X - Haunted

= Haunted = Chapter 4 = Walk the Walk =

by Katalyst

Obligatory Disclaimer: CLAMP owns X. I make no claims to it. In fact, if I owned it, it probably wouldn\'t have made it past the first manga. >.>

Note for this chapter: Information about Subaru\'s family taken from Ueno Park (http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Ginza/5681/) Anything not on that page, I made up. Subaru\'s past is so undetailed. :E

Xin and Colin, thanks for the beta-reading! ^^

Also, announcement. Anyone who would like to be notified when I update, I\'ve got a mailing list now! ^^ check the updates page for the link ^^

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Kazuhiko once asked me about my family. I remember I was lying in his arms after sex, and he just asked, out of the blue. I was falling asleep, but he was irritatingly awake, probably having taken some bizarre and potentially deadly combination of drugs.

The questtooktook me by surprise. He and I were not accustomed to talking, to sharing details about our lives. In fact, I don\'t think I ever heard his family name.

It took me a good while to answer. I frowned, and the silence stretched between us. Finally, I sighed, shifted slightly in his arms, stared at the wall.

\"My family... is very traditional.\" I paused, waiting for him to leap in, to babble about his own family, or against traditionalists, or start insulting me. He was silent, but I felt him nod.

\"I suppose you know the story,\" I continued after a moment. \"It\'s a relatively popular one. My family is one of those large, ttiontional clans. They\'ve got all those stereotypical things too, ancient superstitions, rituals... the family profession, rules of marriage and propriety and all kinds of irritatingly obscure things.\"

He chuckled. \"Sounds harsh. How did your parents meet?\"

\"They were high-school sweethearts. They married young, right after graduation. But mother... she never really... fit in, I guess. She had trouble adjusting to the traditions of the clan, her family was very progressive, many of them were American. One of my earliest memories of her was an argument they all had over our training. I remember that she was terribly beautiful.\"

~ My mother spent 10 years sitting by a window
~ Scared if she spoke she would die of a heart attack
~ She listened as her dreams silently screamed
~ They drowned like little dolphins caught in a fishnet

\"Our?\" his query made my breath catch. I had forgotten that he didn\'t know.

\"My twisterster, Hokuto.\" I kept oiceoice carefully neutral.

~ Dear world I\'m pleased to meet you

\"Why was your mother against your training?\"

I shrugged. \"I suppose she didn\'t really believe in it. And she probably wanted us to make our own decisions about it. I don\'t know much about her. Both my parents died when I was very young.\"

~ Hey everybody when you walk the walk
~ You gotta back it all up you gotta talk the talk
~ Hey everybody when I hear the knock
~ Don\'t wanna measure out my life to the tick of a clock

\"How did they die?\" Kazuhiko\'s voice was soft, his breath on my neck tickled. I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment. He was warm, and his arm around me was somehow comforting.

\"My father... He was murdered. An unsolved case, according to the police.\"

\"Shit...\" his voice was awed. \"Your mother too?\"

~ Hey everybody when my daddy died
~ He had a sad sad story written in his eyes
~ Hey everybody when you walk the walk
~ You cannot measure out your life to the tick of a clock

\"No. Mother - she just sort of slipped away after that. She died shortly after he did. Hokuto and I were sent to live with Grandmother, in Kyoto.\"

He made a sound of disgust. \"So you got to live with the cold old bitch, eh?\"

The comment made me angry, and I had to remind myself that he had no idea what he was talking about.

\"Grandmother was wonderful to us both. She could be a bit strict, but we always knew that she loved us, even though it was sometimes hard for her to show it. And the training - I didn\'t mind it. She had to have an heir, after all, and it made her happy.\"

That seemed to throw him, he lapsed into a thoughtful silence. I sighed in relief and relaxed, closing my eyes again. I was tired.

~ I wanna walk to the beat of my own drum
~ I wanna walk to the beat of my own drum

Just as I was drifting off to sleep, he asked the one question that I had been trying to avoid. \"What happened to your sister? Man, I didn\'t even know you -had- a sister. Where\'ve you been hiding her?\"

I twisted in his arms, to catch the back of his head, pull his mouth to mine desperately. He was getting too close.

~ Hey everybody
~ Can you walk the walk you gotta back it all up
~ But can you talk the talk
~ Hey everybody
~ Can you walk the walk?

I had never initiated things between us before. I think I surprised him. I know I surprised myself, but I didn\'t want to think about her, or her murder, and above all, didn\'t want him to know. He broke the kiss off with an irritated growl and tried to push me away. I caught his wrists as his hands pushed at me, forced them back down to the bed. Kissed him again, deeply, nipping at his lips.

~ I wanna walk to the beat of my own drum
~ (Say what, whatcha want?)
~ I wanna walk to the beat of my own drum
~ (Say what, whatcha want?)

He started kissing me back, pulling from my grip to roll us over, take control. I let him. I was exhausted.

The rest of the night went by in something of a haze. I only dimly registered the things Kazuhiko did to my body. But then, life had begun doing that lately... it was becoming hard to distinguish reality from dreams.

~ I wanna walk to the beat of my own drum
~ I wanna live to the beat of my own drum
~ I wanna take to the beat of my own drum
~ I wanna hang ten, high, say pleased to meet you
~ Gup tup to the beat of my own drum
~ I wanna sing to the beat of my own drum
~ I wanna fly, cry, win, lose, live, die, take five
~ Pleased to meet you

He finally dozed off next to me. I closed my eyes, and they burned. I was unbelievably tired, but I knew I wouldn\'t be able to sleep.

I watched him as he slept, hating hior wor what he was making me into, even as I knew it wasn\'t his fault. I was fully aware of all of my choices. Why did I still let him stay? What was I doing here?

It had been months since I saw my grandmother last.

~ My daddy spent 10 years living on the outside looking in
~ He thought that he would never get back
~ Watched his dream walk across a silver screen
~ And he was standing there when the theatre went pitch black

I should visit her again. I wondered vaguely how she was doing. We barely talked anymore. Sometimes she asked me how I was. I never answered her. I didn\'t want to hurt her with the truth.

~ Dear w I\' I\'m pleased to meet you

I got up, shivering, gathered up some clothes, and took them into the bathroom. I turned the sr onr on as hot as I could stand, then just - stood there, closing my eyes under the water until it turned icy, letting it run over me, clear my mind.

~ Hey everybody when I walk the walk
~ I gotta back it all up I\'ve gotta talk the talk
~ Hey everybody when I hear the knock
~ Don\'t wanna measure out my life to the tick of a clock

I didn\'t want him here. I never did. I wanted him gone. Having him here made everything just a little bit harder. I had to get rid of him. He was using me - and perhaps I was using him too, but I didn\'t really need him and I didn\'t want him.

I turned the water off, dried myself off. I was shivering, and my exhaustion hit me again. I pulled the clothes on, more out of coldness and a desire to not go back to bed naked than a sense of modesty.

~ Hey everybody--can you walk the walk?

I slid back in next to Kazuhiko. I\'d kick him out in the morning. After I had slept some.

~ I wanna walk to the beat of my own drum
~ (Say what, whatcha want?)
~ I wanna walk to the beat of my own drum
~ (Say what, whatcha want?)
~ I wanna live to the beat of my own drum
~ I wanna laugh to the beat of my own drum
~ I wanna play to the beat of my own drum
~ I a haa hang ten, high, say pleased to meet you

Kazuhiko moaned beside me, and I turned to watch his eyes flutter open. He cocked a half-smile at me. I just stared at him, entranced at how distorted his face looked. He reached out towards me. No... past me, to the bottle of pills he had left next to the futon. His hand shook.

~ I wanna screw up to the beat of my own drum
~ I wanna take it out of town and do it to my drum

I stared at the pills for a second, trying to mentally calculate how stoned he already was. Then I picked them up, and tossed them to Kazuhiko, who clumsily tried to catch them, scrambling for the bottle when it got away from him.

His hands fumbled on the childproof lid, barely managing to wrench it open and spill out a handful of pills. He tossed a few down his throat and more down his chest. With a slurred sentence that could have been \"thank you\" but was probably something less polite, he slumped back into unconsciousness with an angelic smile.

~ Scream, shout
~ Wipe out
~ Make love to my baby

I watched him as he slept, counted his breaths till I ran out of numbers. Watched them grow slower and slower... until I couldn\'t watch anymore, until I had to turn away. I went to the kitchen and made myself some tea. I didn\'t drink it, I stared at it.

~ It\'s a woful ful idea, but it doesn\'t work.

I must have spend hours in the kitchen, sitting at the table, and staring blankly at the s. s. It was difficult to think.

My phone rang twice. One left a message, about a job in Kyoto. I called them back, made an appointment, got the details, and directions. Made notes in my calendar.

~ My drum - My beat

It was some time before I went back into the room. By that time, Kazuhiko\'s body was colder than the tea I had poured.

~ Hey did you ever get the feeling that it\'s really a joke
~ You think you\'ve got it figured out and then you find that you don\'t
~ So you say goodbye to the world and now you\'re floating in space
~ You got no sense of nothing not even a time or a place
~ Then suddenly you hear it it\'s the beat of your heart
~ And for the first time in your life you know your life is about to start

When the police came, they took my silence for distress. One of them tried to offer me the name of a good counselor. Another tried to offer me his phone number. I shrugged them off, hurried them out.

As soon as they were gone, I called Grandmother and arranged to stay with her at thtatetate while I was in town. The next day, I would put in my notice on the apartment.

~ I wanna walk to the beat of my own drum

I spread out the newspaper, looking at the housing ads. One caught my eye, and I circled it. It would be nice to live next to the park again. It was almost spring.

~ There\'s someone knocking in the wall
~ Was it like an echo?
~ ...ba da pa pa