Hakkai's Secret

He he- seems like my lighter stuff is more popular! Strange how while people acknowledge that mpreg is becomming more common, yet still seem hesitant to legitamize it (pun intended.) Anyway, I had a computer malfunction that wiped out most of my files. I had to completely re-write this and it somehow has a different flavor than the first draft. This one is un-betaed.

Please review. I can take it, I promise!

This fic has the promise of going from extremely dark to light and fluffy, (have I said that before? I don't remember and I'm too lazy to go look.)

suggestions will be greatfully considdered. I am going somewhere with this- I even have it mapped out on paper!

I am madly in love with Saiyuki, but don't actually own them. Thank you Kazuya Minekura!

Chapter 3


By degrees Hakkai became aware of the pain in his body. When his eyes did crack open he immediately squeezed them shut again. He felt groggy, like he hadn't slept properly and was being roused too early. He slid his hands up into his hair and sat up.

For several moments he just stared off into space while he took stock of himself. He looked at his hands and his eyes widened.

Oh shit.

He looked around at himself, the sheets, and the bed.

Shit shit shit!

Then his eyes lit on Gojyo and the bile rose up in his throat. He choked it back but he couldn't look at Gojyo for too long.

He sat forward from where he reclined and pointedly lit a cigarette.

Say something.

Please, say something.

Break the silence.

I need you to break the silence.

Gojyo rose from his chair, having given up on getting a late morning nap.

Hakkai scrambled for his shorts. “Gojyo, wait, where are you going?”

Gojyo turned a disgusted look to him. Hakkai didn't think he could handle it if Gojyo found him disgusting.

“Shower, man.”

Hakkai followed behind Gojyo to the bathroom and the hanyou stopped him at the door.

“You'll have your shit cleaned up by the time I'm done?”

“Uh,” Hakkai nodded.

Gojyo nodded to him and closed the door. Hakkai heard the lock turn. He leaned on the door a moment and just ached. Felt like someone had kicked him in the gut. He had blood drying all over him, and not all of it had come from his wrists.

What the hell did I do to myself?

Hakkai stumbled back to the bed and regarded it. He could burn the sheets in the fire pit outside when Gojyo wasn't home. For now he stuffed them into bags and made quick work of scrubbing things off. He had to work to get it out of the wood floor and there would be a stain. The mattress he wiped down and then flipped, vowing to get a new one, and he had fresh sheets on it by the time Gojyo was done.

The work opened his wounds a little and he got detergent in them. They stung like a bastard. Why the hell weren't they healing?

When he heard the lock turn on the bathroom door Hakkai pushed past Gojyo into the steamy room. They said nothing to each other and Hakkai avoided his eyes.

Gojyo inspected the bed. You'd hardly know anything strange had happened. Hakkai was damn good at covering evidence. He was the one you wanted around if you had a crime scene to scrub. Gojyo could really not say if he came close to finding out half of Hakkai's stranger shit.

Gojyo lifted the mattress and looked at the stain.

“God damn it, Hakkai,” he said. He didn't think Hakkai understood what this shit did to him. He'd found this man dieing in his own blood in the dirt and sometimes it seemed Hakkai still desired to return to that state. It was like the man had an obsession with death. Hakkai had tried to argue in the past that it was not a suicide thing, but Gojyo just could not imagine it anything else.

He'd never quite figured out what it was that sparked such incedents, and he didn't know exactly what Hakkai did when he wasn't around.

Sometimes Gojyo jus wanted to crack open Hakkai's skull and look at what was inside. Damn secretive bastard.

Hakuryuu chirped and Gojyo turned his attention to the dragon. He reached out and rubbed on the serpentine neck the way he saw Hakkai do it. The dragon arched into his hand and made a noise akin to purring.

“You poor bastard,” Gojyo said to the dragon. “I wonder what shit you've seen.”

The dragon chirped.

Hakkai watched the blood flow down the drain. He turned the water up as high as he could stand and prayed the hot water would hold. The hot water stung him in several parts of his body and he had to bite his tongue not to cry. He leaned against the wall and let the water warm his body.

What was he going to do about Gojyo? He really didn't know how Gojyo would react. The only time the kappa ever was truly pissed at him was when he caught him cutting. This was actually not the worst he had done to himself, but it was the worst mess he'd ever made. Also, he felt like he had the shit kicked out of him. He must have looked horrible when Gojyo found him.

How the hell long had Gojyo sat in that chair and watched him sleep?

Fucking bitch left me in my own blood.

Hakkai squeezed his eyes shut.

Murky memories of the Goddess crowded into his head and clamored for his attention. He had half baked recollections and images. The memories of raw emotion were the clearest and thinking about what last night felt like brought back the pain.

It was always this way after a traumatic experience. It could take months for it all to become clear. Something had happened and he couldn't really remember it all. Somehow he didn't feel like he could have done it all to himself, but that is what the evidence said.

He'd remember eventually, weather or not he wanted too. Hakkai began the careful process of burying memories. He'd decided he didn't need to remember last night.

He didn't want to leave the bathroom now. He had to go out there and face Gojyo and he didn't have any idea how strongly the hanyou was going to react..

Hakkai screwed up his courage and stepped outside into the larger world. Gojyo was busy heating something on the stove and hakkai approached him cautiously.

Cool fingers slid up the back of Gojyo's neck and he paused in his actions to lean his head back into them. Then he turned to Hakkai and gripped both Hakkai's healing arms in his hands. Hakkai flinched and screwed his face up but allowed the hanyou to inspect the damage. Gojyo squeezed one of his wrists, illiciting a pained noise from the healer.

Why do the bruises look like finger marks?

Some of them went up Hakkai's arms well past the knife damage. Gojyo's eyebrows knit up as he looked at them. Gojyo ran his thumb over the worst of the wounds. He'd noticed healing marks on Hakkai before and sometimes he said something and somties he pretended he hadn't seen. When he applied pressure, a thin line of fresh blood dripped from the flesh. Hakkai had never dug in so deep he was still this wounded in the morning. Gojyo had the idea that for some reason he didn't know, it wasn't that Hakkai had been less kind to himself so much as it seemed he wasn't otherwise healing at his usual rate.

He turned his attention to the other arm and dragged the offending apendage up to his eye level, illiciting yet another wimper which he ignored.

"Your- Your soup is overboiling," was Hakkai's pained whisper.

Gojyo looked at him like he was surprised he was still in the room. Guilt blossomed in Gojyo's chest as he looked into deep liquid pools of emerald. He'd been hurting his friend because he was mad at him and that was not an excuse. He'd never seen Hakkai look so close to tears before and he realy didn't want to be a cause of them.

He pulled Hakkai into him and hugged the demon to him. Hakkai returned the embrace with fervor and he was squeezeing the air out of the hanyou and reminding him of who was physically stronger. Gojyo ran his hands up into the dark brown hair of his lover and pressed hakkai to his shoulder. He sighed.

Then Gojyo was pushing him away, disentangling himself from Hakkai's hungry arms.

"Go lay down, Hakkai. You look awful."

Hakkai felt awful. He felt sick and not just from stress. He was beginning to think he had caught something. Now that he was out of the heat of the shower he was getting the chills. He hadn't had the flu since he was human and he soemhow didn't think demons got flu. If they did, he had it now.

Hakkai nodded and stumbled over to the bed and crashed into it. Gojyo regarded him and cursed himself for burning the pot.

After several minutes a familiar weight dipped the bed.

“Sit up, Hakkai,” Gojyo poked him in the shoulder. Grudgingly Hakkai complied. Stiffly he rolled over and sat up.

“You need to call in to work.”

Hakkai nodded.

“Here,” and he pushed a mug full of soup into Hakkai's hands. Hakkai wrinkled his nose a little and Gojyo barked “Eat it,” at him. Hakkai took it and moved it around with his spoon.

Worried green eyes stared up over the rim of the mug and it amazed Gojyo how child-like he could look. He leaned in and planted a chaste kiss onto Hakkai's face. Hakkai's brows drew together and he whispered Gojyo's name.

“What the hell am I going to do with you?”

“I don't know.”

“You're one hell of a basket case, Hakkai.”

“I know.”

“Hmph,” Gojyo looked like he was smiling.

Hakkai sipped at his mug and smiled back, kind of.

“I have to go to work.”

“Why? I made a lot of money last night.”

“I need to get something for the house.”

“What, a new mattress?”

Hakkai looked wounded and Gojyo realized that was indeed what he had been thinking.

Gojyo shook his head, the strangest of expression on his face.

“Sometimes, Hakkai, I really don't understand you. I never know whats going on in that damned head of yours. You keep me guessing.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Don't be. We'll talk about it later. Don't go to work. I'll even call in for you. Lets stay home together tonight.”

Hakkai slid over and leaned his face into Gojyo's shoulder. He snaked one arm around his waist and hugged him close. Gojyo could feel tremors in Hakkai's body. The soup made it a juggling act. “Thank you, Gojyo.”