what a bastard he was.
Shishido thought to himself in secret that when you really liked someone -- or loved them, it shouldn't be like that. Ideally, a good relationship should feel like a long game of serve and volley with someone who was at your exact skill level. There should be balance and space and you should laugh while you admired your partner's skills. You should be able to use the whole court and really enjoy playing. It should feel effortless even if you're working hard. The goal should be more to keep playing and enjoying it rather than to win a point or the match. You should feel challenged and happy just to be there, but want more and more. Sort of like the way he really wanted to play against Choutarou and face his amazing serve. Shishido just knew they would both play their best and it wouldn't matter who won. They would both be better for the match.
When he had "played" with other people, it felt like Shishido had never been able to get the balance and timing down just right. Or maybe their skill levels just never matched up. Sort of like the ball was always hit outside of the court instead of remaining in play. Or like they were playing some other game with completely different rules. Rules he didn't understand or want to learn. The girls in his past always seemed hurt at the end while he had always found he felt let down, confused, and annoyed.
Even worse was how both he and Atobe seemed to play exactly the same against each other instead of with each other. They both seemed to withdraw instead of growing any closer. They really hurt each other. Shishido hated how he and Atobe would constantly seem to move back and forth never but really progress into any place that felt secure or loving. Hell, back when he was with Atobe, he never felt happy or safe. More than anything Shishido really didn't want Choutarou to feel any of that.
All you could do was try to be smart. He and the other regular and sub-regular guys tended to steer very clear of any girls on the rebound because you didn't want to anger any of the other guys on the team or your senpais. The sub-regs tended to look out for each other when it came to the girls. They had to constantly fend off the girls who would resort to sleeping with anyone to get their status back -- even some who in a predatory way went after the hulking and sweetly slow freshman Kabaji. There was no way Shishido would let one of the manipulative, catty girls target his Choutarou. He figured that was the least he could do as Choutarou's big brother. As more than just a big brother, as a lover, Shishido jealously wanted to keep his little brother safe and to himself.
To his surprise, Shishido thought it was nice to be the one to pick the person he liked first. It was fun to plan their first date and pace their speed. The only annoying thing was trying to make everything perfect. Shishido wanted to choose things that Choutarou not only would love, but also things that would naturally progress them to that really together place.
Now that Shishido had found someone he felt so much for, he didn't want to lose him. He worried about it. There was an old Hyoutei saying--if you fall in love fast, you'll fall out of love even faster. Many times when Shishido was with a girl and things moved too quickly, he found the saying to be true. Girls at Hyoutei all seemed to say things like I want you and I love you so easily, and he was never was sure why. Shishido never said things like that because they weren't the kind of things you could take back. He would have only said them if he meant them -- and if he meant them in a forever kind of way. Words and vows did not come easy for him.
He worried so much about this, Shishido was trying to be careful to only say words like I want you and I like you to Choutarou. Shishido didn't want to scare Choutarou off and at the same time, he didn't want Choutarou to mirror the words back until the freshman was positive he felt the same way. There was nothing worse to Shishido than someone seeming to love you and falling out of love or it not being real. He worried about Choutarou staying with his best friend for so long. Choutarou said he loved his best friend, but he wasn't in love with him. And still he stayed. Shishido didn't know if Choutarou stayed because his friend was sick and dying or if the freshman was just unable to find the courage and the words to tell his best friend he only wanted to be friends. Shishido had a lot of questions he couldn't even ask, but he figured they would eventually all be answered if they just took things slow.
There was a difference between love and being in love, Shishido acutely felt that. In the deepest most needy areas of his heart he knew he felt both for Choutarou, and he wanted so very much for Choutarou to feel both back. Someday when he told Choutarou he loved him, Shishido already decided that it would be special. He didn't know exactly what or how, but it would be. Choutarou deserved no less.
It was a big deal also because Shishido hadn't ever done this or felt anything like this before. Shishido was nervous and worried, but being around Choutarou just magically seemed to ease his concerns. He decided he wasn't going to stress about it. He would just wait and take his time and let things take their natural path. And yeah, Shishido wasn't sure when the right time would be or what was the right way to go about telling someone you loved them was, but he had been confessed to enough times to that he guessed he knew a bad one from a good one. Hell, he figured when it was the perfect time, the right words to say would just come to him.
Shishido wasn't used to wanting things because he always expected to be disappointed. He'd always been let down before, so it was rare for him to get any hope up. For the first time in a very long time, his hopes were not only up, they were sky-high. If Atobe ever found out, he would die laughing at Shishido. And yet, Shishido felt happy enough to think of the possibilities of he and Choutarou in a permanent, long-term kind of way and he wanted them. More than he could remember wanting anything. So while all this beginning stuff was sweet, at the same time it was incredibly frustrating because Shishido could feel where they were capable of going together. It was just close enough to be tantalizing and far enough away to be scary at the same time. Shishido could not imagine how it would feel if they didn't work out, and he was afraid to really do anything because he didn't want to jinx anything.
That was sort of the problem, Shishido wanted more -- and not just more of the sex stuff. While all of this getting to know you kind of thing was fun, Shishido longed for how he could see things might someday be between them. He wanted a relationship that was solid, loving, and trusting. He wanted Choutarou to feel he could count on Shishido for anything -- affection, security, stability, and more. In return Shishido wanted the freshman to maybe give him back whatever he was capable of -- even a little love or like would be nice. And maybe a little of the security. Shishido felt this was fair.
Yes, he knew it was a lot to ask someone especially with how young they were, but Shishido felt more than ready to give one person that much and that sort of love. This one person. That kind of love. This one chance.
Shishido was slightly superstitious as all the other good tennis players were -- even if no one talked about it. Their captain during matches wore a little of his grandfather's stinky cologne. The bottle was so old the contents were mostly crystallized, but his grandfather had been a national champion in his day -- and brought Hyoutei to nationals both years he was a Vice-captain and Captain. The other players had superstitions too. Atobe snapped his fingers and riled the crowd up to put himself in the right frame of mind to win. Gakuto ran up walls--literally before a match he ran up the side of a wall and back-flipped over and over until everyone got nauseous watching him spin. Oshitari made little witty sarcastic remarks to anyone unfortunate enough to be standing near him before he played. Taki sang some stupid little song quietly to himself. Kabaji wore the same clothes he last played Atobe in without washing them.
Everyone had something they did or didn't do before a big game and yeah, some of them used the same things in real life when they had something they a goal. He'd heard Taki sing that song under his breath before a big exam. Jiroh had Atobe listen to him before he had to give an oral report because he said he got nervous speaking in front of his class. He said if he could read his report to Atobe he could do it to anyone -- Atobe made him feel confident.
For Shishido it was a little different. He had his racket and it wasn't like he could walk around with it everywhere or bring it on a date without looking insane. His first coach and teacher gave it to him when he was just barely up and walking around after the last time he was sick in the hospital. In fact, his first coach made it by hand just for Shishido, and he felt it kept him out of the hospital and healthy all this time. It was perfect. Okay, it was a little too small, but it was perfectly balanced so Shishido adapted and compensated. Shishido was as familiar with his wooden racket as he was with his own hand. It felt like a part of him -- he intimately knew and felt every groove and scratch personally. He could balance the end of it on his index finger because it was just that well made. He took great care with it because a great person believed in him and had taken the time to make it for him.
It was so perfect it was almost magic, and certainly lucky. It changed his life and brought him to where he was with a great team and friends. In fact, he even mused to himself that it even brought him Choutarou in a way, but sadly it couldn't carry him through this. It wasn't like Shishido could wish on it to keep Choutarou safe and them together. Okay, so he would never tell anyone, but he had wished on it to do exactly that. Shishido figured it couldn't hurt. Even though he had a nightmare where it was ruined, he wished on it every time silently to himself before he took it out of his bag and then again when he put it away. This just meant that much to him, but he wasn't seeing any changes so he was just going to have to find his way -- their way -- through everything on his own.
Shishido cursed in his head and remembered their Coach saying something about how the simplest way was often the best and the most overlooked. Sensei knew an amazing number of sayings and wise things. Maybe he should just try to find a way to ask Choutarou what he wanted to do and how he wanted to come. He still hadn't and Shishido didn't want to kill him or have him think fooling around together was a painful thing.
Choutarou sighed again into Shishido's mouth distracting him. He had been kissing the freshman the entire time he thought things over, and Shishido pretty much decided to just see where Choutarou wanted to go. He would for now let the freshman lead. After being pressured by so many girls and then by Atobe, it was hard for Shishido to let go and relinquish control, but he decided it had to be done. If Choutarou tried to go too far too fast, Shishido decided his job as the freshman's boyfriend to slow them down and pace them for a long match. As long as Choutarou was feeling happy and into him, Shishido decided he really couldn't ask for another thing...but maybe the simplest way to see what the freshman wanted to do would be to ask.
Shishido pulled back slightly from their kiss and was happy when Choutarou's lips followed seeking his out for a moment. Until the freshman realized Shishido was stopping and then he blinked his big brown eyes which were glazed over with lust. Choutarou blushed slightly and laughed in that cute giggle he had. His turned on flush that just affected his cheeks was very different from an embarrassed blush which covered his whole face.
The flush was rather sexy and the whole thing was really cute Shishido thought with a smile as he asked, "Baby, is there anything you'd like to do?"
Just when he thought maybe he pushed the shy freshman too far, Choutarou nodded slowly and said, "D...do? Um...t...touch you. I want to...to touch you and...kiss you more, Shishido-san."
It was so general that Shishido wasn't sure exactly what touching him entailed. Hadn't they been touching all night? He was just about to ask when Choutarou added, "And...I'd really...I'd really love to hold you."
Oh. Despite his earlier vow, Shishido felt disappointment sink through him. When girls Shishido to hold them, what they always meant was they wanted Shishido to have sex with them. But still, it was Choutarou so it was okay, right? And it was a pretty bold declaration for the shy freshman. "Oh?" Shishido inwardly sighed away his disappointment. He rolled onto his back but kept looking at Choutarou.
Shishido decided that if he felt uncomfortable he would stop them, but first he would tease Choutarou to see if this is really what the freshman meant. Shishido figured it probably was, but he clung to the hope that maybe, just maybe, this was one of those made up terms Choutarou and his best friend had used when they meant something else. With a half-smile he didn't feel at all Shishido half-joked, "Is that what you thought of doing when you walked into my room and saw me naked that morning? Holding me?"
"Hold you? Well, I wanted to...I wanted to...to hug you. To lay behind you and...that's it! That's what I'm doing wrong!" Choutarou gave a little laugh and Shishido looked at him wondering what on earth he was talking about. "I draw sometimes, I like to draw, but I'm not very good at it. I've tried to draw you like a thousand times, but that's what I've been doing wrong. I saw you across your room from your doorway, but when I draw you it's wrong because I keep trying to draw you like I'm hugging you from behind and that's why the angles keep coming out wrong." Choutarou beamed a grin at him, "Thank you, I couldn't get it right and it was driving me crazy."
Despite his disappointment a moment ago, Shishido smiled and felt a rush of interest, "You've been drawing me? Naked in my bed? Seriously? I want to see."
For the second time ever, Shishido heard Choutarou give a small mild curse and then a sigh, "I...I sound like a creepy stalker, don't I? I'm so sorry, Shishidmm..."
Shishido quickly turned and kissed him, "No. You sound very sweet. Almost as sweet at you taste." He kissed Choutarou again, "I don't think it's creepy, I think it's sweet. No one has done anything like that for me before. Well, no one I really like or know, so I want to see. Actually girls draw me sometimes, but not very well. I can't draw at all. I have no art skills. No art and no music, but I like both. This is really nice, and here I thought it was cool when a couple of weeks ago some girl gave me a song she made for me, but this is..."
"Sh...she didn't write the song." Choutarou said sounding strangely quiet and annoyed, "She lied to you. The worst thing someone can do is lie Shishido-san, and she did it when she confessed to you. It's...it's unforgivable what she did!"
"It is?" Shishido was lost, "Not that I don't believe you baby, but how do you know she didn't write the...I'm sorry, I didn't hear you...what did you say?"
"I said I know she didn't write it because...because...I did." Choutarou looked miserable and went to pull away, "I'm sorry. I'll go. I'll go sleep on the couch and..."
Annoyed Shishido held him fast, "Wait! Just wait a minute. You're jumping up before I even understand what you're talking about. You wrote the song she said she wrote? You wrote it for her?" He had no idea if he should be jealous but he was feeling as jealous as he was confused.
"...no," Choutarou said and now looked miserable and mortified.
Shishido wondered to himself what the heck he was doing wrong. All he wanted was to reassure the freshman and kiss around with him a little more, but things just didn't seem to want to work out for them. He had an absurd urge to get his racket out and ask it for help, but he pushed it down.
"It...it's my own fault, Shishido-san. I did something really stupid. After I played for our coach, I started working on this song I've had in my head for a while. I don't know how to use most of the equipment here, so I've been learning as I go. I recorded part of me playing it on the piano...and then I..." Choutarou closed his eyes and went back to that nervous talking thing he did when he was his most embarrassed, "I think about you a lot, Shishido-senpai...and so I...I wrote the song...it's...it's about you and me and I thought maybe someday I...I'd give it to you when it was finished, but...but..."
Shishido figured after he knew what the heck this was about, he could do something. For now maybe he'd just listen. And touch him a little. He was so damn tense, "It's okay baby, take your time and just tell me."
Choutarou let out a breath as if he had held it in a while. The end sounded a little shaky so Shishido worried and wondered what this was all about.
Choutarou started that nervous talking thing, "I didn't get a chance to finish it. I mean...I...I'm still working on it, but...you see...uh...the freshmen are supposed to give up their practice room if a senpai asks for it or it's reserved even if they get there first. I was working on it when some girls walked in the room and told me to leave. I was flustered and didn't know how much they heard because I was singing and recording while I played. I didn't realize it then but I must have...I must have left a copy of the CD behind by accident."
The freshman looked down as if he suddenly found the comforter interesting, "I looked everywhere and I couldn't find it. I even went back to check on it, but it was gone. It...it had your name on it because it was for you. Two of the girls came up to me at dinner that night and one demanded that I give her the rest of the song and any other lyrics I had. I...I panicked. I didn't know what to do so I told her I was sorry, but it wasn't mine. You're my big brother and I study music, but I told her to look at me. I said I'm a guy and I would never write a guy another song, because...you know Shishido-san and that's...that's when the girls...the girls they...they laughed. They laughed at me and said sure, that in no way would you or anyone else be interested in a big stupid loser like me." A tear hit the bedding making a tiny plip sound. Another one soon followed.
Another tear fell beside the first and Shishido put his fingertip on Choutarou's chin to try to turn his face up for a kiss.
Either Choutarou was too into his story to notice or he was being too stubborn to let Shishido move him. Shishido kept his finger there and let the tears fall on his hand while he waited for Choutarou to finish, "The meanest girl she...she said poor you were stuck with a loser like me as your little brother and wh...when she dated you she'd have to work on changing that. Getting...getting rid of me. She's the senior. Gakuto's little sister. I know who she is. I met her before, but she acted like she'd never seen me before. I reminded her that she met me before. With Taki. I told her I'm Taki's roommate and they laughed even harder at me for some reason until I...until I excused myself and walked away. I didn't even eat. I...I couldn't. Anyway, I wasn't in the practice room long that morning and lots of people use it. Some freshmen girls I guess used it the night before and before I was there some other freshmen girls I know were in there. They left the room for me when I got there saying they were done. I told them they didn't have to, but they were nice. The senior and her friends kept looking for the freshman girl who wrote the song. They were convinced it was a freshman but they didn't know who it was. They offered all kinds of things from a seat at the cheerleaders dining room table for a week to money to even help for the "lucky" girl with another guy -- just not you, Shishido-san. She never found the freshman because I never came forward. She must have re-mixed the song and basically changed it so that it played over and over in a loop. I heard the cheerleaders talking about it and they were excited to see if you liked it. Then I saw her confess to you and I...I heard her say she wrote it for you. But she...she didn't."
Choutarou's eyes snapped up to meet his. The freshman's eyes were filled with remembered pain, but as he looked deeply at Shishido, they became serious and focused like when Ohtori played. The sheer intensity in his burning gaze directed right at him sent a shiver down Shishido's spine. It was as if Choutarou was feeling the same ferocity Shishido did whenever he wanted to protect Choutarou from anyone who dared to hurt him.
Shishido was touched by the freshman's feelings of wanting to protect him, but he felt more deeply touched as it dawned on him what Choutarou just told him he did.
Angry, Choutarou said heatedly, "She lied to you, Shishido-san. She didn't write the song. I dimmnf..."

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