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Learning to Land	By : Suteishichic Category: Prince of Tennis/Tennis no Ohjisama > General Views: 11419 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Prince of Tennis (Tennis no Ohjisama), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Learning to Land. Chapter Forty Nine ~Shishido~

Warnings: Yaoi, Love, Angst, Fluff, and Lots of Sex. Some kink. You've been warned ;)

Disclaimer: Nope not mine. Still in my dreams. ;)

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"Choutarou?" Shishido asked and smiled, "Would you still like me to answer your first question? Because I thought of something, something no one else knows, at least not anyone here. But if I tell you something no one else here knows, will you tell me something no one else knows?"

Ohtori looked as if he was struggling to figure out if his curiosity was stronger than his desire at the moment. "Yes please, Shishido-san. Tell me, if you want to."

Ohtori settled down with his head in his hand resting on his elbow again. He kept his other hand on Shishido's hip with his fingers reaching under Shishido's shirt to touch the naked skin on his back lightly. Shishido lay on his side facing him and rested his head on his pillow with his right arm between them. He flipped his hair out of his face and then laid his left hand on Ohtori's hip. He felt a small tag on his sleep pants there and Shishido played with it with his fingers.

"Well you already know about what I did to get back at them for graduation." Shishido saw in the dim light Ohtori's grin as he remembered. Shishido smiled too, glad to have someone else know and share in that misadventure. "My family knows about what I'm going to tell you of course, but I don't think anyone here does. I trust you not to tell anyone." Ohtori nodded.

Shishido went to go on but caught himself in time, "At...Our Vice Captain knows nearly everything about everyone on the team. He even hired a private investigator to check out the freshmen before they came here this year, but I think even he doesn't know this about me. I never told him and my family never talks about it."

Shishido found himself surprised to be hesitating to say this. It wasn't a big deal or anything but still, he was hesitating. "Sorry, I just never told anyone this before and am not really sure to start. It's really nothing big." He sighed and shrugged. "When I was born, I was a twin. We were born months premature and my twin brother only lived a few minutes."

Ohtori was looking at him with his jaw open in shock. Shishido didn't know why people would make a big deal about this but he had always had an instinct to never tell it to anyone because they might react badly like this. "Were you fraternal twins?" Ohtori asked.

"Nope. Identical." Shishido shrugged. It was normal to him because he had always grown up knowing.

"What happened? Why did he...?" Shishido noticed Ohtori didn't say the word die almost as if he couldn't.

He decided to tell Ohtori everything, at least about this. "I asked my Mom when I was little and found out other things when I was older. My Mom suffered from depression after having us pretty badly. She was too sick to even visit me in the hospital and I was in there for months. My Dad came sometimes but it was hard. My parents' marriage was frowned upon because my Dad is poor, so they really don't have any other family. My older brother was young, he's only a little over a year older than me, my Mom was sick at home, and my Dad had to care for everyone."

Shishido shrugged. "My Mom told me that my brother was stillborn and that it was my fault. She said I developed normally and took all the food and oxygen and he didn't get any."

Ohtori looked shocked so Shishido explained. "Well, you have to understand my Mom. She and my Dad met here, at Hyoutei. My Mom is perfect and from a perfect and very wealthy family. A lot of money and power. My Mom fell in love with someone here in high school and it ended badly. My Dad had always loved her and eventually they got married although he had no money or any kind of name. My parents really do love each other. My Dad really loves my Mom and will do anything for her. My Mom though, she grew up...very spoiled. She is used to getting her way and everything being perfect. She can't stand when things aren't perfect. So when that happened and things were really bad, she needed someone to blame. So she's always blamed me." Shishido shrugged, "I guess I was just a tiny thing hooked up to tubes and costing my parents a small fortune. She didn't have her perfect twin boys home with her to show off to her friends and rub in the face of her family and on top of that, she was a mess. Very depressed and so sick didn't even get out of bed most days."

"But Shishido-san it's not your..."

Shishido put his hand on Ohtori's mouth to quiet him down. He didn't know why Ohtori suddenly had this bad habit of interrupting.

"I know in my head it's not my fault. I do know that. After being born preemie, I used to get sick a lot as a kid. My Mom always blamed it on me needing attention. I would have a bad cold and she wouldn't take me to the doctor because she said we didn't have the money to waste on doctors. I would get sicker and sicker until I ended up in the hospital, and she would scream at me about how hard I was making my father work. She's not a bad person, really she isn't, she just wants everything to be perfect and I'm not perfect. My brother is. My father is. I never was."

Shishido shrugged. "The worst part is, I know now that everything she said is a lie. My Mom is really wealthy. My Dad doesn't even know and would probably go crazy if he found out. Everyone thinks my Mom was cut off and never got her inheritance, but it's not true. She did get it, she just hides it. I saw my Mom pay one of my hospital bills in cash once. It was thousands of dollars, more than my father made in a year,and she threatened if I ever told my father she would never forgive me. That it was my fault for being sick. But she really had the money the whole time and if she had brought me to the doctor weeks sooner, I probably wouldn't have had pneumonia so bad or been sick all those times. But that's how my Mom is. At least with me."

Shishido sighed and decided to tell him the rest of this part. He would just combine the last time he was in there with this one. It was easier that way for now. It was a half-truth and not a total lie, "The only good thing is when I was in the hospital the last time with pneumonia, a NICU nurse, they take care of the babies in the ICU ward came often to sit with me. She recognized my name because when I was born it turns out she was someone who used to come into the NICU, the baby ICU ward and hold me. She remembered me. She said she used to feel sorry for me because I lost my twin and I was all alone all the time. No one ever came to see me so I guess most of the nurses felt sorry for me. This nurse told me that when we were born, my twin and I, both of us were alive. She was there in the delivery room. We were preemies and she said they knew they had to run us up to the ICU baby ward. We were so tiny you could hold one of us in your hand. They put us together and took a picture of us for my parents to see before they took us away. She said she clearly remembers we were both alive and that we stopped crying when they put us together for the picture. She said we grabbed onto each other and that it's common for twins to hold each other like how they did before they were born."

Shishido shrugged. "She said that a minute after the picture was taken, I started to cry in almost a scream. My twin's heart stopped and they couldn't revive him. She's a really nice lady and she still sends me birthday cards to this day...Choutarou?"

Shishido saw in the dim light of the room that Ohtori was silently crying. "Why are you crying? I'm fine! Why do you think I've never told anyone? I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me!"

He made a noise of disgust. Shishido felt completely annoyed and then concerned when Ohtori kept crying those big slow tears without saying a word.

Shishido worried that it was too much and Ohtori had been thinking of his dead friend from Shishido's story. He cursed himself and moved to take Ohtori in his arms and hold him close. "Hey, look, it's okay. I'm fine. Really. See? I don't feel like part of me is missing or any other crap that people say happen. I never even think about it." No, of course not. Losing a part of himself came years later. Shishido gave a little shudder remembering and pulled Ohtori closer. "Hey, say something, you're worrying me."

Ohtori finally held him back and returned from wherever he had mentally gone. He said in a voice thick with tears, "Not your fault." and kissed Shishido. "It's not your fault Shishido-san. You wouldn't do something like that. You wouldn't hurt or kill your brother. You wouldn't..."

Shishido smiled ruefully. He knew in his head it wasn't his fault, at least this wasn't, but his heart and soul remained convinced the opposite were true. He tried to joke his way out of this, "Of course I would. Haven't you heard? I'm a heartless bastard who..."

"No. No! Stop it Shishido-san. Stop it." Ohtori surprised him further when he took his face in his hands, "I know you. You're a good person. A beautiful person inside and out. No one else here would have helped me. No one else did but you, Shishido-san. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. I see you." Ohtori paused as if to calm himself down, "How many months were you in the hospital as a baby?"

"I don't know. I'm not sure, I guess around six. Why?" Shishido was confused.

"How many times did you go to the hospital as a kid? How sick were you?"

Shishido didn't see the point of this. "I don't know. Ten? Twenty? All the time. I had ear tubes put in three times because I had so many ear infections, I had my tonsils out, I was in four or five times for pneumonia, once for the measles, and we went a lot because I had allergies and bad asthma." Shishido thought of something, maybe Ohtori would worry that Shishido would have some kind of sickness like Ohtori's best friend and said, "I never get sick now. Why?"

"Would you say you've had an easy life, Shishido-san?"

Shishido shrugged. Ohtori didn't know the half of it but Shishido still couldn't figure out what this had to do with anything. "No. Why?"

"Because I know you. Shishido-san the only reason you wouldn't have given your life to your brother was if you knew how hard it was going to be. It's not your fault. You took the hard way, and gave him have the easy one. That's how you are, Shishido-san." He hugged Shishido--hard and whispered, "I'm hugging you because your twin can't, Shishido-san."

Ohtori shocked Shishido. Completely shocked him.

Shishido felt his throat getting tight and had to shake it off. He had never thought about things in this way before and he wasn't about to start now. He had always internalized and accepted what his mother had told him. Shishido knew she was wrong about him and he knew she had lied several times over, but he had never thought of his own defense nor considered how he was as a person. It was still too painful to think about, especially when he considered how different Ohtori's judgment of him would be if he knew the rest.

If he ever knew the rest.

Shishido didn't want to think about any of this anymore so he pulled back from the hug and kissed Ohtori who responded by almost melting into his arms and his kiss. The moment their tongues touched, Ohtori made another one of those small noises that Shishido finally realized was Ohtori's way of holding back a moan when he really liked something.

Shishido pushed the thoughts of what Ohtori said farther and farther away. He wondered how Ohtori was when he wasn't holding back and then thought of how they would both be if they both were no longer holding anything back. A really hot image of the two of them together completely free, specifically Ohtori moving with lust and abandon inside him, pleasing him, feeling good, them coming together, flashed through Shishido's mind and he moaned in a growl at the thoughts as well as the feelings that came along with them.

Ohtori smiled at Shishido's noise. Shishido kissed him and ran his fingers through Ohtori's gray hair that was getting longer and curling slightly. Ohtori made another small noise and Shishido remembered he used to have long hair. He must like how it feels too and Shishido decided to remember that.

He smiled at Ohtori, "I want you." Shishido kissed him. He knew that wasn't all he was feeling but it was safer to say that than any of the other emotions that were welling up inside him.

When the kiss broke Ohtori said surprising him, "I want you too, Shishido-san."

Shishido wondered if Ohtori meant it just as he had or if he only meant it sexually. Then he wondered what Ohtori felt or knew about sex. What exactly he had done with that other person. If he was free and uninhibited with him and then how far they had gone. Shishido was jealous of a ghost again and he realized that it was because he felt so strongly for Ohtori.

Ohtori startled Shishido out of his thoughts by asking with a smile, "Do you want to know my thing that no one else knows?"

Shishido felt his heart beat a little faster as he thought Ohtori might tell him. Ohtori might say the truth for the first time about his dead best friend. Shishido both wanted him to and he didn't. In a way, it still felt too soon to feel this much and go this far, but in another way Shishido wanted Ohtori to trust him. He decided to just deal with any emotions Ohtori saying it stirred up and to be there for him. "Yes."

Ohtori to his surprise smiled more, "Okay but you can't laugh, and you'll be the only one who knows this. It's really silly."

"I won't laugh." Shishido said and was confused. He guessed Ohtori was going to tell him something different and found he was acutely disappointed.

"You might." Ohtori smiled wider. "It's really stupid but it's something I've always done. I animalize people." Shishido must have looked at him confused. "When I meet someone, I think about what animal they are. Usually I'm right and it says a lot about them. It's really stupid, right?"

Despite his disappointment and Ohtori acting as if this didn't matter, Shishido could see it clearly did. So Shishido was curious, "Okay, give me an example."

"Pick someone from the tennis club, anyone. I've done them all." Ohtori was blushing Shishido could just see it in the dim light.

"Kabaji." Shishido said at random.

"He's an ox. That was an easy one." Ohtori laughed as if at himself.

That actually was a good description of Kabaji. "Taki." Shishido asked and wondering how Ohtori would vilify him.

"He's a fox. Do you want to know everyone else?" Ohtori offered.

"Yeah," Shishido said and wondered what he was, but he waited until Ohtori mentioned it. He listened as Ohtori rattled off everyone. He was amused at thinking of Gakuto as a flying and chattering squirrel. Atobe as a lion overseeing his pride was very on target. Some animals Shishido didn't know. Ohtori had to explain what an opossum was but as soon as he did, it fit Jiroh perfectly. Ohtori finished his list and missed a few people. "What about Oshitari?"

Ohtori smiled, "I'm not sure about him. He might have a split personality because every time in school when I see him he's a snow macaque, and then when I watch him play or do anything he is himself at, he's completely different. He's fierce and single-minded. Then he's a snow leopard."

"Both snow things?" Shishido asked intrigued. Ohtori obviously had given this quite a bit of thought.

"Able to survive and thrive under harsh climates. He's been through some stuff." Ohtori said it as if he knew. Truth was even Shishido didn't know much about the tensai. He was talkative until the subject of himself and his past came up and then he did everything he could to deflect all attention from himself.Shishido considered the tensai to be about as hard to get to know as he himself probably was.

Shishido remembered something, "And Hiyoshi is a coyote?" Ohtori nodded and looked pleased that Shishido remembered. "What about you?" Shishido asked.

Ohtori sighed, "I can never figure out what I am. Maybe I just can't see myself."

Shishido finally couldn't help asking, "What about me?" Ohtori had left him out also.

"I'm not sure about you either. It's strange too because I usually know right away when I meet someone, but with me,Oshitari-san, and you, it's hard to tell. You seem cat-like. A black panther I first thought of or a tiger but I don't think you're really a cat so I'm not sure." Ohtori looked at him seriously and Shishido had to keep from smiling. "You're definitely not a dog, but kind of like one."

Now he smiled, "Great, thanks a lot."

Ohtori laughed, "No, it's a good thing. Hey, some of my best friends are dogs. Maybe I see your twin and that's why I can't see you clearly?" Ohtori was still smiling from a second before and then looked stricken. "Oh god. I...I'm so sorry I shouldn't have ever said that. I..."

Shishido shrugged, "Maybe. Don't worry about it. I told you it doesn't bother me." Ohtori was lying mostly on his back and Shishido usually slept on his stomach. He felt a chill after Ohtori's words despite his own reassurances, and curled himself more around Ohtori's warmth. He realized as he moved he had been lying on Ohtori's arm for a while.

"Is your arm asleep?" Shishido asked. Ohtori shook his head no but moved his arm so it was under Shishido's neck and not pressed under anything.

Shishido lay on his belly half on Ohtori so their chests were together, well, at least their hearts were. He could feel Ohtori's heartbeat even through his shirt just under his own. Shishido moved his hips so his erection was by Ohtori's hip and not pressing into him though he could feel Ohtori's erection and pressing into his hip a little lower. Shishido wondered how damn tall Ohtori was, and he thought it would be annoying to kiss him when they were both standing because he was so tall. He and Atobe had been about the same size back then not that they kissed or anything. It annoyed Shishido that Atobe was taller now. Ohtori's shoulder was by his mouth and he had a sudden urge to bite it. He wasn't sure why, he just wanted to. He had done that with Atobe too.

Shishido just also realized he used lay down lower like this in Atobe's arms. Like a girl almost and it was sort of submissive this way. He also realized that Atobe always held him but Shishido never held Atobe back. Atobe would try to make him and Shishido would always turn away from him and end up like this. He didn't feel uncomfortable lying with Ohtori like this, but it did not feel completely right either.

He moved up a little more so his head lay on the pillow and they faced each other sideways. It was more equal and felt better. Like they were in each other's arms and no one person was in control, although he knew that Ohtori would do whatever and lay however way Shishido wanted him to. He deferred to Shishido in such a way that there was no fighting for power or dominance or control. It felt easy, natural, and familiar although they hadn't been like this before. Overall, Ohtori was comfortable to lay with and they fit together well. Even their legs and feet felt good tucked and twined together.

Ohtori must have noticed also. "Your bed is really cozy, Shishido-san." Ohtori said and sounded drowsy.

"It is." Shishido agreed and left out the part about where the bed came from. It didn't matter.

He brought his comforter up to Ohtori's right naked shoulder and covered it. "You should keep it warm if it's sore. Do you want your shirt?"

Ohtori shook his head no and smiled. Shishido noticed his eyes were closed and moved his hand to rest on Ohtori's hurt shoulder to keep it warmer. Ohtori after a moment moved one hand to Shishido's arm and after Shishido didn't protest he moved his other hand to rest lightly and warmly on Shishido's back. It felt good so Shishido moved to be closer to him more and flipped his hair back out of the way.

"Are you comfortable?" Shishido asked with his eyes closed.

"Yes...very...except for that." Ohtori said.

Shishido opened one eye to see what 'that' was and noticed a moonbeam of light cut right through the corner of the window and fell right on Ohtori's eye. Shishido smiled. "That always gets me too. Here..."

Shishido threw some of his hair across his and Ohtori's faces blocking out the offending beam. They were now tented by Shishido's hair and through his strands, he could just make out Ohtori's smile.

Shishido suddenly felt like an idiot, "Sorry, that's probably really stupid. It's what I do when that light hits me..."

Shishido was about to suggest that he find something else to block it but before he could Ohtori said, "No Shishido-san. I like it. I used to have long hair and it reminds me of when I did." Ohtori smiled more, "Though my hair was never as nice as yours is. And it was blond so it didn't work good on light. And curly."

Shishido remembered the picture of him having white hair. "Blond?"

"Yeah," Ohtori laughed a little remembering, "I used to wear it in a braid when I played tennis. The sun would bleach it so it looked almost white."

"What happened?" Shishido asked and touched his hair now, curious.

"I don't know." Ohtori said and yawned. "I cut it all off and it grew back like this." Ohtori opened his eyes to look at Shishido who didn't realize until then he was watching Ohtori through the dim light cutting through his hair. "Does it look bad, Shishido-san?"

Shishido didn't want him to change or feel self-conscious. He shrugged and shook his head no. "No. I like it. It's not like anyone else's. It's like you, special."

Shishido yawned and shrugged at the same time. He closed his eyes and wondered if Ohtori was watching for him to close them because the moment he did, Ohtori kissed him. "Good night Shishido-san."

Shishido decided to surprise him. With his eyes still closed he just sensed where Ohtori was and kissed him back. He licked his tongue into Ohtori's mouth in a brief, hard, hot kiss. "Good night, Choutarou." Shishido thought of something, "Hey, when we're like this, once in a while, if you want, it's okay if you say my given name. I won't mind."

Ohtori took a little breath sharply in, "No Shishido-san. I...I can't do that."

Shishido opened one eye wondering why the hell he couldn't when he just told him he could. Shishido had several times during the past few nights tried to think of a good, short nickname for Ohtori. Something nice and a little sexy. He had liked when Atobe and girls had called him by his given name in very heated moments. He tried to find something similar to call Ohtori. Choutarou was too damn long and adding -kun to the end of it made it even longer. Ohtori-kun didn't sound right or flow very well. Chou-kun sounded to him silly and like something he would say to a little kid.

Shishido sighed. It wasn't like Shishido was big into tradition or anything. His family name wasn't a big deal and had caused him more grief than good. His family name wasn't who he was. Not like his given name that rarely anyone used with him.

Ohtori said very seriously, "There are only two times when I could ever say your name, Shishido-san."

"Oh yeah? What two times? I'm only a couple of months older than you, and even if I am your senpai it would just be when we're here, like this. I told you I wouldn't mind." Shishido tried to say it casually, but he was annoyed.

He and his brothers had always called each other by their first names and their Western born father had encouraged this. They had short given names and it made him feel a closeness, a familiarity that Shishido always really liked. Shishido had often wondered if Atobe knew it was something he and his brother did. His brother encouraged it even among his friends when he went to Hyoutei. Even now his brother's two closest Hyoutei friends still called him by his given name and liked him to call them by theirs even though they were his senpais. So Shishido always wondered if the Vice-Captain started calling him by his given name so soon after they met because of that or if it was something planned to make Shishido feel closer sooner. Either closer to Atobe or maybe less than Atobe, but Shishido figured he would never know. It didn't matter anyway. What did matter to him was he wanted to feel that closeness with Ohtori; he just didn't have the words to express this very strong want to him.

Ohtori kissed him softly and parted his lips with his tongue. He touched their tongues together and explored Shishido's mouth softly as if he wasn't tired and turned on at all. Shishido felt his entire body responding and only realized then that he had tensed himself up with frustration in his inability to express himself. He hated sometimes that he wasn't good with words, but he realized that Ohtori knew this about him. Ohtori had been watching him since he first saw him. Shishido wondered how many other things about him Ohtori Choutarou knew and why if he knew that much he liked him at all as he so obviously seemed to.

Shishido smiled at Ohtori relaxing him and kissed him back for a moment. He moved closer to Ohtori and forced himself to relax. He felt the tension evaporate from his body as Ohtori's hands moved over his skin, through his hair,and as Ohtori's tongue teased his. As soon as he relaxed, Ohtori gently backed the deep kiss off and gave Shishido a series of light, soft, loving kisses as if to soothe him further.

"Good night Shishido-senpai." Ohtori said with a smile.

Shishido smiled back and made a small laugh. What could he do? That really would be awkward for Ohtori to say especially at certain heated moments, but hell, it was his choice. At least Ohtori didn't call anyone else senpai anymore. It wasn't as nice as hearing him say his given name but Shishido had long ago learned to take what he could get. Even small pieces of happiness because they had never lasted.

Shishido was tired but he knew he wasn't going to sleep. Still, he wanted to stay where he was all warm and cozy. He kept his eyes closed so Ohtori wouldn't feel he was being watched. Shishido matched his breathing to Ohtori's and wondered if the kid snored. That would be annoying. Damn. He should have asked him before he started to fall asleep, because it was too late now.

He wondered if Ohtori was still hard. Shishido was and that painful ache had started a while ago. He knew from experience, it only got worse from this point too and he wondered if Ohtori was in any pain. If Ohtori was tempted to run to the bathroom as much as he was. Then he thought he really had to stop thinking about that and anything about sex because it was only going to make the pain worse.

The problem was, when Shishido stopped thinking about sex, then he kept thinking about other things Ohtori had said. That he wanted Shishido and that he might have meant another feeling other than desire when he said that. Then the thing about his twin because Shishido had to agree, if there was to be any hardship, Shishido would have taken it without a second thought. He had always been that way, only no one ever saw it before. It made him feel incredibly sad that no one else had ever seen it, not anyone he had dated or anyone who had confessed to him before and it made him feel really happy that this person who he was holding did see it. Did see him.

Shishido considered why Ohtori hadn't told him about his best friend being dead. He didn't know if it was because Ohtori hadn't faced it or if he still felt he couldn't trust Shishido. Then he thought about the animal thing. He wondered why Ohtori out of everything he could have said chose that. It was interesting and certainly unique. He hoped Ohtori never told anyone else because at Hyoutei they would just think he was weird in an unflattering Oshitari kind of way. They would laugh at him.

Shishido peeked out through one eye, squinting in case Ohtori noticed or was watching him. He watched Shishido so often that it was strange for Shishido to look at him without him already looking at Shishido. He was turned to Shishido but his eyes were closed, his breathing deep and even, he seemed completely relaxed except for a small smile he had. He looked like a little kid fast asleep after a very good day.

Shishido was tempted to touch him, kiss him, wake him and maybe make him laugh a little more. He liked it when he made Ohtori laugh and wondered if that smile he had now was all from him. From them tonight. He wondered what Ohtori thought about him. Really thought about him, and why in the hell he liked him. Was it just that he looked like his dead best friend? Shishido for the first time didn't think so, not if Ohtori was able to see him so clearly when no one else had.

If Ohtori really knew him then he probably knew Shishido was lying about his twin. Shishido did at times think about him and what might have been. He often thought of his twin as the good one and himself as the bad one. He wondered if his twin was alive and here, which one of them Ohtori would like, and then if his brother were here which one. Shishido felt his heart sinking as he concluded it probably wouldn't be him. Anyone but him.

Then he dismissed the thoughts as stupid and wondered what the hell was wrong with him. Maybe he just liked feeling unhappy because here he had a good time and was happy and he went out of his way to make himself feel bad. He was tired of feeling bad about himself and tired of being unhappy.

Ohtori moved in his sleep to hold him a little closer. Almost like he knew what Shishido was thinking and even asleep wanted to make him feel good. He closed his eyes in case Ohtori opened his when he stirred. Shishido relaxed so Ohtori would also, and matched his breathing to Ohtori's.

He wasn't even aware he fell asleep.

And when he woke up, Ohtori was gone.

Shishido looked over at his clock. It was around thirty minutes before he was supposed to wake up.

He felt groggy with sleep, but didn't feel that peaceful satisfaction that usually made him feel good and in a way victorious after he finally slept. Too many questions were spinning through his brain. The first one Shishido said out loud to no one, because damn it, no one else was there, "What the hell?"

Shishido briefly wondered if last night even happened. After he slept, really slept, Ohtori being there and them kissing had a dream-like quality to it. Shishido felt confused as to why Ohtori wasn't still there if it had happened. So maybe it hadn't.

Hell, Shishido had never slept when next to someone before. Usually, with girls, he lay next to the person bored to death and waited for morning. With Atobe, he kissed him and then got up to go do something because he would get bored otherwise. Atobe was a sound sleeper and had a ton of books and games. Shishido had enjoyed that part of staying over his place or in one of his family's homes. Hell, he had an entire arcade with the latest games all free, plus every gaming console, plus things that weren't even out on the market yet. Shishido had always gone off to play, and then slipped back into Atobe's room and bed around when he was supposed to wake up. If Atobe cared or noticed Shishido was gone, he never said anything about it.

But Shishido had never slept before. Not with someone else. Maybe, at most, a few minutes here or there during a long dark night, but this was different. He had slept straight through and had slept well. It was disconcerting. Add to that fact that he can't remember and never noticed when Ohtori got up or left, and that Ohtori didn't say anything or kiss him goodbye or anything, and it was annoying. Damn annoying.

Shishido tried to play devil's advocate with himself. Maybe Ohtori had worried about waking him, and didn't want to make Shishido angry, but hadn't Shishido gone out of his way to make Ohtori feel comfortable? Even if Ohtori waking him would have annoyed him, he wouldn't have said or done anything. Yeah sure, he didn't want Ohtori now all over him like some girls were when in the past Shishido had kissed them. Most girls after you kiss them once suddenly assumed you were their boyfriend. It was enough to make Shishido hesitate even at parties to fool around, because even just having a little fun kissing the next day at school would too often mean there was some girl clinging to him like sticky rice. Then he would have to tell her nicely to calm the hell down and back off, and she would run off crying to tell all her friends how he broke her heart. Shishido of course would be called a heartless bastard. Again.

But even if he was a heartless bastard, he wouldn't have left a girl's room after kissing, and touching her like that without saying goodbye. Even if she was sleeping, he would have kissed her, or left a note, or something. Even if he didn't like her much, he would have still left a note.

Shishido then looked for a note.

He didn't find one.

Damn it.

He was acting and thinking like a damn girl.

He found a note. The water bottle note from last night and there was nothing else written on it. It was sitting in the same place by the water bottle. Okay, last night had happened. So what the hell?

Had Shishido done something wrong? Did he snore? Talk in his sleep? Fondle Ohtori while he was trying to sleep? He had no idea. None. He had never slept next to someone before so he just had no idea. Maybe Ohtori wasn't as comfortable or into this as he seemed to be. Maybe he was thinking about his dead friend. Maybe they had moved too fast and Ohtori panicked. Maybe he didn't like Shishido after all. Shishido had no idea and it was damn annoying. He felt aggravated and stretched in his bed, testing for kinks in his spine or sore spots. He found none which was even more annoying. He had slept really well.

He sat up and noticed that Ohtori's "side" was cold. He had been gone long enough that not even the heat from his body remained to chase this morning's chill off Shishido. This just didn't feel right. It just didn't feel like Ohtori.

While Ohtori had made first moves, they were always small ones. Coming into Shishido's room, asking to sleep with him, hell him touching Shishido was really bold. Ohtori was not innocent like he seemed to be, but he was shy. Shishido remembered how embarrassed Ohtori had been telling him about what Taki did and the hickey, but then Ohtori had all but ordered Shishido to not say Atobe's name and then refused, politely yes, but refused to say Shishido's given name even when Shishido gave him permission to. Shishido had let all that go to make Ohtori feel comfortable. So what the hell?

Shishido figured that this morning would be much like after he slept next to or made out with a girl for the first time. He thought he would have had to reassure Ohtori that Shishido still liked, or as they had said in much safer terms to each other, that Shishido still wanted Ohtori. He figured he would have to remind Ohtori that Shishido would be no different to him than he normally was, and that things being the same as always didn't mean anything had or hadn't changed. Shishido still felt the same want for Ohtori as he had the night before and even the day before that, but they had to act the same.

In fact, Shishido in the back of his mind had planned on seeing less of Ohtori today, just in case being around him turned Shishido on a lot like he figured it would. He thought that would be the smart, and appropriate thing to do. That way, Shishido could act normal and casual and no one, not even Atobe would know that they kissed or anything had happened. Especially not Atobe. Or Taki. It was taking things slow.

That way he wouldn't find himself watching Ohtori's hands, his body, or his mouth all day and he wouldn't be thinking of when he could next kiss him, touch him, and be with him. But damn it, with Ohtori gone, without them having that conversation, it just felt all...wrong.

True, Shishido was still surprised by how Ohtori was so bold last night. And also Shishido had felt so comfortable and turned on that he didn't think much about the consequences of the next day. However, he assumed that in the morning they would have talked like they did last night and everything would be okay. It didn't feel okay because Shishido had no idea what Ohtori was thinking and feeling. Or why he wasn't there.

Shishido realized he really hadn't taken things slow. He had let his feelings and their actions get carried away and now he didn't know what to do or what it meant.

Shishido realized to his further annoyance it was himself who needed to be reassured after last night.

He felt angry.

He needed to be reassured like a damn girl. Shishido cursed and stood up. He threw his clothes into his hamper and put his robe on to go shower. Taki and Ohtori's door was closed and there was no noise coming from the bathroom, so Ohtori hadn't gotten up early and gone to shower first. Shishido, cursing under his breath at his own stupidity, still checked to see if coffee was being made. It wasn't. He then opened up the refrigerator and checked his water bottles, even thinking there might be another note there. He had to refrain from slamming the refrigerator door shut when of course, there wasn't.

He mentally beat himself up as he walked into the bathroom to go shower. He was too nice, too soft, and too, well hell, he couldn't think of the word to describe it. It was not insecure, that didn't fit, but it was about him needing reassurances like a girl and how terrible he felt without getting any. Then he thought of the word, probably the right word, and if he had still lived alone he probably would have punched a hole in the damn wall. The word was needy.

He was too...needy. Too damn needy.

Damn if that wasn't a huge enough turn off for anyone, even for Ohtori to retreat into his room to get the hell away from Shishido. Ohtori must have figured it was better to deal with a roommate who was too damn grabby than one who was too damn needy.

He was disgusted with himself.

He needed to get his damn head together. Needy people are pathetic and needy people at Hyoutei get used fast. Hell, Shishido was tougher and stronger than this. He had been strong enough to never, ever be like this, act like this,or feel like this around Atobe. He had always protected himself very carefully, and not let anyone slip this far under his skin. Somehow the kid had walked in and gotten past all his defenses. And in return, the kid walked right out while he was sleeping, leaving him upset and shaken.

And angry at himself for allowing this to happen.

Shishido dropped his robe and stepped into the shower before it heated up. The spray was cold and bracing and he allowed it to slap his skin while he mentally beat himself up enough so he could function no matter what happened today. He ran shampoo through his hair, closed his eyes, and let the water run over him to rinse it out. Though he usually didn't waste by shampooing twice, today he did because he just damn well felt like it.

The second time he rinsed, he put his hands against the wall in front of him and hung his head under the pounding water. The water was warm and would so be hot so he turned it down. He was trying to not think of Ohtori or kissing or touching or anything having to do with him, but trying not to think about Ohtori and last night was making Shishido think about it more. With his eyes shut tight he pictured Ohtori suddenly walking in. About Ohtori being in the bathroom with him, getting into the shower with him, and just hugging Shishido from behind.

Shishido already knew how he would respond in his frustration and need and lust.

He would turn on Ohtori, press him up against the back wall of the shower, and kiss him hard before making him turn around. Shishido in his fantasy fueled by anger, hurt, and want tried to picture taking Ohtori hard from behind, but he couldn't. Even as he tried to, he knew those sweet tiny noises Ohtori made when he liked Shishido kissing and touching him would soothe Shishido's anger like nothing else could.

Ohtori would kiss Shishido back with that little smile of being amazed at doing this. His kiss would release the feelings of frustration Shishido was feeling. His warmth, his touch, his laughter, his heart had Shishido suddenly fantasizing about making love to Ohtori instead of the raw angry sex he thought he had wanted a moment before.

Shishido stroked himself as he thought of entering Ohtori gently, kissing him, pleasing him, making him feel incredible, hearing Ohtori cry out his name, feeling him move with Shishido, feeling him tight, hot, hungry, wanting him, loving him, thrusting into Choutarou until he was completely inside him, kissing Ohtori's tears, his lips, tasting his skin, and feeling his breath and his heartbeat as Shishido was buried inside him, making Choutarou his and his alone. Shishido with his eyes closed and lost to the fantasy wasn't even aware he had started touching himself so he was very surprised when he suddenly came very hard by his own hand. The only noise he made was his breath shuddering along with him.

He was surprised to find he was still alone.

Shishido stood there for a long moment, no longer letting the water run into his eyes, and tried to get his head together. The images of him and Ohtori continued to flash through his mind as his pulse and breathing slowly returned to normal. He rarely had masturbated in the shower before but hell, Shishido felt better after coming. More focused and more like his normal self.

He was able to think and not berate himself over every little thing that happened or didn't happen last night, or beat himself up for this morning's odd disappearance of Ohtori. What happened, happened. You can't change the past. Shishido ran conditioner through his hair and told himself whatever, he would deal with it like he dealt with everything; he would take things as they came and just cope.

He finished his shower and made sure he rinsed the last vestiges of soap and any of his come down the drain. He was just towel drying his hair when he heard a click at the door. His eyes flew to the door and the towel in his hands flew to the hickey on his chest in case Ohtori walked in for real. But must have just been the door closing, which he must have not shut all the way. The noise was probably just it clicking shut.

Unless someone had watched him. Shishido wondered and felt angry again. He really had to get out the hell out of there.

He wrapped his robe around him, brushed his teeth, and finished combing out his hair. He listened for any sounds, people talking, the television, or anything before opening the door. Shishido left the bathroom and saw Ohtori and Taki's door was still shut. There was no coffee in his mug or brewing, but it was still early. As he went into his room he heard their alarm going off and Taki loudly cursing. The alarm suddenly stopped.

Shishido couldn't shake the unsettled feeling he had. He hated when he didn't know what was going on. Especially when it involved him. He went in his room and shut the door. He picked up his phone and hit redial while at the same time he started to get dressed, "Want to play?" he asked when the phone was answered.

"Always," Atobe said and Shishido could hear his smirk. "Twenty?"

"Only if you move slow, pretty boy. I'll be there in five." Shishido grinned.

Atobe barked a small laugh, "Ryoh, who are you calling pretty boy? I'll show you whose slow..."

"You can try rich boy, but I'll still beat you," Shishido challenged and hung up. He knew it would make Atobe both annoyed and laugh at the same time. Though he would never admit it, Atobe would run to try to beat Shishido getting there. He had to win at everything. Atobe would probably not even shower first, and still end up looking like he had a full staff of people do his wardrobe and hair. There wouldn't be a wrinkle in his clothes or a lock of his hair out of place. Shishido considered as he threw his own long, still wet hair back into a ponytail, that because it was Atobe, there might actually be a team of people who primped and prepared him for his day. He could see makeup and wardrobe people waiting to prep Atobe as he made his daily appearances. The thought made Shishido quietly laugh as he grabbed his things and walked out of his room.

Taki and Ohtori's door was still closed and there were no sounds from the shower. They hadn't gotten up yet.

Shishido quietly shut his door behind him and didn't leave a note either.

He went off to play.

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Learning to Land