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Tell the Northern Lights to Keep Shining	By : QueenHimiko Category: +S to Z > Slayers Views: 3352 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the Slayers, I make no profit.

Chapter List
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AN: Chapter title is from "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia

Lina had gotten some sleep the previous night. Sure, she had had to exhaust herself by sorting treasure to do so, but she had attained it. And she had woken safe and unharmed. It felt good to know that she could reach sleep on her own. The look of relief that swiftly passed through Gourry’s face when she came down for breakfast that morning annoyed her, but by the time that breakfast was demolished it was forgotten.

The day was sunny and pleasant, much like the previous one. Lina’s mood alternated between calm to irritated to angry in a heartbeat. Gourry made a few attempts at conversation but gave up after bearing the brunt of her temper one too many times. They walked in awkward silence until the sun grew high in the sky and they decided to find a place to have lunch.

As they were leaving the road to find a spot to spread a picnic blanket, Lina heard a gasping sound coming from the bushes. She reached out to grab Gourry’s arm and pointed towards them. He shook his head, “Leave it be.” He whispered.

“Someone could be hurt!” she hissed back as she carefully walked towards them, hand on her sword. When she reached them she pulled the foliage back and felt a blush creep to her cheeks.

The man was flat on his back. But it was not in pain that his face contorted into. His eyes were closed as he gasped in pleasure, his hands up and cupping his lover’s breasts. She was on top, a picture of sexual ecstasy as her brown hair fell around her waist as she straddled him, slowly moving up and down him, the look of pleasure he wore mirrored on her own face. Lina quickly let the foliage drop and walked as fast as she could back to Gourry, who looked stunned that the lovers were not roasted pieces of charcoal.

Without saying a word they both took off on the road. “I guess we’ll get a bit further before we have lunch.” He said.

She nodded. “How did you know?”

“The smell.” He said.

She was quiet for a minute before asking, “Have you ever…?”

“Ever what?”

“You know what!” she said as she blushed.

“Taken someone to my bed?” he asked.

She nodded as she looked at the forest.

“Yes.” He said quietly.

“Who?” she asked.

“Local women in places I passed through. I thought it would make me feel better about losing my family. It didn’t. Then there was a woman who fought in my unit. I thought we had something. But when she found out about the Sword of Light she wanted it for herself.”

“She was the merc who tried to kill you for it?” Lina shouted.

He nodded. “Damn!” she said. “Let me guess, you wouldn’t have told me you owned it until that monster we ran into forced your hand.”

He nodded again. “You really took a risk.” She pointed out.

He nodded in agreement. “Sometimes you get stabbed in the back, but I figure you still have to trust someone. Besides, it was use it or be killed.” A moment of silence passed before he changed the topic. “I must say, though, I’m surprised you didn’t fireball those lovers.”

“Why would I do that?” she asked, a bit surprised by his change of subject.

“For insulting your maidenly innocence.”

She stopped in her tracks, feeling as though she had been punched in the gut. “What did you say?”

He stopped, wondering what he had said wrong. He opened his mouth to speak but was cut off as she continued. “Did you really forget?”

“Forget what?” he asked.

Lina felt as though she was going to explode, “That night! I’m not a maiden anymore!”

He still looked confused, “But that was rape.”

Lina wondered if he was that stupid. “I’m still not a maiden anymore! I was pregnant!”

“But just because someone is run through by a sword, it doesn’t make them a swordsman. But you can still be just as dead.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she screamed.

“That they are two different things.” He said calmly, as if explaining the obvious to a small child.

“They may be but someone was still there, inside of me!” she protested, “They took it from me!”

His eyes narrowed, “Took what?”

“My first time!”

“Was what happened to you like what you saw that couple doing?” he asked.

Her eyes widened. “No…”

“Then you still haven’t had it yet.” He said as he continued down the road. After a moment he heard her footsteps behind him.

She kept her eyes on the ground, mulling over everything. She had been held down, and when she still wouldn’t cooperate they had put a weapon to her throat. The brunette’s arms were free, her neck uncut. She had felt pain and humiliation. The brunette looked to be fully enjoying herself and radiated pleasure. She had laid there like a ragdoll as her body was violated. The brunette was a full and active participant.

But the similarities were just as glaring. They had both been naked. They had both been joined with someone. And either way neither of them were no longer untouched. Lina had always wanted to be touched by only one man. It was important to her that the man she would spend her life with be the first to touch her, to explore her and enter her. Now that that had been brutally taken away, whoever she would be with would have to contend with the fact that not just one but three men had been there first. She felt disgusted at the thought.

“Doesn’t change the fact that I’ve been touched. I’m still used goods, impure.” She said quietly, a defeated tone to her voice.

“But the shrine maidens in my town were still allowed to continue performing their duties after they were attacked.”

“What?” Lina asked, not sure where that had come from.

“Right before I left home the temple in my town was invaded and a lot of the shrine maidens were raped. There was a big stir about whether or not they were pure enough to continue to serve at the temple after what happened. All of the families had a daughter or sister or cousin or someone blood related there so everyone was really vocal about their beliefs.”

“You mean the Temple of Nediam incident?” she asked. Well, after all this time at least she finally knew where he was from.

“Yes. You heard about it?”

“Who hasn’t? The Head Priest caused quite a stir when he said that they were still maidens and were still pure enough to serve there. Everyone at the Sorcerer’s Guild was talking about it.”

“So if the Priest said that the maidens were still pure enough then why aren’t you still pure or whatever?”

“Plenty of people disagreed with him!” Lina yelled.

“Did you?”

“I didn’t give a damn!” she said, “It was their own bad luck for getting raped in the first place. Why should I have cared?” She took a deep breath before adding, “I didn’t think it could happen to me!”

Suddenly she felt a tremendous amount of shame for her previous lack of empathy. It pressed heavily on her heart and she started to slow down. “Why don’t we find a place to spread a picnic basket?” he asked.

She nodded, though she doubted that she could eat. Mechanically she followed him off the path. When he found a nice clearing she got the blanket out of her mantle and spread it on the ground, followed by the food. They ate in silence, far more slowly than they usually did. Lina felt a huge lump in her throat that did not go away no matter how much she swallowed. When they had finished Gourry asked, “Say Lina, I’ve slept with several different woman. Does that make me used goods?”

“You’re a man!” Lina screamed, “You’re supposed to do that! What type of a naïve idiot are you anyway? They touched me! They entered me! You can never be the first to do that now! I let it get away!”

She took a deep breath and was going to say more, but all that came out was a sob. He put a hand on her shoulder and she buried her face into his chest as she cried. When her sobs died down he said quietly, “I don’t want to pressure you, but I can still be the first there that you want there. And that would be better than what they had. I don’t see you as used goods or any of that bull shit. And anyone who really loves you would feel the same.”

She lay against him as she blinked the water from her eyes, the sense of loss leaving her as numbness pervaded. Slowly his words permeated her consciousness. Strangely it hurt even more to hear them, and she wasn’t sure why.

***

“Have you been traveling with that lady for long?” the innkeeper asked as Gourry approached the desk.

“A few years.” Gourry replied.

“You should be safe then. You’d better beware, there’s a murderess out on the loose.”

“Oh?” Gourry asked, wondering if there might be a job for Lina and him.

“Back in Sevas. Some sorceress seduced three men and then gutted one with an ax and slit the throats of the other two. Ran out of town before she could be caught. But the bitch didn’t know that one of them was the son of the Duke of Semaj. Now she’s got quite the bounty on her head.”

A sense of disquiet settled in Gourry’s bones as he said, “Sounds pretty serious.”

“And that’s not the kicker.”

“Oh?” Gourry said.

“Rumor has it that the sorceress is none other than the walking force of destruction herself, Lina Inverse.”

Gourry felt the bottom of his stomach drop. “One room.” He said. He didn’t care what Lina would say. If someone had put a bounty on her head he wasn’t letting her out of his sight.

He quickly paid and got the key and went into the dining area to find Lina and make some noise about getting room service so that he could break it to her before she overheard it. “Hey,” he said as he sat down and put the key on the table, his voice dying as he saw the look on her face.

It was as if someone had drained the blood out of her, leaving her ghostly pale. Her eyes were wide with panic and watery. Already he could see the tears pooling within. She was biting her lip as her hands shook. He could tell she was listening intently to something, and it didn’t take long to figure out what.

“They were such nice men, too. The innkeeper’s son was married to a nice woman. He would never have strayed. That witch must have cast some hell of a spell on him!”

“Wow, but why would she do that?”

“Well, she’s supposed to be butt ugly. Supposedly the slut flirted with all of the men in the inn with no takers before resorting to such devious tricks. No tits and huge moles on her forehead. The only way she must have been able to get a man would be by casting a spell on him.”

“That makes sense but why kill them?”

“So no one could tell the gruesome tale of having to fuck her?”

There was a round of laughter and Lina stood up. Gourry felt his hand go down to his sword. If she said anything there would be trouble. She would betray her identity and there would be a scuffle to hand her in for what was most likely a handsome bounty. Without a word she grabbed the key and headed towards the stairs.

“It would be just like the Dragon Spooker to slay a man after she fucks him! She’s like a praying mantis that one!” one of the men said with a laugh.

“That’s not funny! Three good men are dead!”

Gourry followed her, and thankfully their voices faded as they got closer to their room. She found it easily enough, but her hands were shaking so hard she had a difficult time putting the key in. Eventually she got the door open and walked straight to the bed as he closed and locked it behind them. She knelt beside the bed, grabbed the chamber pot that was under it and threw up.

Gourry knelt beside her and put a hand on her shoulder. She trembled as she wiped her mouth with her glove. “I did flirt.” She said mechanically, her voice oddly lifeless. “I flirted. But only with one person. I flirted with you. We were both drunk. It seemed like the right thing to do. And then we went to our rooms. I don’t think you wanted to progress so fast when we were drunk, and I was tired.”

She suddenly grabbed his arm so tightly that any comment he made died in his throat. Her voice became more tense as she continued, “I went to sleep. I’m not sure how much time passed, but I woke up when they slapped me. There was a gag in my mouth so I couldn’t cast spells. They had pulled my nightgown over my head so I couldn’t see. I tried to struggle but they were holding down my arms.”

The queasiness in his stomach expanded. He felt a hand grip his heart. He did not want to know the details of that night. It was bad enough knowing it happened, but knowing the hows was too much. It was too painful to listen to! “You don’t have to explain.” He said, “I believe you.”

“I have to set the record straight!” she yelled as her grip on his arm tightened, “What they said down there, that’s not what happened! They said I wanted it! That I started it! That I raped them! I didn’t!”

Her voice rose in alarm and he moved his hand from her shoulder and put it on top of the hand that was gripping his arm. He was sure there would be a bruise in the morning, but he knew he could handle it. Just like her could handle hearing her story. “Then set it straight.” He said quietly as he braced himself.

“It was three against one. I tried to struggle, but I was so disoriented. They said that as drunk as I got and as much as I was flirting I must have wanted someone to join me! They called me a slut, and told me I could open my legs and cooperate and they would make it feel good, but if I continued fighting they would make it hurt.”

She sniffed and took a deep breath, “I kept fighting, and I must have given one of them a good kick. I did something to piss them off because they told me I’d just made it a lot worse for myself.”

She took a deep breath as she blinked away tears from her eyes. More continued to fill them. “Then they put an ax to my throat. He pressed it hard enough to draw blood, but not enough to do real damage. I stopped fighting. They told me they would kill me if I didn’t spread them. I didn’t want to die!”

Her breathing became raspy as she choked, “I should have let them kill me rather than…”

He squeezed her hand as fear shot through him. Lina never talked like that! “Don’t say that!”

She shuddered, “I should have let them kill me, but I parted them because I was too scared. They were touching me, making fun of me! I realized one was inside of me and I wanted to push him off but I didn’t want to cut myself on the ax so I stayed still. It hurt. I was in agony and I was too scared to move. When the first one finished they cut my nightgown off because they said they wanted to see my face. Then there was the second one, but I kept looking at the one with the ax because it scared me so much. Then the third…”

Her voice was drowned by sobs. Gourry’s own sight was blurry with his own tears. Guilt rose within him as he listened to her, mired with helplessness. After all that she meant to him how could he have not been there for her? And why was there nothing he could do now to make it better? How could he help her take the pain away?

She collected herself enough to continue, “Once the third one had finished I thought it was over, but they each went again! I didn’t know men could do it more than once a night! I didn’t think I could go through it again, but I kept looking at the ax and I knew I had to.

“They were drinking the whole time. After the second round they had a hard time getting it up, but they found other ways until they could. It hurt so much, but the ax! They were drinking, they were drunk! The ax kept nipping my neck and there was so much blood running down my throat, I was scared I was going to bleed to death or that he was going to pass out and decapitate me! And it was pressed so tightly to my throat that if I moved I was scared I was going to behead myself!

“The one holding it to my throat, he passed out and I grabbed the ax and I swung it in the stomach of the one whose turn it was. I killed them, and I don’t regret it. I’d do it again! Hell, I wish they were alive so I could kill them again and make it just as painful as what they put me through!”

He was shaking. What the hell do you say after hearing that? He felt alarmingly helpless. He desperately wanted to find the words to say that would make it right. But there were none. She took a deep breath and let go of his arm. “Thanks for listening.” She said as she stood up and ran a hand through her hair. On more than one occasion she had impressed him with her ability to pull herself together remarkably fast. This was one of those.

She took off her mantle as he stood up. Suddenly she sat on the bed, a look of horror on her face. “Lina?” he asked.

“My parents! My folks back home! My Sis keeps tabs of me. Dammitt, Gourry, they’re going to find out!” she said as she put a hand around her mouth, “They can’t find out! What am I going to do?”

He stared at her, paralyzed with the knowledge that he had no solutions she would like. Why couldn’t he do more for her? “They must hear rumors about you all of the time. They have to know a lot aren’t true.” He offered feebly.

She acted as though she hadn’t heard him, “I should have let them cut my throat!”

Her statement chilled him to the core as the image of him going to her room that morning and finding her naked, blood stained and dead on the bed assaulted him. His alarm grew as she continued, “My folks can’t know! Sis will say I should have died rather than let them violate me.”

Her voice was rising in pitch as panic consumed her. Gourry stared at her forlornly as he felt the situation spiral rapidly out of his control. “What am I going to do?” she shrieked.

He was getting scared that someone might overhear them from the hallway. “May be you should tell them before they hear it from someone else with the wrong story.” He said.

“You idiot! That’s crazy!”

“You didn’t want me to know. Why?”

“I didn’t want you to think it was my fault or think I was weak or damaged goods…”

“And I know and I don’t!” he hissed. “Anyone who really cares about you wouldn’t. Get that through your head!”

She stared at him blankly as she whispered, “I don’t want to feel this way anymore! I want it to be over, I’m tired of this, it keeps getting worse and worse…”

The defeatist tenor to her words left him petrified. And he hadn’t even told her about the bounty. Did she know? She needed to, but he was scared of contributing to the downward spiral she was already careening on.

“Why are you still here?” she asked, “You should go to your room and get some rest.”

“My room is here.” He explained, “Only one room tonight, Lina.”

“No!” she said, “No, they’re calling me a slut, we can’t share a room…”

“They don’t know you’re here!” he pointed out, “And I can sleep on the floor, but we’re stuck with each other for the night.”

She stared at the door as her jaw dropped, “Then go take a bath or something, just get out of here!”

Something about her need for alone time combined with her earlier statements was building a growing sense of disquiet within him. “What are you planning?”

She turned to face him, fire burning in her eyes, “It’s none of your business, just get the hell out of here before I kick you out!”

“Lina, you’re scaring me.” He stated, “Just tell me what you plan to do.”

She charged at him and brought her arms up. He prepared himself to deflect her blow, but instead she wrapped her arms around him tightly, “I don’t want to feel this way anymore!” she said as she lowered them slowly down his body, “I’m tired of feeling angry all the time, I just want it to go away!”

She stood up on her toes as her hands caressed his bottom. Usually he would have found it arousing as she moved forward, obviously to kiss him. But after hearing the details of that night, he was feeling far from turned on. He took a step back and put his hands on her shoulders. “Lina, after you kissed me you couldn’t talk to me for a whole day without shouting.”

She looked up at him, stricken as she wrapped her arms around her stomach, “I don’t want to feel this way anymore! Please, make this go away!”

He reached a hand out to stroke her cheek, wishing that there was more that he could do. “Sometimes we just have to feel, even if it is painful. And I know that you’re strong enough to feel it and get through it.”

She stared at him as though betrayed before turning away and taking off her mantle and letting it drop to the floor. She kicked off her boots and lay on the bed. She thought about saying to hell with it, to get raging drunk. At least if she was drunk she wouldn’t give a damn. She thought about casting a sleeping spell on Gourry and running off to the Outer World. And if she had to be really honest with herself, she thought about casting a sleeping spell on him and then ending it for her. And that was when she knew she had really sunken to a new low, if she was even contemplating that.

She felt sick. The bed became taught as Gourry sat on it beside her and stroked her arm. “Gourry?” she asked.

“Yes?”

“You can hold me if you want.”

There was a pause. “Is that what you want?”

“Yes.”

Another pause followed. “Sometimes in the morning when men wake up we’re hard. It goes away on its own after a while. It’s just I don’t want to scare you with anything.”

“You won’t. It’s okay.” She said.

Slowly he lay behind her, her back to his chest, and wrapped an arm around her. She closed her eyes and fought against the anger and despair she was feeling. Gradually a sense of numbness grew within her, allowing her to drift into a troubled sleep. When she woke she could hear him snoring lightly. Her stomach grumbled, a reminder that she had not had dinner. She sat up, waking him in the process.

“Lina?” he asked.

“What?”

“How are you feeling?”

She sighed, “Like I’ve been dragged through a cactus patch by a team of wild horses.”

“What are you planning to do?”

“Mission hasn’t changed. We’ll reach Rolat tomorrow. Or is tomorrow today?”

She noticed him relax a little, but not completely. “Lina, there’s something I have to tell you.”

“What?” she asked tiredly.

He put a hand on her shoulder as he said, “The innkeeper said that one of the men was the son of a duke, and that the duke has put a bounty on your head.”

She laughed. “Great, this keeps getting better, doesn’t it? I just can’t catch a break.”

“What are we going to do about it?”

She laid down, “Damned if I know. We’ll deal with that as it comes.”

He stared at her incredulously, “Lina, this is serious!”

“Don’t you think I know that?”

“We’re going to need help to deal with this.”

“Huh?”

“That girl who gives the justice speeches.”

“Amelia?”

“She has resources. She can stop the duke.”

“I can too with a fast Dragon Slave. Let him come after me, I’d love the chance to take on the man who spawned that monster!”

“This is serious!”

“And so am I! I’m not going to Seyruun and telling Amelia anything. I don’t want her to know, and I definitely don’t want Phil to know. You were right. Whatever they hear about me they’ll think is just some nasty rumor someone with a grudge started. If I go to Seyruun, they’ll know.”

“The way you want to keep it a secret, it seems like you think it is your shame to bear.” He pointed out.

Irritation ran through her as she laid back down. “Because it is. Now I’m tired. Goodnight.”

How can I show you that it’s not? he wondered.
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Tell the Northern Lights to Keep Shining