Low of Solipsism

Author’s note:

Finally finished. Syaoran’s head is hard to write out, lol. Not because he’s hard to read, quite the opposite, but because he has so much turmoil that it’s difficult to write it all in a coherent manner. Toy and I really tried to capture that torrent of confusion…sorry if we failed D:

Also, smut next chapter. Just have to go through and edit it.

Points of interest:

The scale they use is actually a moderated device that psychics use to speak to people. I changed it to make it more…Eriol…heh

Disclaimer: This document is intended for public viewing and is solely for personal enjoyment. It should neither be considered an authoritative source nor an official publication of the creators and their affiliates.

If I owned CCS it would be rated ‘M’ and full of angst and near death/actual death scenes.

Chapter 4 – Mind’s Eye

"Time to get up Li-sama." Spinel huffed as he sat on the male's back, his tail twitching ever so slightly. "Eriol is waiting for you in the dining hall with breakfast; get up now before it gets cold." The cat called again before floating out of the room, leaving the teenager to his privacy. Said boy rustled under the sheets then yawned, slipping out of bed to stretch then changed into a loose set of short-sleeved forest green robes with a blue sash and black slippers, he rubbing an eye as he walked out after fixing his hair and entered the dining hall with a rather loud greeting from Nakuru. The creation flung her arms around the brunette, trying to smother him until he slipped out of her grasp and took a seat at the end of the table next to Eriol's large red armchair looking quite displeased with the self-proclaimed female.

"Good morning..." he murmured, glancing to the head of the house whilst the two guardians started to serve themselves.

"Good morning." Eriol looked up from a weathered tome he was reading and smiled. "You seem in better spirits today." He waved his hand, lifting the butter and setting it closer to Nakuru so she wouldn't lean over the table to reach for it. "Ready for more training?" Although, no matter how the boy answered, the training would still commence. He just asked to be polite.

"Hm. I guess. I know I don't have a choice." He replied somewhat emptily as he started on his own breakfast whilst trying to protect it from Nakuru's wandering fingers and rather large appetite for being one that wasn't human.

"I think it's time we tackle another tangent before we continue in our previous direction. Oh, and," he glanced up once more. "Don't worry about weapons. You won't be fighting today, at least, not in the traditional means." He picked up a piece of buttered toast from his plate and took a bite, still buried in the text of a dead language.

Syaoran, on the other hand, was having an interesting conversation with Spinel about Eastern magical principles when he realized he had finished his meal. He then politely stood and excused himself from the table, choosing to continue his meanderings until Eriol summoned him for the new training he would receive. “I just know I’ll enjoy it as much as the last few lessons.” He stated bitterely.

"Well, today should end well." Eriol let out the last bit in an amused voice that hinted to the sarcasm. Spinel glanced up, choosing not to say anything and instead bit Nakuru's hand as she reached over to steal some of his biscuits.

The test would be taxing, to both master and student, so Eriol spent an hour in his day room clearing furniture and meditating quietly. After he finished he created a short table and two twisted chairs on either side, looking as though they had been crafted from oak. In the center of the table was what looked like a scale with two small bowls hanging from either side. Eriol sat in the chair, straightening the wrinkles that formed in his pants. "Everything is set. Now, it's time for the test, Syaoran-kun." He sent out a signal that he knew the boy would hear. It was a sort of reverberating voice that sounded in the recipients head and directed them to where they needed to be. Convenient when you lived in such a big house.

Honey hues looked up from the piano when he heard the summon and sighed, getting to his feet to head for his next 'failure'. Or at least he presumed, but he wasn't likely to give up before trying first. He announced himself before entering and took a seat in the empty chair, staring from the scale to the teacher. "What's this for?" he questioned, gesturing towards the tool.

"We're going to use it to speak to each other in a way that words cannot express." He reached an arm forward, cupping his hand just above the bowl so that his palm touch the point at the end of the arm of the scale. He then motion for Syaoran to do the same. "You and I will both be going, and we need to remain connected if we are to make the journey safely. First, clear your head of all thought until there is nothing but black. Then, open your chi to me. You've had training controlling your chi, so it shouldn't be too hard for you to do." He grinned reassuringly. "You'll be fine. This is more a learning exercise than a test."

There was more than obvious skepticism in his expression as he eyed the male and the item again before slowly reaching out to mimic his moves, clearing out his mind until there was nothing but darkness, something he was never comfortable with, but had no choice but to tolerate. "I'm ready..." he murmured.

This is going to feel strange. Eriol was now speaking entirely with his mind, conveying his thoughts rather than words. We're going to join together into one entity. In this world, actions mean nothing and your mind must remain clear. I cannot stress that enough. Keep it clear. Eriol then moved his spirit so that the two were pushed together. After he did so, he formed apparitions of himself and the boy. Since this is your first time, seeing with your mind is not going to be easy. We'll stick with visuals our first time through.

I already don't like this...was what came in reply as Syaoran stood there taking a moment to gather his surroundings, or lack-there-of. It started out slow at first, voices and images floating around them. Soon, the visage of his mother began to form in front of him, regal and judging.

Eriol stared, nonplussed. He felt only a little surprised that Yelan was the embodiment of Syaoran’s weaknesses in his own mind. For a moment he was expecting Sakura, or maybe even himself.

Her glare seemed to be boring into the brunette, pushing him down. Tell me, Xiao-lang…what is it that you have been doing all this time? Did you come to mend the garden on play in the flowers? Her face seemed bitter, as though she had tasted tasteless wine. What is the point if you’re going to fail? What is the point if you’re going to run away like a child before those that need protection?

N-no…I mean…Syaoran held his head, shaking it. Can’t you see I’m trying? Isn’t that the point of all of this?

Point? The point is that you will come back to us with some use, rather than a silly boy that throws incantations and spells around without knowing their proper use or strength. How can you, a mere boy, expect to protect anyone?

Her words filled the void as images of those he cared for flashed before them, causing him to stare in mild shock until the voices grew in strength and number. Soon, before him stood Sakura, the mistress of Clow, her face saddened.

Mother…why don’t you praise me for my efforts. Why is it that everything I do is mediocre and I can’t ever make you happy? Why can’t we just be like a normal father and son? I don’t want to fail; I don’t want to be weak, but where is the purpose in my life? Is it simply to love and protect Sakura? Was that my fate from the beginning? Did I not have a choice?

The regal woman seemed to scoff. Choice? Fate, Syaoran. Fate cannot be changed. How could you, a simple thread in the tapestry, argue with this thinking?

A thread? He looked at her with shame. That’s all I am? Is that all I am to you? Make it stop..I don't want to do this...he pleaded as he held his head while the image of Sakura stared at him mournfully before turning and walking away.

Sakura? He stared after her, upset. Am I the reason she feels sorrow and pain? Is she unhappy with me? Does she really love me or is there someone else that I am filling the void for? Am I just a substitute for the person she really loves? What about Tomoyo? She loves Sakura as much as I do, so, what if Sakura ends up loving her more than me? N-No...Stop...Please...No more...

Suddenly the visage of Eriol appeared. It wasn’t the real one, standing just behind him, but one of his own creation. He seemed to eye with a contemplative glance. Oh, Syaoran-kun. It’s quite obvious that you’ve developed a crush on me, what with your constant avoiding. I’m so much older than you though, and have had many lovers that can’t possibly be replaced by a silly boy like you.

The real image of Eriol felt himself jolt at the statements concerning him. He hadn't expected the boy to already be contemplating feelings of love for anyone other than Sakura, let alone for him. He grimaced. I've opened up more than intended.

But I don’t… Syaoran stared, horrified. I don’t…

Of course you don’t. That’s why we’re here. Because you feel nothing for me. He voice dripped with sarcasm.

Do-do I at least mean something to you?

Perhaps. Or, perhaps you are merely a tool in my plans. Can you trust me? Do I love you? Do you love me?

I…

You silly boy, you are in love with me. You’re just scared because you also love Sakura and can’t choose between us.

Stop.

You also feel that you’re not worthy of either of us. Or is it…you’re not worthy of love at all? Not worthy because you’re a failure who can’t choose between two people.

Stop.

And so, we enter a stalemate, where you pretend to hate me, but secretly love me but you also love Sakura, and you won’t choose, so you don’t have to punish yourself with a difficult decision. You sit there and tell me you hate being weak, and yet, here you have a decision of love and you can’t even make it?

S-stop. Syaoran could feel his resolve begin to fade as he dropped to his knees, shaking violently as tears streamed down his face, clutching his head tightly as he screamed and tried to force the images and the echoes to disappear. There was nothing he could do to stop it now, the floodgates were open and he was completely helpless to the waves of inner turmoil and despair that drowned him.

Voices. Voices all around him, sounding just like him, yet being of another entity echoed throughout.

I don’t want this anymore! Nothing I do is right! I’m not strong enough for anyone! I don’t deserve to love anyone…Why couldn’t I be a normal teenage boy?! Why was I chosen to suffer a fate like this, where life hangs in the balance and my purpose in this world holds not value? Why must I exist for the pleasure and entertainment of others? Why can’t I simply be accepted as just me? I don’t want to be something I’m not…so stop making me into something I‘ll never be. Don’t change me! I can’t change to be what you want me to be; I can only be what I know to be the true me! I’m a failure; I’m weak and pathetic…I can’t do anything for anyone. I don’t care anymore and I hate it! I…I don’t want to be alone…please…

The sound of the images shattering around him was almost as loud as the screams and accusations being thrown around, the shards cutting at him mercilessly as he knelt there screaming in pain, the voices now laughing and deliberately mocking him in his weak and pathetic state. The last of his control and the bottled emotions inside him came crashing down, his mind and spirit breaking into thousands of pieces like the images that cracked around him.

As the voices grew more violent, Eriol felt his own worry grow as well. He remained firm, refusing to intervene as long as Syaoran had control, though even that was lost as he felt the bowl on Syaoran's side fill with sand. The way the tool worked was that as one loses control in their mind the till is filled until it is weighed down too much and is about to break. Eriol felt his own side lift and Syaoran's became more weighted. Syaoran! Concentrate, and calm down! But the boy would not listen as his world crumbled around him, collapsing the weight of the world. Finally, and against his creed, he intervened. I won't lose you! He clapped his hands together as magic flowed through the space evaporating everything. Eriol woke up first, leaping from the seat and pulling Syaoran's hand away from the scale. It was stuck, still tugging at the guilt the boy had found in those illusions of his mind but Eriol finally managed to sever it. He then gripped Syaoran by his shoulders and shook, worry coloring his face. "Syaoran. Syaoran, please. Wake up!" He pulled the boy's shaking form to his chest.

At first there was no response, however, when he finally did reach reality again he let out a loud cry and held his head, feeling like it had been split open with an axe. Tremors coursed through him at an uncontrollable pace and he was hyperventilating on top of the tears that streamed heavily down his face. "Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, STOP!!" he repeated and threw his arms around Eriol, holding onto him in a compelling grip, as if he would die if he let go of the taller boy, his face burying itself in his chest as he wept openly, hands clutching the back of his clothing until his knuckles turned white.

Eriol felt the boy's weight against his chest as he was wracked with worry but also a bit of relief. At least Syaoran had come out of it. That was the best he could hope for. "I'm sorry.
I had no idea you had that much bottled up. If I had known I would have taken it much slower." He ran a hand through the boy's hair before pulling him closer and stood up. He felt a strange sense taking over. It was something that could be called matronly, but it felt more like how someone would dote on their hurt lover. The mage raised one arm, snapping his fingers so that they were taken to his bedroom. Later he would berate himself for not taking the boy to the place he was sleeping, but at the time his mind had been focused too much on worry to care. He laid Syaoran on the bed before placing his hand on the boy’s face. "Sleep, for now. Just a few hours." He paused before leaning. "And don't worry; I'm right here." It was the truth as he climbed onto the other side of the bed and propped himself up, thinking of the previous moments that had occurred.

Only when he was laid down did Syaoran’s grip loosen. His laments soon fell to nothing more than uneven breaths as he slept, the semi-peacefulness of it lasting maybe an hour. Eriol, on the other hand had been deep in thought and even contemplated contacting her and asking for advice. Well, not advice, but council; another opinion. It was when Syoaran began tossing and turning fitfully that Eriol was hit with the proper solution. He felt his spectacled eyes widen when his hand was grasped so desperately.

The mage mentally kicked himself as a few rogue tears slide down the boy’s pain-stricken face, as he buried himself under the blankets.

"Syaoran..." The mage’s tone was almost sad as he reached down and woke the boy from his dreaming, sparing the warrior from more torment. His face was close so that their breath mingled. He didn't want to admit it, but seeing Syaoran in so much pain killed him. Damn you, Clow. Damn you and your latent sympathies.

They did not remain that way for long as Syaoran violently awakened and gasped, almost going into a panic until he realized where he was and who he was with. The images were gone and that was all that mattered, but what seemed to scare him the most now was...everything was out in the open and he could no longer hide behind his façade. Confused ambers peered into sapphires before he sat up quickly and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head still trembling and wishing it was all just a bad dream.

Eriol sat on his knees as he watched the brunette move to the edge of the bed. "Syaoran..." He had been mulling the experience over in his head and one thing had stuck in his mind. "Is the reason you've been avoiding me because you find yourself having feelings for me? Are you worried about what that means with you and Sakura? Or are you afraid you've betrayed yourself by falling for the enemy?" He moved forward until he was against the boy's back, lacing his fingers through Syaoran's chocolate hair. Going into his descendant's mind was supposed to be an exercise in opening up and strengthening the boy against his own psychological pitfalls. He hadn't expected so many revelations or bottled up guilt to pervade. The two of them had become closer in one afternoon than most people might expect to be after a lifetime, because of that.

Syaoran didn't answer at first, having tensed up to the touch though it gradually relaxed him. He wasn't sure he wanted to answer or even how to answer. There was a few minutes of silence a he considered his words before sighing shakily as he tried to clear his head though the psychological attack left him emotionally drained. "It's not just feelings...I...I think I might…" he whispered in an almost inaudible tone, not able to finish the statement, turning his head away from the other for he didn't think he could look the magician in the eyes.

"I know you're not in love with me. I'm part of some plan you have. I think I might feel the same for you as I do for Sakura…maybe...and, I don't even know if my love is genuine or if she's doing this out of sympathy for me...” He scoffed. “Hell, maybe it's pity. Tomoyo was there before me after all." He didn't feel the desire to deny anything that he knew for sure, though his feelings were confused even to himself. Lying was not possible now that the mage had personally taken a step into his mind.

Eriol couldn't stop the grin that came to his face and felt his hands tremble. No, no, not after what just happened. You've waited this long, Eriol. He shifted before sitting down on the bed, propping himself up on his palms. "In love with me, eh? For a stubborn person, you certainly have a lot of love to give." He chuckled. "And I really wish you wouldn't think so ill of me. 'All a part of my plan'? I'm not that cold and heartless. And as for reciprocated feelings, well...I'll let you figure that one out. For now, you should eat a good meal and meditate. Clear your mind and focus on positive energy. That way you won't have a restless sleep." Eriol could barely contain himself throughout the speech. A smile kept peeking through, revealing how happy Eriol was that his plans had moved so fast.

The warrior couldn't even muster a glare for the other boy's cockiness over the confession and sighed instead, rubbing his face as stubborn tears threatened to form. "Tease and make fun of me all you want, it's not like I have anything left to hide. Or can hide. I'm in no state to decipher your riddles either..." he muttered, gaining back at least a little of that snappy attitude he usually wore. The suggestion of food and meditation definitely sounded good, though, so he stood, only to sway and hold his head with one hand, groaning as the room spun before forcing it to stay still.
Eriol stood, placing a hand on the boy's shoulder as he stumbled.

Pausing Syaoran, regarded the mage. "Hnn...What do you intend to do with me now that you've broken down my barriers?"

"I plan on doing everything else. Breaking your barriers was the first important step. Now your real training can begin. But first," He motioned. "Food. Meditation. Sleep." His smile was full, and he was unable to put it away. As the boy left the room he felt it fade. So much to work on, it's almost daunting. Still, in time he just may come to understand me like I understand him.

The task was just beginning.

Ending Note: Hnn…why is Eriol resisting temptation? Is there something he’s hiding? Why does Syaoran have a crush on the mage? Is it like with Yukito, or is it genuine? -shrugs-

J/K, we know the truth. Keep reading and you’ll find it out as well.

Final notes: The title of the chapter comes from a Sirenia song called ‘My Mind’s Eye’.

R&R my little hentai bunnies!

-Sniffits & Toy