The Ghost of Affection

Yuki closed his eyes as he listened to the trickle of running water. He slowly eased into the hot water of the bath, trying to calm his nerves. It was early morning, and he still felt groggy. He hadn't gotten much sleep that night. He had lain awake and thought of Akito. He also thought of his past with Akito. He wasn't sure he liked this new change in their relationship. No matter how good it felt, the things in the past always caused him pain. Akito had been somewhat gentle, and treated him as a lover. He wondered how long it would last before Akito became violent once more. He remembered being locked in that dark room, the words Akito said back then had pierced his soul, and he was still healing. He wasn't sure he could ever forgive Akito. Though as he thought of him, he couldn't help but feel warm and fuzzy inside, a feeling he couldn't help. Akito's face brought him both terror and comfort. It really was a rather confusing situation. He stepped out of the bath and dried himself, staring into the mirror. As he had predicted, a bright red bruise had appeared upon his cheek overnight. He gingerly touched the abused skin and winced slightly. He dressed slowly, still deep in thought. He even forgot to throw out his morning insult as Kyo passed him in the hallway. He left without a word and without breakfast, wanting to be alone that morning. The crisp morning air refreshed his senses somewhat, and he took a deep breath, relaxing for the first time in hours. It was still early morning, and only a few students were actually in the school at this hour. As he stepped into the empty halls of the school, he found the echo of his own footsteps to be somewhat soothing. As he entered his classroom, he found that even his teacher hadn't arrived yet. He took his seat and stared blankly down at his notebook.
“ Sohma?” He started as he looked up to see his teacher entering the class room, holding a cup of coffee and balancing a stack of papers. “ Why so early?”
“ I had some things to do.” Yuki replied, opening his notebook and pretending to jot a few notes down.
“ I see, I see.” She said, taking a sip from her coffee. “ Class starts in about an hour then.” Yuki looked up at her and nodded. The hour passed quickly as he was lost in thought the whole time.
“ Sohma-kun?” He shook his head, snapping out of the current haze he was in as he heard Tohru's voice. “ Are you okay? I didn't see you at breakfast.”
“ I'm fine.” Yuki smiled up at her. “ Just had a few things to do.” She took her seat, still looking concerned. It was then he began to question his feelings. He did love Tohru, but she didn't make him all hot inside like Akito did. When he thought of Akito, he remembered all the pain, but also how good it felt. He was so confused, he couldn't even pay attention properly the entire class period. At lunch, his head was still in the clouds as he trailed behind Haru and Tohru. He came back to the present as he saw Momiji speeding towards them, looking worried.
“ Tohru! Haru! Yuki!” He came to a halt before them, panting for breath. “ Oh it's awful!”
“ What is?!” Tohru asked, looking terrified.
“ It's Akito! He's here!” Momiji said, looking up at them. He could feel all eyes on him as his heart skipped a beat. Akito was here, but why?
“ Yuki...” He heard Haru say quietly.
“ He's coming! Yuki, you should leave.” Momiji said, pointing towards the front of the school and tugging upon his sleeve.
“ No. It's fine.” Yuki brushed Momiji off and headed down the path. His stomach did a somersault as he saw Akito round the corner of the school.
“ Yuki.” He said, stopping before him. Akito was dressed in a long sleeved black shirt, and a pair of black pants. Yuki wasn't used to seeing him out of his robes, and eyed him up and down curiously.
“ Why are you here?” Yuki asked, glancing back at Haru, Tohru, and Momiji, all standing there looking horrified.
“ Hello, Hatsuharu, Momiji, and Miss Honda.” Akito greeted them, mustering a friendly smile. Yuki could tell it was forced, but said nothing. He glanced at Haru, who was glaring at Akito furiously. “ Come, we must speak.” Akito grasped Yuki by the wrist and began to drag him towards the front of the school. Haru glanced at Momiji and Tohru and nodded towards them as he slowly trailed after Yuki and Akito. Haru stood behind a rather large tree, watching as Akito dragged Yuki to a secluded area of the grounds, surrounded by trees and blocked from the view of outsiders. Haru squinted behind a bush, listening carefully. If he was perfectly silent, he could just catch what they were saying.
“ Why did you come here?” He heard Yuki ask, but was surprised by Yuki's tone. It wasn't angry or frightened.
“ I know you wanted to see me.” Akito said, running his hand through Yuki's hair. Haru's insides clenched as Akito leaned forward and kissed Yuki gently. He could feel Black Haru threatening to ascend when Yuki didn't fight back, but wrapped his arms around Akito's neck, returning the kiss. Haru turned and walked swiftly back into the lunch area, smoldering inside.
“ Haru?” Momiji dragged Tohru behind him as he spotted Haru. “ Haru! How did it go?”
“ Something is weird.” Haru said, trying not to sound angry.
“ What's weird?” Tohru asked, cocking her head to the side. Haru wasn't sure if he should tell them what he saw. He shook his head.
“ It's nothing. They were just talking.” He lied, glancing at the floor. Back in the brush, Akito held Yuki close against him. Whatever was left of Yuki's dignity, began screaming at him to push him away, or run. Somehow it felt right. It was sick and wrong, but it felt so good just to be held that way. Yuki felt a single tear roll down his cheek out of frustration and self loathing. He felt Akito gently run his finger across his cheek, brushing the tear away. It was horrifying yet comforting, the way Akito handled him with such care just then. He felt loved, and that's really all he wanted in the first place. Maybe that was why his body was allowing him to go forward with this. The desperate need to be loved and touched, the feeling of neglect he'd lived with his entire life.
“ I need to return home now.” Akito said quietly, kissing Yuki quickly one last time. Yuki nodded slowly, watching as Akito glanced back at him then headed out of the brush. Yuki turned and walked slowly back to the lunch area, deep in thought.
“ Sohma-kun?” He looked up as he saw Tohru approaching him, looking worried.
“ Yes?” Yuki stopped beside Tohru and Momiji, giving them a faint smile.
“ Is everything alright?” She asked timidly. He nodded slowly, watching her expression carefully.
“ I have some things to take care of.” Yuki said, still smiling. He noticed the glare Haru was giving him, and raised his eyebrow as he exited the classroom. The day went by quickly, as Yuki was in a haze all day. He was thinking of Akito, and when he could see him next. He didn't know what this feeling was. There was no way to confirm that it was affection. Possibly just the need to be touched, even if he had to get it from the person that had tormented him his entire life. When he arrived home, Kyo and Tohru were already seated at the table eating dinner. Kyo scowled at him as he passed by.
“ Sohma-kun? Don't you want dinner?” Tohru stood, preparing to hurry towards the kitchen.
“ No thank you, Honda-san.” He didn't feel very hungry, he hadn't actually been hungry these past few days, too much on his mind. “ I already ate.” He added, at the look of disappointment upon her face.
“ I'm home.” Yuki started and glared at the doorway as Shigure appeared out of nowhere.
“ Where have you been?” Kyo asked through a mouthful of rice.
“ To see Akito.” Shigure replied, hanging up his coat. Yuki's heart skipped at beat at the mention of his lovers name. “ He's sick, again.”
“ Is he alright?” Yuki asked, before he could stop himself. Shigure paused and raised an eyebrow.
“ I don't know. He looked pretty bad.” Shigure scratched his head. “ Well, we all knew he wasn't going to last long anyways.”
“ Don't say that!” Yuki shouted, his hands balled into fists.
“ What the hell is wrong with you? I thought you'd be skipping in joy at this news.” Kyo scoffed, glaring at him. Yuki stood, quivering in frustration. He grabbed his coat and slipped his shoes back on, heading out the door.
“ Yuki!” Shigure called from the door, but that didn't stop him. He ran as fast as he could. He had to see Akito. He couldn't die now, not when he was finally able to admit it. Admit that he was happy, that no matter what had happened in the past, Akito made him happy. Akito made him feel like he belonged, and he'd do anything just to be beside him. His legs were aching as he willed them to run faster. The familiar scenery of the outer walls of the main house began to whip past him. Before he knew it, he was pushing the front doors to Akito's house open, and staggering inside, kicking off his shoes wildly.
“ Yuki?” He froze, looking up at Hatori, leaving Akito's room. “ What on earth are you doing here?”
“ What's wrong with him?” Yuki asked, not bothering to explain why he had suddenly burst in.
“ Yuki, you're acting strange.” Hatori eyed him suspiciously. “ You can see him if you want.” He said, still eyeing him. “ I was just going to get him some medicine, I'll be back in a while.” Yuki hardly heard him say as he pushed the door open and entered Akito's room. The familiar cold of the room washed over him, reminding him of death. He could see Akito's frail figure upon the bed, apparently sleeping. Yuki approached the bed quietly, kneeling by the side. Akito was breathing quietly, sound asleep. He reached out and grasped Akito's hand, gripping it tightly. It was cold in his grasp, absorbing all the heat from his hands.
“ Akito...” He whispered, watching the rise and fall of Akito's chest. “ Please...Wake up...” He watched him closely for any sign of movement whatsoever. Akito remained asleep, his breathing becoming shallow. “ Akito...” He held Akito's hand to his chest, feeling himself becoming desperate. “ I can forget everything that happened, I can forget what you did to me.” He whispered, feeling the tears burning his eyes. “ I don't care about that anymore, I was afraid to say it. Part of me is still afraid of you, and part of me still wants to hold a grudge against you.” His throat tightened around the words, trying to hold them down. “ But...” His throat was tight like a vice grip, struggling to keep the words down. He just had to say it, he had to admit it. “ But, I love you.” His body trembled as he choked back a sob. “ I love you...Please...Just wake up...Don't leave me after all of this...There's still so much more to be done.” Yuki cried, not bothering to wipe the stream of tears falling down his cheeks. He closed his eyes, letting everything out.
“ I'm not going to die...” He heard Akito whisper quietly. He started and stared wide eyed down at a weary looking Akito. “ It's just a cold.” Akito removed his hand from Yuki's grip, and sat up slowly. “ I was outside too long, I'll be fine.” He said, through a cough. Yuki remained silent, tears still flowing down his cheeks. He knew he looked terrible. He hadn't cried this much since he was a baby. Akito reached out and wiped his tears away with the sleeve of his robes. He pulled Yuki into a gentle embrace.
“ I'm sorry.” Yuki said quietly, resting against him.
“ I'll tell you why I kissed you.” Akito ran his hand beneath Yuki's chin, tilting his head back and staring into his eyes. “ I kissed you because I love you.” He planted a gentle kiss upon his forehead, feeling Yuki tremble against him. Yuki let out a quiet sob, the tears coming back in full force. Akito ran his hands through his hair, petting him softly as he cried onto his shoulder. Outside the door, Hatori stood with his arms crossed over his chest, his face twisted into a frown.
“ Hmph. I see.” He said to himself, nodding then turning and heading back down the hall, planning to leave the two of them alone for a while. Yuki wiped away his tears with the back of his hand, still in Akito's arms. He felt a sudden rush of frustration as Shigure's words came back to him. He wasn't sure if he should thank the dog, or punch him. He decided that doing both would be suitable for this situation. He eased back into Akito's arms, letting himself slip away from reality once more. To place only Akito could bring him.