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Post-metiér Conversations	By : SuckUBusJ Category: Hellsing > General Views: 8965 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 27
- 28
This
is the official last chapter. The Afterword will bring closure to the
story and it will come in a few when I am done with it.

Once
upon a time the author of this story wrote something in author notes
in the end of chapter 6. Just keep that in mind. :D

Stay tuned for the Afterword people! Again thank you guys for
everything!

Making
love…

(gunshot)

What
did I get myself into…

(gunshot)

I
have to do something about this… I’ve been putting it in
the back of my mind for too long.

(gunshot)

He
can read my mind, why make it so goddamn hard… damn him.

(gunshot)

I
feel like I can’t look at him… no, I didn’t get
drunk again… even worse…

His
heavy breaths are like music to my ears. Surprisingly the squeaking
of the bed has lost its humor. My eyes battle between closing or
opening; closing them, and feel the delicious uncertainty of what his
next move or caress will be, or opening them, and feel my insides
flutter as my eyes rest on his parted lips, his half lidded eyes that
once in a while roll back as I internally stimulate him…
taking advantage of this time when his face softly contorts in
something other than smirks and burlesque expressions. Yes, finding
pleasure in his pleasure…

I
decide to open them. Feeling his breath against my face is like a
little… exclusiveness I get from him, since he doesn’t
need to breathe normally. My hand reaches for his face, my fingers
traveling to his lips, entering his mouth, letting him taste drops of
my blood. Once it touches his tongue, his movements become slower but
deeper, eyes again roll back for a few seconds as his brow furrows
slightly. His upper body falls closer to mine, resting on his
forearms, eyes still lost.

He
has inner battles too at times like this; I can feel his hands on me
and then leaving me to clutch strongly at the sheets under me,
sometimes his nails thinning the cloth almost ripping it, not wanting
to hurt me. Ambivalences, ambivalences…

His
eyes again focus and meet mine. I don’t close them this time
after a while or look at his lips or anywhere else. And I don’t
look away. And he doesn’t look away. And I realize I haven’t
looked at him like this before. My fingers move away from his lips
and travel to the back of his neck into his hair, and then across his
shoulders. I bury my face on the curve of his neck and try to
understand this thing I am feeling in my stomach… and the rest
of my body, as he looked back at me. Yes, I am hiding. I am hiding my
eyes from his. I don’t know why. Or maybe I do, I can’t
say. I feel his grinding, but the only thing in my mind is…

What
did I get myself into with him…

Next
thing I feel is his fingers buried into my hair on the back of my
head, bringing me away from his shoulder. Again he’s looking at
me this way. I try to look back but not for long. My eyes travel down
to his lips, his eyes still pulling mine to his. I don’t know
why I can’t do it. There’s something heavy in my chest
not letting me. I feel as if I do… I might cry. His movements
stop gradually, almost unnoticeably. Or maybe I’m just so
overwhelmed with what I am feeling that I don’t notice. No
expression on his face. Mine is a sea of them. After trying to decide
what mask I should wear right now… I give up with a sigh, my
head thrown back a bit.

“I’m
sorry…” I whisper almost inaudibly.

He
just looked back at me, his face not changing.

Silence.

“You
want me to stop but do not want me away… and again do…”
he whispered.

No,
it’s not about not being in the mood. I don’t know what
the hell is happening to me.

“I’m
sorry…” I whispered again. I didn’t know what else
to say.

Silence.
He looked at me tilting his head a bit.

“It
is coming to you…” again his whisper.

I
frowned.

“What…
is?”

“You
will see…”

(gunshot)

What
the hell is happening to me… I wish I had a clue.

(click)

Ok,
not another magazine, I have to control myself.

I’ll
walk around… I wonder were Seras is…

--

“Captain!”
I said in a mocking tone as I saw Pip sitting at his balcony,
having a beer and a cig by himself, staring forward. Oh man, his
guitar. He better be drunk or else he sounds awful.

“Officer!”
He said in a mocking tone too. “… what's up?”

“Nothing...
nothing... bored out of my mind too...”

“So
I see...” He turned to me as I jumped on the balcony too. “Cig
and beer?”

“Please
and please” He lit mine and opened my beer. “…
such a gentleman...”

“Zat
I am... when I feel like eet...”

Chuckles.

“I
bet...” I gulped down some beer. “... thought you were
with Seras...”

“Nah...”
He took a long drag from his cig. “I try not to spoil her...
let her miss me...”

“Riiight...”

“Really.”

“I
do believe you, man... you seem like that type.”

“Type?...”

Silence.

“Question...”

“Oui?”

“How...
do you see Seras? I mean, do you really like her? Or is it just
goofing around?”

He
gave me a playful glare. “You're her spy or somezeeng?”

“No,
it's 100 personal interest...”

“Hmm...
she's a very nice girl. A good girl. Even I feel bad about hurting a
girl like zat...”

“Hmm...
would you say you like her?”

“Of
course I do.”

“I
mean.. like-like… feel something for her.”

Silence.

“I
zeenk so...”

“And
have you considered the fact that she's a vampire in all this?”

“Of
course I do... it's not somezeeng I can forget... zere's the eyes, ze
teeth and ze strength... a girl stronger zan me, it's weird
sometimes...”

“Hmm...”

“Why?”

“And
have you thought about--what if you want to be with her, like have a
steady relationship or something? What about the whole immortality
thing, the fact that she will stay like this forever, looking like
this--.”

“Whoa!
Let’s not get zat far, luv... don't scare me...”

“Ok…”
Why am I blushing?

“Hmm...”
He eyed me carefully and jumped off the balcony. “I zink
someone has a crush on a vampireee.” He sing-songed, strumming
his guitar.

“Huh?”

He
chuckled knowingly.

“Damn
it... the police girl told you...”

“Told
me?... told me what?” He said with a huge wicked smile.

I
scoffed.

He
came beside me and put his arm around my shoulders, signaling
somewhere with his beer.

“I
have an amazeeng view...” I looked at what he was signaling.

He
could see the balcony of my barracks and my hallway.

Of
course.

He
must have been witness to some talks and discussions… and
slaps.

“Crap...
who else saw...?”

“Nah...
no one comes here... except your blonde ex-boyfriend but I don’t
zink he’s seen much… plus it would be all around ze
place any road...” He had a big gulp of his beer. “…
you two have an... interesting relationship... and I have to say you
have a big set of bollocks to hit him like zat...”

So
he knew all along.

“We
don't have a relationship.”

“...
I have seen zeengs that enter zat category...”

“Great,
I have another stalker--.”

“I
can't see your room, luv... dunno what's happening zere... nor I
care...”

“What
things... “ I was curious.

“Fights...
very long talks, discussions... you smiling, him smiling sharing a
cig... both frustrated, zeengs like zat... I didn't have to see any
action between you two to know somezeeng was up...” He
lit another cig.

Silence.

“It's
not a crush, by the way...”

“You
sure, girl?”

Silence.
Hey I'm trying to lie here.

“Hm...”
He exhaled. “ … just be careful is all I say... if you
give one, anyways...”

“He's
not dangerous in the way people think--.”

“I
don't mean zat, luv...” Long puff. “... he's an alright
bloke, I have talked to him before... lots of times, even traveled
with him all the way to Brazil on a mission ... zere is more zan
immortality and ze blood drinking and all zat between you and him...
it might look hunky-dory, but I bet it's too much of a roller
coaster for humans...”

Silence.

“You
know what I’m talking about, oui?”

“Yeah…
he’s-he’s… not your sweet boy next door…
he’s been through so much… I think you're right...”

“Just
an opinion... nozeeng written on blood...”

He
again strummed his guitar after jumping on the balcony to sit. He
began playing a melody, a sweet one. Music has such an impact on me.

“I
could write a song weez what I have seen… about you two…”

“Oh
please…”

“Funny
how you had all of us zinking zat it was just… how can I say
it nicely…”

I
frowned at him. “… oui… just post-métier
conversations…”

“Huh?”
I smiled.

More
playing. “That’s how I will call ze song…”
Soft playing. “Post-métier conversations…”

I
laughed silently. He is so random when he wants to be.

“I
don’t think you are using that word the right way, Frenchie…”

“Girl,
I’m ze French one here, I should know, ok?”

More
laughing. Seras is so goddamn lucky. He’s such a sweetheart.

I
jumped off the balcony and holding his head from behind I brought him
closer to mine and kissed him on the cheek. He’s French, he
won’t think any of it.

“Thanks…
you're cooler than you look.”

“I
get zat a lot...”

“Riiiight...”
I smiled thinking about so many things that have exploded in my face
all around this place. “… I guess nothing is what it
seems… it is all a matter of perception...”

“Sleep
tight, girl… don’t let the bats shit on you in your
sleep.”

“You
are so vulgar when you want to be too…” He chuckled.
“I'm going to go--hey you want a hemp bracelet?”

“A
whata?”

“Come
I'll show you...” I pulled him to my room, well more like
dragged.

Who
knew the mercenary could be insightful...

It
is strange how, in the dark, things morph to something else.

Since
I was a little girl, I always liked the dark. I loved to see how my
mind would decompose shapes and turn them into something else. My
friends were always scared of this; they saw chairs turn into
monsters and closets turn into gates of hell. To me it was always
beautiful. I guess I have always been strange.

That
same thing happens to people, if one is kept in the dark.

I
looked at the vampire beside me, his eyes closed, still as a…
dead body I should say. Well, he doesn’t breathe. But it is
dark, or as dark as I can manage with my less than perfect blinds. So
it is something I can ignore. In every other way, he looks just like
a regular guy, about 27 years old, sleeping beside me after a night
of passionate sex.

I
turned on my side, away from him and stared at the wall. Walls don’t
really change. They always remain walls, no matter how dark.

I
wonder what is it that’s happening to me. I can’t feel
something for him. How can I? It makes no sense. How long has this
been in me and I haven’t noticed it? Is something really
growing here? Is it because he confessed he can love? But this was
something I already knew.

That
question… the one that was eating me inside.

Could
he ever love me like he loves her?

I
felt him move. I guess he is stirring in his sleep. He does.
Something that surprised me the first time I saw it. But then I felt
his body spooning with mine, his arm coming around my body at the
height of my waist. He doesn’t do this. At least, not with me.

“Let’s
talk about love…” He whispered, almost mocking
nostalgia, his lips landing close to my ear.

“Hm?”

“Let’s
talk about love.” His tone now almost playful.

Silence.

“Does
it surprise you?” He asked.

“What…”

“A
monster… speaking about love…”

“…
yeah…”

“Why,
milady?” Silence. “Are humans the only ones who can
experience love?” His tone was burlesque.

“…
That’s what we believe…”

“How
can you claim possession of something that you cannot even define?”

“How
can language, a creation of ours which carries every fundamental flaw
we have, define something like love? It doesn’t mean we can’t
feel it or exclusively feel it. Thought and soul are not the same,
vampire…”

He
chuckled approvingly. “’How can something that is dead
experience something like love?’... Is this it?”

“You
are not dead. Undead is different than dead.”

“I
am glad you know the difference…” Silence. “Why
then… is it so hard to believe a vampire can love?”

“You
have implied many times you do not bother with emotions or feelings.”

“And
love is a feeling?” He asked rhetorically.

Silence.

“What
is love then… you seem to know…” I asked him a
bit testy.

“I
cannot tell you what love is… but I have very clear what it is
not…”

“Tell
me then.”

Silence.

“Feelings,
as you know very well, are as nonexistent and flawed as language is.
But humans tend to place love in this category.” Silence. “Is
love as volatile? I think not. Feelings change all the time. I can
make it change with a remark or a simple action…” He
poked my side and I slapped his arm. “… it is quite
fun…”

“Ok,
I got it…”

He
chuckled.

“I
do not bother with feelings, not because I am undead. It is
experience that has let me to the conclusion that feelings are
nothing but creations of ours. We have them, if we choose to.”

“…
I agree…”

“You
know this… it took you less than me to realize this same
thing, draga mea…” Silence. “But love is not a
feeling… as unromantic as it may sound.” More silence.
“Could I ever love you as I love her, you ask.” He said
and I felt my face red. I can’t get used to this ability of
his. “The answer depends not on me… as surprising as it
sounds.” Silence. Now I’m confused. “Something
for me is awakening inside of you, you say. Feelings for a
vampire. Love perhaps?”

“I’m
not sure.” Silence. “Maybe the potential to—I don’t
know…” I said stuttering a bit.

“Hm.”

Silence.

“You
don’t sound convinced.” I said with a frown.

“I
am not.”

“How
can you know what I feel or not feel? You read thoughts, but not--.”

“Hearts?
Milady, such an old-wives tale; still thinking it is your heart doing
this? Leave the poor thing alone; it has enough problems with pumping
blood and creating a blood flow.”

I
was going to say something but stopped. I did get his point.

Silence.

“No,
I cannot love you like I love her.”

Silence.
Rejection is a bitch. I swallowed hard. So he was using me then?

“Is
it because you’ve known her for so long?”

“How
can that be a reason, milady?”

“You
have been through more things with her; a bond has been developed--.”

“Time
is also as unreal as language and feelings; another human creation.
It does not exist. It is relative, some say, which only proves it
doesn’t mean anything.”

Silence.

“Could
you? If she wasn’t in the picture?” my voice is sounding
smaller by the minute.

“It
has nothing to do with her either.”

Silence.
I’m confused again.

“I
cannot love someone who doesn’t see me as what I am.”

I
frowned.

“What
do you mean? I know what you are—.” I argued.

“You
accept me as what I am… you know I am a vampire. But you do
not see me as this.”

“I
don’t understand.”

Silence.

“I
am what you would like to be.” He said softer into my ear, as
if making sure I understood. “I represent power…
everything you would like to achieve; you believe I am smart, strong,
experienced, intelligent, invincible… These are things you
would like to become. And you see them personified in me.”
Silence. “You idolize me, being close to me makes you feel
closer to these traits. And of course, makes you feel better about
yourself… as I have chosen you to share my bed, time and
thoughts with.”

Silence.
My inner self is not getting defensive as it always gets when I feel
threatened or misjudged. I can’t believe this…

“It
can’t be this vain…” I said with a deeper frown.

“Why?”

“What
about my concern for you…”

“Oh,
I never said you couldn’t feel concern for me. I never said you
didn’t feel something for me… but it is not that kind of
thing you believe it to be…”

Silence.

“I
was using you.” I whispered; it felt so horrible.

“Some
might see it that way…” Long silence. “...still …
you would have made a wonderful vampire.”

I
smiled. It was a compliment to me.

Silence.

“Is
this your only reason?”

“Yes,
my dear.”

“How
can you decide this? Doesn't it just happen... I mean, love?

Silence.
He chuckled.

“I
have only lived long enough to know better...” Silence. “It
is almost… a decision of mine, yes. A decision that at certain
times I hesitated to follow... ”

Silence.

“Could
you have been able to love more than one then? I mean if I did see
you as--.”

Silence.
I trailed off; I didn't need to explain it to him.

“As
aware and awakened as your pretty little mind is, there are things
you cannot understand now.”

Very
long silence. I can’t believe I wasn’t aware of this. I
feel so bad. I can’t believe I lost control of me like this and
didn’t see what was really happening.

“Ari…”
I closed my eyes and smiled unconsciously almost. I loved the way he
sometimes whispered my name with no reason. “My dear Ari…
there is so much you don’t see yet… so much you still
need to learn… but you are doing well, very well…”
I felt his chest pressing stronger against me, his body coming a bit
higher over my side almost. “… the strengths you posses
are not the ones you see. It takes a while to see in between the
lines of your reality because you have woven them with threads of
what you already are… you just, don’t see it yet…”
Silence. “… don’t look beyond the fantastic
structure… look into it… it is even more…
marvelous…” Silence. “We could have had so much
fun together…” He whispered, a hint of playfulness and
sadness. I turned my head to look at him. No, it wasn’t an
indecent proposal; not one that would come from a lover. It was even
more intimate… but more chaste. One word came to my head.

Accomplice.

I
let out a small chuckle.

“Go
to her… you’ve made her jealous enough.” I joked.
I had seen them together. She couldn’t have a doubt. No matter
what he did. I felt his hand pinching my chin softly, his fingers
running through my hair as he moved away and off the bed.

He
appeared completely dressed in front of my bed, walking toward the
door. I didn’t feel anything too bad as he walked away from me.
Actually, I felt a bit lighter; as weird as it may sound.

“Can
I ask something of you?” He asked, turning his body sideways
and facing me.

“Sure.”
I sat up covering my body with the comforter.

Silence.

“Never
forget what you are in battle. There is nothing I can do anymore if
you fall.”

“Ok.”
I wasn’t expecting something like this. “Can we still go
around scaring people?”

“Of
course.” He said with a smile. Yes, a smile. “I owe you a
lesson on cleaning guns too.”

“Right.”
I remembered.

And
then he disappeared.

I
smiled.

No,
I didn't hear steps down the hallway. Nor the door slowly closing, or
a lightness in the air because of his departure. Nothing to
dramatically announce the closure of this... whatever it was.

I
guess in Alucard language this means ‘take care, don’t
get killed, everything is back to how it was before.’ It will
take me some time to adjust. But I think I can manage. Or at least
try to.

If
only I had asked the damn question before things escalated...

...
nah, never mind.

I turned around, my nose buried in the pillow. I inhaled. Hm, I'll
postpone cleaning my sheets to a few more days.

I
turned around, grunting, not wanting to wake up. What had happened
hours ago was still fresh in my mind and I wished to stay in bed and
think about it. I already missed him. As I rolled around the bed some
more I felt… the noise of paper wrinkling under my shoulder. I
propped my body up with my forearms and brought the paper closer to
my line of vision.

A
strange handwriting. Hm. I wonder what this is…

“My
dear Ari:

This
is something that flowed out of me in one of those so called nights
in which for a few moments, I forgot about decisions and reason when
it came to the thought of you. If you read it or not it makes no
difference; for my own benefit, I want you to have it. It is my own
concept… of closure.”

I
gulped. My heart was in my throat. I didn’t know what to
expect. I was afraid to read but I had to do it. I sighed.

It
had a date; the day of the ‘illusion’… that
horrible mission.

“…
Centuries have passed since the last time I believed in men, in
life and in faith…

In
translucid thoughts of eternity, where passion makes no place for
reason or poetry, I waited; waited for the day she would come.

The
last of them… the one that remained faceless…

My
body mutilated by reality still takes comfort in the unconscious
consciousness of my soul; in the remembrance of that space in time
when both life and unlife stopped; when I finally saw your face, the
one that was once changing and shapeless in my dreams, now outlining
perfect and tangible smiles...

That
day continues to dilute past memories of death and war and betrayal;
even those that go as far back as when I relied in breath to exist...

…
such is the power your mere existence holds...

My
brown eyed lady; knowing you exist outside of my thoughts and that
future full of faces that has haunted me for decades, makes me
fathom, that in this world you not only represent hope to a damned
soul that refuses to live, but also to a species that fears their own
created idols. This is why I am filled with awe at your unawareness
at how your apparition is encompassed by forms of light that disperse
my own darkness...

Light
I once considered extinguishing succumbing to my own selfishness...

...
a light I felt almost extinguished tonight...

And
on this night, draga mea, I remembered what fear is; and that your
death is not the only thing I am afraid of anymore, but mine if I
ever see indifference in your eyes, which I know are not fallacious
fears... and why my decision is what it is...

But
right now, to the rabid ocean my despondent thoughts; I don't want to
think but to continue to feel, because with time you seem closer to
me. And for your essence to come with me into the darkness, I would
give my life... if I had one...

...
again, blinded by selfishness, I am guilty, yes, since I do not know
selflessness...

In
a fraction of time, blood contracts in my chest, trying to comprehend
this 'thing' I demand from you but you cannot give... nevertheless I
continue to seek you; nothing will prohibit this happiness to a
cursed creature like me.

So
I will continue to share cigarettes and politics and maybe that long
forgotten God I once believed in, with you; even if to only thank Him
for your presence... since this is the only thing I can offer...”

My
teary eyes were blurring the last lines of the paper. As those tears
I was holding back finally ran down my face, I could finally see that
those last lines were written in a different ink... the same ink used
to write the very first introductory paragraph, which made me think
it was added later...

“...
with the relativity that the word encases, I love you my dear Ari...
in much more than one way...”

I
sniffled heavily and smiled at this.

Always
the drama, damn corpse, I thought; and at the end, just
throwing it in your face nice and straight.

Damn
him... bringing his brides back, the dog... but still pussy whipped.

I
couldn't stop smiling.

I
think those sheets will stay where they are for longer than I
thought.

So
I guess this is… closure.

Thank
you guys so much... you guys rock, this was going to be 13 chappys
and LOOK IT”S A GODDAMN NOVEL! I copied it to a word document
and its over 200 pages! Goddamn! This was supposed to be a one shot
to start with! Thanks always for the support…

Stay
tuned for the afterword! Good and bad cookies are very welcome!
(cookies are reviews, I’ve gotten people asking me to stop
eating or I’ll just explode… :D)

I
know, I know, weird ending… well, people who know me know I
like weird stuff.
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